What would you do?

[PrincessMommy]

What Mom in High Heels said.  Otherwise, I hope you got some sleep last night :grouphug:   I know what it's like to be too stressed out to sleep well. 

[Cinder]

"I prefer Jen."

 

"I prefer Jen."

 

"I prefer Jen."

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Shannon in TN]

Wow, what a mess!  I have two aunts named "Susan" that married into the family, so their last names are the same, and as pp's have said, we call them "Tom-Susan" and "Bob-Susan" if clarification is needed.  My son is named after my maiden name and 5 months after he was born, I had a cousin call and ask if they could name their son the same name (it was my/cousin's grandfather's name).  Naturally, I didn't care, and was surprised they felt the need to ask permission for naming their son.  The cousins and I now live in the same city and when the boys get together, mine is just "Billy" and theirs is "Billy Joe", but honestly, I think that's because my son's middle name is longer and theirs is shorter - so it's easier to say "Billy Joe" than "Billy Michael" - not because mine was born first.

 

All that to say, I agree with everyone else in that there's no way I'd change my name, nickname or otherwise.  I've had IL drama before, and still bear the scars, but nothing this extreme.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hate it for your dc, because grandparents should be in grandchildren's lives.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: 

[Word Nerd]

I can't figure out why they can't call both of you the name you prefer. Why is it such a big deal to them for the names to be different? Do they think they're going to get struck dead by lightning if they call two people the same name?

[jelbe5]

These people are not nice people. They are mean and manipulative. You have not been a disappointment . . . THEY certainly are! They are petty, hurtful, controlling, toxic people.

 

What name do YOU wish to go by? Your decision is all that matters.

 

I had a friend named Betty in college. After college she asked that she be called Beth. Sometimes I slipped but I tried my best to be respectful of her request. These individuals need to accept the name you wish to be called and move on.

 

I agree with a pp - keep repeating how you want to be addressed. With a smile. Over and over. These people are toxic and it would probably be better for all if you distanced yourself as much as possible.

[Parrothead]

You do not have to bring up points or get emotional. You do not have to do anything except firmly and decidedly say, "No, thank you." Then move on with your life.

 

These are not nice people.

Disappointed them? How about how they have disappointed you and dh. What about your children's disappointment with these people.

You do not have to please them. They are not your parents. They hold no authority over you as you are a grown adult in your own right.

 

Find your backbone. Look him in the eye and say "No." Then walk away.

 

You should not be subjecting yourself or your children to whatever these twice a year command performances are either. Just start saying "No."

[Lawana]

I agree with no talking points, especially not the third. IME, people who make a point to be so emotionally controlled are not going to be swayed by a "how do you think that makes me feel" approach. If FIL approaches you directly, I would do my level beat to react as if he is asking you to something ridiculous such as parading naked in front of them. So a half amused, half mildly startled " No, I go by Jen, and won't be changing." Then drop it. And don't respond if they just start calling you Jenny.

[MyThreeSons]

Heck no on both counts!!

 

If people are confused, the only clarification required should be "Bob's Mango" or "Bill's Mango".

Isn't that what the Amish do?

[MommaOfalotta]

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Seriously!?

 

My mom and my MIL have the same name.

 

My son and my father have the same name.

 

I have aunts, cousins, etc on both sides of the family with the SAME NAME.

 

Its really not that hard. Asking someone to change their name!? I have a hard time picturing someone suggesting that with a straight face..

[MommaOfalotta]

 

 

FIL wants me to go back to being Jenny.

 

 

 

 

 

Ah, okay. While this is still not okay, its not as "ridiculous" as asking you to literally change your name. Like from Jen to Martha. I'm half awake, sorry for the misunderstanding.

 

However, my answer would still be No. Heck. No.

[sassenach]

Ugh. Hopefully writing this down will let me finally go to be and get some sleep. That and I can't find anything else to clean. Hopefully writing it the ticket. Don't quote me I'll probably delete in the morning.

 

My FIL called today. Yup he asked DH again if I would change my name. My name is quite common. I've never been called by my birth name, its very much like Jennifer. For much of my childhood and into my teen years, when I met DH, I was either called Jen or Jenny depending on which name they'd heard my folks using first. DH's family called me Jenny.

 

My family, notorious for nicknames, stopped using Jenny and switched to Jen about the time I started bringing babies home. Maybe it's because I'm all grown up and Jenny was more grown up? :)) We spent a lot of our time here vacationing with family before we moved and DH stopped using Jenny too.

 

So about 5 years ago, when we started seriously discussing moving by my family we (DH & I) stopped using Jenny altogether. DH's family finally made the change too.

 

FIL wants me to go back to being Jenny. DH told him, "No, she's Jen. Don't call her Jenny. She's not Jenny."

