BIL has a weird pre-occupation with DH doing housework

[AnnE-girl]

I thought about adding this to the vent thread, but I think it could be a larger discussion about division of labor. Or just complain about in-laws. Twice DH's BIL has made comments on Facebook about DH doing housework that just rub me the wrong way. He and SIL don't have any children (she has fertility issues and he doesn't really like children) and he's posted generally about being proud of his niece for working and "providing a good example for her children by not relying on her husband." I've been a stay-at-home mom since DS was born 9 years ago.

 

About a month ago, I posted a recipe for this really good mushrooms with wine and cream sauce, and joked about about my husband "taking one for the team and finishing the bottle of wine that I had to open" for the recipe because I'm pregnant. BIL commented that DH doesn't get any respect, having to drink wine and do laundry and iron his own clothes. I just ignored it. MIL taught DH how to be a self-sufficient adult, he didn't lose the ability to do laundry and iron just because he has a wife at home. And I do do laundry and iron, but DH has started doing more of it.

 

Then a few days ago, DH had a profile article in our local paper for an award for young professionals that he won. DH posted the article on FB thanking everyone for their support, especially me for supporting him from home and his parents for teaching him the value of hard work and giving back to the community, etc. BIL commented congratulating him and said how not only does he get professional accolades, he does laundry, irons, vacuums, and cooks, too. WTH does housework have to do with DH's professional accomplishments? I've had a rough pregnancy with back issues and now partial bed rest for high blood pressure, so DH cleaned the house before his parents came to stay with us to attend the awards dinner, then made dinner the first night they were here. I'm assuming his mom told his sister, who relayed that information to her husband.

 

BIL also commented on my post about celebrating DH at the awards dinner that he was glad my bed rest was short-lived so I could attend. I haven't publicly posted anything about being in bed rest (well, except for here, but not on Facebook), so I just deleted the comment, but I was annoyed.

 

So BIL annoys me in general, but am I wrong that it seems weird that he keeps mentioning the housework DH does in seemingly unrelated situations? DH doesn't complain about the work he does around the house. My main job is taking care of the kids and educating them, and we both take care of the work of our home as needed. It seems like BIL is bothered that I don't work outside of the home AND I don't do everything so that DH can come home to a cocktail and foot rub or something.

 

I realize that I'm giving this way too much headspace, but it's even harder right now that I physically can't do more and BIL's comments don't help.

 

Edited to add: Sorry for the length, and this is also the BIL who, along with DH's sister, offered to pay for private school when we decided to pull DS from public school to homeschool because they disagreed with homeschooling.

[kiana]

Dude needs to STFU and mind his own business. Does it bug your DH as well? 

 

For you personally I'd suggest putting him on a restricted list (unfriending would cause too much drama, probably) so that he can only see things you post publicly, and blocking him on facebook so that you don't see anything he posts. That will stop him from commenting on any of YOUR posts. 

 

I'd also let your DH know how much it bugs you and ask him to restrict the settings on his. 

 

It won't stop him in person but it will stop the petty little viciousness (for that is what it is) from getting to you online. 

[Azalea]

I would be equally hurt and annoyed. I would want to have an honest conversation and look him in the eye and tell him how hurtful his words are. Perhaps using conflict resolution techniques, you know, when you say X, I think X and feel X. What are you really trying to say to me? That sort of thing. But only you can say whether or not he is too big a jerk to bother with. 

[rocassie]

My guess - BIL is jealous of your DH.  Therefore he is belittling your DH in attempt to make himself (BIL) seem more of a man.

[catz]

Oh - I would block someone like that from my facebook no question. If he asked why, I'd tell him EXACTLY why.  Does he just limit this behavoir to facebook or does he do it to your face too?

[Catwoman]

Okay, I'll be the lone dissenter here and ask if there any chance your BIL is actually trying to be complimentary toward your dh by bringing up the chores he does around the house, rather than meaning his comments in a snotty way. Also, it sounded to me like he was joking when he commented that your dh "had to drink wine."

