Sad. Angry.

[joannqn]

I've been feeling both sad and angry today. I don't know what to do but I want to do something.

 

On September 7th, I miscarried my son at 14 weeks and I think it was preventable. My youngest was oblivious of it. My 6 year old was somewhat sad but basically continued on life as normal. My 8 year old was more sad and spent some time talk and praying with other homeschoolers online. My husband took it kind of hard. I was fine...the strong one...but recent events have me feeling sad, teary at times, and angry.

 

You see, my family came down with the stomach flu at the beginning of September. First, Josh was sick. Then I got sick. The vomiting from the flu made it so I couldn't hold down my meds for hypermesis. Between the stomach flu and unmedicated hypermesis, I was up the whole night vomiting every hour. In addition to that, I had diarrhea. After 14 hours of vomiting, I was dehydrated and went to the ER on the advice of my midwife.

 

When I arriving at the hospital, I asked the info. desk how to get to ER. Seeing how sick I was, they put me into a wheelchair and pushed me there. The ER receptionist took my info and vitals. My resting pulse was 138bpm. Then, they sent me to do the insurance paperwork and get my blood drawn. Because I'm a hard draw and was dehydrated, they were unable to draw my blood and gave up after two attempts and sent me back to the waiting room. Apparently, my condition wasn't very urgent in their mind because they left me in the waiting room for 1 1/2 hours before someone asked if they had rechecked my vitals. The recheck showed my blood pressure still in the 130s and now my blood pressure was very high too. Feeling pity on me, she decided to try to elevate my level and get me a bed.

 

Once I got a bed, they hooked me up to the monitors and got an IV going. They gave me antinausea meds via the IV. Not long after, they decided I wasn't going to die and wheeled me into the hallway so they could give my room with its monitoring equiptment to someone with more urgent needs. I spent the rest of my stay in that hallway with a nurse stopping by to check my vitals about every hour. One nurse (a nice male nurse) noticed my IV bag empty and stopped. He came back with a new bag and hooked it up. At one point, a doctor finally stopped by to talk to me. Her expert opinion was that the nausea meds stopped the vomiting and that the dehydration would resolve. I asked her about the bad back pain I was experiencing and explained that the last time I had that kind of pain I was when I was pregnant with my toddler. I had a UTI and it was causing me to have contractions that, fortunately, did cause me to go into preterm labor that time. She said, I didn't have a UTI (confirmed by urine sample). She wanted to do an ultrasound before I left. So, another hour goes by and she finally returns. I asked about the ultrasound so she decided to go ahead and do it. We saw the baby and what I saw worried me. He wasn't moving...at all. She noted that his heart rate was a bit low but attributed both to him sleeping. At this point, I asked her about my increasing back pain because I was really quite uncomfortable by this time. She dismissed it as probably muscle spasms from all the vomiting I had done, told me to go home and continue taking in fluids, and wrote me a prescription for anti-nausea meds in case I wanted them instead of what I was already taking. When she discharged me my resting pulse rate was still 120.

 

So, I go home and my husband picks up some gatorade for me. My family spends the next 24 hours resting and getting over the flu. We had nonrefundable circus tickets the next day. We skipped the preshow and went just for the show (it was part of school). After the show, I felt like I had to pee and found a bathroom only to discover I was bleeding. I called my midwife and went home. She was hoping that it was caused by doing too much after being so sick. At worst, she said, you can't stop a miscarriage that already started. Three hours later I went into active labor and delivered my son in my bathroom. He was dead.

 

So, we called our midwife and told her what happened. I asked about what I was suppose to do with his body. She said there were no laws about it until 20 weeks. The next morning I felt I needed to double check that and called the hospital. The operator connected me with the ER receptionist. When I told her I had miscarried at 14 weeks and asked if there were any laws about what to do with his body, she literally asked me, "Is it too big to flush?" How's that for sensitive?

 

Ever since, I can't shake the feeling that his death could have been prevented. I know dehydration can cause a miscarriage. That's why I went to the ER, to prevent that from happening. I know my body reacts to dehydration by going into labor. I was on bedrest with my second for preterm labor caused by dehydration. I told them this at the ER. What would have happened if the ER had treated me sooner rather than leaving me sitting in the waiting room for 2 more hours, throwing up in their bathroom? What would have happened if they had investigated the back pain? Surely, they would have seen that I was having contractions and given me medicine to stop them. He was still alive when I was there.

