TheReader Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Y'all remember my (ex)friend, who was slowly pulling away over the course of 2017? And then we had a misunderstanding/falling out when I set some boundaries at an annual event we always attended together? And so then she stopped talking to me, because I guess those boundaries were a deal breaker for her, or the pulling away she'd been doing was more than I'd realized, or....whatever? Well....tomorrow's the day. I'll be in a class all day (YAY!) but also eating lunch solo, for the first time since I started attending this event in 2014. Saturday my DH will go with me, so that will be fun and I'm looking forward to that, a lot, but I expect tomorrow to be possibly full of mixed emotions and maybe a little hard. I intend to make the best of it, but....:sigh:.... I'm also not sure if my (ex) friend will show up or not; I reached out to a few of our mutual friends, but they're remaining mum on the subject, which I sort of think means (maybe) "she's coming and asked us not to tell you and we don't want to lie to you or violate her trust so we're not saying a word" but I guess could just mean "yea, we're not getting in the middle of this, sorry..." So, imagining I'll bump into her, and then if I do, I'm not caught off guard, but if not, great. Anyway....just.....wish me luck?? Or something? I mean, I know it's silly, and I shouldn't even feel anything over this, but.....I'm human, and we were very close friends, for a very long time, and.....just....wish me luck. It's a 3 hour lunch break.....which is a lot of time to fill when you're by yourself (and the vendor hall/exhibit hall won't be open yet). 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 good luck, that sounds hard 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Can you go offsite for lunch? Somewhere where you won’t bump into her and can read a book or people watch comfortably? 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 I'm sorry, and I can understand your discomfort. I'm with Jean, can you go elsewhere during the long lunch break? Gah, that seems so long! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 18 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said: Can you go offsite for lunch? Somewhere where you won’t bump into her and can read a book or people watch comfortably? There are lots of spots even on-site where I can go, or a park across the street, etc., and that is a fabulous idea. I'm planning to take a workbook/journal thing, and a book, coloring books, etc. and with several years of waiting on kids, I'm pretty prepared for killing time alone.....but I think you are right, if I get off-site, it will be so much easier. Thank you for that suggestion! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 I wouldn't want to drive off-site if I got a good parking space or had to pay twice or too much, lol. But you could uber if it's too far to walk or if the weather is iffy. I like your plan of having a book and journal, etc. May I also suggest that you put in headphones during lunch? Even if you aren't listening to anything? Universal sign, you know. Also, wear something that makes you happy! Bonus points if it's something people always compliment you when you wear it, but it can be your favorite underwear or a color of nail polish. Really. Psych yourself up. Look good,, so you'll feel good. Lastly, you will take the high road. You're already not pressuring friends any more than a vague question or two, and, should you run into her, make sure you smile, and say hello. I'm sorry you're going through this. It hurts, but psych yourself up and enjoy the day. I'm glad your hubby can go this weekend. Enjoy that too! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Good luck! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashfern Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Have fun and enjoy yourself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 I'm glad you're going. I would think carefully about what *I* would most like to enjoy and get out of the weekend. Long lunches at weaving conferences are an opportunity to shop in the 'marketplace'. When I go, I usually have some specific books, equipment, and yarn that I want to see in person, plus I have a general list of questions that I figure I might get answered if the right vendor shows up. I don't ever do a lot of shopping, but I often decide on something that I have been considering, once I have seen it--one way or another, just like at homeschooling conference market places. I always meet people there that I know, but I don't go with them specifically, because there are no stores in our area that carry the kind of stuff and information that I'm looking for, so I want to make sure I have a chance to enjoy getting my list ticked off. Also, I always seem to make friends with the nicest people in the classes and workshops! If your conference has that kind of structure, I encourage you to use that notebook to make a list of your own questions and 'things to see'. And I think it is wise to have ways to talk with your friends and acquaintances and to occupy yourself, prepared in advance. I hope you have an extraordinarily wonderful time! