Acceptable Dating age?

[HRAAB]

And Joanne, I'm talking about what the culture generally assumes. Even as a young adult, in college and in the workplace, when I was "dating" my husband (and not physical intimate), everyone assumed (except those close to me) that we were intimately involved. My oldest son is in a public high school this year, and dating is generally accepted to mean that the kids are sleeping together ... and they usually (though not always) are. The reason we know this is the drama of the breakup and the girls are pretty open about the fact that since they were "intimate" with the guy, that meant he loved her, and she is devastated...and rightly so. This happens on a weekly basis.... and to even the "nice girls" ~ though it is not advertised as much, word gets around (though not always true)

 

Of course, I'm probably over generalizing, but all the same, this is a reality among teens. Even the "nice kids." I know what parents think, I'm a parent. "My kid is only dating and wouldn't do anything like that". I think it's naive to think they won't or at least be seriously tempted.

 

I'm defining "dating" as one on one, exclusive relationship. Not group dating and liking someone in the group. Or even calling someone on the phone and hanging out with them at a school event.

 

I teach at a co-op and though some of the kids like each other, call each other, and hang out together at group events, they are not considered "dating." Dating, in my circles anyway, implies some sort of exclusiveness

and generally is understood that they may be dealing with "temptations" ~ which is normal, but can get kids in situations they will regret. That's all I'm saying.

 

Do, I think there are assumptions about what is going on in "dating" ~ I guess it depends on the circle you are in....mine do, if not assume that, are concerned about that.

 

This is definitely what I've gathered from my older dd's and the friends they had in high school and now in college. There is the assumption that if you're dating, you're s*xually active. With dating being an exclusive relationship. It has been quite an eye opening experience for my dh and me. This is the general observation we've made.

 

Janet

[Daisy]

Age 16 is the earliest we will give it any consideration. Prior to that there is NO dating period, not in a group, not in the house, not with a louse, not in a car, not going far. NO WAY.

 

Wow, and if "dating" has come to mean an exclusive and s&xually active relationship then I hope and pray my children are married before they date, just as I was. This was never the assumption in the conservative circles I ran in as a teenager. Granted that has been quite some time ago.

Edited November 13, 2008 by Daisy

[AndyJoy]

Dh and I don't have children yet, but we think 18 will be the age for dating/courting in our home.

 

Both of us were allowed to date at 16, but both chose to wait until college. We both believe that casual teen dating is at best silly and at worst dangerous. There is no need to have your heart broken numerous times to find "the right one." We think dating should only be done by people who are in a position to be married, support a family, have kids, etc. We do allow for the possibility that we may have a child who is in this position earlier than 18 (has a job/trade and isn't going to college, for example) and are willing to consider each child separately.

 

Anecdotally, both his older brother and my younger sister have dated numerous times since age 15/16 (including 2 s*xual relationships each), and neither has found "the right one." At 29 and 25 they are still just "dating." Dh and I met our freshman year of college (he was barely 17, I almost 19). We hung out in groups until Christmas, then had our first solo date in January. After 2.5 years of dating (no s*x), we married. Though he was not quite 20, he had a degree and a job, and thus was ready for a family. We have been married 5.5 years, and are immeasurably blessed to have no dating baggage. We were each other's first date, first kiss, first love! We don't feel like we missed anything by not dating around, because we were old enough and wise enough to know what we were looking for in a future mate, and didn't have to "kiss a lot of frogs" to figure it out.

[tibbyl]

-

Edited November 15, 2008 by tibbyl

[Heather in Neverland]

This is definitely what I've gathered from my older dd's and the friends they had in high school and now in college. There is the assumption that if you're dating, you're s*xually active. With dating being an exclusive relationship. It has been quite an eye opening experience for my dh and me. This is the general observation we've made.

 

Janet

 

And it goes further than that. When I taught high school, most girls weren't virgins by age 15 or 16 (yes, they tell teachers all kinds of things we do not want to know). "Dating" (also known as "together" as in "Joe and Sue are together") definitely meant sexually active with one partner. But "hooking up" also means sexually active but not exclusively with one person...it might just be for the night. "Talking" means you are interested in each other but nothing sexual has happened yet.

