Did you have the S*# talk with your teenager?

[Samiam]

What kind of advice did you give to your teenager when they started dating regarding S*#.   I don't mean the "mechanics" of the action...the How-to's and why's.....I assume most of us are doing that during the puberty stages "talk".....I mean when they are actually starting to date, and have relationships, and their actions within those relationships. 

 

Did you go with a "Don't ever do it!" type of thing?

 

Did you go with a "If you think you need to do it, protect yourself" type of thing?  Maybe even going so far as to provide that protection???

 

Did you say nothing, assuming they already know the possible outcomes and will make good judgements?

 

Did you say nothing, assuming they would never do such a thing?

 

My oldest DS is 15, and though not dating yet, I'm assuming we'll get to that point eventually.   I "think" we'll be in the "If you think you need to do it, protect yourself" camp. Of course, I don't  want my child being active in teenagers years, but I know the reality is that it can't be stopped if that's the choice he makes.   I'm just looking back at my own history and I know when I started becoming active, there was nothing my parents could have said or done to stop what I was doing.  Of course, these were parents that never had ANY sort of S*# talk with me ever, nothing related to puberty, I learned what I knew from friends and Glamour magazine!

 

 

[Joanne]

Our sex and human relations conversations are ongoing.

 

The content during teen years has gone along the lines of:

 

"Your body will want to participate in sexual activity. This is normal and expected. I believe that heavy petting and intercourse make the emotions of a relationship complex. This requires maturity. So, I hope that you will make those choices carefully."

 

There were large packages of condoms on a clearance table at a grocery store about a year ago. I purchased them (all) and left them in a known space.. I'm too young to be a grandmother and want my teens to stay disease free.

[albeto.]

We talk about it as it comes up in reference to whatever brings it up. For example, yesterday my husband made some joke about keeping something in the bedside table drawer because it won't get lost there. I told him the kids rummage around in there so that's not really a "safe" place. He didn't know this and asked our youngest, who is 13, if he did, and if so, what did he find (to "test" him, you know?). Youngest reported that's where we keep the condoms, and that became fodder for some jokes for a bit. Eventually my son mentioned that he thinks it was funny that the box was empty, so we joked about him wanting to be a big brother. We also joked that our parents never did such things. Through light-hearted exchanges like that, we know that the kids know where to find condoms should they need them (we've shown them at the store as well), we know the kids know sex isn't an awkward or taboo subject, we know the kids know sex happens and Mom and Dad do it (which, if I'm not mistaken, should creep them out a good long time, thus keeping impulse risks at a minimum ;)). Through other, spontaneous conversations, we've talked about details like environment (being drunk makes one feel impulsive and may result in choices they later regret), social relationships (find out, don't guess, if feelings are mutual), moving on is part of it (s/he may not think it's a life-changing event, s/he may), know how to avoid hurt feelings, etc. Ultimately my kids know we have two rules: Don't be pressured (including self-pressure); Don't be stupid (prevent STD's as well as pregnancy). So far, none of my kids are sexually active, but if they do become so while living at home, conversations will naturally evolve to incorporate more info, ideas, concerns, etc.

[Joker]

We talk about their futures a lot which include making good decisions regarding sex, drugs, alcohol, grades, etc. It's the same talk my and dh's parents had with us and none of us had issues. I didn't even think about actually having sex until after high school because I knew it could mess up my plans. Fortunately, I've heard older dd's friends discussing the same things - that school is the most important right now and boys are just fun but nothing to get too caught up in. I don't see us ever providing protection. It wasn't done in my home nor dh's (even though my brother starting dating his now wife when they were 15). Neither of us or our siblings had surprises. I am one of four and dh is one of six and we're from completely different parts of the country, but our parents had the same talks - and often - with all of us.

[jhschool]

We are teaching our kid to wait until marriage.

 

I'm not judging anyone else--it's just what works for us.

[Guest inoubliable]

We've been having the talks for a few years now, we didn't wait until oldest hit puberty. We talk about healthy relationships, boundaries, respect. We talk about birth control and how he (we have all boy) are just as responsible for preventing pregnancy. We talk about protecting against STDs. And we never end the conversation. It's always still on the table. DS12 (and DS8, actually) knows that he can come and ask anything and that, when he's ready, we are more than agreeable to providing contraceptives. I imagine that when we know one of our kids is dating, we'll keep contraceptives in the house and accessible to them without them having to ask. 

[SunnyDays]

Edited, never mind.  :)

 

[Wildcat]

What kind of advice did you give to your teenager when they started dating regarding S*#.   I don't mean the "mechanics" of the action...the How-to's and why's.....I assume most of us are doing that during the puberty stages "talk".....I mean when they are actually starting to date, and have relationships, and their actions within those relationships. 

 

Did you go with a "Don't ever do it!" type of thing?

 

Did you go with a "If you think you need to do it, protect yourself" type of thing?  Maybe even going so far as to provide that protection???

