If your dh did not want to travel at Thanksgiving

[lynn]

to visit your family 3hrs away again this year because he just does not want to travel, would you go by yourself and the kids if it's something you really wanted to do if it did not mind if you went without him or not?

[gardening momma]

No, I wouldn't go without him.

 

Do you always go to your parents' house every Thanksgiving? Do you ever alternate years and stay home? Maybe he wants that. Do you alternate and sometimes do Thanksgiving with them, and sometimes Christmas (or other holidays) with them?

[JudoMom]

I don't think I would. I would much rather spend the day enjoying my dh & boys rather than spending it with my boys & extended family. If dh had to work or something, I would consider going, but I wouldn't want to go and leave him home--I wouldn't enjoy the day at all.

[lynn]

No, I wouldn't go without him.

 

Do you always go to your parents' house every Thanksgiving? Do you ever alternate years and stay home? Maybe he wants that. Do you alternate and sometimes do Thanksgiving with them, and sometimes Christmas (or other holidays) with them?

 

 

It's kind of long sorted story but part is that since my sister moved to gA (3hrs away) my mom and dad(they do things there way and will never change once they decide what that is) go there but will not make the extra 3 hrs here and it irks him, because we have to travel with 4 kids my sister does not have kids, of course there is more to it but this is one of the issues. We stayed home last year because he did not want to go and I felt kind of bad missing out on my family being together but we did ahve a great time and grilled out steak instead of turkey. It worked out. I am DH said he does not mind if we go but he just does not want to.

 

His family does not get together for anything in the past 10 years. His dad will come up some holidays. His mother passed away 12 years ago. His brother has always been selfish with Thanksgiving and it is always iwth his wifes family...period

[Nestof3]

Sure -- if he really didn't mind, I would. You could always have two thanksgivings -- one with him, and one with your family. I've never really gotten hung up about dates and such of holidays. The people are the ones that matter.

 

I think it would be great to spend the holiday with your family, then come home and have another little celebration with him.

[Plucky]

Maybe staying home once would influence your parents to come to your house for Thanksgiving periodically. Surely they'll miss the grandkids.

[Nestof3]

I read your other post. Now, I feel differently. I would hate to have to drive to my husband's parents house every year for Thanksgiving. I didn't realize it was a normal thing.

 

My husband's parents are the same way -- want others to come to them rather than travel.

 

I honestly don't blame him for not wanting to travel every year. Maybe he just wants a low-key, lounge-around-the-house holiday?

[lynn]

Maybe staying home once would influence your parents to come to your house for Thanksgiving periodically. Surely they'll miss the grandkids.

 

In a perfect Leave it to Beaver World. They do what they do and what they want when they want to do it. It's not a matter of loving someone more or less it's just how much driving how much will it cost etc.

[Guest janainaz]

I would. If I really really wanted to go and my kids did as well, I would do it. But......I would beg and plead and bargain with my husband to join us!

[Stacia]

Sure, I would go & have a great time. :001_smile:

[Kari C in SC]

If he really doesn't care, then I would go. Several years ago, my mom really wanted to go visit my sister and her kids for Thanksgiving. My mom doesn't drive and had planned to take a bus. My dh told me to take my mom and the kids to visit. We had a nice visit and he had a nice day of fishing with no guilt.

[Chris in VA]

We stay home each and every Thanksgiving, and some of my relatives just don't get that. They want us to drive 10 hours to my mom's, and have TG there. No one seems to honor our reasons to stay put.

We stay because dh trades doing the TG service with doing the Christmas Day service (he's a priest) so that he can have Christmas morning at home. Our assistant doesn't have kids, so she does the Christmas Day service. This family time is extremely important to us, and I am sick and tired of being asked to justify it.

 

I would never expect anyone to travel on TG if it were to or from this area. Honestly, it is the biggest traffic jam you can possibly imagine. We left here one year when we were in Seminary--it took about 3 hours just to leave the city. But I guess in your case, it would depend on the drive.

 

I also am a big proponent of setting up one's own traditions for the holidays, and I don't expect my extended family to always join us. It would be nice if everyone could get together some times, but in my family it's best at other times.

 

I say stay home. You can see your family other times. I wouldn't expect an elderly couple to drive 6 hours, either (tho my own, 76 and 75 yr old parents drive 10 hours to my sil's house every year). I don't think it's good for a marriage to spend important times apart. ON the other hand, you did stay home last year. I think your husband should bend on this one.

