The insidious nature of clutter guilt

[AMJ]

Well, I've really done it now; I've gone and worked myself into a state.

 

We got back recently from a trip to see far-flung family and friends.  My friend, C, sister of my heart, has recently made a break from a failed relationship.  She is out on her own now, with shared custody of their 16ya DD.  Her small apartment is quite spare (first out of necessity, and now, increasingly, out of a desire for simplicity), and there is a refreshing quality about that.

 

Visiting C and DD G was followed by a visit to Aunt P, whose house is as cluttered as my own.  Part of her clutter is her own, crafty lady that she is, but part is also her mother's furniture and possessions that are awaiting distribution to other family members.  Grandma J now resides in an assisted living place close to Aunt P, and so Aunt P gets to handle all and sundry for Grandma J.

 

DH and I both came back from the trip in the frame of mind to reduce our burden of stuff.  We've known for years that we have too much.  It just accumulates over the years, stuff we liked, stuff we needed at some point (or thought we did), stuff given to us as gifts or to "help us out".  As long as we have space to stash it out of the way it just keeps coming in. 

 

But it's hard to take care of, hard to keep clean, and in the way so much of the time.  Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.  But I have to be careful of how I go about getting rid of it, because intermingled with the mound of junk are scattered treasures, things so beloved but mislaid when things needed clearing.  And some of the stuff has lots of family baggage attached.

 

So I decided to start (this time) with my own clothes in my closet.  Things were going swimmingly for a while; I put to the side the clothes I wear the most regularly and started trying on anything I hadn't worn for a while.  Anything that didn't fit or I didn't like got put into the give-away pile.

 

Then I got to the items my kids gave me, the shirts DH printed for all of the family with his silk-screen kit, and -- massive guilt trip -- the lingerie.  Over the years DH has given me lingerie, things he thinks I will look good in.  Some yes, I do look good in them, or did back when they fit.  Some I bought myself because I liked them on me at the time.  Others, sorry -- no matter how much he likes them on me I don't like them, don't feel good in them.

 

Some I threw out because their elastic was deteriorating.  Some of those I felt guilty about because I did like them and they weren't cheap, but they got buried among others I didn't like, and were forgotten about.

 

Others I could clearly say I couldn't get into anymore and send them on their way.  After all, not only my size but my SHAPE has changed over the years.  Even if I trimmed down to get into them they won't look right.  I feel sad over my honeymoon trousseau, but I can let those go.  They are beautiful, but so wrong for my current shape.

 

But that leaves stuff DH has always liked that I do not, and still more clothing items I need help getting out of if they prove to be just a little too small.  I have now perplexed DH by texting him, asking for his help in finishing this task, and warning that I had a lot of guilt tied up in it.  I don't think he understands yet just how guilt-ridden I feel trying to complete this task.

 

My kids and I had a short discussion over lunch about how guilt-laden we can become over clutter.  Things were given to us by someone loved, who was so happy and eager to find such a nice present for us, and we didn't want to hurt their feelings by exchanging or returning the item.  Somethings we got because we liked them at one time, and might still do, though we seldom use or play with them anymore (busy with other things).  I told them about how guilty I felt for not appreciating the item itself when they gave me something not quite right, and how much I appreciated the thought put into it and how I wanted to avoid hurting their feelings by not letting on that it wasn't right for me.

 

They absolved me of my guilt over things they had given me, gave me their blessing to purge those things that weren't right, and agreed that we each and all will not feel hurt or upset from now on if something we give ends up not being as perfect as we thought it would be.  We discussed the time of year, and how good it could be to give nice things in good condition that we no longer want or need to the thrift shops, so that as the holidays approach people on a tight budget might find some treasures to get and give to someone they love.

 

But at the same time, I could see the reluctance to purge their own accumulated clutter that I have always felt.  And I realized:

 

There are memories tied up with each thing.

 

 

It's not enough to say let's take a picture and let the item go.  The picture doesn't have the smell, the tactile feel, the muscle memory tied to it.  It doesn't evoke the memories as thoroughly as touching the item again can, and pictures just get buried in the digital clutter on our computers and devices.  Our beloved memories of times cherished and fun had can't be distilled down to just images and perhaps a little sound.  When items can so strongly evoke moments from our past they are very hard to release back into the world.  I guess this is why it took so many years for me to be ready to get rid of certain things (waiting for the power of the item to evoke memories to fade), and why my kids, especially DD13, find it so hard to even think of giving some of their no-longer-used things away.  Keepsakes are kept for the sake of beloved memories.

 

And this, then, is likely why family "heirlooms" entrusted to me are still so important to my Dad, age 82 and living 1200 miles away.  I'm not allowed to get rid of them, and when I dare I need to be sneaky, and/or come up with good "reasons" (excuses he will accept) for doing so.  Some have been given to others, or donated for the benefit of specific charities of which I knew Dad would approve.  Some things, like his old Tonka trucks, I will likely hang onto until after he dies; he is that attached to the idea of them.  And when he does die, eventually, my dear sis and I will have our hands full clearing out his apartment, garage, hangar (yes, he still has a hangar, even though he got rid of his airplane), and storage unit of all of the things he could not let go of in life.

 

Contemplating that future task, and looking at my own amassed accumulation, has me wanting to purge, declutter, unload.  I understand now why my Aunt M would dispose of boxes unopened for 3 years -- if they weren't opened in that time the things inside must not be missed, and the memories and guilt can't take hold again if you don't open the box before tossing it out.  My uncle is still mad about things that are gone now, but he, too, at the time pushed unopened boxes to the curb.

 

Every time in the past that DH and/or I have managed a decluttering purge we felt the guilt at the time over getting rid of things still good, things given to us, things we were supposed to cherish, things we spent good money on and then didn't use all that much.  But we also felt the lightening of the burden, the relief, the room to breathe that came with that much less stuff.  There's always stuff that manages to stay, stuff for which the guilt is too strong, or the memories too vivid, or a collection of items so numerous we shudder at the level of the task and push it back again to tackle something less daunting.

 

I need to teach my kids how to healthily handle possessions, and the timely letting go of things so they don't reach this level of clutter guilt, this level of burden keeping things for the sake of the thing or the memory.  But first I have to figure it out for myself, look to the uncluttered or recently decluttered among people I know, visit with them, learn their stories and methods that worked for them.  First I have to learn how to emotionally let go of stuff, so I can then help my own kids learn.

 

You know, somehow clutter feels like a form of abuse which we inflict upon ourselves, an abuse we need to learn to recognize before we can then deny it and rob it of its power to hurt us anymore.  Perhaps I need to consider abuse-recovery tactics and strategies in figuring out how to stop this endless cycle.

 

Ah, well.  I did work myself into a state, didn't I?

 

Any thoughts, anyone?

[PrairieSong]

My mother was like that, sentimental about everything. Both she and my dad felt it was wrong to give away anything someone had given you as a gift. Occasionally she would give clothing to a thrift store. The house did not look like Hoarders, but the closets, drawers, and basement were packed. She gave a lot of presents to people but when she found a "bargain" she bought extra. She had a shopping addiction.

