S/O FB discussions...why not engage in discussions?

[PrincessMommy]

So I'm curious about this because I've seen this attitude a lot lately.   I guess I see FB as a public forum and if someone posts something it's okay to engage in discussion.   I'm not talking about flame-throwing or snarkiness...but honest, discussion to understand each side.

 

Just to say..there's plenty of things I see posted by my friends on FB that I just roll my eyes and move on.  There's interesting discussions going on that I follow on my friend's feed, but I don't engage because I honestly don't know much (or have a strong opinion) about this topic, but I enjoy watching others respectfully discuss and disagree.

 

I have *on rare occasions* taken a friend to task when they've posted something or a link that I felt I could respectfully address.   One example was a friend who posted a link stating that Christians drinking alcohol was a sin and was a terrible witness to non-Christians... and the examples the author gave were shotty Biblical examples.  So I commented that I disagreed and gave my own historical and Biblical examples.  We exchanged several posts like that until the friend went to PM because they didn't want to be a bad witness to his friends and family..  Whatever

 

But...it seems that the opinion here at WTM, and other places I've visited, that considered bad form.    Why is that?  I'm really curious.  Am I misunderstanding what you all are talking about? Or am I being a Luddite?

[Bluegoat]

I don't think it is necessarily a total no no, but I think it can cause more problems.  Especially if things don't go well.  It can be a difficult medium I think just because of the format - the boxes are small, it doesn't lend itself to nuanced explanations.  I suspect many have had bad luck with it.  Some people are just not very good at having serious conversations about things.

 

And a lot of people have Facebook friends who are from many different backgrounds, and it might be very akward or just inappropriate to get into some discussions with them.

[SKL]

If it were a private conversation with just two people, that would be fine.  But calling a person out on fb is public and is therefore embarrassing.  Unless the person has an extremely thick skin, which, frankly, is very rare IME.  Even people who say they don't care what others think are sensitive at times.  It just isn't worth it.  We can agree to disagree, so why not do so silently when in a public, non-anonymous forum?

I do break my own rule on rare occasions.  But I probably shouldn't.

[KathyBC]

Facebook is different. I no longer engage the majority of my FB friends about much. I hurt someone's feelings once with what I had thought was a carefully worded disagreement. The only time I've ever been aware of an unfriending was over something similar. It's *too* public. Even net-savvy friends have a totally different audience on their FB feed and are reluctant to get into a true discussion, even if it's respectful.

 

Think about it... where IRL would you have in the same room your kids' soccer coach, your grandma, your husband's cousin, highschool classmates,etc., etc.?

[PrincessMommy]

I'm appreciating everyone perspective here.  Thanks

 

 

 

If it were a private conversation with just two people, that would be fine.  But calling a person out on fb is public and is therefore embarrassing.  Unless the person has an extremely thick skin, which, frankly, is very rare IME.  Even people who say they don't care what others think are sensitive at times.  It just isn't worth it.  We can agree to disagree, so why not do so silently when in a public, non-anonymous forum?

I do break my own rule on rare occasions.  But I probably shouldn't.

 

But, I'm not sure I see it as "calling someone out"... People often seem to post things they know are inflamatory and they seem to know that not everyone will agree.  Plus,  I do think there is a way to discuss something without embarrassing someone or calling them names and such.   But, maybe I'm asking too much.  I can't speak for everyone on someone's friends list of  course.

[SKL]

I have maybe 30 fb friends.  These include extreme liberals, extreme conservatives, gay people, anti-gay people, foreigners, xenophobes, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Pagans, Atheists, rich people, people on the dole, adoptees, adoptive parents, foster parents, parents whose kids/grandkids have been taken away, people with lots of kids, people with no kids, animal rescue nuts, animal breeders, teachers, people who bash teachers, spankers, anti-spankers, homeschoolers, parochial schoolers, public schoolers, parents of exceptional children, bragging parents (the last two are not mutually exclusive LOL), free range parents, overprotective parents, working moms, stay at home moms .......  AND my boss.  :p  If I have all that on my wee little fb friend list, I can't imagine how people with a lot of friends dare even comment on the weather.  :p

 

Actually I said something nice about the weather a couple months ago, and someone took issue with it.  Seriously.

