5 yr old girl hair, claims hair hurts, looks unkempt

[MedicMom]

My DD4 has a very sensitive scalp and always has. She cannot tolerate anything in her hair and only mildly tolerates brushing. We keep it short with bangs.

 

She's my only daughter, and I do get a little jealous when I see girls with adorable braids or pigtails. But it is what it is.

[justasque]

Make sure you have the proper tools for her style of hair.  

I can't speak to curly girl tools - if she has curly hair speak to a professional who knows curly hair well.

If she has straight hair, consider the following:

--Use conditioner, generously.

--Get a wide-toothed comb.  The widest-tooth comb you can find.  Something like this.

--When the hair is wet and has been conditioned, start combing.  Gently comb the very bottom half-inch of the hair, all the way around.  Then comb around again, starting a half-inch farther up.  The comb should glide through gently.  

--If you come across a tangle, don't try to pull the comb through it.  Instead, start again at a point lower than the tangle, and move up in ever-so-small amounts to gently work through the tangle.

--Remember, this is using a very-wide-toothed comb.  Once you have finished, if you feel it's necessary, you can go back and use a finer-toothed comb.  But not a lot finer.  

 

The whole idea of the comb is to avoid the pulling action of a brush, especially on wet hair.

The wide teeth make it easier for the comb to go through the hair without pulling.

The reason for starting at the very bottom, combing out only a small amount at the ends of the hair, is that you won't make any tangles worse, so you can minimize any pulling to get through them.

 

[Tap]

DD10 used to like the Wet Brush but now prefers the Ultra Smooth.  I got it at Ulta but it is probably cheaper somewhere else.  The little rubber bristles are very soft and are varying lengths so they break up tangles with less tugging.

[luuknam]

My approach to the issue is that if you whine about it hurting when I'm trying to brush it very gently (and hence, slowly), then there's no point in me being slow and gentle and I'll just switch to get-it-done, which, for the record, is generally like 10 seconds or so. 

[maize]

My approach to the issue is that if you whine about it hurting when I'm trying to brush it very gently (and hence, slowly), then there's no point in me being slow and gentle and I'll just switch to get-it-done, which, for the record, is generally like 10 seconds or so.

This depends on the hair type. My oldest dd has hair that does not tangle too badly and can be brushed out fairly quickly.

 

My 2nd dd...well, she got her mama's hair. I now know why my mom kept my hair cut short through most of my childhood! Masses of hair and it tangles and ties itself into knots left and right. 10 seconds of vigorous brushing might untangle a half inch section...

 

She let me trim it recently, I'm still working on convincing her that a short cut is a really, really good idea.

Edited April 28, 2017 by maize

[luuknam]

This depends on the hair type. My oldest dd has hair that does not tangle too badly and can be brushed out fairly quickly.

 

 

Right. I was assuming hair at about the length in the OP's picture and roughly the same type of hair as well. Of course, if OP's daughter's hair is super curly or something, then that wouldn't work.

[kitten18]

This depends on the hair type. My oldest dd has hair that does not tangle too badly and can be brushed out fairly quickly.

 

My 2nd dd...well, she got her mama's hair. I now know why my mom kept my hair cut short through most of my childhood! Masses of hair and it tangles and ties itself into knots left and right. 10 seconds of vigorous brushing might untangle a half inch section...

 

She let me trim it recently, I'm still working on convincing her that a short cut is a really, really good idea.

My dd's hair "jumps" into knots.  As you pull the brush through, the bottom literally bounces up into a knot.  Oh, and she has a super sensitive scalp too.

 

Looking at her hair you wouldn't think it's such a problem.  It's thick and pretty much straight, just a little wave but it tangles super bad.

 

 

As was mentioned earlier in the thread, the best thing to happen to my DD's hair was to go to ballet 5-6 days/week.  Then she started getting it completely done every day and it became much more manageable.  

And when she started doing her own bun...that was an awesome day for me.   :lol:

 

Even now (she's 13) we still have problems sometimes.  For Nutrcracker this year she had ringlet curls.  On the last night we didn't brush them out and pull her hair back before bed.  I spent 1.5 hours the next day getting tangles out   :huh:

[Mergath]

I would do a pixie cut. My dd hates having her hair brushed or styled in any way and prefers to keep it short. She looks super cute and she can take care of it independently. Win-win.

