College age teacher - young teenage student WWYD?

[justkeepswimming]

Thanks for the input and thanks for staying nice about it!! :) a lot of good food for thought.

 

A couple things: there is no teenage crush happening. He's "ewww" old according to dd. T and I have a very open relationship and I know to keep eyes open on that account, so no blindness there.

 

In light of him needing to protect himself as a teacher moving forward, I do see that point and am leaning to change my mind on this note alone because I do see the practicality. As the mother of two young sons, this makes me sad though. :/

 

Listening to her practice is not a problem because she's screeching or anything like that. She's a beautiful player. But it is soooo hard for me to sit still & I have trouble feeling bored when I should be doing one of a dozen other things. It's a comparatively quiet instrument in a quiet room so any noise I make is noticeable. She's been with him a year, but has 3-4 years total with the instrument.

 

Most of the teachers in this field are men who teach in a more aggressive/loud manner ( a trait of the instrument) & they really intimidate dd and the lessons are counter-productive. This kid is perfect.

 

The boys are doing real schoolwork on the drive or we are having discussions. No audio books or movies at home. The kids' schedules are ridiculously busy and having a solid block of 2 hours to work with them while I'm doing something else is a beautiful thing.

 

 

At first I was going to say that I'd have no problem with it, but after giving it some thought, I changed my mind. First, even if your daughter so far seems to have good judge of character, I don't think there is any way a 14-year-old can be a complete judge of character of a young adult man. Secondly, if she has run into trouble before (and you say "guys," not just one "guy" even), then it makes me wonder why. Does she appear more mature than her age, or give off certain vibes?

I'm trying really hard to not be incredibly offended at this on behalf of my daughter. I'm assuming you meant it in kindness. :) But. She's had trouble with a few guys (plural) because she has a wide social net and some men/boys are jerks. Not because of any vibe she's giving off (and even if she IS giving off a "vibe," they'd still be the creeps here). She's had trouble with a few boys her own age who need to be taught some etiquette from their parents too. She's very friendly (to EVERYONE - girls & guys alike) and some guys take that as an invite to be crude. It's not. >:-/

[Dmmetler]

 

For what it's worth:

 

1. I have a teenage son who wants to teach and possibly run his own dance studio in the future. He has lost out on a couple of opportunities to substitute teach classes because it would have involved him being alone with younger kids in a studio without windows . . . the exact same studio in which my daughter regularly taught acting classes to kids the same age. So, I absolutely recognize that this kind of thing is frustrating and upsetting for young men and their parents. 
2. My answer is yes. I would have exactly the same concerns with a teacher of either gender. As others have said, I think it's just good policy and practice not to allow any situation to develop that would put either the student or the teacher at risk. My daughter's (female) voice teacher used the front room of her home as a studio, routinely left the front door not only unlocked but open (with a screen door) and always welcomed parents to go in and out freely and to use the dining room area as a waiting room if they preferred. 

 

Which is really frustrating to me, because I have seen parents request a switch out of a tumbling class, in a room with multiple adults present at all times and tons of windows, simply because the coach is male. I saw the same thing when DD had a male ballet teacher-in a studio with closed circuit TV so parents could watch.  And often those coaches are amazing. I suspect they have to be, to get hired at all. My DD always seems to do better with male coaches/dance teachers, too.

 

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[bettyandbob]

Which is really frustrating to me, because I have seen parents request a switch out of a tumbling class, in a room with multiple adults present at all times and tons of windows, simply because the coach is male. I saw the same thing when DD had a male ballet teacher-in a studio with closed circuit TV so parents could watch.  And often those coaches are amazing. I suspect they have to be, to get hired at all. My DD always seems to do better with male coaches/dance teachers, too.

 

.

 

That's really dumb on the part of the parents. My dd has had the opportunity to work with a male ballet teacher a couple times. They were both very good. She was in group classes, with close circuit tv. Plenty of eyes to keep anything inappropriate. No reason to keep my dd from a good teacher.

 

Would I let her work one on one in a closed studio--NO. It doesn't matter if the teacher is male or female.

 

[Murphy101]

I'm so divided on this.

