Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[thatfirstsip]

I think maybe he's operating as if you're still afraid of him. So he has a lot more power in his head than he does in real life, because you've made some serious progress in knowing yourself and being confident in your strength.

[thatfirstsip]

When I think about it, it's really a pretty unstable situation that the GAL relied on in the first place. Yes, his faculty housing was the marital home and it makes sense to keep the kids' primary residence there, but faculty housing is only as guaranteed as your job and jobs aren't exactly guaranteed. Plus your town iirc isn't super easy to find other jobs or rentals in, and he's got a pretty niche profession, so it's all less stable than it seems at first glance.

Having housing tied to your job is just precarious, and then he put that at risk and it turns out he's not Mr. Stable Sane Parent after all. 

[heartlikealion]

25 minutes ago, thatfirstsip said:

When I think about it, it's really a pretty unstable situation that the GAL relied on in the first place. Yes, his faculty housing was the marital home and it makes sense to keep the kids' primary residence there, but faculty housing is only as guaranteed as your job and jobs aren't exactly guaranteed. Plus your town iirc isn't super easy to find other jobs or rentals in, and he's got a pretty niche profession, so it's all less stable than it seems at first glance.

Having housing tied to your job is just precarious, and then he put that at risk and it turns out he's not Mr. Stable Sane Parent after all. 

He lived & worked there like 8 years at the time of the divorce proceedings so it did look pretty stable. 

All I can think is he’s super bitter and lashing out at me. Right now he probably can’t even secure a recent job reference?? 

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

A recent allegation has been brought forward and I can totally disprove it. I don’t know where his info comes from. 

Out of his own head, probably.

[heartlikealion]

24 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Out of his own head, probably.

Yeah quite possibly. He will need to prove it though so I don’t get his logic. 

Edited January 2, 2023 by heartlikealion

[Hannah]

5 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

Yeah quite possibly. He will need to prove it though so I don’t get his logic. 

He's not exactly known for his logic, is he?

[ktgrok]

I'm wondering if he moved due to a job offer, and then the job fell through so he's scrambling now?

[heartlikealion]

37 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

I'm wondering if he moved due to a job offer, and then the job fell through so he's scrambling now?

I think there’s no job offer and he moved there to be near his family (his dad, sister/her family). But who knows. 

[Faith-manor]

9 hours ago, thatfirstsip said:

I think maybe he's operating as if you're still afraid of him. So he has a lot more power in his head than he does in real life, because you've made some serious progress in knowing yourself and being confident in your strength.

This right here. He is still under the notion he can control you, and is probably beginning to lose his grip on himself and his decision making because he is finding out that he has lost some of his power. My brother went through some scary mental instability when he realized his ex was moving on in life, and not tolerating his nonsense before. He was so nuts about it, that when he remarried, he wanted his boys to still think their mother was pining away for him, and wrote a letter "from her" begging him not to remarry which he read aloud to his sons. My sixteen year old nephew said, "Dad. I know you wrote that. It doesn't sound a bit like mom, and I can see the letter from here, and it is in your handwriting." Idiot!

[Innisfree]

You’ve probably addressed this long ago, but there isn’t any chance he’s following the discussion here, is there?

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

This right here. He is still under the notion he can control you, and is probably beginning to lose his grip on himself and his decision making because he is finding out that he has lost some of his power. My brother went through some scary mental instability when he realized his ex was moving on in life, and not tolerating his nonsense before. He was so nuts about it, that when he remarried, he wanted his boys to still think their mother was pining away for him, and wrote a letter "from her" begging him not to remarry which he read aloud to his sons. My sixteen year old nephew said, "Dad. I know you wrote that. It doesn't sound a bit like mom, and I can see the letter from here, and it is in your handwriting." Idiot!

Wow.

I saved a text interaction where I said I wasn’t filing the motion against him and I wished him and his new family a happy future. I really don’t care they are together but I do care that he doesn’t seem to mind our daughter regularly wrestling with her stepbro and that he thinks it’s ok to have 2 boys bunk together given the situation I pointed out once in this thread. Dd resents me for asking her to not wrestle. 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, Innisfree said:

You’ve probably addressed this long ago, but there isn’t any chance he’s following the discussion here, is there?

Technically he could be but his goals are to prove I did something he can’t prove because it didn’t happen. And I don’t see him taking the time to read all this. Nothing from here ever was used. He can screenshot a he said/she said type thread but I don’t think it’s very useful. They (judges) already dislike wading through texts and emails. 

[fairfarmhand]

Here's how I think things went.