[abbeyej]

I think you should go. Tell your dh, "I stayed home last year, and this year I would like to go. It's very important to me. I would love it if you come, but I'll understand if you choose to stay home."

 

It sounds like family and holidays just aren't very important to him. But they are to you. And since you *didn't* make him travel last year, you should get to go spend time with your family this year.

 

But you know, 3 hours doesn't even really count as "travel" in my mind. ;)

[Heather in Neverland]

Just another viewpoint...in my family, it is understood that the children travel to see the parents. It is considered a "respect of elders" issue. My mom and dad and us kids drove 12 hours to see my grandma every Christmas. Asking that she drive 12 hours to see us was unthinkable. Now that she is gone, my brothers and I go to my mom's for holidays. It is just understood, not a matter of my mom being stubborn.

 

I understand that your dh is irritated that you are expected to drive to your family every year but if he is not working or not restricted from going in some way and is just not going in order to make a point or because he does not feel like going...and he doesn't mind if you go...and if you want to go...then go.

 

Sometimes we do some things we don't feel like doing (like driving three hours) for the greater good (harmony in the family). If you and your dh are miserable every time you visit then it is a different story. But if you enjoy your time with your family then what's three hours?

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I have taken the kids on holiday to where my family of origin lives. Usually we go in spring or summer, but last year we went for Thanksgiving. DH did not accompany us & spent the day w/his extended family. No complaints from anyone. We may do it again this year.

[Tracey in TX]

No. I don't mind traveling short distances (less than 6hrs) w/o DH, but love Thanksgiving. It's "my" holiday and we are begrudgingly attending a family function 13 hrs away. I love cooking the whole meal and waiting on my family. When we go to someone else's home it just isn't the same.

[gardening momma]

I say stay home. You can see your family other times. I wouldn't expect an elderly couple to drive 6 hours, either (tho my own, 76 and 75 yr old parents drive 10 hours to my sil's house every year). I don't think it's good for a marriage to spend important times apart. ON the other hand, you did stay home last year. I think your husband should bend on this one.

:iagree: Either stay home with him, or get him to bend. Have you visited your parents any other time this year, or plan to before the year is out? That would influence my decision.

[*********]

It's kind of long sorted story but part is that since my sister moved to gA (3hrs away) my mom and dad(they do things there way and will never change once they decide what that is) go there but will not make the extra 3 hrs here and it irks him, because we have to travel with 4 kids my sister does not have kids, of course there is more to it but this is one of the issues. We stayed home last year because he did not want to go and I felt kind of bad missing out on my family being together but we did ahve a great time and grilled out steak instead of turkey. It worked out. I am DH said he does not mind if we go but he just does not want to.

 

If it were me, I would have a talk with my husband about the situation when we had a few quite moments, when we were both not overly stressed. I would want to know how he really felt about me going without him. If it genuinely would not bother him for me to take the kids and go without him, then I might consider going. However, if he would really rather that we all stay home, then I would not go.

[jamnkats]

I think you should go. Tell your dh, "I stayed home last year, and this year I would like to go. It's very important to me. I would love it if you come, but I'll understand if you choose to stay home."

 

It sounds like family and holidays just aren't very important to him. But they are to you. And since you *didn't* make him travel last year, you should get to go spend time with your family this year.

 

But you know, 3 hours doesn't even really count as "travel" in my mind. ;)

 

I agree, assuming these are your feelings. I don't do things because of expectations or societal norms. I do them because *I* decide to do them (for whatever reason). Follow your heart and you can't go wrong.

[Annie G]

My sister has been doing that for 30 years. It works fine for their family. For me, Thanksgiving is just a meal...if dh truly doesn't mind if you go, I see nothing wrong with going without him. It's not like he's missing a 50th wedding anniversary or something...another Thanksgiving will roll around this same time next year.

[Melissa in FL]

I wouldn't go. Weekends are usually full of stuff we have to get done combined with trying to play a few games with the kids. Holidays are always a time for just spending time as a family. They are days my dh has nothing else on the calendar to do. I love cooking a big dinner for all of us, the kids love to just play games all day long. Either of our families are welcome to visit and eat with us, but we stay home. I can't even imagine spending any holiday without dh.

 

OTOH, we are homeschoolers, we are flexible. I would pick a different weekend and go for a few days (or even a week) with me and the kids to visit family. That way it wouldn't be breaking up the family for a holiday, but my kids would still get time to spend with the folks. It would be a day when grandma could spend time with the kids instead of cooking too. I'm also sure there would be way less traffic on any other weekend. Would this work for your family?

