So, Glennon Doyle Melton...

[Janie Grace]

...just announced that she's in love with a woman. (Well, not JUST... two days ago.) 

 

https://www.facebook.com/glennondoylemelton/posts/10154703803624710:0

 

I'm sort of stunned. I've long known she is very accepting towards LGBT folks and of a non-traditional religious bent. But after reading her two books, I just didn't have an inkling. At all.

 

This is the thing... apart from conservative Christians calling out her beliefs on homosexuality, no one seems to be saying, "wait, what?" GDM separated from her dh this past August, met Abby Wambach in September on her book tour RIGHT when she had separated from her dh, and now she has found "her person" and is deeply in love. Abby W. separated from her wife in September (after a DUI in April, admitting that she has been abusing Rx drugs for years, the iconic kiss in July)... and now, in November, they are declaring their love to the world talking about family dinners and how they are a modern family, etc. And all of GDM's fans are telling her how beautiful and brave and wonderful it is.

 

I'm sorry but I don't get it. I feel like there is this pressure to scream "LOVE WINS!" because it's GDM or because it's a gay relationship... if you have concerns, you're a homophobic hater. But seriously... if this was a new male partner, don't you think people would be saying, "Glennon, are you sure you're ready? This person has only been clean four months, tops. You both JUST ended long-term marriages. Don't you think you might want to take this slow?..."

 

I mean, I guess there's the possibility they left their partners for each other. Now that I think about it, that's a pretty strong possibility, given the timing. 

 

Obviously this is none of my business, but because she's a public, influential figure, it's on my radar and on my mind.

 

How did you react? Were you surprised? 

[Guest]

Nm, feels like gossip.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[SparklyUnicorn]

I know nothing about any of this, but hard to be mad at someone who seems happy so...

 

 

[marbel]

I have never heard of her, so I don't have an opinion on her situation specifically.

 

But, I had a friend who left her husband of 20+ years and within a few weeks she was in love with and planning to marry a woman.  It was obvious - and she later confirmed - that she had been having an affair while still married.  Anyone who expressed concern (are you moving too fast) or disapproval when asked for opinions (no, I don't think it was OK that you were cheating on your husband while still married to him) was accused of homophobia. It didn't matter that people would have been just as concerned if she'd left her husband for another man.  The fact that she was marrying a woman was supposed to trump everything else, and to be less than ecstatic about her new situation was, well, friendship-ending because we were, you know, haters. 

 

 

[JustEm]

I don't know who the woman is your talking about but it doesn't surprise me. My fil separated from my mil the day after dh and I got married. They had been married 25 years. It took him another 2 years to tell his family he was gay. No one knee but once he told them they weren't shocked, well mil was. But his kids and siblings weren't really. He had likely met someone shortly after leaving mil but wasn't ready to be public.

 

And dh separated from his first wife a month before meeting me. It was his separation that brought us together because he was specifically seeking out a new circle of friends. He wasn't looking for a girlfriend but couldn't ignore his feelings once we became close. 7 months later we were married.

[Janie Grace]

I have never heard of her, so I don't have an opinion on her situation specifically.

 

But, I had a friend who left her husband of 20+ years and within a few weeks she was in love with and planning to marry a woman.  It was obvious - and she later confirmed - that she had been having an affair while still married.  Anyone who expressed concern (are you moving too fast) or disapproval when asked for opinions (no, I don't think it was OK that you were cheating on your husband while still married to him) was accused of homophobia. It didn't matter that people would have been just as concerned if she'd left her husband for another man.  The fact that she was marrying a woman was supposed to trump everything else, and to be less than ecstatic about her new situation was, well, friendship-ending because we were, you know, haters. 

 

Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying. GMD separated 3 months ago, Abby separated 2 months ago, and now they are together and serious enough to announce to the world that they are in love, but they only *met* in the past 6 weeks? I'm dubious, and I don't think it's a good foundation. Plus coming out with such a detailed, passionate explanation of a brand-new relationship just seems either inauthentic (it's not brand-new) or seriously unwise (because how deeply sure can you be after 6 weeks?).

 

But yeah, sharing these thoughts I KNOW would get me pegged a hater within her fandom.

[Janie Grace]

Surprised that y'all don't know of Glennon (Momastery). She is highly revered around here (i.e., the 30-45 year old women I know). Same tribe at Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, etc. 

[regentrude]

How did you react? Were you surprised? 

 

I have no clue who this person is or why I should have any reaction to a stranger's relationships.

