What do you do when your child's misbehavior is blamed on homeschooling?

[ealp2009]

I know my child has behavioral issues.  He is 7.  We have done behavior modification therapy.  He is getting OT for a sensory processing disorder, we are in the process of getting neuropsych evaluation.  And a friend basically said, the problem is that you homeschool.   We had just had a behavioral issues with my son and my friend has a pretty powerful personality and I was sort of flustered, and didn't say anything.  I am not really looking to defend myself or my decisions.  These behavioral issues would not disappear if he was in school.  He had these issues in preschool.  Further, he would refuse to go to school even if I did enroll him and would probably have to be physically restrained to keep him there.  I don't know what I want here except maybe a little sympathy, anyone who has been there, please feel free to chime in. 

Thanks

[blondeviolin]

< with a healthy dose of sarcasm >"...because kids in school never have issues or need supports."

Edited April 17, 2017 by blondeviolin

[Jean in Newcastle]

"Nonsense ". I'm assuming that this friend knows what you are pursuing as far as evaluations etc since they feel so comfortable giving unsolicited opinions? I would set some boundaries.

 

"Homeschooling is part of how we are addressing our child's needs. We are not asking for your permission to do so. As friends, we would love for your support, but if you cannot give it then we would appreciate it if you did not give unsolicited criticism. ".

 

 

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[PeterPan]

My son has autism and is extremely challenging, so I'm on the receiving end of this plenty, sigh. You need to move on to asking WHY they're saying this. Sometimes the person is underestimating your efforts and ability to learn and help him, sure. But sometimes the person is seeing services or setups in the ps that you aren't making happen that would help him. Merely being home ISNT ENOUGH.

 

I continue to homeschool my ds because right now I can provide him a mix of services that is BETTER than school for his disabilities, but I've gotten him an IEP and know what they would do.

 

It's great that you're getting evals! It's the right thing. Your psych will also probably say things about homeschooling for good or ill. Some psychs are real jerks and will blame things on you or say you shouldn't teach him! They see cases that DONT go well in homeschooling. I go to training workshops for techniques. I try to make sure he's getting the same services he would be getting in s high quality school. It's HARD to meet the needs of some kids on your own. My ds has that level of noncompliance. I bring in outside workers almost daily.

 

The point is not can you but what will it take and is it reality for your situation. Homeschooling autism isn't pretty and some kids are MUCH harder than others, sigh.

 

So personally I would ask what makes them say that and really listen. They might be seeing stress in your family or an effect on siblings. They might be recognizing a need for more services you don't yet realize. They might be deprecating you or they might be trying to help. School has significant structure and the ability to ramp up supports.

 

Do you get that level of noncompliance at home too? Are you getting in home hours yet? It was SO ugly when we started, sigh. ABA helped but reflex work has been HUGE here, huge.

 

Come hang on LC. :)

[IsabelC]

Laugh? 

Seriously, we tried school. At school, my kids had special needs and they learned almost nothing. At home, they still have special needs, but at least they learn stuff. Some of the time.

Edited April 17, 2017 by IsabelC

[PeterPan]

You know the kicker for me was when the autism charter director got really honest and pointed out that school enrollment would only solve SCHOOL. I would still have to have help for home. And in fact most autism schools have staff who will help you at home for extra money. I decided if I could fix the home problem I could (probably) homeschool but that going to school would still leave me with a home problem! I knew I had to fix home, so that's why we started with here.

 

But you know, I've homeschooled a long time, what like 13 years now, and the longer I go the less romantic I am about it. I have no need to defend homeschooling and it's not helpful if I ignore useful criticism from people who are seeing my holes. But sometimes people aren't seeing holes. Sometimes they're just giving opinions about things that aren't their business.

