A teen with anxiety and today's politics

[38carrots]

How important is for a just turned 14 year old to be well informed on what's happenned in Paris, Beirut; refugee crisis; refugee hatred / fear; terrorism; school shootings? Am I wrong not to over-focus on the negatives in the world? Saying "There was a bombing in Paris, lots of people died" vs. detailed discussions on the subject?

 

Am I right that if politics stress someone with anxiety out and lead to crying, it *is* better to remain "ignorant" at least at DDs age? Or ignorance is worse, and one should stay informed despite the rising anxiety?

 

How would you argue (as in having strong, convincing arguments) with someone who insists that remaining ignorant is the worst and one should be informed no matter what?

 

This is also compounded by the fact that DH has adopted a rather stress and fear inducing attitudes about refugees, to say the least. :confused1:

 

I talk to her about love and acceptance being more powerful (empowering, efficient, healthy) than fear and anger, DH talks to her about this being a willfully ignorant position and that "the world is changing for the worst and she will see it soon and we better have a healthy doze of fear."

 

:cursing:  :banghead: (I wanted to insert more of those, but apparently there's a healthy limit lol)

 

Calm me down, wise ladies, because I'm livid and I don't think I can stand DH at the moment. I can't even see straight. This is a recurrent issue but I thought I got through to him about DD's anxiety. But apparently not.

 

This is also not JAWM--I'm interested in hearing all kinds of opinions, as this often helps me not to be so angry at DH (said by someone who does believe that love and acceptance should win over anger :smilielol5: )

 

 

 

[Guest]

I wouldn't bother trying to convince your husband that you're right about the state of world affairs and the proper response adults ought to have  to them.

 

Rather, I'd keep chipping away at the parenting-the-child-in-front-of-you angle with him.

 

Ask him things like "How should we help DD gain the tools to deal with her anxiety?" If his answer is anything other than "scare her half to death," hear him out and go from there.

 

If he does think in constant fear is an acceptable way to live, well he needs to read up on mental health I guess.

[foxbridgeacademy]

It seems as if you and your husband have a fundamental difference in your worldview and your daughter is caught in the middle.  If I were to play "armchair psychologist" I might suggest that your husband is unknowingly taking his frustration (with you, the world, government) out on your daughter and trying to make a point to show you his POV is right.  Your DH may be feeling a lot of fear and your non-reactionary reaction isn't giving him the outlet he needs thus he's turning to your DD thinking by informing her he's helping.  She most definitely does not need to know the details of current Global Terrorism.  What I would do in your situation is offer a compromise. Tell DD the basics and let her ask for detail if she feels the need to know and she feels able to handle it.  My Dh and I are very similar and we tend to agree on most things but if we don't we try to come down on the side of caution and restraint.  My DD  hates this, she doesn't like her truth "wrapped with a bow" she wants it raw and honest, and as a teen she does need truth but I get to decide the level of intensity.  I would think the same would work for your own DD.

 

 

 

 

*Just so you know I am not the kind of person who shelters their kids, I let my 14 year old watch live feed from Kiev during the protests and such last year.  But my kid does not have an anxiety issue and the other one who does is not affected by outside issues. 

[Guest]

I understand this problem with a depth I cannot directly comment upon. :/

[Spy Car]

Listen to NPR, turn off FOX "News."

 

Bill

[AmandaVT]

I have anxiety and I can't watch news typically. I read instead, which makes it a bit easier to take in. 

 

I don't think a 14 yr old needs to be immersed in news, especially not the 24 hr news channels. I personally feel like they're all sensationalist and try to outdo each other with fear mongering. At most, the 30 min nightly news at 6:30 or whenever it's on in your area. CBC (Canadian) is great - we get some Canadian channels here and I'm always impressed with how much more rational they sound. Or maybe watching CNN student news or something.

 

As for your husband - can you ask him what good it will do to live in a state of constant fear? If the world really is all that bad and getting worse, will working yourself up into that state help anything? I don't think so. I think it's good to be informed as much as you can tolerate, but after that, more isn't better IMO.  

[nd293]

To contextualise my response, let me say that I'm all for addressing anxiety head-on, rather than hiding from the source of the anxiety. I'll also say that I grew up in a country with very level of violent crime, and, at time, the threat of terrorist attacks. I've been in direct line of sight of a bomb attack. My husband has been  carjacked and stabbed (he's fine!). Twelve years out of the country and I still lock the front door every time I enter the house (although - progress! - I don't lock the back door ALL the time anymore, and I never lock my car doors while driving it and I leave the car windows down when I stop at traffic lights). In short, I'm a recovering anxious person with a "Keep Calm and Carry On" attitude. I've also lived in a few countries, and travelled to "risky" countries, and will continue to travel internationally. I believe strongly in engaging with the world.

