18 yr old sues parents after moving out

[FaithManor]

OK, here's a question.  If this 18yo is a dependent child and needs her mommy and daddy to take care of her, by law, then why isn't the family that is keeping her at their house a bunch of kidnappers?  I mean, if someone has my dependent child and refuses to send her home to me, I'm calling the cops.

 

I think that meddlesome family should have to pay the legal bills of both the girl and her parents.  Maybe someone should also sue for counseling, necessary for her to get a realistic view of the world after this enabler distorted it for her.

That is an excellent question SKL.

 

It's another one of those stupid duplicities in our culture.

 

We have friends who did foster care and adopted a troubled teen. She ran from home at 17 because she didn't want to follow house rules and stop smacking her siblings around. Not only would the police do nothing about the abusing of the siblings - apparently they consider it abuse if she knocks other kids around, but not related ones :001_huh:  :banghead:  - but, they wouldn't make the family that she ran to return her. Instead, the court awarded a guardianship of the teen to the family that took her in - though CPS found no abuse and the report showed they considered our friends to be exemplary parents of such a troubled youth - and made our friends pay the adoption subsidy to the family plus additional "child support" which the family court ordered to be paid until she was NINETEEN!

 

Insane! Of course, she was out of control and playing a part so once the honeymoon was over, the new family found out just how much of a peach she was to live with and suddenly wanted to return her. Our friends said no, "We'll pay you to be her hotel until she ages out.". Nineteen. The new family housed her until she was nineteen and she physically abused their little ones too. Genesee county family courts did nothing and after she turned 18, the criminal courts wouldn't get involved either. Crazy, crazy, crazy system.

 

Is the family court system in other first world countries this bizarre?

[Carol in Cal.]

She's mentally ill, brilliant, and spoiled rotten.  It's common combination in upper income families for some reason. 

[SKL]

I'm not sure she's brilliant and I'm not sure why it matters if she is.

[Carol in Cal.]

Stating a truth is encouraging ignorance? There are plenty of online calculators that you can use to get an estimate of what the return will be. They are quite accurate.

 

Either you have missed my point or you are deliberately ignoring it. Either way, hopefully others who read this thread will think twice before they assume that the 'parent's expected contribution' is the only thing that the FAFSA is good for as you appear to have done.

[MinivanMom]

I went looking for that quote ("-h!t on your face) because it is shocking to hear a daughter left that in a message for her mom. I found the entire message on the uk daily mail site. After reading the entire message, along with the information that the girl was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia, and is on medication, I'm thinking differently about the whole situation. The girl is clearly out of control and should not leave messages like that for her mother but it didn't happen in a vacuum.

 

The entire message is in a blue box halfway down the page. The girl left it in response to an accusation from the mom that the girl was vomiting after eating.

 

I'm not saying what the girl did was right at all. Just that now, seeing the context, I see how it came about.

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2573165/My-mom-called-porky-dad-got-drunk-told-I-just-daughter-Explosive-claims-spoiled-cheerleader-18-suing-parents-support-ran-away.html

 

I agree. It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than simply a spoiled, rich girl. I read elsewhere that the parents separated and then reunited right before she either left home or was kicked out (depending on who you believe). I'm not sure how to link the article, but here is the quote:

 

"Court documents show frequent causes of parent-teenage tension - boyfriends and alcohol - taken to an extreme. In the filings, there are accusations and denials, but one thing is clear: the girl left home Oct. 30, two days before she turned 18 after a tumultuous stretch during which her parents separated and reconciled and the teen began getting into uncharacteristic trouble at school."

 

I don't agree with the girl suing her parents for support, but this does paint a much different picture of the overall situation. This doesn't sound like a runaway from a loving, stable home, but rather a more complex situation involving serious family problems. The girl's demands for support are unreasonable, but I feel very sorry for her and genuinely worried that she is being manipulated by the (equally selfish) people around her. A girl with an eating disorder and a home life in turmoil is a much sadder situation than the one being painted in the media. I guess the story, "Teen Struggling with Eating Disorder Gets Kicked Out in the Midst of Parents' Marriage Problems," doesn't sound as catchy as, "Bratty, Rich Private School Girl Runs Away Then Sues for Child Support." A sad situation all around.