 

Otoh, I'm a wife to an exemplary husband and the mother 7 sons. If this young man were MY son, I'd be at least mildly offended that someone would insinuate that simply bc he is a male, he should be treated with such criminal suspicion.

 

Otoh, I'm not stupid and know we live in a messed up world too. I know I can't ignore that and protect my sons at the same time. So if MY son, of any age, said he was giving private lessons to a female or a minor I would strongly advise him as to the possible legal hellhole nightmare he could be opening himself up to. And no one EVER thinks it would happen to them or suspects until way too late that the nice person, even a kid, they were not concerned about is actually totally psycho.

 

Is any of that fair? Nope. Is it sexist and wrong that men should have to plan like that? Nope. But it's true all the same.

 

So if it were my daughter, I might or might not drop her off. Idk. I know that the chances of nothing going wrong is tremendously higher than something questionable happening. I know being on the wrong end of a minority statistic is no comfort to those people.

[Seasider]

FWIW, I would also supervise if the teacher were female. Youth protection policies are gender neutral, they are more about eliminating unsupervised one-to-one contact between adults and minors.

 

[ETA inappropriate interaction isn't always sexu@l. The Voice of Saruman would never have shown up on a video, iykwim. Someone who has regular interaction with my child is someone whom I want to know better - how they speak, whether they stay on track with the lessons, does time that I'm paying for get wasted on unprofitable sidetracked conversations - this doesn't generally happen if I'm just dropping off and picking up.]

 

OP, I feel your pain about giving up what could be otherwise productive use of the time. Wish I could have back lots of sit-n-wait hours over the last 15 years! Unfortunately, prudent does not always equal productive.

[Miss Peregrine]

I would be fine with it, but it's just good practice for a teacher to not be alone with a student of the opposite sex, for their protection.

[Joker]

My oldest has had private lessons with both male and female alone without me there. The male was in a studio but behind closed doors but I could hear them playing. The female was in her home and I sat in the car like you do and could hear them (open front window) and see shadows. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with you sitting out front doing work while she practices and I also agree it might be a good idea to bring up the issue with the teacher (for his sake).

[marbel]

This isn't just about protecting the girls from the evil men.   (Well, maybe for some people it is.)  I have a son.  I don't think he's a walking s*x offense waiting to happen.  We talk a lot about girls, and the plain fact that sometimes girls/women lie about boys/men - so  he needs to protect himself by not only behaving properly, but also not being alone with girls other than his sister and life-long friends.

 

OP, I'm not calling your daughter a liar!  :001_smile:

 

But, if there is a policy in place - no one-on-one lessons behind closed doors - then everyone has to abide by it.  The nice 14-year-old, and the flirtatious 16-year-old, and the 15-year-old who hates the teacher.   The teacher doesn't have to decide who he or she is comfortable teaching in that way.  Everyone is treated the same way. 

 

ETA: and if the parent has a similar philosophy, it's also easier to treat all teachers the same way.  What if one day a teacher who seemed fine, suddenly doesn't?    Or the teaching is great but the parent/kid is uncomfortable being alone?  It's just easier to treat everyone the same way.  It's not about being suspicious.

 

[Joker]

This isn't just about protecting the girls from the evil men.   (Well, maybe for some people it is.)  I have a son.  I don't think he's a walking s*x offense waiting to happen.  We talk a lot about girls, and the plain fact that sometimes girls/women lie about boys/men - so  he needs to protect himself by not only behaving properly, but also not being alone with girls other than his sister and life-long friends.

 

OP, I'm not calling your daughter a liar!  :001_smile:

 

But, if there is a policy in place - no one-on-one lessons behind closed doors - then everyone has to abide by it.  The nice 14-year-old, and the flirtatious 16-year-old, and the 15-year-old who hates the teacher.   The teacher doesn't have to decide who he or she is comfortable teaching in that way.  Everyone is treated the same way. 

 

How does one date and get married if he is never alone with girls other than his sister and life-long friends? I just feel that kind of thinking is over the top.

[EmilyGF]

Schools and most churches require every door to have a window so that no two people are ever alone.

