Do you think it is important to give each of your children the same amount of college money?

[Nan in Mass]

Or do you think it is ok to give a different amount to each?

(I know this is a very old literature theme, being a very, very old question, but that doesn't make it worth thinking about today, especially for those who are dealing with college for their older ones.)

 

Nan

[8filltheheart]

Equal amt is rather difficult to gauge. What will college cost 15 yrs from now?

 

Our perspective is to help each of our children according to our abilities at the time since we have no idea what the future holds. Our oldest graduated with $7000 in college debt accrued after he got married (once he got married, he was financially independent.). Our dd will have none when she finishes. We have told ds the max we can afford and he is going to have to work within those parameters or take out student loans.

[regentrude]

No, I do not think that equal amounts of money matter.

For one sibling, the ideal education, both academically and socially, may be at some selective private university that happens to be more expensive, whereas the other sibling may be better served by attending the local public university. One child may be ready to move away from home, another may need to live at home for college. One child's specialized major may be only taught at a more expensive school, whereas the sibling's major has a strong program at the college down the street.

I think parents should be thoughtful when allocating resources to balance all siblings' needs, but this does not mean that each sibling receives the same amount of money.

 

ETA: Not exactly college, but pertinent because it is about parental support:

I have two siblings. My parents helped us financially in completely different ways. I lived at home when I went to college, but once I moved out, I never needed any help. My sister was a single teen mom, lived at home for several years, and my parents supported her financially after she had moved out until she had finished medical school and was self sufficient. My brother is mentally retarded and lives in an institution. The three of us had completely different life situations and different needs, and my parents allocated their money (and time!) according to their children's needs. I never begrudged my sister the support - financial and child care-  she received, because I did not need it.

I expect my children to understand that different amounts of money we may spend on their education do not mean different amounts of love, but our best effort to help them get an education that is a good fit for them.

 

 

2nd ETA: I do, however, not talk about gross inequalities based on favoritism or gender bias. I do not condone medieval attitudes like paying for an exclusive university education for the first born son because he is the first born son while not supporting a daughter's education because she is a girl and supposed to be married off.

[maize]

No.

 

I plan to do what my parents did, help each child to the best of my ability without sacrificing the needs of the rest of the family. Some of my siblings had higher college costs than others; it varied according to where we went to school--military academy, inexpensive university, expensive university--and how much need based or merit aid each received. And to some extent it also varied according to the perceived needs and lifestyle of the children, some of us are naturally more frugal and less likely to ask for extra funds! My parent's financial position has varied through the years as well. We all made it through school, most with minimal or no debt. There are ten of us siblings, and the fact that mom and dad spent more money on college for some of us than for others has not been an issue. They've done their best for each of us, and built a sense of family unity that is a blessing that grows with the years. Those are the things that matter.

[Elisabet1]

Or do you think it is ok to give a different amount to each?

(I know this is a very old literature theme, being a very, very old question, but that doesn't make it worth thinking about today, especially for those who are dealing with college for their older ones.)

 

Nan

No

 

My oldest did not even try in high school, or the years before that. In the end, he was told get his own financing or I would only pay for him to live at home and go to CC.

 

My second has worked very hard. She has high grades, lots of ECs, tons of volunteer work. Both have similar SATs which tells me they were both capable. She will have, I think, about 12 APs. CC is not even a good option for her. So we are willing to pay more for her than we would for him. 

 

Plus, I never give a child college money. I expect them to try hard. If one has a reasonable choice for college that costs more, then I will pay more for that. There is no blank check here, or simply an amount of money given. I have seen parents who set up equal college funds and the kids can spend it on college or cash out and keep the money. No way would I ever do that. I am willing to help pay for their education. But I am not here to pay for their partying or fun times in an adult life. They should get an education so they can get a good paying job to get that. If they do not want to go to college, then they need to set goals to fit and live off the life that provides for them. It is just not my job to pay for their adult life (unless there is a good reason like they have special needs, but even then, I would not just give money). 

[Caroline]

My oldest and youngest are 12 years apart. College costs will certainly change in that time. We may have to move for employment reasons, so which schools are in state may change.

 

Our in state school is one of the top 5 in the nation for my oldest's major. He has a full tuition scholarship from the state. If the scholarship goes bankrupt before the next kid goes, his college will cost more, even if he stays in state.

