Updates 2023 (job hunt etc)

[heartlikealion]

So you know how I like crafts/sewing? He is proficient  at sewing & upholstery because his mom owned a shop. I was like *swoon* 🤣

Edited November 5, 2022 by heartlikealion

[maize]

@heartlikealion I do hope you find someone (this person, or some future person) who you can feel like you have a mutually respectful and caring relationship with. You deserve that!

[heartlikealion]

I asked Xh if he started working Sun nights again since he hasn’t been around when I drop off dd. He said yes. Dd thinks someone commented that he wasn’t at work enough (remember he changed all his shifts prior to the divorce to be M-F 7:30-3:30). I found this interesting. So it’s true, his job always comes first and he will just make exceptions when he doesn’t have a partner to hold down the fort. 

I asked dd if the stepmom cooks and does she like the food (she’s from another country originally and then from TX so I assumed might have different cuisine). Dd said Dad cooks. So I guess the kids just eat whatever dad made. She said that the woman cooked “for dad” when they went to her home. Meals from her home country. 

This is all kind of interesting to me as I was accused of not providing enough food for ds. But I was preparing meals and where applicable rationing out was at the root due to food/financial insecurity (or me thinking ds was just trying to extend his bedtime by saying he was hungry again). Like oh look we have hardly any chicken. I can’t buy any locally. Will make due with this til next city trip. Then get fussed at by xh and/or kids for driving to city because they hated the long car trips and Xh hated the waste of gas.

I just hope over time my kids can appreciate my efforts in the present and/or past. I did provide full Thanksgiving meals the past 2 years (when I didn’t go to in-laws) and I try to have stuff here they like though it pains me to buy some of their snacks ($$ or junky so I may draw the line at times). Luckily dd has been great about eating yogurt & fruit or oatmeal & fruit during some of her visits. 

The guy I was dating vanished after we agreed that he wasn’t truly free to date without obstacles til he moved out of his toxic situation (long story but baby mama called and ruined our third date and he had to rush out. She still has a lot of control over him, mainly that he’s staying in the back of her home to save money and she’s supposedly crazy enough to banish him at the drop of a hat). We thought maybe if he got this pending promotion he could move out and date but he stopped responding to me and I looked up the job description which requires more hours than he stated. He’s either lying or oblivious. I do think the job description is probably accurate. At any rate, he became colder and ghosted which was so painful. Talking daily to radio silence. Maybe because I’m an HSP it hit extra hard. Logically I know I need to move on. 

There’s no easy way to make friends for me. Meetup website was a bust. Pickleball is hard to attend and mostly not people my age. I just feel so isolated. I just tell myself it’s not your fault. It’s circumstances. 

[Catwoman]

@heartlikealion I hate to say this, but you are better off without the guy. It is such a classic lie to say that he was still living with his ex just to save money. If you thought his relationship with her was platonic, you were probably sadly mistaken. 
 

Edited November 15, 2022 by Catwoman
Typo

[heartlikealion]

11 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

@heartlikealion I hate to say this, but you are better off without the guy. It is such a classic lie to say that he was still living with his ex just to save money. If you thought his relationship with her was platonic, you were probably sadly mistaken. 
 

They were dating separate people but she was a hypocrite. She gave herself more freedom in that area it seems. I know for sure they were divorced (it was on her Facebook profile). But I possibly triggered some feelings in her. Who knows. People suck. 

[Catwoman]

29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

They were dating separate people but she was a hypocrite. She gave herself more freedom in that area it seems. I know for sure they were divorced (it was on her Facebook profile). But I possibly triggered some feelings in her. Who knows. People suck. 

Honestly, I think you’re kidding yourself.

Everything you’re saying about this situation screams, loud and clear, that this guy was playing you. The things he told you were classic cheater excuses. 

He ghosted you because she caught him cheating and he needs to be on good behavior for a while. She might even be monitoring his phone, email, and texts. Don’t be surprised if you hear from him again in a month or so when she starts trusting him again. Because he’s a cheating cheater who cheats. 

Seriously, Heart, don’t be gullible here. You deserve better!

The big upside to this is that the guy found you attractive and nice, so the next guy you meet will probably feel the same way. Think of this as a verification of your attractiveness— and be a lot pickier about the next guy (and his living situation.) 
 

[heartlikealion]

33 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Honestly, I think you’re kidding yourself.

Everything you’re saying about this situation screams, loud and clear, that this guy was playing you. The things he told you were classic cheater excuses. 