[ktgrok]

I wanted to add that while the style you posted is adorable, it would be torture for a girl with a sensitive scalp.

 

I think you need to lower you expectations a bit and go for something like a cute simple bob with bangs. And again, always use the detangling spray.

 

Yup. My DD hates having her hair "done" and will pull any barrettes, etc out. So we just keep it in a short bob with bangs. Not worth the fight. 

 

This is DD. 

[ktgrok]

I would use a wide tooth comb and lots of conditioner and try combing it in the bath/shower after shampooing. 

 

Yes, we have to do this as well. The tangles aren't bad, but she's sensitive, so this is the only way to do it without tears. 

 

Also, do NOT use kid's conditioner. It sucks. Use grown up conditioner. I've found the Kirkland one is actually the absolute best for this. Works better than anything we've tried. 

[Mergath]

 

Here's mine with her pixie cut. I love short haircuts. They're the cutest thing ever, and they're so great for girls with sensitive scalps.

[winterbaby]

Mine has had similar issues and had the real short bob for a long time.

 

A lot of the practical advice given about conditioner etc. is sound. I would also add, comb before washing. Water doesn't make things any less tangly so making sure it's already not tangled gives you a head start. Also, teach that it's not necessary to pile hair on the head and scrunch it all around to get clean. You can wash the scalp/roots perfectly well while the rest of the hair hangs normally. That's how I kept my own very long hair near-perfect for a lot of years. These steps are especially important if once you get into the tween/teen years oily hair or skin rules out using so much conditioner. But at this age with this much of an issue I would just keep it short.

[Janeway]

We did a few months of OT last year. Something I learned is that often it's the light touches on the surface of the skin that are painful to sensitive kids, whereas deep pressure often feels good. If you have to do light pressure (such as brushing), sometimes it's easier on the kid if you give them deep pressure first. Maybe a gentle scalp massage. If you google OT blogs or pinterest you might get other ideas. I don't have a lot of practical experience because my older kids are boys and my daughter is a baby with wispy hair that doesn't need brushing yet!

 

Tangential story about deep vs light pressure: before we did OT or got the Asperger's diagnosis, my kiddo, then 4, sliced his forehead open and had to get stitches. He was very freaked out and had to be put to sleep for it. A week or two later the stitches had to be removed, but of course you don't put a kid under for simple stitch removal, no matter how freaked out they are. The pediatrician (not our normal one) was getting exasperated with us, the parents! "Sorry lady, but I'm not the one coming after a little kid's forehead/eye area with pliers and scissors," is the rebuttal I thought of after the fact. We were truly doing the best we could. Then kiddo made a strange request: he wanted DH to lay on top of him. DH did, and kiddo was able to hold still and get the procedure over with. A year later once we had our diagoses and I was doing a lot of reading about them, it all clicked together. Getting stitches or stitch removal done involves very light surface pressure, which is highly uncomfortable for some people, even those without sensory problems. Kiddo was smart enough to know that he needed deep pressure to cope with the light pressure (and all his emotions). Even if it came in the form of 200 lbs of DAD on top of him.

 

This isn't to say that there is something "wrong" with your daughter or that she needs professional evaluations - not at all! But I think a lot of people can benefit from deep pressure if light pressure is in any way irritating to them.

 

Also, sometimes a change in the person in charge of hair can help. My childhood hair required a lot of care and I definitely had my favorite relatives when it came to brushing!

Thank you!! I think I will see if she would like scalp massages and work on this from a sensory point of view.

[Janeway]

Right. I was assuming hair at about the length in the OP's picture and roughly the same type of hair as well. Of course, if OP's daughter's hair is super curly or something, then that wouldn't work.

Her hair is straight-ish and then shorter than the girl in the picture when getting close to the front.

[Ausmumof3]

I have a dd who hates having her hair brushed and has thick wild hair. It's still often messy but better if I do the following.

 

Condition and brush immediately and frequently. Spray is good but conditioner is better. Use an adult conditioner - many of the kids ones are useless.

 

Tell her a story while I brush. She needs something to think about while its happening.