 

Life is too short.  :)

[Samiam]

I don't like that everyone else can read the conversation. I mean, I get anyone can come HERE and read these conversations but we have some anonymity due to our "names" so I know none IRL friends and family come here to read it. On FB, all your, my, his, hers, their FB friends can see and follow the conversation, and I feel like it's a big show for everyone, and we don't even know who's watching. I have some nosy family members and though they don't talk directly to me on FB much, they like to see who's talking to who and what they are saying. (I know this from random comments the family members have made...things they could only have known by reading conversations that they were not involved in). So there's that, added to the fact there are really dumb humans who just can't have adult discussions, and potentially differing opinions without getting mad, ugly, and angry, resulting in harsh conversations....again that "show" aspect.

[Word Nerd]

I don't generally engage in discussions on other people's Facebook timelines, but it depends on the person and the topic.

 

People are funny about Facebook, and there's no pleasing everyone. People say they don't want other Facebook users to post about politics and other more serious or potentially controversial topics, but then they also whinge when people post silly quizzes for fun, talk about #TheDress or other "shallow" topics, post too often (i.e., some arbitrary number of times), post photos of their kids or videos like the Bucket Challenge ones, share what they're doing, or otherwise use the site how they see fit. I've come to the conclusion after reading discussions about Facebook here and elsewhere that I'm going to annoy someone no matter what I do or don't do on Facebook, so I use it the way I want to and figure my friends can unfollow or unfriend me if they don't like it.

[KathyBC]

I'm appreciating everyone perspective here.  Thanks

 

 

 

 

But, I'm not sure I see it as "calling someone out"... People often seem to post things they know are inflamatory and they seem to know that not everyone will agree.  Plus,  I do think there is a way to discuss something without embarrassing someone or calling them names and such.   But, maybe I'm asking too much.  I can't speak for everyone on someone's friends list of  course.

Oh, I know. Some stuff is *so* inflammatory, and usually it's posted by someone I *know* will be offended if disagreed with. I've checked the 'I don't want to see this' option more than a few times. In a day's news feed I will have an old friend posting about her latest bout of chemo, followed by an unrelated old friend posting the latest 'cure' for cancer. It's just... yeah.

[Onceuponatime]

I've learned never to post even a mildly dissenting opinion on Facebook. It is usually seen as a personal attack, no matter how nicely it is worded. I do still post snopes links on posts with blatantly wrong info, but only if I think it is a harmful thing to to be spreading around.

 

When the crazy gets to me, I unfollow ((not unfriend) people, and they never know I can't see what they post.

[PeacefulChaos]

Usually, on a friend's page, I don't say anything.  

On group pages, I may, but I try to do so in a respectful manner.  For example, someone put up the meme that says something that I don't necessarily agree with, but I didn't blast them or anything - I just was like, 'You know, I've never really gotten this.  etc...'  

Now, I do tend to get a little more opinionated on bigger pages - the type that you 'like' - and have had some really...um... interesting discussions on them.  I like a couple more conservative pages - or at least, the other posters seem much more conservative, even if the page owners themselves seem a little more middle of the road - and that can be interesting.  One time in a debate about the modesty word, and leggings, etc, I was told (by a fellow commenter - not by the page) to just leave because that page was for people with her view, etc, etc.   I was like, hmmm... I can like this group without agreeing with the link that was posted, and with any group I don't have to 100% agree with anything that is said.  The link was posted with an opening for discussion: "what are your thoughts on this?" so I gave mine.  But some of the uber-conservatives were not happy with my opinion so they resigned themselves to telling me I should leave.  Yeah, it was awesome.   :rolleyes:

 

 

 

 