 

Does this change your opinion? And now you probably guessed that my children's names aren't not conducive to nicknames of alternate names. :)) Hmmmmmmm.........

 

I know FIL is eventually going to bring it up to me. I know that I can't have an unemotional conversation about this with anyone. But to be emotional is to be wrong, no matter if you're right. Lose your emotions, lose your credibility. And I'm not talking about being crazy emotional. Just a little teary eyed, or speaking faster, or flushed cheeks and the conversation is done per my in-laws. I have my conversation points all laid out.

1. Do you remember having a conversation about this with DH twice before? (DH think his dad might be having memory loss. First time DH's mentioned it to me. DH was surprised FIL brought it up again.)

 

2. It's Jen, not Jenny.

 

3. Do you realize how your request sounds to me?

 

These people are some of the nicest people you would ever meet. You'd never ever hear them get angry, raise their voice, or lose their cool. They're level headed and very professional. DH wants me to forgetaboutit. But I can't. The ways in which I've disappointed them in the past are completely out of my control.

 

Thanks for listening.

I think 2 of your 3 chosen responses will not help you in remaining unemotional.

 

"I prefer Jen." Smile.

"I prefer Jen." Smile.

Rinse. Repeat.

 

That's all. If they give you a reason for calling you anything else, respond, "I can see your challenge, but I prefer Jen." Smile.

 

That's it. "Why do you prefer Jen?"

"It's my name, I really just prefer it."

No further explanation needed.

[MyThreeSons]

"Margaret from Oregon"

This reminds me of when I went away to college. My roommate and I had the same first name. Our friends added our last initials when necessary to distinguish us.

 

My roommate's family lived only 20 miles away, and were very involved (in a good way) in our lives. We and our whole gang of friends were frequent weekend guests at her parents' home. Her Dad, for some reason, was not good with names of people, but he always remembered where we were from, so he called us by our home city. I was San Jose, which I kind of liked. One of our friends, however, had to have an especially thick skin -- she was from Marblehead, MA.

[MyThreeSons]

There was a family at our church who took in two foster kids one year. After a while, they decided to adopt them. At the adoption ceremony, though, not only did the kids get a new last name, they changed the kids' first names, too! The kids were something like 7 and 9 years old at the time they started fostering them, so it's not like they didn't know their old names. When I asked about it, the Mom told me that they (adopted family) simply didn't like the kids' names, and liked these better. I was outraged!

 

The family stopped attending our church not long after that, and I've run into the parents around town from time to time. They've never had the adopted kids with them, nor mentioned them.

[Scarlett]

This thread reminds me of the time I was I introduced to a man...friend of friends. My name is not girly....and so this man promptly says, you don't look like a (my name), I will call you Gloria. And he did. So weird.

[sassenach]

Also, if after being told a few times, if someone called me Jenny (as in trying to get my attention), I'd probably ignore them. A little passive aggressive, but whatever. If I was asked why I wasn't responding, I'd answer, "Oh, I thought you were talking to NW, because I already told you that I prefer Jen."

[Catwoman]

I'm only quoting a wee bit. Let's look at the statement in the blue first, shall we? How can anyone who would ask a DIL of 20 freaking years to change her name to accommodate a GDIL of a few weeks/months, be the nicest people you'd ever want to meet? They sound rude, self-absorbed and controlling. That's not nice.

 

Now, let's look at the part in the green. Just because no one ever hears some one get angry or lose their cool and act level headed and professional all the time, does not make someone nice. It sounds like they are rather robotic. Also, I don't trust anyone who never loses their cool. Everyone gets mad. Everyone.

 

Moving on to the purple. I can see both sides of this. If they let it drop, and not insist you change your name, I'd let it go. If the don't, no way would I fagetaboudit.

 

Finally, the red. You are clearly carrying a lot of guilt around and giving these people more control over your life than they already seem to think they have. If they are for any reason disappointed in you, that's their problem, not yours. Who cares? This, you need to let go. If they actually ever tell you that they are disappointed in your for X reason, you can tell them that you're disappointed they didn't learn better manners, and are extremely thankful that your dh turned out as well as he did being raised by people like them. Or you can tell them to suck it, which is the route I would go with.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I couldn't have said it any better myself, so I'm just quoting Mom in High Heels.

[Catwoman]

Sorry! I feel your situation completely. This is me in my dh's family. I no longer go to family functions; he takes the kids. It got to this point because:

 

a. when dh finally said something about them misspelling my name, they said it was my fault; I spelled it wrong.

 

b. they hung an enormous family picture of the "favored ones" in their house; we were given a box with all of our pictures in it. "Here, I thought you might want these back."

 

:cursing:

Not for anything, but why do your dh and children still have anything to do with them? :confused:

 

Mine certainly wouldn't.

