Taking a year “off”

[lovinmyboys]

My grandma would always say “you gotta go while you can” and I have always listened to the wise older moms who told me kids grow up so fast and you only have about 1000 weeks with them. So, we have done a lot of things and I can honestly say I have really enjoyed being a mom and my adult life in general. Although I obviously have let some balls drop, I feel like I have done a good job of living my life with intention. I have always made seasonal lists of things to do and I feel like I have made lots of memories with my kids and done what is important to me.

However, I am tired. I would love to take a few months and just do the minimum and have time to rest, read, and think. We have to make some decisions in 2024, but 2023 should hopefully be pretty routine. I want to be in a good mental place for 2024. I want to just do nothing, but then I hear my grandmas voice saying you never know what is around the corner and I start feeling like I need to live to the fullest. And for my kids I think you only get to be x age once, so we need to do all the things. 
 

Anyone else feel this way? Any success with taking time off? I already made my 23 for 2023 list, but now I kind of want to just do nothing. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Taking a year off what????? 

It doesn't make any sense to me. 

[lovinmyboys]

5 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Taking a year off what????? 

It doesn't make any sense to me. 

Improving myself, doing extra things, setting intentions, running the kids to a million extra curriculars, moving forward on goals, doing all the seasonal memory making things

Basically I was raised that life is very short so you have to make the most of it all the time. I want to live a year where time feels not so scarce if that makes sense. 

Edited December 28, 2022 by lovinmyboys

[sgo95]

16 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

Basically I was raised that life is very short so you have to make the most of it all the time. I want to live a year where time feels not so scarce if that makes sense. 

That sounds like a certain kind of pressure in your mind...that you have an image or ideal of what it means to make the "most" of your life and your children's lives. Maybe you just need to reevaluate what this really means to you--what you think you're accomplishing by doing the "most."

I'm pretty sure I'm not making the "most" of my life by your standards 😂 and I'm ok with that (no snarkiness meant at all).  So I vote yes to reevaluating and taking a break in whatever manner will refresh and rejuvenate you.

[Resilient]

Spend a year as a human being rather than a human doing?   Let the pendulum swing so you can find your balance.  Both bring and doing matter, but you can’t just flip a switch and make it happen. Ask me how I know.  I’ve been and done both and the pendulum, by necessity, has swung to Doing.  I’ll need to re-focus in a month or two to find my balance. 
 

I understand where you’re coming from.  It’s not all bad…but it can be too much of a good thing.  

[Rosie_0801]

Isn't that what the summer holidays are for?

 

I do nothing. It's no more fun than doing too much.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Doing the “minimum “ can be a form of making memories and building relationships. (Unless you just ignore everyone, I guess). You don’t have to be signed up for things. But depending on kids ages, I would take their wishes into consideration. 
 

Have you had a physical lately?  

[Anne]

Part of the answer depends on your kids’ ages and their needs/desires.    That said, there’s nothing wrong with scaling back on “improving yourself” - you’re probably just fine as you are!! 

Anne

[Melissa in Australia]

Life is short. 

Dh and I tried very hard to do the most we possibly could with our kids. But before you blink they have  all grown up and left home. 

There was no time for not doing anything. 

 

I would love a year off of cooking - but unfortunately humans need to eat

I woukd really love a year off cleaning the toilet, but I think it might get mighty smelly. 

[Pawz4me]

I think many people don't spend enough time doing nothing. There's tremendous value in giving the mind and body time to just be. And in the end there's certainly no grand reward for Doing All The Things, and definitely not if it's at the expense of your mental or physical health. The trick is finding the right balance (which was my word of the year for 2022). Not too much nor too little of anything. It sounds like your scale has been rather heavily weighted toward the too much side for awhile. There's no harm in devoting a little time to getting it level again.

[Eos]

Resting, reading, and thinking are still doing, but with a different flavor.  You're describing a new way of living, not time off from living.  Living life to the fullest includes savoring downtime, silence, fallow expectancy. 