 

Use one of those wide soft fabric headbands. They keep the hair out her face and hide the frizz a bit. They are comfortable enough not to get pulled off too quickly.

 

I'd also consider getting some soft very comfy cute hats.

 

I do think five year olds are capable of picking up on hair and general tidiness. Maybe not specifically but intuitively. But if you want your daughter to make an effort you need to make an effort to meet her comfort needs as well. An adorable but overly fancy hair style is too big a jump from no hairstyle.

[Ausmumof3]

 

Here's mine with her pixie cut. I love short haircuts. They're the cutest thing ever, and they're so great for girls with sensitive scalps.

She is flopping adorable! My dd keeps asking for a pixie cut but the hairdressers aren't keen because they're worried we won't like it. Maybe I'll insist after seeing this.

[Mergath]

She is flopping adorable! My dd keeps asking for a pixie cut but the hairdressers aren't keen because they're worried we won't like it. Maybe I'll insist after seeing this.

 

Thanks! There's a little more upkeep at the salon because you can't put off the trims as long as you can with a normal haircut, but they're really low maintenance otherwise. Messy and unkempt works with a pixie cut. ;) Honestly, half the time my dd doesn't even brush her hair when she gets up in the morning, lol.

 

[umsami]

Let her brush her own hair.  Buy her some detangling spray (or let her smell them and pick out her own)....buy her one of those detangling brushes...and let her do it herself. :)

 

My hair was and still is quite tender.  I have very thick hair, and it can still be painful even to have it cut (just the way some stylists tug hair).  So I'm sympathetic to her...but also sympathetic to you in wanting her to look nice.  How about taking her for some sparkly shoes? :)

[Ausmumof3]

 

Thanks! There's a little more upkeep at the salon because you can't put off the trims as long as you can with a normal haircut, but they're really low maintenance otherwise. Messy and unkempt works with a pixie cut. ;) Honestly, half the time my dd doesn't even brush her hair when she gets up in the morning, lol.

[/quote

That would be awesome! I am there every six weeks or so for the boys anyway...

[luuknam]

Thanks! There's a little more upkeep at the salon because you can't put off the trims as long as you can with a normal haircut, but they're really low maintenance otherwise. Messy and unkempt works with a pixie cut. ;) Honestly, half the time my dd doesn't even brush her hair when she gets up in the morning, lol.

 

 

That probably depends on the hair as well... with my oldest at least, if his hair is that short, it will completely point in any which direction in the morning until he takes a shower. He doesn't want to shower every morning, so, he's got longer hair - less work. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I just wanted to mention something I haven't seen in the thread yet re: pain.

 

I don't consider myself to have a sensitive head.  Even when my hair was waist length (two weeks ago, lol), I would whip a regular brush through it and have it all bruised in 30 seconds or so.  I just powered through tangles.  

 

BUT, with both long hair and now with my chin length bob, I will actually get scalp pain for bizarre things, like just laying on my head long.  I also get it from braiding my hair, pinning up a section, etc.  It's like my hair follicles or roots or whatever want to lay a certain way, and if I pull them at a different angle, even very gently, such as them being smooshed against the pillow for an hour or two... IT HURTS!  It will give me migraines.  I know immediately when I'm braiding if I will need to take it out or not, because it hurts.  If I leave it in, it will drive me insane.  

 

Do not ignore it if your dd says it hurts even before you touch her head!!!  I think removing tangles is a reasonable expectation and part of hygiene, but styling should be optional.  

 

 

If you are concerned about her having a "girly" or "put together" look, I like the ideas of other commenters to add a sparkly necklace, bangles, or etc, and perhaps a head band or scarf if it doesn't hurt her.

 

 

[Guest]

I .  It's like my hair follicles or roots or whatever want to lay a certain way,

 

It's exactly like that, truly :)  (even for hair that lays straight. Our heads aren't a flat plane.)

[poppy]

I'd love a pixie, if she'd agree, but she won't.  So I gave mine a detangling spray and a wet brush.  She uses WAYY too much but it's better than the alternative (battle of wills / her hating the experience and thinking I'm hurting her).  I'm in camp "it's her head, let her have control".