 

And what if our state doesn't have a good school for his major? (Kind of unlikely at the point, but he is only in seventh grade and his preferences could change in the next 5 years.)

 

So my answer is no.

[Crimson Wife]

My parents paid for 3 years' tuition for each of us. I graduated in '99 while my youngest brother didn't graduate until '07 so obviously my brother got more money. He also had 1 year of law school paid for by my grandmother (she made the same offer to all her grandchildren but my brother was the only one who chose to take her up on it).

 

Now what my IL's did to my DH I think was totally wrong: when he chose to attend Stanford rather than the local state school, they refused to give him a dime of the money they had saved for him & instead transferred it to SIL's and BIL's college savings accounts. The attempt to use the power of the pocketbook to control DH backfired, because DH simply found his own financing (ROTC covered most, and he patched together other scholarships & summer/PT work to graduated debt-free). It also permanently damaged the relationship between DH and FIL.

[Elisabet1]

My inlaws did a lot wrong too. They were willing to pay for my husband only while he took the courses they picked. I am talking, even on electives. FIL wanted him to be a business major. DH wanted to do computer science. As soon as he took a computer science elective, he was cut off. Also, MIL demanded that DH stay with her every weekend. Meanwhile, SIL, who cannot stay employed and jumps from thing to thing, had permission to do all sorts of things that they deemed "fine for a girl." They funded her 100% while she did hair cutting. As in, they gave her a credit card for spending all she wanted and paid her apartment and car and even paid for vacations she took with boyfriends. She failed at that and a number of other attempts at things, and she is in her 40's now and they are still paying. My husband is still paying his student loans from his computer science degree. He ended up changing his major to computer science once they cut him off for taking 1 computer science course. Now he earns more than he ever would have with some business degree. And he would have been miserable in business. He got promoted to IT manager for few years ago. So he had 15 software engineers that he supervised. But, he hated it. He just wanted to return to software development. I think after 5 years of that, he begged to go back to software development and a 1/3 pay cut. He is much happier now. I am much happier that he is much happier.

 

Their extreme attempt to control him was just a sign of bigger problems. We have not seen them in a long time. They know they are not welcome in our lives.

[8filltheheart]

This is not related to college costs, but simple financial reality.......

 

We have told our older kids that things will be different for their younger siblings than for them. We don't travel much or go to parks like Disney World, etc bc the cost for traveling with our entire family and paying admission is huge. But, they lived in Brazil, we lived our weekends doing their interests (soccer every season from the time oldest was 4 until 18), got up at 5 to take do school so dd's could figure skate for hours daily (and I had to entertain younger siblings at the rink). I don't have the energy for those things any more, so the younger kids miss out on that. They are involved in very little outside the house that requires serious time commitment.

 

But, when our older kids move out, we will downsize house and hopefully have the ability to do traveling and things the older kids didn't get to.

 

It is completely unrealistic to envision an "equal" lifestyle with 5 kids under 9 to 7 kids under 16 to only having a 17 and 13 yr old at home. Our finances have definitely been affected by the first 2 scenarios and I am sure they will be by the last! Considering our oldest won't be 25 until August and his third child is due in May, I think he understands. ;)

 

The same goes for college expenses. How much income is just being used for daily living? How much is able to be saved? How much is disposable for additional expenses? It is impossible to even judge bc incomes change but so does the economy of the country, value of investments, etc.

[Jenny in Florida]

We've always told our kids, with everything, that we do our very best to provide support for each one to get the opportunities that are appropriate for him or her. That may well not mean equal amounts of money at equivalent moments in time. But it means we do our best for each kid all of the time.

 

For example, our daughter left home at 12 to enroll in a residential early entrance college program 800 miles from home. It is the only program of its kind in the country, and we made the decision to allow her to go only after doing a lot of research on alternatives. Once it became clear that this was really the best possible option for her, both academically and socially, we gulped and took out loans and figured out how to pay the tuition. (She did get a nice merit scholarship, but it still left a hefty amount due each year.) During those four years, we also devoted more hours and dollars than I care to add up on travelling to campus and back, both to get her to campus and home for each semester and break (Flying her was difficult and expensive because of her age and the location of the school.) and to see her performances and attend family events . . .