Ex was super mad about the divorce and so lashed out at @heartlikealionin the cruelest way he could imagine...by pressing for full custody and limiting her time with the children. Not necessarily because he wanted this but because it was the best way to get his licks in. Also, that would (in his mind) give him full control over the decision making with the kids and that was another way to twist the knife in heart.

Then, he had to manage the reality of life as basically a single dad. He had to rearrange work schedules, since his work schedule wasn't set up to provide as much child supervision as was needed. He had to change everything which forced him to start slipping in his job responsibilities. (Of course a normal person would text the exwife and admit that he was in over his head with child care and try to work something out so heart could have more time with the kids as well as him managing work better, but it's already established that this guy will cut off his nose to spite his face.)

Then, he thought, well, I'll get me a new honey to help with this stuff, so he finds a chick and moves her in, violating the terms of faculty housing. 

When his supervisors, already dissatisfied with his job performance because of the time he's having to take off, figure out that they have another situation to manage, they cut him loose. 

He's now in a panic and having to make big decisions quickly. Of course, he believes that he has unilateral decision making and just goes and moves the family to the city, violating his visitation schedule. 

Of course, the exhusband can't admit that all of this was his own fault for being so unreasonable and spiteful so he's trying to rewrite history and make things look like everything is all heart's fault. 

Edited January 2, 2023 by fairfarmhand

[fairfarmhand]

50 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I think there’s no job offer and he moved there to be near his family (his dad, sister/her family). But who knows. 

He probably thought that having his family close by could help him with the child care hole he dug for himself, Because heaven forbid he give up any of "his" time with his kids to allow you to have a bit more.  Even if it would make his own life easier.

[heartlikealion]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

Here's how I think things went.

Ex was super mad about the divorce and so lashed out at @heartlikealionin the cruelest way he could imagine...by pressing for full custody and limiting her time with the children. Not necessarily because he wanted this but because it was the best way to get his licks in. Also, that would (in his mind) give him full control over the decision making with the kids and that was another way to twist the knife in heart.

Then, he had to manage the reality of life as basically a single dad. He had to rearrange work schedules, since his work schedule wasn't set up to provide as much child supervision as was needed. He had to change everything which forced him to start slipping in his job responsibilities. (Of course a normal person would text the exwife and admit that he was in over his head with child care and try to work something out so heart could have more time with the kids as well as him managing work better, but it's always established that this guy will cut off his nose to spite his face.)

Then, he thought, well, I'll get me a new honey to help with this stuff, so he finds a chick and moves her in, violating the terms of faculty housing. 

When his supervisors, already dissatisfied with his job performance because of the time he's having to take off, figure out that they have another situation to manage, they cut him loose. 

He's now in a panic and having to make big decisions quickly. Of course, he believes that he has unilateral decision making and just goes and moves the family to the city, violating his visitation schedule. 

Of course, the exhusband can't admit that all of this was his own fault for being so unreasonable and spiteful so he's trying to rewrite history and make things look like everything is all heart's fault. 

Once during the pending divorce he admitted that it was too much for one to do alone (child rearing). But that was (I believe) before he was dating. And I’d say weeks? prior to me learning about the woman he was still telling me he loved me and sending me photos of his own weight loss journey. I didn’t take the bait, which was a ploy to get positive attention or “supply.“ I exchange weight loss photos with my bestie not an ex spouse lol 

I do not think that man knows love the way a typical person does. I think he has his own concept of love. So I don’t think I could have ever fixed things and I’m happy to be out. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

Once during the pending divorce he admitted that it was too much for one to do alone (child rearing). But that was (I believe) before he was dating. And I’d say weeks? prior to me learning about the woman he was still telling me he loved me and sending me photos of his own weight loss journey. I didn’t take the bait, which was a ploy to get positive attention or “supply.“ I exchange weight loss photos with my bestie not an ex spouse lol 

I do not think that man knows love the way a typical person does. I think he has his own concept of love. So I don’t think I could have ever fixed things and I’m happy to be out. 

He can't imagine that anyone would not want him. So it really stings that you walked away. And yes, you're right about his relational skills. They're totally messed up.

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

He probably thought that having his family close by could help him with the child care hole he dug for himself, Because heaven forbid he give up any of "his" time with his kids to allow you to have a bit more.  Even if it would make his own life easier.

I think this is part of it as well as trying to limit my current access even more. 

[heartlikealion]

When his mom died I was not mentioned in the obit as a survivor (ok whatever, divorce was pending). And I offered to watch dd during the funeral or have my dad watch her but he said they had it taken care of. I think he took her to the funeral. My mother died approx a year before and I deliberately did not bring dd to the funeral. I told my dad not to attend but we later learned he would have been welcome. Their family doesn’t communicate. And my ex FIL should have written the obit, not xh. The parent roles are kinda messed up. 

