Adult sibling relationships

[Hot Lava Mama]

I am curious: for those of you who have a wonderful relationship with your sibling(s), how much did your parents (either mother or father or both) "interfere" with your relationship when you were young AND how much now that you are adults? 

 

For example, when you were young and had a squabble, what did or didn't your parents do.  Now that you are adults, how do your parents handle squabbles between you?

 

Specific examples such as when one sibling needs "help" as an adult, such as a place to live because of very bad choices said adult sibling made (ie: the other adult sibling, married with children, is "asked", rather forcefully, to provide a roof over the head of the other sibling, free of charge). 

 

Another example is "actions" another sibling is asked to make for the benefit of the other sibling's young child, again, because of very bad choices the adult sibling has made in their life.  (ie: one adult sibling with children who is able to provide for their children are being "asked" to give some of their children's toys (with significant emotional attachment for the child) to the other adult siblings child because "they can't afford it and it isn't fair that the other kids get that same, very expensive, toy." 

 

How would your parents handle this?

 

Curious because of a situation I am aware of currently going on.  I have a theory about the consequences of the parents action on the relationships of the adult siblings.

Hot Lava Mama

 

[GailV]

My parents were very hands off, and continue to be so (or it seemed that way to me as the baby -- maybe I missed the part where they told everyone to stop picking on me).  They give us news of what's happening with my older brother, who has little contact with the family and is the Mr. Bad Life Decisions of our family.  I think if any of us proclaimed that we were going to go "save" him by doing XYZ, they'd tell us to think about where boundaries need to be since he's an adult (they've set some pretty firm boundaries themselves in regards to him). 

[Heidi]

My parents were very hands off. I fought with my sister constantly, but we were also friends and remain friends to this day.

 

My husbands parents did not interfere in the sibling relationships and he never got along with his sisters, and still doesn't.

 

Dh and I both have sisters that have needed assistance bc of poor choices. Neither of us were pressured into giving help by our parents, nor did we offer to help them bc they needed to learn some hard life lessons. My parents have let my sister learn her lessons. Dh's parents consistently step in to help his sister.

 

I think it would be wrong of parents to interfere with adult sibling relationships.

 

I think that answers all of your questions. ?

[Anne in CA]

I have a good relationship with all three of my adult siblings because we are all grown adults who are responsible for their own lives. You cannot really have a good relationship with an unstable person. You can get along with an unstable person (if you make great sacrifices, both emotional and monetary at times and have strict boundaries other times) but you can't have a solid relationship with an unstable person.

 

My youngest brother just had two heart surgeries and is in huge financial trouble through no fault of his own. I am going to give him some money I don't really have right now, more as a token of support than real help, because I love him, and know he has been financially responsible his whole life. My parents know how much my brother needs the money and have not asked any of us to give him any. They never interfere with our relationship with each other. None of us in my family are in the same income bracket and my parents have never asked us to even things out among our children. If they asked, they would be put in their place. But they would never do that.  

 

I would NEVER expect my children to give up their possessions to keep family peace with an idiot who wants all things to be equal. But then, I have no tolerance for anyone who fools with my children. 

[J-rap]

I have a great relationship with my two siblings.  We have always sincerely WANTED to be there for each other, so my parents have never had to step in.  But, I think that began long ago when we were all young and living at home, and my parents nurtured such strong, loving relationships between us that it just kept on going, all on its own.  I don't believe my parents would expect us to step in and "fix"  each other's lives if they were making dumb choices and making a mess of everything.  We are very fortunate though in that I can't imagine that happening.

[MysteryJen]

I have a very good relationship with my siblings now, but didn't when we were young. The reasons we didn't get along at all when we were young was that my mother created a "golden child" scenario and constantly compared us to each other. She would very much set us against each other and use siblings as an excuse of why they were unable to do things for you. And would interfere in silly squabbles, but ignore bigger fights. Also, when things got really tough in the teen years, I escaped as much as I could, my brother was sent to boarding school, and my younger sister practically lived at her friends' houses.

 

But now, we have all come to the same conclusions about our childhood and really have bonded well.  This is very upsetting to my mother.

Our bond was really cemented during my dad's extended illness (dementia) and death. She has tried to use money to divide us, but we have all decided to tell each other everything and since we are all okay financially, ignore money offers or threats.