 

Did you say nothing, assuming they already know the possible outcomes and will make good judgements?

 

Did you say nothing, assuming they would never do such a thing?

 

My oldest DS is 15, and though not dating yet, I'm assuming we'll get to that point eventually.   I "think" we'll be in the "If you think you need to do it, protect yourself" camp. Of course, I don't  want my child being active in teenagers years, but I know the reality is that it can't be stopped if that's the choice he makes.   I'm just looking back at my own history and I know when I started becoming active, there was nothing my parents could have said or done to stop what I was doing.  Of course, these were parents that never had ANY sort of S*# talk with me ever, nothing related to puberty, I learned what I knew from friends and Glamour magazine!

 

We talk and talk and talk. The kids know we (parents) would rather they wait, but we were teens once, too, and remember well those feelings and how difficult it can be. I was one who did wait, but most of the girls I knew didn't... one with disastrous consequences.

 

Our sex and human relations conversations are ongoing.

 

The content during teen years has gone along the lines of:

 

"Your body will want to participate in sexual activity. This is normal and expected. I believe that heavy petting and intercourse make the emotions of a relationship complex. This requires maturity. So, I hope that you will make those choices carefully."

 

There were large packages of condoms on a clearance table at a grocery store about a year ago. I purchased them (all) and left them in a known space.. I'm too young to be a grandmother and want my teens to stay disease free.

 

I love the bolded! that is beautiful.

 

We also emphasize the 'normal and expected' aspect and how maturity comes into play.

 

We've been having the talks for a few years now, we didn't wait until oldest hit puberty. We talk about healthy relationships, boundaries, respect. We talk about birth control and how he (we have all boy) are just as responsible for preventing pregnancy. We talk about protecting against STDs. And we never end the conversation. It's always still on the table. DS12 (and DS8, actually) knows that he can come and ask anything and that, when he's ready, we are more than agreeable to providing contraceptives. I imagine that when we know one of our kids is dating, we'll keep contraceptives in the house and accessible to them without them having to ask. 

 

This is us.

 

While I would love for my kids to wait until marriage, it just isn't likely, so I would rather they be prepared and safe.

 

Oh, we also pounded into our son that HE should always be protected, even if the girl says SHE is.... some girls lie, some are on meds that can negate the method, some forget, sometimes BC just doesn't work, and if he doesn't protect himself, he could wind up with a nasty, life-altering STD. 

 

For us (and for me & my sibling growing up) there wasn't just one talk.... it was years of opportunities where the talkS got more specific as we got older. This is what dh and I are doing with our kids. We firmly believe that good communication is key. The more things are talked about, the easier it becomes to do the talking and for the message to be heard.

 

[*********]

We teach our children what the Bible says regarding sex and marriage; specifically, that sex is for a married man and woman ONLY. We teach them that any sex outside of that is a sin, because that's what the Lord's word says.

 

If they decide to reject these teachings once they no longer live in our home, that is outside of our control. But while still children under our care, dh and I have the expectation that they will follow our teachings, whether they agree with them or not.

[Heather in Neverland]

We do not allow dating before age 18. Having said that, I agree with Bethany and we teach our children the biblical view of sex.

[elegantlion]

It's an ongoing conversation around here. 

[Miss Marple]

We never had a "talk".  The topic was spoken of whenever and wherever it was appropriate at any age (with age appropriate answers to questions).  If you are talking about the "morality" of the topic and how this was handled, well, it too was discussed many, many times from the time they could ask questions.  Every family will have a different "morality" and ours is one which would be quite common in conservative Christian circles.  We believe that sex before marriage is wrong.  We discuss these things in the context of every day life.  IOW, situations outside of our home are/can be used to illustrate why we believe what we believe and the many consequences we can see from that behavior.  We also discuss the desires and interests that the boys feel and how they are normal and natural and good.  This is a small part of a belief system that the boys have been exposed to since birth.  So we really haven't had a "talk" per se...we've talked and talked and talked :)

 

They have had the "mechanics" course (in our biology) and because my dil is a pharmacy student they have been exposed to the many forms of birth control.  She has had them quiz her for exams, etc.  It's all been fun to watch - there is seemingly nothing that she will not answer for them.  And, I think, sometimes they prefer to hear it from her than from me (also a pharmacist).  And the comments the boys make are priceless!

 

One of my son's friends said long ago, "you mom will talk about anything, won't she".  That's sort of the reputation I have around our homeschool circle.  Some find that a positive, others definitely keep their (and their kids') distance :)

 

We have not imposed our "morality" on our sons.  We hope they embrace the same beliefs, but we realize they will have to come to their own realization and how they will deal with it.  The message that sex outside of marriage is fine and good is quite prevalent in our society so they hear this side.  We add the other side :)  It's up to them to choose their path.

 

FWIW, my boys haven't "dated" before age 18 and even then they are usually in a group.  A lunch or snack with a young lady is not considered a date in our family.  I haven't really had any who have asked to "date" before that age. 