 

Now Mom has been gone several years and we are still cleaning out her "bargains". Dad still lives there but he is in his 80's and doesn't have energy to clean out anything. I live a few hours away. We chip away at it.

 

I don't want to do this to my kids. It's not fair to them. I don't want to live in clutter, even clutter that is hidden behind closet doors.

 

About your memories...how important are they really, if items are hidden under a pile of other clutter? As you are going through stuff, you will likely find things you haven't seen in years. Were you really missing it, or had you not thought about that particular item in ages? If not, how is it really different if you just get rid of it? You weren't using it or looking at it anyway.

 

You say the memories are in the thing, but they are really not. They are inside you. They are still your memories.

 

I would rather live in an uncluttered home now, and make good memories for my family today, rather than have them remember home as a place that was full of piles of stuff.

[carriede]

Never mind. Sorry. Eep.

 

Hugs!!!

[Amira]

I really like what you have to say here. I agree items hold memories and that photos aren't the same for everyone. There's definitely a lot of guilt that can be tied up with getting rid of stuff.

 

I can be a sentimental person and keepsakes are important to me, but I think there's a big difference between clutter and cherished items. I've kept a few of the baby clothes by boys wore even though it's completely impractical for me to haul them around the world, but I needed to keep a few things because of the memories those clothes have. But if I kept boxes of their old clothes, they would be clutter and weigh me down. The happy memories would get buried because I would have to deal with too much stuff to remind me of good times.

 

One of my sons has a much harder time getting rid of things and paring down than the other two, so he moves more stuff than his brothers do. But over time, he's been able to donate some things, to save just one item of a collection, toss things that are falling apart, or write about the memories some things have. And he's always glad in the end that he did it because he can more easily see the things he really cares about when he doesn't have so much stuff.

 

In the end, decluttering for me is about getting rid of what is keeping me from focusing on what is most important.

[Seasider]

I dread having to go through my elders' copious "sentimental" possessions, and I do not want my kids to have to weed through junk at my home. I feel pretty strongly about that and as we approach the empty nest years, I find myself happily parting with stuff.

 

To every thing there is a season. I remember and love those seasons. But being ruled by stuff and time spent managing stuff are not the way I want to live.

[AMJ]

I really like what you have to say here. I agree items hold memories and that photos aren't the same for everyone. There's definitely a lot of guilt that can be tied up with getting rid of stuff.

 

I can be a sentimental person and keepsakes are important to me, but I think there's a big difference between clutter and cherished items. I've kept a few of the baby clothes by boys wore even though it's completely impractical for me to haul them around the world, but I needed to keep a few things because of the memories those clothes have. But if I kept boxes of their old clothes, they would be clutter and weigh me down. The happy memories would get buried because I would have to deal with too much stuff to remind me of good times.

 

One of my sons has a much harder time getting rid of things and paring down than the other two, so he moves more stuff than his brothers do. But over time, he's been able to donate some things, to save just one item of a collection, toss things that are falling apart, or write about the memories some things have. And he's always glad in the end that he did it because he can more easily see the things he really cares about when he doesn't have so much stuff.

 

In the end, decluttering for me is about getting rid of what is keeping me from focusing on what is most important.

 

Nicely said, and what your son is doing, keeping just one item of a collection and writing about the memories, sounds like tactics I can use.  I spoke with my kids this afternoon about how I was thinking of giving away some of my doll collection (amassed mostly on my behalf by my parents when I was just a toddler), and keeping only the ones I hold most dear.  Also, NaNoWriMo is coming up and I need fodder for my yearly attempt at 50,000 words.  Perhaps this year's theme for me should be on the memories, the items making up the clutter, and all associated free-range thoughts that may come out.  Thanks for the ideas.

[AMJ]

My mother was like that, sentimental about everything. Both she and my dad felt it was wrong to give away anything someone had given you as a gift. Occasionally she would give clothing to a thrift store. The house did not look like Hoarders, but the closets, drawers, and basement were packed. She gave a lot of presents to people but when she found a "bargain" she bought extra. She had a shopping addiction.

 

Now Mom has been gone several years and we are still cleaning out her "bargains". Dad still lives there but he is in his 80's and doesn't have energy to clean out anything. I live a few hours away. We chip away at it.

 

I don't want to do this to my kids. It's not fair to them. I don't want to live in clutter, even clutter that is hidden behind closet doors.

 

About your memories...how important are they really, if items are hidden under a pile of other clutter? As you are going through stuff, you will likely find things you haven't seen in years. Were you really missing it, or had you not thought about that particular item in ages? If not, how is it really different if you just get rid of it? You weren't using it or looking at it anyway.

 

You say the memories are in the thing, but they are really not. They are inside you. They are still your memories.

 

I would rather live in an uncluttered home now, and make good memories for my family today, rather than have them remember home as a place that was full of piles of stuff.

 

Regarding what I bolded -- no, the memories are not in the thing.  But they are embodied by the thing ofttimes, and more easily accessed, more alive again, when touching, holding, feeling, smelling that which is associated with the memories.  I think this is at the core of my family's difficulties in letting things go, and why my dad (with decades-old brain injury) is so adamant things be kept.

 

[PrairieSong]

I dread having to go through my elders' copious "sentimental" possessions, and I do not want my kids to have to weed through junk at my home. I feel pretty strongly about that and as we approach the empty nest years, I find myself happily parting with stuff.

 

To every thing there is a season. I remember and love those seasons. But being ruled by stuff and time spent managing stuff are not the way I want to live.

This is exactly how I feel.

[PrairieSong]

Regarding what I bolded -- no, the memories are not in the thing. But they are embodied by the thing ofttimes, and more easily accessed, more alive again, when touching, holding, feeling, smelling that which is associated with the memories. I think this is at the core of my family's difficulties in letting things go, and why my dad (with decades-old brain injury) is so adamant things be kept.

 

I understand what you're saying, I think. There's nothing wrong with holding onto some sentimental items. I have some. Probably most of us do. It becomes a problem when the amount of stuff hinders today's living. I don't want to get to that point. I want to be very far from getting to that point.

 

I have saved some handmade baby blankets, some fabric from my mom and my sister (both gone) to make into a memory quilt or throw, and I have quite a few books. I have a few toys from my childhood. Most of these things are in bins in my storage room. The books are shelved. As long as it isn't taking up my time to sort, dust, move around, or keep us from using our home, it's not a problem for me.

[skimomma]

My mom is a borderline hoarder.  It is not as bad as it is on TV but it does limit how she can use her space and her ability to clean it.  It gets worse with age.  Having grown up in a cluttered house, I was adamant that I would not let clutter rule me.  Yet, when I first started out, I found a "need" to accumulate more than I needed.  If something was on sale, was a gift, was from some special event, etc....  It was not until I was out of the house for a few years before I started to recognize how awful my mom's house truly was.  That scared me a bit.  That I did not even recognize it when I lived there.  I did not see the difference between my house and regular people's.  Once it fully sunk in, I changed my ways and became ruthless about things....both keeping them and acquiring them to begin with.  It was emotionally hard and still is sometimes.  The guilt does slip in once in a while.  Fast forward to a few years ago when we had to clean my mom's house out to prepare her to move to senior living.  Wow.  I will never do that to my kid.  It was a HUGE job, often quite disgusting, and an emotional nightmare for my mom.  We simply could not put all of her belongings into her new space.  Despite trying our best to help her pare down (we are talking dumpster upon dumpster), she still retained so much stuff that her new place is cluttered and claustrophobic.  I worry she will have trouble walking around as she ages and she already cannot clean her place well due to the stuff.  And it keeps coming in.