Melissa

[Remudamom]

Go before or later and spend the day at home.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Well, Thanksgiving as a holiday doesn't really mean a lot to my husband and me, so if seeing my family was important I would do it. Does that make sense? I wouldn't feel like I was missing out on spending a special day with my husband because I don't feel like Thanksgiving is a really special day.

 

I guess it depends on your view of the day. :) I'd say go if he's sincere on not minding you doing whatever you want.

[kalanamak]

Sure -- if he really didn't mind, I would. You could always have two thanksgivings -- one with him, and one with your family. I've never really gotten hung up about dates and such of holidays. The people are the ones that matter.

 

I think it would be great to spend the holiday with your family, then come home and have another little celebration with him.

 

:iagree:

 

And big family get togethers will make memories for your kids.

[Erica in PA]

No, I would try to work it out so that my dh would go with us. I'd try to work with him to come up with a solution that would work well for both of us. (For example, maybe the visit can be shorter, to accommodate dh. Or you could do the driving. Or you could stop on the way home the next day and do something fun that he wants to do, etc. Something that makes it more enjoyable for him.) To me, simply going without him would just be putting a band aid on the problem. And I wouldn't want to split up our immediate family on a holiday. Ultimately, if my husband really wanted our family to stay at home together for the holidays, I would honor that.

 

Erica

[Danestress]

To me, it's important to see them. They aren't getting any younger. And I believe that in most situations, when you are married, you have a duty to that set of parents and you go and see them whether you "feel like it" or not.

 

But not necessarily at any particular holiday.

 

If you see them periodically and they won't be especially upset, I would rather skip TG with them than leave my DH. I think when you are working, having four days around the house seems SOOOOO nice, and I would want to indulge him that if you can see them other times or they could travel to you. But if your DH never wants to visit them, I think he needs to think about what other people want, not just himself. Of course, at other times of the year, leaving him wouldn't be a big deal.

[Cheryl in NM]

His brother has always been selfish with Thanksgiving and it is always iwth his wifes family...period

 

Please forgive me, but how is his brother's situation any different than his? Your sister-in-law insists that they spend Tgiving with her family and you insist that your Dh spend Tgiving with your family. I'm really not trying to be rude here.

 

It sounds like your parents and your sister are just being controlling and manipulative. I can see that your parents live at a halfway point between you and your sister, do I have that right? But, occassionally they could drive to your place and you could drive to your sister's. Occassionally, you could have your Tgiving with your Dh and kids at your house. It is wrong for your parents and sister to get in the middle of your marriage. I would respect my Dh in this manner. He's spent how many years traveling to your family's because they can't be bothered to travel to your place. Now if there's more give and take in this relationship than you've post here then that's another story. Your place is by your husband; it doesn't sound like he's being unreasonable.

[PollyOR]

:glare:I'm the spouse that didn't go last year. DH and his family we're not happy about it! (short explanation - the dog got sprayed by a skunk :D and we were supposed to bring her with us)

 

We spend EVERY Thanksgiving with DH's parents and his siblings. Personally, I think it is selfish of his mother to expect. What about the in-laws?

 

We're staying home this year and having Thanksgiving with our married daughter. DH's compromise - he is going to take the kids the day after to visit with cousins. We see them often in addition to having a huge family reunion every July for MIL's birthday, so I don't feel bad about skipping Thanksgiving.

 

I should stop before my frustration gets out of hand. Let's just say, Thanksgiving has become a real thorn in my side!

 

Good luck with your decision.

[Vida Winter]

No way would I go without my husband. We'd celebrate right here at home, without any extended family. [And we love our families].

 

In fact my husband has to work on Thanksgiving so we're just going to get a few festive things from the grocery, have a mini-TG the day before, and call it good. No big Thanksgiving meals for us this year. He gets the day off on Christmas, we'll plan something special then.

 

I am so glad to not be wrapped up in what you "have to do" on holidays.

[lynn]

Please forgive me, but how is his brother's situation any different than his? Your sister-in-law insists that they spend Tgiving with her family and you insist that your Dh spend Tgiving with your family. I'm really not trying to be rude here.

