Is this weird?

[DawnM]

UGH.  My son's friend's parents have gone through a rather bitter divorce.  I have reached out a lot to help this kid and talked to both parents at length, mostly just listening.  The dad has stopped contacting me because he didn't like some of the stuff I had to say to him 🙄  I still see him fairly regularly as we attend the same church (that is a whole 'nother story), but we aren't friends.

But the mom now thinks we are BFFs.  She and I have actually never met in person.  But she calls and now asks me to do things.  I have said no each time and given a reason, but it is getting tiresome.  She just texted me and asked if anyone is home at my house to come and help her transport some landscaping stuff and help unload.  UM NO!  We aren't even friends, much less favor asking friends.  We are in the middle of a huge move and don't have time for such stuff......never mind I am currently all the way across the country.

This is just WEIRD to me.  I would never think to ask someone I barely knew to do a huge favor for me.

[Catwoman]

I vote WEIRD!

She sounds very nervy!

[JustEm]

She is in a very vulnerable place right now and you reached out to her and listened.  So, I don't find it odd at all that she has read more into the relationship than you have.

 

Edited:grammar fix

Edited June 18, 2019 by hjffkj

[maize]

Some people are like that.

[forty-two]

1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

She is in a very vulnerable place right now and you reached out to her and listened.  So, I don't find it odd at all that she has read more into the relationship than you have.

This.  

[gardenmom5]

you listened, she probably read more into it.  she doesn't have a husband around anymore to do these things.

I also know a woman who has a lot of nerve in what she "tells" people to do.  (she doesn't ask, she "tells".  to the point I think she's a narcissist).  - if this is standard for her, might be a contributing reason to why they're divorced.

[Random]

3 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

She is in a very vulnerable place right now and you reached out to her and listened.  So, I don't find it odd at all that she has read more into the relationship than you have.

 

I'm thinking this.  And I'm thinking she WANTS to be BFFs so she's doing what she knows how to do, to make that a reality. 

Best wishes to you and her.  I'm always so sad when I read about a bitter divorce with kids involved. 

[Catwoman]

21 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

She is in a very vulnerable place right now and you reached out to her and listened.  So, I don't find it odd at all that she has read more into the relationship than you have.

 

Edited:grammar fix

 

I would agree with you if Dawn had frequently been meeting the woman in person to talk, but Dawn has never even met the woman in person and they wouldn’t even recognize each other if they were in the same place, so it strikes me as odd that the woman would think it was even remotely acceptable to start asking for favors, particularly one this big. 

Also, the woman knows that Dawn is in the middle of moving, so to ask her for such a big favor is even more unacceptable and nervy.

I’m not viewing the woman as being vulnerable as much as I’m getting the impression that she is trying to take advantage of Dawn.

[catz]

Well I find it odd actually to listen to both parents at length when she had never met them in person as well.  So her response in hoping she was willing to be more of a friend doesn't seem that weird to me.  🤷‍♀️

I'd just keep laying out the boundaries and she'll take the hint.  She has a teen or young adult right?  She could ask the kid to assemble a few friends and offer them pizza and a social gathering as payment.

[happi duck]

I don't think it's weird.

I try to think if someone here posted in a panic while going through a difficult divorce.  "I have no one to help me!  All my friends abandoned me!"  There's a good chance that the advice might be "isn't there anyone you can think of?" and in response to "there's one person who's reached out but I don't even know her irl".  The hive might say "go ahead and ask, she'll probably say no but she might surprise you!"

Just keep saying no with no excuses.  Giving a reason implies you'd help otherwise.

Edited June 18, 2019 by happi duck

[Katy]

I don't think it's weird.  She's trying to become your friend, and if she's from a small town asking favors before becoming close is common.  Even if you'd had nothing to do with her, you go to her church and you've been very supportive of her child, to the detriment of your relationship with her ex.  So you've demonstrated yourself to be someone she can trust on multiple levels. Hopefully she's just vulnerable and looking for friends that don't have a connection to the ex.  It's possible she's a spiritual vampire/covert narcissist, but I doubt it.  Just try to be as politely blunt as possible about how you are over committed until at least October and hopefully she'll find someone else to glom on to if you aren't interested in being friends.  Your kids will remain friends so it's important to not completely alienate her.