[AnnE-girl]

I said it on the other thread, but more than anything, I'd be concerned about bringing someone that newly sober into a family with kids. Isn't that a giant red flag for someone who has struggled with addiction? That just seems like a lot of changes to throw at your kids at once. If their love is so wonderful and perfect, it would still be that way if they waited a little longer to let the kids adjust to their parents' divorce first. The gender of the new partner has nothing to do with it. Let the kids grieve the family that they lost before adding a new partner to their "modern family."

[Janie Grace]

I have no clue who this person is or why I should have any reaction to a stranger's relationships.

 

Well, both of her books have been #1 NYT bestsellers; the current one is Oprah's book club book. She's not a "nobody." I'm not sure why you posted if you don't know of her except to send a message that this is a stupid thread... as always happens at least once on threads about famous people around here.  :lol:

[Janie Grace]

I said it on the other thread, but more than anything, I'd be concerned about bringing someone that newly sober into a family with kids. Isn't that a giant red flag for someone who has struggled with addiction? That just seems like a lot of changes to throw at your kids at once. If their love is so wonderful and perfect, it would still be that way if they waited a little longer to let the kids adjust to their parents' divorce first. The gender of the new partner has nothing to do with it. Let the kids grieve the family that they lost before adding a new partner to their "modern family."

 

Oh, I didn't realize there was already a thread on this. I searched but didn't see it. 

 

Yes, I had those thoughts as well. 

[Tammi K]

Surprised that y'all don't know of Glennon (Momastery). She is highly revered around here (i.e., the 30-45 year old women I know). Same tribe at Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, etc. 

 

Hmmm, I must live under a rock because I don't know who those women are either.

[AnnE-girl]

Oh, I didn't realize there was already a thread on this. I searched but didn't see it.

 

Yes, I had those thoughts as well.

Someone posted an article about her new relationship on an old thread that shared GDM's post about her old kitchen, and the joy of her family in it. I think I'm the only one who commented after that. :-)

[Farrar]

Janie Grace, it's okay, I totally know who she is and was also sort of surprised though I haven't followed her enough to be shocked because I don't know her stuff that well... but I'm now surprised people on this forum don't know her. She's a small time celeb, but of the sort I'd expect this crowd to mostly have heard of.

 

I think it's that... if someone is coming to the realization of their true sexuality, it's hard to be down on that. I'd be a lot more concerned about Abby Wambach just because she's so newly sober.

[regentrude]

Well, both of her books have been #1 NYT bestsellers; the current one is Oprah's book club book. She's not a "nobody." I'm not sure why you posted if you don't know of her except to send a message that this is a stupid thread... as always happens at least once on threads about famous people around here.  

 

I posted because even if I knew who she was, I still don't see why one should gossip about her sexuality. It's her business. And if this was a new male partner, it is quite likely that would not warrant a thread talking about her relationship.

Edited November 16, 2016 by regentrude

[Zinnia]

I posted because even if I knew who she was, I still don't see why one should gossip about her sexuality. It's her business. And if this was a new male partner, it is quite likely that would not warrant a thread talking about her relationship.

 

She's sort of the type of blogger/writer that throws out everything she's ever thought and/or felt.  Her entire brand/books/blog is based upon very, very personal information.  

[Noreen Claire]

*sigh*

 

I read her first book and thought it was amazing. I laughed, I cried. I laughed some more. I borrowed her 2nd book from the library and as soon as I got it I heard about her separating from her husband. I returned the book without reading it... It just didn't feel right to read a book written about saving her marriage when the marriage actually ended.

 

I hope her kids are doing okay. Male or female new partner, this must be a stressful time for them.

[JustEm]

Surprised that y'all don't know of Glennon (Momastery). She is highly revered around here (i.e., the 30-45 year old women I know). Same tribe at Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, etc.

I don't know who those other people are either

[SparklyUnicorn]

I recognized the Wombat lady (that's what we call her) because my husband follows soccer.

 

Otherwise, no didn't hear of this person.

 

 

[ktgrok]

I had the same reaction. When not just one, but two people are fresh off of bad relationships, one has a history of substance abuse and has only been clean a very short time and the other has some mental health issues they have struggled with...that doesn't scream "stable" to me. Date if you want, but for crying out loud, don't involve the kids so quickly. 

 

And I will say I have been divorced, and I met my now husband and soul make only 6 months after separating. I knew in minutes I would marry him. I had been through counseling for years, etc, but still didn't introduce my son to DH until we'd been dating at least six months, might have been more. And then, only as a "friend" at first. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I had the same reaction. When not just one, but two people are fresh off of bad relationships, one has a history of substance abuse and has only been clean a very short time and the other has some mental health issues they have struggled with...that doesn't scream "stable" to me. Date if you want, but for crying out loud, don't involve the kids so quickly. 

