I feel bad about feeling bad about Xmas

[Tiramisu]

I am a Christian so I should be joyfully awaiting Christmas, right?

 

But the way it's celebrated feels all about money and I am hurting money-wise right now, probably more in my mind than in reality, though. We'll manage somehow.

 

I just had to take a chunk out of my emergency account and use the last of the college account my grandfather set up for DD to pay her last semester of college. I should be celebrating that feat but instead I'm stressing out, especially because her old, faithful laptop finally reached it's last byte. That will also have to be replaced soon before the start of next semester.

 

And a dear friend passed away so I put something in for those needs. That's something I wouldn't want to do differently.

 

And in my grief, I wasn't paying attention and accidentally paid my full home and auto insurance balance instead of the regular payment, putting it on a credit card I usually pay off every month.

 

I'm also the same person who complained last week about unknowingly showing up at a charity concert where I unexpectedly had to shell out big bucks for tickets to see DD play, when I thought it was a free church-related concert.

 

All of this financial strain is making me forget the true meaning of Christmas and feel overwhelmed about stupid money, worse than I ever have before.

 

I told my family not to spend money on Christmas for me but they like to give me presents.

 

They have simple requests and are already taken care of for the most part, so I'm not feeling like I have to buy more. It's just the burden of expenses right now is sucking the joy of Christmas right out of me.

 

Am I alone in this? I can't be.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Tiramisu

[Pawz4me]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.  :grouphug:

[Rachel]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I hope you are able to find peace and enjoy Christmas despite your extra stress.

[JustEm]

Hugs.. you're not alone at all. Advent is almost over and I never pulled out my candles. I generally love the peaceful time of advent and spend it deep in prayer and in a good place mentally. Then Christmas comes and I'm even more excited. Not this year. I'm miserable and don't care about either season currently. Money is a huge factor but so are issues with my dh, which spring from the money issue so it is all related. We will get passed this all but it is really putting a damper on how I feel about celebrating. Then watching everyone around me celebrating just makes me worse.

 

Hugs, I hope you feel better before Christmas actually arrives

[MotherGoose]

Your stress is not about Jesus. Don't feel you need to be joyful about the additions Man has made to a religious celebration, and remember that the church made it a religious holiday to compete with pagan traditions.

[Liz CA]

Oh, I know this sinking feeling.

Here is a - hopefully - practical suggestion:

Check out refurbished Lenovo laptops.

 

And about the commercial feeling regarding Christmas: I find it helps to just stay away from screens and out of stores. Make a short(er) list of things that need not be expensive. Take a walk, craft something, listen to your favorite Christmas music.

And...don't open any annual Christmas letters from people who like to brag. I hear some people still send them out.  :)

[creekland]

I wish we could more or less skip Christmas this year, except for my boys coming home and getting to spend time with them.

 

I've bought gifts and sent out cards to keep with tradition, but nothing in the house is decorated and might not be.  I did buy a small Poinsettia from Wally World.  That might count as our tree.

 

My mom's health issues are my prime concern TBH.  2017 is not going to be the greatest for us.

 

This season has been more of a drain financially than it usually is too with needed repairs and replacements of items like our dishwasher and UV light for our well water.  :glare:

 

I don't think God minds that I'm just not into the man-made parts of the holiday.  Technically I don't even think Jesus was born in Dec - it doesn't fit the story seasonally.  The whole thing is likely man-made.  It's fun other years, but I'm not going to feel guilty as modifying a bit of it this year.

[Annie G]

I don't think you need to feel guilty about being down. Some years are like that. :grouphug:

 

 We've had an awful year that has included dh having a second heart attack and needing double bypass, then he broke his foot while recovering. His employer is laying off people left and right. His mom has dementia and in October broke her hip, which required surgery. During pre-op workup they found she has two types of lung cancer, and it's a terminal diagnosis. This lady has already battled breast cancer twice. So yeah, we're not feeling the joy this season, and 2017 isn't looking good, either. 

 

We put the tree up last weekend, but only put about half the usual decorations on. Haven't done any shopping or cards.  It is what it is. We're doing the best we can and it's ok. 