[Catwoman]

One thing I’m wondering — Dawn hasn’t mentioned whether or not the woman treats her as a friend, or simply as someone she thinks will listen to her ramble about her personal problems and as someone she can try get to do favors for her. Does she ask how Dawn is doing? If Dawn says she had a rotten day or is having a problem, does she ask for details and lend a sympathetic ear? Does she offer to give Dawn  hand when Dawn needs help with something? Or does she call Dawn and complain for hours about her horrible ex, and then ask for favors, without showing any real concern about Dawn?  I guess I’m wondering if she really wants to be friends with Dawn or if she just wants someone to listen to her complaints and do stuff for her. 

Dawn specifically said in her OP that she and the woman “aren’t even friends,” so I’m not getting the impression that the woman may not be making any real effort to be a friend to Dawn. I hope Dawn posts again to clarify, because I don’t want to misjudge the woman. But my initial impression is that the woman may just be using Dawn.

[JustEm]

15 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

One thing I’m wondering — Dawn hasn’t mentioned whether or not the woman treats her as a friend, or simply as someone she thinks will listen to her ramble about her personal problems and as someone she can try get to do favors for her. Does she ask how Dawn is doing? If Dawn says she had a rotten day or is having a problem, does she ask for details and lend a sympathetic ear? Does she offer to give Dawn  hand when Dawn needs help with something? Or does she call Dawn and complain for hours about her horrible ex, and then ask for favors, without showing any real concern about Dawn?  I guess I’m wondering if she really wants to be friends with Dawn or if she just wants someone to listen to her complaints and do stuff for her. 

Dawn specifically said in her OP that she and the woman “aren’t even friends,” so I’m not getting the impression that the woman may not be making any real effort to be a friend to Dawn. I hope Dawn posts again to clarify, because I don’t want to misjudge the woman. But my initial impression is that the woman may just be using Dawn.

I reread the original post after reading this post and realized that when Dawn said 'But she calls and now asks me to do things' I interpreted it as asks her to hang out.  But I can see where it just as likely meant doing favors.  So, my response was with the idea that the woman was trying to meet her and start a friendship.  But I think I'd feel differently if she was asking for her to do favors all along.  I still wouldn't find it weird in the context of the relationship because for me, if I feel comfortable enough to discuss a major issue like my divorce with someone and they seemed to want to listen than I'd also feel comfortable asking them for a favor here or there. So not really weird but I can see it as more of a user situation than I originally thought

 

[Catwoman]

49 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

I reread the original post after reading this post and realized that when Dawn said 'But she calls and now asks me to do things' I interpreted it as asks her to hang out.  But I can see where it just as likely meant doing favors.  So, my response was with the idea that the woman was trying to meet her and start a friendship.  But I think I'd feel differently if she was asking for her to do favors all along.  I still wouldn't find it weird in the context of the relationship because for me, if I feel comfortable enough to discuss a major issue like my divorce with someone and they seemed to want to listen than I'd also feel comfortable asking them for a favor here or there. So not really weird but I can see it as more of a user situation than I originally thought

 

 

I see what you mean! I was definitely reading the OP differently than you were, but you could very well be right! 🙂 

Hopefully, Dawn will let us know what she meant. 

[Shoeless]

Yeah, I'm reading this as "vulnerable mom who is trying to make a friend" vs "nervy freeloader".  If someone reached out to me and patiently listened to my childrearing and divorce woes, I'd be very surprised and confused to find out they felt annoyed I was calling them to do stuff, (assuming that "do stuff" means "Hey, are you free for the movies/coffee/drinks/dinner this weekend?" and not "Hey, can you help me move this weekend? I have nothing packed and need your truck, as well").   That would be a mixed signal for me. 

