Would you do this?

[cathmom]

A relative who is unsupportive of your parenting and has very different values wants to take your family on a 4 day trip, which the relative will completely pay for, except for your family getting to the destination. The trip would be very educational for your dc and you could not pay for the trip yourselves. Would you go?

[Kris]

With just the information you've given -- I have no idea. :-)

[cathmom]

Thanks - that's helpful!

 

Love your German shepherd!

[GSMP]

I think I would hesitate. People who pay for everything generally expect something. You would not be able to leave and you wouldn't or at least I would feel I had to bite my tongue if a conflict flared up.

 

Just going on what you said....probably not.

[anissarobert]

Does the relative say critical things in front of your children? If so, it might be a bad plan. If your children are not picking up on the negativity, then it might be a way to influence your relative's opinion. Perhaps by spending time with your children your relative will rethink his/her views on your parenting style.

 

It probably depends on your ability to deal with the negativity. I have several relatives who are very critical of homeschooling. I can imagine going on a trip with them, but I know there would be comments.

[cathmom]

The relative is my sister. She hasn't visited us in years. She told our oldest last year that the reason is because she can't stand the double standard between the way we raise him and his siblings. :confused: He was so flabbergasted he didn't ask her what she meant, so I have no idea. She would like to spend more time with our other children I guess, so her Christmas present last year was this trip idea.

 

So, to answer your question, I don't know if she would say critical things in front of our daughters - she may have only told our oldest what she did because he is an adult now. However, my dh is so mad at her he doesn't even want to talk to her - he would not be going on the trip because he has to work and doesn't want to spend time with her.

[Amy in Orlando]

How do you feel about your sister? My sister and I have a difficult relationship and she's in a position to offer something like your sister is offering you. I would weigh my decision very carefully. You can pm me if you want more details, but, I think I'd be leery of this invitation.

[JudyJudyJudy]

I'm not sure. My mother-in-law took us to Disney and Universal supposedly for our son's 4th birthday (long story there), and it didn't turn out so great. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't do it.

[Frankie]

The relative is my sister. She hasn't visited us in years. She told our oldest last year that the reason is because she can't stand the double standard between the way we raise him and his siblings. :confused: He was so flabbergasted he didn't ask her what she meant, so I have no idea. She would like to spend more time with our other children I guess, so her Christmas present last year was this trip idea.

 

So, to answer your question, I don't know if she would say critical things in front of our daughters - she may have only told our oldest what she did because he is an adult now. However, my dh is so mad at her he doesn't even want to talk to her - he would not be going on the trip because he has to work and doesn't want to spend time with her.

 

Based on this, I wouldn't go.

[cathmom]

How do I feel about my sister? That's an interesting question.

 

She was always the one I was closest to growing up, through college and even after I moved away. I used to talk to her several times a week.

 

Then she started becoming a female version of my dad. She got married and she and her dh chose not to have children. I have seven. Big difference in attitude.

 

In 1999, she and her dh came to visit us. I heard via the grapevine that he swore he would never come again and he didn't. He died in 2005. Prior to him getting sick, we had grown very far apart. We tried to be supportive through the year he was sick. After he died, we repeatedly invited my sister to come see us and she never did. I asked our other sister once if she knew why K wouldn't come see us, and she told me that was a conversation I should have with K, which I never did.

 

Through the years, she and other relatives repeatedly tried to get us to allow our oldest son to go visit them without us and we refused. I offered alternatives: calling more often, emailing, visiting us, etc. But only him going there was acceptable. He went up there this summer for two weeks and hated it. He has told me many things that she and other relatives have said about us. Now the pressure to send our older dd has started.

 

Just typing this out, I think that we should not accept this trip. Ya think???

[Amy in Orlando]

Based on what you just wrote, I vote no.

[cathmom]

But I really wanna go to Williamsburg! I might run into SWB! Surely that would be worth it, right???

[cathmom]

Based on what you just wrote, I vote no.