 

I don't know the guy, but his comments didn't sound all that terrible to me. On the other hand, because I don't know him, I may be misreading his tone. As an example, could he have truly been happy to hear that you were able to attend the event with your dh?

 

Is he condescending toward you and sarcastic toward your dh in real life, or is could he just be a guy who either has a weird sense of humor or who doesn't express himself well online?

 

I guess I'm just wondering if you are letting your existing personal dislike of your BIL color your reaction to what may very well be innocent comments.

[redsquirrel]

My guess - BIL is jealous of your DH.  Therefore he is belittling your DH in attempt to make himself (BIL) seem more of a man.

 

 

:iagree:

 

What a little man your BIL is, that is pathetic. I think you should just laugh at him. Really, post 'lol' in response to some of those statements because they are pretty funny. Or ask him how he gets his computer to work when he is obviously living in the 1800s. I would treat it like the joke it is. Just keep responding as if it is funny and see what happens. At the very least it would be entertaining.

 

And why does the fact that you are at home mean that your DH gets out of all the housework?  I do the education and daytime childcare, DH earns the money. I don't see "all the housework" anywhere in that agreement.  We both have full time jobs and it takes both us to make the house run...it doesn't run well...but it runs.

 

And

[sassenach]

I would without hesitation unfriend him. If he asks why, I would tell him the truth.

 

This may be extreme, but I have recently considered I unfriending dh. He has stayed friends with people who piss me off and I'm getting tired of having to still deal with them despite majorly culling my list. I deactivated my account while I mull it over.

[Seasider]

Does your BIL wear a lot of green? Sounds like an envy problem to me. Maybe his wife is quietly trying to get him to help around the house and this is him going down in flames.

 

Do your best to blow him off. You and your dh are happy and helpful to one another. He has no place in the equation.

[Greta]

Okay, I'll be the lone dissenter here and ask if there any chance your BIL is actually trying to be complimentary toward your dh by bringing up the chores he does around the house, rather than meaning his comments in a snotty way. Also, it sounded to me like he was joking when he commented that your dh "had to drink wine."

 

I don't know the guy, but his comments didn't sound all that terrible to me. On the other hand, because I don't know him, I may be misreading his tone. As an example, could he have truly been happy to hear that you were able to attend the event with your dh?

 

Is he condescending toward you and sarcastic toward your dh in real life, or is could he just be a guy who either has a weird sense of humor or who doesn't express himself well online?

 

I guess I'm just wondering if you are letting your existing personal dislike of your BIL color your reaction to what may very well be innocent comments.

I would agree with this if it weren't for the comment about a good wife being one who doesn't rely on her husband. I mean, what the actual crap? Who says something like that??? (An unreliable husband, I guess. I feel sorry for the SIL!)

[zoobie]

My guess - BIL is jealous of your DH. Therefore he is belittling your DH in attempt to make himself (BIL) seem more of a man.

This. He sounds like an insufferable boob. Create an idiot list and put him on there.

 

And I am SO VERY VERY VERY GLAD my BIL doesn't have FB. He's the same way!

[Catwoman]

I would agree with this if it weren't for the comment about a good wife being one who doesn't rely on her husband. I mean, what the actual crap? Who says something like that??? (An unreliable husband, I guess. I feel sorry for the SIL!)

I wasn't sure what to think of that comment because it sounded like he was directing his statement toward his niece and was telling her how he is very proud of her for being independent, not that he was trying to insult AnnE. My impression was that he probably wasn't even thinking about AnnE when he posted about his niece.

 

Obviously, I could be wrong, and I could be very mistaken in trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's so difficult to judge a person's tone and intention based on some online comments. :)

[AnnE-girl]

Catwoman, I would see a weird sense of humor if housework had anything to do with what he was commenting on. BIL doesn't say anything in person, and we only see them a few times a year.

 

Thanks for not thinking I'm crazy being annoyed by this, everyone.

[gardenmom5]

bil is likely making snarky comments to deflect from his own issues with his own masculinity. 