[lavender's green]

I had a rocky relationship with my sister growing up - I'm pretty sure she has a personality disorder.  Our parents were rather interfering, but not overly-so (I think...I have so much childhood stuff to sort through!).  As adults our parents became extremely interfering, and the results have been ugly.  Really ugly.  "If you don't talk to your sister I'm going to have a heart attack and die, and it will all be your fault!" ugly.  I have nothing to do with my sister or dad.  My relationship with my mom is hanging by a thread.

 

My husband's parents did a lot to foster love between him and his sister in the early years.  They were friends growing up, and they continue to get along really well, although they usually don't call each other just to chat (we live far away now).  Their parents never interfered or pushed anything, especially not now as adults.

[Ravin]

My parents don't interfere or push. At this point, I have not close, but good relationships with my adult siblings. I live in another state and none of us call just to chat often, we don't have things in common that would foster friendship, but we've been there for each other when possible at various crisis times in our adult lives.

[wintermom]

As an adult, I think little to no interference between siblings has always worked out better. My siblings contact me directly if they want something, and this works the best.

 

This is also the case with dh's family.

 

My parents have tried to get me involved in issues they've had with my siblings, and it just makes things worse. It's been bad for both my relationship with my parents, as well as my relationship with my sibling.

[MinivanMom]

I am very, very close to my siblings.

 

As a child our parents never interfered in our relationships with each other. They didn't encourage us to be close - in fact they often compared us negatively to one another and tried to set us against each other. We spent lots of time together (usually without parents to supervise) and so we sometimes fought like cats and dogs. After our parents divorced, we became a natural support system for each other. We stopped fighting (around preteen age) and became very, very close and supportive of one another. Now, we are all estranged from our father and our mother is dead, so I guess that's about as little interference and involvement as you can get.

 

Dh was very close to his siblings growing up (they never fought), but now they aren't close at all. His parents were very involved in running interference between them and trying to control (and encourage) their relationships with each other. The interference and over-involvement helped them get along while they were young, but has caused lots of problems between them as adults. They have all distanced themselves from their parents and from each other as a result.

[Alenee]

I'm not sure if this post will be helpful because I come from only recently having a good relationship with my sister. Having said that, I am trying to do things differently for my kids in the hope that they will be able to deal with conflict as adults and help each other out when needed.

 

My sister and I hated each other growing up. Only when my step-father was being an a$$ would we band together against him. Otherwise, we despised even the sight of the other. My mom's way of being involved was to tell us to shut up and leave each other alone. As young adults, we continued this loathing until we finally had it out one night. Both my mom and sister were visiting me for my birthday and I unknowingly 'stepped in it' with my sister. She was yelling at me and belittling me to the point that I was sobbing. My mom, who had been in bed, came out and glared at my sister asking, "WHY IS SHE CRYING ON HER BIRTHDAY???" My sister flipped out even more but after hours upon hours of trying, we finally came to a truce. That was three years ago and we've been good since then. If I needed help, I know she would be there. If it was a consistent thing of making bad choices, I'm sure my mom would insist on boundaries. She may or may not stay out of it.

 

I hated that my sister and I never knew how to work out conflict or just agree to disagree. So as a young mother, I decided to help my kids work through conflict. I allowed them to speak their feelings while the other listened. Now that they've had that training, I try to stay out of it most of the time, giving them space to work it out on their own. Dh hates their bickering so he tends to be like my mom. His parents' way of dealing with it was to tell him to shut up and baby his older brother. They do not have any relationship now.

 

All this being said, I think parental involvement in the way of training/helping is a really good thing. While my kids do bicker, they are also eachother's best friend. If one or the other as adults consistently makes bad choices, I would counsel the others to back off and set boundaries.

[ChiMomNP]

I have one brother. We are 13.5 years apart in age. I moved out of the house at 18 and he was 4.5. We have a good relationship. We have never had a cross word between us. We do try to call each other at least once a month or so to catch up on what is new. Sometimes it ends up being longer. My parents never interfered. 

[elegantlion]

Well, I'll give you the opposite. I have a cursory relationship with my sister. We are oil and water personality wise, we simply do not get along. At this point our entire relationship is superficial, get along at the holidays, stay out of each others business otherwise. We also live several states away. 