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Here's how I think things went.

Ex was super mad about the divorce and so lashed out at @heartlikealionin the cruelest way he could imagine...by pressing for full custody and limiting her time with the children. Not necessarily because he wanted this but because it was the best way to get his licks in. Also, that would (in his mind) give him full control over the decision making with the kids and that was another way to twist the knife in heart.

Then, he had to manage the reality of life as basically a single dad. He had to rearrange work schedules, since his work schedule wasn't set up to provide as much child supervision as was needed. He had to change everything which forced him to start slipping in his job responsibilities. (Of course a normal person would text the exwife and admit that he was in over his head with child care and try to work something out so heart could have more time with the kids as well as him managing work better, but it's already established that this guy will cut off his nose to spite his face.)

Then, he thought, well, I'll get me a new honey to help with this stuff, so he finds a chick and moves her in, violating the terms of faculty housing. 

When his supervisors, already dissatisfied with his job performance because of the time he's having to take off, figure out that they have another situation to manage, they cut him loose. 

He's now in a panic and having to make big decisions quickly. Of course, he believes that he has unilateral decision making and just goes and moves the family to the city, violating his visitation schedule. 

Of course, the exhusband can't admit that all of this was his own fault for being so unreasonable and spiteful so he's trying to rewrite history and make things look like everything is all heart's fault. 

Bingo!

My brother had NO desire to single parent. Really. He did have a desire to not pay child support, and to stick it to her for not being willing to put up with his inability to keep his fly zipped. So she sued for sole custody, made up outlandish lies about her that he couldn't prove, and settled for 50/50 with no child support though he had to pay all of the insurance copays on medical appointments, and tuition to the private school if he wanted the kids to remain in it since she was going to send them to public school because on her own, tuition wasn't happening.

The 16 year old was so disgusted by his father, and the abusive new honey brought into the house to step-mother so my lazy brother would not have to get off his ass and parent, he left, went to his mom's, and never came back. He complained to the GAL and the GAL told him to go eff himself because there was no way in hell the court was going to order that 16 to go back if he didn't want to. The next youngest, 7 at the time endured until he was 12, called his dad from his mom's and said he was never coming back, and she contacted her lawyer. The GAL and friend of the court did not like what he had to say about step mother and home life, and told my brother to give her sole custody of him because if it went before the judge, he might involve CPS in an investigation for abuse and neglect. Fearing more lawyer fees to defend himself, and potentially losing his security clearance at work if charged and found guilty, he exchange his son for no charges and a modicum of child support to pay which TO THIS DAY he had never let his son forget about, and that child is 31 years old now!

The next youngest, 4 at the time his 16 year old brother left did the exact same thing at 12, and the GAL and friend of court said the exact same thing. So he signed over and started paying child support for him. He had ZERO relationship at all with his father and step mother. He is married, 28 years old, two children, and my brother has been permitted two, one hour visits with his grandchildren. That is it. My brother complains because he thinks there should be no consequences for his actions or his wife's. But he also doesn't actually care about his grandchildren. He only cares that he doesn't get his way, and that his adult kids have boundaries he can't cross. 

Heart, I suspect your disgusting stxh is very, very much like my brother. It is possible he will fight to keep the kids so he doesn't have to pay child support, but I also think that over time, he may also stop giving a crap, and if wife 2 gets tired of parenting his kids, you may end up with a lot more parenting time if not custody of your daughter. My sister in law was monumentally happy to have her stepsons gone. She never wanted to be a part of their lives to begin with, she just wanted my brother and his good paycheck which bailed her out of some serious financial woes as she was single parenting het own daughter. I could totally see that being the motivation of his new wifey poo since the whole thing happened so fast. If he had lost his job, whoooo boy, she may be losing her crap right now!

Be like my ex sister in law. She simply didn't engage in his drama, continued to not bad mouth their father but she would gently set the record straight on facts she could prove, and kept parenting appropriately. Even if she had not ended up with custody of the boys for their teen years, she would have still been the one who ended up with relationships with them as adults, and is a beloved Nana to four grandchildren. She is much loved. Adulthood and maturity has a way of helping kids see their parents divorces and issues more clearly.

You are doing great, Heart!!!

[heartlikealion]

He says they are now officially withdrawn from the private school and enrolled in the public. 

[freesia]

20 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He says they are now officially withdrawn from the private school and enrolled in the public. 

Did you give him any reason to think you agreed with that?

[heartlikealion]

6 minutes ago, freesia said:

Did you give him any reason to think you agreed with that?

