Wildiris Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I feel like my family is cursed by rejection. Every one of my kids experiences rejection regularly, and for no apparent reason. I can understand if my child (ren) are not measuring up to expectations, but their rejections have little to do with ability. I am at a loss on how to council my kids. I am a hard judge of their efforts. I let them know they they've not reached their potential. It is this other part of dealing with kids in an adult world where adults are making choices that are clubby and exclusive that I can not explain. Who gets picked, gets into a show, or gets first place has less to do with ability and more to do with parent dollars and participation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Not sure I understand what you're saying but :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I feel like my family is cursed by rejection. Every one of my kids experiences rejection regularly, and for no apparent reason. I can understand if my child (ren) are not measuring up to expectations, but their rejections have little to do with ability. I am at a loss on how to council my kids. I am a hard judge of their efforts. I let them know they they've not reached their potential. It is this other part of dealing with kids in an adult world where adults are making choices that are clubby and exclusive that I can not explain. Who gets picked, gets into a show, or gets first place has less to do with ability and more to do with parent dollars and participation. Perhaps an alternative approach might work better? Instead of showing your kids where they have not reached their potential (I'm assuming so they know why they were rejected?), maybe focus instead on their accomplishments and simply enjoy being with them. Self-confidence and a strong self-esteem will go a long way, even in an otherwise lonely world. Good luck. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 No, the kids don't understand why they're rejected, nor do I. Selection is not always based on ability. There is the coach's son factor, there is parent contribution of time and money factor ( an easy way to get your son or daughter on the roster-donate money or time.), and there is flat out subjective critique when all appears equal but the judges just aren't that into you, your dress, or your hair. True, focusing on accomplishment is important, but rejection stings. It would be easier to understand if one failed to make the team or didn't make the audition cut if these decisions were based on ability. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 With my 13yo I do have discussions about politics, subjective opinions, etc. and we will discuss why someone has a bias and why if two children have similar abilities, one who is maybe a little less accomplished will be picked over another because of circumstances not only related to performance or talent. It is not fair, but is a reality of life that relationships, politics, etc. do come into play. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I'm so sorry. Rejection hurts. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 It's annoying but still a useful thing for them to understand. In the field my husband and I worked in it was common to get unconfirmed offers of jobs only to have then never happen because some relative of a director or similar needed a job even though they've never worked in the field before. It was very annoying at the time and we missed fab opportunities because of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Give them lots of hugs. I tell my son that this world at the moment is not always fair and just. I focus on helping him to be a fair and just and kind person in dealing with others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Everyone faces rejection. Learning to cope with it is a bigger accomplishment IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I understand completely. My son tried out this summer for 4 tournament baseball teams and was regularly beaten out for roster spots by kids who are, at best, not better than he is. He is competing now in an extended tryout for one last spot on a team, but a kid he's played with for years, whom we know very, very well as a kid and as a player, got a roster spot ahead of him. We love this kid--he's a good kid, great dad--but my son is a better player. Anyone who has seen them play would agree. Heck, this kid would probably agree. So yeah, I get it. These decisions affect our kids' feelings so much, and they're so arbitrary. Even though I know, intellectually, that it will all work out for the best, there is nothing wrong with wanting some immediate gratification just once in a while. I have watched my gymnast daughter, who will work anyone in the gym under the table, get fluke injury after injury and try so hard to fight her way back. It hurts to see them disappointed, a lot! They're doing what they're supposed to be doing, and it doesn't work out for them. So I completely understand. We deal with it by acknowledging the suckiness of it and just letting everyone be disappointed for a while. Then you pick up and keep on, knowing that eventually, it will break your way, and the "win" will be all the sweeter for the preceding rejections. My daughter is about to be 16, and she is old enough that we have seen this happen in her life, so that example does help our other kids. But still, once in a while, it is nice to skip the character-building lesson and get the win. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 :grouphug: It is sad and impossible to explain when you know someone else deserves (insert award, lead etc.) and it goes to the son of the coach or daughter of the instructor etc.... Sadly, there are times when talent, hard work and practice are not going to taken into consideration. There have been times I've wanted to say, don't even bother trying or it's a waste of time and money, because we all know who is going to win. But that isn't a lesson I want to teach, so I teach them to do their best and accept that life isn't fair. kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Maybe offer to coach a team? Or get involved a little more in some other way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I don't really understand your concern here. Don't average kids succeed and fail at various things in a (generally) 50/50 sort of way? Why should they not be rejected? What's the other possibility? Not experiencing rejection? I'm not