Doing a weird thing.. (or, that friendship really is over....)

[TheReader]

You guys remember my out-of-state friend, who's no longer my friend? She invited me to visit during a mutually-interesting event (for me to meet her there), gave me specific parameters for my flights, then when I chose those (at higher inconvenience to myself/my family) she back-pedaled and insisted that my arrival/departure times did not work for her to get me to/from the airport, so I'd either lose several hours or be on my own for airport-to-venue (and back) transportation....? 

Then she came to my city for a similar mutually-interesting event, for the 4th time in a row (annual event she attends as a business expense for her home business), but booked the $$$ hotel and expected me  to stay all 4 nights, quoted me one price then when time came to pay her, it was actually higher than she'd said. So when I realized the extent of how much more the hotel was going to be, and she chose to go to our other friend's house vs mine for her final day, I chose to just skip that last night in the hotel rather than basically stay there alone/see her long enough to say Hi/Bye......and then that was basically the last time I talked to her, because she was so hurt by my actions that she couldn't see how her actions had hurt me....? (there was lots more, but not going to rehash it all)

Well, today's the day to sign up for classes and such for the event (which I am still going to attend, because I love it). So I'm signing up......with absolutely no idea if she's even coming to town for it, or not. No idea if she'll connect with our other 2 mutual friends, or not. No idea if any one of them will reach out to me to include me, or not. (suspecting yes, she'll come; yes, she'll connect with at least one of the other 2; no, they won't connect with me).  

It feels weird. Since being back in this area after Brazil, my only times attending this event have been with her (I'd never gone pre-Brazil, as I was not interested in that hobby yet). For me, this event started out as a thing to do with my friend who was coming to visit (which is what I thought it was for her, too). It feels odd to now attend it.....just to attend it. Alone. To maybe/maybe not bump into her while there......I can only assume she'll still come, I have no idea. And it's a huge thing, so even if she does, I may not see her. But it's just weird. Like the nail in the coffin, so to speak. I still can't quite wrap my head around a nearly 10 yr friendship ending over one disagreement/misunderstanding. 

On the other hand, though.....I'm signing up for a class w/o having to stress over coordinating schedules, or sticking to low-priced classes to accommodate pricey hotels I don't need. I'll be sleeping in my own bed each night, eating at home all week but once, and not worrying about how much lunch costs because it's not on top of unnecessary hotel bills, extra days of parking, etc. No fighting with my husband about "having" to stay in the hotel to keep the peace in the friendship. No stress over airport runs, or will she want me to make lunches (or not), and then not eat them. No hassle of "this is when I arrive and depart, I''ll meet you at baggage claim..." and adjusting my schedule (and dh's) accordingly. 

So it's very freeing, as well, but still.....feels so final, somehow, and I knew you guys would remember and understand, and be the right people to remind me to focus on the freedom and the fact the friendship didn't end at that last event, it was dying already. Which I get. And I am actually really excited about the class I'm going to take, and getting to take my hubby up to the show with me one day, and......it feels good, even though underneath, it also feels weird. 

Just had to share where someone would "get it." 

[scholastica]

(((hugs))

I do remember this. That's hard, but you sound so healthy about it all. Hopefully, going to the event and having a good time will help you continue to move on with things without the friendship. 

[Storygirl]

I remember this, too, and I'm sorry you are having to relive some of it as you prepare for this event.

But I think it is really healthy and a great choice for you to move forward and go alone. I've gone to homeschooling conventions alone, after previously attending with a friend (she moved and couldn't go any more), and I found I enjoyed being able to make my own schedule and explore at my own pace. The experience was not the same, but it was still fun for me.

If you happen to run into any of the "friends," my advice is to smile and greet them, then just keep moving instead of expecting to chat or join them. If they want to chat with you, I think you can be pleasant but keep it short and then stick to your own plans.

I hope you have a great time!

[TheReader]

1 minute ago, Storygirl said:

I remember this, too, and I'm sorry you are having to relive some of it as you prepare for this event.