 

And I will say I have been divorced, and I met my now husband and soul make only 6 months after separating. I knew in minutes I would marry him. I had been through counseling for years, etc, but still didn't introduce my son to DH until we'd been dating at least six months, might have been more. And then, only as a "friend" at first. 

 

Hey, crazy people want love too.

 

I imagine for as open as she is, maybe she doesn't tell every single detail.

[ktgrok]

I posted because even if I knew who she was, I still don't see why one should gossip about her sexuality. It's her business. And if this was a new male partner, it is quite likely that would not warrant a thread talking about her relationship.

 

I have zero interest in her sexuality. I do have concerns about bringing a new parent figure into her kids' lives only a few months after divorcing their father, one who is struggling with addiction issues on top of it. 

 

I take that back...I will say the only concern I have regarding her sexuality is that for her kids, having a divorce, then learning mom is a lesbian, then having a new parental figure in your life all in 3 months time seems like a LOT to take in. I hope it all works out. 

[6packofun]

I think it was pretty predictable, just from the way she talks about a lot of things.  *shrug*  Don't care too much, but feel sorry for the kids having so much upheaval.

 

I also think that basically saying her divorce was to "save her soul" was a bit much. It doesn't do justice to the gravity of divorce, salvation, or souls. lol

 

Oh and Oprah. There isn't an eyeroll smiley melodramatic enough for me to use here so I'll just stop.

[wonderchica]

As far as discussing her private life, her whole brand is based on discussing her private life in excruciating detail. She'd probably be deeply disappointed if people didn't want to discuss her new relationship. I didn't know she was "a thing" until I read some articles about her on Wash Post recently.

[Lecka]

I read the details and assume that they were not able to keep it private.

 

Someone knew or enough people knew, it was going to get sold to a magazine as a scandal.

 

They have a choice between having it "revealed" as a "scandal" or putting a good face on it.

 

I don't know that, and maybe it is not the case at all.

 

But I think this happens a lot with celebrities.

 

Bc maybe someone would get paid $$$ to provide pictures of them kissing or something.

 

I think it is early too, but I don't think celebrity dating announcements are the same a school everyday people dating announcements in their intent of the seriousness of the relationship.

 

They announce for a relationship that will last 3 months and it is not a surprise when they date other people and again it is publicly announced.

 

I agree but I don't think it is the same as it would be for me, when nobody would take a picture of me at a coffee place and sell it to OK magazine.

 

But yeah I think it is early and would be concerned about the recent drug issues.

 

But would I say anything posting on a message board? No it would seem mean spirited. I would not post at all probably.

[Janie Grace]

I read the details and assume that they were not able to keep it private.

 

Someone knew or enough people knew, it was going to get sold to a magazine as a scandal.

 

They have a choice between having it "revealed" as a "scandal" or putting a good face on it.

 

I don't know that, and maybe it is not the case at all.

 

But I think this happens a lot with celebrities.

 

Bc maybe someone would get paid $$$ to provide pictures of them kissing or something.

 

I think it is early too, but I don't think celebrity dating announcements are the same a school everyday people dating announcements in their intent of the seriousness of the relationship.

 

They announce for a relationship that will last 3 months and it is not a surprise when they date other people and again it is publicly announced.

 

I agree but I don't think it is the same as it would be for me, when nobody would take a picture of me at a coffee place and sell it to OK magazine.

 

But yeah I think it is early and would be concerned about the recent drug issues.

 

But would I say anything posting on a message board? No it would seem mean spirited. I would not post at all probably.

 

That's actually a really good point. I read a bit more and there were actually fans of Abby's speculating about this back in September. So I think you're right. Better to announce on your terms than be "outed." 

[ktgrok]

But honestly, at that point, so early, with one just recently dealing with addiction, you'd think they would keep it secret from everyone, including the kids, not just the press. Two women being friends wouldn't raise suspicion, I wouldn't think. 

 

But maybe you are right. 

 

of course, there is the idea that if you are that much in the public eye, and can't keep a relationship secret, maybe don't date for a bit and give your kids some time to process everything? 

[Bluegoat]

I don't know anything about these people, and in a sense I don't care, but I think with these discussions usually the individuals are just a way of discussiong a more universal issue.