 

Cub scouts and girl scouts require two-deep leadership.

 

I'd leave a second child there to do homework or something (if there is one who could do that without disturbing) or bring work to do on my own while waiting. 

[marbel]

How does one date and get married if he is never alone with girls other than his sister and life-long friends? I just feel that kind of thinking is over the top.

 

Yeah, I posted too quickly and was too brief.  At his age, we don't want him to be alone.  (He is not interested in dating yet anyway.)  He is developing friendships in the context of group activities.  As he gets to know some young women better, they won't be life-long friends but they won't be mere acquaintances either.   I didn't mean to imply chaperoned courtship.  But a slow easing into one-on-one dating with people he knows pretty well. 

 

I hope that made more sense. 

[J-rap]

Thanks for the input and thanks for staying nice about it!! :) a lot of good food for thought.

 

A couple things: there is no teenage crush happening. He's "ewww" old according to dd. T and I have a very open relationship and I know to keep eyes open on that account, so no blindness there.

 

In light of him needing to protect himself as a teacher moving forward, I do see that point and am leaning to change my mind on this note alone because I do see the practicality. As the mother of two young sons, this makes me sad though. :/

 

Listening to her practice is not a problem because she's screeching or anything like that. She's a beautiful player. But it is soooo hard for me to sit still & I have trouble feeling bored when I should be doing one of a dozen other things. It's a comparatively quiet instrument in a quiet room so any noise I make is noticeable. She's been with him a year, but has 3-4 years total with the instrument.

 

Most of the teachers in this field are men who teach in a more aggressive/loud manner ( a trait of the instrument) & they really intimidate dd and the lessons are counter-productive. This kid is perfect.

 

The boys are doing real schoolwork on the drive or we are having discussions. No audio books or movies at home. The kids' schedules are ridiculously busy and having a solid block of 2 hours to work with them while I'm doing something else is a beautiful thing.

 

 

 

I'm trying really hard to not be incredibly offended at this on behalf of my daughter. I'm assuming you meant it in kindness. :) But. She's had trouble with a few guys (plural) because she has a wide social net and some men/boys are jerks. Not because of any vibe she's giving off (and even if she IS giving off a "vibe," they'd still be the creeps here). She's had trouble with a few boys her own age who need to be taught some etiquette from their parents too. She's very friendly (to EVERYONE - girls & guys alike) and some guys take that as an invite to be crude. It's not. >:-/

Oh gosh, I meant no offense at all.  I just meant some girls are more mature for their age and appear more like older teens, which might attract the attention of a guy differently, without realizing it.  I didn't mean weird, "come and get me" vibes, or anything like that!  Sorry if I didn't explain this well.  I have four girls, and they ranged a lot in maturity at that age.  One could have passed as an 18 year old probably at that age, in looks and maturity.  Another could have passed as a 12-year old.  But my daughter who appeared and acted older than her age maybe attracted attention that she didn't realize, because she was still only 14 and didn't have experience in that.  And of course any college senior who acted on that would be the creeps, not your daughter.

[Joker]

Schools and most churches require every door to have a window so that no two people are ever alone.

 

Cub scouts and girl scouts require two-deep leadership.

 

I'd leave a second child there to do homework or something (if there is one who could do that without disturbing) or bring work to do on my own while waiting. 

 

The OP has the equivalent of a window, though. She's sitting right out front where she can see and hear. I don't kid myself in thinking that when one of my dds goes in for extra help or to make up work at school that they are somehow more protected because of an open door or window. They are both alone at various times with male and female teachers. One of my dds is also very much alone with a therapist several times a month. Dds are both teens and we talk a lot about this stuff. I also know and trust those who they are spending alone time with or they wouldn't be there.

 

IDK, maybe I'm just weird but I think at some point you have to let go a bit. My dds will be out on their own before I know it and I don't want them completely unprepared to take care of themselves, read situations, or trust their guts.

[Tsuga]

FTR it is not considered child molesting if the "child" is 14.  I think most states put the threshold at 12 or maybe even 10.