[unsinkable]

She's mentally ill, brilliant, and spoiled rotten. It's common combination in upper income families for some reason.

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or wry or serious.

 

Yes, I think she is mentally ill (or was) if her mom found bags of vomit in her room.

 

I don't know about brilliant. Honor students are competent at playing the game of school, but not always brilliant.

 

Spoiled rotten...yeah, because I think her parents might have tried to be her "friend" instead of her parents. If her dad was drinking with her the summer before all this began, when she was 17, then to me that says he wanted to be the cool friend, not the mature dad.

[SKL]

I will say that I wasn't impressed with the parent's lawyer in the linked video.  She seems unprepared or like she doesn't know how to focus on what's important.  I hope that moment was the exception to the rule.

 

If I were the judge I'd want to go smack the 18yo's lawyer, who is being just as ridiculous as the 18yo.

[unsinkable]

I agree. It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than simply a spoiled, rich girl. I read elsewhere that the parents separated and then reunited right before she either left home or was kicked out (depending on who you believe). I'm not sure how to link the article, but here is the quote:

 

"Court documents show frequent causes of parent-teenage tension - boyfriends and alcohol - taken to an extreme. In the filings, there are accusations and denials, but one thing is clear: the girl left home Oct. 30, two days before she turned 18 after a tumultuous stretch during which her parents separated and reconciled and the teen began getting into uncharacteristic trouble at school."

 

I don't agree with the girl suing her parents for support, but this does paint a much different picture of the overall situation. This doesn't sound like a runaway from a loving, stable home, but rather a more complex situation involving serious family problems. The girl's demands for support are unreasonable, but I feel very sorry for her and genuinely worried that she is being manipulated by the (equally selfish) people around her. A girl with an eating disorder and a home life in turmoil is a much sadder situation than the one being painted in the media. I guess the story, "Teen Struggling with Eating Disorder Gets Kicked Out in the Midst of Parents' Marriage Problems," doesn't sound as catchy as, "Bratty, Rich Private School Girl Runs Away Then Sues for Child Support." A sad situation all around.

Yes, the last line especially.

 

BUT! A redeemable situation, I think, if everyone puts down their weapons (metaphor) and gets some help outside of the spotlight.

[FaithManor]

 

 

If I were the judge I'd want to go smack the 18yo's lawyer, who is being just as ridiculous as the 18yo.

It's probably not a popular sentiment, but sometimes I really wish that judges could literally slap people. It just seems like there are a few situations, this one especially, in which reaching out and conking someone on the head appears to be the best response! LOL

[Carol in Cal.]

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or wry or serious.

 

Yes, I think she is mentally ill (or was) if her mom found bags of vomit in her room.

 

I don't know about brilliant. Honor students are competent at playing the game of school, but not always brilliant.

 

Spoiled rotten...yeah, because I think her parents might have tried to be her "friend" instead of her parents. If her dad was drinking with her the summer before all this began, when she was 17, then to me that says he wanted to be the cool friend, not the mature dad.

 

I was being serious.  It's a real problem around here in Silicon Valley.

Kids basically under tremendous performance and social pressure, smart kids, given many advantages but no let up from the pressure, developing mental problems.  It's a 'poor little rich girl' scenerio, from the sound of it.  Parents that aren't quite 'on', high stakes high school life with extra curriculars and honors work the norm in order to get into a good university, lots of material advantages, a great deal of pressure esp. toward appearance, and then cracking, bulemia, drinking, self-indulgence, etc.  Basically an advantaged but high wire act life, pretty miserable unless you can stay up there, miserable to have to try so hard to make it all look easy. 

 

I feel sorry for all of them.  But I don't think her case has actual merit.

