Appropriate comment? Appropriate response to comment?

[Hunter's Moon]

That was an unnecessary and offensive comment on her part, even if she did not intend for it to be. However, I am not a confrontational person so unless she was attacking a particular person, I wouldn't have said anything. And even then, confrontation on Facebook seems pretty pointless. 

[MyThreeSons]

No, her emotion does not make her choice of words right.  Nobody said that.

 

I don't agree that "inaction is approval."  If "inaction is approval" then maybe we should go act publicly against everything we don't approve of?  But no, that can't be right.  That would mean we should walk up and publicly chide people who feed their kids a baby bottle full of coke or people who smoke etc.  We should definitely publicly confront people who wear their pant waists halfway down their butts or who cuss in front of children.  Right?

 

Or maybe I am rotten because I know of some people who are in the US illegally and I don't approve of that, but I haven't reported them to the authorities either.

 

And also - acting against one facebook friend is not going to change the world.  One should find a better forum to make positive change IMO

 

Ah ... but there are some important distinctions here.

 

Confronting people I don't know who are doing something I don't approve of is likely to get me in trouble, maybe even hurt. If it's simply a preference thing, I'd mind my own business. If it were a matter of immediate safety for a child or elderly person, or something like that, I'd likely either intervene immediately or call on someone who could. If I were at a family gathering and I saw a niece feeding her baby a bottle full of coke, I'd probably say something. Because of our relationship, I have a certain "right" to speak in love to her. 

 

I'm curious as to what forum I do have where I could make a positive change. I'm not in a position to run for office or anything like that. If I can help one FB friend to see how her words were potentially damaging, I can see that as having a ripple effect. It's small, but it's better than letting it slide, IMO.

[Jenny in Florida]

I won't get this right, but I rhought of that quote about how the only thing necessary fir evil to triumph is fir goid people to stand by and do nothing.

 

Relegating human beings to the status of "other" for the purpose of scapegoating them is evil. It's important for those among us who are concerned enough and brave enough to do so to confront that evil.

 

To quote the subtitle of the recent book by one of my favorite ministers: Thou shalt not stand idly by.

[MyThreeSons]

I won't get this right, but I rhought of that quote about how the only thing necessary fir evil to triumph is fir goid people to stand by and do nothing.

 

Relegating human beings to the status of "other" for the purpose of scapegoating them is evil. It's important for those among us who are concerned enough and brave enough to do so to confront that evil.

 

To quote the subtitle of the recent book by one of my favorite ministers: Thou shalt not stand idly by.

 

What book is this? It sounds like something I'd like to read. I tried googling that phrase, but all I came up with was some artwork.

[MyThreeSons]

I'm curious--and OP, if you consider this a derailment, I'll delete this. But for those of you who would not say anything about a racist comment that made you cringe on Facebook, would you say anything in a group of friends? Is it the confrontation or Facebook that you think is inappropriate?

 

Sorry -- I'm just now seeing this. I don't consider it a derailment at all -- it's a valid question. 

 

A few years ago, I was in our church's small group meeting. It was at one couple's house, and there were several other couples and some single young adults present -- about a dozen of us altogether. The male leader of our group made a comment that I found so inappropriate (racially biased) that I couldn't believe he actually said it. I was literally speechless, and that doesn't happen often with me. No one else spoke up, either. It bugged me all the way home that I hadn't said anything. I stewed on it overnight, and then phoned the man the next night to express my outrage at what he had said. He defended himself, basically said that I was overreacting, but also said that he would talk to the other people who had been present and see what they thought about what he said, and would issue an apology if he then felt he should. I never heard another word about it one way or the other. I wish that I had asked about it, both in following up with the man and with others in the group. 

[Jenny in Florida]

What book is this? It sounds like something I'd like to read. I tried googling that phrase, but all I came up with was some artwork.

I have it but have not read the book yet. It's Progressive Faith and Practice: Thou Shalt Not Stand Idly By, by Dr. Roger Ray.

[T'smom]

Sorry -- I'm just now seeing this. I don't consider it a derailment at all -- it's a valid question.