 

As children, my parents tried to make us get along. We would play together because we had other friends in the neighborhood that we both got along with, they tempered us. We were never forced to do things together though. We did okay on family vacations, but by our teens years we really had little in common and no real connection. When others talk about sisterly love, I don't have that. 

 

As adults we've both had our hardships. My parents work very hard to treat us individually and never assume one will do for the other. My sister has been generous to me a few times without me asking, but generally we lead our own lives. 

[Rachel]

I have 5 siblings, all are adults, 4 are married. Growing up my parents would intervene when we fought, no physical fighting was allowed. We got along ok but not great. Since I moved out of the house my parents have never intervened in my relationships with my siblings. Now I'm close with 2 siblings and have ok relationships with the other 3, we live in 4 different states.

 

Only once was I encouraged to go visit a sibling at a holiday, my mom was kind of upset with me when I chose not to go, it's a long story, but that's the closest my parents have ever been to intervening in our adult relationships. My husband and I stood our ground and she's minded her own business since. I also once unknowing offended a sister, when I commented to my dad several months later that she seemed distant, he told me what had happened, I would have appreciated a heads up.

 

One brother has had some financial issues, 2 of us have chosen to help him on our own, he didn't ask for help and our parents didn't request we help him. We just saw a need and a way we could help, much like we would help others.

 

I can't imagine my in-laws ever intervening between my husband and his sister. They didn't when they were kids and I could never see them doing it as adults. I especially can't see my parents or in-laws asking us to give our children's things to our nieces/nephews to even things out.

[dirty ethel rackham]

My parents were very hands-off regarding sibling squabbles.  If they were annoyed by a spat, both parties would get punished.  It often led to resentment on the part of the "good kid" who tried to keep the peace without being a pushover.  There definitely was an imbalance of power in these relationship, but my parents couldn't be bothered.  It did affect sibling relationships later.  I have strained relationships with a sister and a brother who abused their power in the relationships.  My relationships with my other siblings are good. 

 

My parents would never have expected siblings to rescue another sibling from a situation you describe.  I couldn't imagine such a thing. They would have handled things themselves.  We may not have agreed with my parents' choice to repeatedly "save" one of my siblings from the consequences of bad choices, but it was their money and their time.  If it had become an elder abuse situation, we would have stepped in to protect my parents, not to rescue the sibling in question.

 

I, on the other hand, have been very hands-on as far as intervening in sibling squabbles.  Partially because I NEED a peaceful household - too much conflict makes me anxious. And partially because I felt it was important to teach conflict resolution skills that aren't necessarily learned in a vacuum and to help prevent an imbalance in power in the relationship.  I would never expect a sibling to take responsibility for another sibling's poor choices.  I would help where I felt was appropriate (not rescue.)  After we are gone, I would hope that they would help each other out if situations arise where one needs assistance as bad things can happen that are nobody's fault.

[kewb]

I don't recall my parents interfering unless our bickering was bothering them.  My sister and I did not get along at all when we were kids so we tended to avoid one another as much as possible.

 

When my father was alive he helped me out tremendously fiscally because my dh and I were really struggling at one time.  He would have done the same for my sister if needed. 

 

My mother would never suggest one sibling give to the other in the manner you have described.  If she did my family would be enjoying some awesome overseas trips right about now.

 

Now that my sister and I are adults we get along better then when we were kids.  My mother still stays out of our relationship. In the long haul my sister and I are night and day.  While we are certainly there for each other in a crisis we can and often do go weeks/months without speaking to one another.

[Hot Lava Mama]

Thanks to all who responded.  I suspected that the more "involvement" from a parent into sibling relationships tends to do more harm than good.

 

[mom@shiloh]

I had good relationships with my siblings growing up.  My parents would step in with correction if we were squabbling, mostly just to tell us to STOP that and work it out.  :laugh:

 

Most of us don't live near each other anymore, but if there's a need, someone who is able will step in to help of their own volition, not because my parents would have decreed it.  One of my brothers is very wealthy and regularly invites us all to vacation at his very nice lake home.  Another brother is always on the verge of bankruptcy.  No one is swooping in to "save" him, but he will definitely never live on the street.

