Need more support/help from husband. Asking too much?

[bfw0729]

I am struggling a bit with regards to having a "helping hand" in homeschooling. I am homeschooling three elementary school-aged children and have a 1 and 3 year old in the mix. The demands feel high and I am struggling with help. My husband fully supports homeschooling and loves it, but doesn't feel I need any help with the kids. I do all the homeschooling stuff, which I expected. I love teaching the children, working on projects, and doing all things related to homeschooling. My problem is sometimes I need a little bit of relief. I think I have high expectations. I think I need to just deal with these feelings. I just feel that if my husband is available to help, I would love for him to take the 1 and 3 year old and help (i.e. go into a separate room away and play with them). I can get so much more done in 15 minutes that way than with all the kids together, which could take almost an hour - no joke here. 

 

Even as I type this I feel conflicted. On the one hand I get so mad at him for not taking charge of the little ones to help me out, but on the other hand there are far worse things in life. 

 

Just yesterday, my husband went into the kitchen to do something, walking past me and the kids on the floor. I was trying to work on writing with the three kids and my 4th grader got mad at the 3 year. I had to deal with that situation - both kids crying and mad. Finally that de-escalated and I was back to teaching  writing. Although, before the kids calmed down, my husband witnessed part of what happened. He walked past us as the two were crying, but he didn't know exactly what was going on. He was aware that there was a melt-down, and saw that I took care of the situation. Anyway, I then told the 3 year old to go to daddy and tell daddy what happened. I needed her to walk away from us for a few minutes so that I could finish up the lesson. Well, she easily returned a minute later and then something happened between the 3rd grader and the 3 year old. The 3 year old was mad and crying and I asked my husband to keep the 3 year old in the kitchen. He then told the 3 year old across the room to come here. She didn't really respond. With encouragement from me, she went into the kitchen..." Child's name, go to daddy and help him in the kitchen. Husband's name, can you try to keep her in the kitchen?" Husband's response, "I can, but if she walks back into the living room, tell her to come back to the kitchen." 

 

I wasn't too upset about the situation at the time, until a little bit later. I was getting overwhelmed and wondered why my husband can't take charge and help me out when I'm homeschooling. 

 

Anyway, I needed to vent a bit about this. I'm still feeling pretty overwhelmed. I need to be refueled, I'm just so exhausted - not tired, but running on nearly empty.

 

I am struggling a bit with regards to having a "helping hand" in homeschooling. I am homeschooling three elementary school-aged children and have a 1 and 3 year old in the mix. The demands feel high and I am struggling with help. My husband fully supports homeschooling and loves it, but doesn't feel I need any help with the kids. I do all the homeschooling stuff, which I expected. I love teaching the children, working on projects, and doing all things related to homeschooling. My problem is sometimes I need a little bit of relief. I think I have high expectations. I think I need to just deal with these feelings. I just feel that if my husband is available to help, I would love for him to take the 1 and 3 year old and help (i.e. go into a separate room away and play with them). I can get so much more done in 15 minutes that way than with all the kids together, which could take almost an hour - no joke here. 

 

Even as I type this I feel conflicted. On the one hand I get so mad at him for not taking charge of the little ones to help me out, but on the other hand there are far worse things in life. 

 

Just yesterday, I was frustrated because he went into the kitchen to do something, walking past me and the kids on the floor. I was trying to work on writing with the three kids and my 4th grader got mad at the 3 year. I had to deal with that situation - both kids crying and mad. Finally that de-escalated and I was back to teaching  writing. Before the kids calmed down, my husband witnessed part of what happened. He walked past us as the two were crying, but he didn't know what was going on. He was aware that there was a melt-down, and saw that I took care of the situation. Anyway, I then told the 3 year old to go to daddy and tell daddy what happened. I needed her to walk away from us for a few minutes so that I could finish up the lesson. Well, she easily returned a minute later and then something happened between the 3rd grader and the 3 year old. The 3 year old was mad and crying and I asked my husband to keep the 3 year old in the kitchen. He then told the 3 year old across the room to come here. She didn't really respond. With encouragement from me, she went into the kitchen..." Child's name, go to daddy and help him in the kitchen. Husband's name, can you try to keep her in the kitchen?" Husband's response, "I can, but if she walks back into the living room, tell her to come back to the kitchen." 