 

A few years ago, I was in our church's small group meeting. It was at one couple's house, and there were several other couples and some single young adults present -- about a dozen of us altogether. The male leader of our group made a comment that I found so inappropriate (racially biased) that I couldn't believe he actually said it. I was literally speechless, and that doesn't happen often with me. No one else spoke up, either. It bugged me all the way home that I hadn't said anything. I stewed on it overnight, and then phoned the man the next night to express my outrage at what he had said. He defended himself, basically said that I was overreacting, but also said that he would talk to the other people who had been present and see what they thought about what he said, and would issue an apology if he then felt he should. I never heard another word about it one way or the other. I wish that I had asked about it, both in following up with the man and with others in the group.

This has happened to me. I like to think I would be the kind of person who says something, but the few times it has happened I was left speechless. And then I beat myself up for it.

[Tsuga]

I object to her use of the term "illegals".

 

Given her vulnerable situation at the time, I would not have, at that moment, confronted her in public. Her car broke down, after all. It's not the time.

 

Only because of that, I would not have done it publicly. If it were a comment on a news story, it would be different. I have called people out in real life, and on facebook, for racist comments. Not, however, while they were actively in distress, such as in the hospital whining about Obamacare. If you're dying of cancer, I'm not going to debate you about this, I'm just not.

 

Her explanation makes sense--there are some places that only certain people will cross, like, you know, desert areas in between two countries with a migration issue.

 

It doesn't make her statement any more helpful.

 

Given her situation--car broke down, had to walk--I'd probably ask her how she was doing first, then broach the subject on facebook the next time she said something.

 

That would not be the case if her car had not just broken down. Car breaking down is next to a kid going to the hospital in my world. It sucks so bad!

[Tsuga]

 

She got stuck on Saturday afternoon. Our brief exchange took place on Sunday afternoon.

 

Never mind, I would have said something provided she'd gotten her car back.

[kiana]

I would respond but differently -- I would have said something more along the lines of "I hope nobody at all steals anything from you."

[Pam in CT]

What book is this? It sounds like something I'd like to read. I tried googling that phrase, but all I came up with was some artwork.

 

Elie Wiesel has also written a good deal about the perils of indifference, speaking as one who well knows....  At his Nobel acceptance speech, he said:

 

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

 

 

 

 

(the tactics of HOW is of course a different, and important, question...)

[BrookValley.]

I get not saying something publicly if you're just not comfortable with that. But I absolutely think public racist, bigoted comments deserve to be responded to publicly. Why would we tiptoe around bigotry? Why does someone making racist comments deserve a more "gentle" private comment? She said it publicly. She should expect a public response. I would have posted the same thing as the OP publicly on facebook and I would have made the same response publicly if it were a face-to-face conversation.

 

And if the OP's comment was confrontational, how is it less confrontational to say some version of "well I hope *no one* steals your stuff"?  That's just passive aggressive. I say meet it head on. No beating around the bush. The comment was ignorant.

[Clear Creek]

I am going to play devil's advocate for a moment here; I understand that people generally stereotype illegal immigrants and therefore find the term racially offensive since they limit them to one race or having come from one geographical area, so I see where everyone is coming from.

 

How is it racist to wonder if a person that has (by definition of the term "illegal immigrant") already broken and shown disregard for the law might also think it is okay to break and show disregard for another law? Illegal immigrants are not a race; they are a group of people that have violation of U.S. immigration law in common.

 

 

 

If she had broken down in a different area and posted "I hope none of the blacks steal anything!" (or insert group of your choosing), would people stay out of it or recommend PMing her?

 

I don't think that your example fits, unless you are implying that all blacks (or any other race) have broken the law (which I don't think you are). All illegal immigrants have violated U.S. law and have intentions to continue to violate the law. A better example would be that her car broke down in the parking lot of a halfway house of recently released criminals (a group of people that have also broken the law). Would it then be racist for her to express fear that one of them might commit another crime?

 

 

Note: I have great sympathy for the plight of families, and especially children, who try to illegally enter or stay in the U.S. in order to have a better life, often risking life or limb to get across the border. I wish it were easier for them to stay here legally and be taken care of, and my heart breaks for the parents that give up their children by sending them here alone in order for them to live a safer, healthier life. I wouldn't wish the life of poverty and the rate of crime in the countries that they are escaping from on my worst enemy. I also understand that many illegal immigrants actually try to avoid breaking other laws in order to keep from drawing attention to themselves, so one cannot just assume that since someone broke one law they will break another.

[MyThreeSons]

 

Her explanation makes sense--there are some places that only certain people will cross, like, you know, desert areas in between two countries with a migration issue.