 

The days where teenage "dating" meant picking your date up at her house, coming inside to talk with the parents, going to the movies, then bringing her home with a chaste kiss on the cheek are long gone.

[HRAAB]

And it goes further than that. When I taught high school, most girls weren't virgins by age 15 or 16 (yes, they tell teachers all kinds of things we do not want to know). "Dating" (also known as "together" as in "Joe and Sue are together") definitely meant sexually active with one partner. But "hooking up" also means sexually active but not exclusively with one person...it might just be for the night. "Talking" means you are interested in each other but nothing sexual has happened yet.

 

The days where teenage "dating" meant picking your date up at her house, coming inside to talk with the parents, going to the movies, then bringing her home with a chaste kiss on the cheek are long gone.

 

I feel very sorry for what they've lost in so many ways. The thing that strikes me is there is no romance. Anyway, what I call romance.

 

Janet

[Emmy]

The days where teenage "dating" meant picking your date up at her house, coming inside to talk with the parents, going to the movies, then bringing her home with a chaste kiss on the cheek are long gone.

 

But that's what dating was like for me when I was in high school - why can't it be like that for my kids? (rhetorical but I'm sure people will respond lol)

 

You know this whole concept just confuses me - I had never heard of "courting" until I started visiting these boards. I guess I have always imagined as my kids got older they'd go to the homecoming dance or out to the movies on dates just like I did when I was in high school. Which would make the age at which they can date about 16.

[TxMama]

I had told my older kids they had to wait until age 16 to date. Neither of them took me up on the opportunity....sometimes the kids are wiser than the mamas!

 

At 17 or so my oldest son had a few dates with PS girls and gave up the notion of dating. He was very frank in stating that he didn't need to waste his time with people like that! Dating nowadays really isn't what I remembered......the knowledge these young people have and the types of conversations/activities they will have/text/casually participate in is just so overwhelmingly awful and degrading. Our young people deserve better than that!

 

My oldest in "dating" a HS young lady. Dating consists of spending time with the young lady with her family present or participating in group activities so they have the opportunity to get to know each other better. As he proves himself to the family to be a respectable young man the more opportunities he has to spend with the young lady.

 

My oldest daughter has stated that she will not date. She has seen too many of her friends make poor decisions in a dating situation. As we have found out.....just because someone is HS and the family appears to be a good one doesn't mean that bad decisions won't be made. We have HS friends who are sneaking out of their family homes, doing drugs, s*xually active.....the list goes on and on. NOT as many Hs friends as PS friends but the same bad decisions can be made.

 

MY dd does participate in many group activities and her group of friends is just used to having a few parents mulling around. The young men who are truly interested in getting to know her better can do so in these situations and we'll just have to work out the details later when that special someone comes along. A few guys have been annoyed with her no dating stance but she just figures they were just the types of guys she is wishing to avoid!

[elegantlion]

My son has no need to date ever. :tongue_smilie:He's already matched with a nice homeschooling girl who is only a week older than him. Problem is that they've never met and live at least 1000 miles apart. However they are both receiving an excellent education using almost the same curriculum so they'll have plenty to talk about. I would be quite happy if he married the girl of my dreams. :tongue_smilie:

 

Dh and I haven't really discussed dating. We have talked about him doing things with a group and dates being held off until at least 16. A lot will depend upon his maturity.

[LisaNY]

This is definitely what I've gathered from my older dd's and the friends they had in high school and now in college. There is the assumption that if you're dating, you're s*xually active. With dating being an exclusive relationship. It has been quite an eye opening experience for my dh and me. This is the general observation we've made.

 

Janet

 

Yes, that has been our experience as well. My dd is a Sr. in ps, and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships include being s*xually active. It's a given.

[DB in NJ]

I just read the national average is 11-14y/o to begin dating. DD's friends already have boyfriends, wear make-up to school, and some even "date". I've never considered myself old fashioned, but this is really upsetting.