[OnMyOwn]

I know my child has behavioral issues. He is 7. We have done behavior modification therapy. He is getting OT for a sensory processing disorder, we are in the process of getting neuropsych evaluation. And a friend basically said, the problem is that you homeschool. We had just had a behavioral issues with my son and my friend has a pretty powerful personality and I was sort of flustered, and didn't say anything. I am not really looking to defend myself or my decisions. These behavioral issues would not disappear if he was in school. He had these issues in preschool. Further, he would refuse to go to school even if I did enroll him and would probably have to be physically restrained to keep him there. I don't know what I want here except maybe a little sympathy, anyone who has been there, please feel free to chime in.

Thanks

You have my sympathy. When you are dealing with a child who has issues, there are always people who think they have all *the answers*, when in reality, they'd be having the same trouble as you, if not worse, were the tables were turned. It sounds like you are doing the best you can in a tough situation. Hugs. Edited April 17, 2017 by OnMyOwn

[Julie of KY]

What do you do when your child's misbehavior is blamed on homeschooling?

 

I just smile.

I was first told that my preschooler's behavior (oldest child) was that way because I was GOING to homeschool. No - it was just his personality and it had nothing to do with my intentions to homeschool in the future.

[Hunter]

If my child had stayed in school, he would have likely ended out as a school shooter. When an occasion new person would make a stupid comment that maybe my kid would be better off in school, everyone that knew us longer would burst out in laughter and yell, "Nooooooo!" Usually none of us bothered to explain to the newbie. We didn't own them an explanation.

 

Explaining ourselves is taking a defensive position. It is something I seldom do anymore for anything. Every word we say back is ammunition for the person on the offensive to throw back at us. Never get yourself into a situation where the other person is asking questions and you are responding, over and over. Ask a question in response to a question, to get your power back, even if it is, "What makes you think you have the right to ask me that question?"

 

Over the past few years, I have been gleaning from people who are doing "wrong" things. Passive aggressive behaviors and addiction cover-ups. Those of us doing "right" can learn how to sometimes use these "bad" behaviors to protect ourselves. It is not "wrong" to use effective tools to protect ourselves. Self-neglect is not a virtue, and sometimes the only effective tools I have are those learned from watching addicts.

 

A lot of life is nothing but power plays. Power plays clouded by worldviews and local culture, but power plays all the same.

 

Don't explain yourself. You lose power, not gain it, by taking that defensive position.

[catz]

"His special needs are the REASON we need to homeschool him right now."  And if she insisted on bringing it up regularly, I would cut her off.

[Spring Flower]

I've had/have issues with my 7 year old DS, too. (We had similar issues with DD) We also did a lot of therapy including speech, OT, PT for him. The speech therapist was adamant that we enroll our son in school. He was 6 and could qualify as a K or 1st grader because of his summer birthday. It was around Thanksgiving so we'd be enrolling him mid-year. She thought we should put him in K even though he is profoundly gifted. I scheduled an appointment to tour our school and talk to our principal. The more I learned, the more I realized that school wasn't for him, even though we have a great neighborhood school. After much thought I realized that the reason I wanted to enroll him in school was not that I thought it would help him but that it would show other people that I was doing "everything I can" to help him. In other words, I was worried more about what people think of me than what was best for my kid. Before making the final decision to keep him home I had a conversation with my husband. I said this, "We will be blamed, because we homeschool, for our son's quirky behavior. Can you handle that kind of criticism from our friends and family?" He of course could care less. I was the one who was struggling. DS has a long way to go but he has blossomed so much since we made that decision. For us, keeping him home has been just what he needed and I've had to learned to ignore what people don't understand. It's still hard, though!

[ealp2009]

Laugh?

 

Seriously, we tried school. At school, my kids had special needs and they learned almost nothing. At home, they still have special needs, but at least they learn stuff. Some of the time.

Yes, I feel this way. At least his is learning at home which he would not be if I was forcing him to go to school and he was refusing and misbehaving there.

 

 

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[ealp2009]

What do you do when your child's misbehavior is blamed on homeschooling?