 

I think there is good reason to avoid getting into a serious relationship too soon after a divorce.  I know it can work out just fine, but OTOH often it doesn't.  And in my experience people often think they are the people who will be fine, when they really aren't.  So even for oneself I think some skepticism and care is not a bad idea. 

 

I think it's not all that different from mourning customs - there is good reason to put some things off until there has been time for all the people involved to have come to some terms. 

 

And the whole cult of self-absorption and celebrity and living in the public eye is IMO generally unhealthy.  And it leads to really bad writing and art IMO, everything some days seems like a confessional.

 

I do think that people will often accuse others of transgressing some peripherally related taboo when they feel threatened for their opinions and actions.  I am guessing sometimes it is a way of deflecting criticism or advise that is unwanted, and sometimes it seems to be because people think certain issues are related in a way that isn't really the case.  I remember a controversy a while ago about surrogacy where a public figure was accused of being homophobic by many - it just seemed obvious to many that someone who was not homophobic would also support surrogacy.  They see issues as package deals of right and wrong thinkers, rather than as separate ideas that actually have many facets.

 

 

[ktgrok]

Right. It's not that any one of these things would be concerning, but together, it seems not a great thing for the kids. Risky. Not that I care, but since her life is built on people talking about her personal life, there you go. 

 

1. Celebrity, which is a stress to relationships and children

2. Person with a history of mental health issues, who is now under new stress due to celebrity and divorce

3. Recent breakup of a long term marriage

4. discovery or acceptance of a sexuality not previously disclosed to self/others (guessing)

5. partner who also is just recently out of a marriage

6. Partner who is in the very early stages of recovery from addiction/alcoholism

7. Making your livelihood off of expertise in relationships and love, so pressure for this to work out. 

 

 

That's a LOT going on, and there are kids involved. Asking kids to deal with celebrity status, divorce, mom's admission of her attraction to women, and a new parental figure who happens to be struggling with substance abuse...all in what, 3 months time? That is a LOT to ask of those kids. A LOT. 

[MercyA]

Hey, crazy people want love too.

 

LOL.

 

I have no comment about the GDM situation, but I  :001_wub: you, Sparkly.

[Mimm]

I had never heard about her till someone posted here about her divorce. I do find this surprisingly fast and I don't think people are out of line at all in being concerned. My mother moved a new man into her house, with young children living there, before her divorce (marriage lasted over 25 years) was final. I had a problem with that. She had just met the guy a couple months before. It went from, "I'm not looking for a relationship" to "He's living with me" within a matter of weeks. When I expressed concern, she said, "I deserve to be happy" which struck me as a rather immature thing to say when someone has children they should be putting first.

 

Now... all that said, I love my step father, think he's amazing to my mom, and has been a wonderful second father to my younger siblings. It was strange and fun to see her all happy and in love with him. And yes, her happiness does mean a lot to me. In the end, it worked out. So, even while being concerned, I can hope for the best for any two people in this situation. I think sometimes people who liked being married can find themselves rushing into a new relationship when the old one ends simply because, even though the marriage went bad, overall they would rather not be single.

[TABmom]

The divorce is recent, but they were separated for a long time.

[TABmom]

Also, when I read the announcement I thought "well that explains a lot." I have read her second book and in it she describes previous sexual relationships. She talked about pretending she wasn't in her body and was instead watching it happen to someone else. And not just one relationship. They got married because she was pregnant and they wanted to "do the right thing". I remember being really surprised by how she described her encounters/relationships with men- even her ex.

[Mimm]

Also, when I read the announcement I thought "well that explains a lot." I have read her second book and in it she describes previous sexual relationships. She talked about pretending she wasn't in her body and was instead watching it happen to someone else. And not just one relationship. They got married because she was pregnant and they wanted to "do the right thing". I remember being really surprised by how she described her encounters/relationships with men- even her ex.

 

Goodness, this woman isn't very private is she?

[SamanthaCarter]

I never read any of her books, but I did follow her blog and FB for a while a few years ago. Can't say I'm really surprised. 

Edited November 16, 2016 by SamanthaCarter

[umsami]

I know of her, but it took awhile.

 

I am concerned about the sobriety issues and the recentness of the divorce on the kids.

 

Have a friend whose husband married a woman two weeks after their divorce was final and moved her in.  He had given no hints whatsoever that this was in play, and had 50/50 custody.  Kids found out basically that Mommy and Daddy were divorcing and got stuck with new stepmom in less than a month.  The Dad did a lot of PDA with new wife which he never did with my friend which also was rather weird for the kids.