 

I was dealing with this ok until I saw another blogger I read mention her ultrasound and feeling her baby kick. I was three weeks further along than she is. Then yesterday, I got the doctor's bill. I owe her $251 after insurance. Today, I got the hospital bill. I own them another $393 after insurance. Not only do I not have the money to pay these bills but I don't really feel like they should be paid since I think they were negligent. I wish I could just call them and tell them that I won't pay them because they allowed my baby to die. The bills are opening up a wound that I didn't really feel the first time around.

 

Ugh!

 

I also know that if I get pregnant again soon, I'll probably freak out all winter worrying about catching another bug.

 

Well, that was long. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

[lovemyboys]

:grouphug:Joann:grouphug: That's so hard, no wonder you're sad and angry. Mine happened much earlier and they were hard. Hope your family will find comfort together. :grouphug:

[Laura in VA]

I am so sorry. :grouphug:. I cannot believe the ER receptionist said that. That makes me livid. I'm sorry I do not have words of wisdom for you. I've had a miscarriage and I know you are heartbroken. :grouphug:

[JennifersLost]

Oh, Joanne,

 

As someone who has had many miscarriages my heart goes out to you. It is always hard. You always wonder what you could have "done", and getting these doctor's bills on top of everything just sucks.

 

I am no doctor, but fourteen weeks is the time when your body will terminate a pregnancy that's a "no-go". I don't think your stomach flu caused this. I think your body knew that this pregnancy wasn't going well and it did what it's supposed to do. I miscarried twice at fourteen weeks and I know how sad you must feel. You can't be the "strong one". You have to grieve.

 

But it's not your fault. When my pregnancies "work" I throw up every day for months and months. I've ended up in the hospital for dehydration. While dehydration isn't a good thing, a healthy pregnancy will sustain through a stomach flu (and weeks of morning sickness). I think you need to trust that this time it wasn't meant to be.

 

Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time. And talk to your midwife about all of it - your fears, your plans. She'll give you good advice for next time.

 

When you feel strong enough, write a letter to the hospital as well laying all of this out for them - what happened and what followed. Make sure someone high up in the hospital gets it. I think that's extremely important for them to know that you should have been listened to. And work with your husband to come up with a plan for the future...if you should ever have to go to the hospital again, who will be there with you and who will advocate for you. Someone needed to kick up a fuss for you, girl!

 

Hugs and hugs and more hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Zelda]

How very painful. I hope you find some peace very soon. :grouphug:

[clarkacademy]

OK I had a similiar situation years ago. This is sad but I had my son buried I was just under 18 weeks. I am so sorry you have went through this and if I were you I would talk to a doctor, your midwife and get all my hospital records and call a lawyer. I know that sounds harsh but no mommy who is dehydrating should sit in a hall. I would talk to the director and tell them my feelings as well. I do hope all works out with your family getting better and I am sure this affects your children in different ways:grouphug:

[Annie Laurie]

I'm so sorry. I too had a similar situation, with miscarrying at 16 wks gestation, delivering baby in the bathroom with dh, and extremely insensitive midwife and medical personel at the ER. It makes me angry that this happened to you too and that medical professionals can be so insensitive to pregnant woman and those suffering from the loss of a baby. It hurts and I'm sorry you're going through it. :grouphug:

[SapphireStitch]

I don't have any answers for you, just want to tell you I really feel for what you're going through.

 

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks several years ago, and I found out later that an herb I was taking might have caused it. The nurse midwife I was seeing told me it was fine to take ginger for queasiness, but then after I miscarried I read that too much ginger could be a problem. I also found out some years later that I have an autoimmune condition and should have been taking aspirin or heparin shots.

 

It's one of those things I don't know that you'll ever have a good answer for. And I think that almost every women I've known who has lost a baby has had some factor that she wonders about...something that she could have done differently, or some treatment that might have helped. I don't say that to belittle your pain in any way, just to let you know I think our minds want to work that way, we want answers for something unanswerable.

 

I pray that you will find peace and comfort in your loss.

[Aggie]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Joannqn. :grouphug:

 

Aggie

[cathmom]

I am so so sorry for your loss!

 

:grouphug:

[Amy in TX]

((((JoAnn)))) I'm so very sorry for what you've been through. I hope that someone has the knowledge to give you good advice, and you and your family are in my prayers. Take care.

 

Amy

[newlifemom]

JoAnn,

 

Words cannot begin to describe how I am feeling for you. I am so sorry. Please, please, please let go and grieve. The other things yeah maybe you need to do them. But first, you need to grieve over that precious baby. Trust me, I know. If you don't mind I would like to pray for you. I also know what it is like dealing with the children. They don't know how to handle it and honestly the little ones just don't understand at all. My son 6 1/2 has talked about when "Lil Sunny" is going to arrive and just doesn't get that he/she is in Heaven and has been for months. It's too hard for them to process. DD 10 still gets sad, but I think she tries not to show it for my sake. KWIM? Your health and stability if far more important than anything else. If sending the letters is a way to do that and even talking to a lawyer(it certainly sounds as if you have a case) might be the way for you to find closure, but mostly I think you just have to let go. I think it is ok to be a basket case.

