deleted

[Ann.without.an.e]

Please don't quote this...

 

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Slache]

I'm sorry. Been there. It will all be forgotten.

[Guest]

I’m sorry. That must have felt very lousy for both of you. 
 

You know, oftentimes when young people are first realizing they have a right to their own way of doing things, they use it like a hammer at first. KWIM? I certainly did. I would imagine down the road, your SIL will realize he overreacted with many people in this manner. 
 

For your part, I think you might work on letting go of your fears about not having a good relationship with your SIL, because bad relationship issues are always driven by fear. It won’t lead anywhere good. 
 

Hugs to you; I’m sorry. 

[Kassia]

I'm sorry too.  Sounds like you are both good at communicating with each other and this will be in the past.  ❤️  I understand why you'd be worried, though.

 

[sassenach]

I think there are a lot of positives in this story, the main one being that he came back to you and apologized for his reaction (and he was able to recognize that on his own) and that you were able to reconcile in a healthy manner. I think what he was doing, maybe in a reactive way, was setting a boundary- and not a bad boundary to have. I do think it's important that a married couple doesn't have in-laws trying to mediate. So rather than be afraid of having to walk on eggshells, I would just encourage you to see this as a reasonable boundary that you can and should adhere to. And since you seem close, I think you should share your previous trauma in this area with him. He seems like a guy who would understand and appreciate knowing that about you. It might help just to know that you're both sincerely trying while also bringing your own baggage along for the ride.

As a mom of marrieds, it's one that I've learned goes in both directions. My dd was being terribly rude to her dh at a family event and I said something somewhat scolding to her that ended up in a major meltdown. I had to apologize for inserting myself into their marital relations and I learned that I really have to keep my nose out of their interactions. 

It's a hard gear to shift into. (((HUGS)))

[Melissa Louise]

At some point, our trauma being triggered isn't a reason to project onto others. I guess he's not at that point - he's young. He probably needs to stay in therapy, tbh. We all have to learn how to own our projections, not expect others to walk on egg shells for us. 

What I think is a red flag, and sorry to say this, is that dd can't/didn't/won't put her foot down about this herself. If she is overwhelmed to the point of crying, yet feels she has to do all this - why? Why haven't they had the conversation already?

Her wellbeing matters a lot more than some stupid phone plan. Why isn't f-sil focused on that, and not on his mom trauma, which he is projecting on you? Is he even ready to marry? 

I may he entirely off base, so won't be offended if you tell me so, btw. But something isn't right here. 

I want to say - when you've had a very bad experience with one set of people, it can be easy to ignore how low we've reset our bar. Sure, he apologizes, after he's done projecting onto you - that's am improvement. Is it actually good/healthy, though? It's really only a step on the way to health. 

You're worried about the relationship with SIL likely because part of you fears that your access to dd after marriage will be somewhat conditional on keeping SIL sweet. 

I'd pull back. Focus on supporting dd. Encourage her to speak up for her own needs. Dear husband to be, I am tired and stressed and I will deal with the phone plan later. 

[Indigo Blue]

It seems like you both can talk about things. You understand why he was triggered. You both apologized. This is so much the opposite of toxicity. If I ever had a DIL, I’d want to say to her even before the marriage that I wanted us to have a close, healthy relationship, and that I wanted to respect their boundaries. Also, I’d try to convey that I’d want her to feel like she could express those boundaries in a calm conversation. In your shoes, I’d be a bit hurt that he had acted as if I did it all the time, just like you, but at the same time Id try to understand that he was triggered. So I think you’ve handled this excellently, but I get that it stung a little. I’m impressed by the maturity in both of you, but it’s totally understandable that you’d need to vent. It’s ok, and things will hopefully be just fine.

[prairiewindmomma]

13 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

At some point, our trauma being triggered isn't a reason to project onto others. I guess he's not at that point - he's young. He probably needs to stay in therapy, tbh. We all have to learn how to own our projections, not expect others to walk on egg shells for us. 

What I think is a red flag, and sorry to say this, is that dd can't/didn't/won't put her foot down about this herself. If she is overwhelmed to the point of crying, yet feels she has to do all this - why? Why haven't they had the conversation already?