[SKL]

I agree. It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than simply a spoiled, rich girl. I read elsewhere that the parents separated and then reunited right before she either left home or was kicked out (depending on who you believe). I'm not sure how to link the article, but here is the quote:

 

"Court documents show frequent causes of parent-teenage tension - boyfriends and alcohol - taken to an extreme. In the filings, there are accusations and denials, but one thing is clear: the girl left home Oct. 30, two days before she turned 18 after a tumultuous stretch during which her parents separated and reconciled and the teen began getting into uncharacteristic trouble at school."

 

I don't agree with the girl suing her parents for support, but this does paint a much different picture of the overall situation. This doesn't sound like a runaway from a loving, stable home, but rather a more complex situation involving serious family problems. The girl's demands for support are unreasonable, but I feel very sorry for her and genuinely worried that she is being manipulated by the (equally selfish) people around her. A girl with an eating disorder and a home life in turmoil is a much sadder situation than the one being painted in the media. I guess the story, "Teen Struggling with Eating Disorder Gets Kicked Out in the Midst of Parents' Marriage Problems," doesn't sound as catchy as, "Bratty, Rich Private School Girl Runs Away Then Sues for Child Support." A sad situation all around.

 

But in real life, most kids have drama and tension in their families.  It is the rare family that has two constantly mellow, responsible, harmonious parents throughout the childrearing years.  Part of growing up is learning to deal with this.

 

Also, it is quite possible that the tension between the parents were caused or exacerbated by the daughter's problems.  That isn't unusual; in fact, disagreeing over the children is one of the main reasons behind separations / divorces.

[unsinkable]

I was being serious. It's a real problem around here in Silicon Valley.

Kids basically under tremendous performance and social pressure, smart kids, given many advantages but no let up from the pressure, developing mental problems. It's a 'poor little rich girl' scenerio, from the sound of it. Parents that aren't quite 'on', high stakes high school life with extra curriculars and honors work the norm in order to get into a good university, lots of material advantages, a great deal of pressure esp. toward appearance, and then cracking, bulemia, drinking, self-indulgence, etc. Basically an advantaged but high wire act life, pretty miserable unless you can stay up there, miserable to have to try so hard to make it all look easy.

 

I feel sorry for all of them. But I don't think her case has actual merit.

Thanks. I agree with your points.

 

I don't think the legal case has merit, either. But the family really needs help.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Oh my. I was born and raised in that area - I know some of the "families" and names kinda involved. Wow.

DW teaches,in Denville, maybe a mile from Morris Catholic. That's a funky town, with a good sized population of entitled new-money kids, along with some genuinely nice, grounded kids. I don't recognize this particular name, but I'm sure there's a backstory we aren't hearing.

 

Not for nothing, but among the many private schools here, Morris Catholic is not what you'd call an elite institution.

 

Sounds like teenage sour grapes paired with less than model parenting.

[Catwoman]

It does sound like there were issues within the household, but it appears that as soon as the mom found the bags of vomit in the girl's room, she immediately took her to doctors and specialists, and got her into counseling for it. It does seem that the parents did everything they could to try to help her recover, and that all along, they have been asking her to go to family counseling with them, even if she isn't moving back home right away.

 

I'm not convinced about the "drinking alcohol with Dad" story, either, because she seems to be making up stories about her parents as she goes along.

 

If anyone is to blame for this lawsuit insanity, I think it's the friend's father, who is using her to gain publicity for himself. He has political aspirations and I think he's trying to become a household name. (It seems to be working, but not in a good way.)

 

The parents are between a rock and a hard place. Their daughter is spiraling out of control, and the meddlesome friend's father is doing everything he can to keep the family apart, so they have no way to help her.

[Danestress]

Given that she's living with a lawyer that started the case and tacked on a lovely $12,000.00 charge for the parents to pay, this would not be a long shot. He sees the young girl as a cash cow.

 

 

 

 

Well, yes, she is living with an attorney.  But he is not representing her.  He is paying her legal fees, but he is not involved in the case as an attorney.  I read several articles about the case last night, and this doe not seem to be in dispute, though correct me if I am mistaken. 

[gardenmom5]

Well, renting a car is a big responsibility. One mustn't take it lightly.

 

it's the rental companies that have that power.  they want to have a better outcome of no accidents and getting their money.