 

I hope it works out, but yet, there are a lot of red flags.

 

Elizabeth Gilbert ("Eat, Love, Pray") also suddenly announced she was in love with her friend (female) who also I want to say is fighting cancer.

 

Being gay or bisexual is a lot more accepted now than it was even 10 years ago.  I know people talk a lot about men who repressed their homosexuality or bisexuality because it wasn't socially acceptable to be either.  It's only natural that women have done that too. 

 

Would like to think that these things will be a thing of the past, because I cannot imagine the pain/betrayal felt by the spouse when they discover their partner has always been attracted to the opposite sex.  Hopefully people can just be authentically themselves now.

Edited November 17, 2016 by umsami

[marbel]

<snip>

 

Would like to think that these things will be a thing of the past, because I cannot imagine the pain/betrayal felt by the spouse when they discover their partner has always been attracted to the opposite sex.  Hopefully people can just be authentically themselves now.

 

I think I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but I honestly don't understand this.  Staying single has always been an option for people.  I can't imagine marrying someone under those circumstances.   I  know that as a heterosexual woman this is easy for me to say. But, I was single from age 24 to age 39 (after a brief early marriage and before subsequent remarriage).   It wasn't the worst thing ever (and I had no way of knowing if I'd ever meet anyone to marry till my husband came along when I was 37).

 

I'm not being snarky so I'd appreciate responses (if there are any) in kind.  I truly don't get it.   I would understand if a person had not realized their true sexuality till after they were married though I do grieve for the broken families.  I do not know how common that is.  Most of the time I read/hear/am told that people know when they are quite young, well before marriage age.

[Janie Grace]

I think I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but I honestly don't understand this.  Staying single has always been an option for people.  I can't imagine marrying someone under those circumstances.   I  know that as a heterosexual woman this is easy for me to say. But, I was single from age 24 to age 39 (after a brief early marriage and before subsequent remarriage).   It wasn't the worst thing ever (and I had no way of knowing if I'd ever meet anyone to marry till my husband came along when I was 37).

 

I'm not being snarky so I'd appreciate responses (if there are any) in kind.  I truly don't get it.   I would understand if a person had not realized their true sexuality till after they were married though I do grieve for the broken families.  I do not know how common that is.  Most of the time I read/hear/am told that people know when they are quite young, well before marriage age.

 

I have no idea what GDM's story is but I have heard that for some people, attraction is not binary (gay vs. straight) but is on a continuum and can shift throughout life -- that perhaps they are more attracted to the opposite sex early on but later (perhaps when they allow themselves to be open to the idea) they realize they are also (or even more) attracted to the same sex. So I don't think it's always deception. 

 

I do think that for some people, the expectation to get and stay married to someone of the opposite sex is so strong that they don't really consider singleness as an option. 

[JustEm]

I think I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but I honestly don't understand this. Staying single has always been an option for people. I can't imagine marrying someone under those circumstances. I know that as a heterosexual woman this is easy for me to say. But, I was single from age 24 to age 39 (after a brief early marriage and before subsequent remarriage). It wasn't the worst thing ever (and I had no way of knowing if I'd ever meet anyone to marry till my husband came along when I was 37).

 

I'm not being snarky so I'd appreciate responses (if there are any) in kind. I truly don't get it. I would understand if a person had not realized their true sexuality till after they were married though I do grieve for the broken families. I do not know how common that is. Most of the time I read/hear/am told that people know when they are quite young, well before marriage age.

My fil is gay. He married my mil because it was just the thing you did. Him remaining single and not dating at all would have been odd for his family's culture and he was scared to come out. so he married mil, had 3 children, and stayed together for 25 years. He left when his youngest was in college because he finally felt he could move on from the lie and at least remain single without question. It took him a few more years to come out. He was so scared to come out to his family that he sent letters coming out to everyone(his children, siblings, nieces, nephews, and his mother) when he was out of town. Everyone was positive and supportive but his fear of rejection was very real and understandable.

 

Him being gay his whole life doesn't mean he didn't love my mil because he did. But the type of love was always a different kind for him.

[TammyinTN]

I've recently read her book because I was following Jen Hatmaker and she promoted her book....I feel recently they are both frauds and have since tossed everything I had purchased to read or have read by them.

[marbel]

Thank you both for your nice responses.  :-)  They make sense, sort of.  But..

 

I have no idea what GDM's story is but I have heard that for some people, attraction is not binary (gay vs. straight) but is on a continuum and can shift throughout life -- that perhaps they are more attracted to the opposite sex early on but later (perhaps when they allow themselves to be open to the idea) they realize they are also (or even more) attracted to the same sex. So I don't think it's always deception. 