[dakarimom5]

We start when our kids are young giving bits of information in a calm, no big deal way. We answer questions as they come, but sometimes the answers are not what they are looking for! A couple weeks ago ds #3 and #4 came to me want to know what tampons were and if I would buy some for them since they make great fire starter according to the survival show they were watching. They were not impressed by the knowledge I shared with them.

 

With ds #2 he is at the age that we are talking about the type of girl he should or shouldn't date, but I have always told my children that if you want to be intimate but are too scared to talk about birth control, then maybe you have not been in a relationship long enough.

[Guest inoubliable]

We teach our children what the Bible says regarding sex and marriage; specifically, that sex is for a married man and woman ONLY. We teach them that any sex outside of that is a sin, because that's what the Lord's word says.

 

If they decide to reject these teachings once they no longer live in our home, that is outside of our control. But while still children under our care, dh and I have the expectation that they will follow our teachings, whether they agree with them or not.

 

 

We do not allow dating before age 18. Having said that, I agree with Bethany and we teach our children the biblical view of sex.

 

 

I get where you're coming from on this. I grew up Catholic and was taught the same thing. Will you really not explain contraception or protection from STDs to your children when they reach their teens? It just seems risky to me to repeat a religious viewpoint on the matter and not address some very real consequences if your child ends up..."sinning". KWIM? I'm really curious about this. 

[texasmama]

This is a conversation that began long before puberty in my house.  The kids hear our viewpoints/beliefs and the "why's" behind these.  Then they get a lot of increasingly detailed information about the mechanics, diseases, pregnancy, etc.  My kids hear frank and detailed information from me, so there is never really any one "big talk".  It is a conversation we have been having since they were pretty young.  I also tell them that I would always rather know what they are doing so I can help them to make good decisions.  I have no illusions that my wishes alone will drive my children's choices and help them to understand the potential pitfalls of sexual actvitiy while keeping a positive view of sex in the context of marriage.

 

ETA:  I am Christian, but in this issue, as in many, I am likely more liberal than many Christians and too "religious" for non-Christians.  It's what works for me (thusfar).  :)

 

Second ETA:  I have no idea if I am "doing it right".  Only time will tell.  I am being very honest and walking this path very intuitively, as I do pretty much everything.  I have lived my teen/young adult life.  It will be my kids' turn to live theirs.  I can hope and pray that they feel comfortable enough with me to talk to me when they hit a snag.

[mrbmom77]

I teach my daughter that the Bible is very clear that fornication is a sin and she should wait until she's married.

That said, I was a good church girl and the only sex talk I ever got was "You'll go to hell for fornication." I got pregnant at 19 and have never been married.

I talk to her about consequences - pregnancy is the least of my worries. There's a big syphilis problem in our area. I talk about herpes, and AIDS, and other STDs. I talk to her about my own regrets. I talk about how it changes a relationship and that sin distances us from God. I tell her I don't want her to have my regrets. I tell her that sex is a gift and one of the most amazing experiences on earth and I want her to experience it without guilt, or shame, or regrets. I remind her that her father and I were using condoms when she was conceived - no option is 100%.

And then I tell her that she can ask me for birth control at any time. I will be upset, but I will not go ballistic, and I will take her to a doctor to discuss her options. She's only 14 now, but in a couple of years, I probably will buy condoms and keep them in the house. In the end, it is her body, her relationship, her walk with God, and she will make her choices. I hope they're the right ones.

 

Lately we've been talking about this quite a bit because there's a boy she likes. It's very open and casual and "when it crops up." I don't make a production of it.

 

ETA - I get where the parents are coming from that simply forbid it until marriage. I understand. But I don't think it works. I went to one of the strictest Pentecostal churches in my area and this was the approach. I can think of exactly 1 girl who married still a virgin. The rest sinned and hid it. A couple were busted and punished. I got pregnant, so no hiding that.

[Scarlett]

I get where you're coming from on this. I grew up Catholic and was taught the same thing. Will you really not explain contraception or protection from STDs to your children when they reach their teens? It just seems risky to me to repeat a religious viewpoint on the matter and not address some very real consequences if your child ends up..."sinning". KWIM? I'm really curious about this.

I will give my ds13 the facts.....already have told him a lot....but more as a cautionary tale of how using protection isn't completely foolproof for preventing pregnancy or disease. I think it is disingenuous to say, oh just in case you go COMPLETELY against your raising here is a way to make that less dangerous.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I teach my daughter that the Bible is very clear that fornication is a sin and she should wait until she's married.

That said, I was a good church girl and the only sex talk I ever got was "You'll go to hell for fornication." I got pregnant at 19 and have never been married.

I talk to her about consequences - pregnancy is the least of my worries. There's a big syphilis problem in our area. I talk about herpes, and AIDS, and other STDs. I talk to her about my own regrets. I talk about how it changes a relationship and that sin distances us from God. I tell her I don't want her to have my regrets. I tell her that sex is a gift and one of the most amazing experiences on earth and I want her to experience it without guilt, or shame, or regrets. I remind her that her father and I were using condoms when she was conceived - no option is 100%.

