Sexist or sweet?

[saraha]

Dh and I had a conversation about this a few years ago.

I drove an 8 seater Astro van everyday with the kids, but if we would all go somewhere, dh would ask for the keys and just get in the driver side. One day I just got in the driver side and he looked at me weird and said “You’re driving?” Like I haven’t put 100,000 miles on this vehicle. I said, “why, don’t you want me to?” And he responded, I always drive. I got out and walked around and he got in. I sat there fuming about it. Finally I decided that I needed to say something since all the kids were in the van and saw me capitulate to dh driving my car.

I said to him, “I didn’t realize I needed permission to drive my own vehicle.” He thought about it for a while and said “we’ll, I like driving”  I answered back, “well so do I, except in the city. But whenever we all go somewhere I’m not allowed to drive my own car and need to ask you if it’s ok if I drive, which is asking permission to drive my own car.” He thought about it for a while longer and said “I’m sorry, you’re right. I always drive and it is just automatic.”

For the next few weeks he would ask me if I’d like to drive or him to drive if we took my vehicle. Sometimes I would drive and sometimes I would let him. He fell out of that habit though and now just assumes he’s driving unless I get in the car first. He doesn’t ask me to get out anymore though, if I do get in the drivers seat.

[chiguirre]

Dh almost always drives and we almost always take his car. I don't mind because he is a terrible backseat driver, to the point that dd refused to practice with him because he made her so nervous. The irony is that he's so directionally challenged that he will ask me how to get to places 5 miles from our house, so I am constantly telling him what lane to get into and where to turn. It would be more efficient for me to drive, but he'd be so sad since he so rarely gets a chance to drive now that he works from home. It would be like taking a kid to the Disney World Grand Prix and insisting on driving.

[dsmith]

Dh always drives with very rare exceptions. I find driving tiring - MS makes keeping my foot on the gas or brake exhausting. But even before MS I wasn't a fan of driving. If I have to drive somewhere far he offers to drive me if I'm not up to it. I chose 'always the husband' and 'I don't like to drive' but if there was a 'I feel taken care of' option I would have chosen that. Safe has a different connotation to me than taken care of. Not that I want dh to have to take care of me full time, but I appreciate the fact that he recognizes my difficulties and takes care of me in a way that I don't feel like I'm a burden to him.

[YaelAldrich]

Locally it's usually me ferrying DH to work so I drive. If we're going on a date he usually drives. 

Long distance he tends to drive even though I love to drive (Just drove 13 hours to visit my parents on Monday and drove back Thursday. No stopovers). That's because he gets carsick if he isn't driving so he would rather drive (since he can't read or anything fun). If he does get tired I take over. It's a little annoying because he usually wants to talk or whatever and if I'm not driving I'd rather sleep or read and ignore the world. 

I'm a better driver. All the bumps and dings on our cars are from his driving. Every accident I've had was someone running into me. 

[Denise in IN]

My husband likes to drive and I don't, so he pretty much always drives.  Everyone is happy!

[TravelingChris]

15 hours ago, maize said:

This varies by state, so maybe he learned to drive in a different state?

In some states the left lane is explicitly for passing, in others all lanes are fair game to drive in.

 

But more and more are turning to don't stay in left lane, especially if slower than other traffic.  It is because it causes accidents.

[TravelingChris]

8 hours ago, dsmith said:

Dh always drives with very rare exceptions. I find driving tiring - MS makes keeping my foot on the gas or brake exhausting. But even before MS I wasn't a fan of driving. If I have to drive somewhere far he offers to drive me if I'm not up to it. I chose 'always the husband' and 'I don't like to drive' but if there was a 'I feel taken care of' option I would have chosen that. Safe has a different connotation to me than taken care of. Not that I want dh to have to take care of me full time, but I appreciate the fact that he recognizes my difficulties and takes care of me in a way that I don't feel like I'm a burden to him.

I don't have MS but have other autoimmune diseases that have affected my driving.  Like we first had a stick shift car but none after the first one because my RA made extra foot movements and hand movements be difficult and more painful.  We shared driving for years but in the last ten years, he does almost all the driving because yes, it does wear me out due to Lupus, etc.

[easypeasy]

We switch it up. DH will usually drive unless he seems extra worn out. I’ll offer to drive those days (like I do other times, but I’ll be more insistent).

I love when he drives but if we are in a hurry, I prefer to drive. I’m more racecar driver style than he is and make better time in those situations. lol He tends toward “Sunday-driving” style. 

[TABmom]

I chose that dh always drives, although it’s not literally 100 percent of the time. We certainly switch off on long trips, but the default is certainly him driving. I think we both prefer it that way. I feel like he is a better driver- although I have only once been the cause of an accident and it was backing my dad’s car into my mom’s car less than a month after getting my license! So I can objectively say I am not a bad driver. But it stresses me out when I am on unfamiliar roads. It doesn’t stress him out. And honestly, of all the time spent in the car- 85 percent is just me and the kids. So I do drive a lot. Even when we are going to the same place, we often have to take separate cars because of having to go/leave at different times. (Like he goes to my dd’s softball game straight from work because it is closer. Or I have to leave in the middle of one kid’s sports activity to take another kid to their sports activity!) 

