This is too big of a request right?

[lulalu]

Don't quote I am going to delete as is too revealing of my identity. 

Thanks for the responses. I think I will calculate out what it will cost us and show dh and have him ask if his sister is willing to pay for that.

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by lulalu

[Rosie_0801]

She has the right to ask, though it is a rather bold request. You have the right to say yes or no, whether you're free that day or not.

[Selkie]

Sounds crazy to me.

[lulalu]

6 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She has the right to ask, though it is a rather bold request. You have the right to say yes or no, whether you're free that day or not.

That's the problem dh wants to say yes and I don't want to leave at 4:30 and spend 13 hours driving in one day! He sees it as an ok request where I see it as a situation where she needs to find solution that doesn't involve us. 

[Harriet Vane]

It is a big ask, yes. 

SIL might not be counting up what that means for you in practical terms.

I don't understand why all of you would need to go? I have done that much driving to and from Chicago or to bring kids to camp. It's a long slog, for sure. I've done such a slog many times. I don't think I'd drag all the kids along for a full day of just driving.

[kristin0713]

Yeah that’s a huge request. I would decline. If DH wanted to do it, I would support him. (Him, not me!)

[prairiewindmomma]

15 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She has the right to ask, though it is a rather bold request. You have the right to say yes or no, whether you're free that day or not.

This. 

[lulalu]

6 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

 

I don't understand why all of you would need to go? I have done that much driving to and from Chicago or to bring kids to camp. It's a long slog, for sure. I've done such a slog many times. I don't think I'd drag all the kids along for a full day of just driving.

Dh can do the driving part alone. He does most of the driving in our family anyways. But we only are renting one car right now. And renting another car for a day is expensive! We are not in a neighborhood where I feel comfortable without a car all day. 

[gardenmom5]

She has the right to *ask*, and you have the right to say "the logistic just don't work".

[Harriet Vane]

1 minute ago, lulalu said:

Dh can do the driving part alone. He does most of the driving in our family anyways. But we only are renting one car right now. And renting another car for a day is expensive! We are not in a neighborhood where I feel comfortable without a car all day. 

In this case, I'd probably depend on Uber to be the backup if you needed a car.

(I say that understanding about neighborhoods--I lived in a high-crime neighborhood in Chicago for many years.) It's only one day. I don't see any benefit to all of you driving around all day.

That said, it is really okay to go back to SIL and explain that with limited time and money, that's a big ask. Perhaps she might be willing to help pay for gas or to find someone else. Personally I am fine with driving and would view it as an opportunity to connect with the teen in question, but it is equally valid to say it's too much for your family.

[gardenmom5]

12 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

  I have done that much driving to and from Chicago or to bring kids to camp. It's a long slog, for sure. I've done such a slog many times. 

have you done that much driving in a day for someone else's kids? (NOT yours)  or just your kids?

[Amira]

Most people don't understand what you're dealing with right now.  I'm so sorry that you had to leave on such short notice, and I know how incredibly stressful and expensive that is. It is 100% fine to say that you can't do this right now, even if others don't understand what life is like for you.  It would be okay to say no even if you were in a more stable situation, but things are really hard right now for you.

DH and I would have exactly the same conversation.  He'd say it was fine and we could manage it and he could just go on his own if I didn't want to come, and I'd say that we really couldn't manage it.  If he really wanted to do this, I'd say that it could only work if SIL paid for a hotel.  If that doesn't work for her, then she can find another alternative.  But a hotel in this situation seems reasonable if you're asking someone to do that much driving.

I am so sorry about your displacement and I hope you can go home soon.  

Edited November 15, 2022 by Amira

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe Husband needs the cost calculated for him. 13 hours of petrol money plus a hotel so his niece's father doesn't have to take his own kid to the airport is a lot of money. Plus he doesn't get to complain about anyone complaining about the long and boring drive, because such consequences were his choice.

[marbel]

4 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

have you done that much driving in a day for someone else's kids? (NOT yours)  or just your kids?

I'm not the person you are questioning, but I don't get what that has to do with it. The child is the OP's husband's niece. I've done such traveling and more for my nieces and nephews. People's view of family relationships and what they are willing to do for extended family members will vary.

OP, I'm sorry you are having this trouble. In your shoes, I would discuss with my husband and explain my reasons for saying no. I don't understand your hesitance to be without a car for one day - it sounds as if you fear you will need to flee suddenly - but I believe you when you say you can't do it. But I would defer to my husband on what he will do for his family, just as my husband defers to me in matters related to my family. I agree it is a bold request!