I deliberately said in text today that I didn’t agree with the decision to pull them mid year but I only needed confirmation on school so I would know where to drop them off. He responded saying it’s my fault 🙄

[freesia]

3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I deliberately said in text today that I didn’t agree with the decision to pull them mid year but I only needed confirmation on school so I would know where to drop them off. He responded saying it’s my fault 🙄

Good for you! As for him:🙄

[Faith-manor]

26 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I deliberately said in text today that I didn’t agree with the decision to pull them mid year but I only needed confirmation on school so I would know where to drop them off. He responded saying it’s my fault 🙄

Wow! He is a son of b#tch. But, just document this with your new attorney. He really doesn't have a leg to stand on because he did this whole thing without notice or discussion, and it is destabilizing for the children.

[heartlikealion]

Dad has ds excited about the new school. I'm sure if they have to start and stop (depending on what happens next, I have no idea) I'll look like the bad guy. But I can't worry about that right now. I'm just glad that overall my visit with ds has been pleasant. 

Xh has the kids' backpacks. Maybe I can get him to drop them off at my dad's so I don't have to interact with him. 

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

He says they are now officially withdrawn from the private school and enrolled in the public. 

I wonder how he plans to keep them in school AND keep to the court ordered visitation agreement. Court orders are not suggestions.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

I deliberately said in text today that I didn’t agree with the decision to pull them mid year but I only needed confirmation on school so I would know where to drop them off. He responded saying it’s my fault 🙄

Also, if he was an incredible, dedicated inspiring employee, they would have moved heaven and earth to keep him employed, despite the live in chick. They'd probably pulled him aside quietly and said "Hey, this violates policy. Go get hitched real quick and we'll forget it ever happened." 

[heartlikealion]

8 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I wonder how he plans to keep them in school AND keep to the court ordered visitation agreement. Court orders are not suggestions.

I wonder if he figured it was no big deal to just modify it to suit his needs. But it's unnerving. 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

Also, if he was an incredible, dedicated inspiring employee, they would have moved heaven and earth to keep him employed, despite the live in chick. They'd probably pulled him aside quietly and said "Hey, this violates policy. Go get hitched real quick and we'll forget it ever happened." 

They got married end of Oct and I dropped the motion I was going to file prior to that. So I don't see how I'm responsible in any way just for my inquiry. 

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

They got married end of Oct and I dropped the motion I was going to file prior to that. So I don't see how I'm responsible in any way just for my inquiry. 

Agreed. But even if you did cost him his job (which I don’t think you did) that is not justification for making it impossible to honor the visitation schedule with you. He could have scrambled around and found housing in the same school district just like he forced YOU to do when he had you removed from campus housing.  

[stephanier.1765]

Is today not a holiday there? The schools are closed here for New Year's Day observance. I wonder how he got ahold of anyone to withdraw or enroll the kids.

[maize]

26 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Is today not a holiday there? The schools are closed here for New Year's Day observance. I wonder how he got ahold of anyone to withdraw or enroll the kids.

I bet he did do it before, but was trying to back track after talking to his attorney and is now pretending he didn't do it until after talking with Heart.

[Tenaj]

27 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Is today not a holiday there? The schools are closed here for New Year's Day observance. I wonder how he got ahold of anyone to withdraw or enroll the kids.

There are some schools around us that went back today which surprised me but maybe that one is back in session?

[itsheresomewhere]

6 minutes ago, Tenaj said:

There are some schools around us that went back today which surprised me but maybe that one is back in session?

Same here.  Our area went back today. 

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, stephanier.1765 said:

Is today not a holiday there? The schools are closed here for New Year's Day observance. I wonder how he got ahold of anyone to withdraw or enroll the kids.

In our area, during covid protocols, they developed an online process, and it was accessible 24/7. Documents had to be scanned and uploaded, but the whole thing could be accomplished without in person contact, and the schools never went back to their previous method. The student does have to go to the office on day 1 to have student id's made.

[heartlikealion]

My girlfriend there said they have an online process at the public. As for the private school, he said he left a message. I don’t know if he means with a machine. Students return at private Tuesday. 

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Agreed. But even if you did cost him his job (which I don’t think you did) that is not justification for making it impossible to honor the visitation schedule with you. He could have scrambled around and found housing in the same school district just like he forced YOU to do when he had you removed from campus housing.  

You’re so right!!! I scrambled so hard to live in this county. Housing is next to nothing. And even harder when you have pets (he inherited her dog and cat). I kept our cat. 