He ghosted you because she caught him cheating and he needs to be on good behavior for a while. She might even be monitoring his phone, email, and texts. Don’t be surprised if you hear from him again in a month or so when she starts trusting him again. Because he’s a cheating cheater who cheats. 

Seriously, Heart, don’t be gullible here. You deserve better!

The big upside to this is that the guy found you attractive and nice, so the next guy you meet will probably feel the same way. Think of this as a verification of your attractiveness— and be a lot pickier about the next guy (and his living situation.) 
 

I can see where you are coming from, but I saw their text exchange and he told her he didn't answer sooner because he was trying to be polite toward me (and she knew he was with me). He mentioned the guy she was dating in the text exchange and how she wouldn't like it if he was blowing up her phone when she was with him. She nagged him about a trivial thing, rushing him to pick up an item at the store on the way home for their printer. Stated she didn't care what he was doing, but that he better do this task asap and implied him going out made him a bad dad (really, I don't know her side but it seemed like she was being way too harsh. They had already agreed he'd get it on the way home. I had been to his home before, he really did live in this back room of the home with separate entrance, and we spent time together after he put the kids to bed... he didn't seem like a deadbeat dad to me. Art on the wall from the kids dedicated to him, I heard him tuck them in). I heard her voice on the call and I saw her texts. Yes, it's totally possible to me that they got back together when she caught the jealous bug, but I do not think they were together when we were on our dates. I know it doesn't matter so much now, anyway. And yes, it was a little bit of an extra ego boost if he found me attractive since he was younger. 

[Catwoman]

52 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I can see where you are coming from, but I saw their text exchange and he told her he didn't answer sooner because he was trying to be polite toward me (and she knew he was with me). He mentioned the guy she was dating in the text exchange and how she wouldn't like it if he was blowing up her phone when she was with him. She nagged him about a trivial thing, rushing him to pick up an item at the store on the way home for their printer. Stated she didn't care what he was doing, but that he better do this task asap and implied him going out made him a bad dad (really, I don't know her side but it seemed like she was being way too harsh. They had already agreed he'd get it on the way home. I had been to his home before, he really did live in this back room of the home with separate entrance, and we spent time together after he put the kids to bed... he didn't seem like a deadbeat dad to me. Art on the wall from the kids dedicated to him, I heard him tuck them in). I heard her voice on the call and I saw her texts. Yes, it's totally possible to me that they got back together when she caught the jealous bug, but I do not think they were together when we were on our dates. I know it doesn't matter so much now, anyway. And yes, it was a little bit of an extra ego boost if he found me attractive since he was younger. 

Ok, so let's just say the guy was telling you the truth. I don't think he was, but let's just say he was.

There's an even bigger problem here. You got involved with a guy who is so financially insecure that he has to basically rent his ex-wife's spare room because he apparently can't afford to live anywhere else.

Set the bar higher than that! You can do better! 

Money isn't everything, but this guy sounds BROKE. He's like the trifecta of red flags.

Really, celebrate that he ghosted you. I'm sure it was nothing you did wrong!

[pinball]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Ok, so let's just say the guy was telling you the truth. I don't think he was, but let's just say he was.

There's an even bigger problem here. You got involved with a guy who is so financially insecure that he has to basically rent his ex-wife's spare room because he apparently can't afford to live anywhere else.

Set the bar higher than that! You can do better! 

Money isn't everything, but this guy sounds BROKE. He's like the trifecta of red flags.

Really, celebrate that he ghosted you. I'm sure it was nothing you did wrong!

What are the 3 things?

broke

living with ex

and…

(the exacta is fine tho! LOL)

[Catwoman]

Just now, pinball said:

What are the 3 things?

broke

living with ex

and…

(the exacta is fine tho! LOL)

#3  Ghosted heart instead of explaining what was going on 

 

[pinball]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

#3  Ghosted heart instead of explaining what was going on 

 

Oh, yeah! And that might be the worst of the three for some people, depending on your love languages 

[heartlikealion]

Thanksgiving visit was not the best, but we made it through. Ds texted asking if he could just not come uggggh. Then I almost let him go to dad's after our Thanksgiving meal but we didn't plan it well and he didn't have his stuff in the car and then it started raining so we just went home (we met family over two hours from my house). During the week we signed up for some Black Friday deals to get cheap streaming and he signed up for a trial of Paramount+ so we binge watched the latest Young Sheldon together. He did say some nasty things to me this week but he also made it a point to invite me to watch the show with him. So it's kind of our thing which is nice. I told him I'd lost a lot of weight and then he was like whoa and said he could tell (unlike dd lol!). 

