Unreasonable parental demand or common sense?

[marbel]

Just curious if I am clueless or what.

 

One of my kids wanted to set up a bowling outing with two friends for today.  I've met one of the boys many times and his mom and I are friendly acquaintances; I've met the other boy and his mom once, at a Scout function several years ago, but have no relationship with them.

 

The boys are 15-16 years old.  They made the arrangements; I said I could pick up and deliver the boys.  But I did say that I needed to be sure I spoke with a parent before taking the boys anywhere.   No problem with the boy I already know; I emailed his mom to confirm. 

 

The other boy had said one parent would be home when we picked him up.  For some reason I had my boy confirm that parental permission was necessary before I would take anyone in my car, and then the boy said that no one would be home after all.  This news came in via facebook at 10:30 last night, too late to make a phone call (by my standards, even if the kid is up).  I ended up talking to the mom this morning.  We had a pleasant conversation; her son had told her ahead of time so she knew about and approved the outing.  But she was surprised that I'd bothered to call.

 

So now I'm curious:  am I too tightly wound up about this stuff?  I'd be really angry if my kid went off with someone I didn't know without having some contact ahead of time.  I'd also be home when someone I didn't know came to pick up my kid so I could meet them - but I know that doesn't work for every family.  (Both of the parents are at work during the day.) 

 

I'm glad I reached her because I would have hated to cancel the outing.  Next time we will start earlier and be more proactive.  I'm used to knowing the parents of my kids' friends.  But I'm happy for my son's circle to expand; I just have to get used to it.

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

It's not you. I'm the same way. In fact, my dh struggles a bit with the fact that since he's not home during the day, he doesn't know the families of some of my dd's friends. So her going to birthday parties, etc. at "strangers' homes" bothers him.

[DawnM]

I will admit that all of our friends are homeschooled, so we may be in the VERY sheltered kids minority, but we all DO want to know who our kids are going with, even at age 15. My son is 15 and no way I would want him just jumping in the car with someone I hadn't met.

[renmew]

For me, I think the boys are old enough to not need that level of supervision. My friends and I were taking the city buses to group outings by 13/14, no longer needing, or even desiring, a parent driver. By 16 many kids have a job and are on the verge of adulthood, kind of past the time for moms arranging a play date for them.

 

My oldest is only 9, but I am going off my own experiences growing up.

[unsinkable]

You met the mom years ago...that'd be enough for me.

 

At 15 or 16, I'd let my sons go with a friend's parent that I hadn't met or talked to. Not my DD, tho' until I was sure they knew about her health issues.

[unsinkable]

And one more comment...it's not a dichotomy between unreasonable and common sense, IMO.

 

If someone replied you're being unreasonable and clueless...words you used...I would think that's harsh. Just the same as if you said I had no common sense to let my 16 yo get a ride from someone I didn't know.

[xixstar]

Hmm, I'm not sure. It's been a couple years, at least, that my oldest has been picked up to hang out with her friends or I've been picking friends up for them to hang out somewhere and haven't spoken to the parents. I've only met 2 sets of parents out of about 4-5 girls she hangs out with regularly (these are ones she has had a sleepovers with, one mom did seemed surprised I wanted to meet her the night I dropped dd off for a sleepover). I'm not overly protective and I'm comfortable with this for our family and this dd; I could see having a different expectation for a different child depending on our relationship and the child.

 

I assume that parents know I'm taking their kid because of how much back and forth communication goes on about if they can go, who will pick up or drop off, etc. Lots of times it's also that I will pick them all up but another parent will drop them all off.

[SproutMamaK]

From my own experience, at that age.... yes, that is a little tightly wound. Your responsibility is your son. You don't need to make sure that every other child is also following their parent's rules, or put rules upon other kids that their parents may not have. IMHO that just sounds a bit like borrowing trouble. I realize that you probably wouldn't send your kid with someone you don't know (nor would I, but I suppose I don't consider 16 a 'child' persay either), but if their parents don't have that rule it's not your place to try to implement it.

 

I'm with a PP; at that age I was driving to my own job, heading to my own events, and if I didn't have access to a car I was getting rides with my own friends. Having my mother call up my friend's Mothers to ask permission to be taken somewhere would frankly have been extremely embarrassing.

[marbel]

For me, I think the boys are old enough to not need that level of supervision. My friends and I were taking the city buses to group outings by 13/14, no longer needing, or even desiring, a parent driver. By 16 many kids have a job and are on the verge of adulthood, kind of past the time for moms arranging a play date for them.