[heartlikealion]

Seems so fitting

https://www.facebook.com/reel/667558244898246?mibextid=0NULKw&fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

[heartlikealion]

The lawyer I considered can’t take my case because she’s too busy and it’s time sensitive. I spoke to others and one said current lawyer couldn’t have made moving restrictions as it’s not a thing in our state… I’m not sure you can’t agree to some though??  

Seriously it’s like nothing is fair, nothing makes sense and I’m supposed to keep taking it. 

[saraha]

Wait, what?!? That doesn’t even make sense. I’m sorry

[freesia]

I don’t get then how it works if the move interferes with your custody time. That makes no sense. 

[heartlikealion]

24 minutes ago, saraha said:

Wait, what?!? That doesn’t even make sense. I’m sorry

I didn’t want to spar with her but I really wanted to say really? In a settlement that we draw up, we can’t add our own moving restrictions? 

I feel like all the lawyers are reactive not proactive. Get screwed pay more to solve things later. 

[heartlikealion]

Just now, freesia said:

I don’t get then how it works if the move interferes with your custody time. That makes no sense. 

They just want you to pay to modify it and take your lumps. Extra summer time I guess. And summer isn’t ideal as I’m working. 

[freesia]

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

They just want you to pay to modify it and take your lumps. Extra summer time I guess. And summer isn’t ideal as I’m working. 

Ugh. I’m so sorry 

[heartlikealion]

Everytime I see a light it’s just another damn train 

[Harriet Vane]

It's hard for me to understand how your lawyer was willing to take a stand for you when your ex's girlfriend moved in but doesn't see how to handle something as major as this. It impacts visitation and it IS a big deal. 

Can you push back with your current lawyer? 

Can you try another lawyer? Perhaps someone who practices in the nearest bigger city rather than a smaller town? Just thinking their experience might be wider. 

[heartlikealion]

2 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

It's hard for me to understand how your lawyer was willing to take a stand for you when your ex's girlfriend moved in but doesn't see how to handle something as major as this. It impacts visitation and it IS a big deal. 

Can you push back with your current lawyer? 

Can you try another lawyer? Perhaps someone who practices in the nearest bigger city rather than a smaller town? Just thinking their experience might be wider. 

All the lawyers we’ve used are city based and cover a few counties. 
The main issue with getting a new lawyer (which would be my third) is a new retainer 😓

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, Harriet Vane said:

It's hard for me to understand how your lawyer was willing to take a stand for you when your ex's girlfriend moved in but doesn't see how to handle something as major as this. It impacts visitation and it IS a big deal. 

Can you push back with your current lawyer? 

Can you try another lawyer? Perhaps someone who practices in the nearest bigger city rather than a smaller town? Just thinking their experience might be wider. 

Moving in an unmarried opposite sex ‘friend’ is a moral offense. Moving to a new location is about personal/financial freedom (tm). It may make zero sense elsewhere but I promise it makes sense in local context. This is how they roll. It sucks for OP.

[heartlikealion]

Well I don’t think my lawyer was exactly gung ho about filing a motion but was willing. I aired concerns about the fact that these people had just met my kids, the lack of bedrooms in the marital home, and the boy’s age in relation to dd. My request didn’t happen promptly and then I reconsidered and we never filed. Around that time xh got engaged and I sincerely wished him and the new family well. I really thought a chapter was closed and things were amicable. But apparently he thinks I continued to meddle in his work life? Fast forward to now which feels like a new battle when I thought the war was over. I’m tired emotionally and otherwise. 

[thatfirstsip]

I really dislike how much your local family court system sucks, Heart. I got divorced in a rural, conservative county and I thought it was ridiculously unequipped to handle our case, but yours is worse. 

[*LC]

I’m so sorry to hear about this latest development. I agree with everyone else that this move seems clearly to be a problem.

I found this but did not have time to read it. 
https://www.msbar.org/media/2375/gal-disc-3-mississippi-law-on-custody-and-visitation.pdf

The quick search also turned up this explanation on the website of a Mississippi law firm that seems to indicate moving long distance is a no no. The part about moving is in last paragraph. 
 

“Modifying a Mississippi Custody Order

Original custody orders can be modified in some cases, provided the parent seeking a modification can show a material change in circumstances that now adversely affects their children’s best interests. The parent who filed the petition has the burden of proof.

Family court judges won’t grant modifications unless the filing party can show:

A material change in the custodial home;

The change adversely affects your child’s welfare under the current arrangement; and

The modification will be in the best interest of your child.

When a parent moves a few miles away, it’s unlikely to be deemed a material change. However, if one parent wants to move further than 100 miles away, that could be a material change”

This firm says they do free case reviews if you want another opinion just to check.