Fuming over ridiculous In-Laws

[medawyn]

Watching basketball this afternoon made me think of this thread. Guess the OPs in laws will be able to make it to the party after all!

[zoobie]

Watching basketball this afternoon made me think of this thread. Guess the OPs in laws will be able to make it to the party after all!

And they might relocate their daughter's!

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Watching basketball this afternoon made me think of this thread. Guess the OPs in laws will be able to make it to the party after all!

 

I ugly laughed. :)

[thessa516]

off topic:

 

 

I have never been there, but know it exists. Not very far away.

 

We don't get to go to Waldo's very often. It's Pizza Shuttle only for my DH. *sigh* It's okay, but every time he wants pizza we are driving to Lawrence... lol! I'm convinced he likes it for nostalgic reasons and not really for the taste.

 

On topic (sort of!):

 

RCJH!

[importswim]

HOPE_Academy, on 18 Mar 2016 - 4:17 PM, said:

Watching basketball this afternoon made me think of this thread. Guess the OPs in laws will be able to make it to the party after all!

First thing that came to my  mind too!!!

[heartlikealion]

I gotta finish watching the episode of Blackish about basketball. The narration by the daughter made me think of this thread and laugh.

[snowbeltmom]

 

Sigh....

 

I have news for Lions fans. They stink. They have pretty much always stunk. They will continue to stink. They are the Titanic of football teams. Don't go down with the ship. Join us in the life boats, find another team, and be happy. :D  ;)

 

Just make sure the other team they find is not the Browns.  That will guarantee them a lifetime of misery.

 

[Slojo]

I agree with ananemone. Different families have different family cultures. I don't think it's necessary to require attendance for a birthday party for a one year old who isn't going to remember the event. And I don't think it's necessary to condemn the parenting of a family that has a much stronger sports culture.

 

Give the invitation and accept those who come and don't condemn those who don't. Accept their invitation if you want to go or just send birthday wishes.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I didn't see the OP "requiring" attendance to a one-year old party. She invited, then got some weird request "oh, could you change the time so we can watch a sporting event on TV" -- not, we're playing in said sporting event, or our son is playing, or we're traveling back from said sporting event and could make it if the party was pushed back a bit, or I'm having surgery, my own wedding, confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court, etc... or any other "couldn't be missed for the world" type reason why it would be remotely appropriate to ask someone to consider moving the time or the date. March Madness is exciting, but hardly in the "can't be missed" category of life. Neither is a one-year old birthday party (except perhaps for the parents) --- and agreed, the party is for the parents, but showing THEM some courtesy and support is still allowed, right? 

 

Might the SIL have maybe considered the feelings of the OP, and either said, "We have other plans" without the "could you change it" message OR maybe, miss the game - the horrors - if her showing up really meant something to the OP. The "sounds like this is really important to you" sentiments work both ways. I didn't hear the OP getting offended that not everyone could come, I think the offense was in the "can you change this around for so I can watch the game..." 

 

She invited family which is a reasonable thing to do -- the family member could have easily said, "we can't make it" and chosen to prioritize the game or "we'll be late" or "we're figuring out a complexity in our schedule, let me get back to you... you say, the party will last until what time? We'll work to make it to the last half"... if she was really trying to show up for both and not hurt feelings.   

 

DVRing sporting events is not a lot of fun and often leads to spoilers.

 

And I'm sorry, a tv in a background at a 1 year old's party doesn't ruin the day.

 

In YOUR HOUSE. But if the OP doesn't want the TV on in her house, she's within her rights - IN HER HOUSE.

 

Having passions in one's life is a good thing. Passions do get to take priority sometimes. And while I'm not into March Madness, I grew up in NC, so I get it. I don't judge that it's worse than money or time I've spent on travel, books, art supplies, etc. And I think it's good to sometimes ditch some commitments for your passions. A first birthday isn't a huge deal in every family.

Absolutely -- and, don't get me wrong, missing a one-year old's birthday party doesn't need to be a big deal. But if I had a friend or family member whose passions often meant that they didn't show up for stuff, I'd feel hurt, and probably would be less inclined to put as much effort back into the relationship. That's life. I once had an opportunity for a friend of mine to see my firstborn when he was 3 months old -- it was important to me that she meet him (even though THE BABY wasn't going to remember it - I WAS!). I was flying into Boston for a meeting in which I could take my child with me, and had a few hour window before preparing for the next day meeting myself. Turned out my plane was late by 90 minutes and I got into the airport at 8pm and not 6:30pm. She was going to meet me at the airport, take me to the hotel, stay a short time and get on her way. Long story short, this individual likes the routine of going to bed at a set time each evening -- which is fine. But, YES, I was a little hurt that she couldn't bend her schedule just a bit for a "once-every-five-years" opportunity to see us (my deal) -- I was never going to get back to Boston any time soon. This was especially the case because I know that she has stayed up for other things (like we all have) that seem important to her, but at the time, it felt like meeting my new child wasn't in the "important enough" category. It was what it was, but, when she moved to New York (a place I go about once a year), I wasn't as inclined to go out of my way to make sure I saw her (I put her in the "if it's convenient for me" category since that seemed to be just fine for her). One time she found out I was in NY and hadn't called her, so I know she has some sensitivity around going out of the way to see someone, something that she couldn't seem to extend to me a couple years earlier. 

 

At any rate, my point is, seems like there's some room for the SIL to have considered how important the party was to the OP, and have handled it differently. 

It was rude to ask you to change the date of the party you are hosting. But it is equally rude of you to judge their decision to have a party for their child at a sports bar.

It seems it would only be rude if the OP expressed this judgment to the SIL or made a big stink out of going/not going based on the venue. That seems like the equivalent. What we think in our own private thoughts about others' decisions doesn't have to be of consequence -- there have been plenty of parties/events I've been invited to that I've thought, "well, not really my cup of tea" or "I wouldn't do it that way" or "seems like they weren't thinking with their kid in mind" -- we've all been to parties, weddings, etc... like that. It's all judgment -- it's when the judgment gets in the way of responding appropriately and kindly to the invitations given that the rudeness/problem arises. 

