emzhengjiu Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Thanks for all the responses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Yeah, I wouldn't trust those "medical professional" assessors. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 From what you describe, there isn't enough to think it's autism, as there is much more to autism than social issues. He sounds very introverted and shy, socially awkward. As far as having a mental health issue, probably. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 That can also be depression and/or anxiety. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 There is more than one issue kids can have. Autism is a set of issues. I am not a psychiatrist and I haven't met the kid so I can't speak to autism. However, there are other issues he could have which prevent him from... you know... living what most would consider a full life. It sounds like it's not just one thing, but all-around sensory avoidance: avoiding social sensations, avoiding responsibilities, avoiding tastes... etc. I think whether it's a problem depends on his own goals for his life and what his family is willing to do. If he won't launch until the age of 28 and everyone is okay with that, then it's not a disorder, it's just how he rolls, and why not? You might not enjoy his company but your daughter does. On the other hand, if his family has firm limits about how long they will support an adult and he is literally incapable of applying for any job and is unable to adjust his attitude to be able to work in a demanding environment to support himself, then yes, it's a psychological problem. So I think this is an area where you'd want to tread lightly. If his father and grandfather are feeling like they can wait out his transformation, that's great. But I would encourage your daughter to really think about the type of relationship she wants with him before getting serious in any way, considering that the trajectory he's on is not one that usually ends with the person suddenly waking up and saying "By golly you're right, maybe I will go to college and get an Associate of Applied Science and work my way up in UPS! Now where's that job application! A hurdle, you say? Needing to order my Social Security card and go to the DMV for a photo ID? No problem! I can do it! Let's make a list!" So long as she gets that I'd let it play out. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 She's going to end up behaving like his mum, which is a particularly thankless job in adult relationships... I hope she stays "just friends." :grouphug: 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 This sounds almost identical to a thread I've read, only we didn't know what he wanted to do. Maybe you're the same poster, I'm not sure. I'm not really sure what you're asking. The best way to understand him is to get to know him more I guess. My guess is he's not trying to get a job this second so he's thinking, "no, I haven't applied yet. Is that what you mean by 'process'?" Yeah I feel like I've read this situation before but maybe it's a common situation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 She's going to end up behaving like his mum, which is a particularly thankless job in adult relationships... I hope she stays "just friends." This is one of my fears! I hope she stays just friends too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Yeah I feel like I've read this situation before but maybe it's a common situation? Could be. I posted once before about my daughter and this young man but not quite the same information. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Yeah I feel like I've read this situation before but maybe it's a common situation? I think it can be a common situation. My dd was in a relationship last year (her, 17yo, him 18yo) with a boy who in a lot of ways is very different from the one in the OP (he was social, had friends and a paid job), but still had me a bit worried that he was heading towards the "live forever with parents working minimum-wage job" direction (he was 'homeschooled' but took only one class his senior year, otherwise worked and played computer games and hung out with friends, no SAT or ACT or other testing of any kind, no plans for the future other than pie-in-the-sky hypotheticals he did not have the background for). This year it's even gotten worse - he's an adult, so now just the coffee-shop job, dd broke up with him (not because of any of these issues), and he's distanced himself from his other friends - I think partly because now he doesn't see them for the fun homeschool coop stuff, he just works and goes home. He talks about having a plan to move up into management, but is that a career goal, or the only option he has left other than working the counter the rest of his life? I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's depressed. It's a depressing situation. I've heard he's thinking of sitting for the SAT and/or ACT so he can do some online college classes, but it'll be a haul now that he's been not doing anything academic for so long. I wish him luck - he really is a very nice, and quite intelligent kid. A lot of kids (I think especially boys) get a bit lost at this age, hopefully he can find his footing. Dd and I have had some talks about this - I told her that at 17, alarm bells were not yet ringing (at least not full-strength) about a dating a boy with no direction, as it was unlikely a relationship at this age would last to the point that it would be relevant. I did say that as she got older, and relationships became more serious, she had to take this into account. If there's any chance you can see yourself with the person long-term, will you respect someone that just plays video games all day? Are you prepared to support him financially? Would this be a relationship of equals, or would you resent him? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Well, if she really, really loves him, I doubt anything you say will suddenly turn that off. I guess you can gently and very sincerely say, "It looks like you love Reginald. If you are serious about a future with him, then you'll need to prepare. You'll have to be the breadwinner in your family and financially support him. So when you go to college, be sure you get a degree where you can get a job to pay for the apartment and all the bills by yourself. And for daycare one day." Because if she really, honestly loves him and wants to stay with him forever and ever, that's the honest truth. She will need to support him. And, hopefully, after a while she'll get tired of doing all the studying and working while he plays at home. