Parenting JAWM

[SquirrellyMama]

I thought my girls would be the hardest to parent as teens, but am finding that my ds is a lot harder than my oldest. Oh, the drama and tears! We put him in PS this year, and have been having some issues with him doing his homework. He scored high on assessment tests, so we and his teachers know he is capable. His first test scores in Algebra were an A-, then a C, then an F. He wasn't doing his work. I've made sure he gets his homework (not graded) done so he understands the material. He's gotten A's on the last two tests. He told us at conferences the other night that I was the cause of all stress. 

 

So, my husband is trying to deal with the homework situation. But I'm having a hard time giving up that control. Partly because he was homeschooled until 8th grade, and because I'm the person that gets the calls from the math teacher when he isn't doing his work. 

 

I'm trying. I really am. 

 

I do have him seeing a counselor due to some early anger issues this school year. He told her I was the cause of all stress also. I wasn't the cause of all stress until this year when I had to sit down with him to make him do his math homework so he doesn't fail. Or, ask him if I can proofread his English papers so they aren't formatted with random returns in the middle of sentences. He just doesn't care if he makes mistakes. Or doesn't notice them. I don't know. 

 

Oh well, I'll back off. My dh really didn't help with any schooling while we homeschooled. He never needed homework help as a kid, and usually ends up yelling. I don't. I feel like part of this is because my ds always thought I was an idiot when it came to math, and he is now figuring out that I'm not. Why a 13 year old kid can't handle his mom being able to understand math is beyond me. Other than the fact that he wants to be smarter than all women. I don't know where that attitude comes from!   

 

Like I said, I do have him seeing a counselor. Hoping that will help. She is a woman though, maybe I should switch him to a guy. Not because a woman is inferior, but maybe he'll listen to a man right now.

 

Sorry for the rambling :)  Just frustrated, and typing it out helps.

 

Kelly

[Tap]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[TechWife]

:grouphug:

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm just going to say this here, because my dh told me to lay off again. My ds has two tests tomorrow in Math and Civics. I know there are a couple of concepts he isn't understanding in Algebra, and I tried to study Civics with him yesterday. I got a lot of "he hasn't taught us that yet", and "my answer is close enough". Ok, you have a test in two days, I'm thinking you've been taught these concepts. My dh told him to ask his teacher about a problem to make sure they were doing it correctly. He won't do it. I almost emailed the teacher to let her know he was supposed to ask, but I didn't. I'm trying to be good. 

 

I really want him to do well in school so he isn't living my basement when he's 30. And he can do well, he's a smart kid! He just needs to do his work! 

 

Sorry, rambling again. I think I've had too much caffeine this morning.

 

Kelly  :crying:

[SparklyUnicorn]

That's challenging.  They can give us a dang hard time can't they.  Sounds like he is very smart, but like you said, just doesn't always do the work.

 

:grouphug:

[YaelAldrich]

Kelly, how does my son have time to live in your house and mine at the same time?

[goldberry]

Sorry...   :grouphug:

 

I am also the source of all DD's stress.  Because I remind her that we have college app stuff to do that needs to be done.    And because I ask her to clean the catbox (which is part of her agreed chores). 

[SquirrellyMama]

On a funny note, I'm very tempted to call my older brother who was very much like this as a kid. I wonder if he had any advice for me :) I'm not sure how to word it so it doesn't sound offensive. We don't have the closest relationship, we are so opposite.

 

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

Sorry...   :grouphug:

 

I am also the source of all DD's stress.  Because I remind her that we have college app stuff to do that needs to be done.    And because I ask her to clean the catbox (which is part of her agreed chores). 

 

Ah, yes, the cat box. That is also part of the crushing stress I place upon him. 

 

Kelly

[Upward Journey]

I, too, thought teen boys were harder than girls, but my 17yo dd is currently putting that theory to a test ;)

 

Gently, I think you need to back off, let him fail, and own his own mistakes.  He's old enough to come to you for help when/if he needs it. I would only make sure that he's getting his homework done and remind him to study. Do keep track of when his tests are and the grades he receives, so that your study reminders are pertinent. Be available when he wants you as a study buddy. Does he have a sibling that will do flash cards etc. with him? Sometimes that works better than Mom or Dad.