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Yeah, I'm reading this as "vulnerable mom who is trying to make a friend" vs "nervy freeloader".  If someone reached out to me and patiently listened to my childrearing and divorce woes, I'd be very surprised and confused to find out they felt annoyed I was calling them to do stuff, (assuming that "do stuff" means "Hey, are you free for the movies/coffee/drinks/dinner this weekend?" and not "Hey, can you help me move this weekend? I have nothing packed and need your truck, as well").   That would be a mixed signal for me. 

 

I was thinking that if Dawn was kind enough to lend a sympathetic ear to the woman, she would also have been fine with meeting her for coffee, so that was why I interpreted “do stuff” as being more along the lines of “pick up my dry cleaning” or “move my sofa.”  It didn’t seem like Dawn would have been annoyed with meeting the woman in person if she was already chatting with her on the phone regularly anyway, but I can see why she would be irritated with the woman if she was asking for favors without already having even bothered to meet Dawn in person first.

I hope she lets us know because now I’m very curious! 

 

[DawnM]

9 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

you listened, she probably read more into it.  she doesn't have a husband around anymore to do these things.

I also know a woman who has a lot of nerve in what she "tells" people to do.  (she doesn't ask, she "tells".  to the point I think she's a narcissist).  - if this is standard for her, might be a contributing reason to why they're divorced.

 

She has some control issues from what I have gathered.  She even asked me to call her ex's work and report him.  There is a lot more but I am not going to post it all.

[DawnM]

9 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Well I find it odd actually to listen to both parents at length when she had never met them in person as well.  So her response in hoping she was willing to be more of a friend doesn't seem that weird to me.  🤷‍♀️

I'd just keep laying out the boundaries and she'll take the hint.  She has a teen or young adult right?  She could ask the kid to assemble a few friends and offer them pizza and a social gathering as payment.

I have met the dad on numerous occasions.  I just haven't met the mom.  My husband has.

The kids aren't speaking to her.  It is a giant mess.

[SKL]

I think it is weird that she does it so much and about random things.

I would not think it weird if she asked, for example, whether her kids and your kids could ride share to a common destination or something like that.

I have known some people who have no sense of social boundaries.  There used to be a lady who kept calling my dad to come over and tell her 13yo son off.  Her son wasn't our friend or anything - I can't even remember how they came to meet each other.  And some people would call my dad and ask him to fix or build stuff.  Like he didn't have enough to do working full time, raising 6 kids, and keeping his own house up.  😛

[Rosie_0801]

25 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

She has some control issues from what I have gathered.  She even asked me to call her ex's work and report him.  There is a lot more but I am not going to post it all.

 

That's downright nutty.

[Shoeless]

50 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

She has some control issues from what I have gathered.  She even asked me to call her ex's work and report him. 

That's completely weird. 

[Pen]

58 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

She has some control issues from what I have gathered.  She even asked me to call her ex's work and report him.  There is a lot more but I am not going to post it all.

 

IMO Keep away from her.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

 

She has some control issues from what I have gathered.  She even asked me to call her ex's work and report him.  There is a lot more but I am not going to post it all.

I'm dealing with mine right now. (the person that "tells" people what to do.  never "asks".  I've seen her lay guilt trips to get people to comply with her wishes.) dh knew this was coming - but I got the phone call today "can you share your drivers with ___" for a 12 HOUR *one way* drive?  there and back...

actually - we can't. really. I had the joy of shutting that one down. for starters - we don't have as many drivers as she assumes.  I've got a struggling aspie in my car. oh, but  she's read a book on aspergers (she's never parented, or grandparented, an aspie), and thinks she knows about it.  she really doesn't.  

rant off.

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

I have met the dad on numerous occasions.  I just haven't met the mom.  My husband has.

The kids aren't speaking to her.  It is a giant mess.

THAT says A. LOT!

boundaries.

