Wedding Question

[Katy]

I think as long as you tell them all far in advance that you're not planning on paying for weddings, that you'd rather give every child a check for "a few thousand dollars" to do with as they like, regardless of gender, then they won't hope for or expect more.  If it's $5k instead of $2-3k, they'll be happily surprised.

[Reefgazer]

DH and I paid for our own wedding; I did not expect our parents to pay. I do not expect to actually pay for either kids' wedding, but I will help out if asked or if it's needed.

[kroe1]

I have always felt that I owe my kiddos a first car, a college education, and a wedding. Since the average wedding in America is somewhere around $20,000, then I would expect to pay that. If I was the mother of the groom, I would think you were a tad cheap. Nonetheless, I would be grateful for a daughter-in-law who eloped and spent the $5000 on a down payment for a house instead of a big wedding.

 

For my Ds, I paid the traditional mother of the groom stuff. I spent roughly $15,000 on a rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, flowers, etc. I thought I got off cheap. But, since I was paying living expenses and an apartment for the happy couple, I did not offer to pay any of the bride family's expenses.

 

They survived and are still married 7 years later.

[heartlikealion]

I've read two comments about parents of the groom buying flowers. :confused1:  I thought that fell under bride's family obligation... if we're talking traditionally. I would lump it in with other wedding stuff.

[Bluegoat]

My parents paid for the bulk of our wedding.  It wasn't that expensive, in terms of such thing - the biggest limitation we had to work with is that I have a large family and the family culture tends to inviting everyone.  We could have done very small with just parents and siblings, but that wasn't what we wanted.  So we knew there would be about 100 people.

 

We were lucky to get some things very inexpensively.  The place we had the reception only cost us $100 because dh's parents were members, my dress cost $28, and we had a dance which my uncles band played at which was fairly inexpensive compared to hiring a band we didn't know or a dj.  And the wedding cake was cheap because the baker had opened a new business and wanted to get some work out there.

 

The biggest cost was food though we had a very good deal on that as well - under $13 a plate for half a chicken, corn on the cob, salad, and strawberry shortcake. 

 

If my parents hadn't wanted to chip in we'd have not had a dinner or dance - just a punch and finger food reception, which would have been totally fine.

[QueenCat]

I have always felt that I owe my kiddos a first car, a college education, and a wedding. Since the average wedding in America is somewhere around $20,000, then I would expect to pay that. If I was the mother of the groom, I would think you were a tad cheap. Nonetheless, I would be grateful for a daughter-in-law who eloped and spent the $5000 on a down payment for a house instead of a big wedding.

 

For my Ds, I paid the traditional mother of the groom stuff. I spent roughly $15,000 on a rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, flowers, etc. I thought I got off cheap. But, since I was paying living expenses and an apartment for the happy couple, I did not offer to pay any of the bride family's expenses.

 

They survived and are still married 7 years later.

 

Same here........... I expect to do similar things for my sons (no daughters here). And I don't think those are crazy amounts in this century. My sister's wedding was crazy expensive (25k for my parents part, probably 15k for his parents part and that was 15 years ago). But today, that's not so crazy. Thankfully, even though neither boy is close to marrying, we've saved for that just like saving for college, from a young age.

[QueenCat]

Out of curiosity, since it's subjective, what are you all calling inexpensive, moderate and expensive in TODAY's dollars?

[Bluegoat]

Out of curiosity, since it's subjective, what are you all calling inexpensive, moderate and expensive in TODAY's dollars?

For a wedding?  It would depend somewhat on where people live - and there is always the question of cost per guest which could mean the same price looks like a much different event - so much of who is invited is about family size and culture.  But:

 

Super-inexpensive - under about $500

 

Inexpensive - under about $3000, in some places maybe $2000

 

Moderate - Under $10,000, in some places more like $7000

 

Expensive - over $10,000

 

Super-expensive - over $25,000

[catz]

I have always felt that I owe my kiddos a first car, a college education, and a wedding. Since the average wedding in America is somewhere around $20,000, then I would expect to pay that. If I was the mother of the groom, I would think you were a tad cheap.

 

Hmmm ... cheap?  I think parents should support and love their adult children.  If they want to help throw a wedding financially to whatever degree works for them, that's great.  I think a greater gift to your children is an education and rock solid retirement plan for yourself than an over the top wedding.  And again, if you can afford the big wedding, fabulous.  Carry on.  I just can't imagine making any kind of judgment about a family that just doesn't open the pocket book for whatever reason.

 

My bigger priority is getting my kids though college with hopefully no debt.  I consider that a larger priority than a 20K wedding.  I assume we will be helping my kids if they chose to get married.  And I suspect we will gift both my son and daughter the same amount to do with as they please - throw a wedding, elope, buy a house, etc. barring some weird circumstances.

 

I've read two comments about parents of the groom buying flowers. :confused1:  I thought that fell under bride's family obligation... if we're talking traditionally. I would lump it in with other wedding stuff.

 

I don't think there are any hard core rules going into a wedding these days in the US at least.  I wouldn't make any assumptions.