 

Guess I am rambling here. Just know that you are not alone and though circumstances may be different there are many here and elsewhere who you could talk to and identify with. We are here. :bigear:

[teamturner]

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray you find peace and comfort. :grouphug:

[joannqn]

I just want to clarify that I don't want to sue for tons of money. I don't believe in that except for cases of severe neglect and mistakes. I just want the doctor to know that she messed up so she doesn't do it again. For all she knows, I went home and everything was fine.

 

I would like the bills forgiven though. They didn't provide the care I was there for...preventing a miscarriage.

 

 

I also don't think that miscarriage would have happened anyway. I've had two other miscarriages but they were both early. In both cases, I had NO symptoms of pregnancy other than a missed period and positive test. All three times I've carried a pregnancy to term I had tons of symptoms...tender chest, major fatigue, and severe morning sickness. With this baby, I had my normal healthy pregnancy symptoms and everything was proceeding like normal. Plus there's that ER ultrasound showing him alive just 30 hours before I held him in my hands.

[joannqn]

Thanks for all of the hugs and prayers.

 

I wasn't really expecting to have problems with this. I generally take things like this easily so I'm not used it.

[Philothea]

I'm so sorry. I know your pain. I lost a baby at about 7 weeks, it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. However, the miscarriage did not occur until about 3-4 weeks later.

 

It is very possible that you lost the baby much sooner due to something that was absolutely not your fault and out of your control.

 

My miscarriage was my third pregnancy, after two normal and healthy ones. Though it doesn't replace the baby we lost (Perpetua is her name), I went on to have another healthy little boy. So miscarriages can be random. In fact, I think they are more common that people think. Almost everyone I know with four or more children has had at least one.

[joannqn]

It is very possible that you lost the baby much sooner due to something that was absolutely not your fault and out of your control.

 

We saw his heart beating the day before via ultrasound. He was also the correct size and development for 14 weeks.

[Peela]

We saw his heart beating the day before via ultrasound. He was also the correct size and development for 14 weeks.

 

I think you will never know...and you need to grieve and make your peace with that not knowing. It is just beyond our knowing why some babies don't make it- millions have survived much worse than mother getting flu, and millions die for no apparent reason. The doctor may have been following very standard procedure. Miscarriages are very common. I have had 3 miscarriages, one at 14 weeks, and 2 children.

And yes, I think it would be good for you to make sure that doctor knows you did miscarry. That kind of communication is surely important. Maybe she might handle a similar situation more skillfully next time. And maybe not.

:grouphug:

[Jackie in AR]

I'm so very sorry, JoAnn.

 

I've suffered a miscarriage, and it was just horrible so I know how you are feeling.

 

:grouphug:

[5knights3maidens]

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I'm so angry at that person for saying that to you. It literally made me cry. How dare she!!! I don't know if you would want to but can you write a letter to the insurance company? Explain everything. They might lower or cancel the bill....this will not take away your heartache, I know. I wish I could take that away. With all my love I pray that you will have peace and calmness.

[Ria]

I'm sorry, JoAnn. I do think Peela and Margarete have good advice, though. Talk to your doc, and your insurance company. As far as suing, I honestly don't think you'd get anywhere. Miscarriages are common, and there are never any guarantees with pregnancy. I don't think you can assign blame here...what happened happened. Despite the ultrasound, you still could have miscarried whether or not you got sick. You will never know.

 

I hope I don't sound heartless and cruel; believe me, that is not my intent. I lost twin boys at 21 weeks. The week before I'd had an ultrasound and the boys were just fine. My bp started to go up, so I was put on bedrest for a week. The day before I was stable...and then, boom. No explanation. They were our first children. I don't think I can adequately express my heartbreak. We'd been infertility patients, and these boys were the answer to lots of prayers...

 

It's better to grieve than to be angry, and it takes a long, long time to grieve.

 

:grouphug:

 

Ria

Edited October 25, 2008 by Ria

[Jennifer in MI]

Oh I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something that would help. Just know that I am praying for you and your family.

[OnTheBrink]

Oh, JoAnn. I'm so sorry.

 

First, I think you need to write a letter to the hospital administration, outlining your experience, make sure you detail what that unkind nurse said to you about flushing. Do this for two reasons: 1) you'll feel better, knowing someone there with authority has been alerted and 2) you may be the catalyst to improving care and sensitivity in the ER.