 

You are very sensible!

[Amy in Orlando]

But I really wanna go to Williamsburg! I might run into SWB! Surely that would be worth it, right???

 

:lol: You know your sister better than I do. How much do you want to meet SWB? :lol::lol::lol:

[Kris]

Thanks - that's helpful!

 

Well, not really -- LOL! But after having read your other posts, I can honestly say, "No way." :)

 

Love your German shepherd!

 

Thanks! We're very proud of her. She's a sweet girl. :)

[cathmom]

So, it's no, even with the possibility of running into SWB?

 

Guess I better start saving my pennies to take my own dc to Williamsburg. Hopefully we can do it before they reach retirement age!

[Zelda]

No, I wouldn't.

[FlockOfSillies]

So, it's no, even with the possibility of running into SWB?

 

Silly girl, that's what homeschool conferences are for! Save your pennies for one of SWB's future appearances, even if it's not close to your town.

 

Why spend a "vacation" with a malicious gossip? Ask her to buy you a box of toothpicks, and you can shove them into your eyes and underneath your fingernails instead. Cheaper for her, more direct for you. :lol:

 

I'm sorry for the deterioration in your relationship. But this trip won't fix it. You can tell her all you like that your kids will be paying for her Social Security, but childless-by-choice couples tend to be less tolerant of kids, especially large families. Just my experience.

[Rosie_0801]

This sounds less fun than Christmas Day with my inlaws. There is no way I would do anything that was supposed to be fun, if it was going to be less fun that that.

Rosie

[TammyinTN]

No way would I go.

[laylamcb]

I hate to see anyone estranged from family--especially sisters estranged because I have one, too. But I would agree with others: Don't do it. That is, don't do THIS trip, as proposed. Long before even considering such a trip, you and she need to have a one-on-one. If I were you that's what I'd propose--though expect to be seriously emotionally drained and physically exhausted when it's over. But I would absolutely NOT take your family on this trip--not even to The Burg, which I adore--before you and your sister clear the air between you.

 

Just my $.02. Good luck to you! :001_smile:

[Trivium Academy]

Without more details and having to relate to my own personal experience, I would say yes. The only way I would say no is that if the experience itself would render more negative memories than positive ones.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I would absolutely go, It would be a good experience for your children and it would give you a chance to learn how to have a relationship with your sister. I am sure for any negative comments she makes, there will be 100 happy things you can think of to talk about.

 

And remember, if she is making negative comments toward you, the only way that happens if she is not secure or happy in herself, so when she does it, feel sorry for her and embrace her. Happy people don't have time to sit back and point fingers.

[Harriet Vane]

This smacks of relationship privileges not yet earned, and the potential for greater harm is pretty high.

 

Your ds is old enough to process things himself, but your other kids are smaller and may not be able to process their aunt's inappropriate comments or behavior or the stress she may choose to inflict upon you.

 

I would say that before a trip like this happens, there needs to be a process of building trust and building the relationship. There are too many unspoken things being ignored here--some of those things should come into the light in loving conversation. Heal your relationship in smaller ways first, so that there is not so much pressure and potential for harm on a larger vacation.

[klmama]

I wouldn't go. It's nice of her to offer to pay for a trip for you all, but... I would really hesitate to expose my dc to her if she has that much of a problem wtih the way you are raising them. The children may develop an affection for her that causes them to accept whatever she says as truth.

 

If you really want to go, at the very least discuss the concerns with her beforehand. She needs to know that your ds told you what she said and do some explaining. If you aren't up for discussing it with her first, I wouldn't even consider the trip.

[bettyandbob]

No, it sounds like it could be an unpleasant 4 days even in Williamsburg. If you camp there are few campgrounds nearby, to help you save money visiting. dd camped there with her scout troop last spring.

 

I'd never let one of my dc visit relatives like that on their own. Over 18 that's their decision.