 

When my brother got married, his wife's family paid for literally nothing.  She was divorced though and I suspect they were tapped out.  I suspect that family wasn't a whole lot more involved in her first wedding.  They were happy for them and showed up.  My brother got the same amount I did to throw a wedding from our parents.

Edited April 26, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Bluegoat]

Hmmm ... cheap?  I think parents should support and love their adult children.  If they want to help throw a wedding financially to whatever degree works for them, that's great.  I think a greater gift to your children is an education and rock solid retirement plan for yourself than an over the top wedding.  And again, if you can afford the big wedding, fabulous.  Carry on.  I just can't imagine making any kind of judgment about a family that just doesn't open the pocket book for whatever reason.

 

 

 

That is my thinking too.

 

And - an education or help with a house are going to have to be within the parents means too, whatever they are.  My dd11 decided last year she wanted to go to Oxford.  I told her she would need to study really hard to get a scholarship because that would be totally outside our means.

 

And really - the purpose of a wedding is to marry.  Arguably I is functional to do so within your community so including guests is not just for fun.  But people can marry and have a get together quite effectively for under $500, it isn't going to affect the quality of the marriage.  Which isn't always the case with education, retirement, and so on.

[Carrie12345]

I suspect my mil has/had negative feelings about my parents not paying for a "real" wedding, but I didn't WANT a "real" wedding, and I never expected my parents to buy me one.  MIL took it upon herself to throw a reception, that I didn't want, at a later date, and then complained that we received less cash/gifts than the party cost.  (Now I kind of wonder if she was expecting us to pay her back!)

 

Her 30-something dd is not married and now MIL has no money, so I have a feeling her perspective may change if sil ever does tie the knot.

[Carrie12345]

 Since the average wedding in America is somewhere around $20,000, then I would expect to pay that. If I was the mother of the groom, I would think you were a tad cheap.

 

Ouch.  Let's not have our kids meet, okay.  ;)

[bettyandbob]

I don't have an etiquette reference, but I think groom/groom family paying for flowers used at the church (not sure about reception venue) has a thing a long time. I remember stories about my dad arranging for delivery of flowers at the last minute for his wedding in 1959. My parents did rehearsal dinner and flowers for my brother's wedding in 1982.

 

I wouldn't think a dil family was cheap. I hope no one devides my family is cheap.

 

My dh best friend married a woman from a poor family. The mother was widowed young with 6 small children. She supported them. They got scholarships and all got through college, but the mother could not do weddings beyond church basement and asking friends to bring potluck. This couple has been married 30 years and I can see the best friend's family still talks about the wife's family derisively. Honestly. They have no class.

[FaithManor]

Hmmm ... cheap? I think parents should support and love their adult children. If they want to help throw a wedding financially to whatever degree works for them, that's great. I think a greater gift to your children is an education and rock solid retirement plan for yourself than an over the top wedding. And again, if you can afford the big wedding, fabulous. Carry on. I just can't imagine making any kind of judgment about a family that just doesn't open the pocket book for whatever reason.

 

My bigger priority is getting my kids though college with hopefully no debt. I consider that a larger priority than a 20K wedding. I assume we will be helping my kids if they chose to get married. And I suspect we will gift both my son and daughter the same amount to do with as they please - throw a wedding, elope, buy a house, etc. barring some weird circumstances.

 

 

I don't think there are any hard core rules going into a wedding these days in the US at least. I wouldn't make any assumptions.

 

When my brother got married, his wife's family paid for literally nothing. She was divorced though and I suspect they were tapped out. I suspect that family wasn't a whole lot more involved in her first wedding. They were happy for them and showed up. My brother got the same amount I did to throw a wedding from our parents.

I completely agree. A wedding is not a parental obligation.

 

Due to medical advances and the later average maternal age, Gen X'ers have become a very stressed sandwich generation who have much more financial pressure assisting young adult children getting started in life while often also being squashed by the boomer generation many of whom did not save for the years in which they would no longer be able to work counting on social security to get them through putting a huge burden on their kids who are still full time parenting, paying for college, helping their kids get into their apartments or houses, working full time, and facing age discrimination in the work place and wage stagnation. The greatest gift gen ex can give gen Y, is the gift of saving and getting out of debt so they do not financially squash their kids.

 

I do not recommend that anyone spend $20,000 on a wedding unless their retirement is already fully funded, college is funded without high debt, and the house is paid for and maintenance and major repairs taken care of for the foreseeable future.

 

If you have that taken care of, then by all means knock yourselves out! Event planners everywhere thank you! :)

[luuknam]

I have always felt that I owe my kiddos a first car, a college education, and a wedding. Since the average wedding in America is somewhere around $20,000, then I would expect to pay that. If I was the mother of the groom, I would think you were a tad cheap.

 

Part of the reason the average has gone up is because more people just live together and/or have kids without getting married at all.

