Mandylubug Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 We were put in a miscommunication situation yesterday that ended up having my girls shunned because their friend thought they weren't Christian. They have been best friends and there have been no fights, etc. Just the question of religion and my daughter not understanding the question. Of course I realize this is just children and their silly ways. However, some things are learned through observation of family, etc. As a Christian myself, I encourage mine to be friends with anyone that is a good friend to them. I believe in being a good person, in loving others and that is sufficient. I would of course not encourage an unhealthy relationship but those happen even within a church or religious setting. Just because someone proclaims to be Christian doesn't mean they are good people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 That's really gross. I wouldn't want to be friends with those people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 That depends on what you mean by encourage. Choose to surround myself and my children with people who are like minded? Yes. Shun or avoid non-Christians? No. I have friends who are Catholic (huge doctrinal differences), agnostic, and one who is gay (dun dun dun). If they had kids I'm sure my kids would be friends with theirs, but in general we "hang out" with Christians because that's the group we fit in with best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 That depends on what you mean by encourage. Choose to surround myself and my children with people who are like minded? Yes. Shun or avoid non-Christians? No. I have friends who are Catholic (huge doctrinal differences), agnostic, and one who is gay (dun dun dun). If they had kids I'm sure my kids would be friends with theirs, but in general we "hang out" with Christians because that's the group we fit in with best. I agree. We do choose certain groups that we fit best in and are like minded. We do the same. We are part of a Christian homeschool co-op and attend church ourselves. eta: that is where we meet most of our friends. I just found it shocking that perhaps some are teaching their kids it isn't healthy to befriend non-Christians. I encourage mine to be a good friend and they will make good friends. Their actions will define them. I want them open and loving to all people, even ones that have differing opinions. Nothing wrong with being different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 My daughter has been shunned/ridiculed for not being Christian 3 separate times from different friends/families, so I suppose it is not an uncommon thing for people to do that. She's not particularly outspoken about her atheism either, she just responds that she doesn't believe when it comes up. It breaks my heart for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 My daughter has been shunned/ridiculed for not being Christian 3 separate times from different friends/families, so I suppose it is not an uncommon thing for people to do that. She's not particularly outspoken about her atheism either, she just responds that she doesn't believe when it comes up. It breaks my heart for her. :( that just makes my Mama Bear side angry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 My daughter has been shunned/ridiculed for not being Christian 3 separate times from different friends/families, so I suppose it is not an uncommon thing for people to do that. She's not particularly outspoken about her atheism either, she just responds that she doesn't believe when it comes up. It breaks my heart for her. Poor dear that is sad. My son has encountered his fair share of issues due to his not being Christian including other children using scare tactics to try and coerce him to convert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 No, I discourage them from hanging out with teens that engage in risky behavior. I don't believe in insulating children from others with differing worldviews because I want them to grow up compassionate and tolerant of others. But, I do believe that safety trumps everything else, so we talk a lot about being cautious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemiSweet Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Yep, we've had a few fear tactics thrown in along with one parent telling her that atheism means you hate god? It's very disheartening, and what lead us to the UU Church, she was desperate and almost frantic to try church. I've also given her some alternate phrases like secular humanist or Unitarian to use instead of non-believer or atheist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 Poor dear that is sad. My son has encountered his fair share of issues due to his not being Christian including other children using scare tactics to try and coerce him to convert. :-( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 My daughter has been shunned/ridiculed for not being Christian 3 separate times from different friends/families, so I suppose it is not an uncommon thing for people to do that. She's not particularly outspoken about her atheism either, she just responds that she doesn't believe when it comes up. It breaks my heart for her. I am sorry. That is heartbreaking! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Not at all. We're Catholic but oldest dd's two best friends are Hindu and Jewish. Youngest only has one really close friend and she's Jewish. I honestly can't imagine having a conversation with either of them regarding choosing friends based on religion. It's just not something that bothers me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xuzi Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 I encourage them to befriend kids with similar values, but those can be found among many religious and non-religious communities. Having been on the receiving end of shunning for being the "wrong kind" of Christian (LDS), I know the pain, and would hope that my kids would never reject a person as a potential friend solely on the grounds of differing religious beliefs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Poor dear that is sad. My son has encountered his fair share of issues due to his not being Christian including other children using scare tactics to try and coerce him to convert. Oh yep. Still recall the time DS was bullied by a group of Christian girls from a church group at a park who threatened him with hell and the devil (to which he replied that he did not believe in the devil either). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 btdt. as I child, I wasnt' allowed to play with another child until the parent had grilled me on what I believed. as a child, once I got past being shocked, I thought it was stupid. I still think it's stupid. I'm more concerned with what their standards and values are. (just because they claim to have the same religion, doesn't meant the standards and values are the same. re: not everyone practices what they profess.) 2dd is the one who has really varied backgrounds. her bff from 6th grade is a catholic Asian. (okay yes, she's Christian - but she's also a very different ethnic culture) it's good they didn't go to the same college as they'd never have met anyone else =D. her bff from college is an indian hindu. (she spent spring break in the city with her. she loved eating curry everyday.) 2dd did a sabbatical in SA - so she had a different roommate for her last two years. she's a muslim from Bangladesh. their backgrounds are very different - but their standards are very similar. - all of her closest friends are working on doctorates. they all have the same education, and moral standards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 No way. I would be considered by most to be VERY religious, but I believe that excluding someone is the least Christian thing you can do, so we do not join groups that are exclusively Christian. (We did do classical conversations this year, but they don't require a statement of faith or anything and we won't be returning next year) My kids are still little and sometimes it is hard to break out of the "Christian bubble" because church does seem to be the easiest place to make friends, but I try! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 :( that just makes my Mama Bear side angry! Me too. Not to mention that "shunning" others is not being Christlike. That kind of carp annoys the diddly out of me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 So many stories of cruelty...maez me heartsick. My dd was on the receiving end of religious discrimination one time. It wasn't anything that upset her much, just kind of bewildered her. She was at space camp for a week and really hit it off with another girl who happened to be Jewish. They exchanged email addresses and after camp, began corresponding. Very casual stuff...had fun at camp, how's school, working on science project x, went to the movies, etc. nothing deep or profound. But, after a few weeks, we received a phone call from them saying that they were aware that we were not Jewish and did not wan their daughter to communicate with dd. We asked if she had been offensive in any way or proselytizing. They just did not want her to befriend someone from a different belief system. She was disappointed, but the relationship was casual to begin with so not unduly upsetting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Moocow, I tried to like your post but, I can't believe it finally happened to me! I used up all my likes. I can join that naughty little club now, LOL!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Friendship? I don't care. Serious dating partner? I would prefer them to be Catholic but it's not a big deal. Adults are free to make their own life choices. My paternal grandparents were not thrilled about my mom being Epsicopalian, but she eventually became their favorite in-law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I'm not voting in your poll because I'm not a Christian any longer, but in our early homeschooling days, I was often counseled to make sure my children's friends were from the same faith and same values. This was a response to the fear of your children losing their faith. I will say that most of the people in my homeschooling group at that time kept their children around people who shared their faith. It's not that they were exactly rude to other people, they simply never moved outside their little circle. Some of them limited contact with family members because they weren't practicing their faith. I really felt the full force of this attitude when I started falling away from my faith. Suddenly my children were a threat to the other children they had grown up with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 26, 2014 Author Share Posted April 26, 2014 I'm not voting in your poll because I'm not a Christian any longer, but in our early homeschooling days, I was often counseled to make sure my children's friends were from the same faith and same values. This was a response to the fear of your children losing their faith. I will say that most of the people in my homeschooling group at that time kept their children around people who shared their faith. It's not that they were exactly rude to other people, they simply never moved outside their little circle. Some of them limited contact with family members because they weren't practicing their faith. I really felt the full force of this attitude when I started falling away from my faith. Suddenly my children were a threat to the other children they had grown up with. we have been shunned from other Christian's because we think it is ok to have a beer or a drink. We have noticed some very devout family members now don't even invite us to "Christian" functions because they thought we wouldn't be interested. And the only reason is because "well, you know. Y'all "drink" and stuff" we were actually told that to our face by family. We literally buy one six pack a week to share between DH and I. We don't host parties with alcohol or hide the fact that we enjoy a beer here or there. If we know friends are coming over, we refrain from enjoying a beer that evening. eta: my point was it is shocking when you realize people are considering you a "threat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I voted other. I am a Christian, and one of my best friends is not. My kids are good friends with her kids, too. We have a mutual respect for the other's beliefs. That's what works for us. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icollectkids Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Friendship? I don't care. Serious dating partner? I would prefer them to be Catholic but it's not a big deal. Adults are free to make their own life choices. My paternal grandparents were not thrilled about my mom being Epsicopalian, but she eventually became their favorite in-law. This. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 We are Christians and our oldest daughter's best friend is a lapsed Catholic bisexual gal. lol Anyone who is friends with us who is NOT a Christian will, as a true friend, understand how important that aspect of our lives is, respect it, and let us freely bring it up when appropriate...and as friends in return we are sensitive to their interests and beliefs, and know when to shut up about Christianity and just love them. (Which sounds all nice and cozy, but there have been difficult moments when a friend wants to do something that we don't feel we can do. But as our friends they understand. And as their friends we gently tell them the truth as we see it. It's usually all good.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 No. Just as I have found my good friends both in and out of my faith, I expect my children are capable of the same. On the flip side, not everyone within the Christian world is good friend material. I view most of the Christian families that have shunned us because we weren't the right flavor of Christian as having done us a favor. I like to limit the really closed minded people in my life to those I am related to and only feel obligated to see a few times a year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 26, 2014 Author Share Posted April 26, 2014 No. Just as I have found my good friends both in and out of my faith, I expect my children are capable of the same. On the flip side, not everyone within the Christian world is good friend material. I view most of the Christian families that have shunned us because we weren't the right flavor of Christian as having done us a favor. I like to limit the really closed minded people in my life to those I am related to and only feel obligated to see a few times a year. Totally made me chuckle. I think I may have your last sentence embroidered on a pillow for my sofa! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Glad to give you a grin! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I am happy with wherever my kids might manage to find friends. My oldest has a hard time finding people that click with him. I have friends from a lot of different walk of life. I don't need to agree with someone on everything in order to enjoy them as a person and have a great time visiting with them. I can respect what they believe and anyone who is a friend with me respects my thoughts on beliefs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Well, since there are some "Christians" we are encouraging our boys to not hang out with and some non-Christians we feel have many of the values we do and encourage our kids to befriend them, no, we don't tell them to only be friends with Christians. However, I do hope they have strong Christian friends who will encourage them in their faith as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Hey, at 10:00 p.m., I got my likes back! Don't know what was so magical about that time, but apparently I'm out of the penalty box now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 26, 2014 Author Share Posted April 26, 2014 Hey, at 10:00 p.m., I got my likes back! Don't know what was so magical about that time, but apparently I'm out of the penalty box now! I'm working on spending mine! I'm on a mission! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icollectkids Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I'm working on spending mine! I'm on a mission! we only get so many a day?? **the noob** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 26, 2014 Author Share Posted April 26, 2014 we only get so many a day?? **the noob** supposedly! I have yet to meet the maximum, LOL I suppose I am not a cool cat! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icollectkids Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 supposedly! I have yet to meet the maximum, LOL I suppose I am not a cool cat! I'm definitely not a cool cat! I didn't even know there was one! lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laundrycrisis Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 IMO the parents who want to avoid friendly relationships with those who don't have all the same beliefs as them are either very insecure people, or making the logical leap that someone must share their exact beliefs in order to share their behavioral values. It starts out based in fear, but it ends up being closed minded and unkind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I didn't vote in the poll since we aren't Christian, but we definitely have encountered Christians who don't want their kids to be friends with non Christians. Ds has been left out because of it. Less often, but it does happen, he has been harrassed and told he is going to hell and such. ETA - We also have plenty of friends who are Christians and don't care at all what we believe about religion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awisha. Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 That depends on what you mean by encourage. Choose to surround myself and my children with people who are like minded? Yes. Shun or avoid non-Christians? No. I have friends who are Catholic (huge doctrinal differences), agnostic, and one who is gay (dun dun dun). If they had kids I'm sure my kids would be friends with theirs, but in general we "hang out" with Christians because that's the group we fit in with best. Oh look, it only took 3 posts for the gay card to be brought up... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 My daughter has been shunned/ridiculed for not being Christian 3 separate times from different friends/families, so I suppose it is not an uncommon thing for people to do that. She's not particularly outspoken about her atheism either, she just responds that she doesn't believe when it comes up. It breaks my heart for her. My DD had something similar happen. A friend of her friend would not come to a play date because she "was afraid of my daughter, because she didn't believe in Jesus". Seriously? In all actuality I think she was mad because the mutual friend preferred my daughter. She got mad when the mutual friend wouldn't un-invite DD, and the two girls wren't friends any more. I've had this happen with another HSing family too. We had a couple play dates, everything was fine then I stupidly asked about her religion, because I'm actually fascinated, and explained that I didn't believe in God(she asked). She was very polite, left soon after and never answered my calls again. So yes, there are more people in the world who are "separatists" then you might suspect. My own parents didn't want me to be friends with a girl who's parents were pagan, I didn't understand at the time but I think they could tell I was on the path to non-belief and were fighting it all the way. They even pulled me out of P.S. in 10th grade to homeschool me and to keep me away from "people not like us". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Could someone familiar with the New Testament help me find an appropriate reference to give if this ever happens to my family? Shunning people due to perceived inferiority does not seem Christlike. Asking because when I read the OP I thought "Jesus wept", which is a little funny because it kind of came out of nowhere from me. But it did led me think there probably is an appropriate chapter-and-verse for this context. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 My kids are still at the age where I can "control" who they're friends with. My list to make the cut goes like this: 1. Be nice most of the time. That's all. I have no clue as to the religious beliefs of their friends we meet outside of church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East Coast Sue Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 I encourage my children to choose their friends based on mutual interests, kindness, and other types of characteristics. We are Christian. I have heard kids say quite loudly in our old neighborhood that they don't want "Jesus friends" to my kids simply because they are seen walking to church with their Bibles. So, in my situation I suppose the selectiveness of friends based on Christianity has left my kids labeled even though they would not treat others that way. It can, and does go both ways- but it is never right. Children and adults should have a filter for friends that is not based on religious identification IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Oh look, it only took 3 posts for the gay card to be brought up... I didn't mean anything offensive. That's why I added the dun dun dun. I was trying to make a point. There are certain people groups, homosexuals being one of them, that some "Christians" see as... lesser. People they can shun and treat badly because they're better than them in their eyes, which is what this post was about, so I found it meaningful. I was trying to say that just because someone is not like you that you don't have the right to assert yourself as better. I believe the Bible in it's entirety, I go to church, I pray, I read, but that doesn't give me the right to shun someone or consider myself above them, and because people who go to church often consider themselves above homosexuals I found it appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Some of you mentioned dating.......I see dating as an entirely different topic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 What's the gay card?????? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 My daughter has been shunned/ridiculed for not being Christian 3 separate times from different friends/families, so I suppose it is not an uncommon thing for people to do that. She's not particularly outspoken about her atheism either, she just responds that she doesn't believe when it comes up. It breaks my heart for her. Well, we are Christians and my kids have been shunned numerous times because we are obviously not the correct brand. We have been shunned as well. Oh well, not my loss. It hurt for a while, but really.... Do I want those people as friends?? Nope! We are very open to friends of all sorts as long as our basic morals are connected. IOW, I want my kids around honest, kind, intelligent, hardworking, thoughtful people. Those come in all creeds and colors, religions and economic backgrounds. We Choose friends by their character qualities, not our preconceived notions of who is a star bellied sneech and who is not 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted April 26, 2014 Author Share Posted April 26, 2014 Some of you mentioned dating.......I see dating as an entirely different topic. I agree. I see dating as differently. I approached dating and marriage by finding someone that matched my own beliefs, desires and wants in life. I do think it will make a relationship way more difficult if you are married to someone that truly clashes with your beliefs. I am sure many make it work, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Well I'm a Christian but not the 'right kind' to fit in here. My oldest was shunned, basically kicked out of the 'Christian' homeschool group because he liked Harry Potter...so....yeah...most of the time I'd prefer a non-Christian. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 26, 2014 Share Posted April 26, 2014 Some of you mentioned dating.......I see dating as an entirely different topic. I don't plan on steering dds toward only those who share our religious beliefs in regards to dating either. Dh is an atheist (dds do not know per his wishes at the moment). We've been married 16 years now and had zero issues even though we believe so differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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