[gardenmom5]

Just now, marbel said:

I'm not the person you are questioning, but I don't get what that has to do with it. The child is the OP's husband's niece. I've done such traveling and more for my nieces and nephews. People's view of family relationships and what they are willing to do for extended family members will vary.

 

The person who claims to have driven 6 1/2 ONE WAY to take kids to camp and thinks that much driving is not a big deal and that the OP should do it.  Six and a half hours one way = 13 hours of driving in a day.  Even in the best circumstances - that's a long day.  Given what gas costs - it's also expensive.   and then there's food on the road . . 

 

 

[bolt.]

It's not too big to "ask" -- in the sense that there's no harm in asking... sometimes people really will drop everything and make a big sacrifice for you. And sometimes they won't.

It's definitely big enough that saying "no" isn't likely to lead to hard feelings. It's really understandable if your family doesn't want to complicate your life in this way.

In the middle, maybe ask about gas and hotel money? If that's the next step in logistics, and it's what's holding you back, you can just bring it up and see what her answer is. (If it's the time commitment, physical effort, and genuine inconveniencing of your lives that is holding you back, just say no.)

[wintermom]

It sounds like a bit of a strange situation to get in the middle of, TBH. Can an uncle even have the authority to put a minor child on an airplane without a guardian being involved? I wouldn't want to drive 6.5 hours to find out that it can't be done. 

[Bootsie]

The size of the request, to me, is not the major issue.  To me it is an issue of whether your husband is willing to say "yes" to the request and whether you are willing to say "yes".  If expenses are a major issue, it would fine to say, "I can do this, but I will need you to help with $x for gas money because we just don't have that in our budget."  If it were something my husband was wanting to do to help out his family, I would try as best as possible to be supportive.  Unless it was a day that I really needed the car (to get to an important doctor's appt, etc.), I would let him take the car if I didn't want to accompany him.  I am also wondering if there is some other solution.  Is there another airport the minor can fly out of?  If you are 4 1/2 hours away is there a way he can go get the child and drive to an airport closer to your home, rather than farther, for the flight?  Or, is there a family member that could drive part of the way with the child in your direction and then your husband get the child and drive to an airport nearer you?

[ScoutTN]

I’d say no, for the reasons others have listed. Might reconsider IF the SIL is paying for your Dh to take a rental car (so you still have transportation), gas, and hotel. 

[Catwoman]

This would be a big, fat, honking NO.

Your sister has a lot of nerve to make such an absolutely ridiculous request, and I think your dh would be out of his ever-loving mind to agree to do it. 

This isn't just an inconvenience. It is INSANE.

[Catwoman]

32 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Maybe Husband needs the cost calculated for him. 13 hours of petrol money plus a hotel so his niece's father doesn't have to take his own kid to the airport is a lot of money. Plus he doesn't get to complain about anyone complaining about the long and boring drive, because such consequences were his choice.

YES! 

This is not only a tremendous inconvenience, but it's also a substantial expense!

 

[gardenmom5]

3 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

I’d say no, for the reasons others have listed. Might reconsider IF the SIL is paying for your Dh to take a rental car (so you still have transportation), gas, and hotel. 

I'll bet if she put it like that - the mother would find alternative means . .

[KSera]

40 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

13 hours of petrol money plus a hotel so his niece's father doesn't have to take his own kid to the airport is a lot of money.l

If I’m following properly, dn is currently two hours from the airport? So her own dad would only need to drive two hours there and two hours back. Less driving than just one way for you, and a much more reasonable one day drive. I assume there is some backstory of why she is asking her brother rather than the dad doing it, but it seems like dad or someone else living where dn does is the best suited to do this. 

[AnneBlessedx4]

That is crazy huge. I think you should say no.  You are in the middle of your own complicated messy situation.  She needs to find an alternative.

[lulalu]

1 minute ago, KSera said:

If I’m following properly, dn is currently two hours from the airport? So her own dad would only need to drive two hours there and two hours back. Less driving than just one way for you, and a much more reasonable one day drive. I assume there is some backstory of why she is asking her brother rather than the dad doing it, but it seems like dad or someone else living where dn does is the best suited to do this. 

Yes ex husband lives 2 hours from the airport. My sil doesn't do much talking to her ex (although they have kids together and should be talking more). 