 

Same here........... I expect to do similar things for my sons (no daughters here). And I don't think those are crazy amounts in this century. My sister's wedding was crazy expensive (25k for my parents part, probably 15k for his parents part and that was 15 years ago). But today, that's not so crazy.

 

Our family of 4 was living on about $20k/year for a few years in the 2010s in a house bought for less than $20k in the 2000s in Texas. So, I think $20k for a wedding is crazy, even in this century. Sure, if we win the lottery, we might spend that (or more) on a wedding, but otherwise, no.

 

My in-laws (the groom's parents - with the groom being an only child that MIL had been getting worried was never going to marry, albeit being only 28 when we got married) paid for most of our wedding (they also made more money than my parents). I think they spent $2k in 2004, but I never saw any numbers. It was a small wedding, without a wedding cake - I'm sure dinner for 20 or so people was the biggest expense. My parents paid for the wedding dress (500 euros) and to get me, themselves, and my brother to Texas for the wedding (I'm from The Netherlands). I think circumstances really matter. I got married at 20yo - if I'd gotten married at 35yo, I suspect I'd have footed most of the bill myself rather than the in-laws footing most of the bill.

 

ETA: I went to the US on a fiancee visa (which cost $$$ too), so marriage was a requirement within 3 months of arrival. A wedding was optional, but MIL wasn't going to miss out on that opportunity. If marriage wasn't part of immigration's requirements we'd have lived together for a while before deciding to get married. Married 11 years now.

Edited April 26, 2016 by luuknam

[regentrude]

Scratching my head: people complain about student debt and college costs, but consider 20k weddings normal?

[Bluegoat]

I think its easier to see how it was considered an obligation by thinking about how most of us would feel about helping our child get set up in a first apartment, maybe for a first real job away from home.  Most parents would want to help, the kids would have limited means for those start-up expenses, and even beyond wanting many would consider it a parental obligation to do what they could to help.

 

For many people getting married was like that.  The couple was just finishing their education, maybe having a first job or early in the career, with no household or goods to set one up.  The costs of the wedding, however modest, were a part of that just like any other costs - people were not going to be shacking up unmarried in most cases and parents would not want that for their kids - it was a security issue apart from the social aspect.

 

A lot of those considerations are not the same now, people are older, often they have a household and established career, they may already live together.  And the level of the event that many people want goes well beyond just seeing them married and secure.

[Bluegoat]

Part of the reason the average has gone up is because more people just live together and/or have kids without getting married at all.

 

....

 

 

Yes - this is also I think why many people get the sense they have to have some big wedding.  People save up while living together, or forego a wedding altogether, instead of having a modest one.  Whereas before, people married with whatever resources they had.

[FaithManor]

Father of the Bride wih Steve Martin and Diane Keaton was a fun, fuzzy, date night film and nothing more.

 

Trust me, I make weddings very beautiful, very memorable, and at no time had it been necessary to have swans waddling amongst a newly created tulip border, an ice sculpture rivaling The David, a wedding $2500 wedding cake, or centerpieces that cost $200 a piece, nor live flower garlands so dense in flowers that it easily cost $50 a foot to create.

 

As an event planner who has had to deal with families who have unrealistic expectations, I just have to say that it is really important not to get the purpose of the wedding lost in the details of the wedding itself.

[cottonmama]

I have two daughters and a son, so honestly my greatest wedding-planning fear is that my daughters' in-laws will expect us to cover the whole thing, and my son's in-laws will expect us to cover half or more. :svengo:

 

My main strategy, in any case, is not to contribute many names to the guest list.  My mother's list was hundreds of people long, so even with nothing but light snacks at the reception, the catering expenses were very, very high.  Without a large guest list, I think our wedding expenses would have been pretty reasonable.

 

Still, I worry that one of the girls' weddings will involve a social-butterfly mother of the groom who, like my mother, can't imagine not inviting everyone she's ever known.  But surely I can trust that if that's the case, we will just provide what we can, and if it's important to the groom's family, they will cover the extra expense?

[Sherry in OH]

Looking at these expectations, I'm glad I don't have daughters.  Dh and I plan to encourage our sons to elope.

 

[heartlikealion]

I looked it up online about who pays for flowers (again, speaking traditionally). http://emilypost.com/advice/wedding-expenses-the-traditional-division

 

You could go either way on the corsages, but mostly the flowers are associated with the bride's side according to Emily Post. We went to a bakery/florist combo and placed our whole order there. We had boutonnieres/corsages for wedding party. Our wedding topper was flowers, too.

 

I just remembered we didn't pay for photography either so there was another area of savings. My sis and BIL are enthusiastic photographers (not professional, but good). We didn't have a band or dj, just a musical playlist. No one wanted to dance and some people left before the reception so it probably would have been a waste of money.

 

Some of those prices sound crazy to me in this century, too.