 

If she honestly wants to get to know her nieces and nephews, she can visit your family. She, being single, can probably make the time and pay for a few visits to your family with the costs of paying for the family trip. I want her to make an honest effort at visiting and doing mundane activities with the kids before I went on a trip. Doing everyday stuff is when you get to know people anyway.

[Kathleen in VA]

Just so you know, Williamsburg has two "Home Educator" events each year when the tickets are significantly reduced. We are going next week. For three days we are paying $55 for 5 of us to attend (it's a three-day ticket). Normally, the tickets cost $59 per adult and $29 per child aged 6-17 for three days.

 

Here are the dates for next year.

 

Feb. 21- Mar. 8, 20009

Sept. 12- 27, 2009

 

The web page I found this info on was hard to navigate to so I will post the link here for anyone who's interested.

 

http://www.history.org/history/teaching/groupTours/

 

Fwiw, I agree with the others - I would not go. Your dh sounds wise and I would follow his lead on this one. If your sister is sincerely wanting to get to know your family better and be generous with a gift of a vacation, she could come for a visit and stay at a local hotel to retie the strings first. Once you have established that she has no ulterior motives and that she won't be difficult to deal with, you may allow this kind of thing in the future. Considering how hostile your family is to your parenting approach I would expect any encounter with them would be a strain on your children and they need your protection.

[lovemyboys]

You are very sensible!

 

Ain't it great to talk things out here??!

[lllll]

..

[Murphy101]

The relative is my sister. She hasn't visited us in years. She told our oldest last year that the reason is because she can't stand the double standard between the way we raise him and his siblings. :confused: He was so flabbergasted he didn't ask her what she meant, so I have no idea. She would like to spend more time with our other children I guess, so her Christmas present last year was this trip idea.

 

So, to answer your question, I don't know if she would say critical things in front of our daughters - she may have only told our oldest what she did because he is an adult now. However, my dh is so mad at her he doesn't even want to talk to her - he would not be going on the trip because he has to work and doesn't want to spend time with her.

 

ahem. I think you know that no good is going to come of this trip. I think you know she has an agenda of sorts. I think you know that it could sow desention in your home.

 

so I think you know you shouldn't go.

You just don't want to accept that's the way it is. Don't blame you either. It's sad, but even SWB isn't worth having your family unity weakened and you know that's the case at least with your dh's feelings on the matter.

 

it's a shame your sister feels the way she does, but it's not your fault.

it sounds like she thinks she needs to "rescue" you? You know, the female who is oppressed and possible religious nut whose dh keeps getting her pregnant or something?:grouphug:;)

 

She's just got to get through to those older kids of yours before you totally brainwash them, kwim?

 

I could be entirely wrong on all of that.

Just saying...

It's a familiar road for mothers of many, esp if they are religious or conservative.:leaving:

[Laura K (NC)]

how will you do it? Can you do it and mend the relationship between you and your sister?

 

Is there a way, before answering, to talk to your sister and candidly let her know your concerns? It sounds like you do wish you and your sister had a relationship like you used to. It would be good if your sister could know that you, too, wish you could regain some of what was lost. It sounds like she's extending an olive branch, but I agree with the others... this trip doesn't seem like the best way to do it. If she has no kids, she can't possibly know what it's like to vacation with so many little ones. Vacations with kids are often more stressful than staying home, I've found! She probably doesn't know this, and doesn't have a good idea of what a vacation with a family is like when one is an adult. And she probably doesn't realize that your family is very much like every other family with small children. If one of your kids has a potty accident in a restaurant, if you have to go to an emergency room because a kid was horsing around in a playground, if one of your kids leaves a camera lying on a bench and it gets stolen, will she blame it on homeschooling or your parenting? I tell you, all of these things have happened to us when we've been on vacation, and we only have 3 kids. These kinds of things happen to every family. Families mean chaos to those who have studiously avoided having children. When we have been on vacations with a relative (an uncle) who doesn't have children, we were amazed at how little patience, tolerance, and energy they have, and it took a while to fix the relationship after the trip. The intent of the vacation was to grow closer, but it was just too stressful and it drove a deeper wedge between us. Most of the problem during the vacation was due to lack of communication, both before and during the trip.