And then I tell her that she can ask me for birth control at any time. I will be upset, but I will not go ballistic, and I will take her to a doctor to discuss her options. She's only 14 now, but in a couple of years, I probably will buy condoms and keep them in the house. In the end, it is her body, her relationship, her walk with God, and she will make her choices. I hope they're the right ones.

 

Lately we've been talking about this quite a bit because there's a boy she likes. It's very open and casual and "when it crops up." I don't make a production of it.

 

ETA - I get where the parents are coming from that simply forbid it until marriage. I understand. But I don't think it works. I went to one of the strictest Pentecostal churches in my area and this was the approach. I can think of exactly 1 girl who married still a virgin. The rest sinned and hid it. A couple were busted and punished. I got pregnant, so no hiding that.

 

That is beautiful. Is that also what you've taught your son? (I'm not being snarky, just wondering, because I noticed after I read your post that you also have an older son.)

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

A couple weeks ago ds #3 and #4 came to me want to know what tampons were and if I would buy some for them since they make great fire starter according to the survival show they were watching. They were not impressed by the knowledge I shared with them.

 

This made me  :smilielol5:  :smilielol5:  :smilielol5: !

[Scarlett]

I teach my daughter that the Bible is very clear that fornication is a sin and she should wait until she's married.

That said, I was a good church girl and the only sex talk I ever got was "You'll go to hell for fornication." I got pregnant at 19 and have never been married.

I talk to her about consequences - pregnancy is the least of my worries. There's a big syphilis problem in our area. I talk about herpes, and AIDS, and other STDs. I talk to her about my own regrets. I talk about how it changes a relationship and that sin distances us from God. I tell her I don't want her to have my regrets. I tell her that sex is a gift and one of the most amazing experiences on earth and I want her to experience it without guilt, or shame, or regrets. I remind her that her father and I were using condoms when she was conceived - no option is 100%.

And then I tell her that she can ask me for birth control at any time. I will be upset, but I will not go ballistic, and I will take her to a doctor to discuss her options. She's only 14 now, but in a couple of years, I probably will buy condoms and keep them in the house. In the end, it is her body, her relationship, her walk with God, and she will make her choices. I hope they're the right ones.

 

Lately we've been talking about this quite a bit because there's a boy she likes. It's very open and casual and "when it crops up." I don't make a production of it.

 

ETA - I get where the parents are coming from that simply forbid it until marriage. I understand. But I don't think it works. I went to one of the strictest Pentecostal churches in my area and this was the approach. I can think of exactly 1 girl who married still a virgin. The rest sinned and hid it. A couple were busted and punished. I got pregnant, so no hiding that.

It is not me forbidding it. The Bible, Gods Word forbids it. To provide a means to help another person sin would make me complicit in that sin.

[*********]

I get where you're coming from on this. I grew up Catholic and was taught the same thing. Will you really not explain contraception or protection from STDs to your children when they reach their teens? It just seems risky to me to repeat a religious viewpoint on the matter and not address some very real consequences if your child ends up..."sinning". KWIM? I'm really curious about this. 

Yes, we will address stds, contraception, all of it. For example, they will know what condoms are for, how they are used, they will know what STDs are and how they are contracted. I have no intention of sheltering them from the facts and reality of sex and all that it entails. But I will be teaching it from the viewpoint of the Word of God, and dh and I will have the expectation that the children follow our teachings on it while still children. Just like we expect them to follow our teachings on everything else while still children. 

[Scarlett]

I teach my daughter that the Bible is very clear that fornication is a sin and she should wait until she's married.

That said, I was a good church girl and the only sex talk I ever got was "You'll go to hell for fornication."t.

This is the problem. Kids, humans, need MUCH more than, don't do it it is a sin. From the rest of your post it appears you are talking to your kids in ways your parents did not talk to you. They need the reasons not to as well as practical help to avoid the situations that make it difficult to say no or to stop.

 

And they need good strong real life examples of people walking the walk.

[mrbmom77]

That is beautiful. Is that also what you've taught your son? (I'm not being snarky, just wondering, because I noticed after I read your post that you also have an older son.)

 

Oh, I didn't even think about how that would look! LOL

My son is autistic and nowhere near ready to date yet. I'm consulting with his psychiatrist as we go. Wish me luck! Yes, I will teach him the same, but on a totally different time-table.

[mrbmom77]

This is the problem. Kids, humans, need MUCH more than, don't do it it is a sin. From the rest of your post it appears you are talking to your kids in ways your parents did not talk to you. They need the reasons not to as well as practical help to avoid the situations that make it difficult to say no or to stop.

 

And they need good strong real life examples of people walking the walk.