But here is a sweet, chivalrous driving story. Friday, I had to take a 3 hour long test in a city 2 hours away. I didn’t want to drive- it was a place I had never been and super early in the morning. So he drove me. He got up early on his day off and spent almost the entire day driving /shopping. I passed my test- and I told him  he helped a lot because I went in relaxed, instead of stressed about driving and finding parking!

[SKL]

Maybe funny, but whenever my household goes somewhere as a group (3 adults + 2 teens), I automatically get in the backseat with my kids.  😛 

I do plenty of driving as a single mom.  But I don't love it.  Also, we have the "backseat driver" dynamic with the person who most enjoys driving.  I hate that so much.  Our driving styles are very different, but both ways get us there, so shut up.  😛

My driving is preferred on long night drives or in super bad weather.  I have more bad weather experience, good night vision, and don't get sleepy while driving.  However, I may have to warn a certain person to keep her lips zipped unless it's an emergency.  😛

[Hannah]

On 6/18/2022 at 4:51 AM, wathe said:

If we are taking my car, I drive.  If we are taking his car, he drives.  On long trips we switch out at intervals. 

This is how we do it as well.

[Tree Frog]

On 6/18/2022 at 8:38 AM, maize said:

This varies by state, so maybe he learned to drive in a different state?

In some states the left lane is explicitly for passing, in others all lanes are fair game to drive in.

 

I thought this site was interesting. I was curious to see which states didn't require slower moving traffic to move over. I think it's dangerous for slower drivers to drive in the left lane when they're impeding traffic.

11 hours ago, TravelingChris said:

But more and more are turning to don't stay in left lane, especially if slower than other traffic.  It is because it causes accidents.

 

[Ting Tang]

I don't necessarily feel protected, but him driving means I get to look at the scenery, my phone, or enjoy a nice latte.  LOL  

[Murphy101]

My husband usually drives but that’s often because I multitask if i’m not driving.  For decades it was because I would be the one giving the baby in the bucket seat their pacifier or nursing in the backseat or whatever else.

I don’t think it’s sweet or sexy or anything. It’s just … driving.

There was a time when he would have not liked that. Heck he still might I guess.  oh well.  I think he is a big enough man to handle the disappointment at this point.  

[stephanier.1765]

6 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

I thought this site was interesting. I was curious to see which states didn't require slower moving traffic to move over. I think it's dangerous for slower drivers to drive in the left lane when they're impeding traffic.

 

I wish every driver saw this. Makes me crazy! There is one busy 3 lane road through our city. No one does the speed limit, as in they go slower, generally by 10mph. The limit is 45 but nearly everyone in all 3 lanes goes no faster than 35. I just don't get it. Why would you want to go slow? Why does everyone want to go slow? It makes my brain want to explode to see 3 cars across the 3 lanes doing 35 with nothing but clear roads ahead of them and them toddling along side by side as if they have no where to go.

[TravelingChris]

8 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I wish every driver saw this. Makes me crazy! There is one busy 3 lane road through our city. No one does the speed limit, as in they go slower, generally by 10mph. The limit is 45 but nearly everyone in all 3 lanes goes no faster than 35. I just don't get it. Why would you want to go slow? Why does everyone want to go slow? It makes my brain want to explode to see 3 cars across the 3 lanes doing 35 with nothing but clear roads ahead of them and them toddling along side by side as if they have no where to go.

That would not be happening in my state.

[weaver_67579]

On 6/17/2022 at 8:44 PM, Baseballandhockey said:

My husband generally drives, unless he is tired. I generally don't mind driving (other than city driving-hate that), but I dislike driving with him in the car. He nitpicks my driving to the point of me getting very irritated. 

 

[Drama Llama]

8 minutes ago, weaver_67579 said:

 

That is so weird.  It shows up as if it’s a quote from me.  But I didn’t say that.  

Not that there’s anything wrong with what you said.  

[weaver_67579]

36 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

That is so weird.  It shows up as if it’s a quote from me.  But I didn’t say that.  

Not that there’s anything wrong with what you said.  

I tried to reply to you-strange 

[Drama Llama]

11 minutes ago, weaver_67579 said:

I tried to reply to you-strange 

I think that's maybe your reply that looks like it's quoted from me?

It's not a big deal.  I happen to be the opposite of you.  I don't mind city driving, but the highway is not my favorite.  So, I thought "I know I didn't say that!". 

[mom2scouts]

When DH and I are together, he almost always drives. I've never liked to drive and dh has never minded driving, so that has always worked for us. Around 2019, I developed driving anxiety for some reason and then, with Covid keeping us home so much, the anxiety got worse and it's been difficult to drive anywhere that's outside my daily comfort zone of driving. On long trips, DH likes if I'll drive for awhile to give him a chance to rest, but I usually don't drive very long.

[SeaConquest]

On 6/17/2022 at 5:48 PM, Jean in Newcastle said:

We switch it up but I drive 90% of the time. 

Same.

[SoCal_Bear]

I drive 100% of the time but that is because after pg, I became incredibly motion sick as a passenger. It never went away. I would dearly love to never have to drive all the time, but I do it all even our extremely long haul drives. 10-12 hours in a day.

[katilac]

If a couple trades off driving, that's equitable and a fine arrangement. 

If one spouse offers to drive bc the other spouse doesn't like, they're being nice. 

If one spouse insists on driving even when the other spouse would prefer to share the driving, they're being a jerk. 

Applicable to all genders.