 

 

 

As someone else said, the fact that her car got stuck there was proof that there aren't only "illegals" (I hate that term!) who would go near there.

 

But, even if it were true, it makes even less sense to me to specify rather than say "I hope no one steals anything". Logically speaking, when she said "I hope illegals don't steal anything", there is an implication that if a non-illegal stole something, she wouldn't mind. 

[Carrie12345]

Only "illegals" would come across her car in that area? So... um... is she "illegal" since her rear end was there?!?  :tongue_smilie:  :leaving:

 

(One day I'll actually read ahead, lol.)

[MyThreeSons]

I am going to play devil's advocate for a moment here; I understand that people generally stereotype illegal immigrants and therefore find the term racially offensive since they limit them to one race or having come from one geographical area, so I see where everyone is coming from.

 

How is it racist to wonder if a person that has (by definition of the term "illegal immigrant") already broken and shown disregard for the law might also think it is okay to break and show disregard for another law? Illegal immigrants are not a race; they are a group of people that have violation of U.S. immigration law in common.

 

For the record, I am the OP. I don't believe that you will ever find that *I* used the word "racist", in this discussion, because I agree that we are not talking about a race. I do believe that the comment which offended me showed a bias or prejudice against a group of people.

 

I lock my mini van at night, when it is parked in my own carport because I want to do what I can to keep it safe. I have no preconception about whether the person who might break into it is black, white, hispanic, or, as my Dad would say, purple with pink polka dots. I don't want my stuff stolen. Period. 

[Word Nerd]

Elie Wiesel has also written a good deal about the perils of indifference, speaking as one who well knows....  At his Nobel acceptance speech, he said:

 

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

 

 

 

 

(the tactics of HOW is of course a different, and important, question...)

 

Who is enduring suffering, humiliation, and torment in the anecdote shared by the OP? 

[kiana]

But, even if it were true, it makes even less sense to me to specify rather than say "I hope no one steals anything". Logically speaking, when she said "I hope illegals don't steal anything", there is an implication that if a non-illegal stole something, she wouldn't mind. 

 

The reason I would have phrased it that way is that it gives her a chance to back down and save face. If you back someone into a corner with a verbal argument, they tend to respond with rationalization and defensiveness explaining why it was right of them in the first place, and many other people jump in to defend the original statement because whoever posted it feels attacked. If they realize that it was a bigoted comment without you explicitly saying so, they are more likely to back down.

 

So my reasoning boils down to "Would I rather be explicit, or effective?"

[Tsuga]

 

Who is enduring suffering, humiliation, and torment in the anecdote shared by the OP?

 

I think the discussion around illegal migrants around the world, and political policies regarding the individuals who choose to break the law and risk their lives for hope of a better future, are weakened when we call people "illegals" rather than talk about people for who they are: people in a desperate situation. Does that justify breaking the law? That's a big discussion but dehumanizing people is not helpful in it.

 

As for what their situation is now:

 

One example in the US: http://articles.latimes.com/2012/may/16/nation/la-na-nn-georgia-immigration-20120516

 

One example in the EU: http://www.globaldetentionproject.org/countries/europe/spain/introduction.html

 

(Above is a link to detention center reports worldwide.)

 

One example in Asia: http://www.hrw.org/news/2014/11/21/squalid-detention-centres-are-no-place-children

 

In Australia: http://www.amnesty.org.au/refugees/comments/27966/, http://www.theweek.co.uk/world-news/57369/immigration-riot-australias-asylum-seeker-policy-illegal

 

Most of these websites treat undocumented migrants as innocent until proven guilty because of the international conventions on asylum seekers.

 

By continuing to talk about people as if they are guilty until proven innocent, and to emphasize the crime over the person particularly when people are obviously behaving in response to global economic (read: social, but with a money aspect) forces beyond their control, is dehumanizing and contributes to the situations we see above.

[maize]

I don't ordinarily see it as my job to correct people on Facebook, just not interested in trying to police my friends and acquaintances; I wouldn't have said anything.

 

Now if the person posted an opinion piece kind of thing about illegal immigrants or any other topic, I would see that as an invitation to discussion and would jump in if I had a significant opinion. But a passing comment related to an event in that person's life? I would let it go.

