This is a case of MYOB right?

[Bootsie]

The student is an adult making his own choices; his parents are adults making their own choices.  How they handle this is their business.  This is not a situation where the adult child is in serious danger or putting someone else in serious danger, so I would keep my mouth shut.  Reporting to the parents would be telling them that you do not think their son is making correct choices and that you do not think they are making correct choices as to how they parent an adult child.  I would not want people calling my mother saying that they think she needs to know about the poor choices I am making in my life...  If they want to know how their son is doing, they can ask him; if they do not think that relationship is the best type of relationship to have with their adult child at this point in his life, that is their decision. 

 

And, from a practical standpoint, I don't think saying anything to his parents will help improve his focus on schoolwork.  Also, I think you would be damaging your relationship with your own son, and between your son and his friend.

 

 

[swellmomma]

meh, He is an adult student.  If he hates it he can quit and get a job. It is not up to his parents to make him study etc, so no good will come of telling them.  My parents were very hands off since junior high.  If/When I went to school or studied was on me from the age of about 14, especially in college.  If I failed it was on me. If I passed it was on me.  My brother flunked out of engineering first year because he partied too much.  Tough lesson to learn. College put him on academic probation and he had to pick a new major.  He did what he needed to do to smarten up, graduated and is now applying to grad schools to do his master's. I dropped out of college at the end of my 3rd semester because I got pregnant. I went back years and years later.

My parents never even knew what courses I was taking in high school or college etc.  It was the best thing for us, it made us responsible for our own educations, and take ownership of them.  My sister is applying to a grad school to do her phD, my brother for his Master's and I am graduating again this June and will be transferring schools to finish my bachelor's with a goal of my master's.  Having parents that were hands off and completely out of it did not hurt us at all. Even when my brother completely flunked out.

 

My oldest is 18 and not yet in college, he is still in high school and will have another year to go, due to his mental illness and LDs. But when he goes to college it will be on him, not me, that he goes to class, does assignments etc.  The hand holding needs to stop at some point. And I would not be very happy if someone came to me to essentially tattle on my adult child, especially if that someone knew I wanted to stay out of it and that it was a family value to do so.

[swellmomma]

I feel like if I am PAYING for them, I have a right to know.

 

Thankfully, my kids are pretty transparent about these things.

But a kid CHOOSING to tell their parents how they are doing, is very different than a parent claiming they have the right to know, or worse having someone tattling on them.  You don't have the right to know, as an adult they have the right to privacy on that topic just like everything else.  If they choose to be open about it, that is their choice to be so.  But to claim you have the right to know is over the top imo.

[katilac]

Apparently his friend says he hasn't done any classwork or homework for over 6 weeks and is getting all Fs.

 

<snip>

 

It is still eating at me though.  The child would still have some time to pull up his grades and perhaps at least pass most of his classes with C's if he caught up.

 

 

If it makes you feel any better, I seriously doubt that student who has done zero work for over 6 weeks would be able to pull their grades up to Cs. 

[marbel]

I feel like if I am PAYING for them, I have a right to know.

 

Thankfully, my kids are pretty transparent about these things.

 

That's how it works in my house too - my kids understand that their grades are my business since I am paying for it.  If they end up doing as I did - going to college as working adults, paying their tuition, etc. - then won't be my business anymore.

 

Not saying that's the only way to do it.  

[katilac]

That's how it works in my house too - my kids understand that their grades are my business since I am paying for it.  If they end up doing as I did - going to college as working adults, paying their tuition, etc. - then won't be my business anymore.

 

Not saying that's the only way to do it.  

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, if the family in question wanted that, they would have it set up that way. Instead, they've explicitly said that they are not going to monitor their ds, and that they consider it his responsibility. That's why I think it's MYOB for the OP. 

[Tammi K]

Not your monkey. Not your circus.

 

The parents made it clear that they are hands off. There is no sense in bringing it to their attention.

[DawnM]

If it makes you feel any better, I seriously doubt that student who has done zero work for over 6 weeks would be able to pull their grades up to Cs. 

 

 

You are probably right.

[MFG]

Honestly, the only person I can see saying anything to would be OP's own son. She could ask him not to share these conversations with her unless his friend specifically asks him to do so. Friend may have told son in confidence and not want the information passed on. Or in any case, OP finds knowing this information and not having any way to act upon it to be distressing. No need to be put in the situation in the first place.