[FaithManor]

I have a friend with three daughters and one recently became engaged to a young man whose parents spent nearly thirty grand on his older sister's wedding. The expectation on them is very high, and their income is no where near the ballpark of the other family. In addition due to large family size combined with divorce and remarriages within a group that maintains tight relationships, their own extended family is HUGE and have a very real expectation of a big wedding, very beautiful, lots of gourmet foods and treats, dj and dancing,.... and the traditionalist groom's family is not offering to pay. The bride has been in tears more than once, the groom has had to tell his family to back off, and the loud obnoxious opinions of the grand parents, step grandparents, etc. so great that my soft, dear people pleasing friend is tied in knots, her husband very angry. Not a happy time and they are trying to help their eldest daughter through college.

 

I see this kind of ridiculous nonsense all the time as an event planner. Not my first rodeo as the saying goes. I am a fan of "run off to Vegas with your two best friends" for couples who have this kind of unfortunate behavior among their relatives.

 

I doubt this couple will do that though they absolutely should because their wedding and reception will be a complete misery, an exhausting endeavor that they merely survive, so since this bride and her mama are near and dear to me, I will do what I can, let them use a lot of my supplies, decor, etc. for free, and endure, but I am not looking forward to it.

 

Learn from this. Do not be those parents, those in laws, those relatives. Be realistic, be supportive, be happy. Be the no pressure people. There are future relationships to consider and the wedding insanity, my way or the highway, method is not a good way to begin with your future in law.

Edited April 26, 2016 by FaithManor

[Spryte]

I think we'll offer a check and tell them to spend it how they like. It will be the same amount for boys and girls. :) They can do a wedding or elope and keep the cash. Or anything in between.

 

FWIW, DH and I paid for every dime of our wedding. And it was perfect. My mom paid for a moving van, so DH could move his studio and stuff cross country to our new home, though, and his parents paid for a small farewell dinner. Since his move was tied up with our wedding, I call those nice wedding gifts. :) I shouldn't comment on siblings' weddings but at least one was in the "super-expensive" category listed above, by today's standards - and it was in the early 90s, so it was well beyond super expensive then. My father footed the bill for that one. It was something I had no interest in replicating, even if DH and I could have afforded it.

[Catalytic]

Do people still expect a bride's family to foot the bill for weddings? If you have a son who was getting married, and the bride's family was only going to cut a check for a specified amount (not the whole amount), would that be a forever grudge maker for you?

 

My kids are no where near marriageable age, but we have no plans of paying for an entire wedding, unless that wedding is under $5,000. I plan on just giving them a check when the time comes and saying, "Spend it however you like!"  I really want no part in wedding planning.

 

Am I just setting myself up for my daughters' inlaws to hate me some day? I have a son, and he will get the same deal.

 

Not sure what made me think of this. My own wedding in 1998 was planned in about 2 months for under $2000.

 

Kelly

 

My daughter has known her whole life we wouldn't be paying for a wedding.  Justice of the peace has worked fine for DH and I for 20 years  :lol:

[wendy not in HI]

It is so interesting to read about everyone's wedding expectations.  What I find fascinating is the idea that some of* you would say "here's some money, good luck" and that's it.  So strange to me!  To me a wedding is a family putting on a big party.  Some things are hired out, but most things are done by the family.   I have 6 sisters, and each of our weddings was nice but cheap, and all were done by family and friends. 

 

Our oldest daughter is getting married this summer, and I can't imagine her being able to just do a wedding all on her own with a certain chunk of money from me, unless that chunk was huge and she was able to hire a wedding planner.  My daughter's expectations are way bigger then mine or any of my sisters from when we got married, but pretty modest compared to others.  She is young and in love and so sweet about planning her wedding!  She is also a nursing student without much money or free time!!

 

She has hired a photographer for their engagement/announcement photos and for the day of the wedding.  That may be the biggest single expense of her wedding.  And it's something that none of my sisters or I had, and something we all regret not having. 

 

We are Mormon, so the ceremony will be in the temple.  The reception will be at my parents' home - they have a beautiful property with lovely lawn, big trees and a you-pick berry farm.  We bought her dress which seemed really extravagant to me, as my mom made my dress as well as my sisters wedding dresses.  Her dress is just beautiful!! We bought dresses for her sisters to wear as her bridesmaids.  

 

She wants to carry sunflowers as her bouquet, and she wants a more rustic look on the tables, so we will order flowers from costco and safeway and use flowers from my parents cutting garden (sounds fancier than it is - the outside row of their berry patch is daisies and other flowers, they invite pickers to cut their own flowers)  and do our own arranging on the tables.  My sister is a florist, so she will help us with the boutonnieres and arranging.  

 

She wants a small cake and lots of cupcakes, so she is ordering the cake, and we will bake bunches of cupcakes in a few different flavors.  We are borrowing some tables, and renting others and the chairs.  I may buy tablecloths, I'm not sure.  She wants burlap runners, so we are buying a couple bolts and will cut it to size.  My mom has lots of fun rustic decorations that my daughter likes, and we have purchased some cute cake stands.  She likes the idea of lines of jars on the table holding the flowers, so that's cheap and easy.  My mom bought lots of christmas lights after Christmas, and I have ordered some strings of the larger globe light strands.  I'm not sure what we will do for music...

