If your kids used to complain a lot

[PhotoGal]

and you were able to change that, how did you do it? Dd7 especially is complaining about every little thing right now. My sanity depends on finding a solution! I really can't homeschool like this.

 

We had a problem with mocking in the past and had a "mocking jar" - every time someone mocked someone else, that person had to put a quarter in the jar. It really did work! I thought of trying it again for complaining, but I think the problem might be more difficult to fix. Has anyone been able to improve this habit of complaining?

[Catwoman]

I think most kids go through phases where they complain a lot, so I'm sure your dd isn't at all unusual.

 

What kinds of things is she complaining about? Is it only about specific things, or does it seem more like she's intentionally being negative about every little thing just to be contrary?

 

If you think she's just complaining to get a reaction out of you, the best solution may be to try to ignore her complaints and be sickeningly positive about the things she's whining about. (I know it's a lot easier said than done, though!)

[mumto2]

Whenever one of mine turns into a complainer I take a good look at the company they are keeping. Generally (for us) it can be traced back to too much time with a couple of "friends" who seem to set them up for this behavior. I generally try to limit exposure to the source (friend) for a while without making a issue of it and explain that we don't behave this way. Asking them to stop whining when they start. The other thing I do is bring in the positive influences, as in I plan time with their friends who don't whine.

[Mommyfaithe]

I usually just roll my eyes....how is that for mature?

[TammyinTN]

Gratitude journal...everytime they complained I handed it to them. 

 

Thinking about getting one for my oldest again..she works full time and makes a good wage, but still comes home and complains every.single.day!  I'm a little burned out on that.  

[SKL]

Since x is making them so unhappy, I take x away for a while.  ;)

[Coffeemama]

My youngest will go through spurts of complaining. I deal with it by not engaging. When she starts whining about an assignment, i make sure she knows what is expected (i will often write down the steps) then I tell her " I am going upstairs to work with your brother now, i'll be back to check your work." once she's left alone with her assignment, the whining stops. Obviously this will only work with independent work, but I figured I'd share.

[Night Elf]

Gratitude journal...everytime they complained I handed it to them. 

 

Thinking about getting one for my oldest again..she works full time and makes a good wage, but still comes home and complains every.single.day!  I'm a little burned out on that.  

 

What a clever idea!

[SKL]

If x equals math then I'm not taking math away for awhile. 

 

True, but you could take away the nice comfy seat they sit in while doing math, or your assistance (temporarily of course), or some other thing that makes them realize they actually have it pretty good.

[AmandaVT]

When I coached gymnastics I heard a lot of complaining. My favorite way of dealing with it was an insane amount of positivity. The more they complained, the happier and more excited I became about the task I assigned. You don't want to stick 5 beam routines? Then I will be positively joyful while watching them, even if it takes 2 hours. Over the top, annoyingly happy. Usually stopped them in their tracks. :-)

[momacacia]

So.need.this.thread.

 

DH just sent 8yo to her room to think of 5 things to be grateful for because she was complaining about, wait for it . . . going to the circus!! Yes, the trial of going to the circus with Daddy and little sis. :glare:  Really, the entitlement here . . . sigh. Oh wait, am I complaining? :leaving:

[PhotoGal]

:) Yes, it is a little ironic that I am complaining about dd's complaining. LOL

 

It is really the toughest part of homeschooling right now. I spent most of the summer planning an engaging, challenging yet fun curriculum. I don't really want to hear fussing every time we switch from one subject to another. It doesn't just happen during school, but that is when it is the most frustrating for me. Sadly, her attitude spreads to ds sometimes when he would otherwise enjoy something.

 

The gratitude journal is a great idea! So far today we have just been gently reminding that "we are working on not complaining so much."

 

It seems to just be a habit right now - like that is her "go to" reaction to pretty much anything. :(

[Catwoman]

If x equals math then I'm not taking math away for awhile.

 

Sometimes I wonder if we live in the same house. :D

[OrganicAnn]

First I would look at how I communicate.  If they are hearing complaining from me, then I would need to change the way I express myself.   

 

Second, I would figure out if there is any merit in it.   We did a long day of shopping and at the end, my DD started complaining.   It was no wonder, she really was tired and cranky. 

 

Third, if it is just griping about stuff that they have to do like homework, then a) discuss why they have to do it and the long-term consequences of not doing it. b) see if you can brainstorm ways to make it better (more breaks, rewards or fun stories a la Miss Piggly Wiggly) and finally c) tell them to write down their complaints (fyi these are fun to keep and spring them on your kids when they have kids of their own).  