 

I do think that for some people, the expectation to get and stay married to someone of the opposite sex is so strong that they don't really consider singleness as an option. 

 

Yes, I guess I have heard that as well.  But I was responding to this:

 

 

 

I cannot imagine the pain/betrayal felt by the spouse when they discover their partner has always been attracted to the opposite sex.

 

Emphasis mine.  Now, it may be that the poster didn't mean to be specific about "always" though I am sure that does happen - it must, if some percentage of people know they are gay/lesbian as young people.   That seems like deception.   On the other hand:

 

My fil is gay. He married my mil because it was just the thing you did. Him remaining single and not dating at all would have been odd for his family's culture and he was scared to come out. so he married mil, had 3 children, and stayed together for 25 years. He left when his youngest was in college because he finally felt he could move on from the lie and at least remain single without question. It took him a few more years to come out. He was so scared to come out to his family that he sent letters coming out to everyone(his children, siblings, nieces, nephews, and his mother) when he was out of town. Everyone was positive and supportive but his fear of rejection was very real and understandable.

Him being gay his whole life doesn't mean he didn't love my mil because he did. But the type of love was always a different kind for him.

 

That is a sad story, for everyone.   I don't know how old your FIL is, but I think (or maybe just hope?) our culture is such today that people don't feel such pressure to marry.  I know loads of single people who are either in  no hurry to marry, or don't plan to at all.  (I also know single people who want desperately to marry.)  Many women who don't date, for whatever reason.   So maybe things are changing that the pressure to marry is lessening (in general; I'm sure in some family cultures there will always be pressure).  

 

Again, thanks fro the  nice responses.  It's helpful.  I'm thinking about it all.

Edited November 17, 2016 by marbel

[Lady Florida.]

I looked her up and still don't really know who she is. She seems happy though.

[Charlie]

Emphasis mine.  Now, it may be that the poster didn't mean to be specific about "always" though I am sure that does happen - it must, if some percentage of people know they are gay/lesbian as young people.   That seems like deception.  

 

 

People interpret and respond to pressure in different ways. Keep in mind, there are still services that exist to try and convince a person that their homosexual attraction is all in their head, or a result of trauma or sin. Parents can and do send their teens to such "therapy," even against the teen's will. "Pray away the gay" is an example of the lengths to which some people will go to deny the legitimacy of homosexual attraction. Others simply recognize the cues in society and conclude the "safest" thing would be to deny their sexuality, sometimes even to themselves, especially if there is an element of disgust, which is certainly pervasive enough in culture to pick up on. Denial is a common way the mind tries to avoid extreme mental stress.

 

That is a sad story, for everyone.   I don't know how old your FIL is, but I think (or maybe just hope?) our culture is such today that people don't feel such pressure to marry.  I know loads of single people who are either in  no hurry to marry, or don't plan to at all.  (I also know single people who want desperately to marry.)  Many women who don't date, for whatever reason.   So maybe things are changing that the pressure to marry is lessening (in general; I'm sure in some family cultures there will always be pressure). 

 

I'm happy you're thinking about it, but consider the idea that many (most?) people want to live in a committed relationship and share their lives with someone they love. It's human nature. We're social creatures, although obviously to different degrees. The pressure to get married to a person you could only find marginally attracted to must be terrible. The alternative shouldn't be to encourage people to remain single; it should be freedom to share your life with the person who you love, regardless of their gender.

 

It's stories like this that help people first be aware of a problem they never knew existed, then how to support their loved ones, and finally, how to support members in their community, even if they don't know them personally. I have a friend who thinks references to homosexual attractions is a kind of "in your face" response to people to don't support equal marriage. Their philosophy is they don't care what anyone does in the bedroom, they just don't want to see it themselves, homo- or hetero. The problem is they don't see just how many references they are exposed to on a daily basis that normalizes heterosexuality and makes homosexuality almost invisible, references they simply grew up with thinking are "normal" and symbolize the "normal family." Coming out stories are helpful to encourage people to accept "normal" as including non-traditional relationships.