thinking that's a realistic idea. When my kids are rejected I just point out that life is rarely fair, and acknowledge that it's normal to have feelings about that. My kids seem to need little more than a hug and an idea or two about what to do next/instead of whatever hasn't worked out in their favour. Then again, I also don't tend to actively point out my kids imperfections myself, nor do I judge them harshly (or at all, really) and I consider the idea of "potential" largely imaginary. I'm perfectly happy to be raising average kids who probably will grow up to live average lives... So we probably have quite a philosophical difference. (Is it possible that they take external rejections over-seriously because they worry about whether or not your personal approval actively depends on their performance / success / acceptance in outside venues? Are they becoming compulsively "driven" little people based in this sort of thing? That's an easy misinterpretation for kids to jump to when parents use pressure strategies in parenting.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 I don't really understand your concern here. Don't average kids succeed and fail at various things in a (generally) 50/50 sort of way? Why should they not be rejected? What's the other possibility? Not experiencing rejection? I'm not thinking that's a realistic idea. When my kids are rejected I just point out that life is rarely fair, and acknowledge that it's normal to have feelings about that. My kids seem to need little more than a hug and an idea or two about what to do next/instead of whatever hasn't worked out in their favour. Then again, I also don't tend to actively point out my kids imperfections myself, nor do I judge them harshly (or at all, really) and I consider the idea of "potential" largely imaginary. I'm perfectly happy to be raising average kids who probably will grow up to live average lives... So we probably have quite a philosophical difference. (Is it possible that they take external rejections over-seriously because they worry about whether or not your personal approval actively depends on their performance / success / acceptance in outside venues? Are they becoming compulsively "driven" little people based in this sort of thing? That's an easy misinterpretation for kids to jump to when parents use pressure strategies in parenting.) No, this is not true" average kids succeed and fail at various things in a (generally) 50/50 sort of way." Read plansrme's response. My son, who also plays baseball, had a very similar experience to the one described by plansrme. I think you missed the point here: (Is it possible that they take external rejections over-seriously because they worry about whether or not your personal approval actively depends on their performance / success / acceptance in outside venues? Are they becoming compulsively "driven" little people based in this sort of thing? That's an easy misinterpretation for kids to jump to when parents use pressure strategies in parenting.) I think these kinds of rejections are more a case of some being more equal than others. Kids with ability and accomplishment, even recognizable talent lose a spot on the team, part in a production, or slot in a club because there are other factors at play. Most parents instill in their children the idea that hard work will get you where you need to go, but sadly this is not always true. Your skin color may not be right. You may be too fat, too skinny, or come from a geographically undesirable place such as the inner city or rural locations. Your parents don't make enough money, or you have the wrong last name. "But still, once in a while, it is nice to skip the character-building lesson and get the win." :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Meh... I get that things are unjust. It's simply that I actually *get* that things are unjust, and teach my children that it's normal for things to be unjust. I think it's a bald faced lie to teach children that most things that will happen to them are based on merit or effort.I think it's a disservice to teach children to expect the world to be "fair" to them. It's childish. Every grown adult knows that many things that would have been nice just "don't work out". Maybe this is the kind of 'entitlement mentality' that some people worry about? That kids think they are 'entitled' to be rewarded fairly for their talents and efforts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Sorry it sucks. Maybe they could balance having activities that are competitive with activities where they share their talents. For example, a kid who's great at sports could help with DS kids or Special Olympics, or help with a camp for kids that can't afford a team experience. A kid who enjoys the performing arts could sing at a nursing/retirement home, or perform a monologue, or raise money for a charity by playing an instrument at a farmer's market (my niece does this--she's 11). Taking some of the focus off what they want to get and putting some of it on what they can give might ease the sting. Those audiences are highly appreciative and provide an outlet for passions used in the service of others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Life is 70% luck, 30% effort/merit. Your kids are lucky to have a loving homeschooling mom. They are lucky to be born in a free, democratic, wealthy nation to two loving parents. They are lucky to have more money than 90% of the world's children . . . To never fear for their lives or have to scrounge for food or . . . I keep these many blessings at the top of our mind as much as possible when we start to feel that life is unfair. It is probably unfair that my children and I have so much when most of the world has so much less. My kids compete a lot. They lose a lot. That is just statistics for you. lol. We discuss that merit has a lot to do with it, but there is always a lottery aspect of it as well. No biggie. Move on. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it. Focus on your blessings. Choose different activities for your kids if the criteria for inclusion seems unkind or unfair. If the criteria are just random, then teach them that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 A couple of things. First, life is unfair and it is entirely possible that your kid was rejected because someone else's kid knew the right people, has more financially generous parents, is best friends with the coaches kid, etc. It is hard, and I am sorry. I never cease to be amazed at parents who openly and honestly maneuver their kids' way into selection, not understanding that real actual kids are competing for those positions. In addition, we have learned that 'try out' skills are often quite different from 'performance' skills. As we have learned this, we have learned to sometimes use private coaching time in sports and music to work on those try out skills. Especially with my musician, he really had no idea how much beyond 'how do I play' that he needed to work on and show up ready to demonstrate. Sounds like you have had a tough week. I am sorry. Rejection hurts, and it especially hurts when it feels unfair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 We've certainly experienced what felt like a very unjust rejection here. I think one way of moving of is to tell the child a story about how an unjustly rejected person later "won" in some important, more important, way. That in fact is not unrealistic at all in our world. Any kid whose been in PS for any period of time has experience with painful social rejection, or bullying, or injustice by authority figures. When I experienced these situations as a kid, my mom often pointed out to me-wait until you are grown up. The bullies will probably end up criminals, or in jail, or drug addicts, and you will be a successful and happy adult! You will get the rewards in life that come to honest, hard-working, loyal people. She was absolutely right. And when my child experienced an unjust and unmerited rejection, I emphasized the same idea-character and work will out. He's already experiencing the reality of these words and it's sweet vindication. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Just a note that auditions often focus on looks over ability because the director is trying to bring a certain physical dynamic to the production. My kids have lost out on parts due to physical characteristics. They're okay with that. Heck, sometimes it's something as banal as "we already had a costume, and you wouldn't fit into it." Sometimes the person who LOOKED right turned out to suck at performance, to be blunt. My kids just roll their eyes, and are somewhat glad they ended up not being in the performance after all, once they realize that the person playing "that" role really can't act/sing/dance. Other times it all comes together, and my kids are cast. And, as Danestress mentioned, learning to audition is a skill in and of itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I feel like my family is cursed by rejection. Every one of my kids experiences rejection regularly, and for no apparent reason. I can understand if my child (ren) are not measuring up to expectations, but their rejections have little to do with ability. I am at a loss on how to council my kids. I am a hard judge of their efforts. I let them know they they've not reached their potential. It is this other part of dealing with kids in an adult world where adults are making choices that are clubby and exclusive that I can not explain. Who gets picked, gets into a show, or gets first place has less to do with ability and more to do with parent dollars and participation. Why? Why would you take this approach to your children, when you feel that the world-at-large is rejecting them? Where will they ever find acceptance, if not with you? I don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Why? Why would you take this approach to your children, when you feel that the world-at-large is rejecting them? Where will they ever find acceptance, if not with you? I don't get it. Eh, I like to remind my kids that they haven't reached the pinnacle of performance. They aren't the world's gift to acting/singing/dancing. They can still improve. Even if they get the lead or some other juicy role, they can still improve. And if they rest on their laurels, in 50 years they'll be that person who seemed really good when they were young but never really went anywhere as an adult (the world is littered with child stars who have dropped off the map, but I can't think of an example now). Anyway, that's what I take that to mean. My kids know I'm proud of what they've accomplished, but that I'm aware they have weaknesses, too. Frankly, they'd rather have that than the blind love of saying they're special snowflakes -- they know my praise comes because I've really thought about it, not because I just always say they're the best. (Dd just went through a phase of wondering if a director always praised her because dd was teacher's pet, or because dd was actually pretty good. Dd really prefers honest evaluation.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 People are jerks. Sports and activities as far as competitive is more about politics then about talent. DS has learned this the hard way already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 It sounds like it's not so much about rejecting your kids specifically, as it is about favoring other kids for reasons unrelated to skill or talent. I would suggest you let your kids know that. Teach them about favoritism, and that they will likely experience both ends of it at various times in their lives. :grouphug: It's a hard lesson for children and for us parents who don't like to see our children hurting. But it is life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Oh and DS has been treated like scum at the recreational level as well where EVERYONE makes the team. Despite my being upfront and completely honest about his physical limitation and the fact that he has a disease that has no cure and will progressively limit his physical abilities they were still pissed that he wasn't making enough progress. Apparently the statement "He is one of only a few children with this disease who does not need a wheelchair" wasn't frank enough. Being his mother, and knowing what he has and what will happen I think the fact that he is able to do what he does is remarkable. I secretly wish that I could see where he would be if he wasn't sick, right now he is slightly above average for the length of time for his age in his sport. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Why? Why would you take this approach to your children, when you feel that the world-at-large is rejecting them? Where will they ever find acceptance, if not with you? I don't get it. I don't think you read my post(s). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Rejection sucks, I know :(. :hug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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