Feeling 'off' about child's friend

[ErinE]

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Edited November 8, 2016 by ErinE

[clementine]

How old is your child and this friend?  That will make a difference on how to handle it, IMO.  

 

But first, I always say 'go with your gut' - there is a reason you're feeling this way.  

[TX Native]

How old are the children? I don't have answers, but if I did it would vary depending on age.

[Ottakee]

I agree with monitoring them. Could be friend needs a lot of guidance and doesn't realize that some things are right or normal.

[ErinE]

Edited post to add ages

Edited April 15, 2016 by ErinE

[Ravin]

I would probably just keep things to only your house for now, because of that feeling.

 

However, around that age is when we transitioned from me managing DD's interactions with peers as the default, to her doing so and talking to me if she was troubled by something. However, I know that if a friend does something to hurt my DD, or something in the friend's life troubles her, my DD will come talk to me about it, or at least send me a text message about it. If my kid's personality was different, I would be inclined to be more vigilant still. 

[Janeway]

As long as you are sure it is not a special needs, such as ASD that is making him come off as "off" then I would keep him at an arms length.

 

This is all I have. I will read others advice.

[clementine]

Yep, at those ages I would keep them at your house & within earshot.  

 

Without making it obvious to your child that you are talking about someone specific, I'd make it clear that if a friend ever does anything hurtful, inappropriate, or just plain bad, that they should always let you know.  Tell your child that he/she won't be in trouble for telling & you'd be proud of them for knowing right from wrong.  

 

 

Edited April 15, 2016 by clementine

[Guest]

"I want to get to know Annie better so for now, you guys will play here while I am around."

[Alessandra]

I remember reading a book by a well known author whose name I can't remember -- he has written about stalking, protecting kids, etc.

 

In the beginning of one book, he talks about gut feelings and how they are frequently based on a series of small, factual observations that we know, but don't put into a rational framework. The example he gives is of a woman who felt something was off about a man in her building who offered to help her with groceries. Later on, she recognized that she had not heard his key in the building door lock -- so he must have already been in the lobby, hiding.

 

So that is a long way of saying to trust your instinct, especially since your instincts have proved true before. Better to cut off a friendship for 'no reason,' than to find your kid has been molested. Btw, you do not sound like someone who overreacts.

 

ETA

 

Found book -- Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear. You can read the beginning on Amazon.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Alessandra

[ktgrok]

"I'm not comfortable with the way things are done at so and so's home, so I'd prefer you play here."

[zoobie]

I would talk to your children about that inner voice feeling. I have with mine. 

[bettyandbob]

Dd had a friend I found difficult. I never had her over our house and thankfully dd was not invited to her house. No one was inted to the girl's house actually. They played at the pool and park. Sometimes I let dd stay longer at the pool to play. I knew the girl really didn't have other friends.

 

I didn't have her at my house because I didn't want more of a relationship.

 

Dd started public school in middle school. She saw the girl in seventh grade, but just to say hi in the hall. The girl moved the next year.

[gardenmom5]

My child has a friend that I don't feel 'right' about. I can't pinpoint the reason for the feeling, but it's strong whenever I talk to the friend. I am worried that I'm allowing the friend's difficult home life to influence my feelings. The friend has undergone a lot of turmoil in the past few years.

 

In the past, I've had sirens going off about a few adults and those feelings ultimately turned out to be correct.

 

I've also had discomfort about a child's friend before. I don't feel this way for almost all children. It's just a few that I've been immediately wary of, but those turned out to be correct. One friend, old enough to know better, deliberately hurt my one year old as I was watching, and another ended up being verbally abusive towards my child.

 

How do I go about explaining this to my child? Right now, I'm mean because I'm not allowing my child to go over the the friend's home, and the friend's visits are supervised at our house. Is there more I can say beyond, "I've got a bad feeling"?

 

ETA: The children are 10 and 11.

 

ah yes.  the premise of gavin de becker's the gift of fear. we ignore our guts when we have concerns about something or someone becasue to go with the uncomfortable gut would be considered impolite.

 

your gut has a history of being correct.  listen to your gut.

 

at 10 & 11, I would explain to them that nature (or God is you're religious) gave us a 'gut' instinct to help and protect us. it is important that we learn to listen to it. the more we listen, the easier  it is to hear.   we don't always get an explanation - even after the fact.   they're still on the young side to really be able to hear it, but you're experienced.   I would end the contact altogether, and find other things for them to do.  and who knows - they might tell you they felt uncomfortable but were afraid to say anything.