 

Also, he's on notice because his friends / associates have already been making comments / signals indicating that they think he's "with" her.  I'm going to assume that's because she looks older than 14, which he must also have noticed.

 

Good point. However, it would be  statutory rape which is bad enough!

[Joker]

Yeah, I posted too quickly and was too brief.  At his age, we don't want him to be alone.  (He is not interested in dating yet anyway.)  He is developing friendships in the context of group activities.  As he gets to know some young women better, they won't be life-long friends but they won't be mere acquaintances either.   I didn't mean to imply chaperoned courtship.  But a slow easing into one-on-one dating with people he knows pretty well. 

 

I hope that made more sense. 

 

It does, but it may not happen that way. I didn't know my dh at all when we first met and started dating. I wanted no relationships with the boys I grew up knowing and being friends with. :tongue_smilie:

[justkeepswimming]

Oh gosh, I meant no offense at all. I just meant some girls are more mature for their age and appear more like older teens, which might attract the attention of a guy differently, without realizing it. I didn't mean weird, "come and get me" vibes, or anything like that! Sorry if I didn't explain this well. I have four girls, and they ranged a lot in maturity at that age. One could have passed as an 18 year old probably at that age, in looks and maturity. Another could have passed as a 12-year old. But my daughter who appeared and acted older than her age maybe attracted attention that she didn't realize, because she was still only 14 and didn't have experience in that. And of course any college senior who acted on that would be the creeps, not your daughter.

Thank you for the clarification. I feel better! 😊 yes, this dd presents as older. She's an old soul type. But she's very upfront about her age so that anyone who knows her is well aware that she's very young even if she doesn't really act like it. :)

[marbel]

It does, but it may not happen that way. I didn't know my dh at all when we first met and started dating. I wanted no relationships with the boys I grew up knowing and being friends with. :tongue_smilie:

 

Well, yeah, I know that too.   :001_smile:   I wouldn't necessarily expect him to marry someone he's known forever.  But we want to get him started with what we hope is a healthy protective philosophy regarding romantic relationships. 

 

I just know that when it comes to a he said/she said situation, people believe the woman over the man.   So I'd like to send my kid off into the world with a little protection against that, kwim?   Whether I actually can or not is something else again.

[Murphy101]

Well, yeah, I know that too. I wouldn't necessarily expect him to marry some girl he's known forever. But we want to get him started with what we hope is a healthy protective philosophy regarding romantic relationships.

 

I just know that when it comes to a he said/she said situation, people believe the woman over the man. So I'd like to send my kid off into the world with a little protection against that, kwim? Whether I actually can or not is something else again.

I get it. We are not at all courtship philosophy but aren't serial dating minded either. Raising young men these days is a trick tight wire to navigate. :(

[SKL]

Which is really frustrating to me, because I have seen parents request a switch out of a tumbling class, in a room with multiple adults present at all times and tons of windows, simply because the coach is male. I saw the same thing when DD had a male ballet teacher-in a studio with closed circuit TV so parents could watch.  And often those coaches are amazing. I suspect they have to be, to get hired at all. My DD always seems to do better with male coaches/dance teachers, too.

 

.

 

Wow, I take the opposite view.  I will go out of my way for my girls to have male coaches and other teachers/leaders.  I think roughly half of the coaches / extracurricular leaders they've had have been men.  Never had an issue of any sort.  If anything they seem a little better at keeping the kids calm and attentive, possibly because of their lower voices.

[Princess Ariel]

http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/story/26716444/mendota-heights-tennis-coach-charged-with-criminal-sexual-conduct

 

Saw this on the web a few times.  He is continuing to stalk her, etc.  It all started innocently.  I have just heard of way too many of these instances lately to completely trust that both would always have great judgement.  JMHO

 

ETA:

I mean any young people in these situations, not trying to judge your dd and the young man.

[Reefgazer]

DD's French tutor (an older woman who was 55 when we began tutoring with her) insists that a parent be home or present when she is teaching.  It's her blanket policy with everyone, so that she eliminates misunderstandings in this area.  Now that we've had her for a teacher for several years and have developed a hybrid teacher-friendship relationship, I've seen her ease up on this with us, but it is still her general policy with everyone else. 