 

Whose fault is that, really? One event ruined your relationship forever? I think is an issue with your ILs. I had siblings not come to my wedding. Not a big deal. I still love my siblings.

 

ETA: My wedding was on a Vikings/Packers game night. I'm married a Minnesotan in MN. We watched a football game that night :) I don't even like football. I find it really funny instead of being bent out of shape.

 

Kelly

Doesn't seem like it's one event. Seems connected to a pattern of slights/making some things a priority over building a relationship.  But, heck yeah, there are a few events that would negatively affect my relationship with family or friends if their reason for not going was a flipping game on TV. A one year old birthday party wouldn't be one of them, but, really -- you're not going to go to my wedding, my kid's wedding (I mean close friends/family), the funeral of someone close to me, accompany me to my surgery so you can watch the game (that in the modern era can be recorded/replayed/simulcast in Dolby Surround Sound ;-)? Yeah, I might feel some kinda of way about that! If you are MY sibling or close friend, you better take your iPhone and "pretend" to have to go to the bathroom (and NOT DURING THE CEREMONY) a lot to catch the highlights on my big day (I get 1 - 3 big days in my life - yeah, I can bother you to shift your life for it, as I will do the same for you)! But that's me (and my crew -- they know better than to roll up on me with some crap about a game on the handful of times in life I ask them to really show up). 

 

Now if you have your own wedding, funeral, surgery, etc... that conflicts -- that's life, but otherwise, yeah, you're sending the message that the sports game is more important than me (and I'll note that in the future). Relationships are about showing up for the small things AND the big things in life. It's not about a single event. And if there are a string of "small things" you'd prefer not to show up for, then I probably wouldn't think to include you in the big things (which may be fine/mutual). 

Or the message could be, "The world does not revolve around you."  For the majority of children with otherwise healthy attachments, that's not an altogether bad thing.

Sure - but neither should the child get the message that "just about anything is more important than you" either. And while a few birthday parties can be missed, this particular child's birthday is ALWAYS going to fall around March Madness. Maybe, just maybe, it will one day be important to the child that this aunt show up on her actual birthday -- and maybe it won't. Having family show up on your special day isn't a "world revolving around you" thing, far less so than asking folks to move the timing of an event so that YOU can watch a game (that seems far more "world-revolving" than the reverse, an event time that would not only have to be changed for the one person, but for every other person who was planning to attend). If the time/date was already set, it is far easier for the SIL to accommodate than for the OP to have to reach back out to everyone else to see if the new time/date worked for them.

 

We changed our wedding date to accommodate family. I wanted to be married the same day as my parents and maternal grandparents, but that would have been inconvenient for some of my siblings so we chose a date one week later. I've never regretted that.

 

One of my siblings chose a wedding date that was extremely inconvenient for me and I ended up not attending. That was OK too.

Extremely inconvenient is understandable (I just had a baby; I have an unmovable work conference that weekend, my aunt's 100th birthday is ALSO that weekend, we planned a trip to Europe, 3 years in the making) -- but, I'm sorry, a March Madness game that one is watching ON TVs/devices that have little recordy-thingies does not count as extreme inconvenience. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

 

 

In YOUR HOUSE. But if the OP doesn't want the TV on in her house, she's within her rights - IN HER HOUSE.

 

Not wanting /= background TV ruining a party for a 1-year old.

[heartlikealion]

Not wanting /= background TV ruining a party for a 1-year old.

 

Ruining is completely subjective. Ugh. Just let people say something was ruined if they want. Maybe someone said their birthday was ruined by the kid that sneezed on their cake. Maybe a girl going to prom said her day was ruined when she stepped in a mud puddle. Let them call it like it is [to them]. It probably would ruin my day if I had to deal with people I can't stand and their obnoxious TV viewing. Ruin might not be my go-to word but sure, if it fits. Not your opinion? Fine. But it might be someone else's.

 

 

 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

nm 

 

Edited March 19, 2016 by ChocolateReignRemix
Knock off the snark.

[heartlikealion]

nm 

 

Edited March 19, 2016 by Susan Wise Bauer
Don't escalate, please.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

nm 

 

[heartlikealion]

nm 

 

[creekland]

I think the offense was in the "can you change this around for so I can watch the game..."  

 

I believe what a bunch of us are saying is that this is not offensive when within family.  We totally get the feelings some folks have for major sports events, and since the event can't change, perhaps the party could?

 

I still think what has happened is a clash in cultures.  The OP fits in with the "How could you ask that???" culture and the OPs in-laws fit in with those of us who see such a question as perfectly normal and expected rather than just an excuse for not coming.

 

I go further and think the vast majority of their problems can probably be linked to the clash in cultures - each knowing the other is wrong.   :tongue_smilie:

[Slojo]

I believe what a bunch of us are saying is that this is not offensive when within family.  We totally get the feelings some folks have for major sports events, and since the event can't change, perhaps the party could?

 

I still think what has happened is a clash in cultures.  The OP fits in with the "How could you ask that???" culture and the OPs in-laws fit in with those of us who see such a question as perfectly normal and expected rather than just an excuse for not coming.

 

I go further and think the vast majority of their problems can probably be linked to the clash in cultures - each knowing the other is wrong.   :tongue_smilie:

 

Sure, I get that. My MIL and I clash from time to time, and I definitely think it's cultural (family-culture, though probably ethnic culture as well). AND, I'm a firm believer in the "in your house" rule. Any clash that happens on my MIL's turf, I defer to her (unless it's endangering me or my child -- and our clashes have never been about that, thank goodness). In MY HOUSE? Let me be queen of my own (modest) castle. My rule doesn't reach that far, let me be queen of this 1800 square feet, okay? In your house, about something you feel strongly about, as you wish, ma'am.

 

To me, that doesn't seem that hard to understand. Now, of course, if the SIL didn't know or had reasonable reason not to know that the OP would prefer no TV (in HER house), hopefully the OP just graciously stated her preference and moved on even if she did think it was rude (which she may have - I think her vent was to what she thought was a safe crowd to work her feelings and thoughts out with). If SIL keeps asking year after year, that's rude.