What age will your children be allowed to date?

 

11-12 years old?

13-14

15-16

17

18 or older?

 

Our children are not allowed to date; we have raised them with that concept, and they understand it. Having said that, I don't believe a person over 18 is a child. Therefore, it will work as follows in my house:

 

Boys: May date at the age of 18 or over.

Daughter: She may date when she's about 56 or until I die, whichever comes last. Of course if my dh is still living, she'll have to wait for him to come and join me before she dates any beast.

 

;-)

 

To answer your question seriously, no dating here; we prefer courtship. But each child is different, and the main concept is that they give their whole hearts to their spouses, not a heart that looks like swiss cheese. Once they're 18, the rules will change as needed.

[Tracey in TX]

We are getting the kids cell phones that have a parent-child chaperone feature. We will be able to tell where our kids are, which I think is important. If they turn their cell phones off, which disables the feature, major consequences will follow.

 

 

RC

Our former babysitters were triplet boys. The identical boys (A&B) were girl-crazy and fraternal brother © was an old soul and mostly responsible. Boys A&B wanted to date, so parents paid fraternal brother © to watch couples at movies. Brothers A&B paid Bro C off to go play in the arcade instead! Funny some of the things we've been forewarned about...:lol:

[DB in NJ]

My favorite saying: Dating is just practice for divorce ~

 

When I first heard this two years ago, I laughed, thinking this a joke. But quickly paused, and realized it wasn't (and the person that told me this wasn't joking either). The longer I have had to think about this for two years, the more convinced I am it is true. Kids just give their hearts away so easily and quickly, to then just get them shattered and dealing with the shame (of what they said or did that they wish they hadn't). I do think it teaches kids how that giving yourself away, emotionally and physically, (if they have dated a lot), that relationships become cheap and painful, and it gets easier and easier (I can speak from experience on this) ~ You also carry a lot of baggage into marriage later, knowing how you recovered from many breakups, so "I'll get over this too." and will move on to something better. Dating doesn't teach kids about restraint, about protecting the other person's heart, it generally is "what's in this for me" at young ages.

 

I know we are talking about "dating" but that term in our public cricles is generally meant to understand a sexual relationship and everyone knows that. If your not, well, that's great. But few people are going to believe you.

 

Just my two cents ~

 

:iagree: with every word!

[Pamela H in Texas]

When I taught high school, most girls weren't virgins by age 15 or 16

 

Well....if you were in an odd area maybe that was true, but for most people in most places, this is a myth people have bought into. Statistically speaking, most teenagers ARE waiting a bit. Turns out that 25% have been sexually active by 15 and 66% by age 18. That certainly isn't GOOD my any stretch in my opinion but it is a WHOLE lot less than what most people believe.

[5kidsforME]

My favorite saying: Dating is just practice for divorce ~

 

When I first heard this two years ago, I laughed, thinking this a joke. But quickly paused, and realized it wasn't (and the person that told me this wasn't joking either). The longer I have had to think about this for two years, the more convinced I am it is true. Kids just give their hearts away so easily and quickly, to then just get them shattered and dealing with the shame (of what they said or did that they wish they hadn't). I do think it teaches kids how that giving yourself away, emotionally and physically, (if they have dated a lot), that relationships become cheap and painful, and it gets easier and easier (I can speak from experience on this) ~ You also carry a lot of baggage into marriage later, knowing how you recovered from many breakups, so "I'll get over this too." and will move on to something better. Dating doesn't teach kids about restraint, about protecting the other person's heart, it generally is "what's in this for me" at young ages.

 

I know we are talking about "dating" but that term in our public cricles is generally meant to understand a sexual relationship and everyone knows that. If your not, well, that's great. But few people are going to believe you.

 

Just my two cents ~

 

There is a lot I find wrong in the bolded section. Dh and I dated and then got married. We did not have sex until we were married. Form the above statement, if I am understanding you correctly, that everyone that knew us just assumed (and you know what they say about assuming, ;)) that we were also sharing a sexual relationship?

