Do You Sacrifice to Put Yourself First?

[displace]

I've been feeling pretty guilty as I decided to go to the gym today.  As a result, the whole house is pretty messy.  I just joined a week ago.  I really need to start putting my health first sometimes as I'm the heaviest I've ever weighed and starting to suffer health effects. 

 

So, I went to the gym but neglected housework.  I have a feeling this pattern may be frequent. 

 

Do you sacrifice something (financial, familial, professional, chores, etc) to put yourself first (health, career, mommy time, massages, etc)? 

 

Or do you juggle everything?  I think I could shift more housework to the mornings and evenings or weekends.  But it may not be as beneficial.  Or I may just live with it.  :ohmy:

[regentrude]

How large is your family? I can not imagine having so much housework that two hours to myself would have any negative impact on the state of my home.

[heartosunshine]

No, I don't juggle and yes, something gets sacrificed. The transition period, where you are starting something new, takes time for everyone else in the household to get used to. I wasn't very good about taking time for myself for a long time so, when I started, I had to teach the kids more self-sufficiency. I now ask/tell others to do things way more than I used to.

 

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I am one of those people who puts herself at the bottom of the list. My exercise has to happen at 5:30 to fit it in. Not what pop psychology says I should do but....it's how it is.

[Gil]

No and Yes.

 

I put my kids needs (not their wants) first in 95% of everything that I do. I work hard to support them, I work hard to accommodate them and their needs. 

When I am home with them, I like to be with them so I simplified our lives long ago and keep possessions minimal so that it is easy to clean, care for and do upkeep. I batch cook, I teach the boys how to do stuff for themselves and I teach them to clean up after themselves. If their stuff gets left in the floor too often, then I will just donate/trash it. I rarely have to do that now that they know that I mean business.

 

 

But then, I am a relatively healthy guy. If I needed something for my health, then I would rearrange my life to get it and sleep well at night. I can't keep my kids first if my health is bad, I cant care for them, support them or be there for them if I am ill or injured so I don't make a big deal out of caring for myself. I just do it and its apart of my schedule.

[Critterfixer]

Just a thought based on personal experience. When you feel better, you can do more.

Housework around here didn't get done to my satisfaction until I took the time to a)go GF which solved a lot of my immediate issues (skin, GI, allergy) and  started walking, then jogging, and then running. 

Been coming back from an injury for the last six months or so, and am really looking forward to going to get a new pair of running shoes this weekend. 

 

Once I felt better from the diet change, I begin to think I could exercise. Once I started exercising, I started looking better. Once I started looking better, I started wanting everything else around me to look better too. And I could think about what I had to do to get there.

None of that would have happened if I hadn't taken charge of my health in at least this limited way.

It all follows.

 

[Karen in CO]

I started going to an exercise class a couple of weeks ago.  It is 3 hours a week.  My family can do without me for 3 hours.  My house will stand for 3 hours. I am important too.  I am pretty sure we all are.  

[Kim in Appalachia]

My health comes before my house.  Yes, I could have a bit more time for housecleaning, but my physical and mental health are worth the sacrifice.  Don't worry about it.  My mom, who has always had an immaculate house, has always encouraged me saying that the dirt and mess always come back and will be there when you have more time.  

 

Take care of you. 

[73349]

Try framing it not as putting yourself first but as putting your health first. The cleanest house in town is no comfort to your family if you're in the hospital, is it? I think kids will tend to absorb what you model, whether it's that health and safety are high priorities or that they're not.

[mirth]

Only a few days every month do I both look and feel like a martyr. Aside from that even though we are not rich and fabulous I pretty much think we have it made. Sacrifice is less a part of my vocabulary than is efficiency.

[Guest]

When I first started back to college (38), I suffered a lot of guilt. Any time I was not on-site when a problem arose, I felt like a "bad mommy." But truly, I believe it was inappropriate guilt. My kids were old enough that a few hours with me elsewhere was not too much to expect, even if an obstacle cropped up. (Ex. One time DD's volleyball practice was cancelled, so someone else had to pick her up.)

