FAAAAAMILY!!! Please don't quote!

[fairfarmhand]

NO QUOTING PLEASE

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

 

Edited April 1, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[ktgrok]

To me family is the people that stick by you no matter what. that would be there in the hard times. If your family doesn't equal that, I don't know if it can be created or forced. 

 

We spend time with my parents not just because they are family, but because they love us so much. They love my kids more than anyone else does other than me. They want to see them. So it would be cruel not to. 

 

That said, my kids adore my parents and their cousins, so there is that. 

Edited March 26, 2017 by ktgrok

[Janie Grace]

I do get it and I know what you mean about it being weird to share the MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS with people where there's little true intimacy or commonality. 

 

But blood is blood. It's one of life's mysteries but I am okay with it. It has been true for long enough that I guess I just go along with this fact and trust that there is something grounding about having relationships (however sporadic) with people who share your DNA. I will promote those relationships to my kids as long as there is no grievous breach. They seem to have a natural affinity for most of our family, so that helps. I think they like being connected to their "kin" and that for most people, it's an important identity marker.
 

 

 

[J-rap]

This is something I've thought about a lot over the years.  More as to how it relates to my dh's family, which is much bigger than my own and very different in a lot of ways.  So for many years, we actually didn't do much with them, though we still kept in touch, saw them over major holidays, and didn't put up any barriers.  We felt much closer to our good friends.

 

Now that we are well into middle-aged and our children are growing up, plus we have all had family emergencies/difficult events and have all mellowed out a bit :), we actually are very, very grateful that we have his family still in our lives.  Family is...well, family.  They are there for you through thick and thin, sometimes when no one else is, and even if you don't have everything in common.  (I don't believe that if the family life is toxic, of course.)  You begin to realize that we're all in this together!

 

So in conclusion, I think it was fine that we limited our visits during years that probably would have only resulted in butting heads and opposing opinions and different ways of parenting.  But now that we are all older, it is really very nice to have them in our lives.  

 

I don't know if that really answers your question.  It's just my observations over the years.

[Laura Corin]

Will you feel responsible for parents/grandparents when they get old?  It has been hard on my sons to end up living with their grandmother when (because we lived overseas and because of her temperament) they didn't have a strong connection to her.

[JFSinIL]

By your kid's ages, I would hope some of the  grandparents, aunts, uncles would have formed relationships with them that they would continue to enjoy.  Perhaps one grandpa and one of your kids are close, and might share a hobby or interest. Or not.  By now, too late to force anything.  Either some of the other relatives have taken an interest in your kids (and vice versa) or they haven't.

[fairfarmhand]

By your kid's ages, I would hope some of the  grandparents, aunts, uncles would have formed relationships with them that they would continue to enjoy.  Perhaps one grandpa and one of your kids are close, and might share a hobby or interest. Or not.  By now, too late to force anything.  Either some of the other relatives have taken an interest in your kids (and vice versa) or they haven't.

 

nm

Edited April 1, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[OhioMomof3]

Fairfarmhand,

I have been wondering, too, how family get-togethers are going to work out now that my children and their cousins are grown (and some are beginning their own families. I feel like I could have written your post. I anticipate that there will be less extended-family gatherings, and, for the most part, I am okay with that.

[fairfarmhand]

I do get it and I know what you mean about it being weird to share the MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS with people where there's little true intimacy or commonality. 

 

But blood is blood. It's one of life's mysteries but I am okay with it. It has been true for long enough that I guess I just go along with this fact and trust that there is something grounding about having relationships (however sporadic) with people who share your DNA. I will promote those relationships to my kids as long as there is no grievous breach. They seem to have a natural affinity for most of our family, so that helps. I think they like being connected to their "kin" and that for most people, it's an important identity marker.

 

nm

Edited April 1, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[Janie Grace]

How old are your kids?

 

My kids are just SO different from cousins. Living drastically different lives. As they get older those differences are amplified and my kids feel SO out of step.

 

My kids are 7-18. They are living very, very different lives from their cousins. I consider it a really good opportunity to love people who are different and to find common ground. A good life lesson, IMO.

 

If their cousins were clearly a bad influence, I might limit contact. In our case, the cousins are way more conservative (they think we are heathens for watching movies).

[Julie Smith]

Family is sometimes not the people you are related to, or even raised with.

 

The sister my Dh is closest to is actually not his sister. My Dh has one sister, and when she was younger she was close friends with Nell. Through the years Nell lived with his parents. And then when my husbands dad had a stroke Nell moved in with him and took care of him for seven years. Out of all his family, my Dh is closet to Nell. When she was in financial trouble my Dh bought a house she liked and now she is doing a rent to own from him.