 

I think this speaks more of the people ASSuming then the people their assuming it about.

[StephinAL]

I used to say that we would only do courtship and my children won't date until they are old enough to marry. I have a 17yo dd who thought that way until she became really interested in someone. Now I have to say that my children are not allowed to single date until the age of 18. I don't think an 18 year old is old enough to get married, but they are old enough to be considered adults, so I can't really say that my children won't date until they are old enough to be married anymore. Once they are 18 they will have to make that choice.

[TxMama]

There is a lot I find wrong in the bolded section. Dh and I dated and then got married. We did not have sex until we were married. Form the above statement, if I am understanding you correctly, that everyone that knew us just assumed (and you know what they say about assuming, ;)) that we were also sharing a sexual relationship?

 

I think this speaks more of the people ASSuming then the people their assuming it about.

 

The rules have changed since we were dating. I believe that the original poster was referring to the assumptions of dating in today's world and with today's knowledgable teens.

 

Of my children's friends ( ages 14+) who are dating by today's definition of the word most are also s*xually active.....or will soon be.....this includes our homeschooling friends who are involved in a traditional dating relationship. Dating isn't even normal.......now they just "Hook up" which is just casual s*x without the commitment.

 

A good friend of mine worked in a teen clinic and clued me into the reality our kids are living in. I thought that my kids were safe because we homeschool and their contact with those pesky psers was limited. After frank conversations with them I learned that this was far from the truth!

 

The rules have drastically changed!

[mcconnellboys]

Well, that depends on what you consider a "date". Meet a girl at a movie? I've let him do that for a while. Go out to eat with several people? That's okay, too. Go to a dance at school? Fine. But to go on an actual, romantic type of date, I still think he lacks the maturity. He'll be driving by next year and it might happen then (he'll be 17 and a senior).

 

While I think the social maturity of a child should be a big determiner for dating, I wouldn't let a child younger than 16 truly "date" under any circumstances.

[Plucky]

Our kids can date at 16, however, we are strongly encouraging our kids to wait until they've completed their education first. We believe that kids are sexualized too early and can go boy/girl crazy and neglect the opportunities of youth. Being too boyfriend/girlfriend-centered can keep kids from really getting to know themselves, what they like, who they are, etc. This the time they have to be concentrate on academics and pre-vocational/hobby interests. We are leaving the choice up to our kids, but so far the kids (including teens) seem to trust us and our opinion.

[Heather in Neverland]

Well....if you were in an odd area maybe that was true, but for most people in most places, this is a myth people have bought into. Statistically speaking, most teenagers ARE waiting a bit. Turns out that 25% have been sexually active by 15 and 66% by age 18. That certainly isn't GOOD my any stretch in my opinion but it is a WHOLE lot less than what most people believe.

 

I taught in 3 different high schools of varying socioeconomic status in the metro-detroit area and it was true at all of them. It is so common that the teens don't even bat an eyelash at it. I can't tell you how many times we have caught kds in the bathroom, classrooms, etc. going at it. Once was even a threesome under the bleachers in the gym. Trust me, it is not a myth.

[SnowWhite]

I always wanted my dad to say I could date when I was 16... he always said it depended on who was asking.

 

For my sons, (thinking far in the future here) I would like to see them stay with a group till they're 17 or so, and after that it needs to be a commitment-oriented relationship (no "dating around"). Joshua says he wants to live with us the rest of his life though. He feels really sad that he missed out on marrying me! :lol::lol:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I can't tell you how many times we have caught kds in the bathroom, classrooms, etc. going at it. Once was even a threesome under the bleachers in the gym. Trust me, it is not a myth.

 

Oh, I KNOW what goes on. However, just because some are awfully brazen doesn't change the fact that it IS a myth as 25% does NOT equal "most."

 

I think that it's really easy for us to parent in fear when we have false issues commanding our thoughts. If we believe many children are likely to get kidnapped if out front alone, we'll stifle our kids' play. If we believe most young teens are having sex despite the facts, we're more likely to be overprotective then also. The thing is that being overprotective in these ways hurts children and their relationships with their parents.

