Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 UPDATE in post 104! Ok, here's the deal...I have a 14 year old DD who has FASD. She has a sixteen year old "boyfriend" whom we don't approve of and whom we wish to make disappear. We are pretty sure this boy is just waiting for a moment to get her alone...disasterous with her lack of judgement. We need creative ideas on how to work around her disability to make this relationship go away. Basically, the reason this is complicated is that DD has the judgement and self control of about a five year old, but doesn't know it and is determined to act like a normal 14 year old. The strength of her will is amazing to behold and there is no telling her flat out "no" without her running straight at the forbidden thing (think, the stories that Rose has been telling about her son...lots of similarities here!). Her thinking is not normal, she has a lower IQ and she doesn't learn from experience the way that other kids do. She does not see the potential for danger here and believes he "loves her." So, we need to make him lose interest fast. So far, we have told him she is not allowed to date and we have told his very supportive parents about her disability and asked them to help him understand the need for protecting her. Don't think this is enough after meeting him. so we have moved on to "you can only see DD in our home when her father is present and prefer that you only talk on the phone." Of course, neither are thrilled and both are pressuring for ways around this. We plan to hold fast and hope he finds us too strict to deal with. We are having problems limiting phone time due to her "all or nothing" personality, but it is somewhat manageable that way. Any other creative ideas on how to gently get rid of a boy? We will also continue to try to help her "see the light" but her learning disabilities make this a long term project. Thanks for any advice! Don't mean to be rude, but don't bother posting any "just put your foot down and tell her no" kind of advice. It just doesn't work with FASD kids. If it did, we'd have gone there long ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 How about distractions? Can you find her some really fun activities or new hobbies or clubs or something that takes her attention away from him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I wish I had a magic carpet to speed the young boy away for you. I wish I had one for my dd also. Pray, it's the only thing I can do at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rieshy Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Can you suddenly get her soooo busy and tired out that she has no time? Can she take a trip and spend time away? Far away? At any rate- hugs to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Hey twimmom, how about I send mine to a visit to you, and you send me yours! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Wait, she is homeschooled right? So when is she seeing him? Does she sneak out? Is it only at your house? It seems like there would be some legal implications if a 16 year old took advantage of an impaired 14 year old. Are there? Maybe that needs to be the conversation with the boy. I would keep working on limiting the phone. Can you make a Saturday only rule or something? She doesn't have her own phone, right? That sounds so hard. 14 seems so young to me that I'm tempted to say just tell the boy's parents he is not to contact her, period, but I see what you mean about forbidding something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Hey twimmom, how about I send mine to a visit to you, and you send me yours! LOL Oh, I LIKE that idea! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Wait, she is homeschooled right? So when is she seeing him? Does she sneak out? Is it only at your house? It seems like there would be some legal implications if a 16 year old took advantage of an impaired 14 year old. Are there? Maybe that needs to be the conversation with the boy. I would keep working on limiting the phone. Can you make a Saturday only rule or something? She doesn't have her own phone, right? That sounds so hard. 14 seems so young to me that I'm tempted to say just tell the boy's parents he is not to contact her, period, but I see what you mean about forbidding something. She's 14 going on 5, really. It is SO hard! He has only seen her twice at our house when we are present. He is in a cast right now, so that helps...he cannot get around much at all. Coming off in November, though. We have a "no cell phones or online activity" rule at this house due to an unfortunate pic swapping incident some time ago (which is what originally tipped us off to how vulnerable she is!), so she is on the house phone only. The phone is taken up at night...off by eight. Interesting that you would suggest talking about the legal implications of the relationship...I just got off the phone with the boy and we were discussing just that. Apparently, his mom explained the disability to him last night and he wanted me to know he was not looking for anything physical. (Well, yeah...he's 16, so I take that with a grain of salt, but it's still nice to hear!). So, given your advice, I took the moment to inform him that she could not give "consent" and that we would take any moves on his part extremely seriously. Uggh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 A few choice words from your husband on your dating rules when he chaperones should do it. Since you don't allow 14s to date, boy needs to