 

The relationship works both ways, and when in doubt or of differing opinions, defer to the person whose house/event/honor/crisis, it is -- go flipping bonkers about March Madness in your house, and I'll root right along with you when visiting your house. But for this event, if you can spare a TV-free hour (it's an infant's birthday party, show up for a polite hour and catch the second half) it would mean a lot to me. If you can't, that's fine, but I may take the appropriate signal that you're not interested in connecting in this way to the family and just not invite you next year. It's not like either the birthday or March Madness is going to change, so we may end up with this particular conflict year after year. No one enjoys inviting folks who just aren't going to come year after year. And it really can be okay - see you on Thanksgiving. 

[gardenmom5]

I believe what a bunch of us are saying is that this is not offensive when within family.  

 

what I'm seeing is a bunch of people who don't have a problem with asking a host to change the date/time for a TELEVISED sporting event in  which their only interest is as a spectator (march madness is 63 games) telling those who do have a problem with it - that *they* are the ones with "the attitude problem".

 

OP finds it rude.  other's of us find it rude. you don't know if there are people in your family who find it rude - they may simply not have said anything.  

 

we have the right to not want the TV on in the background IN OUR OWN HOME, or other event which we are hosting.

[Jean in Newcastle]

To me, it's a difference in outlook in how we view interactions with people.  I'm only in control of myself - my own emotions, my own reactions, my own behavior.  So I make invitations but am not put out when others make their own decisions regarding those invitations.  I set boundaries when necessary and don't get too bothered about other people's reactions to those boundaries.  I actually did have a BIL who made a stink about turning on the t.v once at our house.  I just smiled, said "I'd prefer to leave the  tv off so that I can focus on talking and games" and didn't really sweat it.  I've noticed that his wife now hosts all the family gatherings at their house where they have a t.v in one room.  Most of us go in the other room where we don't have to compete with it.  No inner turmoil about it or hard feelings. 

[creekland]

what I'm seeing is a bunch of people who don't have a problem with asking a host to change the date/time for a TELEVISED sporting event in  which their only interest is as a spectator (march madness is 63 games) telling those who do have a problem with it - that *they* are the ones with "the attitude problem".

 

OP finds it rude.  other's of us find it rude. you don't know if there are people in your family who find it rude - they may simply not have said anything.  

 

we have the right to not want the TV on in the background IN OUR OWN HOME, or other event which we are hosting.

 

Of course!  You're right and those of us who have lived our life otherwise are completely wrong, because naturally there can only be ONE right way to live.   :banghead:

 

It'll be while before this old dog can switch to that new idea though.  I still think there are multiple right ways one can choose and the only major issue in the OP's situation is two different cultures clashing with neither one understanding the other.  Both are probably offended since their way is THE right way to think about it all.

 

I'm pretty positive there are none in my family who would consider asking anything about a get together to be rude.  We've all done it at one point or another.  Whether that request is granted or not is a completely different issue, but asking is not rude in my family and this old dog honestly doesn't plan on changing to start getting offended at petty things.  It's not my style.

 

We're probably living incorrectly anyway since we never had "invite anyone" parties for one year olds... nor do I remember ever getting invited to one.  Our family culture definitely must have problems.

 

I agree with your last statement.  I also agree that it's fine if the OP didn't move the time of a party over a game.  

 

I just think it's a strange thing to fume about or to jump to the conclusion that in-laws are ridiculous simply because their culture differs.

 

Different cultures really are ok.  There's no need to start wars or even worry about who is right or wrong...

 

That's where I stand.

[Soror]

I wonder if the acceptance would stand for all sorts of events- like Comic Con, premieres of movies, author signings, chess championships? People get into all kinds of stuff. We're not sport people but we have other interests, I guess I could attribute it to my culture and ask to watch Dr. Who at the next get together. I'd not presume that someone else has the same interests and certainly not ask them to change the date of something that they've already planned(obviously if it mattered to them they would have scheduled around it). I'd also not ask to watch something on tv at someone else's house during a bday party- I'd assume if they wanted it on they would put it on. I'm generally not huge on etiquette rules but I'm trying to think of anything else people would be like- yes- go ahead and suggest to the host that they wanted different entertainment then what was already planned. I figure if I accidentally plan something during a game people can decide which they would rather attend(and the same for any other event). If people are really important to us then we will make time. (We don't even have cable so it wouldn't matter if they ask- as it is I see sports fans always checking their phones for updates during various events- I'd say that is how most deal with events during their games)

Edited March 19, 2016 by soror

[Audrey]

Yes, they did go to college there.  These people are so crazy about their sports.  One year they asked if we could watch their kids so they could go to the game.  We assumed if the game started at 1 they'd drop them off around 11 or 12.  Oh no.  They wanted to drop them off at 7 am so they could go tailgating all morning.  We made the mistake of doing that one year and have said no ever since.  

 

I get it, some people like sports.  But they have the TV on at every family gathering and the adults holler and scream at the game and completely ignore anything else.  It's so annoying.

 

These people attended OU or Texas A&M, didn't they?  Those are two most ridiculously insane and addicted fan groups I've ever encountered. 

 

Seriously.  Way more addicted than Habs fans even. And, those people are nuts.

 

ETA:  And, my response to their request is, "Well, bless your heart! I most certainly did NOT just hear you ask me to interrupt my child's birthday so you can watch a game on television, now did I?"  And if she pushed it past that, then I'd tell her where she could insert her own television.

Edited March 19, 2016 by Audrey

[Slojo]

To me, it's a difference in outlook in how we view interactions with people.  I'm only in control of myself - my own emotions, my own reactions, my own behavior.  So I make invitations but am not put out when others make their own decisions regarding those invitations.  I set boundaries when necessary and don't get too bothered about other people's reactions to those boundaries.  I actually did have a BIL who made a stink about turning on the t.v once at our house.  I just smiled, said "I'd prefer to leave the  tv off so that I can focus on talking and games" and didn't really sweat it.  I've noticed that his wife now hosts all the family gatherings at their house where they have a t.v in one room.  Most of us go in the other room where we don't have to compete with it.  No inner turmoil about it or hard feelings. 