Her wellbeing matters a lot more than some stupid phone plan. Why isn't f-sil focused on that, and not on his mom trauma, which he is projecting on you? Is he even ready to marry? 

I may he entirely off base, so won't be offended if you tell me so, btw. But something isn't right here. 

I want to say - when you've had a very bad experience with one set of people, it can be easy to ignore how low we've reset our bar. Sure, he apologizes, after he's done projecting onto you - that's am improvement. Is it actually good/healthy, though? It's really only a step on the way to health. 

You're worried about the relationship with SIL likely because part of you fears that your access to dd after marriage will be somewhat conditional on keeping SIL sweet. 

I'd pull back. Focus on supporting dd. Encourage her to speak up for her own needs. Dear husband to be, I am tired and stressed and I will deal with the phone plan later. 

Honestly, warning bells for me too.  I agree with the emphasis on supporting dd and encouraging her to stand up for herself and her own needs, and getting her access to therapy for herself as it sounds like her future dh may not yet be healthy enough to manage things well.  I'd have concerns about isolation on my radar screen.

[footballmom]

Agreeing that though this interaction had a low point / bad feelings, it was communicated through and reconciled.

Perhaps F-SIL is driving the to do train list right now because things feel a little out of control and he can control tasks, if that makes sense.  This is an opportunity for your DD to communicate her needs (I understand these three tasks are important to you, I’m feeling x right now, what can you take on that is on the list, etc). Brene Brown recently talked on a podcast about how her communication with her DH really improved over the pandemic in situations like this - she would say “hey, my pie in the sky goal is to get x,y,z done because of a,b,c” and it opened a dialogue between the two of them. 

[BusyMom5]

25 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

At some point, our trauma being triggered isn't a reason to project onto others. I guess he's not at that point - he's young. He probably needs to stay in therapy, tbh. We all have to learn how to own our projections, not expect others to walk on egg shells for us. 

What I think is a red flag, and sorry to say this, is that dd can't/didn't/won't put her foot down about this herself. If she is overwhelmed to the point of crying, yet feels she has to do all this - why? Why haven't they had the conversation already?

Her wellbeing matters a lot more than some stupid phone plan. Why isn't f-sil focused on that, and not on his mom trauma, which he is projecting on you? Is he even ready to marry? 

I may he entirely off base, so won't be offended if you tell me so, btw. But something isn't right here. 

I want to say - when you've had a very bad experience with one set of people, it can be easy to ignore how low we've reset our bar. Sure, he apologizes, after he's done projecting onto you - that's am improvement. Is it actually good/healthy, though? It's really only a step on the way to health. 

You're worried about the relationship with SIL likely because part of you fears that your access to dd after marriage will be somewhat conditional on keeping SIL sweet. 

I'd pull back. Focus on supporting dd. Encourage her to speak up for her own needs. Dear husband to be, I am tired and stressed and I will deal with the phone plan later. 

This is exactly my thoughts.   I don't think they are ready to be married.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 hour ago, sassenach said:

I think there are a lot of positives in this story, the main one being that he came back to you and apologized for his reaction (and he was able to recognize that on his own) and that you were able to reconcile in a healthy manner. I think what he was doing, maybe in a reactive way, was setting a boundary- and not a bad boundary to have. I do think it's important that a married couple doesn't have in-laws trying to mediate. So rather than be afraid of having to walk on eggshells, I would just encourage you to see this as a reasonable boundary that you can and should adhere to. And since you seem close, I think you should share your previous trauma in this area with him. He seems like a guy who would understand and appreciate knowing that about you. It might help just to know that you're both sincerely trying while also bringing your own baggage along for the ride.

As a mom of marrieds, it's one that I've learned goes in both directions. My dd was being terribly rude to her dh at a family event and I said something somewhat scolding to her that ended up in a major meltdown. I had to apologize for inserting myself into their marital relations and I learned that I really have to keep my nose out of their interactions. 

It's a hard gear to shift into. (((HUGS)))

 

Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable about your own struggle in this area. It is definitely difficult and a learned skill. 

 

 

17 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

This is exactly my thoughts.   I don't think they are ready to be married.  