 

It sounds like your parents and your sister are just being controlling and manipulative. I can see that your parents live at a halfway point between you and your sister, do I have that right? But, occassionally they could drive to your place and you could drive to your sister's. Occassionally, you could have your Tgiving with your Dh and kids at your house. It is wrong for your parents and sister to get in the middle of your marriage. I would respect my Dh in this manner. He's spent how many years traveling to your family's because they can't be bothered to travel to your place. Now if there's more give and take in this relationship than you've post here then that's another story. Your place is by your husband; it doesn't sound like he's being unreasonable.

 

 

To clarify, we have hardly spent any holidays with my family. We have always lived 13+ hours away. My sister just moved to GA,10 hrs from my parents, 3 years ago. The first year we all went, last year we did not go, and this year is up in the air. All my siblings have moved 10+ hrs from home and mother just feels my sis has the room and will not cause hardships on my other 2 sisters because they do not have to travel the 3 hrs to my house from there. It's mother's catering to my oldest sis who never has time or money to do much. It pretty much is the only time we get to see my parents. Sounds a little messed up but I dont' exactly have the perfect family with the perfect parents that are really into their grandkids. The never forget a birthday and send them individual Christmas cards and on occassion Easter or halloween cards. They talk to the kids when they call etc.

[lynn]

To me, it's important to see them. They aren't getting any younger. And I believe that in most situations, when you are married, you have a duty to that set of parents and you go and see them whether you "feel like it" or not.

 

But not necessarily at any particular holiday.

 

If you see them periodically and they won't be especially upset, I would rather skip TG with them than leave my DH. I think when you are working, having four days around the house seems SOOOOO nice, and I would want to indulge him that if you can see them other times or they could travel to you. But if your DH never wants to visit them, I think he needs to think about what other people want, not just himself. Of course, at other times of the year, leaving him wouldn't be a big deal.

 

That's also part of it. I do not see them often. They do not travel like the use to. My dd does not travel well so 13 hours in a car with her just does not work. I did see them a couple days this past August when they went to my sisters house on the way to New england but they had no time to come by our home.

[Nestof3]

That's also part of it. I do not see them often. They do not travel like the use to. My dd does not travel well so 13 hours in a car with her just does not work. I did see them a couple days this past August when they went to my sisters house on the way to New england but they had no time to come by our home.

 

Just two more questions. First, what about your husband's family? Are they alive, does your family ever spend holidays with them?

 

Second, I see your parents traveled to New England. Was this a pleasure trip or more necessary thing?

 

Another poster mentioned the always spending time with parents at holidays because of honor. I understand that, but I also think that honor within marriage is important, and if one of the adults wants to stay home for a quiet holiday, that should be respected too.

 

Until grandparents/parents are too old to travel, I see no reason why they shouldn't be the ones to travel. Their lives are usually far simpler. From my experience, too many of them just get in their ruts and cannot imagine leaving their television schedule or varying at all from their daily norm. I see so many older people just shrivel up from boredom and regularity. I think it would do them some good to vary things a little.

[lynn]

Just two more questions. First, what about your husband's family? Are they alive, does your family ever spend holidays with them?

 

Second, I see your parents traveled to New England. Was this a pleasure trip or more necessary thing?

 

Another poster mentioned the always spending time with parents at holidays because of honor. I understand that, but I also think that honor within marriage is important, and if one of the adults wants to stay home for a quiet holiday, that should be respected too.

 

Until grandparents/parents are too old to travel, I see no reason why they shouldn't be the ones to travel. Their lives are usually far simpler. From my experience, too many of them just get in their ruts and cannot imagine leaving their television schedule or varying at all from their daily norm. I see so many older people just shrivel up from boredom and regularity. I think it would do them some good to vary things a little.

 

His dad is living and visits us a couple weeks a year. Sometimes it's Christmas sometimes not. His siblings all have seperate lives and no one makes efforts to get together for anything any more.

 

#2. The get my brothers children every summer, fly them down drive them up(the short of this, their dad is in jail so my parents gets his girls, who live in CT to bring them to visit their dad in FL). They do this every summer it's a vacation trip for them after they drop the girls off for they visit my mothers sisters and brothers while there.

[Jennifer3141]

I'd stay home this year but begin negotiating with DH for next Thanksgiving if it's important to you.

 

Jen

[JFSinIL]

I'd stay home and make my own family Thanksgiving dinner. Then I'd plan on driving over the next day and spending time with them.

[Ellie]

You know, if he truly does not mind--and you're SURE that he truly doesn't mind--yes, I'd say go. It's just one holiday. You'll be home for Christmas (and the other 300+ days in the year).