 

My dh and I both believe that if people treat you poorly and disrespectfully, there is no reason to maintain a relationship with them -- and it's even worse when family members behave so badly, because they should know better, and they should care enough to treat their relatives with kindness and respect.

[Mango]

as far as the disappointment I am to them. It's really all about physical appearance and fertility.  It's not about being pretty and nicely dressed, I have health issues and my medical stuff has made me one of those people you tell your kids not to stare at in the grocery store. And you'd feel uncomfortable if they'd ask, "How come ____."  Nothing I could control. Nothing that I knew about before I married. But I don't like to sit around and pout and whine aobut it.  Carpe Diem! It is what it is, now let's have fun. 

 

As to fertility, I'm not. But we figured a way around that problem and we are actually the largest family group. :)) First baby was like, yay! By the 5th it was, "Hmmmmm do you still have room in your van?" 

 

As to coming from the wrong side of the track.....well my family upbringing leans toward the feminist side of things. 4 sisters in my family, no brothers. My folks never ever told us we couldn't do anything. One of my sister's played hockey in the 1970's on the boy team. :)) Yup, we were that family.  

[Mango]

nm

[Mango]

Forgot to add that in my tunnel vision of being hurt by FIL's words yesterday I totally missed the fact that we weren't invited to the Aug. bi-annual family event. . . . . 

 

DH is deeply hurt. 

 

It's been 8 months since we last saw them. 

 

 

 

[Catwoman]

as far as the disappointment I am to them. It's really all about physical appearance and fertility. It's not about being pretty and nicely dressed, I have health issues and my medical stuff has made me one of those people you tell your kids not to stare at in the grocery store. And you'd feel uncomfortable if they'd ask, "How come ____." Nothing I could control. Nothing that I knew about before I married.

If anyone in that family is "disappointed" in you because you have medical issues and don't look the way they think you should, I would never have anything to do with those people again.

 

Period.

 

Done.

 

That is absolutely inexcusable.

[Catwoman]

Forgot to add that in my tunnel vision of being hurt by FIL's words yesterday I totally missed the fact that we weren't invited to the Aug. bi-annual family event. . . . .

 

DH is deeply hurt.

 

It's been 8 months since we last saw them.

I hate to say this, but as long as you remain in contact with these people, both you and your dh are setting yourselves up to keep getting hurt. I know it is hard for many people to make a break from family members, but in some cases, it's the only way to save your sanity and your self-esteem, and to finally be able to be calm and peaceful.

 

Your dh's family sounds incredibly toxic. If there are a few family members who are a positive influence on your life, stay in touch with them, but I think it's time to walk away from the rest of them.

 

They sound mean.

 

How can you possibly believe that they are "some of the nicest people you would ever meet?" :confused:

 

THEY ARE NOT NICE. (But it sounds like you are way, way too nice!!!)

[Parrothead]

as far as the disappointment I am to them. It's really all about physical appearance and fertility. It's not about being pretty and nicely dressed, I have health issues and my medical stuff has made me one of those people you tell your kids not to stare at in the grocery store. And you'd feel uncomfortable if they'd ask, "How come ____." Nothing I could control. Nothing that I knew about before I married. But I don't like to sit around and pout and whine aobut it. Carpe Diem! It is what it is, now let's have fun.

 

As to fertility, I'm not. But we figured a way around that problem and we are actually the largest family group. :)) First baby was like, yay! By the 5th it was, "Hmmmmm do you still have room in your van?"

 

As to coming from the wrong side of the track.....well my family upbringing leans toward the feminist side of things. 4 sisters in my family, no brothers. My folks never ever told us we couldn't do anything. One of my sister's played hockey in the 1970's on the boy team. :)) Yup, we were that family.

OMG! These people are so shallow and idiotic. Why do you even continue to speak to them? Your dh needs to be invited to a family event? Ridiculous! These people do not deserve the time of day from you.

[Mynyel]

I agree with the others, no and no.

 

When I was growing up My dad, both my grandpas and my uncle all had the same name. We were never confused who we were talking about.

 

Between dh family and my family my kids had three(!) Uncle Justins. We just clarified by saying last names or where they lived. It was just fine.

 

If you ask me they are being nasty and I wouldn't give in even under threat of death! :)

[MomatHWTK]

Based on your added information, I think your perspective is a bit skewed.  Nothing that has happened to you/you are doing is a cause for someone else's disappointment.  That you would feel this way, and that you would see their non-acceptance as reasonable?  is to put it bluntly, wrong.  They may be nice in some ways, they may do nice things- but they are not "nice people" if they cannot treat you and your family with kindness and love.  Do not take their issues onto yourself. 