 

Seven years ago, I suffered a miscarriage. I went to the ER and even though I was bleeding profusely, they refused to put me in a wheel chair. I had to walk to the exam room. The doctor was cold and harsh and hurt me physically. The nurses acted as if I were interrupting their day. No one called for the chaplain, no one told me about a burial plan the hospital offered for babies born before 20 weeks. I was told all tissue had passed and to take some drug to stop the bleeding and go home. I felt like a wayward dog, being kicked around the pound. It was horrible. No compassion, no sensitivity, nothing. And, this was a religious hospital.

 

My EX wrote a strongly worded letter to the hospital admin. The admin did respond to the letter, offered many apologies for the cold treatment and had the hospital chaplain call me with info about the burial plan. That was about all they could really do at the time, but what I found out later made me feel a bit more vindicated.

 

Turns out, I had a friend who was an ER clerk in that ER. She wasn't on duty that day. Anyway, the Admin REQUIRED everyone who worked in the ER to attend sensitivity training for miscarrying mothers. Doctors, nurses, clerks--they all were required to attend. And apparently, heads did roll.

 

So, while that didn't do much to make me feel better at the time, at least I know that someone at that hospital cared enough to go to the trouble of making people learn how to not be cold-hearted robotons when a woman is miscarrying a baby.

 

And, I was horribly depressed and angry for a long time. It just took time for me to grieve and come to terms that he was gone.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[CAMom]

I'm so sorry, JoAnn.:grouphug:

 

I do understand the feeling that comes with getting the bills after the fact. My infant daughter passed away when she was 6 weeks old and the bills for her hospital time kept coming and coming months after she was gone. It's so painful to have the wounds opened with every envelope.

 

:grouphug:Praying for your comfort as you go through your time of grieving.:grouphug:

[NevadaRabbit]

:grouphug: JoAnn, my heart aches with yours.

 

I do believe, as others have said, that a letter is in order to the hosp and perhaps insurance. In the course of my miscarriage I was treated coldly and insensitively by my OB; the fact that I spoke out about it brought some changes to that OB practice.

 

Aside from that, I hope you sense the love and concern we share over your loss and know that we're here for you.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

First let me say, that I do feel for you, having lost a child myself at 15 weeks. It can be devastating and it may take you a long time to work through your grief. I also looked for someone to blame and racked my brain to find something that could have been different to prevent the loss. It took me a long time to understand that it was probably inevitable, and even if I had gone in earlier, not dug a hole to plant a tree, not gone jogging, whatever the outcome would probably have been the same.

I hope you can take time to work through your grief, with the help of a professinal, if necessary.

My next comments are about contacting hospital administration regarding the care you received in the ER. If your objective is sensitivity training (as another poster suggested) for the ER and a cathartic release for yourself, then by all means, write a letter to the hospital administration. There is no excuse for callous treatment by healthcare professionals.

If your objective is to get your bill "forgiven"...well, you did receive care. Should the nurse(s) who assessed you (took your vitals, etc.) not be paid? Should the ancillary staff who cleaned the room, did the laundry, etc., not be paid? Should the charge for the ultrasound be eradicated? Should the doctor who saw you, order the IV fluids & read the ultrasound not get paid? Well, everyone who saw you has already been paid. What more (other than act in a kind and professional way) would you have had them do? The hospital has overhead and did provide a service to you. You stated they did not provide the care you were there for, to prevent a mc, but they did correct your nausea and dehydration. The fetus did not die or show signs of being distress as per the u/s in the ER, so not much else could have been done there, other than perhaps to advise you to follow up with your midwife/ob the next day or if symptoms persisted.

[Mommy22alyns]

I can't even begin to imagine... no internet hugs are big enough... I am just crying for you. :grouphug:

[Karen sn]

Speak to the CEO of the hospital.

They might feel a lawsuit coming and dismiss your bill.

Did you bury him?

(((joannqn)))

[sunshine]

There is no excuse for callous treatment by healthcare professionals.

If your objective is to get your bill "forgiven"...well, you did receive care. Should the nurse(s) who assessed you (took your vitals, etc.) not be paid? Should the ancillary staff who cleaned the room, did the laundry, etc., not be paid? Should the charge for the ultrasound be eradicated? Should the doctor who saw you, order the IV fluids & read the ultrasound not get paid? Well, everyone who saw you has already been paid. What more (other than act in a kind and professional way) would you have had them do? The hospital has overhead and did provide a service to you. You stated they did not provide the care you were there for, to prevent a mc, but they did correct your nausea and dehydration. The fetus did not die or show signs of being distress as per the u/s in the ER, so not much else could have been done there, other than perhaps to advise you to follow up with your midwife/ob the next day or if symptoms persisted.