 

To the bolded:  I guess both sexes have to deal with unfairness in this arena.  Parents have to talk with their daughters about avoiding rape and watching what they do, even though in a perfect world, rape wouldn't exist  and it certainly shouldn't be tied to girls' behavior.  And boys have to protect themselves from unfair accusations of rape/harassment and modify their behavior to guard against that.

I'm so divided on this.

Otoh, I'm a wife to an exemplary husband and the mother 7 sons. If this young man were MY son, I'd be at least mildly offended that someone would insinuate that simply bc he is a male, he should be treated with such criminal suspicion.

Otoh, I'm not stupid and know we live in a messed up world too. I know I can't ignore that and protect my sons at the same time. So if MY son, of any age, said he was giving private lessons to a female or a minor I would strongly advise him as to the possible legal hellhole nightmare he could be opening himself up to. And no one EVER thinks it would happen to them or suspects until way too late that the nice person, even a kid, they were not concerned about is actually totally psycho.

Is any of that fair? Nope. Is it sexist and wrong that men should have to plan like that? Nope. But it's true all the same.

So if it were my daughter, I might or might not drop her off. Idk. I know that the chances of nothing going wrong is tremendously higher than something questionable happening. I know being on the wrong end of a minority statistic is no comfort to those people.

 

[Joanne]

It seems to me that there are at least 2 different issues pending.

 

One issue comes from a perspective with elevated concern that issues may develop - either he is/will be inappropriate or that she will develop a crush. I don't tend to share this view, especially him being inappropriate. I am **much** more of an advocate on reacting to "gut" feelings, informed by knowing the signs and behavior of predators, than making assumptions based on gender, age, etc.

 

The other concern is that life in 2014 with regard to human interaction is that it is prudent, on a practical level, to protect everyone from accusation and legal harm by following reasonable protocol.

 

I would attend the sessions based on concern #2.

 

[Reefgazer]

I think the issue here is a minor girl with an adult man.  In a case like this, he is the predator and criminal if he tried anything with her.  The same rules don't apply to 2 minors or 2 adults that are consenting.

How does one date and get married if he is never alone with girls other than his sister and life-long friends? I just feel that kind of thinking is over the top.

 

[ErinE]

What a world we live in. As a mother of two boys, this makes me really sad.

 

 

OP, do what feels right.

I am a woman.

 

I taught dance at the YMCA. I've been a scout leader for 5+ years. I have volunteered for several child-focused organizations. In every position, all training, formal and informal, emphasized no one-on-one contact with children not my own.

 

It's for his protection now and in the future.

 

It stinks that this is the world we live in, but isn't increased awareness a good thing? In the past, predators got away with grooming behavior because he or she was a trusted leader, teacher, priest, minister, etc. These protections are in place to prevent such tragedies.

[Dmmetler]

I will also add-if I were this young man's college adviser, and found out that he was teaching minor students in his home, I'd rip him a new one-and make arrangements for him to use a college studio where there are a lot of other people around. Not because I don't trust him, but for the protection of the college. Pretty much any allegation of misbehavior will reflect badly on the school a student attends, and while there may be a "boys will be boys" attitude protecting fraternities or high profile sports teams, many college schools of music regularly have underage talented students coming into take lessons with students and faculty members. If one of our student teachers is accused, it won't matter if it happened outside of the university's supervision-it's going to be perceived as such.

 

 

 

[Farrar]

I see the need to protect from legal issues from an institutional context, but in this case, it seems like the OP and her dd trust this guy and the guy trusts them. The OP is nearby and checks in on them occasionally. I'm not sure what legal issues are possibly going to arise in this case. Unless the dd is likely to accuse him of something inappropriate, then he doesn't need protection, and if the parents trust him and don't feel they need actual protection from him potentially harassing her, then what's the point of being there for some perceived need to CYA? If he worked for a school or an organization, then THEY would need to CYA by possibly requiring that parents stick around. Beyond that who is going to care? If the dd applies to some music program or to college or the like, are they going to go, "Where were these lessons? He's awfully young? What was really going on?" I seriously doubt it.