 

I always do an extra bang-up job of cleaning my house and reducing what little clutter might have crept in before my mom comes to visit in hopes that she will "see the light."  But I know there is no point (other than enjoying a nicely cleaned house) because she simply does not see the problem with her house. She sees no difference from her house and regular people's houses.

 

All that said to say that perhaps the guilt you feel about each object would be less than the guilt of burdening family members with cleaning it up and having to visit in it.  I know in our case, we visit less often than we would if my mom's house did not cause us such distress.  

 

I do believe you can retrain yourself to see things as just "things."  There will always be some guilt but I do think it lessens with practice.

[Ausmumof3]

You don't have to declutter. But if all those memories from the past are limiting you from making happy memories now it might be time. Remember the rule is if you don't love it... So if you love it you can keep it. But if looking at it doesn't make you love it just let it go and let go of the guilt.

[Tanaqui]

My mother and father both suffered from compulsive hoarding. It's a heritable trait, I do believe. Don't make yourself feel too bad about having clutter to get rid of. It's not a character trait, it's at least partially biological.

[Guest]

AMJ, first ((((hugs)))). This is an amazingly difficult issue, I know. The book I am writing is about clutter and dieting from our stuff, yet I do have moments when all of the problems you mention bring me down.

 

First, let me remind you that all of the clutter that is not terribly hard to face and purge is at least making a dent in the overall excess. So, there is something to feel good about.

 

Second, the things you talked about with your kids are commendable; it is sooo good of them to hear that you will not indebt their futures to the stuff which *you* think *should* be meaningful to them. If only many of us did not have such psychological pressure placed upon us by our parents, friends and other relatives.

 

Third, When the difficulty is that you spent good money on this Widget, and it's not that great, actually, just remember this is a sunk cost. You cannot reverse the money spent now. And things are fallible; they age, they don't always live up to what we hoped for them.

 

Fourth, the clothes your DH gave you which you don't want or like now - most could go. It does not surprise me if he doesn't understand why you are struggling over some lacey underware. ;) Imagine what would happen if a fire burned up all those outfits - what would be your primary emotion? Sorrow? Or relief?

 

Fifth, when objects have a deep emotional meaning attached, it is time to get judicious relative to how much stuff we're talking, whether we have little or lots of storage space, and how difficult or easy it is to replicate the experience of the thing. So, if you have a large cedar chest that Grandpa made, and a tiny 860 sq. ft. Apartment, this is a time when, realistically, you need to take a photo and send the chest to someone who can use it, someone with way more space than you have. OTOH, if you live in a 3,500 sq. ft. House, with attic space and a basement, and you are trying to decide whether or not to keep a tote full of Halloween costumes you hand-made for your kids when they were little, probably nothing will be hurt by keeping it. (true story from my own life.)

 

Sixth, I do think we should all be considering what we have and how much of a job we could potentially be leaving for our kids to cope with. My own parents have a stuffed house. The probability that wonderful things could be chucked along with the needless one future day is high. Nobody will realize that this tea cup was Great-Grandma's and she brought it over from Ireland when she immigrated here, KWIM, as we sort through gobs of glassware that means nothing at all. My parents have pieces of Rookwood Pottery, which she has been careful to remind me is worth some money in the collector's market. Well, if this is true, it would make more sense to sell it to a collector now, when the proceeds could come to some worthwhile good, rather than keep squirreling it away in the cob-webbed cabinet. When we have the unhappy task of liquidating my parents' goods, are any of us going to care about finding a dealer who wants to throw a couple bills our way for that old ceramic? Or is it much more probable that those ceramics will just head off to Goodwill with a bunch of other clutter?

 

Recently, as I wandered around the Goodwill, I saw hundreds of Boyd's Bears and also Ashton Drake Dolls, still in their boxes. How much do you bet this was somebody's mother's collections, now stuck unceremoniously in the Goodwill? How sad! Beautiful dolls and stuffed bears that could have brought pleasure to somebody, but they were left in their moldering boxes as part of a "collection," one that some unfortunate adult child no doubt inherited from Ma's overstuffed estate. I do not want this to be the "purpose" of anything I am keeping: to stay stuffed in my house until I die, at which time my overwrought loved ones can't deal with any solution but the easiest - throw it all out.

 

Good luck in your journey. Remember what is important.

[Maplinmum]

I get where you are coming from as I too come from a family of packrats but I also have benefited from the same family.

I have 2 beautiful antique dolls because my Grandmother kept her dolls from when she was a little girl, I have photos and mementos from 3 generations of my family including a 100+ year old baby gown and cloak now framed and displayed because people kept things that were't intrinsically valuable at the time but obviously held memories. When we went through my Grandmother's big box of stuff we found the handwritten newsletter that the troops had made on the ship going to the Boer war that her father had kept, he would never of guessed that a bit of trivia like that would one day end up in a museum.

So I believe in decluttering but don't be ruthless, someone in the future may enjoy your memories too and if you can, put some on display so that you can see them and enjoy the memories they bring.

 

[AmyontheFarm]

This morning I took a minivan full of things to our local Bible for Missions thrift store.  It felt so great to be able to  give it away.  The sad part is you wouldn't know that we gave a van load away.  I've been talking with the kids about decluttering, it makes my dd nervous.  So, I walk carefully with her.  My son was willing to get rid of anything that wasn't nerf, lego, magnetics or snap circuits.  I made him put half of it back into his room.  Sigh.  My ultimate goal is to be like that woman who invested so much of herself into other people that when they packed up her stuff after she died, it all fit into that trunk of a car.

 

 

[lewelma]

I would suggest you come up with a number.  You will keep 10 shirts, 5 skirts, 10 pairs of shoes (or whatever) to wear.  Then make a keepsake box - *one* box for your personal items.  The items you want to keep must fit in the box, and if they don't you need to prioritize and only keep the most important.  It just seems to me that you need to have clear cut, measurable goals; 'de-cluttering' is not measurable.

 

As for clothing, I had a reasonably fashionable but understanding friend come and help me go through my closet.  Sometimes you need someone else's more logical perspective to help you avoid emotional decisions.

 

Ruth in NZ

[texasmama]

Oh, honey, yes!  I understand.  (((hugs)))

 

I just went through my dead mother's photo albums and ripped them up, keeping what I want and discarding the rest.  My mother is in heaven and in my heart.  She is not in a photo album, therefore, she is not in the trash.  I also put a jacket of my grandmothers in the Goodwill stack that I have kept for over ten years since she passed away.  It is not my size or style.  It does not even particularly remind me of her.  I cannot keep it any longer.  I wear her wedding ring 24/7.  If I lost every other thing I ever had of my MIma's, that ring would still represent her.