 

 

[countrygal]

I can seem to divert the complaining, but I'm interested in getting rid of it permanently!!! That just hasn't happened despite consequences. The oozy positivity does work, it usually gets us all laughing. If they complain they are bored, I give them work. "Oh, you have nothing to do? Well the dining room needs to be swept." If they complain about that they get another job. After 2 jobs they usually find something else to do! Ds was complaining about school today. I wasn't successful in diverting it and he requires to much constant assistance for me to leave. I told him he could go to his room and when he was ready to do school we could finish it, even if it was late. He chose to do it now, but he was still grumpy. I have tried to tell him all the things we are going to do today for school "We are going to read out of each of these books, do this for spelling, 2 pages of math..." so he knows exactly what to expect. It has helped most days. Otherwise, if he doesn't know we still have x subject to do or he forgot about it, he's cranky because he thinks he was suppose to be done after the current task. If you are able, keep a strict schedule so she knows what to expect. I don't have that option as I have too many littles that interrupt so we do it in spurts throughout the day. Reviewing what we are going to do that day from the get-go has helped though.

[matrips]

We have a blessings chart, and the first one on there is 'cheerfulness and gratefulness' with a couple bible verses. We had a serious complainer, down in the dumps moaner, negative kid for awhile. So for that blessing, if they could be cheerful and grateful the entire day, they got a reward that night. (Reading one of my old richie rich comic books). My word, that boy had the biggest smile all day, always asked 'how can I help', and was darn pleasant to be around. It looked like it killed him to be that pleasant all day! :). But I figured perhaps a new habit could take hold. And it would sure make life nicer with three pleasant kids. We've done it for a couple months now, and overall a very nice improvement. He does tend to have a more natural negative component to him than the others, but he can do it, and hopefully the other side will become more natural as they focus on it. They are more conscious of their behavior and whether they are on target during the day for cheerful and grateful. the blessings chart has also made me pay more attention to their good behaviors instead of only the negative ones (so guilty of this!)

[Katy]

My go-to adjustment for any sort of attitude problem is copywork.  Usually a bible-verse inspired copywork assignment.

 

But I do like the idea of a gratitude journal as a punishment, also the oozing positivity until it's infectious.  I am *SO BAD* at sticking to that for more than a day or two though!

[Alice]

My oldest is a bit of an Eeyore. But then so am I. :) 

 

A few years ago he went through a really big time of saying he hated school, he hated this, he hated that. He didn’t really, I could tell he wasn’t truly unhappy. He just would have preferred to be playing with Legos rather than doing spelling. 

 

Mostly I just talked to him about how his complaining really put a damper on our days. I told him that basically he had to do spelling whether he complained or not. I said he didn’t have to be particularly happy about it (my demonstration of ridiculous giddiness over spelling made him laugh) but that he had to get it done. I pointed out that he had the choice to complain and make our day kind of miserable or to do it and get it over with. I also told him he could complain all he wanted in his head..I just didn’t want to hear it. I also outlawed certain words like “hateâ€. He didn’t have to say “Gee, Mom I love spelling, it’s the bestâ€. He couldn’t say “I hate spelling†but he could say “I like math more than spelling†or he could just do it and be quiet. 

 

For him, just talking about it helped. And then when he’d fall back into the moaning and complaining I’d gently remind him or mimic him which made him laugh (for some kids that would be annoying but humor helps with him). 

 

More than anything though I found that I had to model not complaining more myself. That’s been the toughest thing to implement. 

[fraidycat]

Thank you for asking this.

 

We got new composition books today. My kids are about to start a Gratitude journal in a couple minutes before bed!

[klmama]

Philippians 2:14 memorization

[Joyofsixreboot]

My youngest will go through spurts of complaining. I deal with it by not engaging. When she starts whining about an assignment, i make sure she knows what is expected (i will often write down the steps) then I tell her " I am going upstairs to work with your brother now, i'll be back to check your work." once she's left alone with her assignment, the whining stops. Obviously this will only work with independent work, but I figured I'd share.

The opposite works with my 9 yo. Just sitting at the table with her cuts the whining. I don't have to do anything but sit there.

[MommaOfalotta]

Wow, were you in my house yesterday!? Did you witness my almost mental breakdown!?

 

:glare:

 

We have decided on a "card system". Like the type they used when I was in K at ps. Dd will start the day on a neutral color card, and for any negativity, whining, complaining, or not listening during school she will get a card of another color. Each color represents something. Ex, first card might be a timeout. Second card, loss of TV and DS priviledges, third card, Going to bed an hour early, last card = going to dad.

 

I'm making it this morning and it will be our first day using it. Dd is excited and wants to help make the cards :huh: If it works I will let you know!