 

Yes, exactly. I have rules in place about not being alone with boys, etc. I've explained that this is to protect both of them - not that I think every boy is just after sex. I remember well how quickly things can get out of hand when you never meant to go there. And if the boy is older than her, there's the issue of him ending up on a sex offender registry. I've explained to her that it could absolutely destroy a boy's life. And we've recently started attending a strong church that we really connect with. I want her surrounded by like-minded believers that she can emulate - people of all ages from all sorts of backgrounds dedicating their lives to Christ and doing their best to follow him and live together in community.

[QueenCat]

 And if the boy is older than her, there's the issue of him ending up on a sex offender registry. I've explained to her that it could absolutely destroy a boy's life.

 

Only if you, her parent, chooses to report him, would this happen. If I knew it was consensual, I wouldn't report it UNLESS there was a huge age difference, such as an 17 yob with a 13 yog..... but I wouldn't report a 17yob with a 15-16yog, regardless of how I felt morally.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Oh, I didn't even think about how that would look! LOL

My son is autistic and nowhere near ready to date yet. I'm consulting with his psychiatrist as we go. Wish me luck! Yes, I will teach him the same, but on a totally different time-table.

 

Oh yes, I imagine that changes the lessons quite a bit! Thanks for responding :D

[Heather in Neverland]

I get where you're coming from on this. I grew up Catholic and was taught the same thing. Will you really not explain contraception or protection from STDs to your children when they reach their teens? It just seems risky to me to repeat a religious viewpoint on the matter and not address some very real consequences if your child ends up..."sinning". KWIM? I'm really curious about this. 

 

Of course we talk about it. We talk about it a lot. My ds is VERY aware of the risks of premarital sex and his knowledge of this further strengthens our family's view that sex before marriage is not worth the risk. He is aware that there is no such thing as "safe" sex. We are very direct and very open about it. Movies, television, books are all teachable moments for us as to how Hollywood and the media are brainwashing everyone into believing that casual sex is not only acceptable but desirable. We don't want our kids fooled into believing that.

 

He is also being raised in an environment where dating and teenage sex is not the norm and the teens here are all brought up to believe that waiting until marriage is the norm. He would have a very difficult time finding a girl at this school who was willing to do it. So his classmates and friends are all supportive of each other in focusing on their studies and their faith. There are very few kids who date at this school at all. In addition, expat teens can't get jobs here or a driver's license so their freedom is rather limited. Plus, with a small community, everyone knows everything...there are no secrets. So if he was venturing into dangerous waters I would know about it by the end of the day. This gives him time to grow up and mature before making adult decisions like who to have sex with. 

[SpecialClassical]

Only if you, her parent, chooses to report him, would this happen. If I knew it was consensual, I wouldn't report it UNLESS there was a huge age difference, such as an 17 yob with a 13 yog..... but I wouldn't report a 17yob with a 15-16yog, regardless of how I felt morally.

Another possibility is if the younger teen is in state custody. I know a young lady who was on the sex offender registry because the father of her child was a teen foster child.

[Melissa in Australia]

We are teaching our kid to wait until marriage.

 

I'm not judging anyone else--it's just what works for us.

I was brought up this way, s^x outside of marriage was viewed basically as a mortal sin. There were 8 children in my family for me I waited until married, and one other brother. I had one brother that was seduced by a much older woman ( he was a teen, she married but her DH couldn't have children) one brother accidently get girlfriend pregnant, 1 sister marry the deadhead that got her pregnant and the rest of my siblings have children unmarried.

 

I think that more discussion by my parents about preventing pregnancies etc along with the message that it is best to wait might have resulted in many of my siblings not messing up their life.

[livetoread]

Only if you, her parent, chooses to report him, would this happen. If I knew it was consensual, I wouldn't report it UNLESS there was a huge age difference, such as an 17 yob with a 13 yog..... but I wouldn't report a 17yob with a 15-16yog, regardless of how I felt morally.

In my state, 17 with a 13 yo would not be illegal anyway. 18 and under 16 is though. State laws for consent vary and should be part of any discussion IMO.

[Lara in Colo]

My children are still young (my oldest just turned 13) so dating is isn't an issue yet. 

 

I did tell my girls that you wouldn't give your most prized possession to someone who wouldn't take care of it, you wouldn't tell your most personal secret to someone who wouldn't keep it. 

You need to be with someone you trust completely. Someone you trust to keep your secrets--- how you are too skinny or too pale or have a weird scar on your stomach. Someone that you can tell anything too and know that you are safe with.  Someone that thinks of you and protects you physically, mentally and spiritually.  You need to feel that you can share anything with this person -- secrets, silly jokes, thoughts, feelings, spiritual journeys--- and know that they will keep these things and not betray you or belittle you. Someone that will hold your hair when you barf and not tell the world that you blew chunks after only one beer.  Someone you know will protect your children with their life and love you when you are old.

 

 

Having s*x is when you are most vulnerable-- physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

 

S*x (when you do it right) is when your soul touches another soul. 

