feedback wanted . .

[easypeasy]

14 hours ago, bolt. said:

If someone as a guest were to be "helpful" like that, I'd be kind of thankful, but my primary feeling would be shame. I prefer if people politely pretend that my house is not noticeably messy. If they take action to help, I know that I'm not okay. I hate that feeling.

ditto this - I also would prefer that people politely pretend if they notice anything amiss. 😄

11 hours ago, catz said:

Honestly, this situation sounds like a tinder box.  I would be hiding in my room for a few hours every day in this situation.  They went from no contact with this son for whatever reason to now their house is their hospital and hotel and home over night.  It's a lot for an extended period of time and sounds extremely stressful.  Just the stress of having an injured kid like that is a lot without all the extra comings and goings. young kids out of their normal element soaking up everyone else's stress, etc etc etc.

I'd not take it personally at all.    

and agreeing with this. This is a huge shift for everyone involved, including yourself.

Having someone - especially another mother and ESPECIALLY one who has been in contact with her own son when she has not - in your home, even to be helpful, could very much feel like a major failure on your part to take care of you/yours.

You did a kind thing. Don't sweat it. It is a stressful time.

 

In general, though, I don't want anyone else ever touching my laundry. I welcomed my mom's help, though, when my kids were younger, and she would come over and wash the kids' laundry or their bedsheets. That was wonderful. But when she offered to wash my laundry, it was a big no on my part. 🙂

(My husband, kids, parents, and in-laws couldn't possibly care less about who does their laundry. ALL would do a happy dance that someone else did it and that they didn't have to! So I'm the odd man out in my family - but I'm also the one who winds up doing said husband and kids' laundry - especially if they have handwash/delicates involved! lol)

Edited December 16, 2022 by easypeasy

[Clemsondana]

Under the circumstances, I'd be neutral or appreciative.  It would be weird for a random overnight guest to start doing our laundry, but for somebody who stays for a long time, is a close relative, or is there to help in a crisis, it's just part of living together, even if the living situation is temporary.  

[Tenaj]

I would not be annoyed but I would be embarrassed that I had forgotten the load in the dryer and inconvenienced you and that embarrassment might look like annoyance in the moment 

My son and his family (7 extra people) lived with us for about 4 weeks this fall.  I tried so hard to keep it my laundry caught up without getting in my dil's way because 5 little kids equals a lot of laundry but my laundry is in the basement and I'm very used to just doing it at my own pace.  We had a few collisions while they were her and it was mostly because I kept forgetting to move my loads and it made me feel embarrassed and thoughtless.  Alexa alarms eventually solved the problem.

[sassenach]

One of the kindest things my mom has always done when visiting is to help with the laundry. No one folds as neatly as she does! And she loves doing it. 
 

The only difference with my MIL is she would “help” by deciding that I didn’t have anything organized correctly and she’d move all of our things. One year she even poured out and switched the salt and pepper shakers!

As for your poll, there’s a difference between family helping and just a random house guest. Family and my close girlfriends I would welcome the laundry help. Other house guests, I would not. 

Edited December 16, 2022 by sassenach

[skimomma]

For those that think it is strange to feel protective of their laundry, do you not have items that need special laundry care?  Even within my own house, I am really the only one that does the laundry because I am the only one that knows which items must be washed on hot or must be washed in cold or gentle or soaked or or or.....  Same with drying.  Some must be dried on hot (kitchen rags) while others must be line dried.  During my cloth diapering days, I remember feeling like I had to hide the dirty diaper bag when I was visiting my ILs because my well-meaning MIL would try to "help" by washing the diapers.  But her idea of washing was to dump in a hot wash with no pre-rinse and dry everything on high...even the covers that should not even go in the drier.  And she would put fabric softener in it all!  A big no no with cloth diapers.  This is just an example, but you get the point.  

I have had guests use my laundry facilities and I am 100% fine with that.  I just be sure to show them the ropes and have them sign the waiver form freeing me of liability if my washer eats one (or more) of their items.  I also make sure that there is nothing of mine in their way so there is no chance of them having to handle my laundry.  My washer and drier are also in a public space so when I do laundry, I do it and clean it all up as quickly as possible so this is not really even something I have to worry about.  I have also done my own laundry as a guest in others' houses many times.  And I always ask first, then ask if there is anything I should know about how to use their machines, and what I should do if they is anything in the washer or drier.  I also offer to do any laundry but have never been taken up on it.

All that said, I feel like the OP's situation is not really a typical situation in so many ways that none of this applies.

