Dilemmas of Food and in Consideration of the Other People Expecting to Eat as Well

[skimomma]

So sad I cannot find kohlrabi or celeriac here.

 

That is sad!

 

I am surprised.  I live about as geographically isolated as possible in the continental 48 and we can get it.  No lettuce worth trying to eat but plenty of storage veggies.  I grow both so I still have them in my root cellar as well.  They keep forever.

[regentrude]

The exception is plain white rice - cannot for the life of me get that stuff to taste good later.  

 

Not if you fry it in a stir fry? Or throw it into a spicy soup? Rice doesn't have much of a taste, it's mainly a vehicle for other flavors ;)

[LucyStoner]

I’m sure that is not lost if the different-eater is not making a deal of it, but I can see where it could go that way, if the cook made a nice, thoughtful and effortful meal, but one or more people do not partake of the meal but go make his or her own food. It’s not a far leap from there to the cook swearing off cooking because what is the point? Nobody is eating this anyway. Might as well have made poptarts.

 

I have a notion that something like this was actually why my mother stopped cooking real dinners. (That, plus my dad would not eat apart from watching the TV, which would not fly with me, either and was also a rule I made from before marriage. No TV on/in view of dinner table. Full stop.)

 

This is how it works here:

 

The menu is on the wall.  The menu is planned with everyone's needs in mind and we will literally plug in things the kids want on the open days on a spreadsheet I keep.  At that point, no one is going off and making themselves anything else, mostly just adjusting the components of the meal that is on the table.  If I am trying something totally new (rare these days because of time and trying to meet the needs of 7 different eaters), I can anticipate if I need an alternative for the kids and serve that up at the same time.  People are still sitting and eating at the same time.  We have little games in the table drawers we play before and after dinner.  They clean up together (I am usually exempt from that because of cooking) and during dinner, we even have a discussion format we use to elicit meaningful discussion.  None of the myriad of benefits of eating at a table as a family are lost merely because some people have slightly different meals.  Or even if occasionally people have really different meals.  

[Laura Corin]

Not if you fry it in a stir fry? Or throw it into a spicy soup? Rice doesn't have much of a taste, it's mainly a vehicle for other flavors ;)

 

I agree.  We all need Yangzhou fried rice - my sons' favourite.

[eternalsummer]

Not if you fry it in a stir fry? Or throw it into a spicy soup? Rice doesn't have much of a taste, it's mainly a vehicle for other flavors ;)

 

Ah, I have not tried either of those!  I don't stir fry and I don't make soup. (well, bean soup)

 

I bet I could do rice and beans with it, though.

[eternalsummer]

And for the record, I both grew up in a family without what you might call family dinners - Dad made dinner most nights, and we ate it, but not all at the same time or sitting together, and if some of us were sitting together we were often watching the Weather Channel (on mute) or maybe the news.  Mostly we fended for ourselves except for dinner, and if someone didn't like whatever Dad had made for dinner they made something for themselves.  

 

Similarly, I make dinner (or DD does sometimes); usually it is something everyone likes, more or less, because cooked food is tastier than uncooked food in their opinion and they're pretty non-picky eaters.  We do not all sit down at the table to eat together unless it's been a scarce day in the fridge/pantry and everyone is hungry and dinner is a particularly desirable one; even then, we don't really have enough kitchen chairs to all sit together at the moment.  We don't have a TV but I like to eat while reading the news on the computer and DD12 and DS9 like to read while eating. 

 

When I get groceries - not every 2 weeks but every few days - there is a mad rush to eat the "good" food - this would be the tastier snackish things.  What is left for the next few days is generally our standard fridge fare (bean dip, hummus, vegetables, maybe fruit, frozen blueberries, frozen burritos, etc.) and standard pantry fare (corn chips, oats, rye crackers, peanut butter, bread - although the bread goes fast).  

 

 

But: get this!  No one in my FOO or our current family is unhealthy or has an unhealthy relationship with food or lack "togetherness" with family members.  It turns out that my dad and I could watch the weather channel together at meal times, when we did eat together, and still be close.  Since the kids and DH and I are all together all day, eating is just another part of that day.

[Guest]

This is how it works here:

 

The menu is on the wall. The menu is planned with everyone's needs in mind and we will literally plug in things the kids want on the open days on a spreadsheet I keep. At that point, no one is going off and making themselves anything else, mostly just adjusting the components of the meal that is on the table. If I am trying something totally new (rare these days because of time and trying to meet the needs of 7 different eaters), I can anticipate if I need an alternative for the kids and serve that up at the same time. People are still sitting and eating at the same time. We have little games in the table drawers we play before and after dinner. They clean up together (I am usually exempt from that because of cooking) and during dinner, we even have a discussion format we use to elicit meaningful discussion. None of the myriad of benefits of eating at a table as a family are lost merely because some people have slightly different meals. Or even if occasionally people have really different meals.

Tangential question and feel free to tell me it’s none of my business, but do you have your brother’s children with you now? I feel like I missed a memo, and again, not that I have any right know, but this is not the number of children I thought were (biologically) in your family.

[KungFuPanda]

The answer is in the frozen section. But the steam-in-the-bag veggies and just zap them and serve with the meal. If you do the broccoli, turn the leftovers into soup with just a little salted water and a blender. Seriously, blended broccoli is so creamy and tasty that it doesn’t need cream or cheese or anything.

 

Sooouuuuuuppppp

[Guest]

And for the record, I both grew up in a family without what you might call family dinners - Dad made dinner most nights, and we ate it, but not all at the same time or sitting together, and if some of us were sitting together we were often watching the Weather Channel (on mute) or maybe the news. Mostly we fended for ourselves except for dinner, and if someone didn't like whatever Dad had made for dinner they made something for themselves.

 

Similarly, I make dinner (or DD does sometimes); usually it is something everyone likes, more or less, because cooked food is tastier than uncooked food in their opinion and they're pretty non-picky eaters. We do not all sit down at the table to eat together unless it's been a scarce day in the fridge/pantry and everyone is hungry and dinner is a particularly desirable one; even then, we don't really have enough kitchen chairs to all sit together at the moment. We don't have a TV but I like to eat while reading the news on the computer and DD12 and DS9 like to read while eating.

 

When I get groceries - not every 2 weeks but every few days - there is a mad rush to eat the "good" food - this would be the tastier snackish things. What is left for the next few days is generally our standard fridge fare (bean dip, hummus, vegetables, maybe fruit, frozen blueberries, frozen burritos, etc.) and standard pantry fare (corn chips, oats, rye crackers, peanut butter, bread - although the bread goes fast).

 

 

But: get this! No one in my FOO or our current family is unhealthy or has an unhealthy relationship with food or lack "togetherness" with family members. It turns out that my dad and I could watch the weather channel together at meal times, when we did eat together, and still be close. Since the kids and DH and I are all together all day, eating is just another part of that day.

I’m glad you don’t have problems regarding food/meals. You’ll have to take my word for it when I report that my FOO had a very dysfunctional interaction style and it was manifest at mealtimes. There have been bad outcomes. I wanted no part of that.