 

2dd did a trip to a conference with her prof and a bunch of students.  when they got to the other end, her prof didn't have his driver's license.  (we don't know how he got on the plane.)  the rental agency wouldn't rent him a van.  he was very happy 2dd was over 25 (she'd had a two-year sabbatical to go to south America), as he then had her sign for the van.  (the school was paying for everything.)  He drove it.

 

my girls have both said they know they're adults because they can rent a car.

[SKL]

Well, yes, she is living with an attorney.  But he is not representing her.  He is paying her legal fees, but he is not involved in the case as an attorney.  I read several articles about the case last night, and this doe not seem to be in dispute, though correct me if I am mistaken. 

 

I understand the attorney who is on the case is a friend of the guy she's living with.

 

Surely if they win her an "allowance," it will be retroactive and her "benefactors" [puke] will get at least a good-sized chunk of that.  And surely they expect that attorney fees will be covered.

 

I think it would be poetic justice if, after losing the case against her parents, the 18yo turns around and sues the "benefactors" for misguiding her and keeping her away from mommy and daddy.  LOL.

 

[Cinder]

 when they got to the other end, her prof didn't have his driver's license.  (we don't know how he got on the plane.)

 

I know this is OT but it reminds me of mil losing her license on a plane trip. She had it out to get on the plane and apparently it was still in her hand when she boarded and sat down. Then in the process of putting it in her purse she dropped it. And it was lost. She looked and looked, even after the flight landed and everyone got out. She asked for help trying to find it. It was never found. Best we can figure is it fell into some kind of opening--maybe an air vent or something? Crazy, I know, but possible.

[mommaduck]

It does sound like there were issues within the household, but it appears that as soon as the mom found the bags of vomit in the girl's room, she immediately took her to doctors and specialists, and got her into counseling for it. It does seem that the parents did everything they could to try to help her recover, and that all along, they have been asking her to go to family counseling with them, even if she isn't moving back home right away.

 

I'm not convinced about the "drinking alcohol with Dad" story, either, because she seems to be making up stories about her parents as she goes along.

 

If anyone is to blame for this lawsuit insanity, I think it's the friend's father, who is using her to gain publicity for himself. He has political aspirations and I think he's trying to become a household name. (It seems to be working, but not in a good way.)

 

The parents are between a rock and a hard place. Their daughter is spiraling out of control, and the meddlesome friend's father is doing everything he can to keep the family apart, so they have no way to help her.

 

"Drinking alcohol with Dad" could be as simple as dad gave her a sip out of his can. Something that is not uncommon or illegal in some states. In certain types of churches, children get a spoon of wine every week from infancy. During celebrations, children in those churches might be given a small portion of watered down wine. "Drinking alcohol with Dad" could mean so many things and be dragged out to look like something entirely different than reality.

 

I'm calling spoiled brat and an an adult wanting to exploit her for his own purposes on this one.

[unsinkable]

"Drinking alcohol with Dad" could be as simple as dad gave her a sip out of his can. Something that is not uncommon or illegal in some states. In certain types of churches, children get a spoon of wine every week from infancy. During celebrations, children in those churches might be given a small portion of watered down wine. "Drinking alcohol with Dad" could mean so many things and be dragged out to look like something entirely different than reality.

 

I'm calling spoiled brat and an an adult wanting to exploit her for his own purposes on this one.

she said he woke her up in the middle of the night to play beer pong with him. And another time, he was giving her multiple drinks at a wedding.

[kubiac]

All I want to know is what I need to do to make my kids not end up on this girl's end of the smart-spoiled-and-insane end of the spectrum.

 

I think they need to let her loose. I feel like it's better for her to lose her mind and ruin her life at 18 than at 23 or 28. The delay won't help things. S

 

She's still so attached to her parents (or else why spite them so much?) and I think she needs to be find out what it is to be an adult. She's going to go through some STDs and a DUI at least before she comes out the other side, but maybe she needs to bang into something hard to get her head straight.

[SKL]

she said he woke her up in the middle of the night to play beer pong with him. And another time, he was giving her multiple drinks at a wedding.