 

(I also just gave away some lingerie that the elastic was degrading on.)

 

ETA:  My mother took copious pictures, and she was a terrible photographer.  No one ever needed 40 pictures of my cousin's third birthday party.  No one needs three albums of places in Paris she visited.

[BarbecueMom]

Of all the difficulties of multigenerational living, this has been one of the biggest issues. My mom didn't fully realize until moving in last year that I don't tie memories to objects. At all. Surrounding herself with things that belonged to late relatives or that were given to her is her "thing", and I can tell she feels heartbroken and likely a bit judged that I've gone completely in the other direction.

 

I sort of get it. When you are broke and raising kids on your own, maybe valuable things around the house keep you from feeling like you are all alone and have nothing. But she never cared if anything was clean or tidy or cluttered. I'm here all day and I do care if things are clean and organized, more than I care about having a relationship with a never-met, long dead great-grandparent by owning their kitchen gadget that hasn't worked in fifteen years.

 

Sorry, that came out a bit bitter. It's been a rough night on that front.

[Happy]

I love reading Julie Morganstern when I'm decluttering. Her book about getting rid of clutter from the inside out is one of my all time favorite books.

 

 

[DesertBlossom]

I feel like I do a pretty good job of getting rid of things we aren't using and not getting too attached to stuff. Secretly, I want to live a minimalist lifestyle. But DH pointed out that one the rich can afford to live a minimalist lifestyle because they can afford to replace things they decide they needed after they threw them out. :) Much of what we have is stuff we use, even if rarely, or clothes or toys I'm waiting to hand down to a younger child, etc.

 

My mom (who passed away last year) has a number of antiques from her mom and grandmothers and I hope to someday have some of it.  While I'm not particularly sentimental, there's something about holding a butter mold in my hand that belonged to my great great grandmother and feeling a connection with a woman whose life has influenced mine even though we've never met.  Also I'm am much more inclined to be sentimental about something handmade. My mother's baby quilt was hand stitched by my grandmother and that has so much more meaning to me than "coming home" outfit my baby wore from the hospital that was purchased at store, you know?

[fairfarmhand]

Would journaling about these things help?

 

In my world, a written memory would be more powerful than a simple photo and much more likely to be revisited in the future.A memory journal is something that will be cherished long after the "stuff" has gone away.

 

In fact, I am now inspired.

 

Each child is going to write a journal page about each "special" Christmas gift this year.

[PrairieSong]

I feel like I do a pretty good job of getting rid of things we aren't using and not getting too attached to stuff. Secretly, I want to live a minimalist lifestyle. But DH pointed out that one the rich can afford to live a minimalist lifestyle because they can afford to replace things they decide they needed after they threw them out. :) Much of what we have is stuff we use, even if rarely, or clothes or toys I'm waiting to hand down to a younger child, etc.

 

My mom (who passed away last year) has a number of antiques from her mom and grandmothers and I hope to someday have some of it. While I'm not particularly sentimental, there's something about holding a butter mold in my hand that belonged to my great great grandmother and feeling a connection with a woman whose life has influenced mine even though we've never met. Also I'm am much more inclined to be sentimental about something handmade. My mother's baby quilt was hand stitched by my grandmother and that has so much more meaning to me than "coming home" outfit my baby wore from the hospital that was purchased at store, you know?

Family heirlooms aren't clutter in my world! My great grandmother's sampler that she stitched when she was a girl (I never knew her) is hanging on my wall. We have FIL's baby quilt made by friends of his mother, with their stitched signatures. We also have FIL's letters that he wrote when he was serving in the military during the Korean War.

 

And I completely agree about the handmade things.

[Carol in Cal.]

I tend to keep things.  Sample quote from DH early on:  "Carol, you still have everything you've ever OWNED!"

 

Two things helped me stop more or less.  Well, maybe three.  One was raising our daughter in a house that was really too small for us.  We just had to have room for her, and if we bought a bigger home I would not have been able to stay home.  So it was worth it to purge.  Another was that a local church has a semi-annual clothing and gift exchange, and so I started to think that the stuff I let go might be able to be replaced.  That was HUGE, since I'm fairly frugal.  And lastly, I developed a question for myself--do I want this stuff or do I want the space MORE?

 

The fact is, I want beauty and order in my life, and although I'm not there yet, I will get there.  And a big part of that will be letting things go.

[Guest]

This is a totally pointless comment, but I have read the subject line on this about 30 times, and it always comes up "....glitter cult."  

 

I totally want to agree.  

 

[Guest]

This is a totally pointless comment, but I have read the subject line on this about 30 times, and it always comes up "....glitter cult."

 

I totally want to agree.

Yes, Bedazzled jeans...they really need to go.

[MiMi 4under3]

Well, you've already made good progress by tackling your clothing.  :hurray:

 

Keep going in another area of the house, perhaps in the kitchen, or with kids' toys. Stop when you feel you've reached a limit and can't cull anymore. Take a break. Move on to another area. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Over the course of the year, after the 2nd, 3rd... 10th pass, you'll be down to the bare essentials.

 

And don't allow guilt to force you to keep stuff (heirlooms, keepsakes, etc). It's just stuff. "When in doubt, throw it out!"

 

I'm sorry I don't have more practical advice and I'm sorry if I come across as cold, but I de-clutter ruthlessly. Even my great-grandmother's handmade lace doilies. I hadn't used them ever in 15 years, so out they went. What's the point? I still remember her - doilies or not.

[HS Mom in NC]

I believe memories naturally fade for a reason: humans need them to fade so they can move on. Keeping stuff as a shrine substitute so memories won't fade is unnatural to me. Most of humanity has had far fewer objects and managed to live wonderful fulfilling lives without memory clutter.  Did their memories fade?  Of course.  They're supposed to-it's just part of the human experience.

 

If you still want to preserve the memories a photo alone won't do the job for most people. Go through items one at a time and let it bring back the vivid memory: 

 

1) Write down in a notebook which item it is and write enough notes to remember the most important details you want to keep of the memory. Take your time.  Be specific. Err on the side of too many notes as opposed to not enough. Note all the images, feelings, smells, phrases, people, songs, times, tastes, tactile and any other associations, memories and stories that come to mind.  Don't move on until you've exhausted every last bit of the memory and put down something in writing refers to it each aspect of it.

2) Photograph the item.

3) Send the item to donate or throw away or resell or whatever. 

4) When everything has been gone through, print out each photo to put in a nice memory book/journal and using your notes, write or type out the memory in as much detail as you can. Take as much space as you need. Leave extra space in case you think of something later.  Attach the photo to it. There are online options for uploading photos and text and having them put into a hard bound book that the company mails you.   One single book of memories takes far less space and is much easier to look through than a house full of or a room full of stuff. 

 

5) Put the book on your shelf to browse through at your leisure.  Your kids and grand kids may want those memories in the future.

[Cammie]

I agree that it is a process...not a one time purge.