[lmrich]

I think it  would be odd for a regular guest to  do  my  laundry.  However, you are the  mom and grandmom and have come to help out. Helping out is doing  laundry.  

Sounds  like everyone involved is  going to have make major adjustments in  accepting help and also in helping out, too.  It is hard to accept to help and/or to admit that you need help with simple  tasks.  Hopefully, everyone will calm down and recognize that chores just need to  be done. 

You were kind and helpful.  Don't worry about it.

[Scarlett]

I prefer no one touch my laundry.  When I have overnight guests they are free to use my washer/dryer.  .  And  I rarely leave any laundry half done so there would be nothing to worry about there.  
 

In your situation you did the best you could in a stressful situation.  Heck I probably would not have wanted you to come stay to start with, even to help because that would super stress me out.  I mean nothing personal, but having people I don’t know spend the night with me is stressful.  
 

 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

It depends on what is in the laundry.

Towels? I would be grateful to have a chore done.

Personal items? Lingerie? No, thank you. I 'd be grabbing that basket and throwing it in the closet.

I am guilty, though, of helping my children when I visit them. I do dishes, pick up toys, dust, clean the kitchen. Whatever I can do to make their lives a bit easier and give them some assistance. Doing things is my love language and I hope they understand that.

I would not do the same for my sister, any of my inlaws, or friends. Just my children. I wonder what that says about me?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

(gardenmom) 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

Maybe it has to to with people in USA not line drying their clothes any more.???? Stepping away from ...... 

Here just about everyone line dries their clothes. Most of the year round. It is a satisfying thing to see a line full of drying clothes. Way way better for the environment, and sanitises the clothes at the same time. 

Maybe seeing lines full of clothes in everyone's backyards helps people realise that EVERYONE Wears Clothes and there is nothing sacred about them???? Maybe we are just more practical here? 

Who knows, but some of the posts of people viewing sheets and towels as some sort of sacred objects really has me completely shocked. Do people really think that? Or are they just outraged at the thought of other people having no problems with  receiving or giving a bit of help

 

Edited December 16, 2022 by Melissa in Australia

[Jean in Newcastle]

5 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Maybe it has to to with people in USA not line drying their clothes any more.???? Stepping away from ...... 

Here just about everyone line dries their clothes. Most of the year round. It is a satisfying thing to see a line full of drying clothes. Way way better for the environment, and sanitises the clothes at the same time. 

Maybe seeing lines full of clothes in everyone's backyards helps people realise that EVERYONE Wears Clothes and there is nothing sacred about them???? Maybe we are just more practical here? 

Who knows, but some of the posts of people viewing sheets and towels as some sort of sacred objects really has me completely shocked. Do people really think that? Or are they just outraged at the thought of other people having no problems with  receiving or giving a bit of help

 

Or maybe it has a lot to do with that more than half this country is in a much colder climate than yours. 

[catz]

I am like neutral on this.  Like my adult kids free range laundry all the time.  Which is fine.

That said, my washer and dryer are in an unfinished basement.  It is just somewhere I would hope the average guest wouldn't wander, it's a mess down there.  If we had a guest for over like 5 days, I might ask them if they wanted some laundry done and respond accordingly.  

In the OPs case, I don't think throwing in laundry in that situation was a stretch at all.  But I really don't think the host's irritation is about this laundry.  I suspect stuff is just building up and that's how some frustration popped out that day.   I hope she finds a way to get a break and some sleep.

We couldn't line dry for over half the year where we are.  

Edited December 16, 2022 by catz

[skimomma]

10 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Maybe it has to to with people in USA not line drying their clothes any more.???? Stepping away from ...... 

Here just about everyone line dries their clothes. Most of the year round. It is a satisfying thing to see a line full of drying clothes. Way way better for the environment, and sanitises the clothes at the same time. 

Maybe seeing lines full of clothes in everyone's backyards helps people realise that EVERYONE Wears Clothes and there is nothing sacred about them???? Maybe we are just more practical here? 

Who knows, but some of the posts of people viewing sheets and towels as some sort of sacred objects really has me completely shocked. Do people really think that? Or are they just outraged at the thought of other people having no problems with  receiving or giving a bit of help

 

I actually DO line dry most of the year.  We get 300+ inches of snow in the winter, so during that time, I line dry about half of our things indoors and use the dryer for the other half.  This is actually one of the issues.  Anyone that would do laundry for me would just chuck everything in the dryer no matter what season when I have a lot of items that should never go in the dryer.  I have no problem with people seeing or touching my sheets, towels, or even undies.  I mean my undies go on the line in my yard, in the middle of town, where literally everyone that drives or walks by can see them.  In fact, my laundry photobombed the google earth shot of my lot!