 

With my own younger children, I do encourage them to step in if they see someone being unkind to one of their siblings.  Of course, I'd want them to step in to help anyone, but we do put a bit more emphasis on watching out for their brothers and sisters.  I know that my older children have helped each other out with money or temporary housing, if the need arises, but I stay totally out of that and let them handle it on their own.  

[bettyandbob]

Growing up we weren't supposed to fight. We fought a fair amount when parents weren't around and fighting was physical. But we did care about each other generally. There was no tone of animosity. My brother and sister were close and mostly had all the same friends. I was 4 and 5 years younger so not a part of that group.

 

We've become friends as adults. Not best friends. We talk weekly. We live close to one another. Lately I've been discussing college selection stuff with my brother. He took my ds on one college visit a few years ago. He wants to take my dd to his alma mater on a football weekend to show how much fun it is (or see if she is totally turned off). In summer, he regularly swims with my youngest ds who has disabilities and I. My sister and I are not as close, but she has been reaching out. She works for my brother so she sees him all the time. My sister and I usually go to a show together every summer.

 

I ve never heard that children of siblings should have equal "things" . Should I demand my brother, who has more income, buy my dc new cars like he did his girls. That's ludicrous. Maybe he should have paid private school tuition for my dc. I am an adult. I have made decision throughout my life that affect my financial situation, which in turn affects the way my dc live. That's just the way things are. Why should my brother be expected to supplement anything for my family? I should live within the means my choices provide. My brother should have the benefit of deciding on his own how to spend extra income he receives because of his choices.

[RoughCollie]

My sister and I got along really well when we were kids.  I don't recall any quarreling, even when we shared a bedroom.  We liked to do the same things, had the same friends, read the same books, and played and worked on projects together.   She is two years younger and we do not have similar personalities.  She is an introvert, and I'm more in the middle.

 

I didn't quarrel with my brother either.  He is 6 years younger, so we didn't do all that much together. He was always busy outside with his friends.  He still likes to do the same things he always did:  fishing, hunting, fast cars, motorcycles.  We aren't close friends.  

 

I was really surprised when everything didn't go as smoothly with my kids!

[Karen in CO]

My brother and sister and I didn't get along very well as kids.  As adults, we have all made the decision to try to be closer.  Our parents don't interfere with our relationships.  We try to have adult relationships with each other and don't use our parents as intermediaries.  If my brother or sister made bad choices and needed help from me, they would talk to me about it, or I would volunteer help if I saw a need I could help with.  I would talk to them.   We're adults, and it is our relationship.  

 

 

[Ripley]

I'm Asian; my parents have, will, and always shall meddle in my life. No where is that more true than my relationships!

 

As children, we always had our parents step in. That hasn't changed now that we're adults. We're very close, and even chose to live together as adults. I credit that to my parents' belief that the family matters more than the individual. They didn't meddle in squabbles so much, but absolutely intervened on behalf of a sibling for more serious matters.  Their philosophy is that our family name means more than the random sharing of DNA, and that we have a responsibility to one another.

 

It definitely causes static if you're the sibling always having to pony up the responsibility. It reminds me of the Prodigal Son; I spent most of my life being so pissed off by that story. (Guess which sibling I am!) But at the end of the day, your brother is your brother. If you're able, I'd find a way to honor that relationship, however imperfect it - and he - are, and take the reins from your parents. Responsibility is being there for him. It's not necessarily doing what your parents want you to do or what he's asking you to do - despite what all three of them may think!

 

If my parents asked me to take him in, I would do it without hesitation. However, he might hesitate when he heard the (reasonable) conditions attached to the offer. Or he might surprise everyone and start on the path to making better, smarter decisions. I don't know. I do know that I agree with my parents about family vs. the individual, even when a sibling isn't currently pulling his weight. I consider my parents and brother to be immediate family, and I extend the same grace to them as I do my own kids. It's not always immediately reciprocated, or appreciated, but no one promised me a fair life and I do it to be right, not recognized.