 

What I have found when I started decluttering a few years ago is you can only do so much...and then you are overwhelmed.

 

A month later when we returned to the same room...we got a little farther.

 

And so on and so on.

 

Now, when it is time to "clean out" my DDs room....there really isn't much we have to address...just an hour or so and we are done.

 

So, it is a process, a lifestyle. And it does get easier.  Give yourself time.

[elfgivas]

what helped me was the idea that i had things that could bless someone else.

 

i have ten pair of shoes, and someone has none.  i could bless them with a pair thru the local thrift store.  

 

i can pass the blessing on; that works for me. 

 

fwiw,

ann

[rebbyribs]

What helps me is having an idea of how much space I want to devote for each sort of thing.  So I have, say, a shelf for cookbooks, and it holds my favorite cookbooks.  If I'm given more cookbooks, I'll look through them and make a few recipes to figure out if I like them better than the ones already on my shelf.  If so, one of the ones I don't use so much anymore will get passed on to the Free Bookstore.  I know that shelf holds plenty of great recipes for my family, and I can always look recipes up on the internet if I don't have a recipe for something I want to try making.  Likewise, I have a drawer for shirts.  If it's starting to get stuffed full, I'll take them all out, and start putting back just my favorites until the drawer is full, but not overstuffed.  I know that drawer contains enough shirts for more than a week without doing laundry,

[MiMi 4under3]

Also, I've read that holding onto too many items related to old memories, prevents new memories from being created. The energy stagnates. You need to release those items of the past to make new memories in the present and future.

[Guest]

Also, I've read that holding onto too many items related to old memories, prevents new memories from being created. The energy stagnates. You need to release those items of the past to make new memories in the present and future.

Yes, I agree completely!

[AMJ]

I understand what you're saying, I think. There's nothing wrong with holding onto some sentimental items. I have some. Probably most of us do. It becomes a problem when the amount of stuff hinders today's living. I don't want to get to that point. I want to be very far from getting to that point.

 

I have saved some handmade baby blankets, some fabric from my mom and my sister (both gone) to make into a memory quilt or throw, and I have quite a few books. I have a few toys from my childhood. Most of these things are in bins in my storage room. The books are shelved. As long as it isn't taking up my time to sort, dust, move around, or keep us from using our home, it's not a problem for me.

 

My Dad's problem is EVERYTHING apparently has sentimental value.  Part of this is his upbringing: farming family, Great Depression -- whatever you had was kept until it could no longer be patched, mended, rebuilt, or repurposed.  Part of it, I suspect, is his brain injury from 1992 (things can be sensory cues to help access memories).  And part of it is sheer, cussed stubbornness.  He still holds onto things from my childhood (and my brother's and sister's), refuses to give them up, and trots out the old saw about how he could only bring so many things with him when the farm was sold and he brought our stuff (yada yada guilt trip, yada yada poor him, etc.)

 

He was mad at my Mom until the day she died because she had the nerve to divorce him (decades ago), and yet he has been adamant that her wedding dress be saved.  I, my sister, and my kids will NEVER wear the tiny thing, and it has been boxed up for 52 years.

 

Well, my wedding dress (not a wedding gown, just a white dress I chose) and my Mom's boxed wedding gown are now slated for donation.  And I just sent a laundry basket of clothing on to my SIL for her to look through.

 

I also purged more than half of my cookbooks (this is a BIG deal for bookophile me) and sent them to MIL to peruse and choose from.  I now have less than 2 shelves of cookbooks, with room to spare for the 3 new cookbooks I just ordered.  (*sheepish grin* -- but they are on the very necessary dietary changes I need to adopt now).  After I wrap my head around certain cooking tactics I can likely let go of several more cookbooks. 

 

Given that its becoming increasingly clear to me that my kids will never share my fascination with anthropology and archaeology I will likely start purging some of that collection soon.  I know from past experience that where these books are concerned I make more progress purging a few at a time, mixed in with other stuff.  Put a bunch of them in a box together and somehow they won't make it out of the door.

 

The big mess, however, is the dozens of boxes of papers I've accumulated over the years.  Whenever I needed to clear flat space stuff would go into a box to be sorted "later".  Unfortunately, there are just enough photos or important documents scattered through these boxes, since nothing inside is actually filed or divided into groups.  So I've come up with a piecemeal plan to address these, knowing some of the stuff will stick around for quite some time:

 

First are the kids' school papers from their days in brick & mortar schools, and last year (our first homeschooling year).  I don't feel I can get rid of these wholesale yet since some might be needed for evaluations or transcripts.  I have them sorted into different boxes, divided by child and school year, but they don't actually fill the boxes.  I'm going to buy the bulky item storage bags I've seen and use those to package up the school papers.  I can keep things divided by child and school year, seal the papers against spiders and bugs, mark on the bags, and stuff them in the garage attic.

 

This will then clear the access to the file cabinets, stuffed full of papers.  I'll sort through those, tossing some into recycling and putting others into a "burn box" (to be taken to DH's folks' place to burn on their burn pile), and keep only the important files, such as recent-year financial records, mortgage papers and birth/death certificates.

 

Once these file drawers are mostly empty I can then tackle the remaining boxes of papers, sorting out things to keep (family records and old files) and identifying what can go in recycling and what must be burned.  I have a paper shredder, but the sheer accumulation of papers is more than I want to run through it.  It will be faster and more efficient to burn them by the boxful.

 

Once all of that is done (and it will likely take months) I can revisit the school papers.  By then I might have a better sense of what can be gotten rid of and what really should be saved from each year.

 

I think these boxes of papers are the "seeds" that encourage so much of the clutter, at least for me.  The mentality is there to just stuff things away in boxes to get them out of the way.  If I can purge these boxes and have assigned places for all papers then I think it will be easier to do the same with other, 3-dimensional stuff.  Besides, in sorting through the boxes of papers I will likely find some boxes of other things, too.

 

I think I will not worry about my kids' clutter, at least not for now.  Until I get my own under control (and DH does the same, which he freely states he needs to do, too) it would be too much like not practicing what I preach.

 

At least right now I can get a little more accomplished, while I have some momentum.  I'm just a little chagrined that one of the 4 books I just bought happens to be on decluttering....  :D

 

Hey, I just got rid of dozens of books, so buying 4 new ones isn't all that bad, now is it?

[AMJ]

All that said to say that perhaps the guilt you feel about each object would be less than the guilt of burdening family members with cleaning it up and having to visit in it.  I know in our case, we visit less often than we would if my mom's house did not cause us such distress.  

 

I do believe you can retrain yourself to see things as just "things."  There will always be some guilt but I do think it lessens with practice.

 

I do so totally get that (at least the rational part of my brain does), and that's what keeps me going back to decluttering over and over again.  Every time I do there's that much improvement, and usually I'm making another stab at it before I've filled up again the space that I've "cleared".  Over time there is improvement (and my MIL apparently even thought my house was pretty clean and organized this last time we went on vacation and they came in to care for the pets and plants).