 

I don't believe her.

 

If the latter is true, she should have no trouble finding witnesses.

 

I have no problem with her not wanting to go home, whether because it's allegedly a horrible place, or because she won't put her romance on hold and learn to be civil with her mom.  But she needs to accept the reality that she's an adult.  Time to get a job, is what I'm saying.  A job can do wonders for one's emotional and mental state.

[Danestress]

I don't believe her.

 

If the latter is true, she should have no trouble finding witnesses.

 

I have no problem with her not wanting to go home, whether because it's allegedly a horrible place, or because she won't put her romance on hold and learn to be civil with her mom.  But she needs to accept the reality that she's an adult.  Time to get a job, is what I'm saying.  A job can do wonders for one's emotional and mental state.

 

I can't say whether I think she is lying or not.  I certainly believe that kind of thing happens pretty regularly in seemingly "nice" families.  Sad but true.  And when kids are really wild and unruly, they are harder to sympathize with, but I also wonder if we should think about whether that wildness and rebellion might be a response to the pain of a terribly dysfunctional situation.  I'm not saying that all "wild child" kids have bad parents.  Not at all.  But the fact that she has made some bad decisions with boys and drinking and can't get along with her parents does not make her less believable to me. 

 

 But I'm not sure that, even if it is all true, she should be able to force her parents to pay her college tuition.  Good parents or bad parents, I think parents should normally be able to make their own decisions about whether to pay for college.  But NJ law does seem really prone, in cases of divorce, to make parents contribute.  So she's trying to come under that law, but her parents are married.  Lots of really great parents choose not to pay for college, and certainly bad ones have the same options. 

[MinivanMom]

I can't say whether I think she is lying or not.  I certainly believe that kind of thing happens pretty regularly in seemingly "nice" families.  Sad but true.  And when kids are really wild and unruly, they are harder to sympathize with, but I also wonder if we should think about whether that wildness and rebellion might be a response to the pain of a terribly dysfunctional situation.  I'm not saying that all "wild child" kids have bad parents.  Not at all.  But the fact that she has made some bad decisions with boys and drinking and can't get along with her parents does not make her less believable to me. 

 

 But I'm not sure that, even if it is all true, she should be able to force her parents to pay her college tuition.  Good parents or bad parents, I think parents should normally be able to make their own decisions about whether to pay for college.  But NJ law does seem really prone, in cases of divorce, to make parents contribute.  So she's trying to come under that law, but her parents are married.  Lots of really great parents choose not to pay for college, and certainly bad ones have the same options. 

 

That's interesting about NJ law. Is it possible that after a rather dysfunctional home life, she was pleased her parents were splitting? A divorce settlement would have meant she could go off and live on her own, yet her divorced parents would have been obligated to fund her college. Instead, the parents reunite and come down hard on her for bad choices that were probably partially fueled by the home dysfunction to begin with. I'm just speculating here, but dysfunctional families love to have a scapegoat and she's made herself a very easy target.

 

I still feel bad for her. She needed some supportive adults that would give her some real-world advice, and who would encourage her to get a job and take the scholarship to the second-tier college. Instead she's got parasitic lawyers encouraging her to sue. Sounds like she thinks her situation (bad home life & no $$ for college) is unusual. Perhaps it's unusual amongst her private school friends, but her story is actually a pretty common one. I'm thinking that nothing would help her more than volunteering at a shelter for runaway/throwaway teens (or maybe a stint living in one herself). That would sure be a reality check.

 

[LostSurprise]

But in real life, most kids have drama and tension in their families.  It is the rare family that has two constantly mellow, responsible, harmonious parents throughout the childrearing years.  Part of growing up is learning to deal with this.

 

Also, it is quite possible that the tension between the parents were caused or exacerbated by the daughter's problems.  That isn't unusual; in fact, disagreeing over the children is one of the main reasons behind separations / divorces.

 

My parents separated around the time their most difficult child left home. The strain of trying to get that child graduated, disagreements about how to manage them and their problems, constant worry, guilt, blaming...it's not unusual for one person's problems to cause so much tension that it unbalances everything else. The parent that left actually said that they couldn't stand the pressure of dealing day to day within the family anymore.