[eternalsummer]

I get that for sure, I'm just saying that you might consider that the cause of the dysfunction wasn't that the family didn't eat together, or that they didn't all eat the same thing for dinner, or that they fought over the best food when the new groceries came in.  So maybe you don't have to worry that if your family stops eating all the same thing for dinner, they'll turn into the dysfunction of your FOO.

[Guest]

Quill, do you think your husband would be offended if you added a salad (or whatever) to the meal that he made? Is this an issue for him, or only for you? And would he add vegetables to his meal if you asked him to? I'm wondering if adding an additional component to the meal to please one person is a problem from your perspective only, or if your husband is bothered as well.

 

I understand the idea that people should eat what is served to them, without complaining. We have taught that to our children. I get it! I wouldn't like it it someone made a PB&J sandwich and rejected the meal that I've made. Even so, I understand and work around the food preferences of our family members when I'm planning and preparing meals, so that everyone has enough on his or her plate that he or she is willing to eat and can finish the meal being satisfied. I have one child who is picky about fruit, for example, so we allow him to substitute applesauce if he doesn't like what is offered. There are ways to do this that don't end up with the cook being offended and without it becoming a free for all.

No, he is not offended by this; I guess you missed it, but I said this is what I often do. The only thing that bugs me some is that he does not mind if *I* want to make a salad or some veggies, but *he* doesn’t want to do it. So I’m not really getting the full perks of a night off from cooking, KWIM?

 

I don’t have any problems adapting in smaller adjustments to any person’s issue; this is how we have always operated. It’s not that everyone gets an identical plate. One kid needs more protein, for example, or I sometimes make a cheese sauce for broccoli, which everyone wants but me because of my belly issues, so I take out my portion before dousing it in cheese.

[Guest]

I get that for sure, I'm just saying that you might consider that the cause of the dysfunction wasn't that the family didn't eat together, or that they didn't all eat the same thing for dinner, or that they fought over the best food when the new groceries came in. So maybe you don't have to worry that if your family stops eating all the same thing for dinner, they'll turn into the dysfunction of your FOO.

I feel like you’re kind of missing what I’m saying.

 

I’m sure you are right, it wasn’t a cause so much as a symptom, BUT! If nobody was going to eat what the cook made, there would be (for me, anyway) NO POINT in making a meal. I would not bother. And without a cohesive meal that we’re setting the table for and gathering to eat, there is no draw to collecting up. Might as well not interrupt your video game, or DH’s fiddling in the garage or my posting on an internet board. Might as well just nosh our respective choices when and where we want. It also would be awfully chaotic if one kid was heating up a frozen pizza and one was heating chicken nreasts up in the microwave and I’m making soup and dh is grilling a hamburger.

 

I am very protective of family dinner.

[skimomma]

I do the leave-the-leftovers-in-the-pot thing.  Mostly because I am lazy.  I only have two big soup pots and one is almost always filled with the grain-of-the-week on the front porch.  The other either has leftovers in it or is ready for another meal.  I will make a vat of something.  We eat it, I put the rest of the pot on the front porch.  Dh takes his lunch for work the next day from the pot.  Dd and I take our lunches the next day from the pot.  Then I eye up the pot and decide if there is enough to eek out another meal or if I portion it out into individual mason jars to freeze for quick handy meals of the future.  There is almost always a big pan of roasted veggies on the porch too.

 

In the OPs situation, I would make pots of things I like and freeze individual portions to grab as a meal replacement or supplement when dinner is not going to work for her.  Her dh is making things he knows she does not like so I don't think it is rude to ask him to either take her preferences into consideration or grab something out of the freezer to heat up for her.

 

I too hate a cluttery and full fridge.  In the winter, I have the porch and in the summer we eat out of the garden on a more pick-as-needed basis where there are seldom leftovers.  That is when the freezer meals come in handy because often dh is leaving for work and there is not a leftover to be found in the house.  I like nearly emptying the fridge the day before grocery day.  And I very very seldom waste food.  Food waste is a hot button issue for me.  

[Robin M]

No, he is not offended by this; I guess you missed it, but I said this is what I often do. The only thing that bugs me some is that he does not mind if *I* want to make a salad or some veggies, but *he* doesn’t want to do it. So I’m not really getting the full perks of a night off from cooking, KWIM?

 

I don’t have any problems adapting in smaller adjustments to any person’s issue; this is how we have always operated. It’s not that everyone gets an identical plate. One kid needs more protein, for example, or I sometimes make a cheese sauce for broccoli, which everyone wants but me because of my belly issues, so I take out my portion before dousing it in cheese.

Yep, I wouldn't be too happy about not getting the perks of getting a free night from cooking.   I get it and my hubby is the same.  He is a meat and apple sauce kind of guy.   It isn't that he doesn't want to  make the veggies or the salad. It's that he can't coordinate more than one or two dishes at a time. Plus if it isn't something that he likes to eat, he really doesn't think about it.  When it's his turn to cook, I'll ask hey what about the veggie and walk him through how to cook it and when to start, while sitting at the table and reading.  As long as I keep him company, we get the semblance of a full meal.  Other times, I'll just jump right in and start making whatever veggies I want.  If i'm not in the mood for meat, I'll whip up a salad and throw a bit of whatever meat he's cooked into it.  

[wintermom]

I have a lot of food allergies and recently tested positive to gluten. I'm always making special dishes on the side for myself, while providing the rest of the family with healthy foods they enjoy. There isn't the need for the Other People in my house to eat like me, and I can't eat like them. We all gotta eat, but we don't gotta eat the same stuff. So there is more variety in our meals. Such is life. 

Edited January 4, 2018 by wintermom

[Bluegoat]

No, he is not offended by this; I guess you missed it, but I said this is what I often do. The only thing that bugs me some is that he does not mind if *I* want to make a salad or some veggies, but *he* doesn’t want to do it. So I’m not really getting the full perks of a night off from cooking, KWIM?

 

I don’t have any problems adapting in smaller adjustments to any person’s issue; this is how we have always operated. It’s not that everyone gets an identical plate. One kid needs more protein, for example, or I sometimes make a cheese sauce for broccoli, which everyone wants but me because of my belly issues, so I take out my portion before dousing it in cheese.

 

I think maybe the thing to do is have a talk with him, if the idea is that on the nights that he cooks, it's your "off" night.

 

Personally, I would take it for granted that on each person's night to cook, the meal will probably skew to that person's tastes and style - ultimately when you are all sharing a meal in the way you seem to want to, no-one gets their favourites all the time.  

 

But the cook also should try and accommodate things like having veg with the meal - I mean really, that is kind of basic in terms of a healthy meal for any of you.  So to me it seems like the issue is he's really not cooking the whole meal, he's leaving part of it up to you.  I'd present it in those terms if the idea is division of responsibility - the cook has to produce a meal that covers the basics, and while it doesn't have to absolutely cater to each person preferences it should take their preferences and needs into consideration.

 

So I guess what I'd ask is - why is he doing this?  Do you need to convince him veg are part of the meal?  Does he just forget until he already is focused on the meal, or maybe he gets overwhelmed?  The solutions are different depending on what the underlying problem is.