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 You may not want to be judgmental, so allow me. I see huge red flags and would be very concerned for your daughter. This isn't a healthy situation for her at all. If she wants to help people, do volunteer work instead. (I hope the answer is no, but do the father and/or grandfather also take this guy target shooting by any chance?) Sorry to be so blunt. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Sometimes it's a mindset that says, "I don't know what to do, so I won't do anything until I know." If he's like that, it can mean he doesn't understand how the world works. I have a kid inclined to that kind of thinking, so we had to say, "Lots of people don't know what they want to do, so here are some things they do until they know: take general ed kinds of classes in college, get a couple of part time jobs and save their earnings until they have a better idea, take some tests and see a guidance counselor for some ideas about which direction to take, look into different options for job certification and see which are most appealing, and things like that. Pick one of those things or propose something else you think moves you forward to adult independence." We made it clear that our kids have to do things that invest in themselves that add up to full time between working and/or schooling. We consider internships part of schooling whether they're paid or not. Some personalities have a really hard time with all those pesky, practical, in between steps. They see the far off future, but need help taking the in between steps that get them to the future. It has to be spelled out, discussed in detail and even mapped out in some type of chart for them. Some people with very high IQs are very focused on the theoretical and very bad at understanding the practical application of those lofty ideas. If I had to interact with him I would stick to asking about what he IS doing, not what we WANTS to do or what he PLANS to do. The answers I got would be followed up with why. I'd also ask how what he's doing now contributes to what he wants to do in the future.On the surface, it looks like he's someone who does a whole lot of avoiding any potential discomfort. I have no idea what a professional would say about him, but that's my impression of him. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (I hope the answer is no, but do the father and/or grandfather also take this guy target shooting by any chance?) Sorry to be so blunt. Unfortunately, this was my first thought as well. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I don't see it as dire as some of the others. Considering he's bright, I don't understand why he was in a program for at risk students so perhaps there is a clue there that we don't know about. Lots of kids that age have no license- my own 23 year old daughter has never learned to drive. Maybe he has some anxiety or the expectation is that he has to pay for his insurance and the thought is overwhelming. That can start a cycle- he needs to drive to get a job but maybe needs money to get his license. Who knows what it really means that his dad and grandfather have been pushing him. It doesn't sound as if his dad is pushing him to grow up- if he's allowed to hang around all day not doing anything but play games, there's no real incentive to grow up. Maybe all he needs is some confidence and a first job to get the ball rolling. Maybe after a year he's lost contact with his friends from school- they've likely gone on to school or something and he's started relying on video games for companionship. I'm not saying he's typical or normal, but he doesn't sound like a lost cause or a potential mass shooter or anything. I'm guessing if your dd is more outgoing and has some goals that he might up his effort if he wants to keep her. We've seen our girls date some slackers but all but one of the guys matured and got with the program. Depression and anxiety can be treated, if that's what's holding him back. Laziness can be turned around. OP, your dd is bright- she might be 'in love' but if this guy isn't up to her standards, she'll figure it out soon enough. Hope it all works out. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Social anxiety? Depression often goes along with that, especially if it goes untreated for a long time. The food avoidance may be an entirely separate (and certainly not uncommon) issue. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 For those of you wondering whether they've heard this before, I'm fairly certain it was my daughter of whom you're thinking. I read the OP and had to check to make sure it wasn't one of my old posts. My darling daughter was 17 when she began a relationship with a 23yo who matches the above description. 18 months later there was an unplanned pregnancy and much emotional fallout. She also began to show signs of gaming addiction (8-10 hours a day with him on speakerphone). I tried to reach out and pull him into the family as advised, but he managed to live up to all of our worst fears and expectations. I'm relieved to report she broke things off about a month after she started college. He is almost 26, still jobless and still living in his mom's basement. I still experience a small shudder of relief every time I remember they are no longer together. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 He sounds terribly over-indulged by those who are supporting him and require no participation or responsibilities of him in return for the support. I think I'd advise DD to run in the opposite direction. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine State Sue Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 re: "in love" My father was an alcoholic. In my younger days, I was attracted to 2 kinds of guys: 1. Outgoing, friendly, life of the party, and generally drank like a fish...just like dear old dad 2. The type I could pity and rescue He sounds like a #2 to me. I would not try to understand him at all. I would try to understand why your dd is attracted to him. :grouphug: to you. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Many of those things would have described my very highly gifted son when he was in high school. He was much younger than his classmates, was bored with school, and felt that most other kids didn't like or understand him. His motivational issues were mostly related to depression. He's doing very well as an adult, but he still plays a lot of video games (except he gets paid for it now!) I would be watching for other signs of depression in this boy. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 This would have described my brother exactly at age 18 except for the fact that no one in his life was pushing him to do something. Fast forward to now and he's 30 with a Master's degree, a job as an english teacher at a community college, a wife, 3 kids and another on the way, and an amazing social circle. He still games but other than that he's a different person. I'm sure no mother would have been excited about him as a potential son in law at 18. For my brother it was likely depression holding him back. I wouldn't try to figure out what is wrong with the guy. I'd focus on talking to your daughter about where she sees things going if he continues to just play videogames. I should also add that my dh's first marriage ended partially because he was addicted to videogames. He really was just hiding from problems in his life so he played games constantly. Luckily for me, he no longer hides in his videogames. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Well, if she really, really loves him, I doubt anything you say will suddenly turn that off. I guess you can gently and very sincerely say, "It looks like you love Reginald. If you are serious about a future with him, then you'll need to prepare. You'll have to be the breadwinner in your family and financially support him. So when you go to college, be sure you get a degree where you can get a job to pay for the apartment and all the bills by yourself. And for daycare one day." Because if she really, honestly loves him and wants to stay with him forever and ever, that's the honest truth. She will need to support him. And, hopefully, after a while she'll get tired of doing all the studying and working while he plays at home. Support him financially AND do all the housekeeping and child-rearing and car maintenance and yard work and... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I removed this because it has a lot of personal info. I think the OP had a chance to see at this point. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 For those of you wondering whether they've heard this before, I'm fairly certain it was my daughter of whom you're thinking. I read the OP and had to check to make sure it wasn't one of my old posts. My darling daughter was 17 when she began a relationship with a 23yo who matches the above description. 18 months later there was an unplanned pregnancy and much emotional fallout. She also began to show signs of gaming addiction (8-10 hours a day with him on speakerphone). I tried to reach out and pull him into the family as advised, but he managed to live up to all of our worst fears and expectations. I'm relieved to report she broke things off about a month after she started college. He is almost 26, still jobless and still living in his mom's basement. I still experience a small shudder of relief every time I remember they are no longer together. Yes! That was it. I'm sorry it went so badly but glad your dd is out of the situation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 re: "in love" My father was an alcoholic. In my younger days, I was attracted to 2 kinds of guys: 1. Outgoing, friendly, life of the party, and generally drank like a fish...just like dear old dad 2. The type I could pity and rescue He sounds like a #2 to me. I would not try to understand him at all. I would try to understand why your dd is attracted to him. :grouphug: to you. I fully agree with this. What is your daughter seeing in him? I think it's common for any girls (and women) to think they can fix men with issues. A good book to read for that mindset is Codependent No More. And as for the young man, I kept thinking Avoidant Personality Disorder. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Yes! That was it. I'm sorry it went so badly but glad your dd is out of the situation. Thank you. So am I. He needed (needs) a trained therapist. An teenaged girl is not a trained therapist. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Like a couple of others, I don't think he necessarily sounds as dire as all that. There probably are some mental health issues but that could be said of so many people... he might have really serious ones... or he might just be a pretty normal, shy, awkward young man who is currently a little aimless. He's really young. I'd hate to judge me by my aimless 18 yo self. I guess I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be as bad as you fear, but I also wouldn't be surprised to hear he'd gotten his act together in a few years and was doing just fine. I would try to get to know him. I wouldn't try to pathologize him or analyze his every behavior. That never ends well. I would focus on your dd. She's the one you love and care about and can potentially help. What draws her to this guy? And how can you talk to her about relationships and him and how can you support her going in a good direction in general? I think those are the questions to ask yourself. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Pothead? Don't think so and hope not! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emzhengjiu Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Those of you that suggest talking with my daughter about her views on relationships are right. I've tried and will continue to talk with her gently about relationships and the future. I am so concerned about her that it hurts. I hope this young man changes for his own sake, but I just don't see that happening in the foreseeable future. So much seems entrenched. It's a tough place for a mom to be. I love my daughter and want her to have healthy relationships, but I can't force it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.