Responding to older people

[SmallTownGirl]

How do you respond when you're talking with older people (70 or 80 year olds who are generally healthy) and they make comments like, "I'm not going to get a pet because I don't want to get something that will outlast me," or  "I'm going to have my kids go through my things and tell me what they want when I'm gone," or "I don't know if I'll still be here," when talking about plans a few months off.  These are three different people who have said things like this to me in the recent months.

It feels uncomfortable to agree with them, like I said they aren't sick so the end isn't imminent.  My reaction is to brush them off like, "Oh, don't talk like that!" but it seems like they do want to talk about it.  How would you continue the conversation?

[regentrude]

I think these are very valid concerns for older people who think about their mortality in different ways. It Is Sensible not to acquire a pet, to settle ones possessions, not to take the next year for granted. I would make an acknowledging noise and continue the conversation. I think telling them their concerns are unfounded is patronizing.  They know full well that their health may suddenly decline, and that they likely won't outlive a cat.

I would only discuss these issues further if these people were close family, as I don't find it an appropriate topic with random acquaintances

[Jean in Newcastle]

I was just talking to an elderly neighbor yesterday and she said the exact thing you quoted about a pet outlasting her.  I just nodded.  She's right.  Even in peak health she will not be able to take care of a dog throughout it's entire lifespan. 

The only one that would give me pause is the one about plans for a few months off.  It would make me wonder if there is illness that I don't know about.  But even then I wouldn't ask them about it. 

Nodding to show that I'm listening and am understanding their concerns isn't the same to me as saying "Oh you're right.  You might die at any moment." 

[Frances]

Since both my mom and MIL are actively doing the second one despite not having serious illnesses, it seems like a very normal thing to me. Personally, I think it’s a blessing when parents sort through things and pare down before they die. My dad had two shops and did quite a bit of this before his death, down to finding friends willing to help my mom sell and move things after he died. It seems far preferable to either children arguing after they are gone or leaving all of the work to the already overwhelmed survivors. So for the second one, I’d probably reply with something along the lines of, “That’s great, your children must really appreciate it.” 

I think the first one also shows a great deal of consideration, unless they definitely know of someone who will take the pet after they die or have a very good local no kill shelter with a good placement program or something similar. The third one seems a bit melodramatic to me, so I’d probably either ignore it and move on or treat it in a light hearted way.

[Alicia64]

Re: getting a pet when I'm elderly (I plan to one day adopt older pets that need a good home, although I wouldn't say that to a senior.)

re: ask adult kids to go through things: I'd respond, "you're so smart to do that! My Gram left a ton of work for my dad."

re: still be here: If appropriate I might respond, "I bet you've seen a whole lot in your life."

[Pawz4me]

How I approach those types of comments depends on how well I know the person and their health status. One size does not fit all in these situations. For example, I wouldn't hesitate to encourage a healthy 70 yo to adopt a calm, adult or senior dog or cat.

[SquirrellyMama]

That's a good question. I've had a few people say things like this recently. 

My mom was one. She said she wanted my girls to pick out some of her rings. I responded that they would love to have them. 

I had a guy that comes in to the coffee shop I work in say something about not sure he would be here much longer. Since I had just had a similar conversation with my mom I told him he sounded like my mom. We talked about it a bit more. Seemed like he just wanted to talk.

Other than that I have no clue. My natural reaction is to say "No, don't say that." But, the reality is that they might live another 20 years, although probably not.

Kelly

[gardenmom5]

depends upon their health.

the last one -  are they depressed?  and I'd just say - well, we'll plan as though you are.  

 to me - 70 isn't all that old.  (considering dh will be 70 in august,  most of his family live into their 90's and he's healthier than I am.)

the first - maybe suggest an older rescue pet that isn't likely to out last them, and wont' have the energy or demands of a puppy or kitten.   it has mental health benefits to have a pet.   an older adopted animal is probably something they've never thought about.  you could do a "field trip" to a shelter, though there are many breed specific rescues.  petfinder. com is more useful for that.

the second - people want to make plans to feel some semblance of control - so allow them to do so.   my brother kept putting my mom off when she'd try to talk to him - and he caused a LOT of trouble (that I had to deal with) after she died.

[happi duck]

*I* think that way and I'm nowhere near 70 nor in bad health!  I've experienced a lot of loss including my 61 year old sister one month ago.

People 70+ have probably lost a lot of people and maybe recently.  Ime, loss does get you thinking of mortality.

How would i respond?  "If you really want a pet I think you should do it.  There are older pets up for adoption and a shelter would probably have suggestions for planning for pet care."  "Clearing out my sister's place has been difficult.  I think it's smart to take care of things now."  "I hope you are!  Is anything wrong?"

Eta: good points were made downthread about older pets. I might now say "have you looked into fostering a pet or offering to pet sit?  I know a guy who "borrows" dogs from friends."

[Bambam]

I would say that I hope not and that they are around for many more years (assuming that was true!).