 

does his wife want children and can't have them?  or want children and he doesn't?  or he expects her to work even if they were to have a child?  does he perhaps feel guilty he's such a heel to his own wife?

 

I would likely ignore him (don't feed the troll and all), or make comments assuring him that your dh is a *real* man.  (while being very subtle with any double entendres.  I probably wouldn't be so snarky as to imply bil "isn't* a real man, because after all, he's really only a jerk.)

 

 

[Greta]

I wasn't sure what to think of that comment because it sounded like he was directing his statement toward his niece and was telling her how he is very proud of her for being independent, not that he was trying to insult AnnE. My impression was that he probably wasn't even thinking about AnnE when he posted about his niece.

 

Obviously, I could be wrong, and I could be very mistaken in trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's so difficult to judge a person's tone and intention based on some online comments. :)

No, you're right, that's a very good point! His choice of words seems . . . questionable, but given how many times I've put my foot in my own mouth, I should be less judgmental. Maybe he's trying and he's just awkward. I can relate to that. But I hope he treats his wife better than he makes it sound like he treats her! :)

[Catwoman]

No, you're right, that's a very good point! His choice of words seems . . . questionable, but given how many times I've put my foot in my own mouth, I should be less judgmental. Maybe he's trying and he's just awkward. I can relate to that. But I hope he treats his wife better than he makes it sound like he treats her! :)

:iagree:

[Guest]

What a dipsh!t.

 

Seems like a good person to put on Hide.

[Catwoman]

Catwoman, I would see a weird sense of humor if housework had anything to do with what he was commenting on. BIL doesn't say anything in person, and we only see them a few times a year.

 

Thanks for not thinking I'm crazy being annoyed by this, everyone.

What does your dh think about his brother's comments? Does he think the guy is trying to be mean, or that he is just trying (unsuccessfully) to be funny?

[LucyStoner]

My stepFIL takes many opportunities to remark on how my husband does x, y or z pertaining to childcare and housework that he never did himself. He will also launch into how his son doesn't do any housework or cooking. Once I got up and poured my husband a second cup of coffee and his reaction was one of immense shock and a rather creepy level of interest. It was if I was reformed or something. The irony is that my husband has a pretty sweet deal on the domestic front- I'm a very good cook and I take care of most all of the chores since my husband's plate is so full. But he sees my husband folding some clothes or making pancakes and thinks this says that I don't take care if him. It's not 1947 and I really don't know what his deal is. I have decided to be a amused by it rather than annoyed. You have a great husband and the joke is on your BIL for being so silly.

 

Still. I definitely see why these remarks would stick. He is probably a clod who thinks it's funny but isn't very humorous in his delivery.

[Mimm]

He sounds annoying and weird for sure. I can't imagine caring very much how another couple divides up chores.

[abba12]

I can't offer advice, only sympathy. When I was terribly ill with my first pregnancy, my MIL cooked a few meals. She made very clear those meals were for my HUSBAND, not me, because I couldn't be bothered cooking (in not so many words, but they were all single portions). 

 

There are occasional snarky comments when DH mentions putting the kids to bed or housework to his father (which he does intentionally, I'm not sure why, I think he likes confronting him passive-aggressively with our different lifestyle. FIL is extremely proud of the fact that with 8 kids he never changed a single diaper, ever. He breaks the fact out whenever a new baby is born, and everyone else in the room sort of stares and chuckles uncomfortably). 

 

Sounds like he thinks your bedrest is a fake excuse and you're demanding too much of your husband or something. Since that is none of his business, I'd tell him to shove it. 

 

In our house

Both of us work part time

Both of us cook

I am the primary teacher (DH teaches one day, and sometimes another afternoon, a week while I work, but all of the planning, preparing, and overseeing of the children is my sole responsibility)

I am also the primary carer since I work from home but he works outside the home 3 days a week

I am responsible for almost all purchases, from groceries through to toys and educational stuff for the kids, all of which I research thoroughly since our budget is tight and we prefer one good quality toy over many cheap ones.