 

[cjzimmer1]

We had 3 appliances break in the last 6 weeks and another 6 home related things break that all required quickly fixing (curtain rod being pulled out of the wall on the huge front window  and leaving us on display for all the neighbors and required not just reinstalling but purchasing a new rod for example).  It has totally sucked all energy and money we've had to fix things and keep things running.  I spend hours a day either fixing things (because I'm not very handy and everything takes me 10x longer than the estimates) or researching how to fix things.  Add to that we have two kids with birthdays this month and another next month.  I don't like shopping much to begin with but add the stress of other pressing projects and the limited resources, and I'd really like to say we just aren't doing presents this year.  But I don't know how to explain that in any meaningful way to the kids.

 

So no you are not alone, I'm just sorry so many are in this boat together with you.

[Garga]

Don't feel bad about feeling bad.

 

I've had Christmases where I've sobbed my eyes out. Actually, probably it's been 50/50 since I've been an adult. I've sobbed through half of my Christmases.

 

This year happens to be a good year for us, so I'm enjoying it while I can and not thinking too hard. I know that it's not always like this each year and I don't want to start getting maudlin remembering years past.

 

Christmas is an overblown, mostly secular holiday at this point. It started off as a single mass in church, and then became a *thing*, mostly in America. Our boardies from other countries posted last year that Christmas just isn't as big a deal there as here. I don't feel a drop of guilt for not feeling particularly spiritual about Christmas. Jesus said to celebrate his death and resurrection, not his birth, so I've always felt slightly uneasy about anything to do with Christmas in a spirital sense. I do see it as a mostly secular holiday and not the simple mass it started out as.

 

It's ok if this is a bad year. There will be bad ones and there will be good ones. You can feel bad--it'll happen from time to time; but don't bother feeling bad about feeling bad.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Garga

[Seasider]

(((Tiramisu)))

 

I pray that the Lord will stir a deep joy in your heart that has nothing to do with the commercial season and everything to do with His unspeakable gift of mercy and grace.

 

I am with a lot of y'all, worldly burdens have put a damper on my preparations and enthusiasm. I am thankful for the One who does not change with seasons and decorations.

[RioSamba]

Christian joy doesn't mean "Hallmark" happiness. It is a deeper feeling stemming from our relationship with God, from accepting His love, and his sacrifice. The fallen world is hitting you hard right now. We weren't made to live in this fallen world, and it's painful! You are not alone. Hugs.

[Tanaqui]

I'm not a Christian at all, but it seems to me that the same person who said that Sabbath was made for humans and not the other way around would be totally okay with you feeling the way you do about Christmas... especially when it's the secular aspects and your budget that are causing you stress and not the religious parts of the holiday.

 

My telling this won't make you not feel guilty, but you should know that it's perfectly all right to not be too excited about Christmas this year. Expenses and the loss of a good friend would make anybody feel sad/stressed/worried. I really hope next year is better.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Tanaqui

[Guest]

Some years are so hard, even with the hope of Christ in us. Really. Grief and stress and pain are very real, and feeling them is necessary - it doesn't honor God to stuff down our emotions and put on a big grin, you know?. Joy and happiness aren't the same thing, and just because you're in a painful season doesn't mean you lack assurance or real enduring joy. There are so many other believers right there beside you in pain during this season. It doesn't mean Jesus loves you any less because you're not gleefully erecting a plastic nativity and running up mountains of credit debt on an arbitrary day.

 

:grouphug:

Edited December 15, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[fairfarmhand]

I almost always feel kinda grumpy about Christmas, and can't anticipate it up till the day or two before. I'm totally overwhelmed with the month of Christmas that precedes the holiday. Too much to do and it overwhelms me.

 

This morning I was reading the first chapter of John.

 

Verse 14 is my favorite "Christmas verse," even though it's  not an official Christmas chapter.

 

"And the word became flesh and dwelt among us. And we have seen his glory, glory as from the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."

 

And my favorite, verse 16

 

"And from his fulness, we have all received, Grace upon Grace."

 

That's my Christmas right there. Its the beginning of the story of Grace.

 

So if you can't get into Christmas, it's okay. The Grace is still there when your emotions catch up.

[mommyoffive]

Just sending a huge hug. 

 

We have had not such fun Christmas seasons too.  But remember this will pass.   

[Another Lynn]

:grouphug:   I hate the financial side of Christmas and trying to please the expectation of others (it wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't......) without doing insane, wasteful things financially.  I hate it.  I wish we didn't do gifts at all this time of year.   :grouphug:   

[J-rap]

Money stress is so... stressful!!  What has helped me in the past is to work it all out on paper so that I can see how we'll pay things off.  So for example, if we can pay $50/month toward a $250 debt, I know we'll be able to pay it off in five months or so.  Once I do that, it can feel a lot better.