 

 

[LMV]

I'm the youngest (and only girl) after three older brothers. I was very cherished and perhaps a bit secondarily spoiled as result growing up. My brothers always had my back! My oldest brother was killed when I was in college but I am still close with his wife and their son, my awesome nephew (and godson). My two surving brothers still have my back! They are both awesome uncles and our kids adore them. My youngest older brother lives about three hours away from our main home so we see him and his family a lot. My older, older brother still lives near where we grew up so I don't see him as much (still at least three times a year) but we're still there for each other and we both know that. He took our oldest daughter to one of her national player pool camps when it occurred right after one of her siblings had just come home from a partial day program out of state. I didn't even ask him to do this he just mentioned that our daughter had mentioned camp and he wondered if it would help if he could take her. He could get the time off from work and would love to do it if it would help us. Our daughter had a blast (at least spending time with him--camp was a bit grueling as they often are).

 

As I mentioned above being the only girl I suppose I was little protected. I really don't recall us ever fighting. I also don't recall a lot of fights between my brothers, they had disagreements but they weren't really fights. In the end they always came back to the reality that they were brothers and they loved each other or something like that. Our parents didn't intervene much they more modeled and guided. I think they would have intervened for physical fighting or disagreements that crossed lines but they preferred to guide and redirect before things got to that point and that seemed to work well. I try to do the same thing with our kids now, and our situation has some real similarities with two much older brothers and then six younger sisters.

 

If one of my brothers needed help I would want to help them. I was raised to believe this is what family does. I believe my mother would be appreciative and supportive of me doing that. If I wasn't getting the message I think my mom would make sure that I understood the situation but once she had done that I think she would step back. She would probably be disappointed if I wasn't doing what I could for my sibling who needed help but I don't see her forcing (or even guilting) me to do the right thing. I also believe my mother understands the difference between helping and enabling and would support me staying on the right side of that line. We haven't been in a situation in our immediate family where we've had to test this out but I remember my mom taking my brother's birth mom shopping to buy him Christmas and Birthday gifts rather than give her money because she was afraid (with good reason) that the money would go to finance drugs or alcohol for her or her boyfriend at the time.

 

We're blessed because all four families are self supporting and while we probably have the most money to discretionarily spend on our kids we also believe that kids can have too much and that the latest and the greatest is not always necessary or even good. There doesn't seem to be a noticeable have/have not scenario when the cousins are together. I probably was a little more generous with my godson during the period his mom was going back to school and things were tight financially. Intellectually I knew that even the greatest gift would never make up for another Christmas or Birthday without his dad (my brother) but I also knew that there were a few things he wanted and his mom would have loved to have given him but she just couldn't afford. I do think at times one of my SILs does feel a little envious of our home and I feel a little badly for my brother on that issue. For the record, they have a perfectly structurally sound, appropriately sized for their family of three/four, home in a safe neighborhood. If they didn't have this I believe that my brother would work to make that so (and if he really couldn't swing it he would be open to help from family to accomodate it and family would be happy to help him) but they do and they also have a lot of money invested in their business and his wife really loves to travel. From my brother's perspective, they could have gotten a nice kitchen remodel out of their trip to Italy two summers ago or much of the conversion of their master bedroom into an ensuite if they had sacrificed their mid winter cruise. His wife really wanted these trips and he enjoyed the time with her once they were actually there in the moment so it was all good but she has to understand that money is not unlimited and choices have to be made. It sounds reasonable to me so I listen if my brother needs to decompress and I ignore a lot of her comments because it isn't my place to get in the middle of their marriage.

 

[Melissa in Australia]

My parents were hands off.

 I do not really speak to one of my sisters, and my other sister and I hve no relationship, just great each other with a hello when we bump into each other at my parents house. I have a good relationship with my 5 brothers.

[AimeeM]

A) as adults my parents NEVER interfere in my sibling relationships. We're adults - we do not need mommy and daddy settling things for us.

B) I'm not sure I would have a relationship with a sibling who felt entitled to whatever is mine, because of their choices, so I doubt this would be an issue for me. You can't demand those things from a person with whom you have no (or limited) contact.

 

As a child I do not really recall my parents interfering with our squabbles unless there was profanity or blood involved. I am close to all three of my younger sisters, one moreso than the others, although I adore them all.

 

ETA: I always help my sisters when I'm able to do so. I feel that as an older sister, that is just what's done... however, it's primarily because they would NEVER demand it or feel entitled to it... and because I know that if the situation were reversed, and they were in a better position, they would do the same for me, without even thinking twice.