 

Her intent seems clear -- she wants to make amends. Maybe you can help her by talking openly about your concerns and your own desires for reconciliation. If you refuse the gift, maybe you could offer some kind of substitute arrangement.

[Remudamom]

How do I feel about my sister? That's an interesting question.

 

She was always the one I was closest to growing up, through college and even after I moved away. I used to talk to her several times a week.

 

Then she started becoming a female version of my dad. She got married and she and her dh chose not to have children. I have seven. Big difference in attitude.

 

In 1999, she and her dh came to visit us. I heard via the grapevine that he swore he would never come again and he didn't. He died in 2005. Prior to him getting sick, we had grown very far apart. We tried to be supportive through the year he was sick. After he died, we repeatedly invited my sister to come see us and she never did. I asked our other sister once if she knew why K wouldn't come see us, and she told me that was a conversation I should have with K, which I never did.

 

Through the years, she and other relatives repeatedly tried to get us to allow our oldest son to go visit them without us and we refused. I offered alternatives: calling more often, emailing, visiting us, etc. But only him going there was acceptable. He went up there this summer for two weeks and hated it. He has told me many things that she and other relatives have said about us. Now the pressure to send our older dd has started.

 

Just typing this out, I think that we should not accept this trip. Ya think???

 

Wow, I think you ought to tell her to kiss off, and I'd tell her exactly why too.

I can't see considering going anywhere with her.

[WTMindy]

How do I feel about my sister? That's an interesting question.

 

She was always the one I was closest to growing up, through college and even after I moved away. I used to talk to her several times a week.

 

Then she started becoming a female version of my dad. She got married and she and her dh chose not to have children. I have seven. Big difference in attitude.

 

In 1999, she and her dh came to visit us. I heard via the grapevine that he swore he would never come again and he didn't. He died in 2005. Prior to him getting sick, we had grown very far apart. We tried to be supportive through the year he was sick. After he died, we repeatedly invited my sister to come see us and she never did. I asked our other sister once if she knew why K wouldn't come see us, and she told me that was a conversation I should have with K, which I never did.

 

Through the years, she and other relatives repeatedly tried to get us to allow our oldest son to go visit them without us and we refused. I offered alternatives: calling more often, emailing, visiting us, etc. But only him going there was acceptable. He went up there this summer for two weeks and hated it. He has told me many things that she and other relatives have said about us. Now the pressure to send our older dd has started.

 

Just typing this out, I think that we should not accept this trip. Ya think???

 

On the other hand, it sounds like she is trying to reach out to you and build a bridge. If you do choose to go, I would go with the mindset of figuring out what went wrong and how you can fix it. This might mean some hard conversations, but it could end up being great in the end. I would probably go, not because it is a free trip, but because I would want to rebuild the relationship!

[LibraryLover]

Whether you go or not, you need to have a serious, adult conversation with your sister. You need to choose a path. Mend fences or be done with each other.

 

I don't see how you all can go on like this, especially since she seems to need some kind of relationship (wanting the kids to visit etc). Plus, you need to help your oldest deal with his anger over this.

 

It's only going to fester if you don't.

 

I only offer my opinion because you seem conflicted.

[Twinmom]

On the other hand, it sounds like she is trying to reach out to you and build a bridge. If you do choose to go, I would go with the mindset of figuring out what went wrong and how you can fix it. This might mean some hard conversations, but it could end up being great in the end. I would probably go, not because it is a free trip, but because I would want to rebuild the relationship!

 

I think that would be my approach as well, with one caveat. I'd want to have a face to face, sit down between myself and my sister and clear the air before I'd let her loose on my kids. You've got some hard feelings and painful experiences between you. You don't need that spilling over onto your kids, but it does sound like your sister is extending an olive branch.