 

In reply to the OP, I don't know who this person is either, but I gather they are Christian from your surprise there's no more commentary about the LGBTQ aspect. I agree with the poster upthread that said these kinds of conversations are often about bigger issues, and I think homosexuality is becoming less of an issue, even in Christian circles. It's decreasingly understood as a moral variable in and of itself. This is a good thing for many reasons readily observable. Having said that, the first thing I thought of when reading the link to the facebook post (I couldn't finish it, oy) was that this reminded me of Tom Cruise's couch jumping declaration of love for Katey Holmes. People who get SUPEREXCITEDABOUTTHEBESTTHINGEVER seems kind of manic to me. So that was my impression.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying. GMD separated 3 months ago, Abby separated 2 months ago, and now they are together and serious enough to announce to the world that they are in love, but they only *met* in the past 6 weeks? I'm dubious, and I don't think it's a good foundation. Plus coming out with such a detailed, passionate explanation of a brand-new relationship just seems either inauthentic (it's not brand-new) or seriously unwise (because how deeply sure can you be after 6 weeks?).

 

But yeah, sharing these thoughts I KNOW would get me pegged a hater within her fandom.

 

I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing here. That's one of the things I like about the WTM community. We are all so different in some ways but accepting of those differences. Meaning, it's okay to have a different opinion and state it, not fearing backlash from those whose opinion differs from yours.

[marbel]

Thanks for your response. 

 

<snip>

 

I'm happy you're thinking about it, but consider the idea that many (most?) people want to live in a committed relationship and share their lives with someone they love. It's human nature. We're social creatures, although obviously to different degrees. The pressure to get married to a person you could only find marginally attracted to must be terrible. The alternative shouldn't be to encourage people to remain single; it should be freedom to share your life with the person who you love, regardless of their gender.

 

<snip>

 

Yes, I do get that.  But my point was no one should feel pressured to marry if they don't find the person they want to share their life with, or marry within a certain time frame if it takes longer than, say, family expectations allow.  I'm "objecting" (not really but can't think of another word) to the notion that a person should marry *someone* (even if that person is not the one, or the "type" they want/need) for the sake of cultural/family expectations.  

 

During all the years I was single, I wanted someone, sure.  But I couldn't find anyone for a long time.  I was resigned that I might never find anyone.  It wouldn't have been my choice, but if I'd end up living my life as a single person, it would still have been better than living with the wrong person.  I learned that from my brief first marriage.  It's a little difficult for me to understand someone marrying *for the sake of getting married*, building a life and a family, and then finally leaving when it seems... I don't know what it seems... wrong, uncomfortable, I don't know - to them after all that time.   And you know, I think more than one coworker during that time thought I might be lesbian, because I didn't date.  But, there was no one to date, let alone marry!  

 

I don't mean to be dismissive or insensitive. I know at least one poster here described this situation in her own extended family and I appreciate the candidness.  I guess what I'd really like is for everyone to have the freedom and the patience to wait for the right person.  I wish I had done that and skipped the first marriage (which, btw, didn't produce any children).  

 

And, as I said, I know quite a few single people, some of whom would love to be married, but are not willing to settle for the wrong person.  This doesn't just apply to gay/lesbian people either, but anyone.  There are worse things than being alone. 

Edited November 17, 2016 by marbel

[ktgrok]

 first thing I thought of when reading the link to the facebook post (I couldn't finish it, oy) was that this reminded me of Tom Cruise's couch jumping declaration of love for Katey Holmes. People who get SUPEREXCITEDABOUTTHEBESTTHINGEVER seems kind of manic to me. So that was my impression.

 

I had the very same thought. Reminded me of him too. And she is VERY like that. Her whole blog/life/etc are VERY "Omg, guys, this very big thing is happening in my life and you should have very big things and lets do all the very big things!!!!!"

 

Exhausts me just reading about that level of enthusiasm, lol. 

 

But, that sells books. 

[Charlie]

Thanks for your response. 

 

 

Yes, I do get that.  But my point was no one should feel pressured to marry if they don't find the person they want to share their life with, or marry within a certain time frame if it takes longer than, say, family expectations allow.  I'm "objecting" (not really but can't think of another word) to the notion that a person should marry *someone* (even if that person is not the one, or the "type" they want/need) for the sake of cultural/family expectations.  

 

During all the years I was single, I wanted someone, sure.  But I couldn't find anyone for a long time.  I was resigned that I might never find anyone.  It wouldn't have been my choice, but if I'd end up living my life as a single person, it would still have been better than living with the wrong person.  I learned that from my brief first marriage.  It's a little difficult for me to understand someone marrying *for the sake of getting married*, building a life and a family, and then finally leaving when it seems... I don't know what it seems... wrong, uncomfortable, I don't know - to them after all that time.   And you know, I think more than one coworker during that time thought I might be lesbian, because I didn't date.  But, there was no one to date, let alone marry!  