[LucyStoner]

I understand the issue with the small fridge but am puzzled: why can't you simply eat the leftovers at the next meal? 

 

Short answer: 

 

Because it doesn't work for us. 

 

Long answer since you are puzzled as to why that might be the case:

 

As indicated, we have four kids living here, a posted schedule and three of those kids are autistic. For us, that means that unexpected leftovers can't usurp the next meal plans, some of which are requests another child is eagerly anticipating. If that doesn't make sense to you, you can come here and tell my niece that her favorite Taco Tuesday is cancelled in favor of leftover peanut noodles from Monday.  It.just.isn't.done.   :lol:  Trust me, you would understand if you did that just the once. Changing the plan ain't worth it when trying to meet the needs of these four kids.  Sticking to the plan has benefits that I probably wouldn't need to explain to someone who also has several autistic children.  To fit in all the dinners the seven of us would like to eat over a month or so; I need to use all of the days.  Also, rarely would there be enough leftovers for seven people.  When we were just four people, I would leave a day or even two open for leftovers.  

 

When I was home all the time, I found eating leftovers for weekday lunch usually worked for me.  Now, I am home maybe 1 weekday a week for lunch and it generally doesn't work for me.  Most of my lunches are wedged between carpool, homeschool activities, autism-related appointments and so those days I pack myself a cold meal I will enjoy.  On my few workdays where I am onsite with different clients, I make plans to grab something with a different old friend nearby to each of the sites.  These two lunch things are pretty much my reward for spending my weekday in the car. 

 

My husband can and, to some extent, does pack leftovers and reheat them for lunch.  But he doesn't eat much for lunch, and of 5 workdays, I am guessing he bothers to eat an actual meal maybe once.  It wasn't uncommon for all my containers to go missing because he leaves them in the fridge at work and forgets them.  He likes to use his 45-minute break to study, and he will shovel *plain salad greens* in his mouth while he reads but not a more substantial packed lunch.  

 

And no one else here eats leftovers for lunch, for various reasons:  

 

Older son buys his lunch at school and doesn't wish to pack his lunch.  Learning to use the cafeteria was a significant milestone for him so I respect that.  He does pack a meal (more like a snack for the long commute), but it's pretty much just fruit, yogurt or cheese, and a roll or protein bar.  

My older niece wants to get the school lunch, and so that's what my brother usually plans for her lunch.  

Younger son and my younger niece each get a packed lunch weekdays that they have excessively strong preferences as to the contents therein.  

My brother is an adult. I have no idea what he does for lunch, and it's none of my business.  I think he either gets fast food, survives on a carafe of coffee, meets up with friends or grazes from the breakroom table at the school where he volunteers.  

 

On the weekends, we usually only have a breakfast and a dinner with a simple snack for out and about.  That's what works for competitive soccer and other weekend extracurriculars.  Weekend breakfasts and dinners are big deals in our family culture.  They often involve either hosting or being guests somewhere else, so not really the day to polish off leftovers.   

 

I plan my meals to intentionally to minimize leftovers.  When I do find myself with a significant amount of something tasty I don't see us repurposing, I'd prefer to rather pass it on to someone who will eat it than pretend we are somehow going to eat it and then end up wasting it.  I'm a pretty decent cook, and we live in a densely populated suburban area, I've never posted an offer of prepared food that someone didn't snap up within the hour.  Years ago, when I worked full-time, I had a bad habit of cooking too much food for us to eat.  I worked at a homelessness organization though so I just portioned out the excess dinners into takeaway containers from Cash and Carry and brought them to work, where they would disappear in a minute and 17 seconds.  Overcooking isn't my issue anymore.  I'm pretty careful only to have leftovers when I want the extra chicken or mashed potatoes for something else on the menu later in the week.  If we have roast chicken, kale, roast veggies and mashed potatoes and gravy on Sunday, I repurpose the chicken to taco night on Tuesday, the excess kale from the giant bunch to soup on Wednesday and the extra mashed potatoes and gravy to shepherd's pie on Thursday. 

 

Ask a simple question and get a not so simple answer.  That's life in this 7 person madhouse.   :lol:

Edited January 4, 2018 by LucyStoner

[Guest]

I think maybe the thing to do is have a talk with him, if the idea is that on the nights that he cooks, it's your "off" night.

 

Personally, I would take it for granted that on each person's night to cook, the meal will probably skew to that person's tastes and style - ultimately when you are all sharing a meal in the way you seem to want to, no-one gets their favourites all the time.

 

But the cook also should try and accommodate things like having veg with the meal - I mean really, that is kind of basic in terms of a healthy meal for any of you. So to me it seems like the issue is he's really not cooking the whole meal, he's leaving part of it up to you. I'd present it in those terms if the idea is division of responsibility - the cook has to produce a meal that covers the basics, and while it doesn't have to absolutely cater to each person preferences it should take their preferences and needs into consideration.

 

So I guess what I'd ask is - why is he doing this? Do you need to convince him veg are part of the meal? Does he just forget until he already is focused on the meal, or maybe he gets overwhelmed? The solutions are different depending on what the underlying problem is.

I think it is partly ADHD features and partly he just doesn’t think about needing a vegetable in the meal when he is focused in on the steps required to make the pork. Interestingly, when our garden is producing, he *does* think of the vegetables; I think it harkens back to his childhood and so, of course, we’re having zucchini or kale or corn, just like he grew up with. But other times, not. He thinks of meals pretty much the way he grew up with them and I suppose in the winter on the farm, there wasn’t much in the way of veggies except potatoes and canned green beans. (And stewed tomatoes, but we hate those equally!)

[LucyStoner]

Tangential question and feel free to tell me it’s none of my business, but do you have your brother’s children with you now? I feel like I missed a memo, and again, not that I have any right know, but this is not the number of children I thought were (biologically) in your family.

 

I have two brothers. 

 

The older brother has a daughter and son who I have taken care of *a lot* but who don't live with us permanently.  That brother and I have no contact beyond texting about the logistics of his kids visiting us. 

 

The younger brother has two daughters and, after 14 years with his husband, he filed for divorce this summer.  For a myriad of reasons, the most logical place for them to live was with me and my family.  My brother is a great guy but he has some physical disabilities that hamper his income potential, especially in the absence of additional education, and needs a hand to make this whole single parent thing work.  We are all, fortunately, relocating together later this year to a larger home that will be better suited to extended family living.  But we expect to be one household for the foreseeable future.  My brother has been a SAHD for 10+ years and did not go to college.  He has enrolled in school so that he can earn more than $15/hr in the long term.  Short term cost for a long-term gain.  My nieces are 8 and 10 and are extremely close to my sons, especially my younger son.  

 

It's a full house.  Heck, it might as well be an episode of the sitcom Full House but we don't hug it out like that.  

[Guest]

I have two brothers.

 

The older brother has a daughter and son who I have taken care of *a lot* but who don't live with us permanently. That brother and I have no contact beyond texting about the logistics of his kids visiting us.