 

Seriously, we'll be paying off those bills for years to come.

 

Meanwhile, our son is 15 and applying to colleges now. He'll be 16 by the time he actually moves into a dorm and doesn't need a special early entrance program, which opens up a lot more possibilities of schools to consider. He is in the position of being able to apply to several colleges offering programs that appeal to him, applying for aid and scholarships at all of them and, once the final award letters come in, comparing options. While we have made it clear that we will do what is necessary to send him to the best possible choice, we are area also being up front about the fact that the financial aspect is a big consideration. We expect him to be willing to choose his favorite campus from whatever small selection of colleges ends up in a given range of out-of-pocket annual expenses for us. I've explained to him that:

 

1. Because of his age and academic interests, he doesn't "need" to go to an expensive, out-of-state college without regard for the amount of aid offered there.

2. While it is true that we may end up having spent more out of pocket on his sister's college education, we have definitely invested significantly more in his dance training in the last few years than she cost us in extracurricular expenses during all of her years before leaving for school.

3. We've supported each of them as best we can in the way that seems most appropriate for each individual kid.

 

I think they understand that it all works out.

 

 

[swellmomma]

I won't be giving the same amount to my kids.  My oldest 2 I have nothing to give, but they will be getting help from their father presumably.  3rd will have his lawsuit money so he won't be needing my help.  That leaves youngest, who won't be going to university for another 12 years, my assumption is in 12 years I will be in a place financially to aid her in some way with money for school.  Unlike the other 3 she won't have another sourcfe to garner money from for that so I really hope I'll be able to give her some where I am giving the others none.

 

 

ETA: my parents did not help in anyway with my post secondary.  I moved out when I was 18.5 before even applying to schools.  I did move back when I started university but paid rent to them, which meant taking out student loans for my full tuition and books and then working enough to cover rent.  I left again 18 months later and dropped out of school.  WHen I returned to college 2 more times I got student loans for the full amount plus living expenses.  At that point I was a single mom.  My siblings by contrast lived at home rent free for the full 4 years of their degrees, and my folks covered things like bus passes etc for transportation to and from school.  THey also took out loans for tuition and books but didn't have to work during the year, when they worked in the summer all their money went to school to lower loans etc.

I was talking to my mom about the teens plans for college the other day.  Both have chosen a school in the city where my folks and sister live, so I asked about possible room and board for them to live with family while they attended vs dorm costs.  She declared no one wants the responsibility of them.  I asked what responsibility, they will be adults attending university, I just thought it would be nice to stay with family rather than strangers.  But nope they are not welcome, period.  SInce it is still 3 years off I won't worry about talking to sister yet.  I had hoped that would be one way the family could assist the kids with university, giving them a place to live while they studied which would lower their annual cost by $6500, that is huge imo.

[Pawz4me]

I guess it depends on exactly what you mean.

 

Would I fully fund one child's attendance to a costly private school, and tell the other one that he (or she) had to settle for the best deal available even if that meant a less-than-desirable (for him) school?  Absolutely not.

 

But if one child's top choice school is more/less expensive than the other child's top choice, then I don't see a problem with that.  They're both being given the opportunity to attend the school of their choice.

 

If I had several kids spread out over many years, I think we'd likely do the best we could to plan to allocate money equally.  That's not a situation we're going to encounter since we only have two and they're only three years apart, so it's not something  we've had to think about or plan for.  It certainly is a lot trickier to think about than our situation.

[Wheres Toto]

Things are likely to be very different for my younger two than they are for my oldest.    Oldest is going to a local in-state school which is serving her needs well.  She'll also be going to graduate school which we will more than likely help pay for.   Her father is paying for half her undergraduate degree but we actually had to take him to court to enforce that because he felt she should go to CC because his step-children had to (their father is far out of state and was not contributing to college).  The fact that CC was not going to be the best option for her for a lot of reasons didn't matter to him at all - he (or his wife) had their own idea of "fair".    The state school was actually a compromise between the very good private school that she wanted to attend and his preference for CC. 

 

My younger two are much younger so there's a lot of years before it will come up.   There's definitely a possibility that they will take classes at CC while in high school.  There's also a gifted program at the college oldest attends that we will likely send ds to at some point, that costs $$$.  We're also paying a full time nanny so they can continue homeschooling, whereas by this age oldest was in school so I only had to worry about after-school care and summer breaks.