 

My oldest is only 9, but I am going off my own experiences growing up.

 

You know, I hadn't thought of that.  If we lived in that kind of environment (public transit availability, or places kids could walk or ride bikes to), that would make sense to me.  I would love that, actually!   One of the boys lives a mile and a half from us, but there is only one route the boys could walk or ride, and it's hazardous.  I live in a terrible area for growing kids' independence in moving around.

I think the difference in my mind is - they're getting in my car, so I'm taking responsibility for them.  

 

I'd rather the kids were just meeting at the bowling alley.  But that was impractical for both the other boys, for different reasons. 

[ChristyB in TN]

I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do about permissions and such but I also wouldn't be surprised that other people don't parent that way. This one isn't right or wrong, just a parenting style. I am more like the parent who would have been a little surprised that my son's word that it was okay to ride with you wasn't enough. My kids have always been in lots of sports and activities and I rarely know the parents. We carpool a lot and I rarely have to have conversations about it but it wouldn't seem odd if someone felt we needed to. :)

[Danestress]

I think it is fine for you to want permission to drive someone else's kid. There are liability issues.

 

I would not expect a parent to call me to hear permission from me directly, though. Normally I would think my kid saying he had permission would be good enough for the parent. My 15 year olds don't lie about these things.

 

I often get text messages from my sons saying things like, "Mom, X's mom offered to take us to the movies. Is that ok? I have money." If I text back that it is ok, I don't expect the other parent to insist on calling me, but I also would not think badly if they did. This is just one of those things that different parents handle different ways, and it all seems ok to me.

 

My kids are busy and have a lot of friends. Typically I trust my kids to follow my rules. They know, for example, that there needs to be a parent home when they hang out at a friends' house. I no longer call to check the veracity of what they say to me every time (though I will if I feel like there is a reason). If their friends tell me they have their parent's permission, I tend to trust them too, right or wrong. I will ask though, if they actually asked a parent.

[marbel]

BTW I asked my son what he thought about it.  He thought it wasn't weird for me to touch base with the mom. 

 

He did, though, gently comment about something else.  The bowling alley isn't too far away but it's a pain to come home and then go out again.  I had planned to just sit in another part of the facility (out of sight) and read because there aren't any cafes or other places nearby for me to go.  He said he thought that would be weird and asked if I could please leave.  So I will do that even if it means drinking nasty Dunkin' Donuts coffee.  :D  There is sure to be one of those close by.

[bobbeym]

I'm the same way.  We don't usually let DS15 ride with adults we don't know, and I'd feel uncomfortable driving a teen somewhere unless I'd met his or her parents.

[beaners]

At that age I would expect my own child to tell me what they were doing, but not to get in contact with other parents unless it was something like a long trip or sleepover.

[marbel]

 I am more like the parent who would have been a little surprised that my son's word that it was okay to ride with you wasn't enough.

 

 

Normally I would think my kid saying he had permission would be good enough for the parent. My 15 year olds don't lie about these things.

 

Well now I hadn't thought about that either.  Since I don't really know the boy, I have no reason to distrust him or to trust him, kwim?   I don't assume all teens are liars, but I do know teens who lie.  

[marbel]

I appreciate all the responses.  It's giving me a lot to think about.  My OP wasn't a JAWM post, though some of my replies thus far may make it sound like I'm defending myself.   Just thinking it all through.   Looks like as in most things, there's a lot of differences in families. 

 

Feel free to keep 'em coming.

[regentrude]

At 15 or 16, I would normally not even think of consulting the parents. (I come from a culture where 14 year olds go on multi-day camping trips without adults.)

Now, living in the US and having gotten used to the litigious society, I might ask to talk to the other parent if it is somebody I have never met because I know people here are very sheltering, especially homeschooling parents. I doubt the issue would come up with kids who attend school. I have given plenty of rides to kids whose parents I have met, without asking every time.

But I would not consider it necessary for a 16 year old. Btw, I'd much rather my teens ride with a parent (even one I have never met) than with another 16 year old  new driver - they have to ask if they want to ride with a young driver, and we impose restrictions there.

My own kids have pretty good judgement to know whether it is OK to accept a ride from an adult and do not call me to ask permission.

[linders]

I let DS13 catch rides with parents I don't personally know when said parent is part of an organization to which we belong (swim team and scouts have been the biggies). These parents are typically friends of parents whom I do know well, which is how the opportunity comes up. With DS's schedule, it's been a lifesaver. I imagine by 15-16, I won't be involved in the who-is-giving-rides much at all, other than we will have some firm rules about riding with other teen drivers.