 

Call her, ask to get together (even if it means traveling) and talk it out...completely and honestly. Let her know you love her and want things to be good between you all, including the kids. If you all can come to an understanding, great. If not, explain that your family and your kids come first and you'll be staying home.

 

If it helps, I have a similar situation with my sister and I do have to limit contact between her family and mine. She has kids but the vast differences in the way our families operate and the way she views my parenting style makes for a difficult time for all. We're working it out, slowly. I know it's hard and I'm sorry.

[cathmom]

I love that you all are so generous as to her motives (extending an olive branch) but I know for a fact that isn't it at all. She just doesn't want to come to our house, and she doesn't care that travelling is hard for us with all the little ones. She could come here and stay in a hotel if she didn't want to stay with us, but then she would be pushing for us to let our dds stay at the hotel with her.

 

After she told our ds that about the double standards, she told all our relatives that she had said that. One of them said, "You said WHAT?" and she unapologetically replied, "It needed to be said."

 

She is not anti-homeschooling; I don't think she's anti "us having all these dc" even though she chose not to have any herself; she is anti-Catholic.

 

I guess it's hard for me because I don't know exactly what happened. I do know that we both changed in different directions and there is very little common ground anymore.

 

My dh is ready to completely cut her out of our lives. I do not want to do that because I feel it is wrong. With our oldest son, we never let him go up there by himself, but while we were up there, I did let him spend time with her and her dh when he was alive without me being there. He came to the independent conclusion that they are all insane. I worry that if we keep our younger dc from our relatives, they will not realize this themselves and possibly get sucked in when they are older.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I don't think you should consider going even for a minute.

 

I also think that if you raise your children to have good boundaries and be discerning about all people in their lives, they won't get sucked into anything. I don't think you can ïnnoculate" children against people easily as kids. Mine anyway see things in clear terms - bad and good. "If they're bad people, we wouldn't be with them would we so they must be good."' If you think her motives are less than honourable, I'd stay away until your children are old enough to understand subtlies and damaged people.

[OnTheBrink]

I hate to see anyone estranged from family--especially sisters estranged because I have one, too. But I would agree with others: Don't do it. That is, don't do THIS trip, as proposed. Long before even considering such a trip, you and she need to have a one-on-one. If I were you that's what I'd propose--though expect to be seriously emotionally drained and physically exhausted when it's over. But I would absolutely NOT take your family on this trip--not even to The Burg, which I adore--before you and your sister clear the air between you.

 

Just my $.02. Good luck to you! :001_smile:

 

I completely agree.

 

I think before going somewhere where you'd be at her mercy, so to speak, you two need to clear the air. Unless you have the means to up and leave if it gets uncomfortable, I'd not go anywhere with my dc until everything was talked out and cleared.

[Harriet Vane]

I worry that if we keep our younger dc from our relatives, they will not realize this themselves and possibly get sucked in when they are older.

 

I see it the opposite. Younger children are more likely to accept unhealthy ways of interacting. Age, maturity, experiences, and a healthy understanding of good relationships are tools for children to figure out dysfunctional interactions. In other words, your children need to understand what constitutes "normal" or "healthy" BEFORE they can then readily recognize what is dysfunctional or unhealthy.

 

Also, younger children are far more likely to be hurt by the dysfunctional. Please don't expose them to people who will hurt them emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise.

 

I come from a very, very dysfunctional, unhappy family. With those relatives with whom we have regular contact, I have always been totally honest with my children about family issues. That honesty does not have to be mean or hardhearted towards these people--honest truths can be spoken in a compassionate way. On those very rare occasions when I do not think it appropriate to tell my children something, I say, "This is something I cannot share with you right now. It's private for now."

 

I do have some relatives with whom we do NOT have contact. Believe me, I have reeeeally good reasons for this. When my children are adults, they will have the experience, maturity, and as much training as I can give them--they will be equipped to protect themselves, and hopefully to discern what is dysfunctional and set good boundaries.