[Barbara H]

This is an excellent question and in a lot of ways it is more complex than it appears. Unless you have fully funded, full pay college for all of your kids (and that's a teeny tiny minority of people), it is likely there will be factors that will not be fully equal no matter how hard you try to make them equal. Just to give one example from my family growing up.The parental plan was to give each child the exact same amount of money for each year. With three kids spaced as they were the middle kid always had a sibling in college which meant he always had a better financial aid package. The oldest and youngest kids each had two years where they were the only one in college. The youngest kid (that's me!) was also in a time of rising costs and a bad economy but I benefited from the wisdom of scholarships and financial aid process that had been gained through the experiences of the first two kids. Did it end up all being exactly equal? Nope, but given the resources available it was probably pretty much fair and I think that's all you can really hope for. If you want to keep it to the same figure remember you don't control the outside circumstances of the economy, cuts in financial aid, etc.

[Berta]

My oldest went to CC and then to University. His father and I helped with what scholarships and grants didn't cover. My second son so far has had his college covered by scholarships and grants. He is in his 3rd year of college and just this year had a little over what they covered due. His father is helping him with those expenses. Both lived at home rent free.

 

My older daughter just rec'd a large sum of cash from her mothers insurance (I adopted her). She is paying for a trip to Europe this summer and will start college in the fall. She will pay her own way.

 

My youngest is only 8, so who knows what college costs will be by the time she is ready.

 

 

As far as financial equality, I don't play favorites but I also don't go dollar for dollar with each kid. I remember when we moved into our house and was going to buy a nice outdoor playhouse for my younger daughter, my older DD said something along the lines of "Then I should get something of comparable value". I said ok, next time I go on a cruise, I will take her and not you. It costs twice as much to take her because she is considered an adult. I'd have to take the younger DD twice to make it fair and "comparable". That pretty much convinced her to rethink her POV. lol..

[Susan in TN]

Or do you think it is ok to give a different amount to each?

(I know this is a very old literature theme, being a very, very old question, but that doesn't make it worth thinking about today, especially for those who are dealing with college for their older ones.)

 

Nan

No. I think it's OK to give what you are able depending on your circumstances at the time. It will probably be very lopsided for my kids, but we are trying to raise them to understand that unless you are living in a fairytale, that is just how life works. We try to show them God's providence in every situation, whether it is a time of plenty or a time of want.

 

My in-laws were obsessive about equality among their 4 children - though they thought they kept it well hidden - and it was not helpful. At least not in terms of becoming mature, responsible adults.

[G5052]

We're going to try to be as equal as possible, but circumstances may not allow that.  They're close in age and both academically oriented, but what if one needs to transfer to the distant engineering school for a speciality and one has their program at the commuter school?

 

My parents had their favorite.  It wasn't me.  Enough said.

[Miss Marple]

I didn't read the responses first because I didn't want my response to influenced by all the great logic and wisdom of you other ladies.  We are dealing with this situation right now.  My youngest aspires to a university that is 3x the price of the state university where the others have gone.  

 

My first response is that each child is different and has different needs academically and socially.  And in our case, that difference is most pronounced with the youngest.  We have done many things differently with him than the others.  He has earned enough scholarship money to bring the price down to 2X the state university cost.  He has competed for more $$ but we don't have any answer on those scholarships yet.  He knows the money issue.  

 

When we looked at this first choice university, it seemed just right for him.  He felt comfortable and I felt good about it.  I can see him there.  I can see him at the state university, but I can also see him working less hard and still doing well academically at the state school.  I like the fact that the other school will challenge him more. But, as one of our professor friends told us, it is important to consider the cost of graduate school (which he intends to pursue).  In fact, this professor said that ds would do well wherever he chooses to go and maybe, if money is tight, he would be better off at the state school.  Ds listened to this and understood.

 

Will we send him there if he doesn't get enough money?  I still don't know.  It will be a choice he will have to make.  Will we spend more on him?  I think ds and I would both agree that this particular son has different needs than the others.  And, I don't think we've been totally 'fair' with the others either.  My oldest ended up getting a lot of scholarships in his last couple of years to the point that we didn't pay for any of his college at that point.  Ds #2, though, is in a different field and while he has an academic scholarship, it is not anywhere near what the oldest ended up getting.  We spent extra $$ on DS#3 so that he could attend a Bible school in England *before* beginning college so he will definitely be ahead on the amount we've spent on the boys. And Ds#2 will be going to graduate school so I would imagine we will be doing something to support him.