 

Sometimes things fall by the wayside on the homefront because I can't be everywhere and do everything, but I have concluded that self-care is also very important.

[srs]

Funny you should mention this today... I just got back from the gym. The house is a wreck, dinner food not put away, dishes not done, the toddler I was hoping to have asleep by 7:15pm is still awake, which pretty much guarantees that she will scream all day tomorrow. I have no idea what they did for the 1.5 hours I was gone, but clearly it is time to start reinforcing some basic skills!

So to answer your question... yes.

[abba12]

I used to put myself completely last. I was taught the 'JOY' principle (Jesus first, others second, yourself last) as a way to make everyday decisions without any balance (I have some MAJOR issues with this now! lol) Thing is, even with all my giving of myself, and ignoring my needs, the house was a bomb and our lives didn't run very smoothly. Then I got pregnant for the second time, had one HELL of a pregnancy, and learnt some very important lessons in that 9 months.

 

Now, I have a cleaner once a fortnight for the things I cannot easily clean. When I am sick with one of the multiple issues I regularly get sick with I allow myself to sit and do very little useful, without guilt, knowing that the little I will be able to do happily and fully, with rest, will benefit my family far more than pushing through in illness, pain, and being cranky the whole day. The kids won't care if the bathroom is clean, washing is away and homecooked meal is on the table when I have spent the day upset, cranky and miserable. They WILL care about the movie we watched together while I dozed, and the bedtime story I will be able to happily read them after my husbands thrown together dinner of beans and veg. And my husband won't care about the clean house when I snap at him in the evening and then colapse into bed feeling sorry for myself, but he will notice me having a little bit of energy to smile and talk to him while he quickly picks up the loungeroom which would have taken me 4 times as long to do as him.

 

I choose not to do some things for my family in order to do some things for myself at times. Don't get me wrong, my kids and husband's NEEDS are my top priority and I love doing everything I can to fulfill their wants too, It makes me feel great to be able to do things which will help them, whether it's DH coming home to a clean house or the kids getting to do a special activity. But I make time for myself, and more importantly THEY make time for ME because they appreciate me. My husband almost forces me to take a couple of hours to myself each weekend, and he teaches the kids to recognize the work I do just as I teach them to appreciate that daddy goes to work each day. I don't let myself feel guilty when I expect help from them. I don't live in some lap of luxury, I work hard each day for my family and fall into bed exhausted from chasing toddlers like anyone else, but I recognize that to do my best by my family I need to be healthy in body AND mind first. I've seen the difference first hand, repeatedly. This pregnancy was the easiest yet for my family as a whole, and a big part of that is that I basically did nothing related to chores during the worst 2 months, and I allowed myself grace once we had our routine back to just declare a 'mummy is sick' day and do nothing during the bad days, without guilt. DH did a lot, the cleaner did a fair bit, and the kids managed with fruit for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch instead of a 'real' meal. But despite this, DH was more relaxed, and the kids were happier. The difference was, the energy I was pouring into the ultimately unimportant could be redirected into spending my few good hours with my family, completely and happily, and spending my bad hours not being completely miserable. They are much more affected by what I do emotionally than what I do physically.

 

 

[JustEm]

My health comes before housework constantly, as it should.  Cleaning a toilet will NEVER trump taking my hour long combat fitness class.  There is no reason to feel guilty for taking care of yourself.  As you get into better shape and become healthier you will feel better and be able to do more.

 

The only thing that ever comes before my health is my children.  If they need me for something that someone else can't do for them I'll be there.  I take my class 3 days a week, sometimes 4.  4 hours isn't going to mess up a routine that much once you figure out how to make it part of the routine.

[eternalsummer]

Housecleaning is a decent form of exercise, you'd think the two functions could be combined in this case.  Sometimes I read a book instead of doing the laundry, though :)

[NoseInABook]

Are you married? I am assuming they're staying with Dad when coming home to a kid mess? I'd be telling him to manage the mess while you're gone. DH feeds the kids dinner, has the dishes done, and has the kids ready for bed when I come home from the gym. He's capable of picking up too...

[myfunnybunch]

Yes and no.

