How do you cope on those days when your child says they don't like/love you?

[Cecropia]

Getting a taste of my own medicine, for all the times that I made my own mother's life a living H and could not have cared less.  She'd be in tears and say, "Someday, when you have your own kids..."

 

It's hard when anyone (let alone my child) says point blank that they don't like or care about me, and when they act like it's a normal day after they've said these snide words that could pierce the hardest heart.  I wonder if these are his true feelings that he's kept bottled up for a long time.  Did I think I knew him, when I didn't know him?  Is our relationship that bad?  It feels like a blast of cold wind.

 

I'm trying to tell myself that I was very selfish and callous once and my sense of empathy slowly grew over time.  I'm telling myself that I'm not his friend, I'm his parent, and it's time to pick myself back up and press on because that's love, and love doesn't demand to be reciprocated.  I know I'm not an easy person to love, anyway.

 

He mentions that maybe he should go back to public school, but I know that won't fix whatever underlying issue is between us.  It would be giving up and not loving to do so, because I am certain that the school here isn't serving his needs.

 

I can't help feeling kind of depressed, today.  It would help to hear from other parents who have been here.

[fraidycat]

I don't take much personally from them.

 

I just tell them "Well, I love you Always and forever. And, because I love you I'm trying to do what's best for you, whether either of us like it or not."

Edited January 23, 2017 by fraidycat

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well if you can remember back, why did you give your parents hell?  What were you thinking at that point?  I guess I try to remember how I felt.  Sometimes my feelings, quite frankly, were warranted.  I was sometimes very unhappy with my parent.  Most of the time though it was just I guess what I'd call growing pains.  You don't realize certain things until you get older.  And when angry or frustrated you lash out in a way you know will hurt (telling your sensitive parent you don't love them, for example).  But no matter what, I did love my mother.  I bet you did love your parents too. 

 

Not saying it's easy to let that roll off your back.  Definitely not. 

 

:grouphug:

[edelweiss]

I guess I just don't take it personally.  Honestly I expect that there will be days that my kids don't like me.  There are certainly days that I don't like them much (I always love them and would take a bullet for them without question, but there are days that they are not very likable).  I think that is normal.

 

 

[City Mouse]

In didn't take it personally and often sympathized with them. For a long time I called myself "the meanest mom in the world". My DS would tell me that I was the 2nd meanest mom because friend's mom was meaner. A bit of humor helps us all sometimes.

 

Also, sending him to public school might not fix your relationship, but it might cause less additional damage that keeping him at home.

If you can take school out of the mix, maybe you and he can fix other issues. It can be different if a school/teacher is making demands on the kid vs. mom making the same demands.

Again, it gives me the opportunity to sympathize with the kid. "I agree that ****** assignment is a pain, but that is what the teacher says you have to do, so you have to do it. How can I help?"

That can be so much easier for the kid than knowing that mom is giving the assignment that he hates.

[amy g.]

We had an insurance appraiser at the house, so I told my daughter to do some independent work until I was finished talking to him. She said I was the worst mother in the world.

 

I laughed and said,"You aren't the first kid who ever said that to me, and you won't be the last."

 

She also told me that Klingon (a cat known for abandoning and being mean to her kittens) was a better mother than I am.

 

Again, I laughed. I told her that I'd start watching Klingon more closely, and see if I could get some parenting tips from her.

 

I don't have to react, because I am very secure in how much my daughter loves me and how much I love her.

 

Since I am the mother, I provide her with the unshakeable wall of love that she is free to rail against, but can not damage.

 

In fact, my other children never did talk like that to me. I have one who has told others behind my back what a terrible mother I am, but I laughed about that too.

 

I have one who I believes actually thinks I'm a good mother and one who is still too young to question my performance yet.

 

But I remain the same to them all. It's my job.

[6packofun]

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way today. I always love you even when you don't like me and even when YOU do something that makes me mad or sad. I'm sure tomorrow will be better for both of us, OK?  Boy, love takes a lot of work!"