I dealt with a couple liars and catfishers in the past couple weeks, but I think I found a good one... the app has an identification option so you can confirm you're the person in the images and that gives others some peace of mind. We've been talking a bit and he asked me out today. We both have a kid-free weekend in 2 weeks and will go out then. He's closer to my age, doesn't hang out with his ex, has his own place, stable job, seems smart. So we'll see how it goes. 

[maize]

Take your time with relationships Heart. I know you are lonely, and it would be super nice to find someone who can be a true companion.

Just don't rush anything; you are an amazing person, you owe it to yourself to be picky about who you invest your time and heart in. I'd want to date several people before committing myself to someone; there are a lot of men our there and the ones worth their salt will be OK with you taking your time.

Edited November 30, 2022 by maize

[Faith-manor]

Heart, you are doing so well! I am very impressed. My advice is don't rush into anything, and just casually date and enjoy your freedom. Have fun. You were shackled to a very nasty person for so long. Now is the time to wallow in making all your own decisions, and focusing on yourself and finding joy. Dating can be fun, and I hope you enjoy it.

[heartlikealion]

I forgot to mention I got a small second job that will start soon. Got the contract this week. I will be doing social media for a second place that will bring me in a little bit of extra money each month. That will take some of my financial burden off. 

I joined a group of people for trivia nights. They meet weekly but there’s no obligation to come each time. They eat together then play. 

I started to file my small claims case against my former landlord but was told to wait in order to avoid that date near Thanksgiving. I’ll probably go turn in the paperwork today and see what date they have.  

I’ve essentially been single for 2 years. It’s really hard to meet people where I live. I hung out with other homeschool moms a couple weekends ago (one is a widow and one went through a nasty split the same time as me). They agree it’s hard to meet anyone and they live in the city. 

But I’ll stick to public dates. Not inviting anyone over anytime soon like last time. 

[heartlikealion]

I have a court date for small claims — Tuesday, Dec 13. I have requested the sec deposit plus the additional $200 I might be entitled to based on state law for landlord acting in bad faith. I left a stack of evidence. 

I had a date last night. We are going to hang out today, too (Christmas shopping).

[heartlikealion]

What the AF? 

got a text tonight from xh saying we have moved. Here’s our new address. This new address is 4 hours away near the grandparents. 

I sent follow up questions which of course have not been acknowledged. 🙄

You moved them there? You withdrew them from school? You got a new job? 

I currently get dd one weekday every week. So how can he do that? And our settlement says if we live really far apart we meet halfway. I’ll have to drive halfway every other weekend or just start staying with my dad on my weekends? 

[maize]

Ugh, that sounds horrible.

I doubt there is anything much you can do about it, other than maybe renegotiate visitation, but I am so, so sorry.

[maize]

I guess the other thing you can do is look into moving out there yourself. Is it a bigger city where there might be more opportunities for you?

[Scarlett]

Oh no. How can he do that?  I am so sorry.  
is it written into your degree about where you can each live?

[Rosie_0801]

He is allowed to do anything that is not forbidden by the court orders and can, practically, do anything you can't afford to take him to court about.

 

What a scummy thing to do. 😞

I am SO sorry.

[Wishes]

So sorry. What an terrible thing to do, especially near Christmas.

[heartlikealion]

All he said was I knew why he moved — I cost him his job with my inquiry about faculty housing rules. I don’t buy it.

A) no, I didn’t know any of this! 
B) an email sent months ago before he got married - seems moot. And supposedly he was working a couple weeks ago when I dropped off dd. Is he saying they actually let him go in Dec? Or did his ego get bruised so he left for his own reasons? 

who the heck knows 

I have way more questions than answers but I’ll say this — if the kids are happy there I’ll forgo my weekday visits and have to figure out a way to make weekend trips work. Which at this rate might be staying weekends at my dad’s house. Alternatively I’d drive 2 hours to meet them, 2 hours to my home, then 2 hours to sun night drop off/2 hrs back to my house. Ugh. 

[heartlikealion]

Settlement says if we live very far apart we meet halfway for drop offs hence the 2 hour meetup possibility — and that sucked for thanksgiving. Thanksgiving I didn’t do a swap there but I met my dad and aunt for a meal 2 hours or so from my house then drove back to my house after the meal. Not fun!

I really don’t want to move by my dad because I can’t afford rent in that town and not sure the job market is much better. I’ve lived there before, outside city limits. I had problems securing jobs in my field and had to work retail. I also would absolutely not move in with my dad and aunt. Constant judgement and stress. I can barely handle visits. 