[hornblower]

I think the discussion around illegal migrants around the world, and political policies regarding the individuals who choose to break the law and risk their lives for hope of a better future, are weakened when we call people "illegals" rather than talk about people for who they are: people in a desperate situation. Does that justify breaking the law? That's a big discussion but dehumanizing people is not helpful in it.

 

The horrific stories developing right now off the coast of Italy with ghost ships full of migrants (crews abandon ship) are heart-wrenching. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-30653742

 

I actually was an immigration border guard for a few years so I've worked the enforcement side of this issue. Illegal migration, refugees, economic migrants - it's all very complicated but drill down & you get a family who is desperate for a better life.  There has been a series of these ships, each with hundreds of men, women (including pregnant women) and children.

 

Calling anyone 'illegal' is a huge slur in my book. People are never illegal, kwim?

 

 

 

 

 

[Word Nerd]

I'm already aware of the reasons why we should not call people "illegals." I did not defend the woman's use of the term at all. I just disagree that in the same situation it would be my responsibility to police her speech or that choosing not to call it out is the equivalent of standing by and watching someone be tormented and harassed.

[Katy]

I do think the comment was offensive, but I wouldn't have said anything publicly.  I have family that lives near the border of AZ/Mexico and their children were shot at several times by coyotes, and people have stolen a lot of things from them.  They are Catholic and consider it a religious duty to help people where they can, so they tend to leave things like snack bars on a shelf near the spigot in their backyard.  They would be very careful not to use language like that, but I could see how if a person lived in a border area for more than a few years it would be easy to make assumptions that would be offensive to anyone else.

 

I have family in north Florida that make ridiculously offensive comments sometimes (though their comments are against a different minority).  I generally let it go unless there's more than three comments in a row, when I interrupt to say this line of talk is racist and offensive.  They tend to back off and say they only mean the people in their town, but it's still bothersome.  They generally don't say anything offensive around me now.

 

In general I think it's bad manners to confront anyone publicly about something that can be addressed privately, unless you're in a group of people in person and the whole line of conversation makes you so uncomfortable that you're either going to leave or have them change the subject.  Sometimes people say something so outrageous I don't stick to my own guideline though.  A person being Christian has nothing to do with it.

[Pam in CT]

Who is enduring suffering, humiliation, and torment in the anecdote shared by the OP? 

 

 

I may not have been clear, that in including the excerpt from Wiesel's Nobel speech, I was posting in response to this (bit of a bunny trail) progression re: standing by:

 

 

(? my quotes aren't working right; this is Jenny...)

 

I won't get this right, but I thought of that quote about how the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to stand by and do nothing.

 

Relegating human beings to the status of "other" for the purpose of scapegoating them is evil. It's important for those among us who are concerned enough and brave enough to do so to confront that evil.

 

To quote the subtitle of the recent book by one of my favorite ministers: Thou shalt not stand idly by.

 

 

 

(...and then this is MyThreeSons...)

 

What book is this? It sounds like something I'd like to read. I tried googling that phrase, but all I came up with was some artwork.

 

 

 

(... to which I responded...)

 

Elie Wiesel has also written a good deal about the perils of indifference, speaking as one who well knows....  At his Nobel acceptance speech, he said:

 

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

 

 

 

 

(the tactics of HOW is of course a different, and important, question...)

 

... before I saw Jenny's response.

 

 

I absolutely do believe in standing up against suffering and humiliation as a moral imperative... and both Wiesel's writings and his lived experience serve as models of what doing so looks like...  

 

 

 

About the particular instance described in the OP specifically... I don't know that "calling out" on social media is necessarily very tactically effective... but then again, I'm way too old to understand anything at all re: social media.  Ask my kids.    :mellow:

[Tsuga]

I'm already aware of the reasons why we should not call people "illegals." I did not defend the woman's use of the term at all. I just disagree that in the same situation it would be my responsibility to police her speech or that choosing not to call it out is the equivalent of standing by and watching someone be tormented and harassed.

 

I don't think calling someone out is "policing". Policing would be making sure someone got punished. I'm not cool with that.

 

I don't think that watching someone be harassed and tormented is worse than watching someone create the conditions for harassment and torment. I think they are morally equal.

 

The difference is that most people deny their culpability when creating the conditions for injustice, and it's easier just to say, "They're probably right. I don't have to do anything."