43 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

 

What I think is a red flag, and sorry to say this, is that dd can't/didn't/won't put her foot down about this herself. If she is overwhelmed to the point of crying, yet feels she has to do all this - why? Why haven't they had the conversation already?

Her wellbeing matters a lot more than some stupid phone plan. Why isn't f-sil focused on that, and not on his mom trauma, which he is projecting on you? Is he even ready to marry? 

I may he entirely off base, so won't be offended if you tell me so, btw. But something isn't right here. 

I want to say - when you've had a very bad experience with one set of people, it can be easy to ignore how low we've reset our bar. Sure, he apologizes, after he's done projecting onto you - that's am improvement. Is it actually good/healthy, though? It's really only a step on the way to health. 

You're worried about the relationship with SIL likely because part of you fears that your access to dd after marriage will be somewhat conditional on keeping SIL sweet. 

I'd pull back. Focus on supporting dd. Encourage her to speak up for her own needs. Dear husband to be, I am tired and stressed and I will deal with the phone plan later. 

 

26 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Honestly, warning bells for me too.  I agree with the emphasis on supporting dd and encouraging her to stand up for herself and her own needs, and getting her access to therapy for herself as it sounds like her future dh may not yet be healthy enough to manage things well.  I'd have concerns about isolation on my radar screen.

 

They communicate very well. She talked to him about being overwhelmed. His response was that he would feel more relaxed on their honeymoon if he could get these things done ahead of time and he would do the majority of the work, it would only take a few minutes on her end. He is a planner and to-do list checker. A little OCD tbh . They talk very openly about it and do about everything. 

I do have low key concerns at times but no evidence to talk to dd. He seems great. They communicate well. He is very emotionally available and handles her anxiety very well. Yet, I do have concerns that I can't place. If I can't even place them then I definitely can't voice them. They are so solid as a couple, I think it would only go bad for me if I did anyway. And I mean, he admits to trauma and is seeing a therapist. And it could be my own anxiety about my girls ending up in a bad relationship. Who knows lol. 

26 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Honestly, warning bells for me too.  I agree with the emphasis on supporting dd and encouraging her to stand up for herself and her own needs, and getting her access to therapy for herself as it sounds like her future dh may not yet be healthy enough to manage things well.  I'd have concerns about isolation on my radar screen.

What do you mean by isolation and what sort of concerns? I'm honestly curious as I don't quite understand. 

Edited May 9, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[JustEm]

We don't know that fsil didn't take what OP said into consideration. He could easily address the overstressed issue privately with his soon to be wife at the same time as setting clear boundaries with is soon to be mil.

[Melissa Louise]

Just now, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable about your own struggle in this area. It is definitely difficult and a learned skill. 

 

 

 

 

They communicate very well. She talked to him about being overwhelmed. His response was that he would feel more relaxed on their honeymoon if he could get these things done ahead of time and he would do the majority of the work, it would only take a few minutes on her end. He is a planner and to-do list checker. A little OCD tbh . They talk very openly about it and do about everything. 

I do have low key concerns at times but no evidence to talk to dd. He seems great. They communicate well. He is very emotionally available and handles her anxiety very well. Yet, I do have concerns that I can't place. If I can't even place them then I definitely can't voice them. They are so solid as a couple, I think it would only go bad for me if I did anyway. And I mean, he admits to trauma and is seeing a therapist. 

What do you mean by isolation and what sort of concerns? I'm honestly curious as I don't quite understand. 

He dismissed her feelings of overwhelm because he would feel more relaxed on honeymoon? That's very inflexible. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

8 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

He dismissed her feelings of overwhelm because he would feel more relaxed on honeymoon? That's very inflexible. 

He didn't really dismiss them, per se, he expressed to her that he would feel more relaxed on the honeymoon if these things were done ahead of time, he said he would do the majority of the work, and it would take very little effort on her part. She decided that if it was that important to him then she would let it go. They are pretty good at compromising. There was a lot more to the convo than I know, of course but this is the core of it. These things aren't her major stressor, just a minor thing she listed off on a long list of bigger things. 