 

The younger brother has two daughters and, after 14 years with his husband, he filed for divorce this summer. For a myriad of reasons, the most logical place for them to live was with me and my family. My brother is a great guy but he has some physical disabilities that hamper his income potential, especially in the absence of additional education, and needs a hand to make this whole single parent thing work. We are all, fortunately, relocating together later this year to a larger home that will be better suited to extended family living. But we expect to be one household for the foreseeable future. My brother has been a SAHD for 10+ years and did not go to college. He has enrolled in school so that he can earn more than $15/hr in the long term. Short term cost for a long-term gain. My nieces are 8 and 10 and are extremely close to my sons, especially my younger son.

 

It's a full house. Heck, it might as well be an episode of the sitcom Full House but we don't hug it out like that.

You amaze me.

 

I hope for the best for all.

[Bluegoat]

I think it is partly ADHD features and partly he just doesn’t think about needing a vegetable in the meal when he is focused in on the steps required to make the pork. Interestingly, when our garden is producing, he *does* think of the vegetables; I think it harkens back to his childhood and so, of course, we’re having zucchini or kale or corn, just like he grew up with. But other times, not. He thinks of meals pretty much the way he grew up with them and I suppose in the winter on the farm, there wasn’t much in the way of veggies except potatoes and canned green beans. (And stewed tomatoes, but we hate those equally!)

 

Right.

 

So, my dh is a bit like this when he cooks, which isn't that often.  He tends to think about whatever is the main thing in the meal, plus starch.  If he he has time to think ahead he'll also remember veg, but if it's on the fly, he forgets, and I'll say "what about veg" and there we are.  

 

But in a way this is not so bad - obviously he isn't actually against the idea of veg altogether - it's just not really a thing he is holding in mind.  So, if you have a chat about it, he's not likely to have some hatred of veg that you need to overcome.  

 

The biggest issue is probably just about the habit of thinking about it when he cooks, in time to do something about it.

[Zinnia]

I understand the issue with the small fridge but am puzzled: why can't you simply eat the leftovers at the next meal?

For us, the leftover amount is never enough to feed all of us, so I am cooking the next meal anyway. And no one is going to choose to eat leftovers when there is fresh food.

[marbel]

I feel like you’re kind of missing what I’m saying.

 

I’m sure you are right, it wasn’t a cause so much as a symptom, BUT! If nobody was going to eat what the cook made, there would be (for me, anyway) NO POINT in making a meal. I would not bother. And without a cohesive meal that we’re setting the table for and gathering to eat, there is no draw to collecting up. Might as well not interrupt your video game, or DH’s fiddling in the garage or my posting on an internet board. Might as well just nosh our respective choices when and where we want. It also would be awfully chaotic if one kid was heating up a frozen pizza and one was heating chicken nreasts up in the microwave and I’m making soup and dh is grilling a hamburger.

 

I am very protective of family dinner.

 

But, Quill, a few of us have said that we manage nice family dinners, all together, even though people are sometimes eating different things.  Do you think we are lying?  (Asked jokingly. :-) )   

 

Sure, it can be chaotic if everyone is cooking a bunch of completely different things and needs the same appliances at the same time. But with communication and coordination it is doesn't have to be that complicated.  

[Soror]

But, Quill, a few of us have said that we manage nice family dinners, all together, even though people are sometimes eating different things.  Do you think we are lying?  (Asked jokingly. :-) )   

 

Sure, it can be chaotic if everyone is cooking a bunch of completely different things and needs the same appliances at the same time. But with communication and coordination it is doesn't have to be that complicated.  

Quill, I agree with this, really, it is a false dichotomy to say if we don't eat exactly the same thing we can't have a nice family dinner. Once we sit at the table it is still family dinner, even if everyone is eating something different. There is no moral virtue to everyone eating the same thing. For those of us with food issues, we've discarded this thought long ago out of necessity. I guess the choice is whether or not changing is worth it to you? Does the meals your dh cook bother you enough to change the dynamic? There is no right or wrong answer, everybody decides what works for them. Best wishes in figuring it out for your family.

[DawnM]

My issue now is that I get home late and DH has picked up some of the cooking job, which is FANTASTIC, but not always diet friendly if I plan to stick to something.  HIs response?  "Well, exercise more and eat less of it!"  UGH!  He has never, ever, ever had a weight problem.  He firmly believes that if you just cut out dessert and exercise, you will lose weight.  

 

So, I am having to figure some things out as well.  I think I will be making some bulk things that are lighter, and freezing in ind. portions.  I have done that before and it helps.  In fact, I sometimes buy the rotisserie chicken breast, already sealed in a 3 pound bag at Costco in the fridge section near the rotisserie chickens, and take it home, portion it out in 3-4 ounce servings, and freeze in small bags for myself.

 

I also need to get a salad made every day and have extra in the fridge.  I need to start assigning someone, but the problem is, all the boys cut a full romaine lettuce into 4 slices because it is easier.  Then they complain that the bites on their fork are too big.  ARGH!  We need some lessons!  I like small pieces.

 

Thanks for starting this thread.  I need to figure some things out too!

 

In the summers, we do a lot of grilling and I will do a veggie side, a carb side, and a grilled meat.....no casseroles or mixed with cheese items.  That is how I need to do things all the time.  Then I can skip the carb portion.

[BarbecueMom]

I think one of the problems is that you want a meal completely off of food planning and preparation.  But for those of us with food issues, like IBS or allergies, there really never is a night off.  Ever.  Even when you go out to eat, you can't just hand the menu back and take "whatever's the daily special".  You have to double check the ingredients, and make special requests, and maybe even talk to the chef or kitchen manager, right?

 

DH is the weekend chef in our house, but I will always have to run interference, because sometimes I can eat X and sometimes I can't, and often I won't know that until meal time.  Or sometimes until I'm about to put the first bite in my mouth and my body screams, "Nope!!"  I can't expect DH to read my gut and know exactly what I can and can't eat, because *I* don't always know what I can and can't eat.  Usually what I can't eat is "food", and that's a tall order for someone with a normal appetite and preferences.

 

If you tell yourself you will always, at minimum, have to be prepared to supplement the meal if needed, and heating up some veggies or tossing a salad is the new normal for "not cooking", does that help?  A meal where you don't have to do a single thing but show up and eat will have to be a pleasant surprise, not the usual expectation.  The feelings over how the meal gets to the table is clouding the feelings of what happens when you all sit down at the table.

 

This is one of those, "You have to change your mindset and expectations, not other people's," kind of things.

[Guest]

But, Quill, a few of us have said that we manage nice family dinners, all together, even though people are sometimes eating different things. Do you think we are lying? (Asked jokingly. :-) )

 

Sure, it can be chaotic if everyone is cooking a bunch of completely different things and needs the same appliances at the same time. But with communication and coordination it is doesn't have to be that complicated.

Yeah, but I’m using the For Me, In My Family, Just Talking About My Own Life disclaimer. If you do it this way and it works for you and it makes you happy, knock yourself out. It’s something I am not going to do. *I*, personally, in my own life, would absolutely not bother making a nice meal if, once I had done so, barely anyone actually eats what I made. I would very soon ask why I am bothering.