I am the baby-incubator (lol) which is a job in itself for me, and I am the primary carer of infants at all times, work or not.

My husband is fully responsible for housekeeping, I haven't done dishes in months, and I never clean (though I do instruct the children to do their daily chores, which maintains the house on days he works)

My husband is responsible for finances, bills, medications and appointments.

My husband is responsible for bedtime.

 

That is our division of labor and we are both quite happy with it. It probably looks different to many houses. The point is, you find what works for your family. Your BIL obviously has other ideas, it's just as well you aren't his wife :p Housework is a family effort IMO, and I envision a time where the children will become primarily responsible for housekeeping (My own mother almost never cleaned once we entered our pre-teen/teenage years, nor did my husbands.) Until then, I have more responsibilities than DH now he works part time, so it makes sense of that job to fall to him. 

[swimmermom3]

AnnE, are you a little sensitive about the division of labor?

 

Dh and I are in our fifties and we would probably laugh at most of what your BIL says, but we've walked through the fires and what others say, doesn't rock us much - with regards to the division of labor. We were both working when we got married and the when we had kids, I stayed home with the occasional venture into part-time work.  Dh has a management job that has taken anywhere from 40-70 hours a week. He doesn't travel much now, but did a ton when the kids were little. The man is a very good cook; it's how he paid his living expenses in college. He can iron his dress shirts if needed and he once laundered my clothes I was wearing after being admitted to the hospital with a massive nose bleed during pregnancy that was actually spraying everyone working on me. In fact, one of the maternity nurses taught him how to change the dressings. He's a rock. I am not a great cook, but I can single-handedly hold down a household full of vomiting children with diarrhea for eleven days. You both do what you need to do to make it all work. What matters is that you impress each other and after that, let the others fret.  If someone congratulated my husband on a professional achievement and added that he can cook, iron, and do laundry too, both dh and I would be delighted.

 

Heck, one of my favorite pictures is of my 6 foot four BIL, a former Marine who used to teach other Marines how to shoot, standing backstage at a dress recital with straight pins in his mouth, while he was making last minute sewing adjustments to my niece's costume. My well-mannered father snorted his dinner wine at Thanksgiving when dh and Bill began discussing cooking techniques.

 

Life is too short to get caught up in division of labor issues. Laundry or a management job doesn't define you, but running a household, raising kids, and keeping a relationship going with grace over an extended period of time, sure can!

 

Just laugh at your BIL. Either that's what he intends or it's his problem, not yours.

[AnnE-girl]

DH is annoyed by the comments, but he does a much better job of ignoring annoying things than I do. BIL is DH's oldest sister's husband, so he's known DH since DH was a young teenager.

 

As far as SIL and BIL having kids, SIL had a few miscarriages early in their marriage, but BIL didn't want children enough to pursue additional fertility treatments or adoption. At least that's what DH was aware of, his family isn't big on talking about such things. It all happened when he was in high school.

 

I did finally hide BIL today. I need to figure out how to put him on a restricted list so he can't see and comment on my posts.

[mom2scouts]

I think BIL probably feels guilty for how little he does around the house and is trying to pass his guilt onto you.I admit it would annoy me too, but at some point I'd probably call him on it.

[fdrinca]

Sounds super passive-aggressive. Icky. Does DH have an opinion? 

 

Reminds me of my grandmother, who insists that the reason my aunt and uncle were divorced was because my aunt (who finished an advanced degree and worked outside of the home after having two kids) asked my uncle to do the laundry. It certainly didn't have to do with my uncle's years-long affair. Nope. 

 

This would drive me crazy, but only reiterate my security that our marriage is a team. How sad for his wife :(

[mommaduck]

He's jealous, they need a life, and I wouldn't hesitate to unfriend them.

[mommaduck]

Restricted: go to his profile, click on where it says your friends just under the profile picture, there will be a list of choices, something about editing list, then scroll to the bottom and click "Restricted".