Edited May 9, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[JumpyTheFrog]

My first thought when I read this was, "Why is this guy wanting to merge their banks accounts, etc. when they aren't married yet?" I didn't change any of that stuff until after we were married, especially since I changed my name. I wouldn't let DH know any of my passwords until after the wedding.

[Melissa Louise]

5 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

He didn't really dismiss them, per se, he expressed to her that he would feel more relaxed on the honeymoon if these things were done ahead of time, he said he would do the majority of the work, and it would take very little effort on her part. She decided that if it was that important to him then she would let it go. They are pretty good at compromising. There was a lot more to the convo than I know, of course but this is the core of it. These things aren't her major stressor, just a minor thing she listed off on a long list of bigger things. 

It really misses the point, though. Dd expressed overwhelm; the answer is 'let unimportant things go'. The phone etc is unimportant. If I was this guy's therapist, I'd want to explore why it's so important to him to 'transfer' dd from you to him, such that he can't relax on honeymoon without it being done down to the least item. 

Anyway. Good luck to them. Life is a learning process, that's for sure. 

 

 

 

[Melissa Louise]

Also, you were perfectly polite. I had an overbearing, boundary stomping MIL and she would never have expressed herself as carefully as you did. Don't second guess yourself; you were fine. 

[Rosie_0801]

Given time, he's going to shift his mother trigger issues onto his wife, probably when she gets pregnant.

He needs a whole lot more therapy before that happens.

[BusyMom5]

So your DD compromised- he got exactly what he wanted.  His needs were put above hers.  I know in marriage there is give and take, and we can't know everything going on.  A real compromise would be him taking over some of the wedding stuff or another task while she changes the phone over.  We didn't get a joint banking account until we were married and our license back.  Neither of these things are a priority,  but they do seem possessive.  I hope I am wrong, and he's immature and working through his own issues and will come out on the other side a great spouse.  

Hes driving a wedge between himself and you.  You walk on eggshells around him, and I think your DD does,  too.  He is using his trauma to manipulate.   Nothing you can really do about it, but I do think that's what he is doing.  I don't think he's ready to be married.

[mom31257]

It comes off like his comfort level matters more than hers. If he can't be relaxed on their honeymoon because of details like that, then I would be concerned. It seems a bit like he has the potential to overstep and try to control like his mom did. 

Obviously, you know them better than any of us. They might be perfect for each other, and we all had things we had to mature in and grow into in our own marriages. Seeing a therapist will be a good way to hopefully head off a lot of trouble. 

[Melissa Louise]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Given time, he's going to shift his mother trigger issues onto his wife, probably when she gets pregnant.

He needs a whole lot more therapy before that happens.

This. 

[catz]

I actually think it is healthy that he is laying out this boundary.  I think even someone without trauma might feel a bit on edge if they were having some tiff with their finance/spouse and all of suddent they are getting unsolicted opinions and advice from someone he didn't share with.  I know your intentions are 100% good OP, but I can see how that might come off as feeling attacked.  

That said from what you've shared about this situation, it does sound a bit sticky and tenous and they both have their things to work through and growing up to do.  I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for them.  I think remaining a sounding board for your daughter and encourging and empower her to communicate her needs and stresses clearly is important.  I think it is encouraging he is pursuing therapy.  

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 hours ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

My first thought when I read this was, "Why is this guy wanting to merge their banks accounts, etc. when they aren't married yet?" I didn't change any of that stuff until after we were married, especially since I changed my name. I wouldn't let DH know any of my passwords until after the wedding.

 

4 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

It really misses the point, though. Dd expressed overwhelm; the answer is 'let unimportant things go'. The phone etc is unimportant. If I was this guy's therapist, I'd want to explore why it's so important to him to 'transfer' dd from you to him, such that he can't relax on honeymoon without it being done down to the least item. 

Anyway. Good luck to them. Life is a learning process, that's for sure. 

 

 

 

yes, I hope they can explore this with him. 
He can be very compromising and flexible sometimes and also a little ocd/inflexible at others. It concerns me some. He is a great communicator and has some real strengths though. 

4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Given time, he's going to shift his mother trigger issues onto his wife, probably when she gets pregnant.