 

A large part of the angst I'm facing is that the bulk of what remains is actually stuff I've boxed up and lugged about for decades, old baggage I've "avoided" dealing with for all of this time because it was easier to shove it aside and ignore it.  But while I'm dealing with all of this in repeated bouts there's a part of my brain watching in bemusement, analyzing the possible causes, effects, family dynamics -- everything about how this all came to be and what does it take to truly make the mental shift to stop it.

 

Which is why the idea that clutter like this could be a form of self-abuse we inflict on ourselves popped into my head.  I see so many similarities with effects, rationalizations, excuses, pressure, guilt -- the sort of insidious garbage involved in abuse I've witnessed in my life.  I'm not sure, but this might be the key concept I need to knock myself out of the mental habits that have developed over the decades.  If it is I might be in for a bout of massive anger ahead, anger at the clutter, anger at the family generations that fell prey/fed this for so long, and anger at myself for letting it persist.  At least if that kicks in I can:

• come to these forums to vent!
• kick myself in the pants and PURGE.

And NaNoWriMo is coming up, so I can write write write, too!

 

Hmm, I'm starting to look forward to having a bonfire of old papers.  "I consign you to the flames.  BUUUURRNNN!"  (drat, no devil-face icon....)

[AMJ]

Sticking responses in in bolded italics:

AMJ, first ((((hugs)))).  Thank you!  This is an amazingly difficult issue, I know. The book I am writing is about clutter and dieting from our stuff, yet I do have moments when all of the problems you mention bring me down.  I had a sneaky feeling others here could empathize.  We have a large and diverse community!

First, let me remind you that all of the clutter that is not terribly hard to face and purge is at least making a dent in the overall excess. So, there is something to feel good about.  Yup, it is.  But I've been harvesting the easy wins like these for years, and so the bulk of my clutter that remains is the more difficult stuff.

Second, the things you talked about with your kids are commendable; it is sooo good of them to hear that you will not indebt their futures to the stuff which *you* think *should* be meaningful to them. If only many of us did not have such psychological pressure placed upon us by our parents, friends and other relatives.  Thank you.  I'm trying to understand where this "stinkin' thinkin'" comes from in my family, and what social factors have encouraged it over the years and the generations.  It is an interesting social phenomenon to ponder.

Third, When the difficulty is that you spent good money on this Widget, and it's not that great, actually, just remember this is a sunk cost. You cannot reverse the money spent now. And things are fallible; they age, they don't always live up to what we hoped for them.  Very true.  We have the mixed blessing of being more affluent than our parents' generation, while being close enough generation-wise to still have the echoes of their pain and fear of wasted dollars.  The sunk money doesn't hurt us as much as it would have back during the family's hard times, so it is easier to buy for the moment.  We are still trained, however, to go for quality and durability.  "They don't make things like they used to," refers to how less lasting many things seem to be nowadays.  But those truly durable items that are "still good" often become obsolete, or we simply no longer need them.  Part of DH's clutter that he has been working on is "old" computer parts (I remember when the idea that anything, other than food, that was 5 years old was "old" seemed preposterous).  Deliberate obsolescence seems a modern curse, and yet it is one factor that does prompt us to discard at least some things periodically.

Fourth, the clothes your DH gave you which you don't want or like now - most could go. It does not surprise me if he doesn't understand why you are struggling over some lacey underware. ;) Imagine what would happen if a fire burned up all those outfits - what would be your primary emotion? Sorrow? Or relief?  When notified of my angst over these he promptly told me to get rid of anything I did not want to keep.  When he got home he promptly pulled out a couple of things that he particularly liked on me, but knew I did NOT want to wear, and told me to get rid of them.  However, when he heard I was going to Walmart for some needed items he trotted out his usual "get something I'll like" with a devilish smiley.  NO!  :glare:   We will be "shopping" the remaining stuff we both like and putting THAT to use again!

Fifth, when objects have a deep emotional meaning attached, it is time to get judicious relative to how much stuff we're talking, whether we have little or lots of storage space, and how difficult or easy it is to replicate the experience of the thing. So, if you have a large cedar chest that Grandpa made, and a tiny 860 sq. ft. Apartment, this is a time when, realistically, you need to take a photo and send the chest to someone who can use it, someone with way more space than you have. OTOH, if you live in a 3,500 sq. ft. House, with attic space and a basement, and you are trying to decide whether or not to keep a tote full of Halloween costumes you hand-made for your kids when they were little, probably nothing will be hurt by keeping it. (true story from my own life.)  The sheer size of some "heirlooms" has certainly made it easier to send them onward in the past at our house.  Unfortunately, such things (and stuff from our childhood) is what fills Dad's storage unit (LARGE), garage, and closets.  3 decades of non-climate-controlled storage is causing many of them to deteriorate to the point where they will have to be thrown out instead of donated.  Only the distance between Dad's place and ours, combined with his reduced mobility (no more long road trips dragging trailers), keeps any more of it from coming to our house.

Sixth, I do think we should all be considering what we have and how much of a job we could potentially be leaving for our kids to cope with. My own parents have a stuffed house. The probability that wonderful things could be chucked along with the needless one future day is high. Nobody will realize that this tea cup was Great-Grandma's and she brought it over from Ireland when she immigrated here, KWIM, as we sort through gobs of glassware that means nothing at all. My parents have pieces of Rookwood Pottery, which she has been careful to remind me is worth some money in the collector's market. Well, if this is true, it would make more sense to sell it to a collector now, when the proceeds could come to some worthwhile good, rather than keep squirreling it away in the cob-webbed cabinet. When we have the unhappy task of liquidating my parents' goods, are any of us going to care about finding a dealer who wants to throw a couple bills our way for that old ceramic? Or is it much more probable that those ceramics will just head off to Goodwill with a bunch of other clutter?  My friend and I used to bemoan the old photos, pictures, and letters we would find for bulk sale at garage sales and estate sales, but now we get it.  What is to be done with the stuff when you have no idea who the people are?  Being offered for sale, at least, puts them into the hands of people who would use them for props for movies and plays, or decor items.  If these folk don't pick them up then they end up in the trash.

 

Somehow my grandmother's entire bell collection came to me -- I think they were all just boxed up together when their house was shut down.  I was only supposed to get her Hummel Bells, because Dad gave those to her.  What I need to do is contact my aunts, uncles, and cousins to see if they want any of the other bells.  If they don't I will keep the bells because I love them and have a good place for them, but I won't expect my kids to want them.  Dad thought the "collectible" Hummel Bells would be worth money, but they aren't; they are simply too common.  Their "rise" in value only equates to inflation from their original purchase price, and that's only for the ones whose boxes weren't thrown away.  Family will get first dibs on the bells, but then I'll feel free to gift whichever ones to whomever I want as time goes on.