 

 

eta: there was a guy in high school that my gut didn't like, but I was seriously taught to ignore the gut.  and a friend's mom would always say " he's such a nice boy". . . . . . he wasn't.  I regret not listening to my gut in the first place - but  it would have been considered rude.   many times I've lived to regret not listening to the gut.

someone can be "off" and not set off alarms. 

I met the new husband of an acquaintance, and somehow ended up on the subject of sheep.  the fuzzy kind that eat grass . . . . pretty innocuous conversation.  I had an absolute feeling come over me he was trying to con me.  I knew very very little about this man, there was NOTHING in the conversation that would lead me to think he was a con artist.   . . . six weeks later I learned he had been arrested for fraud.  he was sentenced to three years in prison.  (the poor wife was devastated as she had no clue, and was a nice person.  I dont' know if her gut said anything or not, but I did learn her brother's gut was positively screeching before they married, but he couldn't get her to end it.)

Edited April 15, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Miss Tick]

For my kids I would be upfront about my feelings and include discussion that it is often good to pay attention to those feelings. I would include that if, as I get to know the child better my feelings change, then my restrictions would obviously change also. At that age I might also explicitly state that these are private feelings I'm sharing and not to be broadcast to the wider world. YMMV

[ErinE]

For my kids I would be upfront about my feelings and include discussion that it is often good to pay attention to those feelings. I would include that if, as I get to know the child better my feelings change, then my restrictions would obviously change also. At that age I might also explicitly state that these are private feelings I'm sharing and not to be broadcast to the wider world. YMMV

 

That is my concern with my child. If I share these feelings, my child tells the friend, "My mom doesn't like you," which isn't the case. I'm just wary.

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 18, 2016 by _kathy_

[sassenach]

You have a lot of control over how much time they get together. I would just start spacing out their visits more and more. I would not say anything to my child about it. My kids have loose lips, plus it's not their job to manage or process my feelings. Sometimes parents just need to steer the ship.

[ErinE]

My child has also talked about how similar the friend is to my child, which isn't obvious to me from the little I know. The child has mentioned that time with this friend is crowding out time with other friends. I worry about the deliberate isolation from others.

[Rebel Yell]

Trust your gut. 

 

Diamond (age 20) has what we call "Spidey Senses" and will occasionally get a bad feeling about someone- even just from passing them on a stairwell! She has NEVER been wrong, even though some people have taken several YEARS to reveal that she was correct.

 

ANd the majority of our deepest hurts have come from being 'polite' in situations or to people that we did not have a good feeling about.

 

As for how to talk to your children, I would try (since they're young) explaining that sometimes Mommies/Adults have feeling or know things but can't fully explain it. For their protection and your peace of mind, you want/need to monitor interactions. Explain that monitoring is your way of getting to know the person better, and if they don't play when/where you can be around then they won't be able to play at all.

[SKL]

I think I would sit my kid down at a non-emotional time and ask my kid what s/he thinks of that child.  If you have a bad feeling, chances are your child has also picked up on something.

 

After clearing the air, I'd say, that is why your visits with that child need to be supervised by me, at least until you are both older.

[Harriet Vane]

I would not talk to your child about having negative feelings about this child. Kids have loose lips, and ugly statements will work their way back to that child and that family, based on no observable evidence. I absolutely believe in gut feelings, but I would not air "gut feelings" publicly or in a way that might find its way to hurting someone. It's worth being extra careful about.

 

It's okay to be the bad guy. You don't have to explain everything. I like what another poster said: ""I want to get to know Annie better so for now, you guys will play here while I am around."

 

You can talk about gut feelings at other times, NOT in connection to this specific child or family. Gavin de Becker's book is excellent. 

 

And keep in mind that your gut may simply be sensing developmental delays, trauma, or special needs of some sort. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

You might be better off ending their friendship at this point.  I know that probably sounds harsh, but how long are you going to tip toe around the situation?  The longer you wait the more difficult this might be on your kid and the other kid.

 

I was in a similar situation.  That is what I did.  In part I distracted my kid and kept him busy.  He does once in awhile ask about the other kid.  I distract some more.  I've mentioned a few of my thoughts, but I did not get into heavy detail.

 

(But to add there is more to this situation than that.  I just don't want to post that information here because I don't know for sure who reads this.) 