 

Apart from that, try not to put pressure on yourself to feel the right way during the Christmas season just because it's the Christmas season.  Our subconscious ideas of what we're supposed to be feeling on Christmas can sometimes be a little wacky or unrealistic.  A difficult situation is still difficult, even on Christmas.  But God is in it with us.

 

Our own traditions have varied a lot.  Sometimes we do a lot, other times we don't, and other times we can't.  Sometimes a sparse or very different Christmas can give a person fresh insight into God's great gift of love and why we're here.   Or it might not.   :)  It's all okay.

[Seasider]

Tiramisu, I'm wondering... On the surprise-expensive-ticket thread, iirc, you mentioned that your husband didn't get upset because he doesn't handle the finances. I'm wondering if you are heaping a big burden on yourself and keeping it all close to the vest. This is an assumption, and I may be off base, but if it's all "on you," maybe it's time to have a team meeting and make budgeting and bill paying a team sport. Just a thought, please disregard if not applicable.

[JustEm]

Tiramisu, I'm wondering... On the surprise-expensive-ticket thread, iirc, you mentioned that your husband didn't get upset because he doesn't handle the finances. I'm wondering if you are heaping a big burden on yourself and keeping it all close to the vest. This is an assumption, and I may be off base, but if it's all "on you," maybe it's time to have a team meeting and make budgeting and bill paying a team sport. Just a thought, please disregard if not applicable.

I was wondering the same thing mainly because that is where my stress came from. I do all the finances and dh really doesn't have a clue about them. Because of that he spent $120 at Target(Christmas gifts) the same day I paid all the rest of December's bills and did the grocery shopping. Normally he uses the credit card so as long as I know how much he spent I can accommodate it with our bank account.

 

So the next day when we went to get our tree I knew exactly how much should be in our account. Well I was wrong because he spent so much and the card was declined. Luckily we had the credit card.

 

Dh doesn't generally overspend and I wouldn't say he did this time either, it is just the timing of it all. And the burden falls entirely on me because he has no idea of our finances. We've tried having him deal with it with me but it never seems to stick.

[Tiramisu]

I don't think you need to feel guilty about being down. Some years are like that. :grouphug:

 

We've had an awful year that has included dh having a second heart attack and needing double bypass, then he broke his foot while recovering. His employer is laying off people left and right. His mom has dementia and in October broke her hip, which required surgery. During pre-op workup they found she has two types of lung cancer, and it's a terminal diagnosis. This lady has already battled breast cancer twice. So yeah, we're not feeling the joy this season, and 2017 isn't looking good, either.

 

We put the tree up last weekend, but only put about half the usual decorations on. Haven't done any shopping or cards. It is what it is. We're doing the best we can and it's ok.

I'm sorry to hear all this and for all you've been going through.

 

I hope some peace and joy comes your way this season!

[Tiramisu]

We had 3 appliances break in the last 6 weeks and another 6 home related things break that all required quickly fixing (curtain rod being pulled out of the wall on the huge front window and leaving us on display for all the neighbors and required not just reinstalling but purchasing a new rod for example). It has totally sucked all energy and money we've had to fix things and keep things running. I spend hours a day either fixing things (because I'm not very handy and everything takes me 10x longer than the estimates) or researching how to fix things. Add to that we have two kids with birthdays this month and another next month. I don't like shopping much to begin with but add the stress of other pressing projects and the limited resources, and I'd really like to say we just aren't doing presents this year. But I don't know how to explain that in any meaningful way to the kids.

 

So no you are not alone, I'm just sorry so many are in this boat together with you.

Big hugs and good wishes for you, too.

[Tiramisu]

(((Tiramisu)))

 

I pray that the Lord will stir a deep joy in your heart that has nothing to do with the commercial season and everything to do with His unspeakable gift of mercy and grace.

 

I am with a lot of y'all, worldly burdens have put a damper on my preparations and enthusiasm. I am thankful for the One who does not change with seasons and decorations.

Amen, sister!

[Tiramisu]

:grouphug: I hate the financial side of Christmas and trying to please the expectation of others (it wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't......) without doing insane, wasteful things financially. I hate it. I wish we didn't do gifts at all this time of year. :grouphug:

Christmas without gifts would be really something to appreciate.

[maize]

Christmas without gifts would be really something to appreciate.