ETA: I have seen people who will just outright be rude, though, and that's totally not okay.  Like a friend posted a picture of her new haircut/color (friend was a young woman, college age-ish), and a guy from church commented on it 'I don't like it.  The old color looks way better.'  Seriously?!  First off, if you can't say something nice, shut up.  Second, who on earth are you to think your opinion matters anyway?  But I see stuff like that fairly often... I posted a picture of chocolate chip dessert pizza and someone commented, 'EW!  That looks disgusting!  Gross.' so I just deleted it.  I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.  :P  :lol:  (Oh, and I see it on Pinterest, too... someone posts a picture of a dress and someone comments 'This is the ugliest dress I've ever seen' - seriously, people are weird)

[PrincessMommy]

I don't like that everyone else can read the conversation. I mean, I get anyone can come HERE and read these conversations but we have some anonymity due to our "names" so I know none IRL friends and family come here to read it. On FB, all your, my, his, hers, their FB friends can see and follow the conversation, and I feel like it's a big show for everyone, and we don't even know who's watching. I have some nosy family members and though they don't talk directly to me on FB much, they like to see who's talking to who and what they are saying. (I know this from random comments the family members have made...things they could only have known by reading conversations that they were not involved in). So there's that, added to the fact there are really dumb humans who just can't have adult discussions, and potentially differing opinions without getting mad, ugly, and angry, resulting in harsh conversations....again that "show" aspect.

 

I completely agree.  I also don't like that I can see everyone's "likes".  I don't care what Susie likes... and I seriously doubt she cares what I like.  But, yeah, I really dislike that all my friends can see a conversation I comment on and they are not at all friends with anyone but me. 

 

[Farrar]

I think of FB as visiting other people's parties. If someone posts something on their wall, you've been invited to go to their party and chat with them and their friends about it. But it's still their home and they're the host. So that's pretty much my rule. If it's someone who I have a relationship with where I would, in fact, challenge them at their house at a party - perhaps because I know they like a good debate or because we're such good friends that I feel like we get each other and wouldn't end up with hurt feelings - then I'll say something. Or if it's something that I find triffling enough that they're embarrassing themselves by saying it I might quickly point out something. Or if I feel like it's out of bounds enough that I want to just pop in and say, hey, not everyone thinks that. But, again, I treat it like it's their home. I'm not going to get into a raging debate at someone's party with people I don't know who were invited there by the host. It's just awkward. So I usually just choose not to go to that party. It's not really for me. If someone puts out tons of offensive stuff, I just defriend them. I mean, there comes a point when you realize you never want to go to their parties.

[Joanne]

I don't debate or discuss on FB. Yes, *me*.

 

I won't do it on someone else's wall, and I delete such on mine.

 

Not about spanking, punishment, school choice, the myth of the welfare queen, Christianity.

 

Nope, not on FB.

FB is a personal page, and should be pictures of kids, cute baby animals and annoying memes.

 

[Word Nerd]

I completely agree.  I also don't like that I can see everyone's "likes".  I don't care what Susie likes... and I seriously doubt she cares what I like.  But, yeah, I really dislike that all my friends can see a conversation I comment on and they are not at all friends with anyone but me. 

 

 

I usually avoid commenting on Public posts for this reason. Your friends can't see conversations you have with others who have their posts set to Friends Only.

[Ellie]

So I'm curious about this because I've seen this attitude a lot lately.   I guess I see FB as a public forum and if someone posts something it's okay to engage in discussion.   I'm not talking about flame-throwing or snarkiness...but honest, discussion to understand each side.

 

Just to say..there's plenty of things I see posted by my friends on FB that I just roll my eyes and move on.  There's interesting discussions going on that I follow on my friend's feed, but I don't engage because I honestly don't know much (or have a strong opinion) about this topic, but I enjoy watching others respectfully discuss and disagree.

 

I have *on rare occasions* taken a friend to task when they've posted something or a link that I felt I could respectfully address.   One example was a friend who posted a link stating that Christians drinking alcohol was a sin and was a terrible witness to non-Christians... and the examples the author gave were shotty Biblical examples.  So I commented that I disagreed and gave my own historical and Biblical examples.  We exchanged several posts like that until the friend went to PM because they didn't want to be a bad witness to his friends and family..  Whatever

 

But...it seems that the opinion here at WTM, and other places I've visited, that considered bad form.    Why is that?  I'm really curious.  Am I misunderstanding what you all are talking about? Or am I being a Luddite?