 

That said, my 15 year old daughter doesn't know all that much about what's going on. She's not as anxious as I am, and is bright enough to understand the issues. But what's happening in the world is NOT her life. Some of that is good luck, some of that is good planning, and I am grateful for that. It is really only now that I am consciously starting to mention in very general terms when some sort of global incident occurs. I read the news online, and we don't often have the TV on, so she is naturally shielded and I filter news. She doesn't need to see images of dead children to understand the refugee crisis.

 

How I've married the two attitudes - a gobal worldview and an insulated child-rearing approach - is to engage with the big issues. For instance, I've assigned, over the years, a number of children's / YA books set it Israel, Palestine and Afghanistan that have addressed terrorism, the Middle East conflict and refugee issues. Although they do deal with tragedy, the focus is on the surviving and overcoming of tragedy, rather than on the fear of what might happen. In the last year I've begun to send her interesting BBC articles that catch my eye. Right now I'm reading an article called "Do terrorists really think they're going to win?" which I will probably send to her (some of these she reads, some she doesn't). I've also introduced her to a couple of TV shows I've enjoyed which peripherally touch on some of these issues, and we often discuss the issues around the programme, which allows me to contextualise. For instance, we've watched the Canadian TV series Flashpoint, which has led to discussions about school shootings and hostage situations and what the police might be doing in the background of such events, and how they'd hope victims would respond, which in turn meant that I could discuss a BBC article on the attack advice: run, hide, tell and statistics on how people respond in a crisis - 15% act to save themselves, 75% are too confused to be of much use to anyoneand 10% behave in a way that endangers themselves or others - and how we might behave to fall in the first category. These discussions are usually theoretic. I purposely don't tie them to specific incidents, and we talk about them organically and occasionally, rather than purposefully and regularly.

 

I'm not sure if this helps you much, but because of my own experience growing up with a lot of anxiety about security issues I feel very strongly about finding a balance between information and peace of mind and empowerment. Fear is not something you can easily get out of your head once it's there, although maturity helps. I don't think there's any need to bring it into children's lives earlier than needs be, and I also don't think that a detailed understanding of tragic events is necessary to be an informed and caring member of society. (steps off soapbox!)

[zoobie]

What does her therapist suggest? I think there's a balance. Even if she's homeschooled, she leaves the house, sees things, hears things. A basic understanding of current events seems appropriate for someone her age. Hiding it so that she hears bits from other people might make her think there's MORE to worry about, kwim?

 

IDK about your husband. If he's showing signs of paranoia or concerning behaviors vs just being a horse's butt... I'd probably be in counseling alone to learn coping skills if he wouldn't go with me.

Edited November 26, 2015 by zoobie

[Garga]

Your DH doesn't believe in emotions. This is the problem. Again, whether it's through willful disbelief or if it's a mental illness on his part, he will NOT understand her anxiety. If he doesn't believe in emotions, then how can be believe in her fear? It would be incomprehensible to him.

 

If he is incapable of feeling emotions for himself, then he doesn't know what fear feels like. Trying to explain fear to him would be like trying to explain a color to a blind person.

 

Does he believe in science? Does he believe in chemicals in the brain? Does he believe that those chemicals can cause reactions in the body that result in a fight or flight anxiety scenario? Can you give him medical journals that explain that?

 

I honestly don't know what you can do about your DH. He is damaging his children whether intentionally or not.

 

As far as a news source, if you insist on keeping her updated, I wouldn't do much more than CNN student news. It's free online. They state what's going on in the world and keep it short and sweet. Very short. Just the facts, ma'am.

 

However, my 12 year old son started having anxiety attacks last year after watching CNN student news even though (I swear) it's very, very mild. I will try again with him next year when he's 14, but if he starts up with the anxiety attacks we'll have to stop.

 

You could watch CNN student news for yourself, and then just give her a recap if watching is too much.

 

ETA: This is a pattern with your DH. I don't think that trying to solve each situation as it comes up will really be helpful until you get to the root of the problem, which is his utter and complete dismissal of emotions. You've told us he doesn't believe they're real, so situations like this and the cookie eating will happen over and over and over...

Edited November 26, 2015 by Garga

[Katy]

I would do two three four things.