But I think it is really healthy and a great choice for you to move forward and go alone. I've gone to homeschooling conventions alone, after previously attending with a friend (she moved and couldn't go any more), and I found I enjoyed being able to make my own schedule and explore at my own pace. The experience was not the same, but it was still fun for me.

If you happen to run into any of the "friends," my advice is to smile and greet them, then just keep moving instead of expecting to chat or join them. If they want to chat with you, I think you can be pleasant but keep it short and then stick to your own plans.

I hope you have a great time!

 

The bolded is a really good bit of advice; thank you! 

[Ellie]

((((TheReader)))

I totally get you, on every level.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I suspect that it didn't just end over one misunderstanding but that there were some serious issues with your friend that you only really saw there at the end.  I'm sorry, though.  I hope that you might make some new friends at this convention. 

[Tina]

Time to find some new friends while you're in classes.  Do you know anyone local who's into those classes?  Sorry it happened this way, but really-- sounds like more hardships than friendship.  Enjoy your freedom and have a great time!

[Selkie]

I think it's great that you're going and won't have to deal with your ex-friend's aggravating behavior. I hope you have a wonderful time!

[mlktwins]

10 hours ago, TheReader said:

But it's just weird. Like the nail in the coffin, so to speak. I still can't quite wrap my head around a nearly 10 yr friendship ending over one disagreement/misunderstanding. 

So it's very freeing, as well, but still.....feels so final, somehow, and I knew you guys would remember and understand, and be the right people to remind me to focus on the freedom and the fact the friendship didn't end at that last event, it was dying already. Which I get. 

Just had to share where someone would "get it." 

 

9 hours ago, Storygirl said:

If you happen to run into any of the "friends," my advice is to smile and greet them, then just keep moving instead of expecting to chat or join them. If they want to chat with you, I think you can be pleasant but keep it short and then stick to your own plans.

 

 

9 hours ago, Ellie said:

((((TheReader)))

I totally get you, on every level.

 

I so get this - as I am dealing with the same thing at the moment.  Good for you going and doing your own thing that works for you!!!  My situation is still very fresh (I will probably post about it in a couple of weeks because I need to vent somewhere), but I have to see this person 6 days a week for another 2 weeks.  Then I get a break until September.  My boys and I also have to see her son, who was my boys' best friend (and like my 3rd child) until the $%&# hit the fan.  It is so good (and much more healthy) for us to be out of the friendship, but so hard on us because there is so much the 3 of us (and really my DH too) want to say to both of them and we are trying to take the high road.  It is hard seeing them so often and we just need a break to begin to heal and get over the shock and anger.  The end came over one final disagreement/understanding too, but looking back, I had so many red flags.

Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your thread.  I just really get it and many hugs to you!  Go and enjoy yourself and be happy!!!  That is the best revenge -- LOL!!!

[cuckoomamma]

I agree that you're handling this all in such a healthy way.  I suspect that the most difficult time is right now as you think about it and that once you're there, you'll have a wonderful time - on your own schedule and you're own way!  You know that saying about there never being a vacuum...something else wonderful will fill the place that you once shared with this friend.  I think it's  hard when you don't really understand the true underlying issues of why a friendship ends but not everyone wants to share their reasons :)

[ashfern]

Glad that you are still planning on going. You'll have a great time and it will be less stressful.

[Annie G]

I remember that and I’m glad you’re not letting it stop you this year. have a great time and I hope you meet some new friends! 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I suspect that it didn't just end over one misunderstanding but that there were some serious issues with your friend that you only really saw there at the end.  I'm sorry, though.  I hope that you might make some new friends at this convention. 

 

I think you’re absolutely right, Jean. ?

I remember the prior issues with that “friend” and the woman seemed very inconsiderate and self-absorbed, and she took advantage of The Reader’s generosity and good nature in so many different ways. I was relieved when I read this thread and saw that The Reader is attending the event without having to deal with all of the aggravation the “friend” has caused her in the past. 

I hope she makes some new friends at this convention, too!