 

Signed,

 

The mom of 2 adults and 3 teens.

[Jaybee]

Many times, when young men hit around 12-13, they resist leadership/guidance from their moms, and they do it strongly. It hurts, especially if you had a pretty close relationship when they were small. It also hurts when, in their striving for independence and the desire to always be right (and they know they are!! <_< ), to watch them fail and not reach toward their potential. For me, it also raises anxiety as I see the scholarships I thought possible sifting right through our hands. I know he is as smart as his sisters, but his motivation and attention to detail are just not that important to him, and he is resistant to correction. I have to back off, let his dad do most of the interacting, and rethink my expectations. It is hard. (I am not specifically referring to just one son, but a combo of situations I have experienced along these lines.)

[SquirrellyMama]

I, too, thought teen boys were harder than girls, but my 17yo dd is currently putting that theory to a test ;)

 

Gently, I think you need to back off, let him fail, and own his own mistakes.  He's old enough to come to you for help when/if he needs it. I would only make sure that he's getting his homework done and remind him to study. Do keep track of when his tests are and the grades he receives, so that your study reminders are pertinent. Be available when he wants you as a study buddy. Does he have a sibling that will do flash cards etc. with him? Sometimes that works better than Mom or Dad.

 

Signed,

 

The mom of 2 adults and 3 teens.

 

I get it, I really do. We've let them fail, but this one just seems so damaging. It could affect so much later on if he falls behind in school. I think it is damaging to my pride also. Not so much that I think I was an exceptional hs mom, but that people will think I'm a bad mom. I need a thicker skin.

 

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

Many times, when young men hit around 12-13, they resist leadership/guidance from their moms, and they do it strongly. It hurts, especially if you had a pretty close relationship when they were small. It also hurts when, in their striving for independence and the desire to always be right (and they know they are!! <_< ), to watch them fail and not reach toward their potential. For me, it also raises anxiety as I see the scholarships I thought possible sifting right through our hands. I know he is as smart as his sisters, but his motivation and attention to detail are just not that important to him, and he is resistant to correction. I have to back off, let his dad do most of the interacting, and rethink my expectations. It is hard. (I am not specifically referring to just one son, but a combo of situations I have experienced along these lines.)

 

This part has been hard. I've been doing most of the interacting since he was born. My dh isn't a little kid person, so didn't interact as much. It does hurt to be thrown off after 13 years. Hopefully, if I lay off our relationship will be better.

 

Kelly

[theelfqueen]

My 15 year old used to explain to people (DH, oldest DS, etc ...) basically how I was horrible. I was at fault for everything that went wrong in his life, etc... Because I am the source of all stress, too. This was before the circumstances arose that led to us homeschooling. I think we've repaired our relationship and he's matured somewhat but the literal 'it's all your fault' ... that SUCKS.

 

Parenting teens is EXHAUSTING.

 

(I also had a literal moment when we started homeschooling when I was explaining some math to this child, and he stared at me accusingly and said "are you GOOD at MATH???" as though this was a major and shocking revelation that I had been willfully hiding from him.)

 

[heartlikealion]

:grouphug:

 

We put ds in private school this year. We were butting heads and I was overwhelmed. But now homework is a big strain on us all. Dh wants us to just set a time for all homework to be completed by and anything not done by X time oh well. Not our problem. Sounds great in theory, but I think grades might drop. We'll see.

 

I have to micromanage everything. Ds isn't responsible, loses his school books, etc. Dh thinks that next year I can plop ds down at the ktichen table and assign him work while I watch the toddler. Ha. Ha. Ha. He has no idea how much I have to look over ds' shoulder to get anything done. And done correctly. I did pretty much all the homeschooling (dh's idea of homeschooling was usually like, "oh we watched something on Netflix about dinosaurs" when I had curricula I wanted them to do).