 

First, does she have any history of medical issues that could cause anxiety?  Repeated strep infections, a poor diet, not eating enough saturated fat, anything like that?  I'd work to resolve that immediately, even if it meant a late-night trip to the grocery store for ice cream and some of that chocolate shell crap that's made from coconut oil.  I'm guessing from your DH's actions that her problem is likely genetic, but he approaches things one way (due to a combination of age and gender) and she approaches things the opposite way for the same reasons.  Still, make sure she's getting enough vitamins, fat, sunshine, and exercise.

 

Second, get her this book:  It's Not News, It's Fark by Drew Curtis. It covers how the media is trying to terrify us all of the time, because the have financial incentive to do so.  It clearly discusses real statistics, actual dangers, and the way the media makes things sound much worse than they are because unless they terrorize us, we don't watch.  Their money depends on us watching.  Things are getting better all the time.  Yes, I realize the irony of saying that given the half dozen rants I've posted in the last week, but it's true.  Things really are getting better all the time. Yes, ISIS is a serious risk in terms of the government.  They have declared war on us.  The only realistic way to stop them is probably for Muslim armies to fight them.  What does that mean for your family?  Unless you live in a major city, probably absolutely nothing. Should you go to malls tomorrow in NYC or Washington or Dallas or LA?  I probably wouldn't.  What does your DH think is the worst thing that could happen?  Mass shootings in major cities?  Bombs?  Avoid major cities and don't go anyplace that is a gun-free zone (all but one mass shooting in the previous 80 years were in gun free zones).  Ultimately the worst thing ISIS could do is bomb the French and down the Russian jet.  Both are now more invested in killing them now then they were, and they were indifferent before.  The next president will likely be much more in line with your husband's political beliefs, just because that's the way political pendulums work in this country.

 

Thirdly, if her therapist isn't a cognitive behavioral therapist, get her to one.  They teach you the errors in your thinking and how to correct your wrong thoughts.

 

To add one more, if you're a religious family I'd have her talk to your clergy about it too.  Chances are ISIS isn't going to hurt your DD, but she could get in a wreck tomorrow.  We never know what will happen, and she needs to reconcile that with whatever her religious beliefs will be; whether it random chance or trusting God.  If you're agnostic, I'd ask religious friends if any of them can recommend  a clergy member who is wise and good with talking to young women.  Faith can be very good for this sort of thing, and make her much happier.

 

ETA:  It might also help her to prepare for more likely risks.  I don't mean full-on prepper, I mean following government recommendations for likely disasters. The CDC has a joke plan for preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse, but it actually helps in the case of natural disasters. It's supposed to be a wet warm winter in most of the country, which can mean a lot of ice storms and long power outages. Have enough food and water in your home that if the power grid goes out for a few weeks you'll be fine (and have a method to prepare the food). Then if ISIS strikes somewhere nearby you can stay home, and knowing that might help her relax.  Have three days of food, water, a heat source such as a large candle, a shovel, and a change of clothes in your vehicles in case you get in stuck in an ice storm.

 

ETA2:  http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm

 

ETA3: fixed link

Edited November 26, 2015 by Katy

[TwoEdgedSword]

Does hubby have any clue that he is potentially playing a large role in her anxiety and decreased mental health?

With what she has going on, I would work on the healing first and let all those fear based news stories take major time off.

Only when she is STRONGER down the road, would I reintroduce news items written with teens in mind, like GWN if you are Christian or another appropriate news magazine that suits your family.

 

He really needs to not be the educator in this area before he does more harm. I'm really sorry your daughter is suffering so.

 

Some kids do have more of a hunger for news and politics, and want and are ready for adult, non-parent filtered news. I share this kind of news with my kids when they indicate they want and are ready for that.

 

eta: I just reread the part where you asked for help in staying calm. My post doesn't really do that, so feel free to disregard if it's not helpful!

Edited November 26, 2015 by TwoEdgedSword

[Robin M]

A friend just posted this on Facebook

 

From Brian Johnson's Philosopher's Notes: "In The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal tells us “Stress caused by the news, as opposed to stress caused by your life, is unique in its ability to trigger a sense of hopelessness. Watching TV news after a natural disaster or terrorist attack has consistently been shown to increase the risk of developing depression or pos-traumatic stress disorder. One shocking study found that people who watched six or more hours of news about the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing were more likely to develop post-traumatic stress symptoms than people who were actually at the bombing and personally affected by it. It’s not just traditional news programs that instill fear and hopelessness; stories of tragedy, trauma, and threats dominate many forms of media. In fact, a 2014 study of U.S. adults found that the single best predictor of people’s fear and anxiety was how much time they spent watching TV talk shows.â€

 

We quit watching the news because of all the fear mongering and creative nonfiction quite a while ago and my husband has been less stressed out and not as negative. I don't allow my 16 year old to watch the news. However, we do get the Wall Street journal and read the news together, discussing it. Shield your daughter from viewing, then balance out what your husband says with a dose of realism. Let her read about it, but let her know she is safe and is well protected. If reading about it upsets her, then don't let her read about it. Your husband will eventually get the point if you and your daughter excuse yourself from the conversation every time he starts to talk about terrorism or other issues. Her mental health is more important.