Edited December 16, 2022 by skimomma

[KSera]

9 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Who knows, but some of the posts of people viewing sheets and towels as some sort of sacred objects really has me completely shocked. Do people really think that? Or are they just outraged at the thought of other people having no problems with  receiving or giving a bit of help

I haven’t seen anyone say they found it outrageous that someone else would want or give help with this, just that they don’t like it for themselves. I’m still finding it rude, to be honest, the constant tone that other people are really strange and wrong for holding different feelings about things than you do. Particularly when you are referring to it as a cultural difference and calling it really strange. Different cultures have differences. It’s not like this is an important matter of human rights or some thing. Some people are private about their under clothes or whatever. That doesn’t make them weird any more than I don’t think you’re weird for not feeling that way. Different does not equal weird or wrong. 

[SKL]

I do think there's some shame psychology at work.

When I was little, it was common for housewives to hang out at each other's houses folding laundry etc. while chatting.

Nowadays there aren't very many housewives around.  Each woman is supposed to singlehandedly manage her house, her kids, and her job.  I'm not really sure how that transition happened exactly.  But there was a lot of "women can do it all" talk and media as I was growing up.

To me, having a houseguest find clothes in my dryer would feel like them finding a pile of dust and dirt that I'd swept and left in a corner.

Besides that, I am somehow attached to the way I fold/hang clothes.  One of my housemates will sometimes fold my clothes "her way" if she finds them in the dryer when she goes to do laundry.  It feels so wrong that I'll throw them back in the dryer to "de-wrinkle" and then re-fold them myself.  Yes, this feels as petty as it sounds, but putting my clothes away "folded wrong" feels worse.  😛  On top of that, her "assistance" points out the fact that I was inconsiderate in leaving my stuff in the dryer (even though she does the same thing at times).  I am supposed to be perfect, never inconsiderate.  It rankles.  (And my housemate is acting innocently.  That doesn't make me feel any better.)

[dsmith]

I wouldn't want anyone doing my personal laundry, or my husband's. I would probably be ok with a child's laundry from a grandparent. I also don't like when dinner guests want to do the dishes, because I don't expect a guest to do work while they are visiting, and they often do a crappy job in my experience. 

[gardenmom5]

52 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Maybe it has to to with people in USA not line drying their clothes any more.???? Stepping away from ...... 

Here just about everyone line dries their clothes. Most of the year round. It is a satisfying thing to see a line full of drying clothes. Way way better for the environment, and sanitises the clothes at the same time. 

Maybe seeing lines full of clothes in everyone's backyards helps people realise that EVERYONE Wears Clothes and there is nothing sacred about them???? Maybe we are just more practical here? 

Who knows, but some of the posts of people viewing sheets and towels as some sort of sacred objects really has me completely shocked. Do people really think that? Or are they just outraged at the thought of other people having no problems with  receiving or giving a bit of help

 

my grandmother, mom, and great-aunt all used sud savers (as gross as it sounds), and hung most of their wash either inside or outside depending upon the weather. - and weather here . . . "oh, it rains nine months of the year in Seattle"  .. . to quote the movie.  so, you better have somewhere to hang wash inside.

When I was 10 - our basement was finished and my mother was done with hanging laundry and only used the dryer.   She was also done using the sud saver.  (much to my grandmother's horror - the decadence!)

I remember people hanging wash outside - but those started disappearing in the 70s.  I guess more people got dryers, or dryers became cheaper to own and operate.

much of the country - you'd better have somewhere indoors to hang wash or else use a dryer.

[KSera]

1 minute ago, gardenmom5 said:

much of the country - you'd better have somewhere indoors to hang wash or else use a dryer.

We’ve also lived somewhere in the past with an HOA that didn’t allow line drying. Which I thought was horrible overreach, and particularly bad as a cloth diaperer (I just put a rack where it couldn’t be seen when I needed to put diapers out). I think that’s as bad as HOAs requiring people to keep their lawns green during hot summers, no matter how much water and chemicals it takes. Ugh. 

[Melissa in Australia]

57 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Or maybe it has a lot to do with that more than half this country is in a much colder climate than yours. 

I have said many times on this forum. My mil line dried her clothes in her basement in winter outside in summer year round in Canada right up until she went in a nursing home 4 years ago. . A country I believe that is a lot colder than yours. 