 

 

 

[Momto4inSoCal]

My daughter's scalp is very sensitive. I bought a wet brush and I give it to her when she is taking a shower. She shampoos and then when the conditioner is in her hair she brushed the knots out. It is the only way I can get her hair brushed.

[cflovinlife]

My mom must have had that same problem with me. I remember her saying if you don't brush it or let me, I'm cutting it short enough so we will not have to worry about it. She cut it.

 

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[vonfirmath]

I wanted to add that while the style you posted is adorable, it would be torture for a girl with a sensitive scalp.

 

I think you need to lower you expectations a bit and go for something like a cute simple bob with bangs. And again, always use the detangling spray.

 

Hair brushing became fun once my MIL introduced us to detangling spray. MAGIC. My 5 year old daughter went from fighting getting her hair brushed to ASKING me to brush it (And do ponytails and other things I'm completley nept at!)

 

Amazing!

[historically accurate]

I have 3 daughters. Two of them had waist length hair at age 5. One had a chin length bob. Guess who had the sensitive scalp? 

 

I would comb it in the bathtub when it was sitting with conditioner. I would then rinse out the conditioner, and it would be mostly combed. I could then use a detangler and "freshen" it with a comb. Bonus: it distracted her from the bathtub - she was scared of baths from the time she was 2 - 6, so yay! I never put barrettes or anything in her hair; just tucked it behind her ears. To give you hope, she's better now that she is 11.

[Soror]

I've always wondered what kind of mythical little girls let their moms do their hair in those fancy hairdos. I'm feeling accomplished if we get it brushed, some days we don't manage that because it is always a huge deal. My 7 and 10 yo brush their own but unfortunately, my 4yo can't do it all on her own. My strategy is to let her brush it as much as she can and finish it up myself. I actually need to trim it again b/c it is getting longer and the ends are tangling even easier. Sometimes I can convince her to let me braid it so it doesn't tangle so bad but usually, it is the world's quickest brush to get the worst of it.

[Reefgazer]

I agree with you that your DD will be judged on her hair; it shouldn't be that way, but it is, and pretending otherwise isnt going to help the situation. What about putting it back with a soft headband or bandanna tied with a big bow?

Edited April 29, 2017 by reefgazer

[SKL]

Bangs.

 

My youngest started complaining about combing/brushing when she was 5.  Before that, no complaints.  After that, every morning was whine city.  :/  Thank goodness she combs it herself now.  :P

[TX Native]

I'm having flashbacks to the school I went to in K eons ago. Some specialist thought something mentally wasn't right with me because I answered "black" as my favorite color on some type of verbal assessment test. I remember answering it with confidence, and answering that my least favorite color was brown. I remember the lady kept asking "are you sure your favorite color is black?" A 5 year old claiming black as a favorite color was supposed to be "off" in some way. Their radar may have been up because I had significant speech problems. They had a meeting with my mom about it, and my mom immediately told them why I gave those answers. We had a brown hairbrush. It hurt when she brushed my hair and I gave her grief about it. I had thin straight hair that tangled easily. She brought a new hairbrush that was black that didn't hurt my head. I loved that hairbrush!

 

I may still be a little "off" mentally, but overall I turned out just fine.

Edited April 29, 2017 by TX native

[heartlikealion]

I remember screaming and crying over my mom doing my hair when I was younger. I avoid brushes as they make my hair frizzy. I do like the detangling combs like these: http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0882/6874/products/BEAUTY-91_grande.gif?v=1437421435

 

I would also suggest making sure she is using a conditioner (stand alone conditioner rather than a 2 in 1 product. My hair always feels like it still needs conditioner if I use a 2 in 1). Maybe even a leave in conditioner.

 

Have you ever asked her to brush/comb it herself? Maybe she can show you the "right" amount of pressure she likes or do it herself if you make her. I like the headband idea or easy haircut where it stays out of her face.

 

Does she have a favorite interest/character so you could get an accessory for her hair with that?? If it was a fun accessory she might be more willing to keep it in her hair.

[Joyofsixreboot]

This is not an answer but my girls were like this. My 9 yo and 18byo both have pixie cuts still because of their hair hatred. I just wanted you to b know your dd is not alone.

 

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