He needs a whole lot more therapy before that happens.

I think you’ve pretty much voiced what my main fear is but I can’t express. We can’t go to someone and play on the “what ifs”. He may shift those triggers to dd. He may not. I fear he will. My hope is that he’s getting therapy and dd is pretty vocal and open with him. She isn’t easily walked all over. 

 

4 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

So your DD compromised- he got exactly what he wanted.  His needs were put above hers.  I know in marriage there is give and take, and we can't know everything going on.  A real compromise would be him taking over some of the wedding stuff or another task while she changes the phone over.  We didn't get a joint banking account until we were married and our license back.  Neither of these things are a priority,  but they do seem possessive.  I hope I am wrong, and he's immature and working through his own issues and will come out on the other side a great spouse.  

Hes driving a wedge between himself and you.  You walk on eggshells around him, and I think your DD does,  too.  He is using his trauma to manipulate.   Nothing you can really do about it, but I do think that's what he is doing.  I don't think he's ready to be married.

 

4 hours ago, mom31257 said:

It comes off like his comfort level matters more than hers. If he can't be relaxed on their honeymoon because of details like that, then I would be concerned. It seems a bit like he has the potential to overstep and try to control like his mom did. 

Obviously, you know them better than any of us. They might be perfect for each other, and we all had things we had to mature in and grow into in our own marriages. Seeing a therapist will be a good way to hopefully head off a lot of trouble. 

Most of y’all have voiced some of the low key fears I have had. On one hand he’s great, he’s a very organized and personable young man. He doesn’t seem to have any desire to control dd. In fact, less than any guy she’s ever dated. For instance, he doesn’t battle jealousy, he’s not possessive, he respects dd and supports her business and future plans. He doesn’t push his way on her. He lets her have a lot of say in all of their decisions. And that’s big for dd because she’s very independent and opinionated 😜 He can get hard headed about some things but I guess we all can? 

Edited May 10, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[prairiewindmomma]

You asked about isolation.

Generally, if someone feels they need to walk around on eggshells around someone, they are already second-guessing and self-editing to avoid upsetting/disappointing the other. They have already internalized negative messaging that the other has given them. 

I read the above situation as him resolving his discomfort at the cost of dd's, which is a form of emotional manipulation. 

Both of those things are warning signs for emotional abuse.

Typically the next phase is going to be avoiding interactions with her family and friends, inventing reasons why they both shouldn't interact together with her friends and family, demanding lots of 1:1 time.  He's (I am using the pronoun he because that's just the more typical scenario) putting distance into those relationship so that she will start to hear outside feedback and messaging less and more of the messaging he is giving her. The messaging will start to turn negative and she will develop an increasingly negative view of herself and her capabilities.  The clincher is if he can get her to quit her job (become financially dependent on him) and get pregnant (complicating things immensely). 

I warned against her becoming isolated and encouraged giving her access to her own therapy because there is a potential that's where this is headed.  Hopefully not, but if she's already anxious odds are she's already got enough negative messaging going on internally that she's more vulnerable than other to being emotionally abused. 

[JustEm]

You guys are all making huge assumptions. You have no idea what level of compromise has taken place in regards to the wedding or any other aspect of their relationship. If switching things over is important to him that is a valid feeling. If they compromised that he'd handle the majority of it then why is that an problem. Maybe the soon to be wife is handling more of the wedding planning because of how important that is to her and they've compromised on that aspect too.

None of that is relevant to the current issue at hand though because OP doesn't want to be the type of mil who is getting in the middle of their relationship. 

[JustEm]

19 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Given time, he's going to shift his mother trigger issues onto his wife, probably when she gets pregnant.

He needs a whole lot more therapy before that happens.

Although, I do think this is very likely and in OP's dd's situation I wouldn't be getting married to someone who is still struggling with mother trigger issues until it is properly in the past. Unfortunately, OP is in a difficult position if she feels that way but doesn't feel she can voice it to dd.

[katilac]

50 minutes ago, JumpyTheFrog said:

My first thought when I read this was, "Why is this guy wanting to merge their banks accounts, etc. when they aren't married yet?" I didn't change any of that stuff until after we were married, especially since I changed my name. I wouldn't let DH know any of my passwords until after the wedding.