 

We really need to be more balanced and part of that is understanding that yes X is happening and we want to protect our kids from that, but we don't want to catastrophize things more than the issue is, causing us to cause more harm than good in protecting our children.

 

Understanding what really is happening in the world can help us be more balanced and healthy in our parenting.

[st_claire]

I think it depends on the kid for sure. The level of trust you have with them, etc... But I think that on average, 14 is about the right age. Our family believes in dating, not courtship. And we believe sex is for recreation as well as procreation, so we support sex before marriage.

[cathmom]

None of our dc will date before the age of 18. Once they are legal adults however, I will not try to control what they do. It will be their choice. My son just turned 19 and is living at college. As far as I know, he hasn't dated. But I know that he wants to get married soon after graduation, so I assume he is doing some looking and will be for the next several years.

[Pamela H in Texas]

One last thing.

 

I think it's important that our KIDS know it's a myth that most teenagers are having sex. What a protection for our 15yo to know that NOT everyone else is doing it. In fact, 75% of 15yos are NOT. Even for an 18yo to know that 34%, not a shabby number though not the %age I would prefer, aren't then they aren't really THAT odd.

 

Teens want to belong and to know they have PLENTY of company as a virgin is a good thing. I think it could be more problematic if they thought that they were one of only a few not having sex.

[danielle]

Dd (currently about to turn 15) can date whenever she wants. In fact, she had her first "date" at music camp this summer, when one of the boys asked her to the camp dance, and bought her an ice cream. Cute, huh? Then he emailed her for weeks, but she finally dropped answering. I felt bad for him, as he was obviously enamored.

 

I really trust dd's judgment. She has a phrase she uses--"boys on the side"--in other words, they're the frosting, not the cake. I think this is a pretty good perspective. Dd is a physical knockout, and draws the boys like a magnet. However, she doesn't take this very seriously, partly, I think because she has nothing to prove and a lot of goals for herself that would be unachievable if she got tied too early to someone.

 

I think kids get into trouble when dating (and on from there) get made into too big a deal. Even the "full monty" is not the be all and end all of life and I have never wanted dating, drugs or alcohol to be forbidden fruit.

 

My hope is that dd will delay marriage until her 30s. She will have time to explore education, a career, the world, and a variety of relationships. I am still horrified by friends and relatives of my generation who were strictly religious, had no physical relationship with their husbands before marriage, and discovered the husbands were gay. My hope and prayer is that dd will gain a wide range of experiences in the world, and use good sense in exploring them.

 

Even as a little kid on the playground, she always scoped out the scene and watched other little kids before choosing what to play and with whom. I'd like to congratulate myself about my wonderful parenting skills, but somewhat I think she just popped out with a thoughtful character. We talk-talk-talk about values, what her friends are doing, how you can choose who you fall in love with--all the kinds of talks I never had with my own mother. I think she is defining herself, not waiting for some guy to give her life meaning.

 

Final thought: around me, the kids I see having the most trouble are the kids who aren't very successful or passionate about something else. The science geeks, the dedicated writers, the musicians don't have much TIME to chase around. Something else, something positive, defines them.

 

Danielle

[Joanne]

Ok, I'm back after cooling down, a long talk with my teen and some perspective.

 

The poll question Acceptable DATING Age. I am still upset at the implication that if I answer with a non courtship response, I am supporting, encouraging or facilitating *sex*.

 

My son (13.5, always homeschooled) said that his age peers (and his cirlce is mostly, but certainly not exclusively homeschooled) do not assume dating = sex. He said they don't even use the term. "Going Out" or "hanging" is more the vernacular here.

 

I'm not going to discuss/argue how many teens are having sex/how many aren't. I personally believe it's too many but it's not as wild as some homeschoolers believe. The poll question was about dating; not sex.

 

This has lead to a great discussion with my son about what I will be expecting, imposing and allowing in the years to come. He agreed that my approach is reasonable, with reasonable boundaries and not likely to cause a need to hide, sneak or rebel once he gains or ages to complete freedom.