respect that. Yesterday, there was hand holding and he used an old ruse to kiss her on the nose. The fact that he did that with her brothers in the room was frightening to me. DH wasn't there at that moment, but he came in running and sat there the rest of the visit. He told him in no uncertain terms that that sort of thing was NOT going to happen. This is exhausting, really. She's gotta learn somehow, though, so it's better that it happen now than after she is 18. We hope for guardianship at that point, but it's a legal morass and there are no guarantees. Best to learn by experience while we have some control, since it will take her forever to learn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 I like the ideas about keeping her busy, too. I'm going to try to up her volunteer activities at the barn for a while. Riding/working more should help. DH is taking all four kids to the mountains today, too, to get her off the phone and get me some homeschool planning time, I can probably talk with her riding instructor and ask what she can do for a few weeks to keep her extra busy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 . He is in a cast right now, so that helps...he cannot get around much at all. . I'm sorry, but this made me LOL! It's the little things, right? I'm glad you had a good conversation with him. As a mother of a dd with special needs, this is one of my biggest worries. We just aren't there- yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitestavern Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I would not be terribly bothered by the hand holding and the kiss on the nose. The fact that he did it in front of her brothers hopefully means he is being open and honest and won't try to sneak around. I know you want to get rid of this problem, but I think the rules you've come up with (visiting only at your house w/dh present) are good, and enough at this point. Likely, like all young "love" this relationship will die on its own anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Maybe the kid needs a second cast if he doesn't stop the kissing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Busy, busy, busy... Have a family bonfire, family fondue night, go to the movies, etc... Be busy. He does not sound awful; it just is not right the time. She will never understand that. Any young girl in love will never understand that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Doe she respond to bribery? I'm not actually kidding. It sounds terrible but it saved me from a disastrous relationship. I was older, though. I was 18yo and dating this horrible loser of a guy, I think mostly to aggravate my parents. Then I decided I was going to move in with him and we were going to get married. The more my mother tried to talk me out of it the more I dug in. Then she got smart. I needed a car really badly at that time for school and work so she made me a deal. If I break up with the guy she would buy me a car. It worked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Doe she respond to bribery? I'm not actually kidding. It sounds terrible but it saved me from a disastrous relationship. I was older, though. I was 18yo and dating this horrible loser of a guy, I think mostly to aggravate my parents. Then I decided I was going to move in with him and we were going to get married. The more my mother tried to talk me out of it the more I dug in. Then she got smart. I needed a car really badly at that time for school and work so she made me a deal. If I break up with the guy she would buy me a car. It worked. :iagree: Yeah, I wouldn't be above bribery. I was also older, but my parents had the gears in motion to send me to a cousin in Alaska to get me away from a loser. Luckily, I met my husband ;) . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wabi Sabi Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Is the 16 year old a typically developing teen, or does he also have any delays/impairments? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 One thing teens don't seem to like very much is when "Moms" get all over their social media (not usually because they dislike the actual mothers of their friends, but because of all the uncool cutesy comments moms, aunts and grannies tend to make). So, I would tell the kid that one of the requirements to date your dd is for him to friend you on Facebook, let you follow him on twitter, whatever, wherever he has an online presence. Your sons should be able to help you make a list of his preferred sites. Then cute comment bomb away. 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I think I would put something in writing to the boy and his parents confirming the conversation you had with the boy about the fact that your dd is impaired and cannot legally give consent. He and his parents need to be frightened about consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rose in BC Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Oh, I LIKE that idea! ;) Now we're on to something...can I participate in this exchange :)? Twinmom, I feel your pain. And it doesn't get easier. They have chronologically aged bodies functioning at a much lower level. And the kicker is most people don't recognize this (unless they have known the child for a longer period of time). Keeping busy is a good solution...until they're older and refuse to participate in planned activity. And being direct with friends, which you are doing, is my other line of action. Sadly, we haven't been successful and protecting our