 

My parents hired a housekeeper almost a decade ago, Samanatha. We have all been their for her, and she had been their for us. When my Dh was diagnosed with skin cancer she is the one who came up and took care of my boys for two and a half day. (I didn't tell my family since I couldn't deal with my mother. She would have freaked out and made things more difficult.) due to her living far from me, I haven't seen her in years. But she is still the one who would be there for me regardless, and the same goes for us.

 

I think, what is more important then staying close to family, is regonizing when people around you have become family. Not because they married into the family, but because you all care for each other like family.

 

(Names changed.)

Edited March 26, 2017 by Julie Smith

[Alice]

I think maintaining relationships with family has multiple benefits. In an ideal world family members are the people who stick by you and will support you when needed. And you like being with them and have shared memories and experiences.

 

But I also think there is some value in learning to care about/respect/spend time with/support/etc people who you don't necessarily have anything in common with and who you may not always like. Sometimes my family members irk me or it can be difficult to be with them. I wouldn't necessarily choose to spend time with some of them if they weren't related to me by blood or marriage BUT I think that itself is a good thing to learn to do. 

 

It's similar in some ways to how you might feel about a marriage partner from time to time. Or a work relationship. Or a church family. Sometimes it's good to maintain a commitment to a person just because you have that commitment. 

 

That would obviously all be different if a family member is toxic in some way or if the relationship is in any way abusive. 

[maize]

Family has had much more staying power in my life than any friendship--there is a permanence to the relationship that just doesn't exist in any other context. Even when we haven't lived near each other or interacted often.

 

For example, I have a great uncle (my grandmother's younger brother) who I only met a handful of times growing up. Then a few years ago I discovered that the home we had recently moved to was just a few miles from his home. I have had the chance to visit with him and have found that there is in fact an automatic depth to the relationship that exists just because of the family connection.

 

I think that with the exception of actually toxic stuff going on within a family there is real value in maintaining ties across generations and distance.

Edited March 26, 2017 by maize

[mommaduck]

TCK/A and messed up extended family situation here, so take it for what it is worth.

You live two hours away, live your life your way, AND get to spend time with extended family (I'm presuming that this is mostly peaceable?). COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. Your children will go and do their thing. They will eventually have their families and come see you and each other. Extended family may become a once a year family reunion kind of thing. ENJOY IT. Nurture the relationships that are important to you and your children will do the same. Sometimes cousins ARE close and sometimes they are not. Now, if we are talking toxic relationships, disrespect, etc...then it's time to consider boundaries.

[lavender's green]

For background, we live a 2 day drive from our relatives. We rarely go there because it's a real pain to haul all the littles up there, and certain relatives have treated us like crud, so it feels like a waste of energy and vacation days. We're really getting to a place where our local friends and church family are emotionally closer. They see a much wider range of life in us, more of the joys and sorrows. Some of the grandparents (usually the ones who don't treat us like crud) come to visit about twice a year. The kids l.o.v.e. this. Even my baby who gets anxious around strangers was demanding that Grandpa pick her up and take her for a walk within minutes of his arrival, and she hasn't seen him in five months. Blood is real, and it's thick.

 

When I was growing up, I was very close with my mom's many siblings and their kids. Not so much anymore (I may or may not seek them out when I go up there this summer, which will be the first time in four years). But I wouldn't trade that closeness for the world. I learned a lot about people and relationships and differences. Very valuable stuff, even if the relationships are more of a distant memory nowadays.We have little in common now. We weren't at all close to my dad's side, and those people are mostly strangers today.

 

A few times a year we had to get together with my maternal grandma's siblings and their tribes. There were a couple second cousins I liked, but no longer have contact with, but most people referred to me as "belonging to one of the twins." Or to my grandma. Clear sign that they don't care about your personally! I didn't like these gatherings much. We had nothing in common with most people, some made me outright uncomfortable.

 

My husband's situation growing up sounds like yours now. His relatives were a couple hours away and they got together a few times a year. His parents still do, but there's really no way we'd seek them out unless it was exceptionally convenient.

 

So, to sum it up, if I were you, I would cut back on the family visits. 4-5 times a year is a lot for people who are that far away and different. Maybe stay at home for the major holidays and devote more time to your local friends.