[Drama Llama]

19 minutes ago, wintermom said:

It sounds like a bit of a strange situation to get in the middle of, TBH. Can an uncle even have the authority to put a minor child on an airplane without a guardian being involved? I wouldn't want to drive 6.5 hours to find out that it can't be done. 

People take kids who are not theirs to the airport to fly all the time.  Otherwise no kids could get home from flying to grandma’s.

As to what I’d think, I think it depends on family culture, on your level of stress (displacement sounds super stressful) and on hers.  If my sister was involuntarily and unfairly IMO separated from her kids, and in difficult circumstances and this was the only way for her to see them?  Yes, I would.  If she has other options and chose to instead impose on me?  That would be different.  Also, would she do it for me?  Had she done things of similar magnitude to support me when I needed it?

[QueenCat]

NM. After reading more details, I'd say no way, not happening.

Edited November 15, 2022 by QueenCat

[lulalu]

29 minutes ago, wintermom said:

It sounds like a bit of a strange situation to get in the middle of, TBH. Can an uncle even have the authority to put a minor child on an airplane without a guardian being involved? I wouldn't want to drive 6.5 hours to find out that it can't be done. 

Yes, we've done it before. You can drop off. We have also flown with our nieces before and no id is asked even though our last names are different. Flying isn't all that safe! Only the international flights asked for id of minors in our experience. 

[regentrude]

Given that the child lives only 2 hours from the airport it is absolutely ludicrous to ask a person who is 4.5 hours further away to come and drive the kid.
Surely, there has to be some person or service in the child's city that could deliver the kid to the airport. The kid's father or whatever other adult the kid is living with sound like the obvious choice.

Edited November 15, 2022 by regentrude

[Catwoman]

16 minutes ago, lulalu said:

Yes ex husband lives 2 hours from the airport. My sil doesn't do much talking to her ex (although they have kids together and should be talking more). 

I can't understand why your dh would even consider doing this, knowing full well that the kid's own father only lives 2 hours from the airport.

 

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited December 3, 2022 by BandH

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's too big of a request for the SIL.  It is also too big of a request by the dh of his wife and family.  (Though I agree that he feels that strongly about it then he should go himself and that an Uber could be called if there was an emergency.  Otherwise you can plan ahead for meals etc. for a day when you will be without a car all day.) 

Be aware that the requirements for paperwork etc. for unaccompanied minors can differ depending on the airline. 

[KatieJ]

I would look for some kind of transportation service for her.

We live 1.5 hours from an airport. Relatives flew here this summer and were able to find transportation both ways  thru 2 different services. 

[Arcadia]

I would factor in taxi costs instead of Uber. When my husband was out of town pre-pandemic, we had to pay for cab a few times to get to community college because public transport would not be able to get us there in time for class. In fact I had to call for a cab after trying for 30mins to get an Uber. 

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

have you done that much driving in a day for someone else's kids? (NOT yours)  or just your kids?

Yes. I have done it (and more, actually) for my niece and for young cousins who I count as nieces/nephews (their mom was close in age to me and we were raised together because our moms had a business together). I have driven them here and there simply because they needed that, whether locally or much, much longer drives.

I also did a massive road trip with my best friend--all day driving for no other reason than that she is medically fragile and was afraid to take an airplane. In that case I drove from Virginia to Chicago one day, hung around in Chicago working on my laptop and seeing family, then drove her back to Virginia another day.

For my own kids, I've done aaaalll the drives, including days (a couple years in a row) where I had to drive from my house up to one camp in Muskegon (6 hours) then from Muskegon to the Sault St. Marie area to another camp. So yeah, I've done that much driving. 

That said, I am well aware that driving is a superpower for me. Long hours on the road really don't bother me. I enjoy listening to books or singing with the radio or talking to friends on the phone. It IS a big ask to do that many hours of driving for someone, as I said in my previous posts. If it's too much--whether because of money or because of time involved--then it's perfectly reasonable to say so. The point of my post was simply to suggest that it's possible if desired.

Edited November 15, 2022 by Harriet Vane
typo

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

The person who claims to have driven 6 1/2 ONE WAY to take kids to camp and thinks that much driving is not a big deal and that the OP should do it.  Six and a half hours one way = 13 hours of driving in a day.  Even in the best circumstances - that's a long day.  Given what gas costs - it's also expensive.   and then there's food on the road . . 

 

 

Yes, it is a big day and it is expensive. That's why every single one of my posts specifically say that it is reasonable not to do it. I made suggestions for both scenarios.