[Jacquelyn in NC]

I travel 12 hours to spend the holidays with my family or in-laws. Honestly, three hours isn't too much of a trip. Could you have a Thanksgiving brunch/early celebration together, then travel in the afternoon to see the rest of your family? We used to do this for Christmas when we lived closer to relatives.

 

This would give you the best of both worlds -- time together with your immediate family, then some time with your extended family. You could spend the night and come home the next day and still have the holiday week-end with your dh. Sometimes a compromise works best.

[Cheryl in NM]

To clarify, we have hardly spent any holidays with my family. We have always lived 13+ hours away. My sister just moved to GA,10 hrs from my parents, 3 years ago. The first year we all went, last year we did not go, and this year is up in the air. All my siblings have moved 10+ hrs from home and mother just feels my sis has the room and will not cause hardships on my other 2 sisters because they do not have to travel the 3 hrs to my house from there. It's mother's catering to my oldest sis who never has time or money to do much. It pretty much is the only time we get to see my parents. Sounds a little messed up but I dont' exactly have the perfect family with the perfect parents that are really into their grandkids. The never forget a birthday and send them individual Christmas cards and on occassion Easter or halloween cards. They talk to the kids when they call etc.

 

Okay, I stand corrected. Why doesn't your Dh want to travel this year? Does he get along with your family? Maybe that's the problem. I still wouldn't place my mother and siblings above my husband. Even if your Dh says to take the kids and go and it won't bother him, would it bother you? Is that really how you want your marriage to work? What about a year that you don't want to go someplace and he takes the kids and goes? Just food for though.

[Woodland_Mom]

I think I would try to convince him to go, especially if it was something I really wanted to do! If he didn't want to go, I guess I would ask him (very nicely) to call the family and explain why we would not be joining them for Thanksgiving. Blessings to you this Thanksgiving.

[Kathy in MD]

To clarify, we have hardly spent any holidays with my family. We have always lived 13+ hours away. My sister just moved to GA,10 hrs from my parents, 3 years ago. The first year we all went, last year we did not go, and this year is up in the air. All my siblings have moved 10+ hrs from home and mother just feels my sis has the room and will not cause hardships on my other 2 sisters because they do not have to travel the 3 hrs to my house from there. It's mother's catering to my oldest sis who never has time or money to do much. It pretty much is the only time we get to see my parents. Sounds a little messed up but I dont' exactly have the perfect family with the perfect parents that are really into their grandkids. The never forget a birthday and send them individual Christmas cards and on occassion Easter or halloween cards. They talk to the kids when they call etc.

 

Am I right that your dh doesn't want to spend ANY holiday with your family? I'm sorry, but I think he needs to give on at least one so you can see the bulk of your family at one time. Family get togethers can be so much fun! And if it's only a 3 hour drive one way, he doesn't even need to spend the night. If he's not comfortable with large groups, let him bring his books to read and let him find a quiet corner. That's what my dh does, and because it's an 11 to 13 hour drive to my family's, dh has several days he has to keep himself occupied.

 

BTW, because of of my dh's dislike for large family gathering, I gave up going home for 2 of our 3 big celebrations. But because he loves me (and I insisted ;) ), he suffers through one holiday/year. We see his family at other times, but more rarely because of the distance (airline tickets required).

[BabyBre]

to visit your family 3hrs away again this year because he just does not want to travel, would you go by yourself and the kids if it's something you really wanted to do if it did not mind if you went without him or not?

 

 

Absolutely not! Dh should come before your parents. My dh is similar, he hates traveling. As a firefighter, he often works holidays so I would never leave him by choice. Oh, and what I wouldn't give to have a quiet Thanksgiving dinner with just the five of us! Sounds heavenly!

 

Go see your parents before/after the holiday or arrange two Thanksgiving dinners (we end up doing this a lot with dh's schedule).

[unsinkable]

Sure -- if he really didn't mind, I would. You could always have two thanksgivings -- one with him, and one with your family. I've never really gotten hung up about dates and such of holidays. The people are the ones that matter.

 

I think it would be great to spend the holiday with your family, then come home and have another little celebration with him.

 

Great advice. I totally agree.

[Sharon H in IL]

I'd go. Homeschoolers can celebrate holidays anytime.

 

I don't think I'd be upset at him not going, either. I understand his position. And I know what it's like to have older relatives who just don't feel like doing anything other than what they want to do. You still love them. Just like the ornery husband who's staying home. ;)

 

Go if you want to, with a happy heart. Then come home refreshed, with a happy heart.