[nutmeg]

From everything you have posted, I would vote NOT to go.

[lllll]

..

[CalicoKat]

I think I would hesitate. People who pay for everything generally expect something. You would not be able to leave and you wouldn't or at least I would feel I had to bite my tongue if a conflict flared up.

 

Just going on what you said....probably not.

 

:iagree: I wouldn't do it for this reason. Do you really want to put your kids through the possibility of 4 days of . . . . . .

 

"Sounds lovely, but we really can't do it right now. Thanks for thinking of us."

[HRAAB]

I haven't read all the responses, but I've had serious problems with my sister. She has tried to undermine my parental authority to my children, however, never in front of me; always when she's alone with my children. She has criticized their father to them - because he called her on several outright lies. I do not allow my children to be alone with her under any circumstances. Because of the previous problems - major ones - I would not accept the offer of a trip from her. She might use it against me later.

 

I don't know if any of this applies to you. If there is someone that has caused you grief in your life, it's just easier for me to stay away from them as much as possible. Even if I were inclined to go, my dh would not. While he is cordial and polite to her when we're together, he would not go anywhere with her that wasn't absolutely necessary.

 

Janet

[CalicoKat]

how will you do it? Can you do it and mend the relationship between you and your sister?

 

Is there a way, before answering, to talk to your sister and candidly let her know your concerns? It sounds like you do wish you and your sister had a relationship like you used to. It would be good if your sister could know that you, too, wish you could regain some of what was lost. It sounds like she's extending an olive branch, but I agree with the others... this trip doesn't seem like the best way to do it. If she has no kids, she can't possibly know what it's like to vacation with so many little ones. Vacations with kids are often more stressful than staying home, I've found! She probably doesn't know this, and doesn't have a good idea of what a vacation with a family is like when one is an adult. And she probably doesn't realize that your family is very much like every other family with small children. If one of your kids has a potty accident in a restaurant, if you have to go to an emergency room because a kid was horsing around in a playground, if one of your kids leaves a camera lying on a bench and it gets stolen, will she blame it on homeschooling or your parenting? I tell you, all of these things have happened to us when we've been on vacation, and we only have 3 kids. These kinds of things happen to every family. Families mean chaos to those who have studiously avoided having children. When we have been on vacations with a relative (an uncle) who doesn't have children, we were amazed at how little patience, tolerance, and energy they have, and it took a while to fix the relationship after the trip. The intent of the vacation was to grow closer, but it was just too stressful and it drove a deeper wedge between us. Most of the problem during the vacation was due to lack of communication, both before and during the trip.

 

Her intent seems clear -- she wants to make amends. Maybe you can help her by talking openly about your concerns and your own desires for reconciliation. If you refuse the gift, maybe you could offer some kind of substitute arrangement.

I wouldn't combine your "refusal of the gift" conversation with a "clearing the air between us" discussion. Although one is precipitating the other they're not related,

 

"Thanks for your generosity, but we can't make it." If she pushes it, be sure to direct the conversation back to her generosity and thoughtfulness and how it just isn't a good time.

[mazakaal]

Just typing this out, I think that we should not accept this trip. Ya think???

 

I think you've got your answer. I definitely wouldn't in that situation. I'm sorry that you've had to go through so much. Family situations can be so difficult. :grouphug:

[katilac]

I really dislike this kind of deal. I've done it with people I love very much, who support us 110%, and it's still difficult. There are always monetary costs associated with free trips, always, and you never have complete freedom when vacationing with others (even when they don't pay). I've spent quite a lot of money on 'free' trips, lol, and I always struggle with the fact that, dang, if I'm spending money, I'd rather spend it exactly the way I please!

[keroro]

I would politely decline. I just don't think it's worth the potential emotional price you and your family may pay. Your sister probably isn't going to change but you do have a choice about whether you continue to deal with her or not. If it were me, I would probably decide to have as little contact as possible just to avoid putting myself and my family through all that.