[Farrar]

I will also add-if I were this young man's college adviser, and found out that he was teaching minor students in his home, I'd rip him a new one-and make arrangements for him to use a college studio where there are a lot of other people around. Not because I don't trust him, but for the protection of the college. Pretty much any allegation of misbehavior will reflect badly on the school a student attends, and while there may be a "boys will be boys" attitude protecting fraternities or high profile sports teams, many college schools of music regularly have underage talented students coming into take lessons with students and faculty members. If one of our student teachers is accused, it won't matter if it happened outside of the university's supervision-it's going to be perceived as such.

 

But he's an independent worker in this case. They have no oversight of him. Unless I'm misunderstanding, in which case, yes, I agree, the institution, to protect themselves, should stop him and provide the lesson space, but otherwise, it's not their concern.

[Farrar]

I am a woman.

 

I taught dance at the YMCA. I've been a scout leader for 5+ years. I have volunteered for several child-focused organizations. In every position, all training, formal and informal, emphasized no one-on-one contact with children not my own.

 

It's for his protection now and in the future.

 

It stinks that this is the world we live in, but isn't increased awareness a good thing? In the past, predators got away with grooming behavior because he or she was a trusted leader, teacher, priest, minister, etc. These protections are in place to prevent such tragedies.

 

But the statement that it's for his protection that an adult be there and that it's to stop him from being a predator are contradictory. I think it's probably true that he would be smart to require it and I think if he were working for any institution or organization that I completely understand why they would require it. But if the two parties are comfortable with the situation, then what's the point of someone sitting in for legal reasons?

[ErinE]

Just curious if people would answer the same way if the music teacher was female and the student male?

Yes. It's basic child protection practices.

[Seasider]

But he's an independent worker in this case. They have no oversight of him. Unless I'm misunderstanding, in which case, yes, I agree, the institution, to protect themselves, should stop him and provide the lesson space, but otherwise, it's not their concern.

Do you think that, in the event of an incident, the media would give it fair play? Or in the eyes of the public, would he be associated with the school? I understand the public relations worry this would cause the school.

 

Honestly, in addition to musical instruction skills, I hope that universities are including courses in responsibly managing a music instruction business.

[Tsuga]

Wow, I take the opposite view.  I will go out of my way for my girls to have male coaches and other teachers/leaders.  I think roughly half of the coaches / extracurricular leaders they've had have been men.  Never had an issue of any sort.  If anything they seem a little better at keeping the kids calm and attentive, possibly because of their lower voices.

 

Ditto here. They need good male role models.

[ErinE]

But the statement that it's for his protection that an adult be there and that it's to stop him from being a predator are contradictory. I think it's probably true that he would be smart to require it and I think if he were working for any institution or organization that I completely understand why they would require it. But if the two parties are comfortable with the situation, then what's the point of someone sitting in for legal reasons?

I didn't say he's likely a predator. I talked about awareness of grooming behavior being a good thing.

 

I personally think the likelihood of anything happening is small.

[kitten18]

I would have no problem with my daughter going in alone at that age, however if my son was the teacher I'd strongly discourage him from teaching in room where the door was closed and he was alone with a female student - not because I'm worried about my sons, but because even the perception of something going on can ruin a young man's life pretty quickly.

I agree.

[Farrar]

Do you think that, in the event of an incident, the media would give it fair play? Or in the eyes of the public, would he be associated with the school? I understand the public relations worry this would cause the school.

 

Honestly, in addition to musical instruction skills, I hope that universities are including courses in responsibly managing a music instruction business.

 

But you could say that about ANY bad behavior of ANY student at a school. He's a private teacher. They have no hold over him. For his advisor to ream him out over it as was suggested seems really inappropriate. Having resources to help students who are likely to become private music teachers navigate issues like this is a good idea. Yelling at adult grad students about things they do in their own time is not.

[Seasider]

But you could say that about ANY bad behavior of ANY student at a school. He's a private teacher. They have no hold over him. For his advisor to ream him out over it as was suggested seems really inappropriate. Having resources to help students who are likely to become private music teachers navigate issues like this is a good idea. Yelling at adult grad students about things they do in their own time is not.