Recently, as I wandered around the Goodwill, I saw hundreds of Boyd's Bears and also Ashton Drake Dolls, still in their boxes. How much do you bet this was somebody's mother's collections, now stuck unceremoniously in the Goodwill? How sad! Beautiful dolls and stuffed bears that could have brought pleasure to somebody, but they were left in their moldering boxes as part of a "collection," one that some unfortunate adult child no doubt inherited from Ma's overstuffed estate. I do not want this to be the "purpose" of anything I am keeping: to stay stuffed in my house until I die, at which time my overwrought loved ones can't deal with any solution but the easiest - throw it all out.  Very true.  This is the one realization that has allowed me to let go of some of my books.  I think I am addicted to books; I certainly have a tough time ever letting them leave the house once I've acquired them.  I used to lust after houses that had "libraries", rooms dedicated to the storage and display of books.  Sometimes I still want one myself, but I realize that unless the book storage is in main living spaces the books get forgotten about, passed by, "lost".  I play with floor plans, and how to fit books in to a real house is a perennial puzzle.  Sometimes I think about the built-in bookcases of my Mom's and Grandpa's houses.  Those had books on display, yet always accessible while out of the way.  Perhaps some built-in cases flanking a window seat, now there's some compact luxury....

Good luck in your journey. Remember what is important.  Thank you again.  Part of the whole deal is I am finding the ongoing-continued-renewed battle with clutter to be at times cathartic and self-revelatory.  Perhaps this is my mid-life crisis.  This certainly seems like the descriptions I've heard of other "midlife crises" -- wanting to make a drastic change, shake things up, refresh, renew, revitalize.  If so then it is less harmful than some I could have chosen.

 

Perhaps a mantra will help.  Ooooohmmmmmmm....  (or maybe that should be Hoooooommmmmmmme....)  :laugh:

 

 

[AMJ]

I get where you are coming from as I too come from a family of packrats but I also have benefited from the same family.

I have 2 beautiful antique dolls because my Grandmother kept her dolls from when she was a little girl, I have photos and mementos from 3 generations of my family including a 100+ year old baby gown and cloak now framed and displayed because people kept things that were't intrinsically valuable at the time but obviously held memories. When we went through my Grandmother's big box of stuff we found the handwritten newsletter that the troops had made on the ship going to the Boer war that her father had kept, he would never of guessed that a bit of trivia like that would one day end up in a museum.

So I believe in decluttering but don't be ruthless, someone in the future may enjoy your memories too and if you can, put some on display so that you can see them and enjoy the memories they bring.

 

This is why my boxes of mostly papers are a big problem for me, and one that will take lots of time to sort through.  Intermingled with them are the small things, photos, papers that came my way at various points when I had no good place to keep them and they were mixed in with whatever whenever I cleared surfaces into a box.  I have boxes from my Mom's house, too, but at least the bulk of the contents of those is actual photos, documents, papers.  I am an archaeologist at heart, and I tend to default to preserve and protect the artifacts of our lives.  I need to switch into conservation and interpretation mode though, to better treat the treasured items and get them out where they can be seen and appreciated.  To do this I must first toss the dross to make room, and excavate the midden to find the good pieces.

[AMJ]

Oh, honey, yes!  I understand.  (((hugs)))

 

I just went through my dead mother's photo albums and ripped them up, keeping what I want and discarding the rest.  My mother is in heaven and in my heart.  She is not in a photo album, therefore, she is not in the trash.  I also put a jacket of my grandmothers in the Goodwill stack that I have kept for over ten years since she passed away.  It is not my size or style.  It does not even particularly remind me of her.  I cannot keep it any longer.  I wear her wedding ring 24/7.  If I lost every other thing I ever had of my MIma's, that ring would still represent her.

 

(I also just gave away some lingerie that the elastic was degrading on.)

 

ETA:  My mother took copious pictures, and she was a terrible photographer.  No one ever needed 40 pictures of my cousin's third birthday party.  No one needs three albums of places in Paris she visited.

 

It will be interesting once I get to the pictures.  We have a digital scanner, and when I first got boxes from Mom's house I started scanning photos and family documents.  I need to resume this task at some point so I can more easily share the important stuff with other family this way.  Also, it's one way of preserving the image in a degrading old photo.  After the first wave of scanning I sent family computer CDs containing the scanned images and offered to send the originals to whomever wants them.  I had some takers and sent out a few, and will likely get more once I do this again.  This way the genealogy buffs in the family get more material and I don't have to worry about storing it.

[AMJ]

Of all the difficulties of multigenerational living, this has been one of the biggest issues. My mom didn't fully realize until moving in last year that I don't tie memories to objects. At all. Surrounding herself with things that belonged to late relatives or that were given to her is her "thing", and I can tell she feels heartbroken and likely a bit judged that I've gone completely in the other direction.

 

I sort of get it. When you are broke and raising kids on your own, maybe valuable things around the house keep you from feeling like you are all alone and have nothing. But she never cared if anything was clean or tidy or cluttered. I'm here all day and I do care if things are clean and organized, more than I care about having a relationship with a never-met, long dead great-grandparent by owning their kitchen gadget that hasn't worked in fifteen years.

 

Sorry, that came out a bit bitter. It's been a rough night on that front.

 

I didn't hear any bitterness, just frustration with it all.  Grandma B was quite bemused by one request I had: when she was finally done with it I wanted her potato masher.  Why the potato masher?!?  She had used it for more than 70 years to make loving meals for her family.  It's small and meaningful to me, still useful (I use it now), and very evocative of Grandma B.  I figure with this in my possession I have my memento of her, and I don't need any of her furniture or knick-knacks.  The entire family knows about that potato masher (I take it to family gatherings when we expect to mash potatoes), and knows it's not just an old piece of junk I should replace with something "newer and better".  And now I can get rid of the two mashers I had bought and were never quite satisfied with!

[AMJ]

I love reading Julie Morganstern when I'm decluttering. Her book about getting rid of clutter from the inside out is one of my all time favorite books.

 

Thank you!  I will look for that book (at the library, AMJ, at the library)....

[AMJ]

I feel like I do a pretty good job of getting rid of things we aren't using and not getting too attached to stuff. Secretly, I want to live a minimalist lifestyle. But DH pointed out that one the rich can afford to live a minimalist lifestyle because they can afford to replace things they decide they needed after they threw them out. :) Much of what we have is stuff we use, even if rarely, or clothes or toys I'm waiting to hand down to a younger child, etc.

 

My mom (who passed away last year) has a number of antiques from her mom and grandmothers and I hope to someday have some of it.  While I'm not particularly sentimental, there's something about holding a butter mold in my hand that belonged to my great great grandmother and feeling a connection with a woman whose life has influenced mine even though we've never met.  Also I'm am much more inclined to be sentimental about something handmade. My mother's baby quilt was hand stitched by my grandmother and that has so much more meaning to me than "coming home" outfit my baby wore from the hospital that was purchased at store, you know?

 

I have a hand-sewn, hand-smocked baby dress that was mine when I was 3 months old.  The cotton fabric has become thin, faded, and quite delicate.  When both of my DDs were each the right size I put them in the dress and took their pictures.  They might not care about the dress when I am gone and that's okay, but for now I keep it.

 

I also have kept the toddler-size kimomo I had when I was little, and my first communion dress.  While I like the kimono and will continue to keep it I think it's time to get rid of that danged white dress.  It was uncomfortable, less significant than a wedding gown, and I was sick with the flu during my first communion.  All in all not pleasant memories.  Bye bye, dress!