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maplinmum Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 If it is the event I think it is, find one of the big tables with several people on it and introduce yourself. I went by myself last year and had a lot of fun talking to different people at lunchtimes, after all you all have a common interest and a lot of people go by themselves. I found if i initiated the conversation people were happy to talk, or at least to polite to ignore me. The older I have got the happier I am to talk to random strangers, much to my daughter"s embarrassment. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 1 hour ago, Angie in VA said: I wouldn't want to drive off-site if I got a good parking space or had to pay twice or too much, lol. But you could uber if it's too far to walk or if the weather is iffy. I like your plan of having a book and journal, etc. May I also suggest that you put in headphones during lunch? Even if you aren't listening to anything? Universal sign, you know. Also, wear something that makes you happy! Bonus points if it's something people always compliment you when you wear it, but it can be your favorite underwear or a color of nail polish. Really. Psych yourself up. Look good,, so you'll feel good. Lastly, you will take the high road. You're already not pressuring friends any more than a vague question or two, and, should you run into her, make sure you smile, and say hello. I'm sorry you're going through this. It hurts, but psych yourself up and enjoy the day. I'm glad your hubby can go this weekend. Enjoy that too! thank you! I definitely won't move my car; I'm getting there crazy early and will likely get a great spot, LOL, and I am not going to give that up. But, there is a park across the street, tons of different areas onsite, lots of little nooks & crannies where I can tuck myself away with a book, headphones, journal, etc. I actually hadn't thought of the headphones, but that's a great idea, too. And I will definitely wear something fun that makes me smile; that's a good tip, too. And yes, I will take the high road, say hi, wish her well, and go on. Thanks for the wise words and kind understanding! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 5 minutes ago, Maplinmum said: If it is the event I think it is, find one of the big tables with several people on it and introduce yourself. I went by myself last year and had a lot of fun talking to different people at lunchtimes, after all you all have a common interest and a lot of people go by themselves. I found if i initiated the conversation people were happy to talk, or at least to polite to ignore me. The older I have got the happier I am to talk to random strangers, much to my daughter"s embarrassment. It very likely is ? And yes, I fully plan to do that....but also figure at most, lunch itself will only take about an hour (and I have an earlier lunch, too, so fewer people, probably...). Who knows, maybe I'll hit it off with someone in the class, even. I'm already of the "embarrassingly chatty" variety, LOL, so that won't be difficult. Anyway, thank you! It's a great bit of advice, and I'll definitely do just that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 1 hour ago, Patty Joanna said: From my point of view, I think you are very brave. I've been through this, and I wasn't even able to drive through the ex-friend's part of TOWN for several years. You've received some good suggestions. Sounds like other people have been through this, too. One thing I have found helpful from time to time is to think ahead about what I can do to respond if you run into one another, or if the "other friends" issue is stickier than you think. Not think ahead as in "OMGOODNESS these are alll the possible things that could go wrong!!!!" but think ahead as in, "This is the person I am going to be...here is something I can practice saying so it comes out right when I say it if I run into 1)her or 2)others who are caught in the middle or 3)someone who has taken sides (hers or mine)." It's more about having a plan than planning to fret. See responses A, B, C respectively: A. "I hope all is well with you. (look at watch...). Oh, will you look at this! I've simply GOT to run." (have to meet someone, grab a lunch, make a call) B. "I know it is uncomfortable. I wish it were easier. How are YOU doing? Tell me all about your kid/house/vacation/book you are reading." C. "You know, I'd rather not go into all of this." --if someone is siding with you, then go to B, above. --if someone is siding against you, then add, "I'm sorry that this has been divisive and that has been a loss all around. I wish everyone the best." --if someone keeps pressing to open the issue, "As I said, I am not going to go into all of this again. I'm sorry it has been divisive ....blah blah blah. Hang in there. Be your best self! :0) This is great, thank you. I mean, I hope the other friends haven't sided with her.....who knows....but that's a good tip to be prepared for that just in case. It would be decidedly awkward if I were to run into the 3 of them all together......thank you for giving me words to use if that happens. Really. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 37 minutes ago, Seasider too said: I wish you delightful new acquaintances to sit with at lunch. Bravo to you for going to the event. Glad you’re not throwing the baby with the bath water- wait, I don’t mean to say your old friend is bath water! I just mean some people would avoid the whole thing and I’m proud of you for not doing that. I hope you learn many new things! Thank you! This event is just too amazing to miss, and I actually spent a little while reveling in the freedom to enjoy it on my own terms this year, back when I was registering this summer, so that's good. I can focus on that tomorrow as well. Thanks for the encouragement! 21 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said: I'm glad you're going. I would think carefully about what *I* would most like to enjoy and get out of the weekend. Long lunches at weaving conferences are an opportunity to shop in the 'marketplace'. When I go, I usually have some specific books, equipment, and yarn that I want to see in person, plus I have a general list of questions that I figure I might get answered if the right vendor shows up. I don't ever do a lot of shopping, but I often decide on something that I have been considering, once I have seen it--one way or another, just like at homeschooling conference market places. I always meet people there that I know, but I don't go with them specifically, because there are no stores in our area that carry the kind of stuff and information that I'm looking for, so I want to make sure I have a chance to enjoy getting my list ticked off. Also, I always seem to make friends with the nicest people in the classes and workshops! If your conference has that kind of structure, I encourage you to use that notebook to make a list of your own questions and 'things to see'. And I think it is wise to have ways to talk with your friends and acquaintances and to occupy yourself, prepared in advance. I hope you have an extraordinarily wonderful time! Thank you! That's a good point, to spend the time getting *ready* for the vendor hall.....hadn't thought to do that. I can wander over to one of the hotels with good lobby wi-fi and do just that. You all are helping me get excited about the day, even the lunch break; thank you all! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Have a great time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarlaB Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 1 hour ago, Seasider too said: I wish you delightful new acquaintances to sit with at lunch. Bravo to you for going to the event. Glad you’re not throwing the baby with the bath water- wait, I don’t mean to say your old friend is bath water! I just mean some people would avoid the whole thing and I’m proud of you for not doing that. I hope you learn many new things! Agreed! Many people might avoid the event altogether and I’m hoping you reap unexpected rewards during the event. I’ve had a friend breakup and it was very hard. I hope you have a wonderful time!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Hope you have a great time, and the lunch in your car or offsite sounds ideal. Before you get there, practice a cheery ‘Hi, Susie! Nice to see you!’ So when/if you see her you’re all ready and say it but keep walking when you are talking. And as casual but pleasant as you can so she’s got no ammo to diss you to your friends. You’re going to have a great time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in IN Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 (edited) You've gotten some great advice and it sounds like you're developing some good strategies. I'm just adding my support, saying a prayer for you and hoping that it is an enjoyable event. This is your opportunity to create new "traditions" and make this event something that is truly enjoyable for YOU! Edited November 7, 2018 by Denise in IN 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Good luck tomorrow. I hope it goes much better than you think. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I hope you have a great time!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I remember your post about this. Here's to starting a new tradition - maybe a relaxing lunch on your own with time to think or read, or maybe lunch with new acquaintances. If this is an event you love don't let the former friend define how you feel about going. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 5 hours ago, Seasider too said: I wish you delightful new acquaintances to sit with at lunch. Bravo to you for going to the event. Glad you’re not throwing the baby with the bath water- wait, I don’t mean to say your old friend is bath water! I just mean some people would avoid the whole thing and I’m proud of you for not doing that. I hope you learn many new things! Such a good point. I am so proud of you for going. Sometimes it is hard to say goodbye to the old , but sometimes new things come in that are worth it too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I had a bad friend break up, and it made stuff like this really hard. Good for you for still going to your conference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted November 8, 2018 Author Share Posted November 8, 2018 You guys!!! It was SO MUCH FUN!!! I went to class, which was amazing (all guided journaling/meditation/something or other, very introspective, very cool, learned a LOT about myself), and during the lunch break another lady invited me to join her and 2 others (all just met in class), so I did. We ate, we talked, we lingered, and