 

I wasn't really upset about the situation at the time, until a little bit later. I was getting overwhelmed and wondered why my husband can't take charge and help me out when I'm homeschooling. 

 

Anyway, I needed to vent a bit about this. I'm still feeling pretty overwhelmed. I need to be refueled, I'm just so exhausted - not tired, but running on nearly empty.

 

[maize]

Does your husband work from home?

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wonder the same as Maize.  If he is really free and not helping then yes I'd be mad.  If he is supposed to be working, well then that is different.

 

 

[Bluegoat]

It sounds like this is a habitual pattern rather than there being some reason he doesn't take action.

 

I would guess that he doesn't really realize what he is doing or what would help, he probably is just doing what he always does without thinking.

 

I think your request is reasonable, but you need to talk about it with him, in detail, and not at the moment you want help.  I'd say that when you are teaching, also watching the other kids is not a good job combination - the lessons aren't as effective for you or the students, and so you would like him to help out with the younger kids, as a matter of course, whenever possible.  (Or, whatever it is you do want.)

 

He might have some reason to want to discuss/modify that, but it's the place to start I think.  Once you have an understanding, you might still need to point out you need help at first but he should have a better of what you are trying to accomplish.

[kewb]

Here is what I know about my husband. Unless I actually tell him "hey, I need help, please do xyz" he is oblivious. It seems obvious to me that help is needed but it simply is not obvious to dh.

 

You need to have a discussion with your husband about what help you need and when he should be giving it

[Garga]

We need more info.

 

Have you explicitly told all this to your dh? Has he flat out said, "I feel you don't need any help with the kids"? (A quote from your post.) Or do you just *think* he feels you don't need help, because of his actions, or rather in-actions.

 

If you haven't explicitly told him what your needs are, then that's the first step.

Edited September 30, 2016 by Garga

[marbel]

Here is what I know about my husband. Unless I actually tell him "hey, I need help, please do xyz" he is oblivious. It seems obvious to me that help is needed but it simply is not obvious to dh.

 

You need to have a discussion with your husband about what help you need and when he should be giving it

 

This has been my experience too, even now deep into the teen years.   He will gladly help but I have to be explicit on what help is needed.  Sometimes it's almost comical but I will spare everyone the dialog that can go on here.  (And to be fair to  my husband, there are things he has to explain in great detail to me too, so I am not bashing him.)

[lanalouwho]

My husband is also clueless. He is willing to help, but I have to tell him exactly what to do.

And I'm the default parent, so the boys always come to me first. Even if I'm busy juggling 3 different things and husband is watching TV. It's frustrating.

 

Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree you need to spell out what you want/need.  I would like for my husband to be as awesome as me at everything, but he isn't so I have to tell him.  :laugh:

 

No I mean really.  It annoys me to no end that for some reason I'm expected to naturally know what to do and handle it when it comes to the kids and he isn't, but yes that is the way he operates.  If I tell him he is good about it though.

 

 

[katilac]

If he works from home, it might be better to schedule a couple of specific times during the week when he can watch some of the kids for a short period of time while you work with the others. Maybe he can take them on a walk and manage their lunch during his lunch hour? A lot depends on the type of work he does. My dh works from home, but has to be very client-responsive and often has last minute things pop up, so for us that would not have worked unless I was reconciled to having it canceled pretty often. 

 

Another idea would be to do a bit of schooling in the evenings, after work. Like you said, you can get a tremendous amount done in an hour with a smaller number of older kids, so it wouldn't be overwhelming (and would give the kids more free time during the day). They might like an hour of 'homework' two or three times a week, in exchange for shorter, less frustrating days. 