[Anne in CA]

On a funny note, I'm very tempted to call my older brother who was very much like this as a kid. I wonder if he had any advice for me :) I'm not sure how to word it so it doesn't sound offensive. We don't have the closest relationship, we are so opposite.

 

Kelly

Does your brother live in your mom's basement? LOL. Hope not. However, if your brother does feel superior to women he probably won't help you. Did you attend any home school groups that may have inadvertently fed this attitude? I'm partly curious because we attended one for three years before I simply gave up. There was something weird about the group I couldn't put my finger on... Later I realized that the leaders were into patriarchy, but wouldn't come right out and say it. BTW, just like the Duggars, things came to roost from those families. Their lifestyle did not lead to holiness, all the leader's families turned out to have struggles in yucky areas. None of those families raised the perfect young people they were planning on. 

[GThomas]

(I also had a literal moment when we started homeschooling when I was explaining some math to this child, and he stared at me accusingly and said "are you GOOD at MATH???" as though this was a major and shocking revelation that I had been willfully hiding from him.)

I almost spat coffee all over my keyboard reading that! 

 

I was telling my ds11 about the birds and bees and the looked at me in complete shock and said, "How do you know all this stuff about boys?!"

 

He has also requested that I no longer teach him math because I just confuse him. So he's now doing TeachingTextbooks and it's working much better for us (so far).  

[Amy in NH]

This is what I would do:

 

Give Dh's contact information to the math teacher and tell her you are no longer the one to contact if there are problems.

 

Tell DH and son in no uncertain terms that you are willing and available to provide help as requested, but otherwise you will let ds sink or swim on his own merit. If that means he fails then so be it. He can repeat a grade if necessary.

 

In this way you can stop being the scapegoat.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Amy in NH

[SquirrellyMama]

Does your brother live in your mom's basement? LOL. Hope not. However, if your brother does feel superior to women he probably won't help you. Did you attend any home school groups that may have inadvertently fed this attitude? I'm partly curious because we attended one for three years before I simply gave up. There was something weird about the group I couldn't put my finger on... Later I realized that the leaders were into patriarchy, but wouldn't come right out and say it. BTW, just like the Duggars, things came to roost from those families. Their lifestyle did not lead to holiness, all the leader's families turned out to have struggles in yucky areas. None of those families raised the perfect young people they were planning on. 

 

No, he isn't living in their basement. He was the argumentative, wouldn't do his work, failed his first year of college kid. What I want to know is if there was anything they could have done to have gotten through to him earlier, or if his road was the road he needed to travel. I know my parents backed off some, and it was awful. The first semester of college my dad didn't back off, and was obnoxious. He called my brother everyday at 8am to make sure he was going to class. Once my ds is in college he's on his own, so I want to teach him these skills now.

 

ETA: Homeschool group. When we first started in the group it was very partriarchal. My ds was young (probably 3) at that time. It evolved over the years. Are there still patriarchal families, yes, but the main goal of the group is not. We get together for playdates, crafts, field trips, and some co-op classes. 

 

I think he did get some of this from church, although I feel like our church is evolving some with the younger families coming into leadership. 

 

He will also twist words to fit what he thinks they mean. When we tell him he can do better if he does his work he claims we want perfection out of him.  We've explained that we will accept a C- if that is the best he can do. I get it. Geomotry was my C- is my best class. It happens. 

 

I feel like we are in a competition right now. He has to be taller than me, smarter than me, faster than me, etc... 

 

Kelly

Edited November 3, 2016 by SquirrellyMama

[SparklyUnicorn]

Ah, yes, the cat box. That is also part of the crushing stress I place upon him. 

 

Kelly

 

:lol:

 

FWIW, sounds like my 14 year old.

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

In this way you can stop being the scapegoat.

 

Amen to that.  I mean good grief, sue Mom for caring and paying attention.

[hornblower]

I think you're in the uncomfortable position of feeling responsible but having no authority. The idea that 'mom is causing the stress' is pretty harsh imo & I'm not sure it's valid based on what you've said. 