by the time we were done, there was just enough time to have bathroom breaks, sit down for a few minutes, refill our water bottles, and get back to class. So much for the bag of stuff to do on my 3 hour break, LOL! It was perfect. After class, I wandered the vendor hall. Alone. But blissfully alone. I could beeline right to the booth I like to visit first, and not worry I was keeping my friends. I could go directly from there to the next booth on my list, even though it was way at the other end of the hall. When I finished there, I went way to the super far opposite end of the building to check one exhibit (the one my friend had, I knew, entered, but I didn't know if she'd made it in or not, so wanted to check. She didn't, so perhaps that drops the odds she's here this year, I don't know.). Then back to keep shopping, where I was able to go up and down every aisle in order, and not have to stop and wander into booths that seemed mildly interesting because my friend(s) wanted to stop.....so no getting sucked into those impulse purchases while you're killing time looking and inevitably find something "adorable" or "perfect" or whatever. As I still have untouched such purchases from probably the very first time I went (and each year since), this was fabulous. I ended up spending a little bit LESS money and ending up with WAY MORE of the fabric I LOVE than ever before. (we won't discuss exactly how much, because it's ridiculous, but when one booth had $4/yd.......let's just say, it's easy to get gobs and gobs and gobs when it barely costs anything, and you know it's deliciously fabulous fabric.....). I didn't have to stop and sit because my friend was tired, or leave early so she could eat, or anything. I covered the ENTIRE vendor floor (seriously. every.single.aisle.) in the 3.5 hours after my class. And that was going at a leisurely (for me) pace.....because I didn't have to stop every 2 feet to pop in the next booth (when with a group, *someone* wants to stop about that often....so you all do.....). It was amazing! I bumped into a handful of local friends I didn't know would be there and had wonderful chat with them. I saw my lunch friends again and chatted with them some more. I saw some of my past teachers (from the show) and said Hi and chatted with them. I stayed and chatted in my favorite booth, with the owner, who's getting to know me a bit as I spend so much there each year. And at the end of the night.....I came home. I told my family all about my class and showed off my fabric. I ate leftover pizza with them. I slept in my own bed, which was bliss. Saturday, my husband is going to go with me and look at the exhibits, which I've tried to get him to do each year, but as I was committed to attending with my friend, and we'd spent so much on making that happen, he never wanted to spend the extra $15 on his entrance ticket (and have to go on a Sunday, etc....). This year he's going, and I can't wait. And I never missed my (ex)friend, even once. Well, that's not entirely true. I looked for her while there, but if she was there, I never saw her. As I kept passing the same people, I assume she wasn't there; it's very unlikely she and I would have been on such opposite paths as to have never crossed paths at all, I think. But, I didn't miss having her there, at all, even though it would have been okay to have run into her if she'd been there, if that makes sense. All in all, it was amazing. You all were a huge encouragement to me about it, gave me wonderful tips, and helped me really let go and throw myself into having fun. And I did. I wore my favorite comfortable outfit, but a nice outfit, not a sloppy one, per the suggestion here ? I wore my most fun socks. I had headphones, coloring books, workbooks, etc. ready if I needed them, but I chose to make friends instead, and it was fabulous. I wore a smile on my face, and it was real, and sincere, and heartfelt, and I think still would have been even if I'd run into her (or if I do on Saturday). And I feel so glad I didn't let the end of the friendship keep me from going and enjoying this.....and sad to think that maybe she did....it makes me feel sorry for her; sad that she chose to give up something she loves because.....what? Because she might run into me? (or who knows, maybe she has other reasons for not coming this year). Also a little tiny bit vindicated, LOL, because part of the "misunderstanding" last year was that I felt, had felt, that she came to visit me and we went to this event....and she insisted, no, it was always that she came to this event and visited with me & our other friends while here. The fact she (apparently) skipped this year.......makes me think I was right, which feels good, even though maybe that's petty. Anyway, thank you guys. It was a really wonderful day. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 (edited) I’m so glad you had a great time! Edited November 8, 2018 by fairfarmhand 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 I'm glad everything worked out and you had such a good time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 Ahhh I am so happy for you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 Oooo! Such fun! I love it that everything worked out even better than you could have hoped! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.