 

Just stating, again, that having consciously decided to allow dating does not mean I am allowing sex. It never even crossed my mind until comments in this thread.

[Heather in Neverland]

The poll question Acceptable DATING Age. I am still upset at the implication that if I answer with a non courtship response, I am supporting, encouraging or facilitating *sex*.

 

 

 

I hope this isn't what you got from my comments. I am NOT saying that any parent that allows their child to date is condoning sex. My parents allowed me to date and definitely did NOT condone sex. I still did it anyways (and I had a great relationship with my parents who taught me all the right things and trusted me). I would say that a majority of parents do NOT "condone" teenage sex...but it still happens...a lot. My reasons for not allowing dating until my son is an adult are more numerous than just not wanting him to engage in teenage sex BUT it is one of the reasons. Will he automatically have sex just because he starts to date? Of course not. Does dating increase the odds, though, in this day and age? You betcha.

 

So in regards to the OP, I will not allow my sons to date until they are older for many reasons, one (and only one) of them being that I do not want them to be pressured or tempted to give away something that should be saved for their wives.

[sgilli3]

:iagree:

 

I don't believe in parent imposed courting. I think that courting should emerge from the preferences of the child.

 

However, I also don't believe in accelerating partnering behavior. I am not, for example, in a hurry to usher my son (13.5) and his special friend on a "date".

 

I don't believe in extremes. I don't believe that dating *is* looking for a lifetime mate. Eventually, it might be. But I believe that "dating" can and does have a useful, fun function in the years before marriage. Sure, it CAN include risks but it can also be allowed with boundaries. I also don't believe that dating as a teen and beyond has to equal at risk behavior (emotional, physical, spiritual).

 

This is another area in which I depart from many who make up the homeschooling community.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[AnnetteB]

Dating in our experience has led quickly to desire :( DD was committed to the ideal of Courtship, but we were the only family at our church with that view. Our three married young people all experienced the phenomenon of having young men and ladies attracted to them because they were "different" and hadn't had their hearts broken previously. They didn't flirt and they spoke respectfully and with genuine interest. It made them more attractive. None of the three married a virgin, though they were all three virgins themselves. Early dating doesn't have to mean early sex, but it very well could.

[Tracey in TX]

Thank you for all the insightful comments. Good to know that 11-14 y/o is not the norm for dating. whew! I will encourage dating EVENTUALLY; we view it as window shopping. Get an idea over the course of many years (I hope) of the desired qualities of potential spouse. My views of desirable traits changed in 10 years.

I tried to wrap my head around courtship, but just really can't get on board with that mindset. Until my kids seriously ask to begin dating we'll stick to "you can date after you're married" reply! :)

[Lizzie in Ma]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

Thanks for writing mine out for me. :D :iagree::iagree:

[Cindy in MO]

I feel pretty strongly about the dating issue. I believe we will follow more of a courtship model in our family. There is nothing redeemable that I can find about getting your heart broken as a teenager. Passionate love relationships should be for those intent on marriage. That said we will give our dc many opportunities for friendships and group outings with both genders like we do now. But a boy, a girl, and a car won't be happening around here in the teen years:D.

 

:iagree: This is what we teach our children. Dating is for the purpose of getting to know the person you think you want to marry. My oldest (almost 19) got burned once and is much wiser from the experience. He likes a girl now and told her he would be staying single until he's 20 then he would like to begin courting her. He has lots of guy and girl friends, and they all do things together.

[Jennay]

Since I married my high school sweetheart I do believe that good relationships can begin in high school. I think we will allow "responsible" dating at 16, but with much more guidance and supervision than we received. At some point, our dc need to start being responsible for their own actions and dealing with hormones and desire. It's a part of life. I'm also not opposed to early marriage. I don't support s*x before marriage and I don't think responsible Christian "dating" will include that. I'm not fully on board with the courtship model. I want my kid's to make their own decisions and not think that everyone they might want to spend an afternoon with has to be a candidate for marriage. What courtship and dating actually mean from family to family will be different anyway.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Just stating, again, that having consciously decided to allow dating does not mean I am allowing sex. It never even crossed my mind until comments in this thread.