boys from every peril. But we try. And haven't given up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I would think that if a 16-year-old boy were told that his love interest had the mental capacity of a 5 year old, that would be enough to turn him off. As would the "she is incapable of consent and we WILL prosecute you" discussion. Other than that, I'd hold firm with supervised visits in your home only, and limit the number of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Can you put other girls in the boys path so that he might get distracted with someone else? Are you sons his age? Do they have any friends that are girls that you can invite over for a group activity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 How about distractions? Can you find her some really fun activities or new hobbies or clubs or something that takes her attention away from him? Time for a few art classes and volunteer activities and maybe a hiking club. Just to seem like totally hip and fair parents I would invite him over for movie night and he can sit between you and your DH on the couch and watch a movie. It shouldn't take long for a boy that's interested in romance to figure out he's picked the wrong girl! Start picking some movies or TV shows that a 16 year old would find lame too. I recommend starting with The Bob Newhart show, by the time your finished with season one he'll have a new lady love. OR he'll stick around and have fun with your family and everyone will know each other better and you'll feel more comfortable with letting him also have dinner with your family before you start on Bob Newhart season two. After that try Hogan's Heroes and then Full House. By the time you're finished with the Cosby show you'll know if he's husband material or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 DD's "boyfriend" is a normally developing teen who actually is quite bright...I believe he skipped a grade. DD's IQ is high enough that she can cover up her issues in a basic teen relationship and just look like a cute, ditzy teenage girl. I believe he's seen some extra drama, but the depth of the problem is probably beyond him. It doesn't help that she is beautiful and physically appears to be in her late teens! Ugghh. FASD kids are in the unenviable position of having bodies that typically mature very early (she started her period at ten) but having brain damage that impairs their judgement throughout life. She will often trust a stranger more than a family member...scary stuff, heartbreaking really. We tried to get her off the phone and out of the house this morning and it resulted in a two hour meltdown. She did, however, just leave with my husband for the mountains for a few hours. I think I am also going to call his momma (a retired cop) and ask her to limit his time on the phone with her to two hours a day so that my battle is being fought on two fronts. I did tell her today a flat out NO to going to dinner with his family unless Daddy went along. Surprisingly, she was okay with that plan. DH also just discovered a way to record conversations on our Vonage line, which is the only one she uses. We plan on informing the other family that we have this capability and will be using it to make sure she isn't manipulated in the relationship. Given the other Momma's deep concern that this relationship stay platonic, I'm betting this will be fine with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JBJones Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Not be rude in anyway, but what is FASD? (My 10 1/2 year old DD has a mild case of Aspergers and I am already worrying about a situation like this in the future.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I was going to suggest you get her a pony, but it sounds like you already have the riding angle covered. Busy, Busy, Busy. I think that is going to be your best bet. Does she have girls who she is friends with? Invite them over for "girl stuff" - movies, nails, fun girls-only things. It is great that you have her limited to the house phone - online stuff is a really bad idea at this age. Other than that, I think just keeping her busy is your best hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Now we're on to something...can I participate in this exchange :)? Twinmom, I feel your pain. And it doesn't get easier. They have chronologically aged bodies functioning at a much lower level. And the kicker is most people don't recognize this (unless they have known the child for a longer period of time). Keeping busy is a good solution...until they're older and refuse to participate in planned activity. And being direct with friends, which you are doing, is my other line of action. Sadly, we haven't been successful and protecting our boys from every peril. But we try. And haven't given up. Oh yes, hon, you are definitely welcome to get in on the swap! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Not be rude in anyway, but what is FASD? (My 10 1/2 year old DD has a mild case of Aspergers and I am already worrying about a situation like this in the future.) Not rude at all...FASD stands for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Basically, my daughter's brain was permanently and profoundly damaged by her birth mother's choice to drink alcohol during pregnancy. I suspect her birth mother actually has an FASD herself. In any case, she does not have the physical features of a child with FAS (which only occurs in children exposed during a small window of maybe a week very early in the pregnancy) but unfortunately has severe brain damage that cannot be seen. This makes things all the more difficult for her in society, because she looks and sounds totally normal (and wishes to be!) and yet is significantly and permanently developmentally delayed that she cannot make it in the world without 24/7 supports. People assume she is fine, expect her to function at a normal level and then get mad at her when she cannot. She may never live independently but will always strive to do so. It is heartbreaking. One plus I haven't yet mentioned is that she is only steps away from being approved for a service dog. Please pray with us that this goes through!!! We should know next week. If approved, it will be an awesome support AND distraction for her. We really need this right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Time for a few art classes and volunteer activities and maybe a hiking club. Just to seem like totally hip and fair parents I would invite him over for movie night and he can sit between you and your DH on the couch and watch a movie. It shouldn't take long for a boy that's interested in romance to figure out he's picked the wrong girl! Start picking some movies or TV shows that a 16 year old would find lame too. I recommend starting with The Bob Newhart show, by the time your finished with season one he'll have a new lady love. OR he'll stick around and have fun with your family and everyone will know each other better and you'll feel more comfortable with letting him also have dinner with your family before you start on Bob Newhart season two. After that try Hogan's Heroes and then Full House. By the time you're finished with the Cosby show you'll know if he's husband material or not. Amy, that is hysterical. I love it! Duck Dynasty is already a near obsession in this house, so I might start there! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'd welcome him with open arms. Invite him to everything. Supervised, yes, but smother him with invites to every little thing. Invite his parents and siblings, on occasion to cheap/free things. Seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JBJones Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Not rude at all...FASD stands for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Basically, my daughter's brain was permanently and profoundly damaged by her birth mother's choice to drink alcohol during pregnancy. I suspect her birth mother actually has an FASD herself. In any case, she does not have the physical features of a child with FAS (which only occurs in children exposed during a small window of maybe a week very early in the pregnancy) but unfortunately has severe brain damage that cannot be seen. This makes things all the more difficult for her in society, because she looks and sounds totally normal (and wishes to be!) and yet is significantly and permanently developmentally delayed that she cannot make it in the world without 24/7 supports. People assume she is fine, expect her to function at a normal level and then get mad at her when she cannot. She may never live independently but will always strive to do so. It is heartbreaking. One plus I haven't yet mentioned is that she is only steps away from being approved for a service dog. Please pray with us that this goes through!!! We should know next week. If approved, it will be an awesome support AND distraction for her. We really need this right now. Definitely good thoughts coming your way. That has to be so hard. SMH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Doe she respond to bribery? I'm not actually kidding. It sounds terrible but it saved me from a disastrous relationship. I was older, though. I was 18yo and dating this horrible loser of a guy, I think mostly to aggravate my parents. Then I decided I was going to move in with him and we were going to get married. The more my mother tried to talk me out of it the more I dug in. Then she got smart. I needed a car really badly at that time for school and work so she made me a deal. If I break up with the guy she would buy me a car. It worked. This worked for me, too. My parents refused to continue to pay for college if I moved in with/married my boyfriend. I was half way through my degree and wanted that more. The relationship was a disaster - I could not see it at the time but my parents were so right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'd welcome him with open arms. Invite him to everything. Supervised, yes, but smother him with invites to every little thing. Invite his parents and siblings, on occasion to cheap/free things. Seriously. This is the route I would take. Don't treat him like an enemy or like a potential r@pist. Don't allow dd to be in a separate world with him. Rather, fold him into YOUR world and get to know him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'd welcome him with open arms. Invite him to everything. Supervised, yes, but smother him with invites to every little thing. Invite his parents and siblings, on occasion to cheap/free things. Seriously. I'd do this. I wouldn't treat him negatively in any way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I just wanted to chime in here . . . I used to work with mentally ill adults in an intermediate care facility. I saw first hand higher functioning residents taking advantage of lower functioning residents. I see the young man is neurotypical. I understand your fears and if I was in your position I would feel they are justified. I would also be very concerned