[TheReader]

3 hours ago, mlktwins said:

 

 

 

I so get this - as I am dealing with the same thing at the moment.  Good for you going and doing your own thing that works for you!!!  My situation is still very fresh (I will probably post about it in a couple of weeks because I need to vent somewhere), but I have to see this person 6 days a week for another 2 weeks.  Then I get a break until September.  My boys and I also have to see her son, who was my boys' best friend (and like my 3rd child) until the $%&# hit the fan.  It is so good (and much more healthy) for us to be out of the friendship, but so hard on us because there is so much the 3 of us (and really my DH too) want to say to both of them and we are trying to take the high road.  It is hard seeing them so often and we just need a break to begin to heal and get over the shock and anger.  The end came over one final disagreement/understanding too, but looking back, I had so many red flags.

Anyway, I didn't mean to high jack your thread.  I just really get it and many hugs to you!  Go and enjoy yourself and be happy!!!  That is the best revenge -- LOL!!!

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! It would definitely be a million times harder if she were local and I was having to see her all the time....ick. That has to be difficult for you. Just seeing her comments around FB were hard enough for me in the beginning....I can't imagine what you are enduring. (((hugs))) to you, because friendships ending just hurts, even if it was a slow death we just didn't see coming. 

[TheReader]

5 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I suspect that it didn't just end over one misunderstanding but that there were some serious issues with your friend that you only really saw there at the end.  I'm sorry, though.  I hope that you might make some new friends at this convention. 

 

Yes, this is very true. I just kept ignoring the warning signs until it was just...over. 

5 hours ago, Tina said:

Time to find some new friends while you're in classes.  Do you know anyone local who's into those classes?  Sorry it happened this way, but really-- sounds like more hardships than friendship.  Enjoy your freedom and have a great time!

 

5 hours ago, Selkie said:

I think it's great that you're going and won't have to deal with your ex-friend's aggravating behavior. I hope you have a wonderful time!

 

3 hours ago, cuckoomamma said:

I agree that you're handling this all in such a healthy way.  I suspect that the most difficult time is right now as you think about it and that once you're there, you'll have a wonderful time - on your own schedule and you're own way!  You know that saying about there never being a vacuum...something else wonderful will fill the place that you once shared with this friend.  I think it's  hard when you don't really understand the true underlying issues of why a friendship ends but not everyone wants to share their reasons ?

 

Well, it's been November to now, so I've had a lot of time to heal, move past it, etc. And, already I've gotten closer to some local friends and been developing some healthy, local, in-person friendships. Both that do, and don't, share this same hobby/passion, which is nice. So it's very true, and it's been a real gift that any time I did feel like mourning this friendship, I was able to stop and look at my life in the here & now and realize, I may have lost touch with one person, but I hadn't lost anything in the way of actual, real, true friendships. That's been a helpful thing to stop and realize. 

3 hours ago, ashfern said:

Glad that you are still planning on going. You'll have a great time and it will be less stressful.

 

3 hours ago, Annie G said:

I remember that and I’m glad you’re not letting it stop you this year. have a great time and I hope you meet some new friends! 

 

Thanks to both (all) of you; I am honestly looking forward to going and doing what I want to do, no stress, no pressure, no guilt, no angst, no fights with my husband....I think it will be wonderful! I'm taking a class on one day, hitting the preview night for shopping early, and then my DH and I will go see the exhibits on the weekend, just the two of us. Something I've always wanted to do, but we never could, because I was obligated to hang out with this friend and DH never wanted to pay parking any more than we already were. So I'm really excited about that part. 

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

I think you’re absolutely right, Jean. ?

I remember the prior issues with that “friend” and the woman seemed very inconsiderate and self-absorbed, and she took advantage of The Reader’s generosity and good nature in so many different ways. I was relieved when I read this thread and saw that The Reader is attending the event without having to deal with all of the aggravation the “friend” has caused her in the past. 

I hope she makes some new friends at this convention, too!