 

That said, I could see myself choosing to call someone out publicly in real life, and have. I'm not into facebook vigilantism. It's cowardly. I'd sooner call the person on the phone, not to be private, but to be real with that person.

[poppy]

Wow. You alI have given me lots to think about.

 

While eating dinner, I was trying to find a way to say that I really didn't mean to be confrontational. And then I realized, yes, I did. As someone up there said, this is a hot button issue for me, and I wouldn't be true to my core values if I didn't confront this. Truly confrontational, though, in my opinion, would have been something like "What a racist thing to say!" As I think I said earlier, by asking a question, I thought of it as a "soft confrontation" -- getting her to take a look at what she said and how it could be interpreted.

 

I am rethinking whether it was best to make the initial statement publicly. I haven't come to the conclusion that I was wrong, but I'm not as convinced as I was before. I am seeing some wisdom in having done it privately initially.

I would have taken your comment as a direct challenge to what she said.... I can't think of a way to regard that as non confrontational.

 

On the other hand, illegals is a racial slur and I am amazed anyone feels comfortable using it publicly. So that pretty much does deserve a challenge (Unless she is likely would call other people who do illegal things "an illegal " of course- shoplifters, murderers, speeders, rapists....)

 

So who knows. Probably best to avoid negative social interactions on fb.

[MyThreeSons]

I'm not into facebook vigilantism. It's cowardly. I'd sooner call the person on the phone, not to be private, but to be real with that person.

 

Cowardly? Interesting choice of words. When I think of cowardly, I think of either running away from a situation rather than dealing with it at all, or dealing with it secretly, so that you remain anonymous. I don't see how making a public statement on FB would be termed cowardly. 

[Melissa in Australia]

other and other

 

I don't do facebook and cannot understand people getting into a pickle over it

[SKL]

OP, do you think she's an obnoxious racist hag or do you think she happened to make a poor choice of words that day?

 

If the former, why is she your friend?

[Murphy101]

I think you should set your FB to where only friends can see and post and PM you. Not friends of friends.

 

I think you were fine, tho it was probably futile.

 

I'd unfriend and block the idiot PMing you without bothering to respond to them. This isn't 7th grade. If your friend has a problem with you or your post to her, she is a grown woman who can and should speak for herself directly to you. Don't have time for that nonsense.

[StephanieZ]

I don't use Facebook (or really any other venue) to embarrass or criticize my friends. On a *very* rare occasion, I have made a comment similar to your if I find something really offensive, but if it is just a little cringe worthy, I would definitely not say anything. I get what you're saying and I'd cringe . . . but I wouldn't say anything to an adult. If it was a kid/teen (I have a number of teen Facebook friends who routinely make me cringe), I might say something to them or their mom, but it would have been more gentle . . . more like, "I'm sure you didn't mean it, but that comment sort of sounds like you think illegals are the only people stealing! LOL, Facebook shorthand can be confusing!) 

 

In general, if someone makes me cringe, I generally block them from my newsfeed or even defriend them. I am sure people have done that to me, lol, as I can be rather vocal on certain issues, and I am sure it is annoying. I try not to annoy, but it slips out. I've mostly done that with people I know and care about, but have obnoxious political views and/or social views and/or are just really immature teens who can't get a grip (despite my nudging) . . . and it stresses me out seeing them post such stupid things! 

 

In sum, I think friends should make life easier, not harder, so I don't go looking for chances to stress or criticize or shame anyone. In fact, I go looking for opportunities to support, encourage, and hold up people . . . People who stress me out or criticize me are soon removed from my Facebook feed and my life, so I guess that is why I really never have trouble on Facebook . . . because anyone who is prone to negativity has long since either blocked me or I've blocked them. So, my Facebook feed is all sunshine and light, and I can never understand people who say Facebook is negative. LOL

 

ETA: On the rare occasions that I've openly critiqued/disagreed with someone's political/social view on Facebook, I've done it knowing that I didn't really care if that person no longer was in my online (or real) life . . . I'd never do it to someone I really cared about keeping contact with. Ever. If someone I cared deeply about was SUPER offensive (happened once with my MIL) in a public forum, I'd only respond if I felt required to protect my own integrity or reputation (i.e., my MIL cc"ed me on a very offensive email . . . publicly associating me with her view . . . so I felt honor bound to publicly disagree with her perspective . . . caused a huge rift, as you can imagine.) So, yah, I think you were wrong and should apologize.