 

2.5 years later they got back together, all the kids were out of the house, and that particular sibling had grown up quite a bit.

 

 

While I can't say why this couple separated last fall, it doesn't seem surprising or unlikely to me that the entire situation was overwhelming to everyone concerned. Obviously the family was at an impasse. The teen felt her rights as an independent person were not being upheld; the parents thought their rights to regulate and instruct were not being respected. This kind of impasse is playing out in tens of thousands of families across the US. The difference is that this particular young woman wants both her own way and what she's expected out of her life with her parents. I think both she and her parents are finding that we don't always get what we expect out of life. 

 

You can't regulate other people. You're the only person you can control. Her parents know that (now, if they didn't before), and now she's finding it out too. 

[LMV]

Given the timing of things, I'm suspecting that this has a lot to do with her eating disorder.  It sounds like the parents (especially mom) were pretty much requiring that she get help and treatment so I have to wonder if her friend's house is a way out of all of that just as much as the desirability of her friend's parents purported laxity of rules and availability of alcohol.  The parents marital problems over the summer may have also at least in part been due to the stress over her illness and her efforts to play them against each other to get what she thought she wanted.   I'm not saying that I agree with exactly how the parents handled everything. [i strongly doubt I would have left her alone in October 2013 with no in house adult supervision and, providing that the alcohol allegations raised by the Cannings are true, I definitely would have never allowed her to spend another night at the Inglesino house after the first alcohol incident in March 2011.] Of course, I bet my parenting wouldn't garner unanimous approval from the masses either and I very well may be missing key details regarding this which might have altered my position. I do sense that the Cannings truly want what is best for their daughter and I feel badly that others seem to be interfering in ways that are thwarting the process.

 

[Lolly]

Either you have missed my point or you are deliberately ignoring it. Either way, hopefully others who read this thread will think twice before they assume that the 'parent's expected contribution' is the only thing that the FAFSA is good for as you appear to have done.

 

No, I know it was a qualifier for EFC, grants, loans, and in some cases scholarships and merit aid. While the scholarships and merit aid is not directly listed, I am remembering the loans and grants being included. I might be wrong, it has been a while. To be honest, one who stayed instate could have gotten a small amount of $ from lottery money. It just wasn't worth the invasion of privacy to us. Loans are pretty much always offered. We don't do loans. 

 

Well, yes, she is living with an attorney.  But he is not representing her.  He is paying her legal fees, but he is not involved in the case as an attorney.  I read several articles about the case last night, and this doe not seem to be in dispute, though correct me if I am mistaken. 

 

The first article I read said that the attorney she was living with was her attorney. A later, more in depth article stated it was someone else. I do wonder if the first article was wrong (as they sometimes are), or if he realized he was looking like a money chasing scumbag and got someone else to represent her.

 

edited: My bad, the first article did not specify who the attorney was representing her. On reading, it was very easy to make the assumption that it was the friend's father. Badly worded article.

[simplemom]

Although it seems that society is changing that, bit-by-bit. I wouldn't be surprised if in the next 25 years, the age for legal adulthood becomes 21, forcing parents into 3 more years of financial responsibility.

If they did change the age of legal adulthood to 21, think we'd get our tax breaks for having kids extended 3 more years, lol?! I would definitely use those extra 3 years to have my children cook, clean, run errands, and do yard work while dh and I relaxed a bit. Just kidding, to a degree. :)

[Mrs Mungo]

If they did change the age of legal adulthood to 21, think we'd get our tax breaks for having kids extended 3 more years, lol?!

I doubt it. Right now they end the year our kids turn 17 (something we didn't realize with our oldest and almost caused us to pay when we did our taxes).

[Miss Peregrine]

I doubt it. Right now they end the year our kids turn 17 (something we didn't realize with our oldest and almost caused us to pay when we did our taxes).

That was an unwelcome surprise for us this year.

[LMV]

I doubt it. Right now they end the year our kids turn 17 (something we didn't realize with our oldest and almost caused us to pay when we did our taxes).