We are absolutely in control over our own outlook, but I'm not made of Teflon. I do have feelings. It is possible to hurt them. The scenario you described wouldn't bother me a bit, but I'm not sure that the only acceptable outcome to conflict is to never have hard feelings about anything. If I have hard feelings, I have them. I don't have to wallow in them -- for my sake. As you said, I may have boundaries - including just not inviting you to anything that means anything to me (and it sounds like the birthday party did mean at least a little something to the OP). 

 

In the case of a general family gathering, it's fine if "Cousin So-and-so" always wants to host (so that things go her way, ahem), I'm not big on the clean up after parties anyway. I'm more than happy to bring my one dish, and go home to my clean house.

 

But wouldn't it be a little weird to also host my baby's birthday party, our anniversary party and a bat mitzvah at your house so that the TV can be on? (Although knowing me, I'd be fine with that -- she wants to bake the cake, hire the clown, and clean up after to her liking -- I mean I'll help, but...kids ripping through YOUR HOUSE? sounds great to me! How much do you charge? Where do I sign up?) 

 

Of course!  You're right and those of us who have lived our life otherwise are completely wrong, because naturally there can only be ONE right way to live.   :banghead:

 

It'll be while before this old dog can switch to that new idea though.  I still think there are multiple right ways one can choose and the only major issue in the OP's situation is two different cultures clashing with neither one understanding the other.  Both are probably offended since their way is THE right way to think about it all.

 

I'm pretty positive there are none in my family who would consider asking anything about a get together to be rude.  We've all done it at one point or another.  Whether that request is granted or not is a completely different issue, but asking is not rude in my family and this old dog honestly doesn't plan on changing to start getting offended at petty things.  It's not my style.

 

We're probably living incorrectly anyway since we never had "invite anyone" parties for one year olds... nor do I remember ever getting invited to one.  Our family culture definitely must have problems.

 

I agree with your last statement.  I also agree that it's fine if the OP didn't move the time of a party over a game.  

 

I just think it's a strange thing to fume about or to jump to the conclusion that in-laws are ridiculous simply because their culture differs.

 

Different cultures really are ok.  There's no need to start wars or even worry about who is right or wrong...

 

That's where I stand.

 

Different cultures are absolutely okay. AND, when families come together, one culture doesn't get to dominate over the other. Thus my "your house" reasoning. The IL thing can be tough - I am constantly reminded that I am "a daughter from another mother" when with the ILs. I do things differently -- but I always apply the "your house" rule in their home. Clearly not the entire family is into "sports culture" as would be demonstrated by the OP and her husband. So what do you do with that? Not count them as a legitimate part of the family culture? Even when the event is being hosted at their home?

 

As for one-year old birthdays: all of us have things are meaningful for us, that if people who know and love us are at all responsive to us as human beings, would respond with kindness and thoughtfulness (and, in this case, show up for the event I planned, not the one they would want or graciously decline without making me feel "it's silly to have one year old birthday parties"). For many folks, it is nice to have family come celebrate the anniversary of your child's birth, doesn't mean you think the world revolves around you, just nice to celebrate with a few people who care about your kid. My dear friend almost lost her baby and was rushed into surgery herself for extreme blood loss four years ago. It ended up being REALLY important to make the extra effort to be there for her baby's first birthday precisely because a year prior none of us knew if the baby was going to live (the child doesn't remember all of that, and doesn't remember being on the brink of dying. She is wonderfully oblivious to her difficult start in life, and now you'd never know it to look at her four years later). She was clearly touched that people came. Not that every 1 year old party has to be all that. Sometimes it's nice to know you have people in your life that will show up when you invite them over for your "small victories" and "inconsequential celebrations" - and, for me, especially if what's competing with that can be recorded on TV ;-). 

[gardenmom5]

Of course!  You're right and those of us who have lived our life otherwise are completely wrong, because naturally there can only be ONE right way to live.   :banghead:

 

It'll be while before this old dog can switch to that new idea though.  I still think there are multiple right ways one can choose and the only major issue in the OP's situation is two different cultures clashing with neither one understanding the other.  Both are probably offended since their way is THE right way to think about it all.

 

I'm pretty positive there are none in my family who would consider asking anything about a get together to be rude.  We've all done it at one point or another.  Whether that request is granted or not is a completely different issue, but asking is not rude in my family and this old dog honestly doesn't plan on changing to start getting offended at petty things.  It's not my style.

 

We're probably living incorrectly anyway since we never had "invite anyone" parties for one year olds... nor do I remember ever getting invited to one.  Our family culture definitely must have problems.

 

I agree with your last statement.  I also agree that it's fine if the OP didn't move the time of a party over a game.  

 

I just think it's a strange thing to fume about or to jump to the conclusion that in-laws are ridiculous simply because their culture differs.

 

Different cultures really are ok.  There's no need to start wars or even worry about who is right or wrong...

 

That's where I stand.

 

if  the OP had complained sil wouldn't come to her 'whatever' event, and the sil had said "sorry, can't make it, have previous plans". I'd agree, that sil has the right to attend or not, any event.  (including weddings and/or funerals. no one is obligated, though it's always wise to think about the impact upon relationships.)    but,

 

that's not what happened.  the sil wanted the host to change her plans to accommodate her.  (without even checking schedules first.  big eye roll.)  with the sil, the expectation other's will change their plans to accommodate her seems to be a regular occurrence.  (not a "one -off")  she is giving NO consideration/respect to the hostess' culture. THAT is what the rest of us are objecting to, but that is what apparently doesn't bother others.   (those who have told those of us objecting, that we have an attitude problem. - which is what I find disrespectful) 

 

the sil can do, or not, what she wants.   the OP can allow, or not, what she wants at an event she is hosting.  they're now the same family - don't you think the sil should at least attempt to make the same effort to show some respect for the OP that she expect the OP to grant her?    (that doesn't mean the sil has to come to a baby's first bd party, but that she should show some respect by not expecting HER entertainment choices to be accommodated when she's *only* a "guest".)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

We are absolutely in control over our own outlook, but I'm not made of Teflon. I do have feelings. It is possible to hurt them. The scenario you described wouldn't bother me a bit, but I'm not sure that the only acceptable outcome to conflict is to never have hard feelings about anything. If I have hard feelings, I have them. I don't have to wallow in them -- for my sake. As you said, I may have boundaries - including just not inviting you to anything that means anything to me (and it sounds like the birthday party did mean at least a little something to the OP). 