 

I do believe people can do things differently and be perfectly content with the outcome. There’s a poster here whom I like very much and have met IRL, who eats dinner together on TV trays in the family room. She seems happy about it. I wouldn’t be. Bad memories of my dad staring at the TV throughout dinner. It seemed to be a point of contention between my mom and dad for a few years until she just gave up and let everyone eat free-for-all. But I have very sad memories about it. So I won’t permit it in my own family.

 

YMMV.

[Guest]

I think one of the problems is that you want a meal completely off of food planning and preparation. But for those of us with food issues, like IBS or allergies, there really never is a night off. Ever. Even when you go out to eat, you can't just hand the menu back and take "whatever's the daily special". You have to double check the ingredients, and make special requests, and maybe even talk to the chef or kitchen manager, right?

 

DH is the weekend chef in our house, but I will always have to run interference, because sometimes I can eat X and sometimes I can't, and often I won't know that until meal time. Or sometimes until I'm about to put the first bite in my mouth and my body screams, "Nope!!" I can't expect DH to read my gut and know exactly what I can and can't eat, because *I* don't always know what I can and can't eat. Usually what I can't eat is "food", and that's a tall order for someone with a normal appetite and preferences.

 

If you tell yourself you will always, at minimum, have to be prepared to supplement the meal if needed, and heating up some veggies or tossing a salad is the new normal for "not cooking", does that help? A meal where you don't have to do a single thing but show up and eat will have to be a pleasant surprise, not the usual expectation. The feelings over how the meal gets to the table is clouding the feelings of what happens when you all sit down at the table.

 

This is one of those, "You have to change your mindset and expectations, not other people's," kind of things.

Yeah, well *that* is true.

 

And, yes, I have sadly had that expectation of sitting down to eat something and then knowing it’s just not going to go well. If I proceed ahead, I will regret it!

[wintermom]

 

This is one of those, "You have to change your mindset and expectations, not other people's," kind of things.

 

Also keep in mind that your experience growing up has shaped your feelings and preferences, but there are a few other people in the house with their own preferences.  You can't expect everyone to bend to your preferences every single day or you won't be happy. That is a recipe for divorce. 

[Catwoman]

Yeah, but I’m using the For Me, In My Family, Just Talking About My Own Life disclaimer. If you do it this way and it works for you and it makes you happy, knock yourself out. It’s something I am not going to do. *I*, personally, in my own life, would absolutely not bother making a nice meal if, once I had done so, barely anyone actually eats what I made. I would very soon ask why I am bothering.

I do believe people can do things differently and be perfectly content with the outcome. There’s a poster here whom I like very much and have met IRL, who eats dinner together on TV trays in the family room. She seems happy about it. I wouldn’t be. Bad memories of my dad staring at the TV throughout dinner. It seemed to be a point of contention between my mom and dad for a few years until she just gave up and let everyone eat free-for-all. But I have very sad memories about it. So I won’t permit it in my own family.

YMMV.

I agree with those who have said that as long as the family is sitting down to eat dinner together, it doesn’t matter if people are eating different things, but I absolutely agree with you that I wouldn’t bother cooking a full meal if I was the only one who was going to eat it. I wouldn’t go to the trouble just for myself.

 

I think one of the reasons why my grandmother lived to be 97 was that she valued herself enough to cook three balanced meals a day even when she lived alone. I think it played a big part in keeping her healthy. So many people who live alone don’t do that, and I can understand it because when I’m alone for a meal, I usually just grab some quick thing and don’t put in the effort I would if the rest of the family was there to eat with me.

[marbel]

Yeah, but I’m using the For Me, In My Family, Just Talking About My Own Life disclaimer. If you do it this way and it works for you and it makes you happy, knock yourself out. It’s something I am not going to do. *I*, personally, in my own life, would absolutely not bother making a nice meal if, once I had done so, barely anyone actually eats what I made. I would very soon ask why I am bothering.

 

I do believe people can do things differently and be perfectly content with the outcome. There’s a poster here whom I like very much and have met IRL, who eats dinner together on TV trays in the family room. She seems happy about it. I wouldn’t be. Bad memories of my dad staring at the TV throughout dinner. It seemed to be a point of contention between my mom and dad for a few years until she just gave up and let everyone eat free-for-all. But I have very sad memories about it. So I won’t permit it in my own family.

 

YMMV.

 

OK, fair enough.  It just seems like you feel stuck in something you don't like, and appear to refuse to even consider suggestions of ways it could be different.  And I still think what you are picturing - everyone scrambling around the kitchen cooking as many different meals as there are people in the house - is not how it actually works for those of us who cook around different tastes and needs.  

 

I hope you find your way to what you are looking for!  :-)

Edited January 5, 2018 by marbel

[bolt.]

Yeah, but I’m using the For Me, In My Family, Just Talking About My Own Life disclaimer. If you do it this way and it works for you and it makes you happy, knock yourself out. It’s something I am not going to do. *I*, personally, in my own life, would absolutely not bother making a nice meal if, once I had done so, barely anyone actually eats what I made. I would very soon ask why I am bothering.

 

I do believe people can do things differently and be perfectly content with the outcome. There’s a poster here whom I like very much and have met IRL, who eats dinner together on TV trays in the family room. She seems happy about it. I wouldn’t be. Bad memories of my dad staring at the TV throughout dinner. It seemed to be a point of contention between my mom and dad for a few years until she just gave up and let everyone eat free-for-all. But I have very sad memories about it. So I won’t permit it in my own family.

 

YMMV.

What would this look like if 'making a nice meal' meant 'making a meal that each person would enjoy 3 out of 4 parts of it, with optional sauces, bread and carrot sticks'?

 

I don't think that sounds like a free for all. It doesn't sound like barely anyone would eat. It doesn't sound like it would go unappreciated or not be worth the effort.

 

You aren't dealing with vegetarians or picky eaters. You seem to be just dealing with some minor preferences and a fairly pronounced difference over the portioning of different types of foods.

 

You don't need to go 'free for all' to solve this... a solution might just be a short step away in the same direction as 'no cheese sauce for me' (just a bit further).

[Bluegoat]

Yeah, but I’m using the For Me, In My Family, Just Talking About My Own Life disclaimer. If you do it this way and it works for you and it makes you happy, knock yourself out. It’s something I am not going to do. *I*, personally, in my own life, would absolutely not bother making a nice meal if, once I had done so, barely anyone actually eats what I made. I would very soon ask why I am bothering.

 

I do believe people can do things differently and be perfectly content with the outcome. There’s a poster here whom I like very much and have met IRL, who eats dinner together on TV trays in the family room. She seems happy about it. I wouldn’t be. Bad memories of my dad staring at the TV throughout dinner. It seemed to be a point of contention between my mom and dad for a few years until she just gave up and let everyone eat free-for-all. But I have very sad memories about it. So I won’t permit it in my own family.

 

YMMV.

 

I get it.  I'd also not be inclined to really cook if most of the time, everyone wouldn't really be eating it and would be substituting their own thing.  If I spend an hour or two cooking, I am doing it for more than just myself.  And I also think it would get really expensive.

 

If there were serious reasons why it had to be that way, I'd make do of course - someone with some health issue or whatever.  But I think there is something to be said for everybody compromising some of the time and appreciating what they have without a bunch of choices.