[Reefgazer]

My mom forbade my siblings and I to hang out with a teenaged neighborhood boy and would always say she "just didn't like that kid". It infuriated me. Said person is now on a sex offender registry list. Listen to your gut.

[Mergath]

Listen to your gut, but also keep in mind that gut feelings aren't infallible. I've had a bad feeling about a person before, only to eventually realize that they reminded me of someone else from years ago who was a jerk to me. And like others have said, that "off" feeling can sometimes be because the child has developmental disabilities. We all have a hundred underlying prejudices that we're not consciously aware of. It's the natural product of years of human interaction. 

 

So keep an eye on things, but definitely don't say anything. I can only imagine how destructive it would be for a child to hear from a friend, "I can't play with you anymore because my mom has a gut feeling that you're a bad person, even though you haven't done anything wrong." That's the kind of thing that can mess a kid up for life. :( 

[katilac]

That is my concern with my child. If I share these feelings, my child tells the friend, "My mom doesn't like you," which isn't the case. I'm just wary.

 

Then it's time to roll out the old standbys:

 

Because I'm the mom and I say so, that's why. 

 

If you don't like it, we can skip the playdate and clean the house instead. 

[Guest]

We recently dealt with a similar situation. The few times in my life that I did not listen to my gut, I regretted it. Go with your gut!

[TranquilMind]

I remember reading a book by a well known author whose name I can't remember -- he has written about stalking, protecting kids, etc.

 

In the beginning of one book, he talks about gut feelings and how they are frequently based on a series of small, factual observations that we know, but don't put into a rational framework. The example he gives is of a woman who felt something was off about a man in her building who offered to help her with groceries. Later on, she recognized that she had not heard his key in the building door lock -- so he must have already been in the lobby, hiding.

 

So that is a long way of saying to trust your instinct, especially since your instincts have proved true before. Better to cut off a friendship for 'no reason,' than to find your kid has been molested. Btw, you do not sound like someone who overreacts.

 

ETA

 

Found book -- Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear. You can read the beginning on Amazon.

I am a big proponent of listening to your gut.  If you think something is not right, it isn't right. 

[Haiku]

Is there more I can say beyond, "I've got a bad feeling"?

 

Personally, I would never say this to a child who is 10 or 11. It's vague and could set up a child for needless worry. I honestly wouldn't really even discuss it with my child. I would probably say something along the lines of, "Friend is welcome to visit us in our home. I hope she/he feels comfortable doing so." 

 

My older sister had a friend whose home life was unfortunate, to say the least. She was always welcome in our home. My sister was not allowed to visit her home, but this was not a big deal and my parents never made negative comments about the girl. They just said that she was always welcome in our home and treated her with great kindness when she visited. The girls were around 12-13. It was only when I was a teen myself that I learned the rest of the story.

 

My dd had a friend whose home she was not allowed to visit. The girl and her siblings were completely unsupervised, and the father, who was supposed to bring my dd home one night, went out on a date instead and left my dd stranded at their home. We imposed the "friend can visit here" rule. We did discuss it more deeply with my dd, but she was 16 or so at the time. We had concrete concerns that we could share, not just a "bad feeling."

 

Kids in bad situations need stable adults who treat them with kindness, and they don't need their young friends to be suspicious of them. I would minimize any discussion about this with your kids and just let them know that friend can visit your home and that's the way it is.

[ErinE]

My dd had a friend whose home she was not allowed to visit. The girl and her siblings were completely unsupervised, and the father, who was supposed to bring my dd home one night, went out on a date instead and left my dd stranded at their home. We imposed the "friend can visit here" rule. We did discuss it more deeply with my dd, but she was 16 or so at the time. We had concrete concerns that we could share, not just a "bad feeling."

 

Kids in bad situations need stable adults who treat them with kindness, and they don't need their young friends to be suspicious of them. I would minimize any discussion about this with your kids and just let them know that friend can visit your home and that's the way it is.

i have concrete reasons for banning my child from the friend's home. The friend has shared information that I haven't disclosed here. The reasons aren't something my child understands right now, mainly because my child hasn't been exposed to unsafe home environments, something that I was made aware of at a much younger age (I know that no home is truly safe, but there are 'red flag' elements in the friend's home).

 

I appreciate the advice from everyone. Likely, I will encourage my child to reach out to more friends (the social isolation was particularly concerning) and make my home welcome to the friend so I can continue to supervise. I had debated sharing my feelings with my child, mainly because we are open about our thought process as a family, but I will hold off.

Edited April 17, 2016 by ErinE