 

You can claim them as qualifying children until they are nineteen [or twenty four if they are full time students] providing that they live with you at least half of the year and you provide at least half of their support.  

[Mrs Mungo]

You can claim them as qualifying children until they are nineteen [or twenty four if they are full time students] providing that they live with you at least half of the year and you provide at least half of their support.

You can claim them as dependents, sure, but you don't get the same tax breaks as when they were considered children.

 

http://www.irs.gov/uac/Ten-Facts-about-the-Child-Tax-Credit

[Miss Peregrine]

You can claim them as qualifying children until they are nineteen [or twenty four if they are full time students] providing that they live with you at least half of the year and you provide at least half of their support.

For dependents, yes. The child tax credit disappears at 17.

[LMV]

For dependents, yes. The child tax credit disappears at 17.

We've never been eligible for the child tax credit so I wasn't thinking of it.  Sorry.

[SKL]

This case does illustrate to some extent why people become legally adults at 18.  It's because at that age, many young people find their parents' control over their lives intolerable.  And many parents find their kids' uncooperative behavior at home intolerable.  And the reality is that it is no longer necessary for the mutual toleration to continue.  "There's the door."

 

Not sure why so many people in this case can't seem to just let the inevitable happen.  Personally I'd probably say, "you're an adult now, congratulations!  You don't have to put up with our parenting any more.  Where do you plan on living?"

 

I don't know why she was held back in school at some point.  Had she not been, she would have graduated last year and there would be no complications over not having a high school diploma when the time came to move out.  [ETA: some people have pointed out that individual districts in New Jersey have an earlier cutoff date than the state's November 30, so maybe she is in the normal year for her age, but still on the older side.]

 

Nowadays a lot of parents seem to believe that having their kids graduate high school and start college later will be better for their kids.  I wouldn't be so sure.  I'd rather have my kids' diploma in hand before the whole "you have no right to tell me" starts (legally).  I have a brother who was very independent, and living at home past 18 was just not right in his case.  I see a lot of people getting "kicked out" of their homes around that age, and many others leaving in a huff.  Maybe, just maybe, it's developmentally appropriate for some people to leave the nest at 18.

[simplemom]

Love all of you for replying about the tax breaks, but I DISLIKE your posts of tax credits being less as our kids get past 17, because kids cost more money past 17 for those parents who are able to pay for their college tuition. I sure hope my kid's don't sue me for private school tuition when they turn 18!

[Lolly]

This case does illustrate to some extent why people become legally adults at 18.  It's because at that age, many young people find their parents' control over their lives intolerable.  And many parents find their kids' uncooperative behavior at home intolerable.  And the reality is that it is no longer necessary for the mutual toleration to continue.  "There's the door."

 

Not sure why so many people in this case can't seem to just let the inevitable happen.  Personally I'd probably say, "you're an adult now, congratulations!  You don't have to put up with our parenting any more.  Where do you plan on living?"

 

I don't know why she was held back in school at some point.  Had she not been, she would have graduated last year and there would be no complications over not having a high school diploma when the time came to move out.

 

Nowadays a lot of parents seem to believe that having their kids graduate high school and start college later will be better for their kids.  I wouldn't be so sure.  I'd rather have my kids' diploma in hand before the whole "you have no right to tell me" starts (legally).  I have a brother who was very independent, and living at home past 18 was just not right in his case.  I see a lot of people getting "kicked out" of their homes around that age, and many others leaving in a huff.  Maybe, just maybe, it's developmentally appropriate for some people to leave the nest at 18.

 

Her birthday is in October. In almost all states, she would turn 18 shortly after entering her senior year. No holding back required.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't know why she was held back in school at some point.  Had she not been, she would have graduated last year and there would be no complications over not having a high school diploma when the time came to move out.

What makes you think she was held back? The public schools in most states (and all DoD schools) require students be five before kindergarten starts. My eldest's birthday is in December. I kept her in the "grade level" with her same aged peers, regardless of the level of the work she was doing. Therefore, she will be 18 1/2 when she graduates.