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm dealing with mine right now. (the person that "tells" people what to do.  never "asks".  I've seen her lay guilt trips to get people to comply with her wishes.) dh knew this was coming - but I got the phone call today "can you share your drivers with ___" for a 12 HOUR *one way* drive?  there and back...

actually - we can't. really. I had the joy of shutting that one down. for starters - we don't have as many drivers as she assumes.  I've got a struggling aspie in my car. oh, but  she's read a book on aspergers (she's never parented, or grandparented, an aspie), and thinks she knows about it.  she really doesn't.  

🙄🤣🙄

Oh yes, the "experts" on Aspies.....and, each Aspie is quite different.  I had someone who does have an Aspie child tell me something this weekend and it doesn't apply to my child AT ALL....but it does to hers.   Sigh.

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

rant off.

THAT says A. LOT!

boundaries.

 

Yup, true.

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, DawnM said:

🙄🤣🙄

Oh yes, the "experts" on Aspies.....and, each Aspie is quite different.  I had someone who does have an Aspie child tell me something this weekend and it doesn't apply to my child AT ALL....but it does to hers.   Sigh.

 

Yup, true.

I'm more willing to listen (even if I ultimately disregard it) to someone with an actual aspie.  or add, etc.  

I have one friend with a child with a tbi. really catastrophic injury at birth. mentally never developed past infancy. it led to physical disabilities as well. (blind, has to be fed with a tube, wheelchair. not sure he can even roll over.). she kept him at home, but he was institutionalized after he reached 21 to continue to get adequate state benefits, she has him to her house as often as the system allows.  she helped a neighbor with her adhd child for a week... her comment was, her child who required 24/7 care and was incapable of doing anything for himself   - was easier than the child with adhd she helped with. 

what I really got from her was putting things in perspective some times, and yeah - it really is hard.  but then, she wasn't giving her opinion on how to parent aspies or adhd kids.

[katilac]

11 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Well I find it odd actually to listen to both parents at length when she had never met them in person as well.  So her response in hoping she was willing to be more of a friend doesn't seem that weird to me.  🤷‍♀️

 

I do think the woman asking someone she hasn't met to help transport her landscaping is weird or possibly just nervy. But yeah, the idea of speaking to a couple at great length about their divorce, when neither of them is my friend and I haven't even met one of them, is also really weird to me. I mean, how does that first conversation with the person you haven't met even start? I mean, she didn't just call you at random and ask to talk about it, right? Maybe she was calling to ask if you could bring her son somewhere and abruptly segued into, hey, want to hear about my divorce . . . 

This is why I make people text me. 

 

Edited June 19, 2019 by katilac

[Arcadia]

5 hours ago, katilac said:

But yeah, the idea of speaking to a couple at great length about their divorce, when neither of them is my friend and I haven't even met one of them, is also really weird to me. I mean, how does that first conversation with the person you haven't met even start? I mean, she didn't just call you at random and ask to talk about it, right? 

 

My late paternal aunt who loved to gossip and whine would call someone she never met but related to an acquaintance to chat.  She would also try her luck at getting people to do her tasks for her.  I won’t say she was narcissistic, more of feeling very entitled to free help. 

[mlktwins]

I befriended my boys' best friend's mom a few years ago.  There are similarities to our stories and I was there for her and did a lot for her and her son.  I didn't really expect or ask a lot in return (it was pretty one-sided).  Until...she blindsided me with a very nasty email (4 pages if cut and pasted into Word) that she sent me Mother's Day 2018.  She ended her nasty email saying she wasn't sure what this would do to our friendship?!?!?!?  Really?!?!?  Suffice it to say, that relationship (and my boys' relationship with their best friend) ended very badly.  Speaking from experience, stay far, far, far away!!!!

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, katilac said:

I do think the woman asking someone she hasn't met to help transport her landscaping is weird or possibly just nervy. But yeah, the idea of speaking to a couple at great length about their divorce, when neither of them is my friend and I haven't even met one of them, is also really weird to me. I mean, how does that first conversation with the person you haven't met even start? I mean, she didn't just call you at random and ask to talk about it, right? Maybe she was calling to ask if you could bring her son somewhere and abruptly segued into, hey, want to hear about my divorce . . . 