about the hand holding and kiss on the nose in front of family members. Very bold in my opinion given you have spoken with him, his parents and have laid down your rules. This, to me, indicates minimizing and disregarding what you have said. I would be very vigilant - I know you said you can't just cut this off as it will probably just throw fuel on the fire. But if you can limit the amount of time they talk on the phone or see one another, I would. I really like the idea of some type of group volunteer activity for your dd - perhaps the young man could participate in something like that rather than come to your home or call. Just a thought. May I ask how they met? Do they see each other regularly (example, at church?). Sorry if I missed that. ETA - can phone time privledges be contingent on her good behavior (schoolwork done, chores done, etc.). Two hour phone calls are too long in my humble opinion, especially given her meltdown when you cut her off this am. That could be grounds for cutting back phone calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nmoira Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'd welcome him with open arms. Invite him to everything. Supervised, yes, but smother him with invites to every little thing. Invite his parents and siblings, on occasion to cheap/free things. Seriously. This is exactly what I was going to suggest. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkyandtheBrains. Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I am curious, other than your daughters disability....what is wrong with the boy? Why do disapprove of him so strongly? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'd welcome him with open arms. Invite him to everything. Supervised, yes, but smother him with invites to every little thing. Invite his parents and siblings, on occasion to cheap/free things. Seriously. That's a very nice way to handle it. You could go Duggar on him. No hand holding, no touching, no dating. Texts through your phones, no unsupervised contact by phone or in person. Side hugs of no longer than 30 seconds. Either he's in it for courtship, future marriage, care taking or not at all... Ask his mom if she knows what he's signing up for. Basically scare the bedoozles out of him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 DD's "boyfriend" is a normally developing teen who actually is quite bright...I believe he skipped a grade. DD's IQ is high enough that she can cover up her issues in a basic teen relationship and just look like a cute, ditzy teenage girl. I believe he's seen some extra drama, but the depth of the problem is probably beyond him. It doesn't help that she is beautiful and physically appears to be in her late teens! Ugghh. FASD kids are in the unenviable position of having bodies that typically mature very early (she started her period at ten) but having brain damage that impairs their judgement throughout life. She will often trust a stranger more than a family member...scary stuff, heartbreaking really. We tried to get her off the phone and out of the house this morning and it resulted in a two hour meltdown. She did, however, just leave with my husband for the mountains for a few hours. I think I am also going to call his momma (a retired cop) and ask her to limit his time on the phone with her to two hours a day so that my battle is being fought on two fronts. I did tell her today a flat out NO to going to dinner with his family unless Daddy went along. Surprisingly, she was okay with that plan. DH also just discovered a way to record conversations on our Vonage line, which is the only one she uses. We plan on informing the other family that we have this capability and will be using it to make sure she isn't manipulated in the relationship. Given the other Momma's deep concern that this relationship stay platonic, I'm betting this will be fine with her. I think two hours a day on the phone is excessive, especially if you really want the relationship to stop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahbobeara Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 This is the route I would take. Don't treat him like an enemy or like a potential r@pist. Don't allow dd to be in a separate world with him. Rather, fold him into YOUR world and get to know him. I agree. I know DH's are busy already but maybe include the 16 year old on a guy's only outing so DH can really have a man-to-young-man talk? I'm picturing an overnight camping trip and DH can really instill his expectations in a blunt way. Or if the boy is going to be around so much, put him to work. Chopping wood, doing dishes, mowing, repainting the fence, hard physical stuff...it will probably be hard to woo DD if he's tired! I haven't been in this position, but good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 My concerns about the boy come from a couple of areas...first, they met on Facebook, which DD has been forbidden from using. Long story as to how she managed to use it, but suffice to say that she has proven extremely creative as to finding ways to get online despite our best efforts (and our efforts are HUGE, given her disability and the fact that my DH is a software engineer!). I've learned that we simply cannot control everything with an FASD kid and it is best to restrict where we can and walk alongside her when we can't. Secondly, this boy played a minor role in some shenanigans which went on via FB regarding sexting with DD. As I mentioned before, this is the point at which we realized she