 

I would, if I were you, still go to a couple family events per year and have the minors come along, because I do think it's important to get to know your family, even if they're pretty different. But I don't think you can make young adults go. If they're old enough to vote and choose a college major, they're old enough to decide which relatives they'll associate with. I'll be vague here...a certain relative decided that I MUST have a relationship with an abusive relative when I was in my early to mid twenties. That went stupendously badly. You cannot force relationships (not that I get the impression you want to!). And I don't think it's wise to try to make adult children show up. But minor children can come along to a couple events per year, to learn about their background and learn how to get along with people who are different.

[Garga]

Growing up, it was my mom, my dad, and me. That was it. We were in Maryland and the rest of the family was in California, so we were about as far apart as is possible on the mainland.

 

I met my aunt and uncle and cousin about 4 times growing up, on 1 week vacations.

 

Yet, when I was married, this aunt and uncle invited my dh and me to their house in California for a week. We were virtual strangers, my dh was a complete stranger, at yet...there we were at their house, eating their food, and all getting to know each other. When does that ever happen in any other scenario? Where you just randomly are invited to a stranger's house to live for a week?

 

My dh grew up in MD, but the rest of his family was in Pittsburg. He saw them on summer vacations. And when he took me to visit them, (only 2 times in 25 years), it was as if they'd known me forever. I was completely accepted as one of them, even though they're utter strangers to me. They treated me like, well...like family.

 

Somehow, even if you are complete, total strangers...you're not. For a kid who grew up with a mother and a father and for all intents and purposes no extended family, it's the weirdest thing.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Garga

[Julie Smith]

My thought on this is:

 

Imagine you are in need for some important and critical reason, who would you turn to? Would they be there for you? If they came to you with problems would you be there for them? Now those people you just thought of are your family.

[Catwoman]

I guess I'll be the naysayer here because I wouldn't disagree with the person who is neutral on extended family relationships.

 

If they don't feel a connection with those people, I see no reason to try to force a closer relationship with them.

[SKL]

When I was a kid, there was almost no contact with cousins.  Aunts and uncles didn't have much to do with us either.

 

Decades later, it's kind of neat that we share some background in common, but that's pretty much the extent of it, honestly.

 

My kids don't spend a ton of time with their cousins either, but it's more than I spent with mine.  I don't know whether they will be close as they grow.  There are significant age differences and, with the cousins who are closer in age, my kids find their parents kind of scary.  I guess I am not the right person to teach someone how important extended family is.  :P

[Tap]

I am not connected to my family at all.  I am the baby of a large family and have zero contact with anyone other than my mom.  I chat with her on the phone once every 1-2 months.  More often when she is asking for money.   My kids have seen that side of the family maybe 5 hours in the past 10 years.  When I want to show my kids pictures of my their cousins, I google their mug shots. (unfortunately, not kidding ).  I try to go home for some funerals (event only, no socializing), but otherwise have no desire to see anyone in my extended family. 

 

 

We see my husbands family at major holidays 3-4 times per year.  They are the only family my kids know.

 

 

I would discourage my kids from seeing or contacting anyone in my family.  If they wanted to anyways, we would need to have a very frank conversations about the dangers/concerns of each person they wanted to contact. It could open some doors that I have tried hard to keep closed. 

 

 

 

 

 

[mamaraby]

Imagine you are in need for some important and critical reason, who would you turn to? Would they be there for you? If they came to you with problems would you be there for them? Now those people you just thought of are your family.

This.

 

Sorry, no, shared genetics does not give you the right to be in my life if that's all there is to the relationship. Some families you're born into and there's enough other stuff there to make it stick. Other families? Those are the ones you choose yourself.

[Julie Smith]

This.

 

Sorry, no, shared genetics does not give you the right to be in my life if that's all there is to the relationship. Some families you're born into and there's enough other stuff there to make it stick. Other families? Those are the ones you choose yourself.

I meant that who ever you thought of, are your family. Perhaps not blood related, or even related in any way. But to me the definition of family is the people who will always be there for you, and whom you will always be there for. Regardless of blood or legal relationships. I have a sister, who isn't related to me in anyway. I don't call her my sister, but that is how I treat her, and she treats me.

[Amber in SJ]

I believe that there is an intangible and almost unbreakable bond between family members, for better or worse.  For example, growing up I have 4 siblings and we lived near grandparents & cousins.  My cousins were my first friends.  Now as adults we are living very different lives, but there is shared history.