 

Aww, thank you. I feel really good about it now. Like others have said, I think the hard part was actually sitting down and clicking through the on-line registration and all those feelings came up. Now I'm done with that, I'm just really looking forward to going, and yes, maybe making new friends, that will be fun! Going stress-free will be a nice treat!

[Jaybee]

I had a close friendship that ended. I grieved and mourned. It was hard. But in hindsight, I could see many unhealthy aspects of the relationship that I had been willing to overlook for a long time. While it sometimes hurts even now that it ended in the way it did, it was also freeing. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, TheReader said:

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! It would definitely be a million times harder if she were local and I was having to see her all the time....ick. That has to be difficult for you. Just seeing her comments around FB were hard enough for me in the beginning....I can't imagine what you are enduring. (((hugs))) to you, because friendships ending just hurts, even if it was a slow death we just didn't see coming. 

Yup. I had a friendship loss like that, too, and the person was highly involved in my life in a manner I could not change. I truly think she is a terrible person and there were red flags all along that I didn’t really look at (blame-shifter and had left other friendship corpses in her wake), but there were still times I was so sad remembering the fun we used to have and when I would see evidence that she now had those fun times with someone else, a mutual other friend. It still hurt and made me feel sad that I didn’t have that anymore. 

Now she is much more out of my life than in; I only cross paths with her maybe 2-3 times per year and it is better. 

[Arctic Bunny]

I remember, Reader, and am so happy for all the things you’re going to enjoy about the event this year. I agree, that there is an opening now to meet new people, but even if you don’t, it all sounds so much more relaxing and enjoyable. I’m glad to hear your DH is going with you, too!

[Mothersweets]

I remember when you posted about this! So glad to hear you are going to the event this year and don't have to worry about any of that other stuff.  Have a great time! ?

[Garga]

I remember, too!  I am so glad to hear you’re still going and that the end of the friendship won’t make you miss out on something you love.  

It will be weird/different to go alone, but you’ll probably love the freedom of doing what you want when you want.  And you’ll have more money to buy things at the event if you want to.  Big bonus!

[TheReader]

46 minutes ago, Garga said:

I remember, too!  I am so glad to hear you’re still going and that the end of the friendship won’t make you miss out on something you love.  

It will be weird/different to go alone, but you’ll probably love the freedom of doing what you want when you want.  And you’ll have more money to buy things at the event if you want to.  Big bonus!

LOL, that is one of my favorite parts, but I didn't want to say that and then have people thinking "well, if you can afford the money to spend on stuff, why couldn't you afford the hotel in the first place...." (umm, because even if I spend double my normal amount, it won't equal the total for the hotel, and no where near hotel + parking + food + class fee + shopping.....) But yes! thanks for saying it for me ? LOL!

[Maplinmum]

I think I know the event you are talking about and I went by myself last year and it was great. I was forced to socialise with the people I was sitting with in my classes and then got talking to a variety of people at the lunch break. I met loads of interesting people from around the world, it is so easy if you are with a friend to form a closed group. Go and enjoy the freedom of doing it just the way you want.

[mlktwins]

4 hours ago, TheReader said:

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that! It would definitely be a million times harder if she were local and I was having to see her all the time....ick. That has to be difficult for you. Just seeing her comments around FB were hard enough for me in the beginning....I can't imagine what you are enduring. (((hugs))) to you, because friendships ending just hurts, even if it was a slow death we just didn't see coming. 

Thank you!  I am so glad you are at the point where things are turning around for you!  You and the other posters are giving me hope ?.  It really stinks because I am having to help my boys through this while I am trying to figure it out myself.  It has been a long time since I've had any friend drama (like forever because I am old now -- LOL) and this is my boys' first experience with this type of situation.  We are muddling through together though and it has made our already strong bond even stronger.  Positive things are coming out of this!!!  

[mlktwins]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

Yup. I had a friendship loss like that, too, and the person was highly involved in my life in a manner I could not change. I truly think she is a terrible person and there were red flags all along that I didn’t really look at (blame-shifter and had left other friendship corpses in her wake), but there were still times I was so sad remembering the fun we used to have and when I would see evidence that she now had those fun times with someone else, a mutual other friend. It still hurt and made me feel sad that I didn’t have that anymore. 