could be talked into anything! He knows what happened with some of his friends and may have participated in some way. He has apologized and "turned over a new leaf," but is still in the dog house as far as I am concerned. I'm willing to forgive, but we are still in the "trust but verify" stage and will probably stay there a long time. Finally, any boy who will hold hands, try to cuddle on the couch with and kiss DD on the nose IN FRONT OF FAMILY MEMBERS (forgive the shouting...) after such an incident and after we have expressed our concerns is highly suspect in my opinion. Not gonna happen here, not with my kids and not with my disabled DD. Make more sense now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 I am curious, other than your daughters disability....what is wrong with the boy? Why do disapprove of him so strongly? The above post was my response to you...I screwed up the quoting! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 One plus I haven't yet mentioned is that she is only steps away from being approved for a service dog. Please pray with us that this goes through!!! We should know next week. If approved, it will be an awesome support AND distraction for her. We really need this right now. A service dog will be a wonderful distraction for her! The dog will be vey protective of her. Sorry, but I could not help thinking perhaps the dog will not take to the young man and that might deter him from coming around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 My concerns about the boy come from a couple of areas...first, they met on Facebook, which DD has been forbidden from using. Long story as to how she managed to use it, but suffice to say that she has proven extremely creative as to finding ways to get online despite our best efforts (and our efforts are HUGE, given her disability and the fact that my DH is a software engineer!). I've learned that we simply cannot control everything with an FASD kid and it is best to restrict where we can and walk alongside her when we can't. Secondly, this boy played a minor role in some shenanigans which went on via FB regarding sexting with DD. As I mentioned before, this is the point at which we realized she could be talked into anything! He knows what happened with some of his friends and may have participated in some way. He has apologized and "turned over a new leaf," but is still in the dog house as far as I am concerned. I'm willing to forgive, but we are still in the "trust but verify" stage and will probably stay there a long time. Finally, any boy who will hold hands, try to cuddle on the couch with and kiss DD on the nose IN FRONT OF FAMILY MEMBERS (forgive the shouting...) after such an incident and after we have expressed our concerns is highly suspect in my opinion. Not gonna happen here, not with my kids and not with my disabled DD. Make more sense now? Given this info, and the fact that at least one of his parents is former law enforcement, I would arrange an all-parent meeting with this young man. Print out all the statutes referring to s@x crimes, including a possible child p@rn charge for s@xting, and read through them line by line along with the sentencing guidelines if convicted. But I'm kind of hard nosed like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 I just wanted to chime in here . . . I used to work with mentally ill adults in an intermediate care facility. I saw first hand higher functioning residents taking advantage of lower functioning residents. I see the young man is neurotypical. I understand your fears and if I was in your position I would feel they are justified. I would also be very concerned about the hand holding and kiss on the nose in front of family members. Very bold in my opinion given you have spoken with him, his parents and have laid down your rules. This, to me, indicates minimizing and disregarding what you have said. I would be very vigilant - I know you said you can't just cut this off as it will probably just throw fuel on the fire. But if you can limit the amount of time they talk on the phone or see one another, I would. I really like the idea of some type of group volunteer activity for your dd - perhaps the young man could participate in something like that rather than come to your home or call. Just a thought. May I ask how they met? Do they see each other regularly (example, at church?). Sorry if I missed that. ETA - can phone time privledges be contingent on her good behavior (schoolwork done, chores done, etc.). Two hour phone calls are too long in my humble opinion, especially given her meltdown when you cut her off this am. That could be grounds for cutting back phone calls. Your ETA addresses what I said to DD this afternoon. This was about her behavior, not his. I want to cut the phone calls way down and I want her to understand that her unwillingness to limit herself is the reason. However, if you've ever worked with an FASD kid, you know that the particular way that their brains are damaged makes cause and effect extremely difficult to grasp. I will tell her to limit her phone time and she will respond with "Well, then, just let me call him!" Rinse, repeat, for hours. It isn't defiance, it is a damaged brain trying to get its perceived "needs" met. The logic just isn't there for these kids...it is horrible. Our attempts to break through at this point is to say compare the situation to a bag of cookies...one or two cookies is not a problem, but eat the whole bag and then...oh, no, a stomach ache and no cookies left for