[SKL]

Re hanging out the laundry - it might also be because most of the people doing the laundry also work during the day.  I am trying to imagine my mom coming home at 6pm and then doing some laundry and hanging it out.  (Even assuming she wasn't busy making dinner happen, making sure the kids do homework / bathe, etc.)  Nope, not happening.  Especially when it gets dark before business hours are even over.

[Melissa in Australia]

Boy, now people don't want visitors to help clear the table. Unbelievable. 

Slam me all you like, so glad I don't have to be walking on eggshells around people like you guys must have to.

[Melissa in Australia]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

Re hanging out the laundry - it might also be because most of the people doing the laundry also work during the day.  I am trying to imagine my mom coming home at 6pm and then doing some laundry and hanging it out.  (Even assuming she wasn't busy making dinner happen, making sure the kids do homework / bathe, etc.)  Nope, not happening.  Especially when it gets dark before business hours are even over.

Believe me when I say that people in Australia go to work too

[SKL]

6 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I have said many times on this forum. My mil line dried her clothes in her basement in winter outside in summer year round in Canada right up until she went in a nursing home 4 years ago. . A country I believe that is a lot colder than yours. 

Well yeah I mean my ancestors all hung their laundry too.  But given the option between a houseful of wet laundry and a dryer, well, lots of people are gonna choose a dryer.  (And my folks were poor.  It's really uncommon for even low income people to have no access to a dryer here.)

Also, not everyone in North America has a basement.  Or a yard.

Edited December 16, 2022 by SKL

[SKL]

7 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I have said many times on this forum. My mil line dried her clothes in her basement in winter outside in summer year round in Canada right up until she went in a nursing home 4 years ago. . A country I believe that is a lot colder than yours. 

And just to be scientifically correct, the majority of people living in Canada are pretty close to the US northern border, which is also where a lot of US people live.  So the climate isn't all that different for most Canadians.

[gardenmom5]

34 minutes ago, SKL said:

And just to be scientifically correct, the majority of people living in Canada are pretty close to the US northern border, which is also where a lot of US people live.  So the climate isn't all that different for most Canadians.

And there is a point around the great lakes - the border dips well below the 49th parallel - so those canadians living there are SOUTH of many Americans.

eta; e.g. Ottawa, the capitol of Canada - is south of Portland OR.

Edited December 16, 2022 by gardenmom5

[skimomma]

This is getting off topic a bit, but I would like to know how people in the past really hung their clothing inside without causing moisture problems.  As I said before, I line dry mine outdoors when I can....even when I work (I just put them on the line in the morning and take them down when I get home), but the amount of snow we get makes it pretty impossible in winter.  I mean, even if I could use my snowshoes my clothesline is only a foot or two above the snow line in the dead of winter.  Not at all practical.  So, I used to hang everything indoors.  But we started having moisture problems (mold growing on the walls of the room I used for hanging) so I switched to drying about half and line drying the other half, which seems to have solved the problem.  But I have a small family and not much laundry.  If I had more, I cannot imagine.  I am guessing people just washed less in the days of yore.  But that also is not practical in modern times.

There is a house we pass when traveling that has a super high pole and a pulley system from the house.  Even in winter you will see clothing flapping up the line all the way to the pole that is probably about 40 feet tall set at least 100 feet from the house.  That is a pretty neat solution....but my neighbors think we are weird enough.....  And I also wonder about wind.  At least once a summer I am picking my laundry out of the neighbors yards when I get home from work and the wind has kicked dup during the day.  With it way up high like that, I would have to have some kind of vice-grip clothes pins! 

[gardenmom5]

42 minutes ago, skimomma said:

This is getting off topic a bit, but I would like to know how people in the past really hung their clothing inside without causing moisture problems.  As I said before, I line dry mine outdoors when I can....even when I work (I just put them on the line in the morning and take them down when I get home), but the amount of snow we get makes it pretty impossible in winter.  I mean, even if I could use my snowshoes my clothesline is only a foot or two above the snow line in the dead of winter.  Not at all practical.  So, I used to hang everything indoors.  But we started having moisture problems (mold growing on the walls of the room I used for hanging) so I switched to drying about half and line drying the other half, which seems to have solved the problem.  But I have a small family and not much laundry.  If I had more, I cannot imagine.  I am guessing people just washed less in the days of yore.  But that also is not practical in modern times.