I understand your point, but I personally think that some professionals-in-training are naturally going to be thrown into adult-minor interactive situations. Anything in education and medicine comes to mind. I think it's often a line fuzzy to general public perception in these cases. Yes, more cultural CYA, but something to be considered nonetheless.

[SKL]

I understand the comments that since nothing is happening and the gut feeling is good, there's no need to "protect" the guy.  Okay, but things sometimes develop slowly and unintentionally.  It isn't uncommon at all.  It doesn't mean anyone is a bad person; it's quite natural actually (the age difference is not that large if you take societal conventions out of the picture).  The setup where he is alone with her for a long-ish period of time is just not ideal.  But I would not want to say anything about it, because it would make someone feel accused and possibly plant ideas where they weren't already growing.

[wendyroo]

For those who firmly believe that children should not be alone with an unrelated teenager/adult, how do you handle babysitting?  Either someone babysitting your child or your older child acting as a babysitter?

 

Wendy

[TranquilMind]

If you and your family trust this young man, I would tell your friends and acquaintances to mind their own business.

 

He sounds like an excellent teacher, and quite frankly, I find it quite offensive that the people you know are judging him solely because he is male and based on that single fact, they assume he must be some sort of sex fiend. :glare:

 

Also, I think it's awful that they may also be surmising (even if they aren't saying it out loud to you) that your dd won't be able to control her own "urges" when she is alone with her teacher. :angry:

I agree with this.  He isn't just any male - and even if he is, not all of them are questionable.

He is a young man that all of you know, and who has demonstrated good character and teaching ability.

 

I'd tell people that I am comfortable with the situation, and if that changes, I will act. 

[TranquilMind]

DD's French tutor (an older woman who was 55 when we began tutoring with her) insists that a parent be home or present when she is teaching.  It's her blanket policy with everyone, so that she eliminates misunderstandings in this area.  Now that we've had her for a teacher for several years and have developed a hybrid teacher-friendship relationship, I've seen her ease up on this with us, but it is still her general policy with everyone else. 

 

To the bolded:  I guess both sexes have to deal with unfairness in this arena.  Parents have to talk with their daughters about avoiding rape and watching what they do, even though in a perfect world, rape wouldn't exist  and it certainly shouldn't be tied to girls' behavior.  And boys have to protect themselves from unfair accusations of rape/harassment and modify their behavior to guard against that.

I am surprised that a 55 year old woman feels that she needs to protect herself this way, though I can understand it in the case of younger women and men.  I guess it never would have occurred to me that a 55 year old woman would be likely to be accused of anything. 

[Joker]

For those who firmly believe that children should not be alone with an unrelated teenager/adult, how do you handle babysitting?  Either someone babysitting your child or your older child acting as a babysitter?

 

Wendy

 

I've been wondering this as well. I grew up babysitting as did my brothers. Sometimes the families who had one or more boys (and girls as well) would ask one of my brothers to babysit instead of my sister or I. None of us ever thought anything of it. I also had many a dad drive me home from sitting and, again, no one ever thought anything of it and nothing ever happened.

[Pippen]

I've been wondering this as well. I grew up babysitting as did my brothers. Sometimes the families who had one or more boys (and girls as well) would ask one of my brothers to babysit instead of my sister or I. None of us ever thought anything of it. I also had many a dad drive me home from sitting and, again, no one ever thought anything of it and nothing ever happened.

 

When I was a girl of about ten, I had a male babysitter who would come into my room at bedtime and steer the conversation into inappropriate territory, and then one night he "offered" to molest me. Thank God he didn't push it when I told him no. I never told my parents that I learned how babies were made from the babysitter.

 

So, no, I didn't utilize male babysitters in my home. Nor did I permit my teen sons to babysit--not because I don't trust them, but because I would never put them in a situation where they would be alone with a young girl.