[Soror]

I'm sorry heart. What an asshole thing to do 😞

[Harriet Vane]

I’m so sorry. 😔

[heartlikealion]

This is what the state says about relocating: 

https://www.divorcesource.com/ds/mississippi/child-relocation-in-mississippi-3036.shtml

I wonder if he’ll have to help me with travel expenses at all (there’s a mention of that as a possibility) or give me more holiday/summer time? 

I won’t hold my breath though. I’m worried about the wear and tear on my car ugh 

[Hannah]

He really does take scumminess to the next level - every time.

[pinball]

8 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

What the AF? 

got a text tonight from xh saying we have moved. Here’s our new address. This new address is 4 hours away near the grandparents. 

I sent follow up questions which of course have not been acknowledged. 🙄

You moved them there? You withdrew them from school? You got a new job? 

I currently get dd one weekday every week. So how can he do that? And our settlement says if we live really far apart we meet halfway. I’ll have to drive halfway every other weekend or just start staying with my dad on my weekends? 

I’m so very sorry. That is such a dirtbag move. 
 

you must be crushed.
 

😭

[JustEm]

What a shit thing for him to do. 

[pinball]

@heartlikealion

what is he doing for work/job/money now?

is the girlfriend employed? 
 

Do you have plans for today? I hope you have loved ones to spend time with! 
 

Take care of yourself the best you can. Pamper yourself to the extent you can…favorite activities, food & drink, little things that give you peace and pleasure.

[Scarlett]

7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

All he said was I knew why he moved — I cost him his job with my inquiry about faculty housing rules. I don’t buy it.

A) no, I didn’t know any of this! 
B) an email sent months ago before he got married - seems moot. And supposedly he was working a couple weeks ago when I dropped off dd. Is he saying they actually let him go in Dec? Or did his ego get bruised so he left for his own reasons? 

who the heck knows 

I have way more questions than answers but I’ll say this — if the kids are happy there I’ll forgo my weekday visits and have to figure out a way to make weekend trips work. Which at this rate might be staying weekends at my dad’s house. Alternatively I’d drive 2 hours to meet them, 2 hours to my home, then 2 hours to sun night drop off/2 hrs back to my house. Ugh. 

He got married?

[heartlikealion]

He hasn’t replied again. He probably won’t answer. 

My speculation - he and wife are job hunting there. She might get a job before he does. Small chance he already secured a job. 

Tonight I’ll probably force myself to Mass, even though I’m estranged from the church (personal choice). 

I have messaged some people that have been supportive. 

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He got married?

Yeah I think I mentioned that in this thread. It was in October I believe. By Halloween they were married. 

[fairfarmhand]

Oh.

I’m so sorry. What a jerk move.

[heartlikealion]

On 11/4/2022 at 12:36 AM, heartlikealion said:

They are officially married now. Dd told me the wedding was the other day. And she's been bunking with the new stepmom... stepmom isn't sleeping with xh then? And this is a honeymoon time?? So glad to be out of that toxicness. 

I mentioned the wedding here. 

[heartlikealion]

I bet ds will come here with an attitude on Christmas night and say it’s my fault dad lost his job. Which technically maybe he wasn’t let go and xh uses phrases like “cost me my job” loosely. I’m bracing myself for the laser daggers. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

Yeah I think I mentioned that in this thread. It was in October I believe. By Halloween they were married. 

Oh. I somehow missed that. Then it makes no sense that he lost his job over faculty housing. Please just try to relax this weekend and deal with this nonsense next week. I’m so sorry you were going through this. I would like to punch him in the throat. 

[Spryte]

I’m so sorry, what a jerk thing to do. And the way he  told you, too.

[Storygirl]

I am so, so sorry. Surely he had some advance notice of their plans and chose to blindside you. I'm sure you are furious and heartbroken. Completely lousy, and magnified by his choice to spring the news on you on Christmas weekend. I hope he didn't rope the children into colluding with him, but if he didn't, it means that he sprung it on them, too, which is also terrible. I hope you can find peace at your church service and with God, even though there is not peace in your family this season.

If he lost his job, due to improper use of faculty housing, that is on HIM -- his mistake, not yours. He's just trying to heap coals on your head. Brush that off and know that you are not to blame for his choices. I know you reported it -- but the person who reports an infraction is not the one in the wrong, even when others want to point blame.

So, so sorry.