 

If you read my recent post in another thread, I am seeing a therapist who has helped me identify where I was being too accomodating to the not niceness of others at my own emotional expense.  So that is where I am posting from- based on what you've said, you are doing the same.  You are wonderful just the way you are and it is the family who cannot embrace that who are at fault, not you. 

 

Maybe with these last few straws you are coming to that realization yourself and experiencing cognitive dissonance.  Because really, they can't be "nice" and not invite their son and his family to family gatherings at the same time.  I had a similar experience years back and really couldn't let it go until a totally uninterested third party told me I was right.  Until then I was always thinking, "Oh that person is just taking my side because they are my friend" or "but she does all these others things that are great, maybe she's not so bad."  KWIM?    Now, it is OK to forgive and accept people's deeply ingrained flaws.  But first you have to acknowledge that they are the one who is flawed and it is forgiveness you are giving- not just accepting blame yourself. 

[Aelwydd]

 

Call her Mango Junior or just Junior for short. That should appease the patriarch.

[Baseball mom]

Oh please, they need to get a life.  NO way would I change my name to suit them.  I would probably get a shirt with my name  on it and wear it every time I saw them.

[idnib]

If you've seen the movie Office Space this reminds me of a scene from it. One of the characters is a software engineer whose name is Michael Bolton. There's a scene in which he's lamenting how much more difficult his life has become since the singer Michael Bolton became famous. When his coworker asks him why he doesn't just go by "Mike" he responds, "Why should I change my name? He's the one who sucks."  :leaving:

[Scrub Jay]

Oh please, they need to get a life. NO way would I change my name to suit them. I would probably get a shirt with my name on it and wear it every time I saw them.

Please do this. That would be awesome. Add a name necklace, ala Carrie from Sex in the City.

[Jennifer]

and a "Hello, My Name is..." sticker. Lots of name stickers.  And a name keychain. And a mug.

[hillfarm]

A lot of not-so-nice people use a veneer of niceness to cover a multitude of sins. They "politely" ask for outrageous things. They kill people with "kindness". They "generously" try to force others to do what they want. The niceness is a front, a mask to hide the ugly and controlling nature that lies below. Identify it and don't be hesitant to label it for what it is. The niceness is just a distraction.

 

I would let the issue drop, but be prepared if anyone brings it up directly to you. And then I'd probably say, "You people need to get over this. I prefer to go by Jen, that is my name, and that is what I will answer to. Bil can ask his new wife to change her name or you can all learn to handle a situation that is common in tens of thousands of other families. This is not rocket science. It is not that hard. And now, in my mind the matter is closed. Please pass the bean dip." Firm, not emotional, no room for discussion. The problem is theirs, not yours.

 

Then if the adult approach doesn't work, any time anyone tried to refer to me by something other than my chosen name, I would either assign them a nickname at random (How's that suit you, Skippy?) or shorten their given name to some diminutive (So, Liz, have you decided where to put the kids' table this year?) I would probably get great amusement and perverse entertainment out of this. I would pointedly refer to the other person by their new nickname to others and to my dh, especially if they were within earshot. "Babs says she wants to drop by Grandmother Hortense's house on the way to the Christmas pageant." They would learn to cross me at their own risk! (Poor cousin Pookie just hasn't been the same since she made the mistake of calling me the wrong name. So sad...)

 

Be strong, be dangerous, be a loose cannon, and let them be afraid!

[Arcadia]

Forgot to add that in my tunnel vision of being hurt by FIL's words yesterday I totally missed the fact that we weren't invited to the Aug. bi-annual family event. . . . . 

 

DH is deeply hurt. 

 

It's been 8 months since we last saw them. 

:grouphug:  It is time and a good excuse to cut ties.

[crazyforlatin]

Does the new DIL know about this request to have your name changed? Is she in on it?

[Swimtaxi234]

Why don't they refer to the new niece-in-law as, "Jane Smith Doe"?  My sil and I have the same first names and if anyone is confused, we toss in a maiden name.

[NorthwestMom]

I hate to say this, but as long as you remain in contact with these people, both you and your dh are setting yourselves up to keep getting hurt. I know it is hard for many people to make a break from family members, but in some cases, it's the only way to save your sanity and your self-esteem, and to finally be able to be calm and peaceful.

 

Your dh's family sounds incredibly toxic. If there are a few family members who are a positive influence on your life, stay in touch with them, but I think it's time to walk away from the rest of them.

 

They sound mean.

 

How can you possibly believe that they are "some of the nicest people you would ever meet?" :confused:

 

THEY ARE NOT NICE. (But it sounds like you are way, way too nice!!!)

 

:iagree:

 

They need to GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE.  You are worth MUCH more than this crappy treatment.    :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[mysticmomma]

They can call you Queen "first name" if they have so much trouble.