 

 

[kiwik]

Maybe it was a little confrontational. But she could have just said 'you're right it was a stupid thing to say. I must have been more shaken than I thought.'. Instead she tried to justify he statement.

[MyThreeSons]

OP, do you think she's an obnoxious racist hag or do you think she happened to make a poor choice of words that day?

 

If the former, why is she your friend?

 

Sorry -- I didn't mean to skip answering this. 

 

No, I don't think she is anything other than a really sweet young woman. Definitely naive. I have known her for over 10 years. She is a friend because we used to go to church together and we have lots of friends in common still. I personally know her parents, all five of her siblings, and the spouses of those that are married. We have camped together and attended numerous picnics, baby showers, etc., together. And her two youngest siblings are friends with my two youngest sons -- mostly on FB now, because three of the four have moved away. 

 

Yes, she made a poor choice of words that day. And I pointed that out. Many of you (and her friend who contacted me) felt it was inappropriate for me to do so, and/or my choice of words in doing so was inappropriate. None of our many mutual friends on FB called me on it. 

[MyThreeSons]

I don't use Facebook (or really any other venue) to embarrass or criticize my friends. On a *very* rare occasion, I have made a comment similar to your if I find something really offensive, but if it is just a little cringe worthy, I would definitely not say anything. I get what you're saying and I'd cringe . . . but I wouldn't say anything to an adult. If it was a kid/teen (I have a number of teen Facebook friends who routinely make me cringe), I might say something to them or their mom, but it would have been more gentle . . . more like, "I'm sure you didn't mean it, but that comment sort of sounds like you think illegals are the only people stealing! LOL, Facebook shorthand can be confusing!) 

 

<snip> 

 

In sum, I think friends should make life easier, not harder, so I don't go looking for chances to stress or criticize or shame anyone. In fact, I go looking for opportunities to support, encourage, and hold up people . . . 

 

<snip>

 

So, yah, I think you were wrong and should apologize.

 

As I said, this was a hot button issue for me. It wasn't just a cringe -- I let cringes slide all the time. I used that wording in my poll because I was trying to determine whether there were people who would be bothered, but not bothered enough to say anything, as opposed to being totally fine with it, so they wouldn't say anything. 

 

As far as what you say you would say to a kid, that is honestly what I thought my quick "Because only illegals steals things?" question was conveying. A little on the sarcastic side, I guess. 

 

I don't "look for" chances to stress or criticize or shame anyone, either in real life or on social media. As I've done here, though, I do look for opportunities to better understand when I've offended.

 

I did apologize already. The apology was public, since the offense was public.

[goldberry]

I would have interpreted "Because only illegals steal things?" as definitely being confrontational. It certainly wasn't friendly, and it came across as judgmental and not educational or helpful.

 

Obviously you were right, but I think your phrasing could have been a lot better. I'm not sure why you felt the need to call her out publicly, when she was already upset about her car having broken down and having to wait alone in the dark for someone to come and pick her up.

 

Her friend should have stayed out of it.

Agree with Catwoman here.  The original comment was inappropriate, but I would have extended some grace due to the situation.  If the person habitually made these kind of comments, I would address it another time in a private conversation.

 

Addressing an issue in the middle of an emotional situation is almost never productive.

[SKL]

Sorry -- I didn't mean to skip answering this. 

 

No, I don't think she is anything other than a really sweet young woman. Definitely naive. I have known her for over 10 years. She is a friend because we used to go to church together and we have lots of friends in common still. I personally know her parents, all five of her siblings, and the spouses of those that are married. We have camped together and attended numerous picnics, baby showers, etc., together. And her two youngest siblings are friends with my two youngest sons -- mostly on FB now, because three of the four have moved away. 

 

Yes, she made a poor choice of words that day. And I pointed that out. Many of you (and her friend who contacted me) felt it was inappropriate for me to do so, and/or my choice of words in doing so was inappropriate. None of our many mutual friends on FB called me on it. 

 

This is important context for your OP then.  Many of the people supporting your decision to publicly call her out seem to be assuming she is an obnoxious racist hag and needs to be publicly shamed before she does damage IRL.

 

I see that you re-thought your decision and apologized.  I don't think that other friends' silence on the matter means much.  As can be seen in this thread, most people won't engage in that sort of exchange one way or the other.