 

I wouldn't allow my daughter to take lessons in a private home setting with a male teacher. I wouldn't put either of them in that situation.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I voted "No", but not for the reason you gave in the poll.  Again, as others have stated, even if I sensed no ill will on the part of the teacher, I would sit in.  If there were a front porch, then I would sit there, with the door open, so I could hear the lesson.  I would (as I do with my dd and her teacher) stick my nose in a book or my phone, or bring my knitting, or something to make me "not present in the lesson", but still present at the lesson.  

 

My brother was a teacher, and he has told me they are taught to always have their door propped open if they are alone with one or only a few students.  It just makes sense.

 

We had a male teacher who used to come to our house to give my two kids and my niece piano lessons.  I have an open floor plan, but we still managed to get some schoolwork done during lesson time.  Perhaps you could try bringing your sons into the house during the lesson, and sit at the table while dd has her lesson.  They do lessons at home while she practices, don't they?

[mathnerd]

I would never leave my child alone with an adult in a closed room for 30-45 minutes once a week. I sit through all my child's piano lessons unless he goes to a group theory lesson where there are a few kids in a room with glass walls. The teachers that teach my son piano are all very nice, decent, middle aged, caring and dedicated to teaching and love kids. I have even been a guest at my child's piano teacher's house and consider their family as friends. But, I will not leave him alone with any teacher. I bring my iPad and take notes of the lesson or answer my emails. Same for private lessons for martial arts, swimming etc. I will sit in an unobtrusive place within sight and do my work.

[Alessandra]

nm

[justkeepswimming]

Yikes. Ok. I've gotten plenty of feedback to make our decision and feel at peace with that decision. I would really like to let this thread die before it gets nasty and people are reading too much into every word I've said or making this kid's intentions anything other than strictly in good-guy mode.

 

There is zero flirting. Zero inappropriate discussion. Inviting us as a family to a music event at a college that we would not have otherwise have heard of - with world-class musicians performing is not a nefarious act. Whispering during a very quiet performer is polite and dd learned SO much from those experiences.

 

So I do request that this thread be allowed to move along with no further replies. I do not want it to blow up into anything that will cast shadows on either my dd or this young man.

 

I will be sitting in on future lessons because protecting him does make sense. Some of T's friends may begin taking lessons from him eventually and it is partially up to me to set the precedence here I suppose.

 

Pleas do not reply. 😠let the thread move along & die a natural death. Thank you again for the input from all sides. :)

[Reefgazer]

With her, it's not just protection from sexual misconduct accusations, but against any type of liability or endangerment accusations.  For example, early on, she wanted me to stay home while she tutored in our home.  She didn't want to be liable in case of say, a fire.  That made sense to me.

I am surprised that a 55 year old woman feels that she needs to protect herself this way, though I can understand it in the case of younger women and men.  I guess it never would have occurred to me that a 55 year old woman would be likely to be accused of anything. 

 

[mum]

Flip the scenario and think, would you like your young adult son to be teaching a female student without anyone else around? I wouldn't. He doesn't know what accusation might be made, and he has no protection from that. I have both sons and daughters and I don't recommend that either ds or dd (both young adults) be on their own with any one teen in a teacher/student setting. Both of my young adults teach and they both follow that principle. It's best for all, there's no downside, except mom's time and inconvenience (which I know can be considerable). But the years go by, and you won't regret those hours down the road. 

[Katy]

I'd go with your gut, especially if you're sure your daughter isn't interested in him and would stand up for herself if something inappropriate happened.

 

Having said that, when I was a teenager I knew some other girls who went to college early and ended up dating graduate students, and I mean a couple of 15 and 16 year olds dating 23 and 25 year olds.  Now this was in one of the states where the age of consent was 16, so one of them was not technically statutory rape, but the other situation definitely was. So it's not unreasonable to think an attraction could develop, or that it might be hidden from you. OTOH, sweet and nerdy boys aren't very likely to be predators IME.  If the thought of them developing an attraction is scary, it would be appropriate to go to the lessons with her now.  It's much harder to apply stricter boundaries retroactively.  Or you could just ask her, explain your concerns, and let her decide.  I think that's what I would do.  If his friends think she's attractive, and he's cute and attentive and they have a lot in common, there probably is some sort of attraction going on there. Personally I'd trust my daughter to decide about it.