 

 My MIL is a difficult woman.  She is bipolar, NPD & also has MS.  At the height of her undiagnosed/ unmedicated problems she was very toxic.  She lied, manipulated and physically harmed others.  But she is family.  I would never allow her to be alone with my children, but I want her to know them, and them to know her.  I would never tell my husband that he must have no contact with her the way that both my SILs have to her other sons, because she is his mother.  Her instability while he was growing up, in some ways shaped him into the man he is.  Also she set the bar really low for me so Dh thinks I am a great mom :)

 

 When my mom died last year, I felt untethered, unmoored.  I am a grown-up who has not lived at home since I was 18, almost 30 years ago.  What helped me was spending time with my siblings.  We now live in 4 different states.  We are different (very, very different people) but the shared pool of memories good & bad helped me to feel less alone.

 

Amber in SJ

[mamaraby]

I meant that who ever you thought of, are your family. Perhaps not blood related, or even related in any way. But to me the definition of family is the people who will always be there for you, and whom you will always be there for. Regardless of blood or legal relationships. I have a sister, who isn't related to me in anyway. I don't call her my sister, but that is how I treat her, and she treats me.

And I was agreeing with you.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'm not sure, I know I try to convince my children every day that my family is important and that we need to keep in touch and accept/forgive them for their mistakes.  They just don't see the value, we've lived 500-1500 miles from my family for most of the kids lives and really many of them are screw-ups or really not like us.  In the end I tell them it matters to me and I hope at least that will mean it matters to them.

[8circles]

I think that it's different for everyone.

 

I don't feel that blood makes bond for me. I grew up knowing my cousins and extended family. I have no bond with them today. 

[fairfarmhand]

I think that it's different for everyone.

 

I don't feel that blood makes bond for me. I grew up knowing my cousins and extended family. I have no bond with them today. 

nm

Edited April 1, 2017 by fairfarmhand

[ktgrok]

ITA!

See the people that I know who espouse the "Blood bonds are better and more permanent" view just don't resonate with me.

 

Probably because I grew up hundreds of miles from family members. We saw them 2-3 times a year but it just didn't affect me as THESE PEOPLE ARE MY PEOPLE!

 

 

 

That does make a huge difference. It's why we've stayed close to family, and why my parents moved closer to my sister and I. You really do need time together to forge bonds. Skype and the occasional birthday card are not enough. 

[8circles]

That does make a huge difference. It's why we've stayed close to family, and why my parents moved closer to my sister and I. You really do need time together to forge bonds. Skype and the occasional birthday card are not enough. 

 

I think this is a lovely thing when it exists. I just don't think it's so simple for many people/families. (Not saying you're saying it's simple, just jumping off from here.)

 

I grew up seeing my relatives regularly and pretty often - not in the same town but get-togethers several times a year, family vacations at each other's homes & family reunions, road trips together, etc. We just aren't bonded together.

 

In my personal experience, blood isn't enough for a bond - along with blood is are additional expectations of fitting into their group-think. You can only be different up to a point. This works great if you happen to be similar to your blood family - not so much if you aren't. 

[Guest2]

Sorry, i wouldn't know how to answer that. I have a huge extended family that I feel are no more important to me than any other acquaintance. I grew up with lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. When I moved away many years ago and didn't have much in common and didn't keep in touch(nor did they).I wish them well, but don't feel any connection. We were facebook friends for a while, then I decided to quit facebook.

 

Possibly they would go to weddings and funerals? It is always nice to have a crowd there.

Edited March 31, 2017 by Silver Brook

[Seasider]

You really do need time together to forge bonds. Skype and the occasional birthday card are not enough.

This is true, and true for relatives who live right in your own town, even. There doesn't have to be distance for there to be distance, iykwim.

Edited March 31, 2017 by Seasider

[Seasider]

NO QUOTING PLEASE

 

Summarized for privacy:

 

What would you tell someone who was kind of neutral on extended family relationships. Little in common other than DNA. How would you explain the value of the aunts uncles cousins etc. particularly when family groups live a significant distance apart.

My kids feel connected to distant (in all aspects) family because I have taken the time to relate interesting stories about the family history - ancestors, funny/amazing/scandalous stories, what their childhoods were like in a previous century, immigration stories, sketched out the family tree, shown them old photos...These conversations have piqued curiosity. My kids don't really have person-to-person connections with many of my family members, not even with aunts/uncles/first cousins/grandparents, but the twice in their lives they went to family reunions, they seemed to have a sense of place.

 

I personally wouldn't force a relationship based on the "blood is thicker than water" stance, if there's never going to be any reciprocity in the relationship. Sadly, my kids tried to love one of their grandmothers, but she never really cared to invest in getting to know them beyond that annual birthday/Christmas gift and having cute pictures to show off to her friends.