[J-rap]

Even if I required that for my own son, I don't think I would need it to be a requirement of someone else's 15/16 year old son. Afterall, I trust myself to be safe and responsible with another person's child.

 

Then again, we live in a small town where even if you don't know the person, someone else you know would know them.

[Parrothead]

At that age, I wouldn't be so very strict. If these were under 10-year olds I'd like to speak to a parent. Once they get 15,16,17 years old I don't expect to be so involved with everyone dd meets.

[Laura Corin]

Calvin would tell me that he was going out and with whom, but I wouldn't expect to be contacted by the parents.  He's going off to university next year, so he's starting to make his own decisions.  

 

If I were the parent giving the lift, I would ask the child if his parents know about it, and that would be all.

 

L

[Catwoman]

I think you did the right thing because you were driving the kid to and from the bowling alley, and you didn't really know him or his parents. Better safe than sorry!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree that it isn't a dichotomy between an unreasonable parental demand or common sense.  When my son was 13, I did want to know the parents a bit and touch bases with them.  At 16, that is no longer a concern for me.  But I do know my son's friends and are comfortable with them.  And I'm not particularly concerned about the liabilities of transporting other people in my car.  Maybe I should be, but I'm not.  But everyone's situation and comfort level is a bit different and that doesn't bother me either.  

[Anne in CA]

I kept track of where my kids were pretty carefully until they were 17. I do not think you were unreasonable at all.

[StephanieZ]

Personally, I trust the kids to deal with their own parents by age twelve or so. That doesn't mean I don't confirm permissions, but I will take the child's word for it. I ask the kid, or my kid asks the kid, if they have permission from their parent. If the kid says so, I believe them. With known families, I trust the kid's word by age ten or so, but even with unknown kids, I'd trust it by twelve or so.

 

If I were taking the kids to something unusually dangerous or for an overnight trip away from our home, then I could see wanting more specific authorization from a parent. But, for routine local outings or sleepovers, I don't see the need to get too worked up about parental permission.

[duckens]

I'm tightly wound, just like the OP.  I probably even make her look like a laid-back hippy mom.

 

--I would at least talk on the phone with the parents prior to any event, even if I knew the parents.  I like for there to be no surprises.  I would want to know where my kids are and with whom, and I provide the same courtesy to other parents.  "Just so you know where your kids are."

 

--Even if my dds were close to graduation, I would expect courtesy in knowing their plans.  Responsible adults don't make others worry. When we leave town (for the zoo or Sci Center), we telephone Daddy to let him know we will be out.  If we run to the pool or the store, I leave a message for him so he knows we will be unavailable for a few hours.

 

Some teens, through lack of practice or false maturity, keep secrets from their parents about their whereabouts.  I don't want to get in the middle of that, so I would call the parents.

 

--I have recently had a discussion with my 6yo daughter about not getting in the car with ANYBODY -- STRANGER OR FRIEND -- without Mommy and Daddy knowing who they are with.

 

I think of the poor kidnapped girls in Ohio.  One of them jumped into the car with her best friend's dad, with a promise that he would take her to be with her friend.  How would her story have ended if, before getting into the car, she had a cellphone to leave a message for her mom, "I'm offered a ride by {friend's dad].  He's taking me to [friend's] house"?

 

ETA: grammar/spelling errors

[marbel]

I'm tightly wound, just like the OP.  I probably even make her look like a laid-back hippy mom.

 

 

LOL.  That would be a first for me!  :lol: ;)

 

I'm enjoying this discussion.

 

We are back home now, after a nice afternoon.  I found a Barnes & Noble near the alley, so I found decent coffee and place to read.  Nice to have an afternoon off myself.  

 

Nice couple of boys, too.  I love having teenagers.

[Wheres Toto]

I used to drive my oldest's friends around all the time in high school since I was one of the few people with a vehicle big enough to take the bunch of them. I never thought about calling their parents about it. I took their word for it that their parents knew how they were getting home/getting to where they were going, and left it at that.

[carriede]

Not universal, but not unreasonable.

[Pawz4me]

IMO it's unreasonable, or at least strongly bordering on it.  I think kids at those ages need to start developing their independence.  Most 16 year olds are two years away from heading off to college, often far away from mom and dad.  They need to be working on developing independence and self-reliance.  My kids (14 and 17) know they need to check in with me periodically to let me know who they're with and where they're at.  That usually means a text message.  I leave it to the other kids' parents to set their own guidelines for such things, but from what I gather most appear to require the same periodic text updates that we do.