[Annie G]

Dh and I have talked to the kids about what they want. We’re downsizing and I don’t want to get rid of something the kids really want.  My sister and brother are fighting over an old shoe that my dad picked up on the ocean floor while skin diving in Mexico in 1954. Who knew they would be that attached to a curled up shoe? 

As for the rest, maybe they need to be encouraged that even though they are slowing down that it’s good to keep enjoying life as long as possible. Or maybe they just need to complain that they’re getting old. If fil or dad says that kind of thing to me I usually ask if they’ve been feeling ok lately. Usually it opens the door for them to tell me what’s going on...dad is having trouble balancing his checkbook or fil is feeling lonely without mil. 

‘Many times people that age have already lived past the age their own parents passed away so even though their health is good they are starting to feel their mortality. It’s ok to talk about it, I think. 

[Hyacinth]

I would take their lead and engage in the conversation. They are wise to consider their mortality and plan for the end, whether that's what to do with their belongings, how to plan their funeral services, or simply to ponder life's (and death's) meaning. I totally get that it can be uncomfortable, but what is the choice, really? To brush it off seems disrespectful of their legitimate thoughts and feelings. A statement like, "Gosh, I hate to think about you not being here, but I understand why that might be on your mind" opens the door if they want to talk. 

[prairiewindmomma]

“That’s very considerate of you” or “I understand” tend to be what I say when these comments are made and a response is clearly wanted in the conversation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Re.  Older adults getting older pets. That might be a good idea for some but keep in mind that many older pets have health needs and expenses (like special food) that can be difficult for seniors on a fixed income to provide. 

[prairiewindmomma]

One more thought, in a few women I have spoken with there has been as aspect of, “I really miss having a pet and interacting with animals”. If you have a pet, and a good relationship with the individual, a visit with the animal could be a great idea.

[HS Mom in NC]

I think that's very reasonable talk from elderly people.  I wish all elderly people were so thoughtful. 

No, those older pets aren't going to be easy to adopt after the elder person dies.  I looked into that recently in the SE part of the PHX area and all of the organizations for older pets were completely swamped and taking no more in. PHX is a retirement destination, so they probably have more than their share of elder issues like rehoming the older pets of the deceased/incapacitated . So if an elderly person said that to me I would nod in agreement.

When my mother (now in her early 70s and in good health) and my MIL (now in her early 70s and in poor health) had the grandkids go through and tell them what they wanted 10 years ago, I said, "That's so thoughtful. It's special to have something from a grandparent."

If someone close to me said they didn't want to make plans within the next year because they didn't know if they'd be here and they hadn't been diagnosed with a terminal illness, I would say, "We can make plans now and adjust as needed later if we need to. We're flexible." which is the kind of thing I say when someone wants to make plans but is unsure of future complications for a whole array of other less tragic possibilities.

[lavender's green]

I usually nod to show I'm listening and sympathetic, and let them talk a bit if that's what they feel like.

I don't have a lot of patience for when it's used for manipulation, though. I've dealt with way too much of that. Like "How could you go on a trip for spring break? This could be my last Easter, and then how would you feel?" Or guilt trips over inheritances. I've been treated to a lot of those.

[Pawz4me]

25 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Re.  Older adults getting older pets. That might be a good idea for some but keep in mind that many older pets have health needs and expenses (like special food) that can be difficult for seniors on a fixed income to provide. 

Then I might suggest the person consider becoming a foster for a rescue group. Instead of (usually fruitlessly) trying to adopt out old or chronically ill pets, some of them will place those pets in a permanent foster home. The rescue typically covers all vet expenses and often food, too.

[Irene Lynn]

"I'm not going to get a pet because I don't want to get something that will outlast me."   Some pets do live a long time, don't they?  Are there any pets you can visit?  If you would like a short-term pet, there are foster programs.

"I'm going to have my kids go through my things and tell me what they want when I'm gone."  How have your kids responded so far?  Or  How do you think they will respond to that?  Are they taking you seriously?  Are you trying to downsize?  Stuff takes time, doesn't it?

"I don't know if I'll still be here."  Well, none of us do.  What would you do if you knew for sure you would be here?  I'm glad you're still here today!

I can also think of some cheeky responses if the person is the right type.

[Pen]

2 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

Then I might suggest the person consider becoming a foster for a rescue group. Instead of (usually fruitlessly) trying to adopt out old or chronically ill pets, some of them will place those pets in a permanent foster home. The rescue typically covers all vet expenses and often food, too.

 

Thanks for mentioning this. I am going to mention it to someone I know. 

Some people also may have some one (friend or family member) who would take a pet on if its human could not do so any longer. 

Sometimes a statement like that could be checking to see if the person hearing it might be willing to or know who might—without the pressure of a direct question. 

[Farrar]

I think acting either like death will never come or like discussing death in a reasonable fashion will somehow bring death on are things that cause older people and families to make really bad decisions, like not planning who will get what that leads to big fights after the person dies or not seeing relatives when they're actually declining and then people living in regret that they didn't visit or... yes... making plans that make zero sense financially or practically like getting a pet that no one can care for after they pass away.