 

I just smile.

I was first told that my preschooler's behavior (oldest child) was that way because I was GOING to homeschool. No - it was just his personality and it had nothing to do with my intentions to homeschool in the future.

Oh my! What can you do but laugh at that one.

 

 

 

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[SilverMoon]

I probably would have laughed out loud. Literally. Then I'd probably roll my eyes and go on about my way.

 

 

Last week a truly well-meaning relative blamed my teen's behavior on us moving away to a different state when he was little and then again when he was a tween. I had pretty much the same reaction. Laughing/eye-rolling. Oh please. He'd act like that in any state. LOL

 

 

Depending on the source I'd either ignore it with no response (because it's just not worth it with some people) or give a very brief rebuttal or one liner (examples from other posters) before moving on. In almost every case it's really just not worth trying to set the record straight. People are already set in their ways or just want a tidy little box they understand to place you in. Just keep on doing what's best for you and yours and don't worry about what others think.

[....]

We kept homeschooling to ourselves when the kids did outside activities - because we wanted to avoid that very thing.  We took classes somewhere for two years before they figured out we homeschooled.   

[Wheres Toto]

I'm another one who just laughs.  Nope, my son was born this way.  He's not like this because we homeschool, we homeschool because he's like this.

 

And he did go to preschool and Early Intervention.  It's what led us to homeschool.

[justasque]

I tend to lightly say something like, "Sometimes kids are quirky because they are homeschooled.  But on the other hand, sometimes kids are homeschooled because they're quirky".  Otherwise-sensible people usually get it after a minute or two of thought.  If not, I might add, "Public school is great for many kids, but it's not a good fit for dc at this time."  The first part of that is meant to gently say, "I am not judging you for having your kids in PS.  This isn't a mommy wars issue; the decision is specific to this particular child".  If there's no mommy wars concern, say with an older person, or if the person has kids in private school, I might amend it to just "School is great for many kids..."

 

This usually sets appropriate boundaries without shaming the other person.  It's a "they go low, we go high" approach, which I usually prefer, as it has the potential to help the other person see the reasons for my decision so that they can respect it, while still being firm that the decision has been well-thought-out and is not up for discussion unless that discussion includes at least an attempt to be gentle, thoughtful, and wise.

 

If someone persists in unkind, non-thoughtful criticism, then of course I write them off as unwise, and if they are older perhaps put them into the "losing their filters" category, both of which allow me to let any comments roll off my back.  I use the "bean dip" approach with these folks if they are otherwise loved ones, or avoid them as much as possible if they are not.  

 

All that said, I try to be open to gentle, thoughtful, wise input, because I have learned a lot from it.  

[Guest]

yell "WRONG! NEXT?"

[coastalfam]

Oh my goodness, if he was in school it would be so much worse. I know you know that. Honestly, if it was a friend who said it to me, I would probably just say, "That is a concern we have considered, but my child's doctors and therapists also support our homeschooling as the best choice for him *especially* given his diagnosis." Your friend--even if she doesn't realize this is what she is doing--isn't respecting your authority as a parent to choose the most loving and wise option for your child, so if it was me, I'd pass the buck to the professionals to back up my authority and hopefully just end that debate so I could move on with my friendship without it coming up again, you know? Sorry that happened. That is tough.

Edited April 17, 2017 by coastalfam

[...................]

((Hugs))

 

They think school is the answer to everything.

 

I like the sarcasm approach

[PeterPan]

I've had/have issues with my 7 year old DS, too. (We had similar issues with DD) We also did a lot of therapy including speech, OT, PT for him. The speech therapist was adamant that we enroll our son in school. 