 

 

It doesn't matter whether her intent is some help with the bill or not. It is easy to pay a bill where you have been treated professionally. And everyone of the people who treated her has a professional degree. They are not ignorant, they were callous and selfish. When I lost my daughter at 36 weeks and was in the hospital for 3 days because it took 2 days to deliver my dead daughter, I never blinked an eye with that bill. I remembered every face, every nurse who cried with me, every orderly who tiptoed into the room with a broken hearted smile to clear the towels, every doctor who came and looked into my eyes with compassion and sympathy as I labored. It was a bittersweet memory every month when I wrote a check.

But it is a different story for the silly migraine that I went to the hospital with and sat in the blinding lights for 4.5 hours while waiting to be seen and get medication to stop the horrid pain. I was filled with fury every time that measley 200.00 bill showed up on my doorstep.

 

She shouldn't have to pay a dime. And I am an anti-suing person. But I would consider suing that hospital. It is inexcusable to leave a vomiting pregnant woman in a hallway with an empty IV bottle even for a half an hour. Timing is critical in dehydration. Even a layman like myself knows that.

 

Skip the letter. Make an appointment with the Administrator. If they try to put you off, tell them your attorney could make the appointment in court if they like. Then go in and tell them every second of your experience. Then tell them you are going to write a letter to your insurance company too. Then ask them what they are going to do about it? No one should go through what you went through. 14 weeks is a baby, not tissue. You needed someone who handles that sort of thing to be there for you to help you through it. A grief counselor should have been sent to your room.

 

By the way, almost all of the funeral homes here in Savannah, Georgia offer free coffins and burial for infants and preterm deliveries. Mine did not cost a thing. The director told me I had paid enough in tears.

You have my prayers.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Sunshine, I undersand that you are upset, but what I read in the OP was that she did not miscarry in the ER....it was more than 24 hours later.

[homeschoolmom]

:grouphug: So sorry. Miscarriage is really tough. I think it's natural to want to definitively want to know 'why'. I can relate to your anger and sadness. I'm still angry/sad about my two and that was a long time ago.

 

Do what you feel best regarding the hospital. At the very least they are behaving very callously.

 

Allow yourself the time and space to grieve.

[sunshine]

Sunshine, I undersand that you are upset, but what I read in the OP was that she did not miscarry in the ER....it was more than 24 hours later.

 

You are sweet. Thank you.

[joannqn]

Thank you for your support. I'm just going to take it step by step. I need to stop by the hospital tomorrow to pick up a copy of my records. I'll call billing another day to set up payments since I barely have enough money to cover food for the rest of this month.

 

I'm not sure if I'll set up an appointment to talk to someone or write a letter. At the very least, I think they should know the outcome. I think that had investigated my back pain (rather than write it off as nothing without checking) they would have found that I was having contractions and attempted to stop them. It was the fact that they ignored a classic symptom and didn't even check that bothers me. He was still alive and might have been fine if the contractions hadn't been allowed to continue.

 

They also need to know that women who have miscarried should not be told to flush their baby down the toilet...especially when he's big enough to hold in your hand, see that he's fully formed, and determine his gender. He was 3 1/2 inches long! If nothing else, maybe the next woman to call won't be told to flush her baby down the toilet.

 

Yes, I received care. I agree which is why I wouldn't outright sue...especially not for damages. I just don't know if I received $1900 worth of care. That's how much they will ultimately be paid after insurance and my payments. Are a few pulse checks, a few blood pressure checks, 2 bags of fluids, a single dose of antinausea meds, a CDC, a urine test, 10 minutes with the doctor, a 3 minute ultrasound for the sole purpose of verifying that I really was pregnant (no tech), about 30 minutes of a nurse's time, and being left in the hallway for 5 hours worth $1900? That's part of the reason why I want to see my records...to get an itemized bill. I know that hospitals are notorious for billing for things that weren't done, especially when it comes to maternity care. The billing department sees a code and bills for the standard procedures without checking the charts. They charged us for several things we didn't receive when my youngest was born like the eye ointment and vaccines that we refused. Correcting the bill saved us several hundred dollars.

[RhondaM.]

:grouphug: I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[happyWImom]

Joann:

 

I had two miscarriages and was petrified through my other pregnancies. It's sad, because I feel I missed out on enjoying them at all, and now I will never be pregnant again-I wish I could do them over without the fear.

 

I am praying for you to not have the fear next time, and that you will get the help and answers you need now so that you can move on.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Tammi