 

In the case of a general family gathering, it's fine if "Cousin So-and-so" always wants to host (so that things go her way, ahem), I'm not big on the clean up after parties anyway. I'm more than happy to bring my one dish, and go home to my clean house.

 

But wouldn't it be a little weird to also host my baby's birthday party, our anniversary party and a bat mitzvah at your house so that the TV can be on? (Although knowing me, I'd be fine with that -- she wants to bake the cake, hire the clown, and clean up after to her liking -- I mean I'll help, but...kids ripping through YOUR HOUSE? sounds great to me! How much do you charge? Where do I sign up?) 

 

 

 

The OP was about:

 

1.  Being upset at being asked a question about scheduling.  I sort of laugh as I remember how many times people have said on this board, "Well, it never hurts to ask".   I don't think it is wrong for the OP to refuse to consider rescheduling.  I just think that getting upset over things like that is going to lead to a lot of upsets in life.  That's my opinion and is what I teach my kids. 

 

2.  Past history with a different relative who I agree was completely in the wrong at not showing grace toward the OP's family regarding a different event.  My opinion is that it is appropriate and healthy to set boundaries over such behavior.

 

3.  Being upset at being asked if a t.v. could be on.  I agree that the host gets to decide whether a t.v. should be on during a party.  But I think that being asked, in and of itself, is not a huge offense.  They get to ask, you get to answer.  I don't see this as a big deal.

 

4.  The OP's judgmental attitude toward a relative's choice of venue for their daughter.  I guess as long as the OP doesn't try to sabotage their party, it isn't actually crossing a boundary.  But again, my opinion is that it leads to unnecessary upset to worry about what others do, even if they are family members.  Obviously if their actions hurt someone, then that's a different matter.  But despite other posters having some strong feelings about what a four year old might want, this really doesn't fit in that category. 

 

Sure, everyone can have their own emotions but there is a component of where we choose our emotions to some degree.  We can choose how we frame things mentally. 

[Slojo]

The OP was about:

 

1.  Being upset at being asked a question about scheduling.  I sort of laugh as I remember how many times people have said on this board, "Well, it never hurts to ask".   I don't think it is wrong for the OP to refuse to consider rescheduling.  I just think that getting upset over things like that is going to lead to a lot of upsets in life.  That's my opinion and is what I teach my kids. 

 

2.  Past history with a different relative who I agree was completely in the wrong at not showing grace toward the OP's family regarding a different event.  My opinion is that it is appropriate and healthy to set boundaries over such behavior.

 

3.  Being upset at being asked if a t.v. could be on.  I agree that the host gets to decide whether a t.v. should be on during a party.  But I think that being asked, in and of itself, is not a huge offense.  They get to ask, you get to answer.  I don't see this as a big deal.

 

4.  The OP's judgmental attitude toward a relative's choice of venue for their daughter.  I guess as long as the OP doesn't try to sabotage their party, it isn't actually crossing a boundary.  But again, my opinion is that it leads to unnecessary upset to worry about what others do, even if they are family members.  Obviously if their actions hurt someone, then that's a different matter.  But despite other posters having some strong feelings about what a four year old might want, this really doesn't fit in that category. 

 

Sure, everyone can have their own emotions but there is a component of where we choose our emotions to some degree.  We can choose how we frame things mentally. 

In general agreement - we choose our reactions (I wouldn't be a good helping professional if I didn't agree with this ;-). However, it seems a bit unfair to the OP to suggest she's so small-minded as to be upset about a five-word question. I guess I'm choosing to frame the OP's perspective as valuable in the context of her own party. I read it as "the pushing" as the disrespectful or rude behavior - first it was changing the date and time, then it was, can the TV be on... (maybe next it would be, "Well, I can sit outside in my car watching on my iphone..."). And all of this seems to be in a family context of disrespectful behavior and casting the OP's family as the difficult ones. I can have empathy for the OP having some sensitivity under such a dynamic. 

 

I could imagine a scenario in which, if this was the line of conversation I'm having with my SIL, I'd eventually just say, " Come or don't come, but stop trying to come up with various scenarios in which you can watch your game. Enjoy your game - it sounds super important to you! See you next Thanksgiving."

Edited March 19, 2016 by Slojo

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

I could imagine a scenario in which, if this was the line of conversation I'm having with my SIL, I'd eventually just say, " Come or don't come, but stop trying to come up with various scenarios in which you can watch your game. Enjoy your game - it sounds super important to you! See you next Thanksgiving."

I have no problem with that. 

[creekland]

Different cultures are absolutely okay. AND, when families come together, one culture doesn't get to dominate over the other.

 

...

 

Clearly not the entire family is into "sports culture" as would be demonstrated by the OP and her husband. So what do you do with that? Not count them as a legitimate part of the family culture? Even when the event is being hosted at their home? 

 

I agree Culture A shouldn't get to dominate over Culture B.  Marriage is supposed to be a mesh of two people coming together to go forward as one.  This is why I think both parties are at fault for not understanding each other - and giving grace to each other.  It's pretty clear they are different, but they're going on and attributing different to "wrong" and "gets me fuming" because they are "ridiculous."  (We read it on this side, but I bet it's identical on the other side.)

 

This happens often in life (and not always with asking for changes as the central topic).  I always find it sad.

 

What would I have done?  Probably told them to enjoy their game if it conflicted IF I couldn't change the time of the party and had no hard feelings whatsoever.  I'm not into basketball/football/baseball/hockey at all, but I have family members who are.  I understand their love of the "finals season" even if I don't share it.  I wouldn't want them to miss it.  It's important to them. My in-laws are into Nascar.  We know better than to expect much when a race is on.  It honestly doesn't get me fuming at all nor do they get fuming if I opt for my computer or a book rather than watching a race when we're with them.  I simply can't see sweating the small stuff.  Fortunately, neither can they.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

The OP was about:

 

1.  Being upset at being asked a question about scheduling.  I sort of laugh as I remember how many times people have said on this board, "Well, it never hurts to ask".   I don't think it is wrong for the OP to refuse to consider rescheduling.  I just think that getting upset over things like that is going to lead to a lot of upsets in life.  That's my opinion and is what I teach my kids. 