[Mom to Aly]

I used to put up with my in-laws, more than put up with them, bend over backwards to welcome them, when I was still married to my xh, even though they were critical of everything about me, and him, if it was different than they were. And they are nuts, completely. One of my first thoughts, after he left, even in my devastation over finding out he was a cheat and had taken all of our money, and left me in incredible debt, was, "I never have to see those nuts again, if I don't want to".

 

I am not saying your sister is the same, but, from what your son has said, and the way your husband feels, and what you have said, it doesn't sound that far off. My ex-in-laws are manipulative, they criticize openly anything that is not exactly what they think it should be, in front of my daughter, and including my daughter, they know best over everything, even though at least two of their three children are extremely mentally ill (my xh and his brother), but they would never admit that, because they are their kids, so they must be perfect! (and they don't believe in mental illness--they themselves are quite ill--but they are brilliant profs, and that is really all that counts to them, success), etc, etc, etc. I gave up a very successful career as a prof to stay home with my daughter, so they think I am a complete failure, and I am homeschooling, which is illegal in France, where they are from, and live, so they think I am ruining her.

 

Sound familiar? The type of person? They don't see my daughter because, the last time they did, when she was 4, they criticized her, yelled at her, and criticized me, and that was it--I will not allow that poisin into her life, even though they have offered to pay for us to go stay with them in Paris, travel with them through Europe, through the US, through Africa (they have just retired, and travel everywhere). We have no money and go absolutely no. where. But I would not accept a penny from them, nor would I go anywhere with them. The price is much too high, to me.

 

I know this is your sister, and you would like things to be different, but from what you have said you know it isn't. Forget all the rest. Forget the fact that if you want a relationship you should really confront her about what she dared to say to your child, and let the chips fall where they may. Forget that she is single, and should come to you, instead of inconveniencing your whole fam. Forget that your dh is completely against it.

 

From what you have said, this is really about you wanting to go to Williamsburg. How high a price are you willing to pay for a vacation like that?

[Brenda in FL]

I asked our other sister once if she knew why K wouldn't come see us, and she told me that was a conversation I should have with K, which I never did.

 

Now the pressure to send our older dd has started.

 

Just typing this out, I think that we should not accept this trip. Ya think???

 

I think you should have that conversation with your sister and then decide. It shouldn't be anymore unpleasant than telling her that you are not going to accept her gift. Then you will know whether to severely cut the ties with the family or work towards reconciliation. Sounds like you will have to make more decisions similar to this one. So - even though it may be difficult I think you and sis need to talk.

[cathmom]

There's no problem turning it down. It hasn't come up since Christmas. I just started thinking about it again, because now that the baby is here, we could actually do it if we wanted to.

 

As for dh and I being on the same page:

 

Years ago very close relatives did something that horribly hurt us and changed our lives, with no apology and frankly, mad at us that we weren't supporting them. At this time we considered cutting them out of our lives and one of the reasons we didn't was because we didn't want our dc to think that this is how you handle family situations. What if, when they were all grown up, dh and I did something they didn't like? Would they cut us out of their lives and say, "Well, you did it to so-and-so?" It was dh who brought this reason up, not me, just to clarify. So we worked hard at forgiving and restoring some kind of relationship. It is obviously not what it could be, but it is the best possible under the circumstances.

 

So, when I say, well, what's different about cutting my sister out of our lives? His answer is that we would forgive our parents and not cut them out, but no one else gets a pass. Which includes my sisters (I have 3). However, he is an only child, so really the only relative he has is his mom, so it doesn't apply to him.

 

At some point, if I ever feel that I could handle it, I might talk with my sister about the whole situation. But I would rather not. If she ever brings up the trip idea, I will tell her we don't feel able to do it right now and leave it at that.

 

Thanks all for your input! I think dh thought I was crazy for bringing this up - I will blame it on postpartum hormones since Baby is only 4 weeks old!