[freesia]

When I started homeschooling, I had some of the same problems.  Dh has Mondays off, and at the time, went in late on Thursdays.  He is a wonderful, involved father, but wasn't great at seeing what I needed or being proactive about "helping".  So, what worked for us in SO many ways, was he started taking the younger children (and then child as the second started schooling) to the grocery store and did the shopping for the week.  He is the slowest shopper in the world, which usually drives me crazy, but not in this case.LOL  There is no reason he couldn't take the youngers to the park or shopping, right?  He should understand that he doesn't do his job while the children are crying and that it would be great if you could have a break from that, too.  Other days of the week I started putting the younger 2 in front of PBS for an hour so I could power work with the older two.  Read alouds were moved to after the younger's bedtime (and she kept that early bedtime for a LONG time--still she listens to books on tape for an hour before lights out).

[JustEm]

Have you talked to your dh about this? We get a lot of work done here with the older 2 first thing in the morning because the 1 and 3 year old are 'helping' dad make breakfast. This can mean they are actually helping him or standing on a chair watching him.

 

This didn't happen randomly one day. We talked about how he could help me around the house more so I can get school done quickly and other household chores don't become overwhelming because I'm trying to get them accomplished while wrangling and teaching kids. In the time it takes dh to make breakfast I can finish phonics, reading, and handwriting with my 2 older kids. That leaves math and whatever reading aloud I do with them for after breakfast. Trains, blocks, playdoh, and other things distract the other 2 after dh leaves so I can finish up.

 

I'd say talk to dh about how you 2 can work together to make that bag run more smoothly.

[Annie G]

You guys need to have a conversation- like, when the kids are in bed or something.  Not when you actually need help.  Because to him, when you say you need help, he probably thinks it's just for that current meltdown. And you mean ongoing assistance. 

 

I had to talk to dh about that years ago, and I was surprised by what he said- which was true. That when he was home during the day (occasional day off or during his lunch hour) he felt that if he took over handling kids that I would see it as butting into MY work. And I probably would have. Because I struggled with wanting help and not wanting it to seem that I couldn't handle the kids.  So I had to learn to clearly convey what I needed.  And he had to learn that yeah, it was his lunch hour, but if he really thought about it...I never got an hour to eat uninterrupted.  And on his 'days off' I get that he needed to recharge, but as a mom, I didn't get two days a week off....so he needed to pitch in. 

 

Now, if you guys have had these kinds of discussions and he won't step up to the plate, that's a whole different scenario. But first try to have a real discussion- with input from both of you- and see if it helps. 

 

 

[bfw0729]

I will try to respond again later. But yes, he does work from home. We are good about leaving him alone when he's working. We are used to him working from home, so the kids know the drill. 

 

He has directly told me that he feels I don't need the help, I look to have it under control. I tell him that even though it's under control, it would be very helpful to me if he could lend a helping hand. He KNOWS that I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am like a rag doll with the demands hitting and dragging me from all the directions. I have little breathing room to re-energize. Thankfully, I am able to take a deep breath and keep chugging along, but it is beating me down. I tell him this, I am a very open person. 

[Arcadia]

My husband needs an explicit task list. So if I need him to keep one kid with him so that I can help the other kid, I would have to explicitly say so including location and duration. So something like "I need you to watch over DS10 in the bedroom surfing the web and remind him to keep quiet until DS11 is done with his online class test".

 

If you need regular help, you need to be explicit too. Like I told my hubby no way I am teaching the languages, including our heritage language. So we budget for outside class/tutors because I can help but I do not and can not teach languages. Like grammar and vocabulary for any languages comes so naturally to me that I find it hard to teach explicitly.

 

I also tell hubby I need my ME/couple time so we budget for outside drop off fun classes that cost similar to babysitting costs.

[Anne]

Figure out what would help. What do you need to re-energize? Is it a break during the week? During the day? Find some specific ways your dh could help with that and tell him you are delighted that he thinks you have it all together, but in order to keep it that way, you need ____. If he can't or won't do _____, then figure out another way to get it: pay a helper, let some household stuff go, whatever it takes.

 

Hugs!

 

Anne

[Garga]

I will try to respond again later. But yes, he does work from home. We are good about leaving him alone when he's working. We are used to him working from home, so the kids know the drill.