 

Choose that person well, because you can't get that piece of your soul back.

 

 

 

 

[mrbmom77]

Only if you, her parent, chooses to report him, would this happen. If I knew it was consensual, I wouldn't report it UNLESS there was a huge age difference, such as an 17 yob with a 13 yog..... but I wouldn't report a 17yob with a 15-16yog, regardless of how I felt morally.

 

I absolutely agree. I'm not completely up on the laws, so I didn't really know if anyone could report it or only the parent. Thanks.

[I.Dup.]

My children are still young (my oldest just turned 13) so dating is isn't an issue yet. 

 

I did tell my girls that you wouldn't give your most prized possession to someone who wouldn't take care of it, you wouldn't tell your most personal secret to someone who wouldn't keep it. 

You need to be with someone you trust completely. Someone you trust to keep your secrets--- how you are too skinny or too pale or have a weird scar on your stomach. Someone that you can tell anything too and know that you are safe with.  Someone that thinks of you and protects you physically, mentally and spiritually.  You need to feel that you can share anything with this person -- secrets, silly jokes, thoughts, feelings, spiritual journeys--- and know that they will keep these things and not betray you or belittle you. Someone that will hold your hair when you barf and not tell the world that you blew chunks after only one beer.  Someone you know will protect your children with their life and love you when you are old.

 

 

Having s*x is when you are most vulnerable-- physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

 

S*x (when you do it right) is when your soul touches another soul. 

 

Choose that person well, because you can't get that piece of your soul back.

 

I love this. Makes me a bit teary. My first experience was just awful, I did not choose well at all. It was about as traumatic as it could have possibly been. I hope different for my children.

 

[jhschool]

I was brought up this way, s^x outside of marriage was viewed basically as a mortal sin. There were 8 children in my family for me I waited until married, and one other brother. I had one brother that was seduced by a much older woman ( he was a teen, she married but her DH couldn't have children) one brother accidently get girlfriend pregnant, 1 sister marry the deadhead that got her pregnant and the rest of my siblings have children unmarried.

 

I think that more discussion by my parents about preventing pregnancies etc along with the message that it is best to wait might have resulted in many of my siblings not messing up their life.

 

 

I am very sorry for the troubles your family had--that's very awful about the older woman.

 

I am sorry too about the other things that happened.  I don't mean to dismiss your

experience in the least.

 

It works for our family to teach our DS to wait until marriage.  DS agrees with us

and is looking forward to the time when he can meet and get to know his future wife.

We talk about how she is already around -- since she probably won't be much younger

than him, and about how he should think about how he treats every single girl.  He

is definitely with us in the thinking that waiting for marriage is the right thing to do for

him.  He gets along great with girls and is very polite and nice and gallant to 

all of them.  I know girls give him looks often and talk about him.  

 

We are not teaching that it is best to wait, but to wait.  I have no fears or worries at all

that he will be active during the teenage years--he is just not going to do it.  

Our family is fortunate to be very close

and open, and we are very supportive to one another.  He trusts us and we trust him.

 

I want to emphasize that I am not judging anyone who is OK with their teens engaging in

sexual activity--to each their own, and I believe in freedom for all.  I am just stating

what works for our family.

 

We also are fortunate enough to move in circles where the girls are being taught to save

themselves for their husbands, so there are other teens with the same viewpoints.

 

Again, I am sorry for the bad stuff that happened that you mentioned.  My heart goes out

to you--it must have been hard.

[jhschool]

My children are still young (my oldest just turned 13) so dating is isn't an issue yet. 

 

I did tell my girls that you wouldn't give your most prized possession to someone who wouldn't take care of it, you wouldn't tell your most personal secret to someone who wouldn't keep it. 

 

You need to be with someone you trust completely. Someone you trust to keep your secrets--- how you are too skinny or too pale or have a weird scar on your stomach. Someone that you can tell anything too and know that you are safe with.  Someone that thinks of you and protects you physically, mentally and spiritually.  You need to feel that you can share anything with this person -- secrets, silly jokes, thoughts, feelings, spiritual journeys--- and know that they will keep these things and not betray you or belittle you. Someone that will hold your hair when you barf and not tell the world that you blew chunks after only one beer.  Someone you know will protect your children with their life and love you when you are old.

 

 

Having s*x is when you are most vulnerable-- physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

 

S*x (when you do it right) is when your soul touches another soul. 

 

Choose that person well, because you can't get that piece of your soul back.

I love this--I am showing this to DS--he will love it too!

(of course, he will see himself as the protector and not the protectee--but he

will love it anyway).

[jhschool]

I love this. Makes me a bit teary. My first experience was just awful, I did not choose well at all. It was about as traumatic as it could have possibly been. I hope different for my children.

 

I am sorry I.Dup.!

 

Hugs to you.

 

I got teary too with that beautiful post by Lara.

[Melissa in Australia]

I am very sorry for the troubles your family had--that's very awful about the older woman.