[AMJ]

Would journaling about these things help?

 

In my world, a written memory would be more powerful than a simple photo and much more likely to be revisited in the future.A memory journal is something that will be cherished long after the "stuff" has gone away.

 

In fact, I am now inspired.

 

Each child is going to write a journal page about each "special" Christmas gift this year.

 

(bolding above is mine)  Why, yes, I believe it would!  I think that's why I started this thread.  Somehow these forums are quite stimulating to my word flow.  NaNoWriMo time is almost here, and I believe this sort of thing will be my topic this year.  I should be able to get 50,000 words easily!  (Getting them coherent is another matter, but that's for post-NaNo time.)

[AMJ]

This is a totally pointless comment, but I have read the subject line on this about 30 times, and it always comes up "....glitter cult."  

 

I totally want to agree.  

 

LIKETY LIKE LIKE LIKE!!!!  :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5:

[AMJ]

Yes, Bedazzled jeans...they really need to go.

 

But but but...  That's the latest rendition of my velvet Elvis!

 

(Just kidding.  Somehow I managed to never acquire a velvet Elvis OR a Bedazzler!)

[AMJ]

Honestly, if I had stuff in a box that I hadn't looked at and enjoyed looking through at least once every couple of years, I'd just toss the whole box. How important can it be if it just gets lugged around but never enjoyed...

 

My aunt threw out boxes that were unopened in 3 years, and did so without looking through them.  My uncle to this day is mad over that (even though she's now dead and he helped move the boxes to the curb without looking in them himself), because the record albums of my grandfather (his father) playing with a traveling orchestra are now gone for good.

 

While I bemoan the loss of precious items I never had the opportunity to enjoy I also wonder why they were still boxed up in his basement....

[Night Elf]

My grandmother is the one in our family who holds onto stuff. None of us has any idea exactly what she has. She won't allow anyone to go through it. And she's talked to my mom about how she wants things handled when she dies. She expects her stuff to be distributed to family. She is adamant that we not get rid of any of her things. My mom tries to skirt the issue when it comes up. And sometimes she has to reassure my grandmother that she will handle everything. We don't want Grandma worrying, of course, but none of us relish the idea of going through her stuff and keeping it. But we will have to actually go through everything. Every article of clothing must be searched, and every box opened. She believes in hiding valuables because she doesn't want a burglar to get them. She even hides money. She hides things in the pockets of her clothes hanging in her closet, and in the toes of shoes in boxes in her closet. She has lots of boxes in her garage and my mom knows she has hidden things in there, but even Grandma doesn't remember what is hidden. There's no telling what we'll find some day.

 

My mom had to get rid of a lot of stuff when she downsized from a 4 BR house to a 2 BR apartment. It was hard for her, but she was ruthless in getting rid of her stuff. Now she has one BR with shelves of stuff. It looks like a store. But when she passes on, it will be easy to go through.

 

I don't personally have many items that hold memories for me. The most important ones are the baby boxes I have for each of my children. They are small plastic boxes. In them I have a couple of outfits, blankets, and a few special items from childhood like handprints on construction paper. Honestly, I'm so turned off by my grandmother's clutter that I don't allow it into my home. It just all seems like a burden.

[Miss Mousie]

Sixth, I do think we should all be considering what we have and how much of a job we could potentially be leaving for our kids to cope with. My own parents have a stuffed house. The probability that wonderful things could be chucked along with the needless one future day is high. Nobody will realize that this tea cup was Great-Grandma's and she brought it over from Ireland when she immigrated here, KWIM, as we sort through gobs of glassware that means nothing at all. My parents have pieces of Rookwood Pottery, which she has been careful to remind me is worth some money in the collector's market. Well, if this is true, it would make more sense to sell it to a collector now, when the proceeds could come to some worthwhile good, rather than keep squirreling it away in the cob-webbed cabinet. When we have the unhappy task of liquidating my parents' goods, are any of us going to care about finding a dealer who wants to throw a couple bills our way for that old ceramic? Or is it much more probable that those ceramics will just head off to Goodwill with a bunch of other clutter?

 

Recently, as I wandered around the Goodwill, I saw hundreds of Boyd's Bears and also Ashton Drake Dolls, still in their boxes. How much do you bet this was somebody's mother's collections, now stuck unceremoniously in the Goodwill? How sad! Beautiful dolls and stuffed bears that could have brought pleasure to somebody, but they were left in their moldering boxes as part of a "collection," one that some unfortunate adult child no doubt inherited from Ma's overstuffed estate. I do not want this to be the "purpose" of anything I am keeping: to stay stuffed in my house until I die, at which time my overwrought loved ones can't deal with any solution but the easiest - throw it all out.

 

This is exactly how it went with my parents' stuff.  :(  It still makes me sad ... but I am glad I didn't take it all to my house. 

 

[Happy]

There's an emotional component to clutter that trips me up often. After inheriting stuff after my mom died (Dad died years before that) I was overwhelmed. Having her 'stuff' helped keep her close in spirit...even if we did have to park on the driveway instead of in the garage for several months. There were days I could go out there and work on the stuff--sorting, trashing, and evaluating--for several hours. Other days when I touched something particularly meaningful and emotional, I could do 15 minutes. You can't hurry that process...What I did find helpful was having a good friend sit with me while I worked. She is good at being non judgmental (keep it if you want!) and also didn't let me get sidetracked into stories too often.

 

Eventually I came to a point in my grief walk that I realized all the best stuff my mom had given me was still here--a love for education and travel, an enthusiasm for art and people, a strong work ethic, a deep belief that I could do and be anything I was willing to work for...those kinds of things weren't bound up in stuff. Remembering that has helped me clear out more and more.

 

My own clutter I have no excuse or reasons for....sigh. But I'm dealing with it one corner and closet at a time.

[Carol in Cal.]

That bit about having to go through every pocket--my grandparents were ruthless declutterers, but they were also kind of frugal, especially about supplies.  When we were going through their old stationary stuff I absent mindedly flipped through an old tablet of lined paper and ran across something I don't think even my grandmother knew was there--the draft (in old German script) of a letter that my great-grandmother had written to her relatives in Germany in the late 1940's!  It was absolutely precious.  It was also buried so deep in this tablet that it had survived for decades without anyone even knowing it was there, which really slowed us down in looking through things.

[Baseball mom]

I am a packrat trying to reform. I don't want to be one any longer! I think a lot of it is guilt.

 

When we cleaned out my grandmothers house I brought home a lot of stuff. Some for sentimental reasons some to be used (Pyrex dishes, silverware, furniture etc. Stuff I needed)

 

My mom tells me often when I mention getting rid of something of my grandmothers "you can't hold on to everything". I keep trying to remember that.

 

My grandmother was one that hid money & stuff everywhere. I never found any but my aunt found quiet a bit of money in various items.

[Stacia]

For those that are dealing with the emotional burden of clutter, I think you might like Clutter Busting by Brooks Palmer. (My library carries it; maybe yours does too.)

 

He also has a blog: http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/