 

For food we are planning to do finger foods and sandwich spread.  The reception is late in the evening, so it's not really a dinner.  We are planning to order deli trays from costco, along with croissants.  We will have fresh fruit and salad.  Simple.  We may have icees or order slushies from a catering company.  She wants lemonade to drink, and we may have root beer in glass bottles.  No alcohol, which really cuts down on costs!  I'm not sure what we will do for dishes.  I don't want paper, but many of the guest will be children, so I'm not sure about glass either.  Need to think about that.  

 

I'm not sure if she will have her hair and nails done.  

 

Anyway, I am expecting to spend about $5000 to include the dresses, the photographer, the food, flowers, table and chair rental, and decor.  My mom, sisters, and I will do most of the actual work.  Most of the guests will be family.  The groom is youngest of 8 kids.  His oldest sister is nearly my age.  His parents have traditionally contributed a set amount of cash (>$1000) and let their kids decide how to use it.  They don't do the rehearsal dinner or flowers or anything like that. My dd and her fiance are using that money for their honeymoon. Two of my sisters are also helping them pay for a little of their honeymoon.  

 

Anyway, it's a big family event.  He has lots of brothers and sisters and more than 20 nieces and nephews.  Lots of kids and family!!  And the wedding will not be fancy, but I hope it will be lovely and I hope it will be a nice day for her, and not too crazy for the rest of us!!  Aren't weddings fun!

 

* eta: "some of you"  it was rude of me to suggest that all participants in this thread would act in a certain way, and I certainly didn't mean it.

Edited April 27, 2016 by wendy not in HI

[QueenCat]

Ouch.  Let's not have our kids meet, okay.  ;)

 

I'm reminded of a thread where people were talking about matching their kids up......... wonder if I can find it. Might try.

[QueenCat]

Part of the reason the average has gone up is because more people just live together and/or have kids without getting married at all.

 

 

Our family of 4 was living on about $20k/year for a few years in the 2010s in a house bought for less than $20k in the 2000s in Texas. So, I think $20k for a wedding is crazy, even in this century. Sure, if we win the lottery, we might spend that (or more) on a wedding, but otherwise, no.

 

It really is a subjective question, with subjective answers because we're all coming from different places, different situations, etc. I said what I expected to do, not what I would expect others to do.

[Spryte]

Wendy not in HI, I wouldn't hand my kids a check and say good luck. I'm stunned that it came across that way. I plan to say we have X amount of dollars for a wedding/gift. You may use it for a wedding or any other way you'd like. If they opt for a wedding, we will help in any way we can with planning or doing things Inexpensively. We are Big Party People, and have done major events throughout my kids' lives. They get it. They see it. They live it. And they know I throw a heck of a party. :). They'll have access to a lot of help. But, if they are like me, and would prefer a small, simple, very private wedding - they'll still get the money we'd have spent on the wedding. They can use it for a down payment on a house, or whatever they'd like.

 

I didn't mean for it to sound cold.

[HS Mom in NC]

It is so interesting to read about everyone's wedding expectations.  What I find fascinating is the idea that you would say "here's some money, good luck" and that's it.  So strange to me!  To me a wedding is a family putting on a big party.  Some things are hired out, but most things are done by the family.   I have 6 sisters, and each of our weddings was nice but cheap, and all were done by family and friends. 

 Aren't weddings fun!

 

What makes you assume after the money was handed over that would be it?  This thread was about who pays for what.  That's doesn't automatically mean none of us would be involved or help with planning if we were asked to. It means we'd hand the money over up front so our adult children have realistic expectations and we don't have any debt or failure to meet our long term responsibilities like savings and retirement.  Which, by the way, does affect our kids long term when we're elderly.

 

Not everyone wants their family involved in planning details.  I had no interest in asking my 3 older, unattached brothers to help me with wedding planning.  Did they help load and set up chairs?  Yes, but that wasn't what was being discussed in this thread.

 

How nice that you have a family that works well together.  What's that like?  You are aware that many many families are incredibly complicated, right?  You do know that some family members are overbearing, controlling, manipulative and petty, even during wedding prep and festivities, right?  Not yours, obviously, but surely you're aware not all families are like yours, right?

[marbel]

What makes you assume after the money was handed over that would be it?  This thread was about who pays for what.  That's doesn't automatically mean none of us would be involved or help with planning if we were asked to. It means we'd hand the money over up front so our adult children have realistic expectations and we don't have any debt or failure to meet our long term responsibilities like savings and retirement.  Which, by the way, does affect our kids long term when we're elderly.

 

Not everyone wants their family involved in planning details.  I had no interest in asking my 3 older, unattached brothers to help me with wedding planning.  Did they help load and set up chairs?  Yes, but that wasn't what was being discussed in this thread.

 

How nice that you have a family that works well together.  What's that like?  You are aware that many many families are incredibly complicated, right?  You do know that some family members are overbearing, controlling, manipulative and petty, even during wedding prep and festivities, right?  Not yours, obviously, but surely you're aware not all families are like yours, right?