[TechWife]

I can tell you that I have a similar policy with my DS who is almost 18. Not because I don't care, but because there is not a darned thing I can do about it. You could tell me he was failing, but that doesn't mean I could make him catch up on the work. I can't make him do anything. He is at the point where he HAS to learn the lessons of life on his own, as he won't believe me about them. 

 

So it's very possible telling them wouldn't do a lick of good. And that they have good reasons for NOT getting involved. 

 

This is similar to what I think. The parents know why they are taking the approach that they are taking and this is best left up to them. I would trust that they know what is best in their situation, since they have expressed that they specifically don't want to know. I imagine they won't be surprised, though. 

[LMD]

I'm trying to imagine the scenario of one of my friend's parent's dobbing on me for failing classes in university as an adult.

It feels like a breach of privacy. It is so not your business.

[SKL]

I would respect the parents' and their son's decisions.

 

Personally, *if* I am paying, I want to know the money is not going to waste. But, it's up to me to determine how I get that information; I would not expect it to come from my kid's friend's mom.  If my kid is an adult and the tuition is not being paid by me, I don't have a right to interfere with his "school of hard knocks" education.  He may be a person who needs to learn the hard way.

 

If you have advice that you think may help the young man, you could tell your son and he could make suggestions to his friend, who would then take them or leave them.  For example, does he need to research whether it would be better to drop out now vs. continue along his current path?  Does he need to look into tutoring opportunities?  Those are good suggestions (if it's not tool late) and can be made without the parents' involvement.

[SKL]

I remember when my brother & I and my parents were all going to the same college.  My brother and I were young adults when a couple of our teachers talked to our parents about us.  All of us were outraged - both the parents and the young adults.  It's just not appropriate IMO.  My mom did have her nose in my business, but that was between her and me.

[marbel]

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. However, if the family in question wanted that, they would have it set up that way. Instead, they've explicitly said that they are not going to monitor their ds, and that they consider it his responsibility. That's why I think it's MYOB for the OP. 

 

Right.  I agree. Earlier I had said that it's not the OP's business because it's not her kid.   I was agreeing with something else the OP said about her own son and his grades.   

[Bluegoat]

About this isuue of paying making it a right.

 

Paying means you can reasonably ask.  You can agree that if they will allow you to have some information, you will lkeep paying.  It is not a right.

 

If you call the school, they will not care what you pay, they will not tell you the kid's marks.

 

If you pay for an adult's medical expenses, the doctors will not therefor tell you their medical information.

 

If you pay for a house for someone, it doesn't mean you then get access to their private information.

 

It is always the right of the person the information pertains to, to choose to release it.

[Lori D.]

I know this a MYOB, but one last thought -- if the young man withdraws before the final withdrawal deadline, at least he won't have such a horrible taste in his mouth about college so that it could be a possibility in his future, and he won't have crashed his permanent GPA. I know he probably is trying to "send a message" to his parents and doesn't care right now; but in 10 or 15 years, he may be in a very different place and it may be hard enough to return to college at that time, without also having to overcome a crashed GPA...

 

Perhaps he could withdraw, get a job, and pay back the tuition to his parents, and they can all move on as adults... ? Sort of a "it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission" thing for making the call and withdrawing. I also think withdrawing is a more adult choice than failing out -- it's recognizing where you really are, and making the choice based on minimizing future "damage".

 

But, I don't know how you get that thought to the family without becoming involved when it's a MYOB situation, unless it might come up naturally in conversation with your son and the young man...

 

:grouphug:   :grouphug:  To you Dawn, and to this young man and his family. I'd be stressed out as a friend who cared, too. :(

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know that this probably isn't the case since you said the  young man in question had done no work in 6 weeks, but my son has said that he was failing calculus both quarters so far.  And both quarters he got a B.  Young people can exaggerate - esp. if they feel overwhelmed. 

[heartlikealion]

I know this a MYOB, but one last thought -- if the young man withdraws before the final withdrawal deadline, at least he won't have such a horrible taste in his mouth about college so that it could be a possibility in his future, and he won't have crashed his permanent GPA. I know he probably is trying to "send a message" to his parents and doesn't care right now; but in 10 or 15 years, he may be in a very different place and it may be hard enough to return to college at that time, without also having to overcome a crashed GPA...

 

Perhaps he could withdraw, get a job, and pay back the tuition to his parents, and they can all move on as adults... ? Sort of a "it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission" thing for making the call and withdrawing. I also think withdrawing is a more adult choice than failing out -- it's recognizing where you really are, and making the choice based on minimizing future "damage".