[heartlikealion]

After Mass they are sharing sweets. I couldn’t bake because my kitchen sink pipes are frozen and I need to wash some dishes. The hot water is frozen in all parts of the house. I’ve been trying to defrost since yesterday but don’t know where the root of the problem is. I did defrost one spigot and am working on another that’s tightly attached to a frozen hose. The damage was done before I got home Sat and btw I had a fender bender Sat but no known damage, car slid in wet road after I stopped and bumped car in front of me at red light. Waiting for the police link to work in about a week and try to see if my rates don’t have to go up (my ins driving app said I did not harsh brake). Ugh what a week lol 

So at this point I think I’ll take my baking supplies to the church hall (I have a key) and bake there then ask to shower at my landlords (they offered). 

[heartlikealion]

Neighbor lent me this. Hoping in an hr or so maybe hot water will return?? 

[maize]

If your ex was fired I'm sure there were multiple issues, and all on him not you. I think you mentioned that he switched his work hours all around to take care of the kids, I wouldn't be surprised if that were a factor. And yeah, if he was breaking housing rules it was him breaking housing rules, not you.

Of course he tries to shift blame away from himself. I don't see that he has ever accepted responsibility for stuff he has messed up.

[happi duck]

If any of the frozen pipes are in cabinets be sure to open the cabinet doors.

When they thaw you can let each faucet drip to keep them from freezing.

[heartlikealion]

3 minutes ago, happi duck said:

If any of the frozen pipes are in cabinets be sure to open the cabinet doors.

When they thaw you can let each faucet drip to keep them from freezing.

Yesterday I went around the house and checked pipes under sinks (the bathroom & kitchen) and even ran a space heater pointed at the kitchen pipes but I think they aren’t frozen there. I think they froze under the house. We got the outdoor laundry room area warm where the heater is and that didn’t resolve it so we’re focusing on under the house. 

Since we started we do have a tiny trickle of hot water in the bathtub but I don’t know if it’ll increase. And so far no hot water trickle in the bathroom sink but the ones that work have been trickling all night. 

Edited December 24, 2022 by heartlikealion

[heartlikealion]

Hot water is back!!! 

[Ausmumof3]

I’m glad the hot water is back! That’s something. I’m sorry ex is being such a jerk.

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry your ex is being even more of a jerk than usual -- and that's saying something, because he's always terrible. 

I'm glad you got your hot water back again, but it was just one more stressful thing, and you really didn't need that!

I hope your Christmas visit with your kids goes well.

[heartlikealion]

Ok so the kids came over last night and were instructed by Dad to say if I have any questions, ask him directly. This first came out of their mouth I believe when I said, “you guys moved?” Then I said, “he already told me. Dd, have you been sleeping at paw paw’s (my ex FIL) or the new house?” She said new house. She complained about stepbro hogging the TV and I said I thought you guys had multiple TVs? She said they couldn’t find one or left it behind. Then I said wait, are you guys still moving out of the old place? She said yeah, Dad and stepmom were heading there to get another load after dropping them at my house and one more load after that one another day. 

So that’s probably why xh didn’t insist I meet him halfway. He had to come this way. 

Dd also volunteered the name of her new school. I actually interviewed there many years ago. Ds said he’s not returning to the private school after holiday (I confirmed with xh the other day that he did not formally withdraw them yet) and talked about his new school. It *is* a good school district so I’m happy about that. And he’ll be at the same school as an older cousin. Sounds like younger cousin will be at same school as kids’ stepbro. They have all met by now. 

Ds has been polite and easy going so far. My sister called and I heard him volunteer to her the house size and said he’s sharing a room with his stepbro. I hope that makes him appreciate his room here a little but if not oh well. 

Dd and ds were thrilled with their gifts we opened last night. I sprung for a laptop for ds and he set it up. Dd wasn’t gifted any Calico Critter stuff by Dad or Santa because she only plays with them at my house (I play with her sometimes but Dad won’t). First thing she said entering the house - I hope you got me some CC because I didn’t get any. She got a couple sets here. 

Ds said he waited to watch the new Young Sheldon episode with me and we did last night. That made me really happy. 

Remember the smash place gift card? He still hasn’t redeemed it. Over the course of months I saved jars and gifted that to him last night to use there. He asked if he could redeem in new town but I said I don’t think it’s a chain there?? and suggested we redeem this week over Christmas break. The loose plan is to go today and he said he could really use it (sounds like a lot of stress and I’m happy if he has an outlet). The gift card was emailed to him so he should be able to retrieve it (he’s notorious for losing physical gift cards). 

I made a bunch of food before they arrived and I have restaurant gifts cards we’ll use this week. I’m feeling optimistic. 

[maize]

I'm so glad that things seems to be going well so far with this visit!