 

2.  Past history with a different relative who I agree was completely in the wrong at not showing grace toward the OP's family regarding a different event.  My opinion is that it is appropriate and healthy to set boundaries over such behavior.

 

3.  Being upset at being asked if a t.v. could be on.  I agree that the host gets to decide whether a t.v. should be on during a party.  But I think that being asked, in and of itself, is not a huge offense.  They get to ask, you get to answer.  I don't see this as a big deal.

 

4.  The OP's judgmental attitude toward a relative's choice of venue for their daughter.  I guess as long as the OP doesn't try to sabotage their party, it isn't actually crossing a boundary.  But again, my opinion is that it leads to unnecessary upset to worry about what others do, even if they are family members.  Obviously if their actions hurt someone, then that's a different matter.  But despite other posters having some strong feelings about what a four year old might want, this really doesn't fit in that category. 

 

Sure, everyone can have their own emotions but there is a component of where we choose our emotions to some degree.  We can choose how we frame things mentally. 

 

+1

 

[Cindy in FL.]

We ask the child who they would like to invite to their party (always including family). For a 1 year birthday it would be just family and the closest family friends. Then I call the people that I most want to have attend and say, "We are planning x's party on whatever day and time. Does that work for you?" If it doesn't (and I don't ask why or pass any judgement on the reason if given), then I get some days/times that do work. Then I just work out as best as possible, set the day and time, and move on. For us, having a party on your actual birthday is more the exception than the rule. But we always do a nuclear family dinner on the day at least.

 

Our parties are never just centered on the child. The kids play, the adults interact with them at various times, backyard games for anyone interested, people talk, sports are watched if there's a particular interest, etc. During certain times (a little speech by the parents about the birthday child, remarks by others, cake, presents) the tv is paused so that the game records so that everyone is involved in those activities.

 

Then the chaos resumes. We love it that way and our kids have never felt shortchanged.

 

Just my two cents.

Edited March 20, 2016 by Cindy in FL.

[Lady Florida.]

I will never understand why people say "we" about a team they are not on.

[Runningmom80]

All I have to say is thank god neither sides of our families are sports fans, because this all sounds like the pits.

[heartlikealion]

We ask the child who they would like to invite to their party (always including family). For a 1 year birthday it would be just family and the closest family friends. Then I call the people that I most want to have attend and say, "We are planning x's party on whatever day and time. Does that work for you?" If it doesn't (and I don't ask why or pass any judgement on the reason if given), then I get some days/times that do work. Then I just work out as best as possible, set the day and time, and move on. For us, having a party on your actual birthday is more the exception than the rule. But we always do a nuclear family dinner on the day at least.

 

This is pretty much how we do it.

[Meadowlark]

I didn't read all of the responses, but oh boy, I can totally relate! My SIL missed my wedding shower because my brother and her had tickets to a football game and they "never get a chance to be out by themselves". BS. I was so hurt. Then I got pregnant and guess what? They had tickets to see the SAME TEAM on the day of my baby shower. She ended up coming because of pressure from my mom, but only to sit in the back of the room pouting. 

 

My point is, people can be real a-holes. To this day, we have no relationship because of the selfish choices they made over a decade ago. It hurts still.  What I've come to realize is that no matter how outrageous the behavior is to you, to them, it's perfectly normal and nothing will change that. People are so different with such different values. My brother and I couldn't be more different and that's why we can't really coexist. Sad? Definitely. But I'm actually happier not being hurt by him all the time. Keep the people in your life that make you happy, to the others...well, let them go.

[creekland]

I didn't read all of the responses, but oh boy, I can totally relate! My SIL missed my wedding shower because my brother and her had tickets to a football game and they "never get a chance to be out by themselves". BS. I was so hurt. Then I got pregnant and guess what? They had tickets to see the SAME TEAM on the day of my baby shower. She ended up coming because of pressure from my mom, but only to sit in the back of the room pouting. 

 

My point is, people can be real a-holes. To this day, we have no relationship because of the selfish choices they made over a decade ago. It hurts still.  What I've come to realize is that no matter how outrageous the behavior is to you, to them, it's perfectly normal and nothing will change that. People are so different with such different values. My brother and I couldn't be more different and that's why we can't really coexist. Sad? Definitely. But I'm actually happier not being hurt by him all the time. Keep the people in your life that make you happy, to the others...well, let them go.

 

Wait a minute.  You're holding a grudge over attendance at wedding/bridal showers from a decade ago and you consider them sad?

 

I guess that's one way of looking at it.  It sure isn't one I can identify with.

 

It proves my point that life can really be sad when one culture simply can't accept another for what it is though - and how that can cause wars within families - or cultures.

 

I'm really, really glad that doesn't happen in my family.

[zoobie]

I didn't read all of the responses, but oh boy, I can totally relate! My SIL missed my wedding shower because my brother and her had tickets to a football game and they "never get a chance to be out by themselves". BS. I was so hurt. Then I got pregnant and guess what? They had tickets to see the SAME TEAM on the day of my baby shower. She ended up coming because of pressure from my mom, but only to sit in the back of the room pouting.

 

My point is, people can be real a-holes. To this day, we have no relationship because of the selfish choices they made over a decade ago. It hurts still. What I've come to realize is that no matter how outrageous the behavior is to you, to them, it's perfectly normal and nothing will change that. People are so different with such different values. My brother and I couldn't be more different and that's why we can't really coexist. Sad? Definitely. But I'm actually happier not being hurt by him all the time. Keep the people in your life that make you happy, to the others...well, let them go.

You don't have a relationship with them because of showers 10 years ago? I get OP because this behavior sounds like a pattern with her ILs of causing drama and strife over everything. Hopefully there's more to it with yours than simply declining an invite.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

You don't have a relationship with them because of showers 10 years ago? I get OP because this behavior sounds like a pattern with her ILs of causing drama and strife over everything. Hopefully there's more to it with yours than simply declining an invite.