 

I literally said that almost word for word to my 10yo ds yesterday.  LOL  And hey, today WAS better!  :laugh:

[Barb_]

I'll be a dissenter. When my kids act like butt heads, I tell them they shouldn't talk that way. It's fine to think black thoughts, but words have power to hurt people. It's ok for some thoughts to go on unexpressed. If they wouldn't talk that way to a friend or trusted adult, why would it be okay to say hurtful things to the people who love you most? Too many grown ups think verbal vomit is okay because they never picked up on the fact that it's NOT OKAY. It makes the vomiter feel better but everyone else in the room is covered in slime.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Barb_

[KrissiK]

I don't take it personally.

[Guest]

Since I am the mother, I provide her with the unshakeable wall of love that she is free to rail against, but can not damage

That's some kind of a wonderful quote you got there, amy g.

[Katy]

Kid, "I hate you!"

 

Me (bubbly, on days when it's easier to not take things personally), "No you don't.  You're angry you're not getting your way right now, but you love me and I love you.  It's difficult to not be in control of your life, but I'm older and wiser than you and I made this decision for good reason.  One day you'll thank me for making it."

 

<OR>

 

Me (flatly, on the soul-crushing days), "... ... ... Are you finished? ... My decision hasn't changed just because you tried to hurt my feelings, but being emotionally abusive isn't okay with me either.  You're on restriction for the rest of the day, and that will be extended until you can come to me with an apology and a better attitude."

 

Yep, runs the gamut.

[Ravin]

I would simply react honestly. Tell them it hurts, and that since they feel that way, you would rather not deal with them right now, and send them to their room.

[Tap]

Wellp, DD10 tends to smoosh it all together, so I get it all on one swoop.

 

"your a F...n B...h. I hate you. I wish you would die. You want me to die. You hate me. You never loved me"

 

I just say..."Right now you may feel that way, but I love you and I will always love you. "  Wash, rinse, repeat.  That is the only response she gets out of me when she gets mean.  I figure that when they are yelling and screaming, they aren't listening anyways, so I don't bother talking.  I just reiterate that I love her. Maybe it is more to remind myself than her LOL, but it keeps me from saying things I will regret later. 

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Wellp, DD10 tends to smoosh it all together, so I get it all on one swoop.

 

"your a F...n B...h. I hate you. I wish you would die. You want me to die. You hate me. You never loved me"

 

I just say..."Right now you may feel that way, but I love you and I will always love you. " Wash, rinse, repeat. That is the only response she gets out of me when she gets mean. I figure that when they are yelling and screaming, they aren't listening anyways, so I don't bother talking. I just reiterate that I love her. Maybe it is more to remind myself than her LOL, but it keeps me from saying things I will regret later.

Lots of colorful language here, too!

 

I say "done yet?" When he's done, I tell him I love him and I'm ready for a hug when he is. That usually gets a few more choice words before he comes apologizing and we hug.

[Valley Girl]

Well, first I think it's great if people can say they don't take it personally, mean it truly, and just move on. I'm not that person. The words hurt because--at least in the moment--they're meant to hurt. So I push it down as far as it can go so that I can continue to do my job of parenting. My usual response is "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you very much and always will." Then I put some space between us and go do something that makes me feel useful and in control of my day until child reaches a point at which he is starts to calm down and shows some openness (however small) to reconnection. Then I help him.

 

I will say that over time and with repeated statements like that (even with diagnosed issues at the root of it), it does become harder to let it go. I find the notion--often expressed to me IRL--that I should just be able to let horrid, hurtful things just roll off my back a bit puzzling. I don't stop feeling just because I'm a parent. It's because I'm a parent that I have to keep trying despite the hurt.

 

 

Edited January 24, 2017 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[KungFuPanda]

Kids can have feelings that are bigger than themselves and they can also feel "safe" to say ANYTHING to their mothers because they are secure that Mom will continue to love them. Often they will use ANY weapon in their arsenal to get their way. You have to just keep parenting, even when they push back and know all your buttons. If you're consistent, loving, reasonable, and fair it will pay off most of the time.

 

Don't take it personally or make it about you. This is especially important once adolescent hormones kick in. Just remember your goal to raise kind, decent human beings and keep plugging on. If you get all fragile and heartbroken whenever a kid says something hurtful, you're in for some tumultuous teen years. I know it stings, and I don't know you, but the odds that you are a good mother and your kid is just being a twerp are REALLY high.