It sounds like you need to find a new way forward entirely, not just planning a year of sloth then ramp right back up again.  Look around at the seasons, or listen to yourself breathe - active in, then relaxing out - activity bookended with rest is the law of nature. Winter always follows summer.  Modeling balance for your kids will increase rather than diminish their skills.

So what could this look like in your life? Planning for success at balance is just as important as planning for success in brisk activity.

Daily: bookend activity with "absolute nothing" time.  Do chores, make breakfast, school time if you're homeschooling or getting the kids off to school, then slowly make tea, sit on the couch.  Stare out the window.  Do nothing, or if the mood strikes, read or write a list. When you get up to do the next thing, leave yourself a mental note that you'll be back to this fallow place soon. Just like when your kids were toddlers and you knew that naptime would have to happen after a busy morning, plan for downtime every day.  If the kids have an activity every day, tell them you're taking 20 minutes of downtime when you get back in the door.

Weekly: Assign fallow rest as much importance as your kids' activities or cooking meals throughout the week. For instance:

Reading: Plan a weekly visit to the library for just you and don't plan other things for that time.  Bring home one book to finish each week, then take one of your downtime sessions each day to read it.  Thinking: take a once-a-week online class or journal or correspond or volunteer at something that is not child-related. Do one of these things, not all!  Resting: Find a way to do one  less weekly project.  If your kids need moving around, find a carpool for them one day.  Pick up a prepared meal for that day.  Don't launch into a cleaning project with the extra time - walk outside and look and listen.  Don't bring your phone or earbuds. 

Yearly: the big projects and yearly holidays that make the memories are hard to let go! Prioritize, down size, reconsider, let go of some, let others and your children take up the leadership for some. See ahead and start earlier. Take another tip from the seasons and do more in the warmth, less in the winter. 

Although I'm a big proponent of rest and balance, I did have a year that I had to do nothing in a different way, and I've wondered if something was physically wrong like my thyroid or iron.  Certainly check with your doctor if you feel physically unable to do things, and also consider depression if you are sad or mentally exhausted.  But if you're well and not depressed, prioritizing balance is healthy, smart, and fun even if it's new to you.  

 

 

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by Eos

[TexasProud]

6 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Taking a year off what????? 

It doesn't make any sense to me. 

There comes a point where the endless responsibilities just become too much.  Couple of examples: Taking care of my dad who lived near us and couldn't drive and raising my kids 2, 7 and 9 as well as caring for a burned-out husband. I did that for 5 years. I was homeschooling and making sure each kid had the perfect education. 

Or  I had a year taking care of mom as she was dying from cancer. I was driving back and forth. I had to make sure her financial, medical, etc. needs were completely taken care of. I literally felt like the entire world was on my shoulders.

When you feel so completely responsible for everyone and everything, it is wearying.  

OP, it may feel like a year and I don't remember what your kids ages are and a year won't be possible anyway. But I did take a month. My husband was out of the country. I had no kids left at home. And I did practically nothing by my standards. I slept. I found an online spiritual group to be very helpful and through that a spiritual director. I was able to sing in the choir again for the first time since Covid.  AND I HAD NO ONE TO BE RESPNSIBLE FOR.  

I don't know if you can even take a week away.  Probably not. And many times when the kids were still at home, it was more work than it was worth trying to get away. I never found the balance until they left the nest.

But OP.  I hear you. I hear you.  It is hard to perform 24/7 and try to give all the kids the mom they need and your husband the wife he needs.  Just really hard. 

[Guest]

Agreeing with the others that you seem to have gotten a bit out of balance because of this fear that life is too short and you “have” to accomplish all the things before it’s too late. 
 

In my life, there have been times “off” due to death/tragedy and due to diagnoses that needed my full attention. So I haven’t ever felt like I had to create “time off”; it happened due to circumstances. (Covid also was a major “time off”!) 

 

However, I have, throughout my motherhood, kept close protection on my need for downtime. I don’t feel guilty the years we didn’t take a trip to the beach, didn’t take them skiing, or that I did not let my kids do simultaneous sports (ever). They had to choose. Wrestling or soccer but not both; gymnastics or soccer but not both, etc. 
 