 

In defense of the OP's ILs, she also refers to her SIL as a "dingbat" and judges them over where they hold parties.  I have a feeling the knife cuts both ways in that relationship.

[gardenmom5]

I didn't read all of the responses, but oh boy, I can totally relate! My SIL missed my wedding shower because my brother and her had tickets to a football game and they "never get a chance to be out by themselves". BS. I was so hurt. Then I got pregnant and guess what? They had tickets to see the SAME TEAM on the day of my baby shower. She ended up coming because of pressure from my mom, but only to sit in the back of the room pouting. 

 

My point is, people can be real a-holes. To this day, we have no relationship because of the selfish choices they made over a decade ago. It hurts still.  What I've come to realize is that no matter how outrageous the behavior is to you, to them, it's perfectly normal and nothing will change that. People are so different with such different values. My brother and I couldn't be more different and that's why we can't really coexist. Sad? Definitely. But I'm actually happier not being hurt by him all the time. Keep the people in your life that make you happy, to the others...well, let them go.

 

a piece of advice.  let go of the hurt and move on.

 

My grandmother could hold a grudge like no one else I knew.  she could stay angry for decades - had forgotten WHY she was angry, she just knew she was angry at _ person.  it was how she attempted to hold people in her debt.  the only people with whom that worked, were ones who cared about her opinion.  those were fewer and fewer who actually cared as the years went on. 

 

that doesn't mean you have to be 'best friends' - but short of them doing something actually destructive and dangerous - be civil and polite.  be the 'bigger' person if you have to be.  you will be a better person for it.

[Cindy in FL.]

Our motto is: raise your tolerance and lower your expectations.

 

It has helped us over the years to maintain relationships. No one is perfect, feelings get hurt, my way isn't always the only way, love overlooks a multitude of wrongs, etc. It would take an awful lot to make me sever a familial bond.

Edited March 20, 2016 by Cindy in FL.

[gardenmom5]

Our motto is: raise your tolerance and lower your expectations.

 

It has helped us over the years to maintain relationships. No one is perfect, feelings get hurt, my way isn't always the only way, love overlooks a multitude of wrongs, etc. It would take an awful lot to make me sever a familial bond.

I agree.

 

Sadly, there are times severing the relationship is the sane option. It should only be done after very careful consideration.

[OneStepAtATime]

Our motto is: raise your tolerance and lower your expectations.

 

It has helped us over the years to maintain relationships. No one is perfect, feelings get hurt, my way isn't always the only way, love overlooks a multitude of wrongs, etc. It would take an awful lot to make me sever a familial bond.

Oh, I like that a lot!  And it is something simple to remember.  Way cool.  

 

Mine is: I am part of the solution, not part of the problem.  

 

I don't always succeed but I do try to determine if my own views/approach/attitude is creating more of an issue than it is actually helping.  Love this, Cindy.  :)

[OneStepAtATime]

Trouble is, you can raise your tolerance and lower your expectations to a level that is unhealthy.

 

It's OK - normal even - to have some expectations around relationships, and to have things you don't tolerate.

Agreed. There is healthy tolerance and then there is failing to protect yourself from an unhealthy and damaging situation...

[BigMamaBird]

Well, we went to niece's party yesterday and . . . . just wow.

 

We were in this tiny little back room with three giant TVs, all playing different games.  They had a handful of balloons and coloring pages.  That was it.  BIL scolded the kids for playing with the balloons and got after them again for running around.  They were literally expected to just sit and color.  These are all kids under 10, a majority of them under 6.  

 

On the upside I had a nice visit with Dh's grandma but she left early.  

[Cindy in FL.]

Trouble is, you can raise your tolerance and lower your expectations to a level that is unhealthy.

 

It's OK - normal even - to have some expectations around relationships, and to have things you don't tolerate.

Of course I don't put up with just anything, that would be ridiculous. My intent is not to get upset about things that it's not harmful to let go.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[creekland]

Trouble is, you can raise your tolerance and lower your expectations to a level that is unhealthy.

 

It's OK - normal even - to have some expectations around relationships, and to have things you don't tolerate. 

 

Perhaps, but those things would have to be super major for me to 100% cut relations.

 

My dad has mental issues, wouldn't come to my graduation or wedding (since my mom was there), often didn't want to see me or the kids, will set times to see us, then cancel last minute, puts down nearly everyone, rehashes the same old stories over and over again, needs to pick up his hygiene, has a house that could be featured on Hoarders, drove off two wives, loved quizzing the boys when they were homeschooling, and I'm probably forgetting some things, but I still can't see cutting off our relationship.  He's my dad.  I have 50% of his genes.  My boys have 25%.

 

We just know "he's dad and that's the way he is" and let everything else flow accordingly.  His words/put downs mean next to nothing.  None of my boys have been scarred by knowing him.  They've learned that "these things happen and that's life."  I suspect it makes it much easier to put up with many little things they come across too.  I don't feel I've been scarred either. 

 

My in-laws are the most racist folks I know.  I tried changing them for years, but have admitted defeat.  My boys haven't been scarred by visiting them.  They've learned more about people/life and are some of the least racist folks out there.  On top of that, MIL has advanced Alzheimers now and my two younger boys were so incredibly good with her on their last visit - trying hard to make her life a little bit better for her - helping her with shoes/clothing, sitting and watching Benji with her, listening to her endless repetitive stories, helping her with food - all voluntarily on their part as no one would have said a thing if they went into another room and did their own thing.  For years she hated us since we didn't share her racism or denomination and I corrupted her son.   :tongue_smilie:

 

Once again, as a nuclear family we just knew (and taught) that this is us and that is them.  We're still family and we're still visiting.  We also enjoyed some good things we shared - like their cottage on a river and some values, etc.

 

Not cutting off relationships didn't hurt a single one of us.  I think we became better people because of it - esp my boys.

 

There's no way at all I wish I had done otherwise or taught them otherwise.

[8circles]

Perhaps, but those things would have to be super major for me to 100% cut relations.