 

No kidding. One of the things I hate most in life is planning social events that are bigger than "hey, come over some food on Sunday" or similar.   So, while I would certainly be available to help my daughter plan her wedding, in reality we would both be happiest if I just stayed out of the way and let her (and her fiance) do their thing.  

 

Planning my own wedding was a huge pain to me.  Choosing colors, choosing flowers.  The only fun parts of the planning were related to the food and drink.  Cake tasting?  Sure, sign me up. 

 

Happy for families where it works that wedding planning is a family affair.  Happy that my kid knows that mom loves her and wants her to have a nice wedding, and will give as much $$ cash as I reasonably can, and let her enjoy planning it.  

 

[FaithManor]

No, sadly, for many weddings really aren't fun. The tragedy is that for many it is an event to be endured.It is a very unfortunate flaw in our culture that so much pressure and stress surrounds what should be a happy occasion, that often a wedding brings out the worst in the relatives, the narcissists out of the woodwork.

 

In my experience, due to the family culture and simply different religious culture that surrounds Mormon, Amish,Orthodox, and Mennonite weddings, the organization and execution of these events has more of a joyous, community spirit with a lot less pressure on the bride and groom. Over the years, I have seen that most families outside those faith traditions do not have that same access to "many hands make light work", and "isn't this fun, let's all pitch in" mentality. It just is not as culturally common outside certain traditions.

 

It is also made harder by the fact that so many couples live/work away from their parents and relatives often significant distance away. This makes the logistics of a coordinated effort much harder.

[QueenCat]

 

It is also made harder by the fact that so many couples live/work away from their parents and relatives often significant distance away. This makes the logistics of a coordinated effort much harder.

 

This really does make things harder...... there are times where I would love to help out more with advanced prep but getting there more than a day early isn't usually possible. And then it's time for the actual festivities.

[wendy not in HI]

What makes you assume after the money was handed over that would be it?  This thread was about who pays for what.  That's doesn't automatically mean none of us would be involved or help with planning if we were asked to. It means we'd hand the money over up front so our adult children have realistic expectations and we don't have any debt or failure to meet our long term responsibilities like savings and retirement.  Which, by the way, does affect our kids long term when we're elderly.

 

Not everyone wants their family involved in planning details.  I had no interest in asking my 3 older, unattached brothers to help me with wedding planning.  Did they help load and set up chairs?  Yes, but that wasn't what was being discussed in this thread.

 

How nice that you have a family that works well together.  What's that like?  You are aware that many many families are incredibly complicated, right?  You do know that some family members are overbearing, controlling, manipulative and petty, even during wedding prep and festivities, right?  Not yours, obviously, but surely you're aware not all families are like yours, right?

 

Sorry, That's just how I read it.  Every family is different!  That's what I love about this place, reading about everyone's life experience!  I thought I'd add mine.

 

Cheers!

Edited April 26, 2016 by wendy not in HI

[BlsdMama]

Math, math, math... If a couple has eight daughters, how much must the husband earn?  LOL, conversations like this one give me heart palpitations. :) (And ensure I don't raise children who feel entitled.)  ;)

[wendy not in HI]

This really does make things harder...... there are times where I would love to help out more with advanced prep but getting there more than a day early isn't usually possible. And then it's time for the actual festivities.

 

Me, too!

 

We are in VA.  Dd is across the country.  We are moving to the middle of no where at the beginning of July.  Wedding is at the end of July!  It's so complicated!  It would be so much simpler if we all lived in the same little village. Luckily my parents live near where dd is in school and where she is getting married.  That's a big help!  I don't know how it will work for our other children when they marry and we will likely live in another different place...

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'm in the camp of making sure that I have a secure retirement, that I've helped them get through college with a minimum of debt, and that I am financially secure enough to not need their financial support when I am old.  That is my duty to my kids when they are adults.  When it comes to weddings, my older two don't have a clue as neither of them have ever been to a wedding.  They are shy, so they would probably not want a huge shindig.  Dd and I have watched "Say 'Yes' to the Dress" mostly just because we like dresses.  But we are always flabbergasted by the $$ that people spend on their dresses and their weddings.  We talk about how the marriage is so much more important than the wedding.  I think I would gift each kid the same amount of $$ for them to use as they wish.  I will be as involved in the planning as they want me to be.  I'm pretty sure that with dd, it would be a bonding experience. 

 

When dh and I got engaged, I had hopes of a smaller wedding (small by major metropolitan area standards.)  I really only wanted family and a few friends - with family and some cousins, the head count could easily reach 100 and that would have been plenty large ) My dad expected to pay for the wedding, but we would have gone with something much smaller.  I was the last one in the family to get married and he wanted the sit-down dinner with lots of friends (we ended up with 200 people.) I didn't get to talk to so many people.  The night was a blur.  

 

One thing I will counsel my children about is food.  Don't just do hors d'oevers if you have people there over a meal-time.   I've been in weddings where they did that and I nearly passed out.  We were fed a breakfast of donuts and had some starchy snacky things and then hors d'oevers at the reception.  I nearly passed out at the reception.  If I could have just left everyone and gone to the nearest drive-thru, that would have been great. 