 

I am a human being, and cannot do everything I need and want to do. (Sigh.....so unfair.)

 

I feel a little guilty sometimes about not doing yard work so that I can read a book, or about working part-time (which contributes to my family financially but takes my time away from my family), or doing school planning instead of doing laundry or laundry instead of school planning....whatever. I try to reframe it as prioritizing instead of sacrificing.

 

I do think that anything that makes us healthier, mentally or physically, whether it's working out or taking a little downtime or making sure the refrigerator doesn't turn into a giant fetid petri dish, is a top priority. It's okay to leave dishes undone if it means that you're a stronger, healthier momma. :)

 

And I agree with a previous poster about the challenge of establishing new routines. It's the pits until everything gets sorted out. Hang in there.

 

Cat

[Danestress]

For me, it's really a matter of what I want more. No one is going to give me a hard time about a messy house, but I want it. I am happier when it is picked up and tidy. I want to feel ''on too' of my life, and the effects if exercise take weeks to see, but I can see the difference in household chores immediately. So I often choose things for their short term results when I should prioritize my Heath.

[LaxMom]

My health comes before my house. Yes, I could have a bit more time for housecleaning, but my physical and mental health are worth the sacrifice. Don't worry about it. My mom, who has always had an immaculate house, has always encouraged me saying that the dirt and mess always come back and will be there when you have more time.

 

Take care of you.

Very wise, your mom.

[Carrie12345]

Sort of.

 

I would never consider basic housekeeping more important than the gym. I might make an exception for an exploded science experiment or giant pet accident, lol, but normal, everyday stuff? I can sweep earlier or do laundry later. The world will not end if there are a few toys scattered around.

 

But the gym HAS impacted our homeschool schedule. Babysitting doesn't open until 9, so the earliest we get back home is 10:30/11. It makes getting the ball rolling before lunch difficult.  Difficult, not impossible.

 

Fridays are park days around here. Some weeks I'll skip the gym on Friday to make the park. Some weeks I'll skip the park for the gym.

 

I find trying to be Superwoman a waste of energy. It's important to distinguish between important things and pointless ideals.

[Truscifi]

Yes. I get as much done as I can after school is done and before karate starts, then I go to my class.

 

How old are your kids? And who are they with while you're gone? It sounds like the rest of the household needs to pitch in more.

[Slache]

Putting yourself first is putting your family first. You need to be able to take care of them. You can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself.

[Jerico]

I joined a gym this year and it is the best thing I have done for myself in a long time!!! Here is what I did: i decluttered so I have less to clean. I simplified and make easy meals, run less errands. I arranged our schedule around going to the gym several days a week. I also do things like pay my kids to unload the dishwasher. I fold my laundry at night while watching tv. :)

 

I feel better and I actually have slightly more energy than before. Bonus is showering uninterrupted at the gym! So its worth my time and money.

[Above The Rowan]

I think sacrifice is a strange word. I have times when I put my kids and partner first and I have times when I do what i need/want to do. I don't really need to sacrifice anything, I'm as important a part of my family as my kids/partner are.

 

If I'm not here, the house definitely doesn't fall apart. He can clean and cook and parent when I can't, and the kids can pick up too. And I say this from my bed where I am stuck for probably another week with a herniated disc and have been for close to a week already. Things have kept together just fine without me :)

[TammyinTN]

I think as a mom if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of our family.    I don't think spending 2 hours a day on exercise means everything goes to pot...I find that I have loads more energy and I prioritize all task.  I also ask my family to pitch in.  There are no free rides in life and that means at home too. 

[Chris in VA]

I use the Oxygen Mask analogy and feel just fine about what i have to let go of. It's not like I am a total sloth and always going out to do my own thing.

There's balance.

[Snickerdoodle]

I find trying to be Superwoman a waste of energy. It's important to distinguish between important things and pointless ideals.

 

This. 

[FO4UR]

Maybe there is an imbalance in the home.  If the house is that impacted by your being gone for such a short period of time, that speaks of either having a whole bunch of little-bitty kids...or bigger kids that aren't pulling their weight.

 

Take care of yourself.