There's a line there though... some older people talk like they're going to die tomorrow when they're in perfectly good health. Dh's grandmother offhandedly talked about how it would likely be the last time we'd ever see her and she wasn't going to plan anything from the very first time I met her. She lived another fifteen years.

[SKL]

Well I would just smile and see if they continue the conversation or change to something else.

They may be privately seeing signs that the end may be near.

For that matter, sometimes I talk like that and I started before I was 50.  It's just wise to get things in order while you are here (mentally and physically) to do it.  Watching other people's families struggle with the chaos of trying to resolve inherited legal or financial issues, obligations, and "stuff" is a good warning.

[Pen]

Also it makes sense to find out things like that one child particularly wants x rather than giving x to another who does not and sends it to good Will. 

[EMS83]

Well I asked my priest (80) how he was doing today, and he said, "Well as they used to say, to get better I'd have to die."  I just laughed and nodded.  I could take that two ways, actually.  But either way, he's in good humor.  It's just a part of reality.  It doesn't need to be ignored like a taboo or hyper-focused on like there's nothing else going on and it's all terrible.

Anyway, like SKL says, it's wise for anyone to get everything in order and have a plan in place, because we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  If something tragic happened to me and DH both, we'd leave a good sized mess behind.  Need to address that, really...  My parents went on a month long road trip last year and part of telling me what all they wanted me to do while they were gone included showing me where they kept their "just in case" file.  It's sad and I don't like thinking about that possibility, such as my mind will even allow me to, but I imagine I'd be extremely grateful for the organization if the unthinkable did happen.

[SKL]

Actually my friends and I always sign a sort of temporary will when we travel regarding what should happen if we all die.  We've been doing this for decades.  It's practical.

[Murphy101]

I think when they are healthy and okay is the BEST time to think of those things. It's a real pita for everyone when they wait until they have one foot in the grave. It doesn't even sound negative to me.  It's just life.  

I talk like sometimes too.

For example, I've said for some time now I don't think we will be able to stay in this house for 20+ years.  Because stairs. Because sunken living room.  It's not disabled or restricted mobility accessible.  The last time I needed an ambulance, three men had to carry the stretcher because it could not access two rooms or the steep hill in wheels. I'm not rushing to move soon, but I'm mentally aware of it and would take that into consideration in future financial planning if I had finances to plan with.

I'm also of the opinion that stuff is just stuff.  Either get rid of it or don't buy it or actually use it. Don't leave it to be a huge headache from hell for everyone else to deal with. I already have that attitude.  It's very freeing of time and space and a gift to those you love now.

As for pets.  I love critters.  But they are a lot of work and time and upkeep.  That frankly many people just don't have as they get older regardless of their health.  When our current pets (2 cats, a dog, and a rabbit) die off, I'm not replacing them. Because I'd rather be able to visit kids and friends without needing a pet sitter,  because it's hard watching them die of old age or illness and it's hard enough watching that happen to my human friends and family, because a tight budget makes budgeting for a pet even tighter.  I *might* get a small dog if I can find one as awesome as our current one or maybe a cat and think it would be good for me for companionship. But I'm not looking for a new pet at this point.

One of the first things I want to pay for if we ever come into a substantial amount we can spare, is to pay for all our funeral expenses. My dad paid for his tombstone, casket, and plot and it still cost me thousands even without havin any services or viewing or graveside anything at all.  It's been a nightmare dealing with his estate and he didn't even have anything of major value. I will never do that to my kids if at all possible. 

[SmallTownGirl]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone!  I seem to never know what to say so mostly I'm pretty quiet around people.  But then they think I'm a great listener and go on to tell me all sorts of things.  Then I'm even more unsure of how to respond!  :-)  Your ideas are very helpful.

[gardenmom5]

17 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

I'm in my early 60s so not QUITE in the category you mention, but I wanted to say that it's less alarming to me at this stage to hear or say these sorts of things because I am NOT 40 anymore.  It's part of living in the present.  I kind of joke about it, but the fact is that it feels like I spent the first half of my life in acquisition mode (get the house, the car, the furniture, the ______ (your choice) and am now spending the second half in getting rid of it. 

 

I have an acquaintence who said "you spend the first five years of your marriage acquiring "stuff" - and the rest of your life getting rid of it.  she was probably around 30ish- and going through baby paraphernalia stage.

14 hours ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

I’m 36 and my husband is very aware of my wishes and I do have things in order.  

my grandmother is fairly healthy at 85, and the women in my family tend to live until their late 90s, but she’s been talking this way since her mid-60s.  But she was a nurse for many decades, and knows how easy it is for a healthy, active elderly person to accidentally fall, break a hip, and go into a decline they never come out of.

They’re being realistic. To be honest, I wish more people, even young and middle aged adults, would be more cognizant that tomorrow isn’t a promise.

this.   my friend's husband had a fatal heart attack in his sleep.  he was 38.