I say, if you’re feeling the need so keenly, dial back the next three months. See if it rejuvenates you. And do have a physical, in case there is an organic concern. 

[regentrude]

7 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

Improving myself, doing extra things, setting intentions, running the kids to a million extra curriculars, moving forward on goals, doing all the seasonal memory making things

Basically I was raised that life is very short so you have to make the most of it all the time. I want to live a year where time feels not so scarce if that makes sense. 

All things have a season. The time for "self-improvement" isn't when you're mothering young children (you'll grow just because of the mothering work, not because you embark on intentional exercises). Not all goals are suitable for this season. 

A million extra activities doesn't need to happen. Pare down so it's sustainable in the long term.

Yes, life is short, but you can't do all the things all at the same time. It's not only okay, but necessary,  to cut busyness to a manageable level. One that is sustainable in the long term.

Edited December 28, 2022 by regentrude

[marbel]

9 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

Improving myself, doing extra things, setting intentions, running the kids to a million extra curriculars, moving forward on goals, doing all the seasonal memory making things

Based on your list: 

Improving yourself could be spending some time in reflecting on what that means. Maybe "improving yourself" does mean slowing down for a season?  

Doing extra things - what do you mean by that? Adding unnecessary tasks/activities to your life?

Setting intentions; I find this one confusing. Setting intentions isn't really doing anything. But you could set an intention to slow down and consider all the things you feel you have to do, and are they worth it. 

Kids/ECs - what do they want to do? Are you setting them up for a life of feeling like they have to do all the things by having them in multiple activities all the time? Would they be just as happy/happier if they were doing fewer things?  IOW: Do you want your kids to grow up feeling like they have to do all the things, and exhausting themselves? 

Moving forward on goals - that's always good, assuming the goals are worthwhile.

Seasonal memory-making things - what does your family enjoy? Every year around this time there are threads about Christmas traditions and how freeing it has been for some people/their families to stop doing certain things for the sake of tradition/doing it all.  People also often talk about the most ordinary things being the best memories. 

I'm not asking the questions for you to answer here -unless you want to and you think it will be helpful to give you ideas - but things to ask yourself.

 

[Starr]

Doing nothing takes a lot planning and sharing your current commitments. Does this include meals, transportation, school work, house work, entertainment, extra curricula for kids. What do these things look like if you aren't involved. Are you willing to let others be in control and let things go where ever they go? It's hard to know what you are looking for from your post. Or do you mean you don't want to run around as much and want to cut back some activities?

9 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Isn't that what the summer holidays are for?

 

I do nothing. It's no more fun than doing too much.

Rosie is on again.

[SKL]

I think it would be more healthy and sustainable to find a balance where you have some time every day, and maybe a day or half a day every week, to do nothing.

I think that more "doing nothing" than that would stress most of us out, even more than doing too much.  I don't know that moms can long escape the nagging thoughts of "I am wasting the opportunity to do xyz for my kids/family/community/health."

But I do think it's sustainable to work into the balance an increasing amount of time where you leave things up to your kids ... entertaining themselves, increasing household duties, getting around without their personal chauffeur, etc.

[Soror]

I've went through periods of that. I started feeling very resentful. I cut way way back. I still do more than I want but it's manageable most of the time. I stopped running all the kid's activities that I did. I have time for some of my own interests. 

I vote delete the to do list. Look mercilessly at what you do and cut out what you can. Have a pow wow with the family. 

Also, one person's too busy is another's just right. Don't feel guilty about finding a balance that works for you. These days there is so much guilt on mom's do so much. It never ends. I think the pendulum has swung way too far. People need down time. All people. 

[Brittany1116]

You may enjoy Kim John Payne's Simplicity Parenting. 

[Dianthus]

I have thought and talked for several years about finding balance, but have not found it. I tend to overdo and overcommit.

My dh didn't do any extracurriculars as a kid so at times he finds our schedule frustrating even while he likes what our kids are learning and doing. 

Next year we are dropping a team sport that is a huge time sink. We will still do a lot of things but hope for more family things, like biking or swimming or board game night instead of sitting at someone's team practice.