 

I don't mean to be dismissive or insensitive. I know at least one poster here described this situation in her own extended family and I appreciate the candidness.  I guess what I'd really like is for everyone to have the freedom and the patience to wait for the right person.  I wish I had done that and skipped the first marriage (which, btw, didn't produce any children).  

 

And, as I said, I know quite a few single people, some of whom would love to be married, but are not willing to settle for the wrong person.  This doesn't just apply to gay/lesbian people either, but anyone.  

 

I agree with you with one exception, but this exception is based on an assumption, so forgive me if I misunderstand. I don't think it is necessarily easy to simply come to terms with the fact one might be LGBT. In the case of hjffkj's fil, growing up in a culture that identifies homosexuality as a sickness, product of trauma, or immoral doesn't foster the kind of thought processes that allows one to embrace non-conforming sexual behavior as a neutral alternative. So why wait for the right person, when the right person couldn't possibly be the right person, right?  ;-)

 

Even today there is for many people growing up in certain cultures an identity of LGBT as "wrong," and "dangerous" in some way. This pressure of convincing yourself you can't be gay (because you're a good person, a moral person, etc) is something you and I grew up blissfully ignorant of, and it's stories like these that open our eyes, and our heart, to the pain others experience. Thankfully, the tide is turning and fewer people suggest being LGBT is somehow wrong, which means fewer people are pressured like hjffkj's fil to conform to expectations, even if just in their own heads.

[marbel]

I agree with you with one exception, but this exception is based on an assumption, so forgive me if I misunderstand. I don't think it is necessarily easy to simply come to terms with the fact one might be LGBT. In the case of hjffkj's fil, growing up in a culture that

doesn't foster the kind of thought processes that allows one to embrace non-conforming sexual behavior as a neutral alternative. So why wait for the right person, when the right person couldn't possibly be the right person, right?  ;-)

 

Even today there is for many people growing up in certain cultures an identity of LGBT as "wrong," and "dangerous" in some way. This pressure of convincing yourself you can't be gay (because you're a good person, a moral person, etc) is something you and I grew up blissfully ignorant of, and it's stories like these that open our eyes, and our heart, to the pain others experience. Thankfully, the tide is turning and fewer people suggest being LGBT is somehow wrong, which means fewer people are pressured like hjffkj's fil to conform to expectations, even if just in their own heads.

 

Yes, and that is why I said

 

 

 

 I guess what I'd really like is for everyone to have the freedom and the patience to wait for the right person.  

 

Freedom to choose the right person, patience to wait for the right person.   (I got married at 22 because it was time to get married.  What a stupid reason.)  

 

I am not talking about LGBT people exclusively.  I'm talking about the sad state of affairs when *anyone* feels pressure to marry and they marry the wrong person, sometimes even knowingly.  

Edited November 17, 2016 by marbel

[Charlie]

I had the very same thought. Reminded me of him too. And she is VERY like that. Her whole blog/life/etc are VERY "Omg, guys, this very big thing is happening in my life and you should have very big things and lets do all the very big things!!!!!"

 

Exhausts me just reading about that level of enthusiasm, lol.

 

Lol! There's not enough coffee in this city for me to keep up with that stuff!

 

There may be enough whiskey, however. But the next day I would pay, and I don't like to be in debt to my liver. Or brain.

[Bluegoat]

I think I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but I honestly don't understand this.  Staying single has always been an option for people.  I can't imagine marrying someone under those circumstances.   I  know that as a heterosexual woman this is easy for me to say. But, I was single from age 24 to age 39 (after a brief early marriage and before subsequent remarriage).   It wasn't the worst thing ever (and I had no way of knowing if I'd ever meet anyone to marry till my husband came along when I was 37).

 

I'm not being snarky so I'd appreciate responses (if there are any) in kind.  I truly don't get it.   I would understand if a person had not realized their true sexuality till after they were married though I do grieve for the broken families.  I do not know how common that is.  Most of the time I read/hear/am told that people know when they are quite young, well before marriage age.

 

I don't think sexuality is as clear as people like to think, in a lot of cases.  Even apart from the "continuum" idea which I agree with as far as it goes, I think culture and experience influence how we perceive our sexual attraction and that can change over time.  That hasn't been the mainstream explanation over the past number of years, but it's my observation and experience.

 

And some people never really get into sex to the same extent as others.  They might fall in love, enjoy being married, and so on, but be a little ambivalent about sex.  So - maybe some people see that as what is going on, rather than a clear preference for people of the same sex.