 

I have to agree. I think because I'm less sensitive about it though, I didn't notice the two being that greatly tied together except by one or two. That is the reason I argued the point with Heather and included statistics easily found online. And yet I do think dating increases the likelihood of sexual activity, just not to the degree most people seem to think.

[titianmom]

I'm not sure I believe in dating, myself. Going out with a group and having fun is perfectly fine, but dating implies you are looking for a husband.

 

I told my daughter the rule of 5: Not a Christian, no job, no home, no education, no-way!

 

I was joking, but she got the message. There's a lot of responsibility that goes with dating that is not taught to our kids. The point of my "rule of 5" is that you really need to be prepared to settle down if you're seriously considering dating someone. Saves you from a lot of headaches down the road. Sure, it's hard to be 100% prepared, but you should at least have enough sense to wait on obvious things (getting serious, marriage) until you are ready to settle down.

 

As a believer I believe God has someone for everyone and in His time He'll bring you together. He did for me and my hubby of 22 years.

 

Kim

[Lovedtodeath]

I always wanted my dad to say I could date when I was 16... he always said it depended on who was asking.

 

For my sons, (thinking far in the future here) I would like to see them stay with a group till they're 17 or so, and after that it needs to be a commitment-oriented relationship (no "dating around"). Joshua says he wants to live with us the rest of his life though. He feels really sad that he missed out on marrying me! :lol::lol:

 

Oh Jennifer! Thanks for making me smile. :D My DD wants to marry her brother now. I am so happy that she loves him so much. We had a rough start after he was born.

[Lovedtodeath]

You also carry a lot of baggage into marriage later, knowing how you recovered from many breakups, so "I'll get over this too." and will move on to something better.

 

I think this is a good lesson. You can fall in and out of love by choice. You can find someone else. You don't have to stay with an abuser, or someone that you have become enamored with even though you are married to someone else.

[Lovedtodeath]

And I was raised in a good, conservative, christian home. But the lure of sin and the overwhelming hormones were too much even for me. There is NO WAY I am putting my kids in that position even if they get mad at me. It's for their own good. Luckily, we have a few years before I have to deal with it but we are prepping them already for it. :D

 

:iagree:We do not allow anyone to date without a chaperone. 17 to 70 on up. There is no reason that you need to be going out completely alone unless you are planning on being sexually active.

[BabyBre]

Well, I sure wouldn't base any major decisions on a national average. :001_huh:

 

With the definition of "date" being 1 guy and 1 girl out alone together, I'd have to say not until 18 (and that's only because it's the legal age of adulthood!). Until then, group things only as long as I have a say.

 

And I don't think that's kind of long to make a kid wait, either. Contrary to every Brat Pack movie ever made, high school is not for dating. People who go to high school are children, not mature adults making considerations for potential life partners. (And, honestly, if you're not doing that, what are you doing in a romantic relationship?)

 

During the teenage years, have lots of friends over, get to know their families, and facilitate good wholesome fun. There's plenty of time for mature and healthy romance in their 20s.

[Kate CA]

Oh, I KNOW what goes on. However, just because some are awfully brazen doesn't change the fact that it IS a myth as 25% does NOT equal "most."

 

 

 

Where does your 25% come from? I am trying to figure out where you are getting this number since you don't link to anything. Thanks.

[Peela]

I have to agree. I think because I'm less sensitive about it though, I didn't notice the two being that greatly tied together except by one or two. That is the reason I argued the point with Heather and included statistics easily found online. And yet I do think dating increases the likelihood of sexual activity, just not to the degree most people seem to think.

 

Yes, it seems to me that the pendulum swings form one extreme to the other. Allowing a boy and a girl to go to a movie together does NOT equal sex, and to NOT allow them to go to a movie together seems to me to be making a big deal about nothing much- in my neck of the woods, anyway. To even call it a date, rather than just let it be what it is, and then place such a lot of energy on that word as if it is one step before marriage, is just not how I think and not how the teens I know think, either.