 

But, I don't know how you get that thought to the family without becoming involved when it's a MYOB situation, unless it might come up naturally in conversation with your son and the young man...

 

:grouphug:   :grouphug:  To you Dawn, and to this young man and his family. I'd be stressed out as a friend who cared, too. :(

 

Good question. I checked a local deadline and it was last week so this may or may not be an option.

 

OP, I wouldn't assume the parents will know soon unless they are asking to see the grades. If they are just having verbal conversations with him then I don't know it will come up.

[Tanaqui]

The parents told the OP they don't want to know. They certainly don't want to know third-hand.

 

If the OP's son thinks that his friend is in some much more serious trouble than simple poor grades - if the grades are a symptom of severe depression or substance abuse, say - then he should take whatever steps he feels are necessary, including talking to the parents or bringing it up with the RA. But the OP herself should stay out of it.

[Ravin]

My thought is that this young man is an adult, and it's not his parents' business. If he needs help, and that was the reason he is complaining to his friend, then helping your son connect him with resources would be a helpfully nosy sort of thing to do. However, if he doesn't have the moral support of caring parents, telling them isn't going to help his situation.

[heartlikealion]

I might ask my son not to tell me specifics about the grades anymore given the situation, too.

[SquirrellyMama]

It might not even help for the parents to know. My dad was on my brother his first year at college constantly. He flunked out anyway. He came home, went to CC to get his grades up, and went back to Northwest MO State and graduated. 

 

It needed to be when he wanted to accomplish it, not when my parents wanted it.

 

 

Kelly

[Lori D.]

Good question. I checked a local deadline and it was last week so this may or may not be an option.

 

Then, hard as it is, it is time to let this go, and "let the chips fall where they will" without any further suggestions about possible options from you or DS to the young man, and certainly without discussing with the family. Since you are not part of the school, nor part of the family, nor are you financially/legally/emotionally responsible for the young man, there is nothing to be said or done by you or DS at this point.

 

I'm sure your quiet prayers (and, should the parents bring it up with you, a willingness to listen without advising or commenting) would be the be most helpful things that you could do at this point.  :grouphug:

Edited April 10, 2017 by Lori D.

[Reefgazer]

Yes, it's a  MYOB thing, even if the parents would want to know.

[heartlikealion]

Then, hard as it is, it is time to let this go, and "let the chips fall where they will" without any further suggestions about possible options from you or DS to the young man, and certainly without discussing with the family. Since you are not part of the school, nor part of the family, nor are you financially/legally/emotionally responsible for the young man, there is nothing to be said or done by you or DS at this point.

 

I'm sure your quiet prayers (and, should the parents bring it up with you, a willingness to listen without advising or commenting) would be the be most helpful things that you could do at this point.  :grouphug:

 

Sorry if I caused confusion. I'm not the OP. Just looked at my local college withdrawal deadlines to see when they fall :laugh: For some reason I thought they were long gone but since they were this month I was saying maybe the OP's local CC hasn't had their deadline yet.

 

[Lori D.]

Sorry if I caused confusion. I'm not the OP. Just looked at my local college withdrawal deadlines to see when they fall :laugh:

 

lol. My bad -- I should have double-checked the post names. ;)

[DawnM]

I know this a MYOB, but one last thought -- if the young man withdraws before the final withdrawal deadline, at least he won't have such a horrible taste in his mouth about college so that it could be a possibility in his future, and he won't have crashed his permanent GPA. I know he probably is trying to "send a message" to his parents and doesn't care right now; but in 10 or 15 years, he may be in a very different place and it may be hard enough to return to college at that time, without also having to overcome a crashed GPA...

 

Perhaps he could withdraw, get a job, and pay back the tuition to his parents, and they can all move on as adults... ? Sort of a "it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission" thing for making the call and withdrawing. I also think withdrawing is a more adult choice than failing out -- it's recognizing where you really are, and making the choice based on minimizing future "damage".

 

But, I don't know how you get that thought to the family without becoming involved when it's a MYOB situation, unless it might come up naturally in conversation with your son and the young man...

 

:grouphug:   :grouphug:  To you Dawn, and to this young man and his family. I'd be stressed out as a friend who cared, too. :(

 

The withdraw date is long past.  Yes I do care.  This is a good friend of my son and I know he is very worried.  I think right now I am just trying to reassure him that this won't be the end of the world for his friend.  

 

Thanks.

Edited April 11, 2017 by DawnM