[luuknam]

It really is a subjective question, with subjective answers because we're all coming from different places, different situations, etc. I said what I expected to do, not what I would expect others to do.

 

Well, you were agreeing with the person who said that the average wedding today is $20k and that she'd see the OP's $5k as cheapskate. $20k is enough for a family of 4 to live on for a year in Texas (though not comfortably), which is not a third world country or w/e. So, objectively, $20k is not a small sum of money (if it is, you're welcome to write us a check). Nothing subjective about that. Obviously, you can do whatever you want (assuming you have $20k), but when you're agreeing with someone who thinks that a bride's parents being willing to pay only $5k is cheap, then yeah, I think it needs to be said that people who spend $5k on someone's wedding are not "being cheap". Now, if those people are multimillionaires and willing to spend only $5k, it's maybe a different matter, but as a blanket statement... no.

[luuknam]

Math, math, math... If a couple has eight daughters, how much must the husband earn?

 

Spread out over 16 years, about $10k more per year than someone without daughters. Or, if you start a wedding fund at birth of first child, about $4k-$5k more per year than someone without daughters. Of course, that's assuming you don't make any interest on the money, but then and again, I'm also not thinking of inflation of wedding expenses.

 

ETA: after taxes, of course. How much that'd be before taxes depends on your tax bracket etc.

Edited April 26, 2016 by luuknam

[QueenCat]

Well, you were agreeing with the person who said that the average wedding today is $20k and that she'd see the OP's $5k as cheapskate. $20k is enough for a family of 4 to live on for a year in Texas (though not comfortably), which is not a third world country or w/e. So, objectively, $20k is not a small sum of money (if it is, you're welcome to write us a check). Nothing subjective about that. Obviously, you can do whatever you want (assuming you have $20k), but when you're agreeing with someone who thinks that a bride's parents being willing to pay only $5k is cheap, then yeah, I think it needs to be said that people who spend $5k on someone's wedding are not "being cheap". Now, if those people are multimillionaires and willing to spend only $5k, it's maybe a different matter, but as a blanket statement... no.

 

You know, many times, many people on here agree with the overall lengthy comment someone makes but not necessarily every tidbit. You've been around here long enough to know that. You've also been around long enough to know that I'm generally supportive of people here...... I was agreeing with her about what I personally expect to do, which I actually said in my response. I don't actually think someone is being cheap if they can't afford to do more than 5k. I don't think they're being cheap if they can't help at all. I merely said where I come from FOR MYSELF as to what I expect to be able to do. I wasn't ugly towards you and really don't get your almost venomous attitude towards my thoughts. I looked back at my original response to you and it wasn't ugly at all; in fact, it recognized that I understand people coming from different places in what they can do, etc.

[QueenCat]

Me, too!

 

We are in VA.  Dd is across the country.  We are moving to the middle of no where at the beginning of July.  Wedding is at the end of July!  It's so complicated!  It would be so much simpler if we all lived in the same little village. Luckily my parents live near where dd is in school and where she is getting married.  That's a big help!  I don't know how it will work for our other children when they marry and we will likely live in another different place...

 

If ours stays put, it won't be as bad as cross country....... but still a good day's drive. Moving and a wedding in the same month? Yikes! If you're a wine drinker, stock up! Live in VA too ;)

[Bluegoat]

What makes you assume after the money was handed over that would be it?  This thread was about who pays for what.  That's doesn't automatically mean none of us would be involved or help with planning if we were asked to. It means we'd hand the money over up front so our adult children have realistic expectations and we don't have any debt or failure to meet our long term responsibilities like savings and retirement.  Which, by the way, does affect our kids long term when we're elderly.

 

Not everyone wants their family involved in planning details.  I had no interest in asking my 3 older, unattached brothers to help me with wedding planning.  Did they help load and set up chairs?  Yes, but that wasn't what was being discussed in this thread.

 

How nice that you have a family that works well together.  What's that like?  You are aware that many many families are incredibly complicated, right?  You do know that some family members are overbearing, controlling, manipulative and petty, even during wedding prep and festivities, right?  Not yours, obviously, but surely you're aware not all families are like yours, right?

 

Well, I think that impression was given because there were several posters who said that.  A few added that they would not want to have anything at all to do with wedding planning or prep.

 

It seems clear that not everyone would feel that way.

[luuknam]

You know, many times, many people on here agree with the overall lengthy comment someone makes but not necessarily every tidbit. You've been around here long enough to know that. You've also been around long enough to know that I'm generally supportive of people here...... I was agreeing with her about what I personally expect to do, which I actually said in my response. I don't actually think someone is being cheap if they can't afford to do more than 5k. I don't think they're being cheap if they can't help at all. I merely said where I come from FOR MYSELF as to what I expect to be able to do. I wasn't ugly towards you and really don't get your almost venomous attitude towards my thoughts. I looked back at my original response to you and it wasn't ugly at all; in fact, it recognized that I understand people coming from different places in what they can do, etc.