 

I don't promote promiscuity either and I sure intend to keep an eye on things- and being a homeshooling mum gives me more than usual control of my kids' contacts- but I do see my teens as sensible enough to go to a movie with a person of the opposite gender without going completely loopy and wanting to have sex with them and thinking about marriage. Gee, I hope they don't get too serious for a long time but I realise hormones are powerful things. The freedom of allowing some mingling is it can take the huge charge out of the situation and allow some familiarity and normality about the whole boy/girl thing.

 

But then, I dont put a huge focus on marriage either so I guess that makes me quite different from most here who see marriage as incredibly important.

[jamnkats]

My favorite saying: Dating is just practice for divorce ~

 

When I first heard this two years ago, I laughed, thinking this a joke. But quickly paused, and realized it wasn't (and the person that told me this wasn't joking either). The longer I have had to think about this for two years, the more convinced I am it is true. Kids just give their hearts away so easily and quickly, to then just get them shattered and dealing with the shame (of what they said or did that they wish they hadn't). I do think it teaches kids how that giving yourself away, emotionally and physically, (if they have dated a lot), that relationships become cheap and painful, and it gets easier and easier (I can speak from experience on this) ~ You also carry a lot of baggage into marriage later, knowing how you recovered from many breakups, so "I'll get over this too." and will move on to something better. Dating doesn't teach kids about restraint, about protecting the other person's heart, it generally is "what's in this for me" at young ages.

 

I know we are talking about "dating" but that term in our public cricles is generally meant to understand a sexual relationship and everyone knows that. If your not, well, that's great. But few people are going to believe you.

 

Just my two cents ~

 

Just because that was your experience, you really can't logically extrapolate it and apply it to society. I dated a LOT. I had a LOT of sex with MANY partners. I have been in a solid relationahip with my current (and lifetime) partner since 1993. I don't expect that to change. I carried no baggage other than childhood baggage into this relationship and had many long-term relationships prior to this one. I knew this one was different from the very beginning. Since we met I knew we'd always be together.

[jamnkats]

And Joanne, I'm talking about what the culture generally assumes. Even as a young adult, in college and in the workplace, when I was "dating" my husband (and not physical intimate), everyone assumed (except those close to me) that we were intimately involved. My oldest son is in a public high school this year, and dating is generally accepted to mean that the kids are sleeping together ... and they usually (though not always) are. The reason we know this is the drama of the breakup and the girls are pretty open about the fact that since they were "intimate" with the guy, that meant he loved her, and she is devastated...and rightly so. This happens on a weekly basis.... and to even the "nice girls" ~ though it is not advertised as much, word gets around (though not always true)

 

Of course, I'm probably over generalizing, but all the same, this is a reality among teens. Even the "nice kids." I know what parents think, I'm a parent. "My kid is only dating and wouldn't do anything like that". I think it's naive to think they won't or at least be seriously tempted.

 

I'm defining "dating" as one on one, exclusive relationship. Not group dating and liking someone in the group. Or even calling someone on the phone and hanging out with them at a school event.

 

I teach at a co-op and though some of the kids like each other, call each other, and hang out together at group events, they are not considered "dating." Dating, in my circles anyway, implies some sort of exclusiveness

and generally is understood that they may be dealing with "temptations" ~ which is normal, but can get kids in situations they will regret. That's all I'm saying.

 

Do, I think there are assumptions about what is going on in "dating" ~ I guess it depends on the circle you are in....mine do, if not assume that, are concerned about that.

 

while I don't agree that date=sex, I will admit that when my 14yo finally decides that the attention that the girls constantly are showing him is a good thing and not just an annoyance, I will probably assume that sex is a good probability. And if he becomes exclusive with someone (girl or boy; he has self-identified as hetero, but I'm open to fluid sexuality) I will assume that sex is happening and make sure he has appropriate protection.