 

My dad has mental issues, wouldn't come to my graduation or wedding (since my mom was there), often didn't want to see me or the kids, will set times to see us, then cancel last minute, puts down nearly everyone, rehashes the same old stories over and over again, needs to pick up his hygiene, has a house that could be featured on Hoarders, drove off two wives, loved quizzing the boys when they were homeschooling, and I'm probably forgetting some things, but I still can't see cutting off our relationship.  He's my dad.  I have 50% of his genes.  My boys have 25%.

 

We just know "he's dad and that's the way he is" and let everything else flow accordingly.  His words/put downs mean next to nothing.  None of my boys have been scarred by knowing him.  They've learned that "these things happen and that's life."  I suspect it makes it much easier to put up with many little things they come across too.  I don't feel I've been scarred either. 

 

My in-laws are the most racist folks I know.  I tried changing them for years, but have admitted defeat.  My boys haven't been scarred by visiting them.  They've learned more about people/life and are some of the least racist folks out there.  On top of that, MIL has advanced Alzheimers now and my two younger boys were so incredibly good with her on their last visit - trying hard to make her life a little bit better for her - helping her with shoes/clothing, sitting and watching Benji with her, listening to her endless repetitive stories, helping her with food - all voluntarily on their part as no one would have said a thing if they went into another room and did their own thing.  For years she hated us since we didn't share her racism or denomination and I corrupted her son.   :tongue_smilie:

 

Once again, as a nuclear family we just knew (and taught) that this is us and that is them.  We're still family and we're still visiting.  We also enjoyed some good things we shared - like their cottage on a river and some values, etc.

 

Not cutting off relationships didn't hurt a single one of us.  I think we became better people because of it - esp my boys.

 

There's no way at all I wish I had done otherwise or taught them otherwise.

 

How is what you're doing any different than what you are accusing the OP of doing - applying your standards/ your culture to someone else?

 

How in the world have we gotten to cutting people out of your life?  I don't think anyone has suggested to the OP that she cut contact over a birthday party.  You are making a lot of assumptions about people when they are simply commiserating with difficult family stories.

 

I'm glad that neither you nor your kids have been scarred by your racist, abusive parents on both sides.  Not everyone is like you.  

 

Your whole post sounds eerily like people advocating kids being in public school in order to learn how to deal with bullies.  

[SereneHome]

Oh, I like that a lot!  And it is something simple to remember.  Way cool.  

 

Mine is: I am part of the solution, not part of the problem.  

 

I don't always succeed but I do try to determine if my own views/approach/attitude is creating more of an issue than it is actually helping.  Love this, Cindy.   :)

 

I didn't read this thread at all, just clicked on this page accidentally and I LOVE LOVE LOVE both of those mottos.

 

I am making a note for sure!!!  Thank you, ladies

[heartlikealion]

Well, we went to niece's party yesterday and . . . . just wow.

 

We were in this tiny little back room with three giant TVs, all playing different games.  They had a handful of balloons and coloring pages.  That was it.  BIL scolded the kids for playing with the balloons and got after them again for running around.  They were literally expected to just sit and color.  These are all kids under 10, a majority of them under 6.  

 

On the upside I had a nice visit with Dh's grandma but she left early.  

 

Were the kids miserable, though? Did they get dessert or anything they liked off the menu? Hopefully there was something they enjoyed if coloring was not it. :)

[gardenmom5]

How is what you're doing any different than what you are accusing the OP of doing - applying your standards/ your culture to someone else?

 

How in the world have we gotten to cutting people out of your life?  I don't think anyone has suggested to the OP that she cut contact over a birthday party.  You are making a lot of assumptions about people when they are simply commiserating with difficult family stories.

 

I'm glad that neither you nor your kids have been scarred by your racist, abusive parents on both sides.  Not everyone is like you.  

 

Your whole post sounds eerily like people advocating kids being in public school in order to learn how to deal with bullies.  

 

it wasn't the OP to whom she was replying  about cutting someone  out.

 

and sometimes cutting someone out is the only *sane* option when that person is dangerous or destructive to your, or your children's lives. there can come a point where tolerance is a dangerous thing.

[creekland]

How is what you're doing any different than what you are accusing the OP of doing - applying your standards/ your culture to someone else?

 

How in the world have we gotten to cutting people out of your life?  I don't think anyone has suggested to the OP that she cut contact over a birthday party.  You are making a lot of assumptions about people when they are simply commiserating with difficult family stories.

 

I'm glad that neither you nor your kids have been scarred by your racist, abusive parents on both sides.  Not everyone is like you.  

 

Your whole post sounds eerily like people advocating kids being in public school in order to learn how to deal with bullies.  

 

Sorry.  I know it's morning, but you have me confused a bit.  I don't see where I'm applying my standards/culture to anyone else, nor was I replying to the OP as evidenced by my quote.

 

I was taking that quote (which is a rabbit trail, but that happens on message boards) and musing a bit based upon how my life has gone.

 

It's very tough for me to imagine a situation where I'd cut any family out of my life, and the only ones that come up are quite severe (physical abuse, etc).  I don't have as close of a relationship with my dad as I do with my mom, but I can't envision cutting him out of my life.  I can't imagine telling hubby we had to cut his folks out of our lives either.  What they do does nothing to ruin our lives.

 

YMMV

[Runningmom80]

Sorry. I know it's morning, but you have me confused a bit. I don't see where I'm applying my standards/culture to anyone else, nor was I replying to the OP as evidenced by my quote.

 

I was taking that quote (which is a rabbit trail, but that happens on message boards) and musing a bit based upon how my life has gone.

 

It's very tough for me to imagine a situation where I'd cut any family out of my life, and the only ones that come up are quite severe (physical abuse, etc). I don't have as close of a relationship with my dad as I do with my mom, but I can't envision cutting him out of my life. I can't imagine telling hubby we had to cut his folks out of our lives either. What they do does nothing to ruin our lives.

 

YMMV

Just an FYI, your posts come across as insensitive and condescending to those of us who have had to cut people out of our lives. I understand you can't imagine it, but I also can't imagine having my kids around abusive people just because they are my parents. I did have an extreme event, proceeded by years of abuse, and a supportive therapist, so I don't feel the need to justify my actions, or question them. Everyone's line is different, and I think we'd all do better to respect that.