tomorrow! Because we have repeated and explained this analogy so many times, it occasionally works. Other times, I get just an "I don't care." Coaching this child is going to take a lifetime. :( Oh, and BTW...your perspective on the situation is dead on! ;) Good ideas, thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 My concerns about the boy come from a couple of areas...first, they met on Facebook, which DD has been forbidden from using. Long story as to how she managed to use it, but suffice to say that she has proven extremely creative as to finding ways to get online despite our best efforts (and our efforts are HUGE, given her disability and the fact that my DH is a software engineer!). I've learned that we simply cannot control everything with an FASD kid and it is best to restrict where we can and walk alongside her when we can't. Secondly, this boy played a minor role in some shenanigans which went on via FB regarding sexting with DD. As I mentioned before, this is the point at which we realized she could be talked into anything! He knows what happened with some of his friends and may have participated in some way. He has apologized and "turned over a new leaf," but is still in the dog house as far as I am concerned. I'm willing to forgive, but we are still in the "trust but verify" stage and will probably stay there a long time. Finally, any boy who will hold hands, try to cuddle on the couch with and kiss DD on the nose IN FRONT OF FAMILY MEMBERS (forgive the shouting...) after such an incident and after we have expressed our concerns is highly suspect in my opinion. Not gonna happen here, not with my kids and not with my disabled DD. Make more sense now? Oh my. Given this info, yes, I would be taking whatever steps are necessary to end this relationship. I am so sorry. This young man shows extremely poor judgement also. I mean, really? Holding hands, snuggling, kissing on the nose after being involved in inappropriate FaceBook behavior? Not good at all. I would do whatever I could to submarine this ASAP. Did you also say the mother of the young man is in law enforcement? Can you change your phone # and not tell your dd? Or use an answering machine to screen calls or block his calls? Praying for a quick and definitive solution to this! ETA - will this boy be able to drive when out of the cast? I would be concerned they could run off together. I see the wisdom of the replies suggesting you incorporate him into family activities and given the tenacious nature of your dd. If you choose to continue to allow him to visit I would be very clear - no physical contact except perhaps a quick hug hello and goodby or he will no longer be welcome. I would not allow sitting together on the couch - how about table top games, chaperoned walks, a trip to the library, chaperoned bike rides, gardening, making dinner together, baking , doing chores for you, playing out door games etc. etc. just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'd welcome him with open arms. Invite him to everything. Supervised, yes, but smother him with invites to every little thing. Invite his parents and siblings, on occasion to cheap/free things. Seriously. That's exactly what I suggest. If the boy is there mostly to see 'how far' he can get with her, he's not likely to put up with tons of family time and outings. And there's no down side to that method- if he sticks around he's going to see that you are an involved parent and that family means a lot to you. And if you're always around, you can make sure you pop in to the room where they're watching tv, etc. so he'll never really feel that he's alone with her. And if he sicks around, he might grow on you and the plus to that is you'll really know him by then. Have you talked to dd about what kind of contact you approve of? She's 14 so you have to set the rules whether hand holding, kissing, etc. are ok with you. Our middle daughter started seeing a boy when she was 14 and it lasted until they were 19- so we navigated through the 'you're too young to date' period all the way through the 'you're an adult now' stage. They ended up breaking up and it was sad to see that, but we don't regret the years our two families spent together. Edit after reading the additional info on the boy: I still stand by this advice because dd can be taught to recognize whether a boy is a good guy or not. If you shut it down without her being on board, she might just move on to the next boy - one who might not give you such visible clues that his behavior is atrocious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 I was going to say that the one thing that makes young love eternal is forbidding it, so you should probably not do that. Then I read how she met him. I am not sure what I would do, but my instincts say... just stop all contact. Your instincts and mine are the same. Problem is, due to her disability, the kid will move heaven and earth to contact the boy. Bringing him closer to us seemed the lesser of the two evils at this point. :( Obviously, hoping to make it play out and make him move on fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Bore him to death. Lots of time together, all of it engaged in family stuff. If he is as you say he'll move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Oh, I can only hope! ;) I just FB friended the boy and his mom. Insert evil laugh here! He's going to love me or hate me desperately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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