 

Oh I can top that. I had an SLP tell me to enroll him in preschool to SLOW DOWN HIS LEARNING!   :lol:  :lol:  :lol: For reals. He had like 99th percentile vocabulary and she's like he doesn't blend in with the other kids, his needs for articulation are advancing faster than we can keep up with in therapy, enroll him in school so he'll sound like other kids and slow down.  :lol:   :lol:  :lol: 

[PeterPan]

Well, you could always make the snarky comeback that I did (though probably not recommended). My sis, "You know, your children would know how to play KICKBALL if they were in ps!" Me, "You know, your children wouldn't be brats if they were hsed!" 

 

In my defense, my sister's comment was one of many. 

 

I know, it SO does not go over well if you point out that ps looks like Lord of the Flies socially...

[Spring Flower]

Oh I can top that. I had an SLP tell me to enroll him in preschool to SLOW DOWN HIS LEARNING!   :lol:  :lol:  :lol: For reals. He had like 99th percentile vocabulary and she's like he doesn't blend in with the other kids, his needs for articulation are advancing faster than we can keep up with in therapy, enroll him in school so he'll sound like other kids and slow down.  :lol:   :lol:  :lol: 

 

Heaven forbid our kids learn at their own level! 

[Valley Girl]

((Hugs))

 

They think school is the answer to everything.

 

I like the sarcasm approach

 

And if school were the answer to everything, then nobody in school would EVER have issues. Yeah, I tend to fall on the sarcastic side of things, too.

 

OP, a lot of us here feel your pain. You know whether or not a formal classroom setting would work for your child. It wouldn't for mine. (Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and the gray hair to prove it.) Homeschooling isn't a magic cure. But it's better than the alternative. I like Jean in Newcastle's response, by the way. It's direct, polite, but to the point.

[...................]

Oh I can top that. I had an SLP tell me to enroll him in preschool to SLOW DOWN HIS LEARNING! :lol: :lol: :lol: For reals. He had like 99th percentile vocabulary and she's like he doesn't blend in with the other kids, his needs for articulation are advancing faster than we can keep up with in therapy, enroll him in school so he'll sound like other kids and slow down. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Makes me realize how truly blessed I am. My son had a lot of SPD and major aspeegers symptoms. We hired an expensive evaluation from a private behavioral therapy company when he was 4.5. She observed me for many hours and said that I was the best therapist he could have, that I understood that behavioral therapy is about consistently pushing them past their boundaries while giving consistent rewards and avoiding negative feedback but also not allowing the behaviors. I had come up with a system of a MIMIMUM of 3 hours per day in nature and at the pool (which was not easy in south florida!!) and massage and cuddling.

 

She said not only not to put my gifted child in school but that she would pay for my education and make me a partner in their business! She gave me lots of advice and tips and left me her number and ...

 

You can't even tell my son is or ever was on the spectrum. He hates vacations (too much unknown) and he struggles with group conversation -

That's about it.

 

Praise God.

[Tanaqui]

Laugh and change the subject. And then complain about it later!

 

If you feel the need to say something, you can try one of these on for size:

 

"His doctors disagree."

"And where did you get your degree again?" (Don't do this one with a close friend unless you're sure they'll laugh, it's really for the  jerks.)

"Well, that's one opinion."

"Thank you, but we will continue to take the advice of our therapists."

"When I want your opinion, you can be sure I'll ask for it." (This one is DEFINITELY for strangers and not friends - and it's best said immediately before you leave their presence, too!)

"..."

 

Yes, the pregnant pause before you change the subject. Its very silence speaks volumes. Do not underestimate it!

[maize]

"Did public school teach you to be so rude?"

[Colleen in NS]

 

Explaining ourselves is taking a defensive position. It is something I seldom do anymore for anything. Every word we say back is ammunition for the person on the offensive to throw back at us. Never get yourself into a situation where the other person is asking questions and you are responding, over and over. Ask a question in response to a question, to get your power back, even if it is, "What makes you think you have the right to ask me that question?"

 

 

 

Excellent advice and reasoning.

 

"His special needs are the REASON we need to homeschool him right now." 