 

I am sorry too about the other things that happened.  I don't mean to dismiss your

experience in the least.

 

It works for our family to teach our DS to wait until marriage.  DS agrees with us

and is looking forward to the time when he can meet and get to know his future wife.

We talk about how she is already around -- since she probably won't be much younger

than him, and about how he should think about how he treats every single girl.  He

is definitely with us in the thinking that waiting for marriage is the right thing to do for

him.  He gets along great with girls and is very polite and nice and gallant to 

all of them.  I know girls give him looks often and talk about him.  

 

We are not teaching that it is best to wait, but to wait.  I have no fears or worries at all

that he will be active during the teenage years--he is just not going to do it.  

Our family is fortunate to be very close

and open, and we are very supportive to one another.  He trusts us and we trust him.

 

I want to emphasize that I am not judging anyone who is OK with their teens engaging in

sexual activity--to each their own, and I believe in freedom for all.  I am just stating

what works for our family.

 

We also are fortunate enough to move in circles where the girls are being taught to save

themselves for their husbands, so there are other teens with the same viewpoints.

 

Again, I am sorry for the bad stuff that happened that you mentioned.  My heart goes out

to you--it must have been hard.

re. the bolded. That was exactly the circle that we were in as well. all in the same church with the same high moral ground. The married woman was in the church.  she was near 40, my brother was just a few weeks over 18. I lived beside the woman I saw how she seduced him. I tried to warn my brother he didn't believe me that she was trying to seduce him. I even told the church elders hoping for help to stop what was going to happen. to no avail.my brother was shunned by the church and congregation, because of course the male is more responsible. The married woman got the child she wanted, and was not shunned.

 It was the beginning of a big spiral that ended up with my whole family leaving the church.

 what I have taught my children is that it is best to wait, that is what I did and I really really strongly recommend it, But look at my siblings and pay attention on what you need to do USE CONTRASEPTIVES, and not only one but 2 and fully expect them to fail. I tell them that if they don't want the chance of having a child then don't have sex.

[Delirium]

Mine isn't a teen yet but I directly answered any questions when we were discussing her newly pubescent body. Girl child is waaaaay comfortable with her body (she once performed a contortionist feat showing me a new freckle on her labia..how did that even get there?) and asked a LOT of questions and it eventually came to the point I felt I had to mention personal safety. We talked about condoms, birth control and the various options, STDs and STIs, dental dams, why you should only use unflavored water based lubes, the list goes on. Lest you think my answering caused her to be interested at an early age, I can still send her running from the room just mentioning sex.

 

I absolutely stressed that it is normal and that it is something that both parties involved need to feel safe and okay with whatever is happening and that you never have to do anything.

 

There was a sex ed video on Youtube that we watched. I think it was from the BBC.

[albeto.]

My children are still young (my oldest just turned 13) so dating is isn't an issue yet. 

 

I did tell my girls that you wouldn't give your most prized possession to someone who wouldn't take care of it, you wouldn't tell your most personal secret to someone who wouldn't keep it. 

 

You need to be with someone you trust completely. Someone you trust to keep your secrets--- how you are too skinny or too pale or have a weird scar on your stomach. Someone that you can tell anything too and know that you are safe with.  Someone that thinks of you and protects you physically, mentally and spiritually.  You need to feel that you can share anything with this person -- secrets, silly jokes, thoughts, feelings, spiritual journeys--- and know that they will keep these things and not betray you or belittle you. Someone that will hold your hair when you barf and not tell the world that you blew chunks after only one beer.  Someone you know will protect your children with their life and love you when you are old.

 

 

Having s*x is when you are most vulnerable-- physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

 

S*x (when you do it right) is when your soul touches another soul. 

 

Choose that person well, because you can't get that piece of your soul back.

 

Lara, I'm going to pick up on your words but I hope you understand I'm not trying to pick on you. I'm using your post as a point from which to jump, but I mean this as an open question - not to challenge you personally to defend your beliefs, but as a means of opening this question a bit more for my own understanding. I'll preface this with the fact that my mother taught me something very similar, but it never made sense to me. When I had sex for the first time, I didn't feel vulnerable, I didn't require my partner to be someone to keep all my secrets, to protect me physically, mentally, or spiritually. I had sex with this man because I really, really enjoyed being with him and wanted to experience this with him as well. I don't regret that experience, and I still don't understand how virginity is a person's "most prized possession."

 

So my first question is how? How is virginity someone's most prized possession? Is that a figure of speech, or is it really the most valuable thing a person can have, no exceptions?

 

Then my second question, and why I came back to this thread, has to do with "slut shaming." I recognize this is not what you're doing, not what you're advocating. But in reading about this, I see this as the first step in such a trail. Allow me to explain. I read an article this morning, and when I came to the following quote, some pieces of a puzzle came together for me. Here is the quote:

 

"I’m going to ask you a very personal question and I don’t want you to answer. You’re a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Why are you giving yourself up sexually?" she asked, cocking her head to one side.