Whereas I changed them all before, because I'd already made the decision to marry him. I wouldn't have gotten engaged if I didn't trust him. 

I see the point about changing your name being a hindrance on a practical level, but if I can't give you my password, I'm sure not marrying you!

44 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Also, you were perfectly polite. I had an overbearing, boundary stomping MIL and she would never have expressed herself as carefully as you did. Don't second guess yourself; you were fine. 

I would somewhat argue that it wasn't fine, because this should be between the two of them. I don't have any trauma related to overbearing people, but I would have 100% texted back with a more polite variation of your son and I are grown-ass people and we will handle our own business. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

 

6 minutes ago, katilac said:

Whereas I changed them all before, because I'd already made the decision to marry him. I wouldn't have gotten engaged if I didn't trust him. 

 

 

This is so true to an extent. They already have each other’s passwords to everything. He’s been sharing his ynab budget with her for a long time and they’ve been making most financial decisions together for a while too. He bought a home and they’ve been remodeling it. She took from her savings to buy new cabinets since he hadn’t originally budgeted new cabinets and then they decided together that they wanted to change that too. 

Edited May 9, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Storygirl]

I think that he may sometimes react to you, because of his history with his mother, and, obviously, this is not great. There are issues to be worked out. However, in my opinion, you did overstep. As MIL, it's not appropriate for you to speak up to your daughter's fiance about something in their relationship. I realize you think you had some say, because it affects some of your accounts. But, really, if she is stressed by his demands, it is between him and her. You can offer her support and even advice, if she asks for it. But you shouldn't step between them and advocate for her.

My comments are based on the concept of "leaving and cleaving" in a typical marriage. Of course, if there is any kind of abuse, things would be different.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Y’all are playing on every mothers worst fear lol. Is it possible that almost anyone can be this way if given the circumstances? It’s what he does with his trauma that matters? He never, ever seems to shut down on dd. They have one of the healthiest lines of communication I’ve ever seen. He’s either the best communicator I’ve ever met or he really is a master manipulator and playing us all. I’m going to have to opt for the first and pray that it’s not the second since they get married in less than a month. My anxiety ridden speculations wouldn’t go over well. 
 

I have talked to dd and asked a lot of general questions like “do you feel like you can confront him without him being defensive because that’s important in a relationship, etc”

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I think that he may sometimes react to you, because of his history with his mother, and, obviously, this is not great. There are issues to be worked out. However, in my opinion, you did overstep. As MIL, it's not appropriate for you to speak up to your daughter's fiance about something in their relationship. I realize you think you had some say, because it affects some of your accounts. But, really, if she is stressed by his demands, it is between him and her. You can offer her support and even advice, if she asks for it. But you shouldn't step between them and advocate for her.

My comments are based on the concept of "leaving and cleaving" in a typical marriage. Of course, if there is any kind of abuse, things would be different.

I agree. The topic of my post is that I overstepped lol, I’ve never denied that I did. 

[Storygirl]

Just now, Ann.without.an.e said:

I agree. The topic of my post is that I overstepped lol, I’ve never denied that I did. 

Then it was okay for him to call you out, respectfully, right? I think that it would be worse if he kept things to himself and let them fester.

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, Storygirl said:

Then it was okay for him to call you out, respectfully, right? I think that it would be worse if he kept things to himself and let them fester.

I agree, but the OP realizes this and just came here to vent because her feelings were just a bit bruised. 

[Storygirl]

Yes, I know. I'm just offering an alternate perspective from what others have presented. Other posts have generated some anxiety for her that SIL is going to be controlling or abusive. I'm suggesting that his response was possibly normal and healthy.

Edited May 9, 2022 by Storygirl

[Ann.without.an.e]

3 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

Yes, I know. I'm just offering an alternate perspective from what others have presented.

I don’t know that anyone is saying he shouldn’t have called me out. I think some are just seeing other areas of potential concern based on their experiences and pointing them out. Everyone reads through a lens of their own experiences. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

11 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

Then it was okay for him to call you out, respectfully, right? I think that it would be worse if he kept things to himself and let them fester.