Have you asked your family how they might feel about actually doing this?

 

Special food and music are the things I love about Christmas; gifts are actually only a small part of the holiday for my family. We do stocking stuffers only for individual gifts, plus usually some kind of nice family gift. We don't exchange gifts at all outside of immediate family except for one of my siblings each year (we draw names) and those gifts are supposed to stay in the $20 range.

 

We spent more money than usual this year because the family gift is a membership to our local indoor pool, but the kids would also be perfectly happy with a couple of new board games as a family gift if finances were really tight. The stocking stuffers will be small plastic dinosaurs (dinosaurs in the stockings have become a tradition), some colorful gel pens, oranges and candy.

Edited December 15, 2016 by maize

[Tiramisu]

Tiramisu, I'm wondering... On the surprise-expensive-ticket thread, iirc, you mentioned that your husband didn't get upset because he doesn't handle the finances. I'm wondering if you are heaping a big burden on yourself and keeping it all close to the vest. This is an assumption, and I may be off base, but if it's all "on you," maybe it's time to have a team meeting and make budgeting and bill paying a team sport. Just a thought, please disregard if not applicable.

You're absolutely right. I'm the one who handles money...and medical stuff.

 

I let dh and even the kids know to be careful, but I worry about handing over the reins. Dh is awesome with coming up with good plans but he can never carry them out. It's true. He knows it since we recently had a talk about it.

 

I do feel very burdened. But, sadly, I see making this a team effort potentially more stress inducing.

 

And the burden of bearing the medical stuff has been very hard. Thankfully, we really haven't had major issues in the last year.

 

Thank you for thinking of me this way and for being so perceptive. I just don't have a good solution.

 

I am a person who thinks ahead too much and dh doesn't at all.

[Tiramisu]

I was wondering the same thing mainly because that is where my stress came from. I do all the finances and dh really doesn't have a clue about them. Because of that he spent $120 at Target(Christmas gifts) the same day I paid all the rest of December's bills and did the grocery shopping. Normally he uses the credit card so as long as I know how much he spent I can accommodate it with our bank account.

 

So the next day when we went to get our tree I knew exactly how much should be in our account. Well I was wrong because he spent so much and the card was declined. Luckily we had the credit card.

 

Dh doesn't generally overspend and I wouldn't say he did this time either, it is just the timing of it all. And the burden falls entirely on me because he has no idea of our finances. We've tried having him deal with it with me but it never seems to stick.

This sounds very familiar.

[Tiramisu]

I appreciate all these replies. Thanks to everyone!

[trulycrabby]

One more reply...I hate Christmas, but suck it up and get through it every year because the people I love cherish the day. DH just hugs me and calls me his little scrooge. :ack2:

 

The only decoration we have this year is a plain lighted tree, since our two teenage kittens love to spend much of their day destroying the decorations.

Edited December 15, 2016 by trulycrabby

[Alice]

I've started to think about Christmas like I felt about my wedding. I was not at all excited about my wedding. It was huge and full of people I didn't know; I"m an introvert. I hate being the center of attention. I had very little interest in all the details of the day. BUT I was really looking forward to being married. So I was excited about the reason for the big party, if not the big party itself. Same for Christmas. Maybe not the best analogy but it's working for me. 

 

Give yourself permission to not love the season. I think half of Christmas stress for people is the constant message that it's such a WONDERFUL TIME and everything is JOY JOY JOY and happiness and candy canes and blah, blah, blah. 

 

Me, I'm looking forward a LOT to Dec 27th. Family will be gone. I'm off of work. We're off of school. Ahhh, let the good times roll....

[kbutton]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Tiramisu]

Have you asked your family how they might feel about actually doing this?

 

Special food and music are the things I love about Christmas; gifts are actually only a small part of the holiday for my family. We do stocking stuffers only for individual gifts, plus usually some kind of nice family gift. We don't exchange gifts at all outside of immediate family except for one of my siblings each year (we draw names) and those gifts are supposed to stay in the $20 range.

 

We spent more money than usual this year because the family gift is a membership to our local indoor pool, but the kids would also be perfectly happy with a couple of new board games as a family gift if finances were really tight. The stocking stuffers will be small plastic dinosaurs (dinosaurs in the stockings have become a tradition), some colorful gel pens, oranges and candy.

This is a really nice idea.

[PeterPan]

Misu, if you call them, will the insurance company refund and fix the charges? I'll bet they would. :)