 

 

Eta: breath, go take a walk or a drive. Think through how you want to talk to your hubby. I know you probably want to hit him up side the head and knock some sense into him, but unfortunately that wouldn't be helpful. Do something fun with your daughter and take her mind off of the issues.

Edited November 26, 2015 by Robin M

[TwoEdgedSword]

Totally agree with Robin. Also I'd bring humor into her life and the entire family where possible and natural. There's enough serious drama out there as it is. Humor can be healing.

[Carol in Cal.]

Personally, I think that the daily news is mostly nutsy, undigested stress.  I know that things are news because they are unusual, but the news normalizes that stuff, especially for kids, in a way that is both unrealistic and alarming.

 

If you want your child to know about world affairs or national news, I suggest picking one or two weekly or monthly news magazines that are reasonably middle of the road and thoughtful, and use those to digest and discuss what the world is actually like.  But I would also suggest observing personally and discussing what YOUR world is like, locally.  Don't just rely on the news for that.

 

If you are people of Christian faith, you might find it helpful to notice how frequently God says, "Fear not," and point out how He is a source of calm and comfort to you.  You know how when a toddler hears a loud, unfamiliar noise they look to their mom to see how she reacts, and if she laughs or smiles they know it's OK?  That lasts longer, to some extent, then most parents really consider.

[PinkTulip]

I couldn't get Katy's book recommendation link to open, but a book that hugely helped my similar anxiety is "Fear Less: real truth about risk, safety, and security in a time of terrorism" by Gavin De Becker, same author of The Gift of Fear.

 

I also quit watching all network news and read the newspaper instead - much more manageable to control the gory details without visual images replaying in my head all the time.

[Guest]

I'm a big fan of being informed and teens aren't too young for it. I had a well developed worldview and philosophy by that age and understood the intricacies of why things were going on, as well as developing a deeper sense of the motivations behind much of it.

 

It is better to get information from print sources, especially analysis. A day or three distance with a thoughtful commentator takes away the urgency of the 24 hour news cycle so the information can be processed with context but not anxiety or panic. Or be encouraging a teen than direction because the unknown and vague threats are even scarier - there is no border or edge, just whatever your imagination draws into the blanks. For me and my mental health issues that works best and always has.

[Tsuga]

First, I think that reading the news rather than watching it, is a good idea.

 

Second, I think that certain sources are much better than others. I highly recommend the Christian Science Monitor and the Atlantic. I'd stay away from the Economist and the New York Times if the person reading is prone to cataclysmic thinking.

 

Third, at this point, I'd let the teen lead the deep discussion part. Cover history in a sanitized version (believe me, plenty of public school kids are not in the intensive courses that would lend themselves to deep discussion) just to keep her abreast, but remain detached if this is affecting her mental health.

 

I am sorry her father is so unsympathetic and unwilling to engage with her as a person. The more I hear about this guy the more I worry about you and your family.

[Joules]

Listen to NPR, turn off FOX "News."

 

Bill

 

If only I could convince every local place to do that (car repair, doctors, dentists..) I was even subjected to FOX News in the jury pool waiting room.  I was told there were no national news cases on the docket.

 

We don't have TV on purpose.  I took my elderly, anxious (on meds) relative to the doc this week, where we were stuck in a waiting room for 45 minutes with FOX.  Needless to say, I've got a couple of weeks of repair work ahead of me.

[Ausmumof3]

Not much to add except that our kids also get both sides of the refugee crisis. For mine discussing things calmly and realistically helps more than not answering concerns at all.

[Pawz4me]

Not much to add except that our kids also get both sides of the refugee crisis. For mine discussing things calmly and realistically helps more than not answering concerns at all.

 

Yes, this is what we've always done.

 

We've never tried to shield our boys from anything.  It seems not do-able to me in our technology oriented age, especially for a teenager, and I believe the teenager will realize the parent is trying to hide the news/protect her from it, which is likely to cause even more anxiety -- "why are they trying to keep that away from me?  OMG it must be really bad!!"