 

He has directly told me that he feels I don't need the help, I look to have it under control. I tell him that even though it's under control, it would be very helpful to me if he could lend a helping hand. He KNOWS that I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am like a rag doll with the demands hitting and dragging me from all the directions. I have little breathing room to re-energize. Thankfully, I am able to take a deep breath and keep chugging along, but it is beating me down. I tell him this, I am a very open person.

So he's refusing to help?

 

I can't respond right now without ranting because that's a very Not Cool thing for him to do.

[Garga]

Ok.  Now I'll respond after getting over the initial irritation of him refusing to help.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now because maybe I'm reading it wrong and he's not being as bad as he sounds.

 

First: prioritize.  

Decide what is really important to you and do those things.  These are things like education.  Pick the things that you insist, for yourself, that must be done.  

 

Pull back on anything you can pull back on.  

If you are a perfect housekeeper, then don't be.  Be an adequate housekeeper.

If you volunteer somewhere (like at church) and don't absolutely love it, then stop.

 

 

Next: Figure out what is important to your DH, but not you, that he expects from you.  

Does he expect you to cook elaborate meals?  Do fancy yard work beyond keeping the grass trim?  Clean the house to perfection?  

 

Decide if you are still willing to do the things that are important to him without his support.  If so, fine.  That's your call.  

 

But if you longer want to do the things that are important to him because you run out of energy during the day from his lack of support, then stop doing them for him.

 

 For example, if you don't mind simple meals of sandwiches for dinner, but he like elaborate meals, well...just  make simple meals.  If he wants the elaborate meals enough, then he can either make them himself or he can pick up the slack somewhere else so you can make the meals for him.  

 

You are a grown woman, not a servant or a robot.  If you are at the end of your rope and no one will help you, then help yourself.  Figure out what is most important in life and do those things.  

 

Your husband can also find out what is most important in life and he can do those things.  You don't have to do his things for him.

 

This is not meant to be aggressive.  It's just basic life.  There's only so much time in the day.  You can't do your things and his things at the same time.  

 

Lastly: Get out of the house.  

For school:  

If there are evenings or daytimes when your DH is home, take the older kids to the library to school them and leave the younger ones with DH.  

 

 

For recharging:

Tell him, "Well, sweetie, you know I need to recharge, and we don't have any other commitments on Thursday night, so that's the night I'm going to get some downtime and recharge."

 

Some ideas:

Grab a sandwich and eat it in the car on the way to the library where you'll sit for a while reading the magazines or books.

Go to a movie (they have $5 Tuesday around here where all the new movies are $5 all day.  Does your theater have that?)
Go to grab coffee with a friend somewhere cheap (or expensive if you have money.)

Go alone to grab coffee somewhere.  

Hang out at a friend's house.

Knit in the corner of a library (if you're the knitting kind.) 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 30, 2016 by Garga

[Garga]

Just thought of something: make sure you're not taking on more than you need to that no one wants you to do.  

 

I have a friend with overwhelmingly high standards for things.  She honestly has OCD, I'm not just saying that to be cute.  It's a medical dx.

 

She often feels unsupported by her DH.  But her standards are simply too high.  Her husband would have to be willing to work at a job all day and work non-stop until he drops into bed late at night and be willing to get by on 5 hours of sleep or less a night.  No breaks.  No downtime.  Yes, that is exactly what she expects from him.

 

He is not willing to do it.  He has tried to make her happy, but her standards never relax.  There is never an end in sight.  He is a sweet man and tries to do what he can, but he simply stops helping when her expectations get too out of control.  He already does a lot for her, but it's never enough.  From her point of view, he doesn't support her.  From his, he's trying to carve out a life that isn't endless work.  Endless.  

 

Just throwing that out there.  Make sure you're not taking on duties that you don't need to.  Because if you are, then perhaps your husband is setting up appropriate boundaries by not jumping in all the time.  
 

I don't know you guys, so I can't say which way this is going.

Edited September 30, 2016 by Garga

[SKL]

Men don't usually know what you want until you tell them clearly.  Therefore please don't get yourself worked up over something that is totally natural.

 

I suggest you wait until you are very calm and clear-headed, with no kids underfoot, and you have his ear.  Talk to him about what you need from him and figure out a plan.  From what I'm hearing, he sounds like a nice guy who would help you out if he knew exactly how.