I do agree that you & your dh need to be on the same page about what the purpose of the school is & what your role is. For some parents, school includes lots of supervising and hand holding about assignments & specific consequences for missed grades. For other families, once school is in the picture, the parents fade away & just check in at report card time.  I don't think either one is more right - they're just right for some families. But you guys need to decide this. 

& if you're willing to let him be in the school's hands and be hands off, then that might mean he will get bad grades.

 

If you guys actually decide that you're not ok with that, then it's ok to intervene & prevent it. But again, I think the conflict here is you're trying to control an outcome without having given yourself enough authority for the process. If you want it, own it. 


Hang in there! ( & actually ,maybe consider seeing a counsellor yourself. It's always good to talk things out with a good impartial person) 
 

[whitestavern]

OMG, this is my 14 year old ds! He was also put in a brick & mortar school in 8th, though he did very well there. First year of high school now and he's doing poorly. He doesn't seem to care, though I think he really does. He's got an all honors schedule and I think the work is just hard for him. It's doable, but it takes effort that he's not really willing to put in. I'm at a loss. I don't want to be that over the shoulder mom, but it's SOOO hard to see him not doing well! Plus, it's parochial so I'm spending a lot of money. It's not like I can just let him fail and repeat next year. The school has mandatory iPads, which is part of the problem. It is a huge distraction for him. I know he plays a lot when he says he's doing homework. But honestly, how is one supposed to monitor that?

 

Sorry I have no advice, but you're not alone :(

 

[Anne in CA]

Glad to know your brother isn't in your parent's basement, lol. The group I attended did not ever preach patriarchy, but it crept into things and I think it did negatively affect my ds about the time he was 13/ 14.  I didn't figure out that patriarchy was the trouble with the group until after we'd left. A lot of this stuff is very sneaky. 

 

No mother wants to lose her son, even temporarily. But I'm guessing this IS temporary. Hugs, mamma.

[73349]

Blaming you and yet refusing to take advice from you is really annoying behavior! But not wholly unexpected.... Can you get a high school boy in as a tutor/homework supervisor so that you're out of this? And ITA that dad needs to be the one getting phone calls, not you.

 

[SquirrellyMama]

OMG, this is my 14 year old ds! He was also put in a brick & mortar school in 8th, though he did very well there. First year of high school now and he's doing poorly. He doesn't seem to care, though I think he really does. He's got an all honors schedule and I think the work is just hard for him. It's doable, but it takes effort that he's not really willing to put in. I'm at a loss. I don't want to be that over the shoulder mom, but it's SOOO hard to see him not doing well! Plus, it's parochial so I'm spending a lot of money. It's not like I can just let him fail and repeat next year. The school has mandatory iPads, which is part of the problem. It is a huge distraction for him. I know he plays a lot when he says he's doing homework. But honestly, how is one supposed to monitor that?

 

Sorry I have no advice, but you're not alone :(

Yes! This is so my ds.

 

Kelly

[SquirrellyMama]

Blaming you and yet refusing to take advice from you is really annoying behavior! But not wholly unexpected.... Can you get a high school boy in as a tutor/homework supervisor so that you're out of this? And ITA that dad needs to be the one getting phone calls, not you.

 

I've thought about this. I almost called a kid we know that would probably do well in this position. I might give it a try.

 

Kelly

[GThomas]

I thought my girls would be the hardest to parent as teens, but am finding that my ds is a lot harder than my oldest. Oh, the drama and tears! We put him in PS this year, and have been having some issues with him doing his homework. He scored high on assessment tests, so we and his teachers know he is capable. His first test scores in Algebra were an A-, then a C, then an F. He wasn't doing his work. I've made sure he gets his homework (not graded) done so he understands the material. He's gotten A's on the last two tests. He told us at conferences the other night that I was the cause of all stress. 