[Guest]

What would this look like if 'making a nice meal' meant 'making a meal that each person would enjoy 3 out of 4 parts of it, with optional sauces, bread and carrot sticks'?

 

I don't think that sounds like a free for all. It doesn't sound like barely anyone would eat. It doesn't sound like it would go unappreciated or not be worth the effort.

 

You aren't dealing with vegetarians or picky eaters. You seem to be just dealing with some minor preferences and a fairly pronounced difference over the portioning of different types of foods.

 

You don't need to go 'free for all' to solve this... a solution might just be a short step away in the same direction as 'no cheese sauce for me' (just a bit further).

I don’t have that problem when I am cooking, though. Everyone eats the majority of the things I cook. We don’t have identical plates of food. Concessions have always been made in a minor way around individual needs from one family member to the next.

 

The main issue is when DH cooks. I’m just saying I don’t want to go to: “oh, you’re cooking tonight, honey? Okay, well then don’t make any for me; I’m just going to eat my own food preference tonight.†And then repeating that behavior most every time he cooks. It strikes me as quite inconsiderate and I don’t want to encourage that way of thinking - that that is one option; just beg off what the cook made and eat your own choice. Obviously necessary for things that are medical or ethical, but not just because I don’t love a pork chop. Because then that communicates to everyone, “Oh, well, if you don’t LOVE what the cook made, just go make your own frozen pizza or something.†This would mean almost surely everyone is eating poorer-quality choices and the cook is wondering why bother.

[regentrude]

I don’t have that problem when I am cooking, though. Everyone eats the majority of the things I cook. We don’t have identical plates of food. Concessions have always been made in a minor way around individual needs from one family member to the next.

 

The main issue is when DH cooks. I’m just saying I don’t want to go to: “oh, you’re cooking tonight, honey? Okay, well then don’t make any for me; I’m just going to eat my own food preference tonight.†And then repeating that behavior most every time he cooks. It strikes me as quite inconsiderate and I don’t want to encourage that way of thinking - that that is one option; just beg off what the cook made and eat your own choice. Obviously necessary for things that are medical or ethical, but not just because I don’t love a pork chop. Because then that communicates to everyone, “Oh, well, if you don’t LOVE what the cook made, just go make your own frozen pizza or something.†This would mean almost surely everyone is eating poorer-quality choices and the cook is wondering why bother.

 

See, I hate pork chops. But that need not prevent DH and DS from enjoying pork chops. If DH decided to make pork chops (he won't because I am the one who cooks here and I would be cooking the pork chops even though I won't eat them), he would know full well before starting that I don't want them. And I'd ask for a different thing for me, or just eat the sides. Or heat up leftovers. Why on earth would I eat something I dislike? What good can that possibly contribute to the family love?

 

Whether it is rude/inconsiderate is all about communication. If you clearly tell the cook you won't eat xyz, why would you feel the need to eat it out of misplaced politeness? It's family. Why can't people talk about preferences before cooking and make sure the cooked meal has parts for everyone? 

Edited January 5, 2018 by regentrude

[bolt.]

I don’t have that problem when I am cooking, though. Everyone eats the majority of the things I cook. We don’t have identical plates of food. Concessions have always been made in a minor way around individual needs from one family member to the next.

 

The main issue is when DH cooks. I’m just saying I don’t want to go to: “oh, you’re cooking tonight, honey? Okay, well then don’t make any for me; I’m just going to eat my own food preference tonight.†And then repeating that behavior most every time he cooks. It strikes me as quite inconsiderate and I don’t want to encourage that way of thinking - that that is one option; just beg off what the cook made and eat your own choice. Obviously necessary for things that are medical or ethical, but not just because I don’t love a pork chop. Because then that communicates to everyone, “Oh, well, if you don’t LOVE what the cook made, just go make your own frozen pizza or something.†This would mean almost surely everyone is eating poorer-quality choices and the cook is wondering why bother.

I think if you substituted a chicken breast (pre-cooked, frozen and delicious) for a pork chop every time he made pork, but ate the sides and thanked the cook, it would communicate to everyone: "If there is something that is habitually made here that you genuinely dislike, let's talk about a something equally healthy that we can put on your plate instead whenever that meal occurs."

 

Examples:

 

My dd10 has scrambled eggs every time the rest of us eat fish. (Sometimes I make them, and sometimes she does.) Dd13 has whole potatoes every time the rest of us eat mashed potatoes (if I remember not to mash them all, occasionally she has bread instead). Recently my DH made a lemon-garlic broccoli side that was seriously lemony and sour. Both kids tried it and politely asked for carrot sticks instead.

 

Neither of the kids has ever asked for frozen pizza instead of a meal. Eggs are not poorer than fish, carrots are not poorer than broccoli, and potatoes are identical nutritionally (mashed or not). DH did feel a little 'why bother' about his lemon-garlic sauce, and is likely to go back to butter-salt broccoli next time.

 

Substituting doesn't have to mean 'whatever you want' it can mean 'let's find a way to make this work for you'. You can be 'no pork chops for me please' as easily as you can be 'no cheese sauce for me'. It's ok if you want to just have a few real things you opt out of (beyond just sauces).

 

You are right that it would be a problem if you were to refuse 100% of your DH's offerings every time he cooks. You are also right that it would be a problem to allow free reign for children to childishly substitute anything anytime (and eat junk regularly just because they like it better than real meals).

 

I'm thinking maybe you want to stay far away from those real problems that are easy for you to imagine (because you lived them). It seems harder for you to imagine the seriously wide spectrum of options in between what you are doing now (eat what is served even if you don't like it) and the potential pitfalls of granting everyone total food autonomy.

 

I hope this post helps you consider those options.

[amy g.]

I don’t have that problem when I am cooking, though. Everyone eats the majority of the things I cook. We don’t have identical plates of food. Concessions have always been made in a minor way around individual needs from one family member to the next.

 

The main issue is when DH cooks. I’m just saying I don’t want to go to: “oh, you’re cooking tonight, honey? Okay, well then don’t make any for me; I’m just going to eat my own food preference tonight.†And then repeating that behavior most every time he cooks. It strikes me as quite inconsiderate and I don’t want to encourage that way of thinking - that that is one option; just beg off what the cook made and eat your own choice. Obviously necessary for things that are medical or ethical, but not just because I don’t love a pork chop. Because then that communicates to everyone, “Oh, well, if you don’t LOVE what the cook made, just go make your own frozen pizza or something.†This would mean almost surely everyone is eating poorer-quality choices and the cook is wondering why bother.

See, I disagree that this would mean that “almost surely everyone is eating poorer quality choicesâ€

 

That is not what happens in my house. We don’t buy frozen pizza. We don’t buy snack foods. We only buy food that is nutritious and that we want the kids to eat.

 

Here, all of the choices are good choices.

 

I do most of the cooking. It does not hurt my feelings if I make a big meal and someone heats up leftovers to eat instead.

 

It does not hurt Dh’s feelings if he cooks dinner and I don’t feel like eating at all or eat something different.

 

I just want to make sure my family is happy and well-fed.