[Amy in NH]

I'd give them a hug and tell them that even when they don't like or love me I still love them, and even when I don't like what they've done or said I still love them.

 

Then I might try to help them find other words.  "I understand you're angry/frustrated/upset with me because you didn't get your way." 

 

Eventually they learn a better vocabulary to express themselves, and also that emotional jabs won't affect your behavior toward them.

[KungFuPanda]

Well, first I think it's great if people can say they don't take it personally, mean it truly, and just move on. I'm not that person. The words hurt because--at least in the moment--they're meant to hurt. So I push it down as far as it can go so that I can continue to do my job of parenting. My usual response is "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you very much and always will." Then I put some space between us and go do something that makes me feel useful and in control of my day until child reaches a point at which he is starts to calm down and shows some openness (however small) to reconnection. Then I help him.

 

I will say that over time and with repeated statements like that (even with diagnosed issues at the root of it), it does become harder to let it go. I find the notion--often expressed to me IRL--that I should just be able to let horrid, hurtful things just roll off my back a bit puzzling. I don't stop feeling just because I'm a parent. It's because I'm a parent that I have to keep trying despite the hurt.

"Don't take it personally" doesn't mean you don't FEEL harsh words. Of course you do and you have to address that behavior, because it's no way to speak to anyone you love. "Don't take it personally" means knowing that your kid has some strong, negative feelings right now but they don't really hate you. It's not a reflection on you, but a symptom that growing up is HARD and your kid has hit a rough patch on his way to becoming a fine young man. It's your job to work out all of the bugs now so that he's not released into the world as an adult who says horrible things to people. Sometimes the job just sucks.

[Storygirl]

I am very sensitive by nature. My children don't say that they don't like me or love me, but they are often rude to me. I would never have behaved that way to someone else, and it hurts. I homeschooled for a long time but eventually did send my children to school, because it was better for our relationship. I knew that someone else could teach them academics, but no one else could be their mom. And they needed a mom who could be resilient and not feel hurt all the time.

 

OP, if you are seriously wondering if sending your kids to school might improve your relationship, it is possible that it might. It may not end up being the best solution for you, but you could consider it. In our case, having the kids in school does not magically change the dynamic into something completely hunky dory. But with some time each day away from the emotional battles, I can better handle the moments of stress that can and do occur when we are together (in our case, we deal with multiple cases of ADHD, emotional regulation, and impulse control, among other issues, so there is almost always at least an undercurrent of tension around here). 

[TABmom]

I'm another one that doesn't take it personally. Maybe because I have a kid with issues and he's said that to me regularly since he was 3. I always respond "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you enough for both of us." We've recently started meds and he's already a LOT better about this kind of thing.

[Katy]

I was thinking about this.  There's a book called The Four Agreements - one of them is to never take anything personally.  I found the book to be a little bit new-age for my taste, but the part about how and why to never take anything personally has stuck with me.  You might want to check it out. It was a huge bestseller 10 or so years ago, most libraries probably have it.

[Barb_]

I'm not going to allow a dc to be verbally abusive.

 

I would tell them (and have told them) that if they are angry or resentful about something, that they need to express it in a straightforward manner without name-calling, ridicule, insults, put-downs, deliberately hurtful comments, etc. This is the standard of personal interaction I expect from them.

 

I worked hard on them in this area as siblings as well.

 

I have a long history of dealing with narcissists, so I'm pretty militant about this, unfortunately.

Same. I grew up with a dad who said horrible, hateful things to me. I don't have the armor. I'm also terrified of allowing any of that to become normalized in our household. I'd rather err on the side of caution when it comes to allowing hateful words toward anyone in the family.

 

ETA: so yelling, "I'm sick of schoolwork and I'm mad that you keep making me do it and frustrated because I JUST DON'T GET THIS MATH" is perfectly acceptable. Yelling, "I hate you for making me do this stinky math and it's all your fault," is definitely not ok.

Edited January 24, 2017 by Barb_

[Cecropia]

I want to thank everyone who replied.  Ds and I talked about our respective feelings, we're attempting to connect more outside of the school hours, and the last few days have been much better.