 

My dd15 has gone back to public school after 4 years of enjoyable, successful homeschooling. She has immediately disengaged from me when it comes to school. She doesn't tell me anything about what she's learning, won't let me review her homework, etc. Midterms are coming up and I keep asking her about what classes will have midterms, should we work to put together some flashcards, set up some study groups, etc. Nope, nope, nope. She says none of her classes will have midterms (I can tell by the way she's saying it that she has not asked and has no idea). She says this while her nose is buried in Instagram. I keep telling her that successful students have involved parents and that my assistance doesn't stop once she stops homeschooling. I'm here to be her helper; how can I help? She wants nothing to do with it. 

 

Compounding this is the influence from public school peers -- a new attitude that the least amount of effort put in to get good grades is the new cool. Sooooo frustrating for me! I worked so hard to instill a belief of lifelong learning, learning is fun and important and whoosh! it's gone in one fell adolescent swoop. 

 

As I type this I am beginning to think of a new approach. She's older, we're in a new situation, the old ways no longer work. I'm starting to wonder if putting up a chart or diagram of what her goals are, with milestones of how to get there (her 4 year plan of classes, GPA required for her college of choice, SAT scores for her college of choice, extra curricular activities, etc, would be useful. Then I'd have clearly communicated what is needed to reach her goals (without the confusing back and forth conversation with an oppositional teen) and it's something she can refer to and maybe we check in on a quarterly basis. Maybe putting in blanks where she can put in actual grades and experiences so she can compare if she's on track. And if things don't go as planned, we can readjust the plan accordingly. (Everyone is rolling their eyes now at how type A I am and feeling sorry for my dd!) And then maybe, just maybe, I can feel like I've done what I could and slowly start to hand over the reigns. I'm told these are the years to start to let go.. (quietly freaking out).

 

I don't know. Have you had a talk with him to ask him how specifically you are causing stress for him? What actions would he prefer from you? And you ask him what he wants to achieve. And then tell him how you stress because you care about him so much and you want to help him achieve that and it's hard for you to sit by and not help when you see things going astray. And talk about things you can both do so you don't stress him out but you also feel like he still cares about his education. Something along those lines so he feels he has some say and control and you are being respectful to him. 

 

In regards to boys vs girls...my ds11 is way more dramatic than my dd and this conversation has me thinking about our future with him... (throws up hands in the air and says wheeeeee!) 

[Arcadia]

What I want to know is if there was anything they could have done to have gotten through to him earlier, or if his road was the road he needed to travel.

...

I feel like we are in a competition right now. He has to be taller than me, smarter than me, faster than me, etc...

My cousins who went down that road are very successful at their careers probably because they can laugh at failures and bounce back from setbacks. My family is filled with eccentric/quirky people though who are lots happier in business even as auditors than they were in academics of any sort. I don't think anything could have helped my cousins other than grade skipping.

 

He may just be forging his own identity though since this is his first year at school. He is using you as yardstick because that is what he is used to. My oldest is trying to win me at math and science because my hubby has forgotten most of his high school/college stuff. I don't mind if my kid wins me :)

 

My DS11 (turning 12) does better with male teachers most of the time but sometimes you get a female teacher that is a better fit personality wise. So whether a male or female counselor would be better is not clear cut.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Arcadia

[JumpyTheFrog]

When I was growing up I noticed that 8-9th grade was when many boys who were formerly good students went off the rails. They became slackers and got into drugs. Some of them appeared to be back on track with grades again by about 11th grade. Others were stuck in the druggie/skater lifestyle.

 

I've seen many people on this forum recommend hard physical labor and/or jobs for boys in the 13-15 age range for similar attitude problems, especially relating to their mothers. Make sure he gets enough sleep (it might be more than he thinks he needs), lots of protein, and good hard exercise. If he wants to compete with you, maybe you could train for a 5k together or get into bodyweight exercise routines.

[mom2samlibby]

Just a thought here, but could he have an un-diagnosed learning disability?  One in 5 children have dyslexia and a lot of these children/teens have anxiety and anger issues because of their struggles. 

 

http://dyslexiahelp.umich.edu/parents/living-with-dyslexia/home/social-emotional-challenges/what-does-dyslexic-person-feel

 

 

Edited November 3, 2016 by mom2samlibby