 

Good luck!

[MommaOfalotta]

My oldest is a bit of an Eeyore. But then so am I. :)

 

A few years ago he went through a really big time of saying he hated school, he hated this, he hated that. He didn’t really, I could tell he wasn’t truly unhappy. He just would have preferred to be playing with Legos rather than doing spelling. 

 

Mostly I just talked to him about how his complaining really put a damper on our days. I told him that basically he had to do spelling whether he complained or not. I said he didn’t have to be particularly happy about it (my demonstration of ridiculous giddiness over spelling made him laugh) but that he had to get it done. I pointed out that he had the choice to complain and make our day kind of miserable or to do it and get it over with. I also told him he could complain all he wanted in his head..I just didn’t want to hear it. I also outlawed certain words like “hateâ€. He didn’t have to say “Gee, Mom I love spelling, it’s the bestâ€. He couldn’t say “I hate spelling†but he could say “I like math more than spelling†or he could just do it and be quiet. 

 

For him, just talking about it helped. And then when he’d fall back into the moaning and complaining I’d gently remind him or mimic him which made him laugh (for some kids that would be annoying but humor helps with him). 

 

More than anything though I found that I had to model not complaining more myself. That’s been the toughest thing to implement. 

 

:iagree:

 

Yep.

[Acadie]

We just read a book titled "What to Do When You Grumble Too Much."  Several good strategies in there.  Dh and I read it to dd together and she liked the attention.  Love the idea of a gratitude journal.

 

Amy

[LostSurprise]

My oldest is very negative. Its part of his personality. Oh, and he's a very communicative person so it comes out a lot.  :glare:  

 

One thing that helped was for me to take time to define what complaining is. In our home complaining is being repetitive about negative emotions. So its okay for him to have negative emotions and to communicate his feelings. Its not okay for him to repeat his feelings over and over and infect the house with negative emotions. Its not okay to whine about things (tone difference which will grate on people's ears). Its not okay for him to dodge responsibilities. 

 

I also have to let go of feeling responsible for things he doesn't like. So he doesn't like dinner? Okay, people can have their own opinions. I don't have to make everyone happy. When I let go I allow my son to express his feelings without reacting to it. And I needed to stop trying to fix everything. A complaint does not equal Mom to the rescue. Often he just needs someone to really hear him. 

 

Just doing those 2 things really helped put things into focus for our house. Once that was done I could have a conversation talking about how negativity affects the people around you and how many people will avoid people who are negative because it changes their emotions and satisfaction with the world around them. We also can feel open to tell him when we can't listen to his negative emotions right now because X (bad day, busy, emotional) without disrespecting him or stifling his need to share with us. Sometimes we just can't take it, literally. We don't mean anything bad by it, our own negative emotions are just full right then. 

 

When he comes to me with a negative emotion I give him eye contact and verbal feedback. "Man, that's so annoying." "I'm sorry that happened." And sometimes, "is there anything I can do to help?"

 

When he's repetitive (complaining) I usually just say, "dude, that's repetitive. I'm sorry you had a bad day/time/experience." If he continues I tell him I can see he needs to work out his emotions and I send him somewhere where he can work it out  Depending on what the problem is that can mean an extra chore, exercise, or a quiet time in his room. 

 

If I can't handle it, I just say, "its not a good time for me. I'm sorry things have been so annoying for you but I can't handle any more negative emotion right now. Let's talk later."

 

I love that boy, but the day I stop hearing "Mom, you know what I hate..." will be a good, good day.  :rolleyes:

[Tap]

Every time they complain, have them write down the complaint on a list, or on separate sheets of paper and stick it to a wall or fridge.  Every. Single. One.  Let them seen how their complaints add up in a day.  It will be hard for you to enforce but be diligent, just like potty training.  

 

 

 

We did this for whining at that age and dd had to tally her whining for a couple of days.  She stopped in about 2 days and said she really had no idea how much she whined until then.   This was before she could write well so we just made a tally sheet. Then she had to come back to me and repeat the sentence in a proper tone.  She easily hit 100 the first day and probably 25 on the second day.  By the afternoon of the second day, she had pretty much stopped or was self correcting her whining and replacing a whine with a properly toned sentence.

 

The list would look like this to me:

 

I complained that about not liking tomatoes.

I complained about writing my complaints.

I complained that my hand hurts when I write.

I complained that this is stupid.

I complained that my friend can't play.

I complained that I am bored.

I complained that my friend can never play.

I complained that I had to write this down.

I complained that my hand hurts when I write.

I complained that this is stupid.

....