 

Well, it depends.

 

If I post something original on my own timeline, I'd appreciate it if folks don't go postal on me, but I don't mind discussing it some.

 

If I share an article or meme or whatnot, something that is not original to me, I don't mind discussing it some, but I just shared it, for crying out loud. :-)

 

If I something shows up on my newsfeed and I don't like it, I hide it. I don't rant on the person who shared it.

 

Only once have I felt that comments got out of hand. A friend, someone I have known on-line for many years and have talked with IRL, bashed HSLDA. It's ok with me if you don't like HSLDA, but you may not bash HSLDA on my timeline. I asked her to stop, and she did. We have continued to be friends. :-)

 

People who don't want my stuff showing up on their newsfeeds may feel free to quit following me.

 

Similarly, I don't make negative, ugly comments on things other people share on their timelines that shows up on my newsfeed.

 

And I don't usually feel the need to take discussions to private messages. I just move on.

[T'smom]

I also think that you can't write a long enough comment to clearly state your views. I commented on something yesterday that I should have left alone. My original comment was short, but it obviously needed more clarification than I wanted to put in a post. I almost vented about it on here yesterday! Maybe I still will. I'm pretty annoyed by it.

 

I block people who post offensive memes. I don't need that garbage on my newsfeed. That's actually only a couple people though. Generally, the my "friend" list is pretty pleasant.

[Seasider]

Then there's always that fb friend who seems to intentionally bait "friends" into public discussions about topics that are known to be controversial and involve wide-ranging yet individually closely held opinions. It's like tossing a doubloon off a parade float and watching the crowd scramble - these people seem to enjoy bringing up hot topics and watching to see who shows up for the fight, er, discussion. I don't respond to those types of things on my feed. (To be honest, I don't respond to much of anything on my feed these days.)

 

To address the original question, I agree with those who have noted that fb members often have widely diverse follower bases, not limited to clients, employers/prospective employers. What's put out there publicly can leave lasting perceptions. That's why I find fb to be a terrible sounding board when processing more raw ideas.

 

Forums such as this are better, being anonymous, but when you get down to nitty gritty details, I believe pm conversations are better.

[PrincessMommy]

Then there's always that fb friend who seems to intentionally bait "friends" into public discussions about topics that are known to be controversial and involve wide-ranging yet individually closely held opinions. It's like tossing a doubloon off a parade float and watching the crowd scramble - these people seem to enjoy bringing up hot topics and watching to see who shows up for the fight, er, discussion. I don't respond to those types of things on my feed. (To be honest, I don't respond to much of anything on my feed these days.)

 

To address the original question, I agree with those who have noted that fb members often have widely diverse follower bases, not limited to clients, employers/prospective employers. What's put out there publicly can leave lasting perceptions. That's why I find fb to be a terrible sounding board when processing more raw ideas.

 

Forums such as this are better, being anonymous, but when you get down to nitty gritty details, I believe pm conversations are better.

 

I think that is a good point.  I also find that more and more FB is more like a public bumper sticker generator.  Nobody really wants to discuss, but they definitely want everyone to know their personal opinion about things.

[Jennay]

There was a recent Circe article related to this -

https://www.circeinstitute.org/blog/modest-proposal-how-end-facebook-debate

[Tsuga]

For me, it was family, and my elders, who most irritated me politically. So out of respect for them I just shut the hell up and eventually had to leave facebook! I think family is important but I couldn't have just read something that dehumanized certain groups of humans, without standing up for them. And yet, I didn't want to argue with my aunt on facebook, or ever, for that matter. Family is family.

 

So for that reason, I only posted positive things on FB and deleted most of my responses.

[Pawz4me]

For me, it was family, and my elders, who most irritated me politically. So out of respect for them I just shut the hell up and eventually had to leave facebook! I think family is important but I couldn't have just read something that dehumanized certain groups of humans, without standing up for them. And yet, I didn't want to argue with my aunt on facebook, or ever, for that matter. Family is family.

 

So for that reason, I only posted positive things on FB and deleted most of my responses.