 

8 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I agree, but the OP realizes this and just came here to vent because her feelings were just a bit bruised. 

I was basically going to point out what indigo did. I never said he was wrong to call me out. I do think he can overreact because of his issues with his own mom. It is hard to be talked to as if you are a boundary ignorer just because his own mom is. I was just venting and stated that clearly. It was a little hurtful that it was treated like a pattern when it’s not and it triggered some of my own fears. But I never said he was out of line and no one else did either. 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

12 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

Yes, I know. I'm just offering an alternate perspective from what others have presented. Other posts have generated some anxiety for her that SIL is going to be controlling or abusive. I'm suggesting that his response was possibly normal and healthy.

Now that you edited, i see your point more clearly. You’re right, he wasn’t in the wrong and yes, this thread is giving me anxiety lol 

[Jaybee]

You've had lots of responses, so I'm just going to make a statement. Three of my kids are married, but they all live far away. There is always a bit of "stickiness" for a time as we learn how to understand each other and adjust to the new situations when they marry. I was particularly close to two of my kids, and have had to be very mindful of ways to talk to my kids and my kids-in-law that does not triangulate or impose my interpretations on their interactions. It's definitely an adjustment. Sometimes I feel a little sad, because those relationships were/are so important to me, and it is only right that the loyalty shifts to the married partner--and I miss that closeness! But so many things really are not my business any more. Hang in there, mama. I think you are doing fine. And it is never fun having to always be "careful."

[Melissa Louise]

I think a mature, non flaggy response would be 'Thanks for the offer MIL, but we've got it and can handle it from here'.*

Not a few paragraphs rejecting OP's 'meddling'. 

One states the boundary lovingly, without projecting on to the OP. One doesn't. 

IMO. 

*Except they clearly don't. F- SIL kind of set this dynamic up by being inflexible about 'getting things done before the honeymoon', so he can relax. Idk. Reenactment is a thing, y'all. 

[Indigo Blue]

I think it’s good to see things from different angles and to point out glaringly obvious red flags, but we should be careful about “forecasting” what’s going to happen. I’m generally speaking and not directing this at any one person. This can unnecessarily create anxiety. I speak from experience because someone in my life does this to me and that’s what happens. 

[catz]

1 minute ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

, this thread is giving me anxiety lol 

I would be too.  I think everyone reads into situation with the filter of their own experiences.  My husband and I moved in together and changed all this kind of thing before the wedding.  We had 2 houses and had to sell one and that is how it logistically worked out.   It wouldn't have occured to me not to trust him after we got engaged at all.  My husband is the very organized, likes all his organizational ducks in a row type.  We've had compromises many many times over the years on this but we have been happily married 22+ years.  

I have a 21 year old and I think as we walk alongside our young adults and as they pull away and they have serious relationships, you have to trust them and just be there.  Even if you have the BEST relationship with a MIL, getting unsolicited advice could still sting.  There are growing pains for everyone as we learn when to step back.  Especially if you had parents or inlaws regularly crossing what I would consider normal healthy adult boundraies as a norm.  I am sure your instincts are better than anyone's here to really look at this situation.  ❤️  

[prairiewindmomma]

I agree his response could have been normal. Learning to assert boundaries is a hard thing, and sometimes they do get slammed down clunkily. 

I only mentioned the warning bells because in the range of possibilities, it's possible to look at those same actions through another lens.

[sassenach]

Not to dismiss anyone's warning bells, but we all bring our own baggage to the reading of these threads. OP, I would caution you not to take on everyone's reactions. I feel like you may walk away from this thread in a worse state of mind than you started in, with prophecies of doom that this couple hasn't earned.

The truth is that most of us don't start our marriages as fully-healed, fully-mature, fully-realized adults. We do that over time, with ups and downs, setting boundaries (or not), sometimes over-reacting, other times under-reacting. This is all part of the messiness of relationships. Our kids get their own journey.