 

My kid with blood sugar issues needs to eat regularly. If she waits too long to eat then she feels sick and doesn’t want to eat at all.

 

I’ve started not starting breakfast until she is up and I can ask her what sounds good. That way I don’t go to a lot of trouble making something that won’t get eaten.

 

She also helps make the weekly menus. She looks in cookbooks and writes down the ingredients we need to get. She also goes with me to the store where she can pick out additional items like maybe a butternut squash for breakfast one day, but no junk food.

 

I get what you are saying about not wanting to change the rules/etiquette about meals that your family has. You don’t want to do all of the cooking. You don’t want to eat only what your Dh makes when he cooks.

 

Okay then. It seems a little more complicated than it needs to be, but that is okay.

 

What is off putting is that you keep attaching value statements to your own requirements for eating that many of us do not agree with. I get that it is baggage from your family of origin.

 

We are just trying to point out the false dichotomy.

 

It isn’t really eat what you are served whether you like it or not or be an *sshole eating frozen pizza.

[Laura Corin]

See, I hate pork chops. But that need not prevent DH and DS from enjoying pork chops. If DH decided to make pork chops (he won't because I am the one who cooks here and I would be cooking the pork chops even though I won't eat them), he would know full well before starting that I don't want them. And I'd ask for a different thing for me, or just eat the sides. Or heat up leftovers. Why on earth would I eat something I dislike? What good can that possibly contribute to the family love?

 

Whether it is rude/inconsiderate is all about communication. If you clearly tell the cook you won't eat xyz, why would you feel the need to eat it out of misplaced politeness? It's family. Why can't people talk about preferences before cooking and make sure the cooked meal has parts for everyone?

Yes. One son hates cheese, another dislikes squash, I am not excited by steak, Husband doesn't like cauliflower.

 

Husband likes to cook steak; I'm partial to the veggies that the others dislike. A dinner of steak, baked potatoes with optional cheese, roast squash, and mashed cauliflower with butter and mint is perfectly possible. If meals are not pleasing everyone, then the issue is communication.

 

We each eat our preferred leftovers for lunch.

Edited January 5, 2018 by Laura Corin

[Dynamite5]

It is DH who wants the taste and comfort aspect of his Farm Favorite kinds of things. I don’t begrudge the boys to eat a good bit of proteins and just plain calories. I just personally don’t want a slab of meat with a side of potatoes and carrots.

That's super simple to address, then. Let your family have their favorites, but talk to your dh ahead of time (not during meal prep) about your current needs and ask that when he cooks, he adds in a roasted or steamed vegetable that is to your liking, along with a salad or fresh cut veggies. 

 

It's food. We all need food to survive. If you can feed your family the things they like and appreciate seeing on the table, surely the world won't stop if you discuss your preferences with your dh and ask him to add a fresh vegetable and a salad for you on the days he cooks. Who knows? As he ages, he may decide eating your way is better for him in the long run!

Edited January 5, 2018 by Dynamite5

[Chelli]

I don’t have that problem when I am cooking, though. Everyone eats the majority of the things I cook. We don’t have identical plates of food. Concessions have always been made in a minor way around individual needs from one family member to the next.

 

The main issue is when DH cooks. I’m just saying I don’t want to go to: “oh, you’re cooking tonight, honey? Okay, well then don’t make any for me; I’m just going to eat my own food preference tonight.†And then repeating that behavior most every time he cooks. It strikes me as quite inconsiderate and I don’t want to encourage that way of thinking - that that is one option; just beg off what the cook made and eat your own choice. Obviously necessary for things that are medical or ethical, but not just because I don’t love a pork chop. Because then that communicates to everyone, “Oh, well, if you don’t LOVE what the cook made, just go make your own frozen pizza or something.†This would mean almost surely everyone is eating poorer-quality choices and the cook is wondering why bother.

 

I think that your own baggage and history is greatly playing into how you perceive all of this. If your dh is cooking and everyone else is eating except you that does not communicate anything except that mom doesn't like pork chops and rice. As the one who cooks all of our meals, if one person in our family doesn't like something I make, it doesn't make me throw up my hands and say, "Well, I'm never cooking for this ungrateful lot again!" I just file away in my mind that if I choose to make that meal again, I will need an alternative for that person. I feel like you are assuming that your dh and your children are going to react the way your family of origin did to cooking and meal time and this absolutely isn't true.

 

Practically, I'd do the following:

1) Tell the family that you are worried about diabetes since it runs in your family so some nights you might have an alternative main dish or side dish on your plate than everyone else. It doesn't mean you're not ungrateful to the cook, but that you are trying to make an effort to focus on a specific aspect of your health. 

2. After your announcement to the family, on nights that dh cooks remind him of your new diet and ask your dh to throw something in the oven or microwave for you. Make sure it's something easy to prepare (basically heating it up) so that he's not stressed about adding another dish to his meal plan.

3. Recognize that the above solution will require you to plan ahead a bit for the nights that dh cooks to make sure that you have something on hand that he can easily prepare for you. Also recognize that if he forgets or feels overwhelmed with your request, it will probably fall back on you to heat up your own alternative food (another reason to make sure you have something simple on hand so that you're night off from cooking stays that way). 

 

Best of luck

[ktgrok]

 I don’t want to encourage that way of thinking - that that is one option; just beg off what the cook made and eat your own choice. Obviously necessary for things that are medical or ethical, but not just because I don’t love a pork chop. 

 

I guess that raises the issue, IS this a medical issue for you, as far as stomach upset, weight control, or whatever, or is it just a preference? If it is just a preference, then yes, you should just eat the pork chop just like you want them to eat the quinoa. If it is more than just preference, then you need to position it as medical to your husband and family, and explain it that way. 

[Guest]

I guess that raises the issue, IS this a medical issue for you, as far as stomach upset, weight control, or whatever, or is it just a preference? If it is just a preference, then yes, you should just eat the pork chop just like you want them to eat the quinoa. If it is more than just preference, then you need to position it as medical to your husband and family, and explain it that way.

It’s a preference. I just don’t love pork. If I eat at a restuarant, I never order pork. It seems like a “wasteâ€of calories to me; I would rather “spend the calories on something else.

 

For things that legitimately hurt my stomach, no, he never cooks those things when I am eating, or, at least, he wouldn’t make it the main dish without goving me a way around it. So, I never eat alfredo sauce, for example. My guts would hurt for days. He would only make that if I am not going to be home, or he would save out some chicken for me. (Hypothetically. He doesn’t make chicken alfredo.)

[Guest]

I think that your own baggage and history is greatly playing into how you perceive all of this. If your dh is cooking and everyone else is eating except you that does not communicate anything except that mom doesn't like pork chops and rice. As the one who cooks all of our meals, if one person in our family doesn't like something I make, it doesn't make me throw up my hands and say, "Well, I'm never cooking for this ungrateful lot again!" I just file away in my mind that if I choose to make that meal again, I will need an alternative for that person. I feel like you are assuming that your dh and your children are going to react the way your family of origin did to cooking and meal time and this absolutely isn't true.