[KungFuPanda]

I think BIL has serious issues about not living up to his wife's awesome brother. It's easier to ridicule him than it is to step up his own efforts. Clearly there is a hole in his life. It's pitiful really.

[foxbridgeacademy]

My guess - BIL is jealous of your DH.  Therefore he is belittling your DH in attempt to make himself (BIL) seem more of a man.

My thoughts exactly.  It's not you he's actually aiming the digs at.  He's trying in his own little boy way to emasculate your husband.  My simple not make trouble response would be "yes, Dh is a good, strong, man who's not afraid of hard work, whether it be at his job or at home".  If he continues then I'd just tell him to "quit being an A$$".

[Rosie_0801]

If you're unfortunate enough to have him come up on your FB feed again, comment that your husband is the sexiest thing to ever walk the earth. Your hubby will have a good day after reading that, and everyone else will look forward to the next time the Dumbarse earns another smack down!

[Murphy101]

Idk But I hear this crap all the time about my husband and it always ticks me off. Why anyone cares who does dishes, cooks meals, mows the yard or changes the diaper is beyond me to begin with and it for sure shows itty bitty brain power to think doing what needs done in life is a gender issue. If anything I think seeing their dad fully participate in daily life is a wonderful example.

 

And when people comment on how hard and wonderful it must be for him to "help baby sit" or whatever I want to thump them between the eyes. What a moron thing to say. He is not helping me or doing me some favor by taking care of his children and home. That's what grown men who are fathers are supposed to do. Also notice how no one ever suggests I'm doing him some great service for doing the same things 95% of the time.

 

I'd respond to jerk bil -

 

Yes my husband cleans up after himself. That's just what grown ups do.

Yes, my husband is an amazing man showing our kids that being a father and husband is about doing a lot more than just having a paycheck.

Yes, I'm so proud to be married to a man I can trust to always be there for us.

 

I don't know that if I'd unfriend over it bc really this attitude is crazy common, I guess if I felt he was purposely treating us like poo, then I would unfriend to try to reduce friction on occasion when I did actually have to tolerate him.

 

eta: geez I'm literate really I am when I'm not on my phone ugh it's acting all wonky

[Murphy101]

This is especially sensitive to me bc everyone these days is commenting on how hard it must be for dh to be traveling so much. Yeah sure I get that to some extent

 

But hello people *I* am the one single parenting and yet they want to act like he is some Saint bc a couple weekends a month he makes dinner for us or does some chores for me around the house or gets kids to their events bc geez he should really be able to come home and just relax?! They can kiss my right butt cheek and don't let the door hit them on the way out. 😡

[HRAAB]

In the old days I would have responded to him and probably caused more problems, but I would have felt better. Now I would just unfriend him (yes, I have done this with family members). Life is way to short to read that kind of crap. Obviously he is the one with a problem; I would just make the choice not to listen to his problems on facebook. Occasional family gatherings would be enough.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would probably do the "Thank you for noticing!  Isn't it great?  A real man helps out his family in so many ways."  

[SKL]

Yeah, that's weird.  I think I feel sorry for BIL's wife.

 

Maybe he's reacting to your SIL praising your DH for being a team player at home.

 

It sounds relatively mild at this point, but if it gets more obnoxious, I think I would meet it head-on with a direct comment that you don't need his approval on how you and your DH have arranged your home life.  (And then he will get an attitude about that, but he will probably get out of your face.)

[SKL]

Funny thing, he doesn't seem to find anything wrong with a woman working outside the home and then working in the home.  I assume his niece does laundry and prepares food at times.

 

I mean, who does he think does the laundry and cooking in dual-income or single parent households?

[Guest]

Well  would be annoyed by this too, but I think for different reasons.

 

I hate when people have a one-track mind about anything. When people bring up the same things over and over and over again I feel like I am going to lose my flipping mind if I encounter them saying it again. It's just so tedious and boring. SAY NEW THINGS!

 

I doubt this guy is deep enough to be feeling threatened by his BIL fantasticness. I would assume he's kind of dumb.