Quite frankly, he's allowed to react poorly and apologize to a boundary laid and crossed. That's not wrong of him, imo. Also, many happy and healthy couples merge accounts before the wedding. That's not abnormal. This all sounds like the normal navigation of the marital transition. It's an intense time, fraught with emotions. Nobody is required to be perfect before the wedding day. I know there's a whole lot of relationships gone bad on this board, and maybe I'll be dismissed as naive, but I've got plenty of experience with the messed up side of relationships and this isn't reading that way to me. Take that for what it's worth.

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 hour ago, sassenach said:

Not to dismiss anyone's warning bells, but we all bring our own baggage to the reading of these threads. OP, I would caution you not to take on everyone's reactions. I feel like you may walk away from this thread in a worse state of mind than you started in, with prophecies of doom that this couple hasn't earned.

The truth is that most of us don't start our marriages as fully-healed, fully-mature, fully-realized adults. We do that over time, with ups and downs, setting boundaries (or not), sometimes over-reacting, other times under-reacting. This is all part of the messiness of relationships. Our kids get their own journey.

Quite frankly, he's allowed to react poorly and apologize to a boundary laid and crossed. That's not wrong of him, imo. Also, many happy and healthy couples merge accounts before the wedding. That's not abnormal. This all sounds like the normal navigation of the marital transition. It's an intense time, fraught with emotions. Nobody is required to be perfect before the wedding day. I know there's a whole lot of relationships gone bad on this board, and maybe I'll be dismissed as naive, but I've got plenty of experience with the messed up side of relationships and this isn't reading that way to me. Take that for what it's worth.

 

 

Well said and also a lot of what I was already thinking and feeling ❤️ 

We all have baggage and lenses that we view things through. Whether we want to admit it or not, if outsiders were picking apart our struggles, traumas, or worst moments, we would ALL have red flags. If everyone was required to be fully healed or perfect to get married then no one would be married.

I love the kid. I do have some anxieties at times, but I think its just that...anxieties of all the what if's and I would have them with any young man. Overall, I'm impressed with his ability to communicate and lead and be there for my dd.

Edited May 10, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[TechWife]

NM - @sassenachsaid it better than I ever could.

Edited May 10, 2022 by TechWife

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 hours ago, Jaybee said:

You've had lots of responses, so I'm just going to make a statement. Three of my kids are married, but they all live far away. There is always a bit of "stickiness" for a time as we learn how to understand each other and adjust to the new situations when they marry. I was particularly close to two of my kids, and have had to be very mindful of ways to talk to my kids and my kids-in-law that does not triangulate or impose my interpretations on their interactions. It's definitely an adjustment. Sometimes I feel a little sad, because those relationships were/are so important to me, and it is only right that the loyalty shifts to the married partner--and I miss that closeness! But so many things really are not my business any more. Hang in there, mama. I think you are doing fine. And it is never fun having to always be "careful."

 

I really appreciate this response, particularly the part I bolded/underlined. Thank you for being honest and real about it. I think it is difficult to learn to navigate these things and there has to be some grace for stumbling at first. I also think it's easier with the kids who weren't so dependent on us before the relationship. DD used to have pretty bad anxiety and really leaned on me. It's such an adjustment for her to not need me so much anymore. She doesn't struggle so much with anxiety anymore, he grounds her a lot tbh, and he is definitely the one she leans on more when she does battle it. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

22 minutes ago, TechWife said:

NM - @sassenachsaid it better than I ever could.

 

Right but you hit on a good point that I have been pondering this whole time and I apologize because it will hit a nerve with some. 

There are a few here who think that he should just drop all ideas of changing things early since dd is overwhelmed. Why? Why does the compromise have to mean f-sil puts aside what makes him more relaxed and comfortable? Just because he has this request and it is important to him, doesn't necessarily mean he always gets his way or doesn't know how to compromise. It is ok for dd to bend. Because he had a childhood with little control, he does tend to like to have his ducks in a row and it's possible that he truly may be thinking of those things as a to-do list that gnaws on him during the honeymoon. In that case, it is to dd's best interest that he completes them now. And he really was offering to do it all except for like ten minutes of things that he needs her for. I've seem him bend for her a lot too, no fear or worries there. Also, he communicated his needs in a loving way, isn't that healthy?

Edited May 10, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e