There is a house we pass when traveling that has a super high pole and a pulley system from the house.  Even in winter you will see clothing flapping up the line all the way to the pole that is probably about 40 feet tall set at least 100 feet from the house.  That is a pretty neat solution....but my neighbors think we are weird enough.....  And I also wonder about wind.  At least once a summer I am picking my laundry out of the neighbors yards when I get home from work and the wind has kicked dup during the day.  With it way up high like that, I would have to have some kind of vice-grip clothes pins! 

heating a home with fire is very drying to the air - so the moisture from drying clothes would be beneficial.  Even using a drying and gas heat, my winter air tends to be drier than "healthy".

 

[Laura Corin]

17 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

heating a home with fire is very drying to the air - so the moisture from drying clothes would be beneficial.  Even using a drying and gas heat, my winter air tends to be drier than "healthy".

 

Burning wood produces water vapour.  Eta even burning coal produces some.

Houses just were very steamy on wash days. 

Edited December 16, 2022 by Laura Corin

[Boymama5]

If it were my mom or mil I’d appreciate the help if they were staying with me or watching my kids. Actually my mil typically does help with house things as much as she can while she’s helping with my kids. If I specifically don’t want the help I directly tell her. 
 

Other guests I would say no thanks, please don’t.  Unless of course they were there to help me (ie I just had surgery, baby, etc). 

[Catwoman]

5 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Boy, now people don't want visitors to help clear the table. Unbelievable. 

Slam me all you like, so glad I don't have to be walking on eggshells around people like you guys must have to.

I hate to say this, but it kind of feels like you're the one slamming the Americans, not the other way around, and I don't understand why. Ok, so maybe you do some things differently than we do, but it seems like you're getting offended over such tiny little things, like how we clear the table when we have visitors over for dinner and how we dry our laundry. Why would that bother you at all? 

No one here is walking on eggshells. Using a clothes dryer and not having visitors help clear the table is not some weird topic of debate or ridicule in the United States. People started discussing it here as a tangent to Gardenmom's OP, but it's not something anyone bothers to discuss in everyday life. Both are total non-issues.

Honestly, I don't know anyone who hangs laundry on clotheslines; everyone I know uses a dryer, but there are places where it's still pretty common. I don't think anyone would judge anyone else by the way they choose to dry their clothes. Who cares?

As for having visitors help clear the table, everyone has their own preferences, and again, who cares? If I'm a guest in someone's home and it's time to clear the table, I offer to help, and if they say yes, I help, and if they say no thanks, I don't. No big deal. No drama. No walking on eggshells.

I'm surprised that you seem to be so judgmental about this. I feel like you may be getting an inaccurate perception from some of the posts, because you're taking it way more seriously than any American would. And anyway, at most, it's nothing more than a minor cultural difference, and certainly not a consequential one. I can assure you that if you ever visit the US, the topics of clothes dryers and table clearing will probably never come up. 😉 

[Xahm]

In college we had shared laundry facilities in the dorms. In mine, the common practice was to try to not leave your stuff in the dryer, but if you need to use a dryer that was finished but full, you needed to either track down the person or fold for them. Usually it was faster just to fold. It was a fairly small number of people involved, so people didn't take advantage and everyone sometimes folded other people's clothes and sometimes felt slightly guilty about coming back and finding your own laundry really nicely folded by one if the girls who worked at Aeropostale on breaks.

I did really offend a friend of mine with laundry. We were working a summer job together and sharing a fairly small room. She brought back some clothes from her house that were rank from pets gone wrong, her parents' smoking indoors, etc. I asked her several times to handle it, then washed it after a few days of no change as I was really having trouble sleeping due to the smell. She was angry because she rightfully saw it as a criticism of her cleanliness. It was. At some point, it just had to be done. Thankfully she got over it and was faster to deal with things after that. I wonder sometimes if there was a way I could have handled it better because it was just a no-win situation. It seems to me that the op's situation is very different but may also be no-win.

Ps: I wish I could line-dry and do on occasion, but usually it's so humid that even hanging things in the direct sun, they mildew before drying.

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

Burning wood produces water vapour.  Eta even burning coal produces some.

Houses just were very steamy on wash days. 

depends how dry the wood is - and what type of fireplace you have.

[Laura Corin]

5 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

depends how dry the wood is - and what type of fireplace you have.

It's the formula for burning wood, isn't it? I agree that a wood stove is drier because vapour is piped away.

https://www.e-education.psu.edu/egee439/node/534#:~:text=CH4%2B4O2,2O (plus heat!)