 

Practically, I'd do the following:

1) Tell the family that you are worried about diabetes since it runs in your family so some nights you might have an alternative main dish or side dish on your plate than everyone else. It doesn't mean you're not ungrateful to the cook, but that you are trying to make an effort to focus on a specific aspect of your health.

2. After your announcement to the family, on nights that dh cooks remind him of your new diet and ask your dh to throw something in the oven or microwave for you. Make sure it's something easy to prepare (basically heating it up) so that he's not stressed about adding another dish to his meal plan.

3. Recognize that the above solution will require you to plan ahead a bit for the nights that dh cooks to make sure that you have something on hand that he can easily prepare for you. Also recognize that if he forgets or feels overwhelmed with your request, it will probably fall back on you to heat up your own alternative food (another reason to make sure you have something simple on hand so that you're night off from cooking stays that way).

 

Best of luck

Well, actually, I think everyone’s history and baggage does inform how they do things now, so that’s not unique to me.

 

I wasn’t saying I can never eat an altered meal from what DH made; that option was mentioned upthread and I confirmed that it was a good one. I was responding more to a few posters who seemed to be advocating everyone just eats what they want. Unless I misunderstood their posts, of course.

[ktgrok]

It’s a preference. I just don’t love pork. If I eat at a restuarant, I never order pork. It seems like a “wasteâ€of calories to me; I would rather “spend the calories on something else.

 

 

 

Ok, so...you expect the kids to eat food that is not their favorite, that they don't love. To the point that you feel it is an important part of family culture and won't change that rule. You want the rest of the family to eat quinoa or whatever, despite them not liking it any more than you like pork. 

 

And yet you don't want to eat the pork chops, and want a way not to eat them? Is that right?

 

Honestly either you need to just eat the pork chop they way you want everyone else to eat their non favorite food, OR change the rules so people can substitute, OR find a way to like pork more, OR find a way for everyone else to magically prefer fish and quinoa to pork chops and potatoes. Those are the only options I see. 

[Guest]

See, I disagree that this would mean that “almost surely everyone is eating poorer quality choicesâ€

 

That is not what happens in my house. We don’t buy frozen pizza. We don’t buy snack foods. We only buy food that is nutritious and that we want the kids to eat.

 

Here, all of the choices are good choices.

 

I do most of the cooking. It does not hurt my feelings if I make a big meal and someone heats up leftovers to eat instead.

 

It does not hurt Dh’s feelings if he cooks dinner and I don’t feel like eating at all or eat something different.

 

I just want to make sure my family is happy and well-fed.

 

My kid with blood sugar issues needs to eat regularly. If she waits too long to eat then she feels sick and doesn’t want to eat at all.

 

I’ve started not starting breakfast until she is up and I can ask her what sounds good. That way I don’t go to a lot of trouble making something that won’t get eaten.

 

She also helps make the weekly menus. She looks in cookbooks and writes down the ingredients we need to get. She also goes with me to the store where she can pick out additional items like maybe a butternut squash for breakfast one day, but no junk food.

 

I get what you are saying about not wanting to change the rules/etiquette about meals that your family has. You don’t want to do all of the cooking. You don’t want to eat only what your Dh makes when he cooks.

 

Okay then. It seems a little more complicated than it needs to be, but that is okay.

 

What is off putting is that you keep attaching value statements to your own requirements for eating that many of us do not agree with. I get that it is baggage from your family of origin.

 

We are just trying to point out the false dichotomy.

 

It isn’t really eat what you are served whether you like it or not or be an *sshole eating frozen pizza.

But we are not “eat what you’re served whether you like it or not.†Everyone here just eats the meal that was made. There are a few rogue issues of dislikes - this kid doesn’t like mushrooms, that kid doesn’t like shrimp, that one doesn’t like sweet potatoes - no big deal. Nobody here is forced to eat shrimp or mushrooms. I still make chicken marsala and no-mushroom-guy forgoes mushrooms. We still eat shrimp fried rice and no-shrimp guy just eats the rice and vegetables. And so on.

 

If all your family have good, healthy eating habits though there is no single dinner plan, that’s awesome for you! Great! *I* don’t know how you managed to have that. i need more order than that. That’s why that Dr. Sears grazing thing never worked for me, either.

[ktgrok]

But we are not “eat what you’re served whether you like it or not.†Everyone here just eats the meal that was made. There are a few rogue issues of dislikes - this kid doesn’t like mushrooms, that kid doesn’t like shrimp, that one doesn’t like sweet potatoes - no big deal. Nobody here is forced to eat shrimp or mushrooms. I still make chicken marsala and no-mushroom-guy forgoes mushrooms. We still eat shrimp fried rice and no-shrimp guy just eats the rice and vegetables. And so on.

 

 

Ok, so why can't you just skip the pork chop the way he skips the shrimp? Is it that there are not sides that meal that you want to eat either but the shrimp hater does like rice and veggies? Or?

[Miss Peregrine]

I'm pretty sure she said several times that her DH doesn't think of/add sides that she can eat. So she has to make it herself, which is not a night off from cooking.

[Miss Peregrine]

If it were me I would just tell my DH that he needed to include something I can eat.

 

When DH cooks he does this already, knowing I'm a vegetarian, along with dd17. When I make a vegetarian meal, I make sure to cook some meat on the side for the carnivores. We both try to include something everyone will like. Though, God knows we've had our food issues. I had an epic thread a few years ago where DH would call, ask what's for dinner and then get fast food if it didn't "sound good." :/

[Guest]

Ok, so...you expect the kids to eat food that is not their favorite, that they don't love. To the point that you feel it is an important part of family culture and won't change that rule. You want the rest of the family to eat quinoa or whatever, despite them not liking it any more than you like pork.

 

And yet you don't want to eat the pork chops, and want a way not to eat them? Is that right?

 

Honestly either you need to just eat the pork chop they way you want everyone else to eat their non favorite food, OR change the rules so people can substitute, OR find a way to like pork more, OR find a way for everyone else to magically prefer fish and quinoa to pork chops and potatoes. Those are the only options I see.

No, that is not right.

 

I would *like* for the family to all find quinoa or riced cauliflower a perfectly acceptable change-out for rice. So far, that doesn’t look likely. I offer. They may try it but don’t want rice to go away as an option, you follow? I don’t force anyone to eat quinoa. I am not forced to eat pork chops.

 

There are other things that are new in my repertoire that everyone eats and likes just fine. Due to this thread, last night I made these roasted veggies: cauliflower, carrots, yellow onion, garlic. I have made roasted veggies before, but I had a narrower idea of which veggies to use; this thread fixed that. It was good. Everyone liked it and ate it just fine.

 

Most of this post is about DH. The kids are not an issue and presently, none of them are making the main meals.

[Guest]

If it were me I would just tell my DH that he needed to include something I can eat.

 

When DH cooks he does this already, knowing I'm a vegetarian, along with dd17. When I make a vegetarian meal, I make sure to cook some meat on the side for the carnivores. We both try to include something everyone will like. Though, God knows we've had our food issues. I had an epic thread a few years ago where DH would call, ask what's for dinner and then get fast food if it didn't "sound good." :/

I think I remember that thread.