 

You might want to start making a list and then organize and re-organize it so that your discussion with dh can be productive.

 

I would also try to find a time during the week when you can relax and demand less of yourself.  What if you took most of Wednesday off to recharge?  I mean, you'd still have kids around, but you don't need to always be accomplishing something awesome with them.  :)

 

Good luck!

[prairiewindmomma]

Is he parenting at other points in the day? Because it sounds like he is not.  He has decided to opt out of parenting his children.

 

I would be hiring a sitter for a few hours a week to go out and get some decompression time.

I would be off-loading every non-essential thing in life.

I'd be looking at having some more conversation re: parenting dynamics with dh.

 

You are NOT the only one who struggles with this.

[SKL]

I agree, you talk about "demands."  Who is doing this demanding?  If it's largely yourself, go to "your boss" and have a serious discussion (in your head) about whether the demands are reasonable.  :)

[ktgrok]

Ask him how he'd feel to be in an office, where one employee slacked and let him do the work, because he seemed to have it under control. Even if he could manage all the work on his own, would it be right or fair for that other employee, his coworker, to sit back and do nothing? Or should they share the workload?

[ktgrok]

Oh,a nd yes, having him manage the kids for a few hours a week, on his own, will help him learn to read their cues, and mange them. DH really steps up helping when he has had one on one time with them, where they can't just run to me. 

[heartlikealion]

I get it. I only have two kids, but just doing homework or when we were homeschooling ds last year, is/was hard with the toddler. Is there a way to separate the areas? Sounds like an open floor plan and you need to go into a room with a door or the 3yr old needs to go into a room with Daddy that as a door. Sometimes dh will watch dd and insist that ds and I go into the back of the house. So, instead of staying at the kitchen table, we will go into ds' bedroom. That is the only way sometimes.

 

Other times I will insist that I need to get the toddler out of the house and can dh please take her with him to the store. That means I don't have to listen to whining, crying, etc.

[freesia]

Go, Garga. What she said, exactly!

[RioSamba]

I homeschool a fifth grader and have a two year old, and I couldn't homeschool without some help with the little one. Could you hire a mother's helper?

 

I'm having trouble quoting, but Garga gave you great advice. Read it ten times!

[wendy not in HI]

I think the walking-through-the-house-to-the-kitchen thing doesn't help. It's distracting. If he's working at home and you are schooling, there should be a "break time" schedule that you both respect.  If dad's job allows break time, then Dad's break time can include "recess" for the little two or PE for the big kids, along with lunch-duty.  

 

It is frustrating to not get the help you need, but it's also okay to look else-where for help. Your dh is home, but he is also working.  Maybe he's not the only person who could help.  If this isn't a new thing for him, he may not change in the way you are hoping. Have you thought of hiring housekeeping help or a mother's helper. You could use a mom's morning out program or a 3 day a week preschool (where they do all the crazy messy stuff I just don't enjoy).  

 

ps - Go Garga!

 

 

[EMS83]

I do have to add a possibility, because I know I've done this.  Is it possible he's so impressed with what he sees you doing that he's afraid he'd mess it up?  I have actually opted out of entire friendships because I was afraid to taint the other person.  Sad but true.  Maybe we both lost out, I don't know.  I know I did.  It's possible that could be going on, or not.  I don't know.

 

My husband needs either a list or a reminder.  He's always offered himself to help in any way, but I have to say when and how (and if it's like watching the kids while I grocery shop, advance notice is greatly appreciated).  He will very randomly do dishes or take out trash or rebuke the kids without my requesting it, but it's hugely random (and usually because I'm falling down in the job, lol--he never reproaches me, though; just takes up the slack).  But if I say, "hey can you grab the trash next time you go out?"  He'll usually do it.  Sometimes he forgets.  /shrug.  I tend not to ask him for help unless  just can't do it either for time, energy, or strength.  But I also keep our standards lower than what feels "right" and remind myself frequently that I am full contact parenting three kids 24/7 plus anything else that I end up doing in a day.