This is why I make people text me. 

 

 

It is a very LONG story.  It started about 9 months ago with a generic conversation about rides for the kids.  

[katilac]

31 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

It is a very LONG story.  It started about 9 months ago with a generic conversation about rides for the kids.  

Yep, texting for the win 😂

I think you actually posted about it at the time. You are nicer than I am - after the first sidetracked conversation, I would have never taken a voice call from them again, lol. 

[katilac]

4 hours ago, Arcadia said:

My late paternal aunt who loved to gossip and whine would call someone she never met but related to an acquaintance to chat.   

These are the people who populate my nightmares. 

[DawnM]

55 minutes ago, katilac said:

Yep, texting for the win 😂

I think you actually posted about it at the time. You are nicer than I am - after the first sidetracked conversation, I would have never taken a voice call from them again, lol. 

 

Me?  Nice.....or just plain STUPID? 😜

The dad doesn't speak to me anymore.  I am sure if I tell the mom I will NOT be making these calls for her, she will stop speaking to me as well.   I know way more than I want to know about both sides and I am disgusted.   He is so permissive that his older son is dealing pot and a host of other crap.   She is so controlling that the kids would get their phones taken away if their grades dipped to a B for their progress reports.

I knew NONE of this last year.  I knew my kid and their kid were friends.  I thought they were normal.  They went to our church, acted like they were sane, etc.....

 

[Lecka]

Oh, dear.  

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

Me?  Nice.....or just plain STUPID? 😜

The dad doesn't speak to me anymore.  I am sure if I tell the mom I will NOT be making these calls for her, she will stop speaking to me as well.   I know way more than I want to know about both sides and I am disgusted.   He is so permissive that his older son is dealing pot and a host of other crap.   She is so controlling that the kids would get their phones taken away if their grades dipped to a B for their progress reports.

I knew NONE of this last year.  I knew my kid and their kid were friends.  I thought they were normal.  They went to our church, acted like they were sane, etc.....

 

 

Ok, that explains why you were talking to the parents. You probably felt sorry for your son’s friend and thought maybe you could help. 

You had no way of knowing the parents were so messed up, and then once you started learning more about them, you were probably even more concerned about their son, so you didn’t feel right about just walking away. 😞

But now I think it’s time to walk away from the mom. You can still be there for the kid if he needs to talk.

[DawnM]

And just to clarify about the church situation.  They went to this church before we did.  We were at another church.  We started going about 18 months ago, when the separation was starting (I still didn't know about it then) but they went to the 11am service at that time and we went to the 9:30 service.  We never saw them there until about a year ago when Dad and his new shack up honey started coming to the earlier service.    They obviously are missing some key doctrinal tenets of our faith, but whatever.

Mom stopped coming to the church at all at that point.

[katilac]

14 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I thought they were normal. 

Rookie mistake. Assume people are insane until proven otherwise. 

[DawnM]

4 minutes ago, katilac said:

Rookie mistake. Assume people are insane until proven otherwise. 

 

I think I was clouded because they were my son's friend's parents and I was trying to play nice.

Not a rookie, I promise.  Way too old to be a rookie.

[Garga]

50 minutes ago, DawnM said:

, acted like they were sane, etc.....

 

This made me laugh!  I’ve BTDT.  People can look so normal, ya know?  And you find out they’re NUTS.  And they have no idea. 

[DawnM]

14 minutes ago, Garga said:

This made me laugh!  I’ve BTDT.  People can look so normal, ya know?  And you find out they’re NUTS.  And they have no idea. 

 

Guess I need to go back to the old saying:

"All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer." --Robert Owen, 1828

[katilac]

42 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

Guess I need to go back to the old saying:

"All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer." --Robert Owen, 1828

New favorite quote!

[gardenmom5]

nm

Edited June 20, 2019 by gardenmom5

[Katy]

Given the additional information, yes, it's weird, and she's testing your boundaries to see if she can control you too.  Stay as far away as possible, and be blunt - "No, I will not help you move."