 

This is one of the main reasons I'm not on and will probably never be on FB.  I don't want to have to read the nutty and offensive things I know some of my relatives post.

 

(And yes, I know they do post a lot of nutty/offensive things because sometimes oldest DS can't resist giving me rundowns of the more "interesting" stuff. :blink: )

[Chris in VA]

I only say on FB what I'd say to someone's face IRL. If the person can handle some dissention, I try to put it gently or positively, but I usually just don't go there. I have one friend who posts extremely strong views and even called me and my family out specifically, and it made me so mad, but I did not defend myself or reply, because I would have lost her as a friend. It is sad that I am not "allowed" by her to have a differing opinion, but I tolerate that because she's funny, has always been kind to me, and even supported a WTM family one Christmas (she's not on WTM) just because I asked her to. You pick your battles.

 

 

 

I come here to vent, and then usually delete. That's dangerous, but sometimes "ya gotta vent."

 

 

[KathyBC]

I only say on FB what I'd say to someone's face IRL.

Me too, but I guess tone/body language/facial expressions are lacking. Plus, saying it on FB is like standing up on stage in a crowded gymnasium to say it, not like a private conversation.

[Rivka]

I am too old and too busy to do flamewars anymore. I am likely to unfriend or unfollow someone who posts really provocative stuff to stir up argument or who wants to get in big FB battles.

 

That said, I don't use FB just for trivial stuff, either. I have really good, really long conversations on my FB page, and I appreciate them.

[PrincessMommy]

I am too old and too busy to do flamewars anymore. I am likely to unfriend or unfollow someone who posts really provocative stuff to stir up argument or who wants to get in big FB battles.

 

That said, I don't use FB just for trivial stuff, either. I have really good, really long conversations on my FB page, and I appreciate them.

 

wow, that's great.. how do you encourage that?

 

And, I agree. I about being willing to engage in IRL as well as on FB.

[MyThreeSons]

I enjoy engaging in discussions on FB. I almost always learn something from the other point of view. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, and that's fine. We can still be friends, and I think that's extremely important for my friends and family to know. 

 

I don't do name calling, and I take exception when called names, although that has only happened with one person. 

 

The most frustrating thing is when I encounter someone who doesn't understand that while I may disagree with a particular stance on a topic, I may still understand where that person is coming from. And I will support the person's right to a different opinion. 

[LibraryLover]

FB is a communication forum. Of course people are going to chit- chat, discuss, and share thoughts and ideas.

 

When you are on my wall, you are among friends, so I have let people know that it's not some anonymous comments section after any old news article.  You're on my friends list because I actually know who you are.

[hornblower]

I've never met many of my fb friends. We just know each other from a certain interest group & the groups are really, really diverse so sometimes my worlds collide & people are a bit surprised to find themselves amidst people with really different opinions. I try hard to not stir up trouble on anyone's wall but I will correct what I believe are errors of fact & I will call out what I believe is just silly namecalling etc. I recently very politely challenged some comments someone made & also politely said I was turning off notifications for the post & bowing out as I wasn't interested in debating or arguing, merely wanted to add a different perspective. The person unfriended me. m'kay then.

[MyThreeSons]

 

FB is a personal page, and should be pictures of kids, cute baby animals and annoying memes.

 

I do like seeing pictures of my friends' kids, but I don't want to see multiple pictures every single day, even if the kid is cute. I don't care for many of the baby animal pictures and I really don't like the annoying memes. But what really annoys me are the endless selfies. I swear some people don't post anything except selfies. 

[Sarah CB]

I enjoy engaging in discussions on FB. I almost always learn something from the other point of view. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree, and that's fine. We can still be friends, and I think that's extremely important for my friends and family to know. 

 

I don't do name calling, and I take exception when called names, although that has only happened with one person. 

 

The most frustrating thing is when I encounter someone who doesn't understand that while I may disagree with a particular stance on a topic, I may still understand where that person is coming from. And I will support the person's right to a different opinion. 

 

I think I came close to a heated debate on seal flippers on my Facebook page the other day.  There were some contrasting and passionate opinions, but luckily no one took it to the next level.