 

I have had to do this a few times in recent years, to health professionals.  One of them even actively tried to talk my child into enrolling in public school.  Thankfully, our doctor (who knows us well) actually told me that my child was better off continuing to be homeschooled.  THAT really bolstered my courage.  And my child ended up deciding that continuing to homeschool was best.

 

OP, if you are convinced that homeschooling is what is best for your child, then just smile and ignore the comments.

 

[Earthmerlin]

If my child had stayed in school, he would have likely ended out as a school shooter. When an occasion new person would make a stupid comment that maybe my kid would be better off in school, everyone that knew us longer would burst out in laughter and yell, "Nooooooo!" Usually none of us bothered to explain to the newbie. We didn't own them an explanation.

 

Explaining ourselves is taking a defensive position. It is something I seldom do anymore for anything. Every word we say back is ammunition for the person on the offensive to throw back at us. Never get yourself into a situation where the other person is asking questions and you are responding, over and over. Ask a question in response to a question, to get your power back, even if it is, "What makes you think you have the right to ask me that question?"

 

Over the past few years, I have been gleaning from people who are doing "wrong" things. Passive aggressive behaviors and addiction cover-ups. Those of us doing "right" can learn how to sometimes use these "bad" behaviors to protect ourselves. It is not "wrong" to use effective tools to protect ourselves. Self-neglect is not a virtue, and sometimes the only effective tools I have are those learned from watching addicts.

 

A lot of life is nothing but power plays. Power plays clouded by worldviews and local culture, but power plays all the same.

 

Don't explain yourself. You lose power, not gain it, by taking that defensive position.

I like your response--it wisely cuts to the chase.

[ealp2009]

Well, you could always make the snarky comeback that I did (though probably not recommended). My sis, "You know, your children would know how to play KICKBALL if they were in ps!" Me, "You know, your children wouldn't be brats if they were hsed!"

 

In my defense, my sister's comment was one of many.

Oh I'm so sorry. At least my immediate family is supportive of me and homeschooling.

 

 

 

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[Hypatia.]

"Luckily for him, I disagree."

 

My 4 year old has ODD and has some fantastic meltdowns, resulting in my bodily carrying him out of libraries, meetings, and concerts while my other kids assist with my youngest and rounding up belongings. I've had one person blame his behavior on the fact that I homeschool his older siblings.  :huh: Luckily I have a strong RBF, which keeps most comments at bay. Otherwise, a flat-faced look with "I'll give that any due consideration".

[Colleen in NS]

OP, you could also try the half-smile/confused-look face, too, lol!

[Targhee]

I wish I had a good response. My actual response is 😡

[LMD]

I just laugh and say 'trust me, the teachers are glad I home school'

 

I want to be like Hunter when I grow up.

[PeterPan]

Luckily I have a strong RBF, which keeps most comments at bay. Otherwise, a flat-faced look with "I'll give that any due consideration".

 

Ok, what is an RBF? :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ok, what is an RBF? :)

Resting bitch face

[ealp2009]

You all are great! Thank you for the encouragement and advice.

 

 

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[daijobu]

Resting bitch face

 

I just typed that into a google image search. LOL!  

[PeterPan]

Resting bitch face

 

Thank you, had never heard of such a thing, lol. 

[Hedgehog]

My response.. "smile and wave, boys, smile and wave" !(Penguins movie)

 

Some folk just don't get it, do they! I have two girls with different forms of dyslexia, and my son has ADD. If I had some kids in school and some at home, it wouldn't be those three in school for sure.

[Carrie12345]

Be the duck, let the water roll.  There is no reply that will satisfy.

 

My ASD child was in public school from K-4 and 8-10. Several people were appalled by how it would stunt his "socialization".  Sure, let's pretend 3 years of reduced anxiety and targeted activities for shared interests are what made a child on the autism spectrum "socially awkward".  But let's not ask why 8 years of public school didn't "fix" him.

 

People don't know what they don't know, and they don't want to.