[Word Nerd]

What makes you think she was held back? The public schools in most states (and all DoD schools) require students be five before kindergarten starts. My eldest's birthday is in December. I kept her in the "grade level" with her same aged peers, regardless of the level of the work she was doing. Therefore, she will be 18 1/2 when she graduates.

 

This. My DDs will be 17 when they graduate, but that's because they have summer birthdays. Most of their classmates will turn 18 during their senior year.

[gardenmom5]

My parents separated around the time their most difficult child left home. The strain of trying to get that child graduated, disagreements about how to manage them and their problems, constant worry, guilt, blaming...it's not unusual for one person's problems to cause so much tension that it unbalances everything else. 

 

my oldest sibling was "the problem".  (and an interfering grandmother). my parents talked about divorce, and I remember being thrilled at the thought of getting away from my sister. (I'd go live with my dad.)  thing is, my sister continued to be a major problem even after my father's death. - with the sense of entitlement that she should have gotten a cut of the life insurance money.  so far as I know, she still resents that they wasn't given any.  (it's been a *long* time.)

[TechWife]

I doubt it. Right now they end the year our kids turn 17 (something we didn't realize with our oldest and almost caused us to pay when we did our taxes).

 

Really? I had no idea. My son just turned 17, so we can't claim him this year? Wow. I was under the impression we could claim him until he finished school. Yikes. 

[Caroline]

Really? I had no idea. My son just turned 17, so we can't claim him this year? Wow. I was under the impression we could claim him until he finished school. Yikes.

He can be a dependent. You cannot get the child tax credit for him.

[unsinkable]

Really? I had no idea. My son just turned 17, so we can't claim him this year? Wow. I was under the impression we could claim him until he finished school. Yikes.

He is still a dependant but you no longer get a child tax credit once he's 17.

[Mrs Mungo]

He can be a dependent. You cannot get the child tax credit for him.

Exactly this. Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't claim him as a dependent. The fact that we didn't receive the child tax credit for our eldest the year she turned 17 (and her birthday is in December) is why we almost had to pay taxes. As it was, we got a tiny bit back, under $50.

[zoobie]

BPD is a common diagnosis in patients with eating disorders. If that part of her mother's version is true, BPD would make sense as well. Armchair psychology, absolutely, but I think her behavior is well outside societal norms and SOMETHING likely is going on.

[SKL]

What makes you think she was held back?

 

The cutoff is November 30 in New Jersey.

 

True, in many states she'd simply be one of the oldest students, but the point is that being older isn't always better as some people seem to think.

[SKL]

BPD is a common diagnosis in patients with eating disorders. If that part of her mother's version is true, BPD would make sense as well. Armchair psychology, absolutely, but I think her behavior is well outside societal norms and SOMETHING likely is going on.

 

I don't disagree, but this is like any situation where an adult family member has mental problems.  At that point the parents have no right to force treatment, so therefore it is not fair to create a duty for them to deal with it the way those with minor children have to.  At this point the parents can't use force but they can try to use reason, natural consequences, etc. - provided that there aren't unrelated "benefactors" interfering with that.

 

If she is mentally ill to the point of not being able to take care of herself, and the judge puts the responsibility back on the parents, then does that mean the parents can collect disability benefits for having to support a disabled adult?  Or maybe they should dip into her college fund to pay for her upkeep?

[Catwoman]

Deleted because my post was completely clueless.

 

Thanks to SKL for pointing it out to me (and for being nice about it! :))

[SKL]

I have no clue as to whether or not she was ever held back a year, but when she was entering kindergarten at a private school, they may have admitted her early. Also, NJ used to allow kids to enter PS kindergarten early if they demonstrated certain skills, so maybe those exceptions were still being made back when Rachel was starting school.

 

Again, I have no idea about her specific circumstances, but there is definitely a chance that an exception was made for her to start early.

 

She started late, not early.  Or she repeated.

[Danestress]

She started late, not early. Or she repeated.

Not sure about NJ, but here she would be in the appropriate grade. Graduating at 17 is certainly "done" here, but that would be "early" for an october birthday here.