 

I've tried to give our boys a solid grounding in history, world politics and logical thinking to help them make sense of the world.  Giving a child the tools to cope seems to me a better approach than trying to shield them from something that's almost unavoidable.  Now I'm a person who has struggled with anxiety a few times in her life, including when I was a young child in the 1970's and we were in the midst of the cold war.  In hindsight I'm positive I would have coped with it better had my parents thoroughly explained the situation to me in a calm, rational way and told me how unlikely it was that anything would affect us personally in anything more than a minor way.  But they didn't, and I believe I suffered unnecessarily for it.  Since it appears that your DH isn't likely to shut up about it, I would try to counter it with education, logic and rationality.  I personally believe that ignorance is never better than knowledge and coping skills.

[Lanny]

The thread has more to do with "Current Events" than with "Politics" as the thread title states. OP, is your DD seeing a Psychologist for her Anxiety problems?   I believe it is important to be informed about what is going on in the world, but if that knowledge leads her to Crying, possibly she can benefit from some time with a Psychologist, to help her manage the stress better?   Much GL to your DD!

[Katy]

I couldn't get Katy's book recommendation link to open, but a book that hugely helped my similar anxiety is "Fear Less: real truth about risk, safety, and security in a time of terrorism" by Gavin De Becker, same author of The Gift of Fear.

 

I also quit watching all network news and read the newspaper instead - much more manageable to control the gory details without visual images replaying in my head all the time.

 

Whoops, sorry.  I fixed the link.  The book was It's Not News, It's Fark! by Drew Curtis, creator of Fark.com.

 

Gavin De Becker books are fantastic as well.  As is asking DD if what she's feeling is anxiety or intuition.  IME learning to recognize the difference can help a great deal.

[texasmama]

I gave up watching the news years ago.  Reading and watching negative news stories about things over which I have no control triggers anxiety in me, much as Robin posted.  I am a micro person rather than a macro person.  I remain blissfully uninformed about many world events, and I concentrate on informing myself about and impacting the small circle of my influence.  Being sensitive is not a character flaw.  We do not all need to be extremely informed of every world happening.  I have much more peace in my life since giving up the "news", which is hardly news at all most of the time.  It is not my goal to be informed about world events, and that is really okay.  I realize that this is very odd to some people, but it is not pathological.  It's an appropriate response to inappropriate presentation of information for people whose peace of mind is negatively impacted by it.

 

 

[Stacia]

Haven't read all the responses & am just posting quickly....

 

If you do want to her to have an overview of news that's not hyped but still kid/teen focused, check out youngzine.org. I think they do a great job of providing an overview of world events in an easily understandable, balanced format. It addresses the seriousness of the situation, but doesn't hype it up into fear-mongering or other stressful ways. They also tend to focus on what the next steps are in a situation (i.e., what is the world doing, how have different leaders responded, etc...).

 

For example, here is their article re: the attacks in France: France Reels From Terror Attack.

 

(I think they update their website once a week with new articles. When my dc were younger, I would have them read articles through the week, one article from each section, each day. And then we would chat about the ones they chose to read that particular day.)

Edited November 26, 2015 by Stacia

[TwoEdgedSword]

Like Texasmama and some of you, I sometimes feel too impacted by the news. I've taken news fasts for months here and there and I'm definitely a happier person when I do. I even start singing and dancing more with my kids. I don't watch news on tv at all, but when I'm not on a news fast, I go back to being a news junkie and read many news sources online.

 

As a child and today I've always had a hard time when people do evil to others. I get the problem of evil from a faith perspective theologically, but I still struggle with it personally. For me news is either all or nothing. I hate that it's consuming and addicting, but I definitely balance what I share with each of my kids based on their unique personalities.

[klmama]

I agree that sometimes watching the news can be worse than reading about it.  However, before you have your dd read the newspaper, check it out yourself.  Some papers include every. horrid. detail. of terrible events, and that can be worse than watching a quick synopsis. 

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 2, 2015 by ^ 022

[marbel]

I have a kid with anxiety.  He says that knowing what is going on helps him control his anxiety.  That soulds odd to me, but it seems to work for him.

 

We get the print version of the Wall Street Journal.  Lots of news, no sensationalism.  You might want to check that out.  I also second CNN student news.

 

But, Dear OP,  you and your husband have deep philosophical differences about child rearing.  You've made that clear before.  You really shou;d be going over this stuff with your daughter's therapist and letting that individual know about Dad's beliefs/lack thereof.