 

I'm sorry, it's not you, it's the idea that $20-$25k for a wedding is not a crazy amount of money. Obviously there are people who have that much money to blow, but, there are entire families who live on that amount of money in a YEAR (not a wedding that's a few hours long). And when rich people go around saying "oh, that's really not that much money, it's really not that crazy to spend that on a wedding", then people who live or lived on that amount of money are going to get a little irritable (just imagine living on $20k/year for multiple years with your spouse and kids in the 2010s). It's entirely different when someone says "well, we've got a ton of money and/or weddings are very high priority events to us, so we're planning on spending $20k".

 

Incidentally, I'm curious how you figure $25k in 1990 is crazy and $25k today is not ($25k in 1990 is $46k in 2016, for those who are wondering).

[QueenCat]

I'm sorry, it's not you, it's the idea that $20-$25k for a wedding is not a crazy amount of money. Obviously there are people who have that much money to blow, but, there are entire families who live on that amount of money in a YEAR (not a wedding that's a few hours long). And when rich people go around saying "oh, that's really not that much money, it's really not that crazy to spend that on a wedding", then people who live or lived on that amount of money are going to get a little irritable (just imagine living on $20k/year for multiple years with your spouse and kids in the 2010s). It's entirely different when someone says "well, we've got a ton of money and/or weddings are very high priority events to us, so we're planning on spending $20k".

 

Incidentally, I'm curious how you figure $25k in 1990 is crazy and $25k today is not ($25k in 1990 is $46k in 2016, for those who are wondering).

 

Actually, in some ways I think it's crazy but I don't think it's abnormal, from my personal experience. I do expect to hit into the teens when my sons marry but I would never do it to the detriment of things like education, retirement, etc. Note that I include everything in that (travel for us, travel for other son, travel for pre-wedding activities, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon help, etc, etc, not just direct expenses). And yes, I really do realize that we are extremely fortunate to be able to do so, and yet no one would call us "rich" (not even the IRS). Some of it is being fortunate enough to have a grandfather who started college funds and boys getting scholarships. Part is luck........ As far as the difference between the years, 25k bought a lot more in 1990 than it would today. Hence my thinking it was crazier to spend that much that long ago, as it bought far more luxury than what I see the same amount by now. The most recent wedding we went to was easily a 20-25k affair and it wasn't overly luxurious. What it did include was a lot people, as having extended family and friends was very important to the families involved.

[MedicMom]

Math, math, math... If a couple has eight daughters, how much must the husband earn? LOL, conversations like this one give me heart palpitations. :) (And ensure I don't raise children who feel entitled.) ;)

Actually, my parents have 8 daughters, spread out over seventeen years. Their wedding solution has simply been to offer X amount of money(around $5000, I think, I was married seven years ago and paid for most of it myself; my sisters mostly made due with what they were given) and if the bride and groom have paid for the rest. It's worked out fairly well.

[FaithManor]

Interesting, some have indicated that prices include the honeymoon. Hmmm....I have never personally coordinated a wedding for a couple whose parents were contributing in anyway to the trip. They either had the money themselves or they didn't have a honeymoon. Interesting.

[luuknam]

Interesting, some have indicated that prices include the honeymoon. Hmmm....I have never personally coordinated a wedding for a couple whose parents were contributing in anyway to the trip. They either had the money themselves or they didn't have a honeymoon. Interesting.

 

My in-laws paid for 2 nights in a hotel in the city we got married in (San Antonio) - in-laws lived in Corpus Christi. I wouldn't have thought to include honeymoon in wedding expenses - it's a separate category all on it's own, since it's for the couple, rather than for the guests (weddings, imo, are as much or more about the guests than about the couple - gah, I sort of felt like an actor in a movie during my wedding, just playing a role to entertain).

[FaithManor]

My in-laws paid for 2 nights in a hotel in the city we got married in (San Antonio) - in-laws lived in Corpus Christi. I wouldn't have thought to include honeymoon in wedding expenses - it's a separate category all on it's own, since it's for the couple, rather than for the guests (weddings, imo, are as much or more about the guests than about the couple - gah, I sort of felt like an actor in a movie during my wedding, just playing a role to entertain).

I get that! When I was getting dressed on the day, I thought to myself that I was nothing more than a trained circus monkey dressed up to entertain my parents huge church congregation of total strangers to us.

[QueenCat]

Interesting, some have indicated that prices include the honeymoon. Hmmm....I have never personally coordinated a wedding for a couple whose parents were contributing in anyway to the trip. They either had the money themselves or they didn't have a honeymoon. Interesting.

 

As the mother to the groom, I expect to contribute to the honeymoon. Not pay for it all. Just something done in our family.

[Haiku]

I don't expect parents to pay for their kids' weddings. My dh and I planned and paid for our own. It costs us less than $4000.

 

We will probably give our kids some money for their weddings, but we won't "pay for" them.