Now she is much more out of my life than in; I only cross paths with her maybe 2-3 times per year and it is better. 

Quill, I totally, totally get it!!!!  I can relate to most of what you said except I don't have to deal with watching her having fun times with a mutual friend.  And...thank goodness she isn't involved in our homeschooling life.  Hopefully time will heal and I truly know we are better off.  Still sucks to go through it!!!

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, TheReader said:

LOL, that is one of my favorite parts, but I didn't want to say that and then have people thinking "well, if you can afford the money to spend on stuff, why couldn't you afford the hotel in the first place...." (umm, because even if I spend double my normal amount, it won't equal the total for the hotel, and no where near hotel + parking + food + class fee + shopping.....) But yes! thanks for saying it for me ? LOL!

I can already tell you are going to have an awesome time ?!!!

[TheReader]

1 hour ago, mlktwins said:

Thank you!  I am so glad you are at the point where things are turning around for you!  You and the other posters are giving me hope ?.  It really stinks because I am having to help my boys through this while I am trying to figure it out myself.  It has been a long time since I've had any friend drama (like forever because I am old now -- LOL) and this is my boys' first experience with this type of situation.  We are muddling through together though and it has made our already strong bond even stronger.  Positive things are coming out of this!!!  

Aww, I'm glad I can be an encouragement to you about this. Muddling through with kids is certainly a million times harder, too; sounds like you are handling it well, though. Keep hangin' on; it does get better. 

[TheReader]

2 hours ago, Maplinmum said:

I think I know the event you are talking about and I went by myself last year and it was great. I was forced to socialise with the people I was sitting with in my classes and then got talking to a variety of people at the lunch break. I met loads of interesting people from around the world, it is so easy if you are with a friend to form a closed group. Go and enjoy the freedom of doing it just the way you want.

Thank you! Yes, I'm sure I'm not super vague about the event, so probably you are right ? Sitting with others at lunch break will be fun, that is very true. I'm glad to hear it was fun for you being solo; that encourages me! Thank you for chiming in!

[PrairieSong]

I know it hurts when a friendship ends, but honestly, I don't have the energy for lopsided friendships, which it sounds like yours was. I'm sorry it ended on such a bad note and that she didn't even see how she had hurt you. I think it's great that you're still going to the event since you enjoy it. Have a great time, and I wish you continued healing and peace.

[laundrycrisis]

Nice ! Congratulations on liberating yourself !  Enjoy ? 

[katilac]

I do remember this, but I can't remember if the other 2 friends did anything hurtful or not. 

If they did not, I wouldn't hesitate to reach out to them and let them know you're going and hope to see them (if you do). They might feel awkward reaching out to you, or ex-friend may have given them bad information about you not wanting to talk or meet up. Maybe text them if you don't see them often. You can take it in small steps if you're hesitant. Just ask if they're going at first, see how they react, and take it from there. 

[TheReader]

3 hours ago, katilac said:

I do remember this, but I can't remember if the other 2 friends did anything hurtful or not. 

If they did not, I wouldn't hesitate to reach out to them and let them know you're going and hope to see them (if you do). They might feel awkward reaching out to you, or ex-friend may have given them bad information about you not wanting to talk or meet up. Maybe text them if you don't see them often. You can take it in small steps if you're hesitant. Just ask if they're going at first, see how they react, and take it from there. 

They did not, and that's a good tip. I will reach out to them closer to time (we mostly interact on FB, because while we live in the same large metro area, it is a rather *large* metro area, meaning we're over an hour from each other) and see if they're going. The one friend is who "my" friend went and stayed with instead, so dealt with whatever all fallout there was on my friend's end.....we haven't discussed it, but have had positive interactions since, so I assume things are okay. 

But that's a good idea; I do need to reach out and see if they're going, and also let them know they don't have to be awkward with our other friend just because of what happened (if they're even aware) or anything.