 

I think it's a lot like other things we do in life for our kids.  Some kids wear out their shoes more quickly than others.  They get more shoes.  Some need tutoring and others don't.  Some are physically talented and we go out of our way to allow them to pursue that talent.  Others are musically inclined so we go to recitals, etc. 

 

Anyway, that's the way I'm feeling right now.  Now I'm going to go read all the posts and see what kind of wisdom can be gleaned and how I can apply it to our situation :)

[idnib]

My parents were dollar-for-dollar equal and I appreciate it. I went straight to 4-year and they paid for that. It basically took all their savings for me as they had not anticipated how quickly college costs would increase during that period. (Tuition and fees increased 40% in the four years I attended.) If they had not had enough for me they would have taken a small loan or my mom would have worked extra hours, but they would not have used my brother's college money.

 

My brother was less decided and went to CC on and off for 6 years while saving some money before going to a 4-year. They kept the money for him and when he went to a university for 2 years to get his B.A. they paid for it. He's in his 40s and they still have the rest of the money for him. He might use it for some training he wants or to help pay for an MBA.

 

I really appreciated that we each got the same and money was not taken from one for the other. Some of the need for that money came later in life and it was nice for my brother to know it was there for him, and that he still has a "balance" thanks to his cheaper route.

 

DH's parents did the same thing. Between going to the university where his dad worked and all of his scholarships, he didn't use a dime of the money they had saved. Years later when he went to get his M.A., it was waiting for him when he needed some of it. The rest is still there in case he needs it later.

 

I like this system. It's fair and I think it's difficult for parents/children to predict what a person will want to do a decade down the line. If a kid earns a scholarship I think it's nice when he or she is not penalized and can save the money for further education or training later.

[MysteryJen]

We decided long ago that dollar to dollar fairness was not something that we could manage. We will help to the best of our ability and we tell the kids that. We have also pointed out that at different times, people need more help than others and we all pitch in for that. This has happened because we were surprised with one very talented athlete (and have another coming up) and she needs more from us to realize her potential. We watch to make sure that everyone is getting the opportunities that are right for them, but realistically, the money is not spread equally. We have encouraged an "all for one, one for all" mentality that is finally bearing fruit in our family. And has made all of them closer and happy to share in everyone's success.

 

But it was hard for dh and I to get over the ideas of "fairness" because that was how we were both raised. But it was impossible in our family's financial situation.

 

'

[J-rap]

No.  We are committed to paying for our children's education -- even after marriage -- to the best of our abilities.  But, it is not dollar to dollar; it's based on several things just as every other decision growing up was.  When our son first went to college, we were able to pay for his tuition but not his room and board.  That's just the way it was.  He had to work 30 hours/week while going to school full-time, in order to live in a boarding house in NYC.  I sent him money when I could, but it was only enough to cover groceries from time to time.

 

When our daughter went to school in Costa Rica, it was a great private university that cost less than $5,000/year.  It was very manageable for us to pay for that and to send her a little extra which was plenty to pay for rent.   We still paid much more total for our son's tuition, but that doesn't mean we were going to send our daughter extra cash just so that the money we gave to her and our son were equal. 

 

What we pay for each child depends on our own circumstances and on each individual child, and what we believe is the best way we can help them.  It is not based on each child getting an equal amount.  This does not mean, however, that we would use up all of our college funds on our first three and have nothing left for our last two. 

[LMV]

We've basically taken the stance that we will do the best we can for each child.  We parent from that approach and we've taken that approach with helping with funding post secondary education as well.  So far our children have taken quite different academic paths and we have contributed quite disparate amounts to their education.  

 

DSS felt called to serve in the military immediately after high school graduation.  He was on target to graduate high school at sixteen but was unable to enroll in the military until 17 even with parental permission so he extended his high school graduation for a year and maxed out AP courses. After he completed his military service he pretty much financed his undergraduate degree via military/employer educational benefits.  Since he worked a year in between finishing his bachelor's and starting medical school he was eligible to take money from DH's family's college fund and he used that to buy a house.  Because of his wife's ties locally and the reality that they were parents raising her late sister's child he really only had one viable medical school choice and it wasn't particularly expensive in the grand scheme of things.  He also received their humanities scholarship which funded his third and fourth years completely.  So, in a rather convoluted fashion, we really haven't contributed financially to his education.  

 

DFS had aged out of the foster care system in our family so he was eligible for a scholarship through foster care.  He was also eligible for a scholarship given to all state residents which attend a school in the state university system and meet certain academic requirements.  We paid the balance of tuition after that was left.  We also allowed him to live in our guest house rent free during his first two years and commute to school but we were mostly doing that because DH felt that he wasn't ready to handle all of the temptations and choices living on campus entailed so I don't really think we could have charged him rent.  He ended up going into the state police academy before finishing his bachelor's degree so he got educational benefits through employment to finish up his final year of coursework. 

 

DD18 is a national merit scholar attending university on an athletic scholarship which covers the remainder of tuition and all of room and board.  We are willing to pay her incidental expenses but she is a very resourceful and responsible young lady and really hasn't asked for much.  I think there is a decent chance that she will attend medical school and if she does we would likely be willing to contribute some money towards her medical education.  She could likely also get money for medical education from DH's family's college fund.

 

DD14 may end up with an athletic scholarship but has recently started talking about attending an Ivy (perhaps one of the two her dad went to).  If she goes that route then athletic scholarships wouldn't be an option and unless she qualifies for some kind of outside foundation scholarship or national merit we would be paying the full cost.  We would not qualify for any need based assistance. We're in a position fund her college (perhaps with some subsidy from DH's family's college fund) and would do that if she really believed that was the best school for her.  We would also fund her college if she decided between now and college that she no longer really loved competitive gymnastics.  We've been discussing that recently because one of her older teammates is at a point where she really believes she is done but her parents are insistent that she will finish out her senior year and compete in college.  I'm sure that we and DD14 don't really know all of the details and nuances of the situation so I don't have an opinion on the stance of her friend's parents but I thought it was important that DD14 know we will always support her making the choice that is right for her (as long as it is legal and doesn't hurt others needlessly). 

 

DFD9, DFD5, DD4, and DD1 are still far too young to have thought much if any about college so I have no idea.  Baring unexpected disasters we should be in a position to fund their college educations and will be willing to do so.  It is also my understanding that DFD9 and DFD5 have some college money that their biological parents put away for them and which their biological maternal grandfather continues to contribute to.  

[Laura Corin]

We set up equal savings accounts separately in their two names.  So that's the money they have.  Any other money they need/want, they will have to borrow.

 

ETA: All the good universities in Britain cost the same in fees, so there is unlikely to be a big difference in their needs.

 

L

[katilac]

We set up equal savings accounts separately in their two names.  So that's the money they have.  Any other money they need/want, they will have to borrow.

 

ETA: All the good universities in Britain cost the same in fees, so there is unlikely to be a big difference in their needs.

 

L

 

That keeps things nice and simple! 

[Laura Corin]

That keeps things nice and simple! 

 

Yes - there are almost no merit scholarships, just need-based aid (which the boys won't be entitled to).  The government sets the limit of how much can be charged in fees, as all but two universities are government supported, and the good universities all charge the maximum: £9,000/USD13,500 per annum.  Scottish students get inflation-rated loans, so they pay back what they borrowed in real terms.

 

L

[creekland]

It never occurred to us that college expenses would have to be equal in the same way that it doesn't occur to us to have their medical expenses be equal...

 

Just because we pay for youngest with his epilepsy needs, does that mean we need to send checks to middle and oldest to keep them equal?  When oldest and middle knocked out front teeth, should we have put more $$ into a fund for youngest.  (NOTE:  We did think about that after middle did it figuring we were doomed to have the same expense with youngest, but so far, so good.  ;)  )

 

A college education, to us, is not really a "want," but a need and needs vary in costs.  We do what we can to provide for those needs.  Each of our guys will have similar student loans (the basic ones from the gov't) and we will try to help equally with those if we can, but for our OOP costs, those will vary based upon the best fit for each boy.  Part of that is also how much they can contribute via jobs/scholarships, etc.