 

Um, because sex is fun? The slut-shaming was really the icing on the cake. She didn't want me to respond, but rather to sit there and be admonished for having premarital sex.  

 

 

This is what brought me back to this thread, and your comment, one that has received a lot of support and appreciation. Slut shaming is, sadly, a rather common thing in our society. Katelyn Campbell made the news when she, as a student in a West Virginia high school, protested a school assembly that included slut-shaming, and was then allegedly threatened by her principal. The idea that sex before or outside of marriage is shameful is pervasive, and I think it begins with the idea that virginity is one's "most prized possession." I guess I don't have a question, but am throwing this thought out because it seems to me that the ideal you're promoting is the beginning of this shame, not the protection against it. I'd like to hear some opinions that explain this in an alternative way because I'm stuck here.  

[Miss Marple]

 

 

The idea that sex before or outside of marriage is shameful is pervasive,

Albeto, I wonder just how true this is.  In my experience growing up in a public school, I was shamed for just the opposite.  I was constantly ridiculed because I was a still a virgin...in 9th grade!  My son, at age 17, is considered an anomaly at his workplace and college because he is still a virgin (as are my older boys).  He is constantly reminded of it.  I simply don't see that "slut shaming" is pervasive in our society - perhaps in some circles, but not in general.

 

 

[I.Dup.]

Many of us DO believe having sex with anyone "because it's fun" IS shameful. It can cause degradation, humiliation, diseases (1 in 2 or 3 people now has an STD?), emotional problems, and on and on. Since when did it become acceptable for people to go around having sex "because it's fun?" Are we animals?

[Scarlett]

Lara, I'm going to pick up on your words but I hope you understand I'm not trying to pick on you. I'm using your post as a point from which to jump, but I mean this as an open question - not to challenge you personally to defend your beliefs, but as a means of opening this question a bit more for my own understanding. I'll preface this with the fact that my mother taught me something very similar, but it never made sense to me. When I had sex for the first time, I didn't feel vulnerable, I didn't require my partner to be someone to keep all my secrets, to protect me physically, mentally, or spiritually. I had sex with this man because I really, really enjoyed being with him and wanted to experience this with him as well. I don't regret that experience, and I still don't understand how virginity is a person's "most prized possession."

 

So my first question is how? How is virginity someone's most prized possession? Is that a figure of speech, or is it really the most valuable thing a person can have, no exceptions?

 

Then my second question, and why I came back to this thread, has to do with "slut shaming." I recognize this is not what you're doing, not what you're advocating. But in reading about this, I see this as the first step in such a trail. Allow me to explain. I read an article this morning, and when I came to the following quote, some pieces of a puzzle came together for me. Here is the quote:

 

 

This is what brought me back to this thread, and your comment, one that has received a lot of support and appreciation. Slut shaming is, sadly, a rather common thing in our society. Katelyn Campbell made the news when she, as a student in a West Virginia high school, protested a school assembly that included slut-shaming, and was then allegedly threatened by her principal. The idea that sex before or outside of marriage is shameful is pervasive, and I think it begins with the idea that virginity is one's "most prized possession." I guess I don't have a question, but am throwing this thought out because it seems to me that the ideal you're promoting is the beginning of this shame, not the protection against it. I'd like to hear some opinions that explain this in an alternative way because I'm stuck here.

I don't think you are going to understand it because you don't believe sex outside of marriage is wrong.

 

Lara the one thing I kept thinking is that while I do agree with you, sometimes kids don't understand what virginity means. My mom was raped whe she was 13. She told no one until she married my dad whe she was 21. When she was 15 she went to spend the summer with her older sister....who in an effort to be helpful said something similar to my mom....my mom....not understanding that being raped is different than having sex....told herself...well I have already given it away so why try now....and I think she went through a less than moral phase then before she got pregnant with me at age 19...unmarried.

 

It makes me sad that my mom felt that way. If only she had TOLD someone her family would have explained to her that being raped is not the same thing as having sex before marriage.

[Lara in Colo]

I don't actually think that your virginity is your most prized possession.   I do think that *you* are your most prized possession.  I believe that you are vulnerable during s*x.  You are naked-- physically emotionally and spiritually--.  I truly do believe you give a part of yourself away when you have s*x.

I want my children to understand that this is more than a physical release.

 

So you need to be with someone you trust to take care of you.--all of you.

 

You can be injured physically by a more powerful person.  You can be belittled by someone who is callus with your feelings.  Too many times young people act without thinking of the consequences.  I think there are soooo many more consequences to s*x that have nothing to do with babies.  It has to do with you.  Are you strong enough for this?  I think that having s*x with "just anyone" can do a lot of damage to your self.

 

Your partner can:-- never speak to you again after one night--- can you handle that rejection?

They can:-- spread rumors about what you did--- can you handle that?

 

You could get pregnant--- do you want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life?  Will you have nothing but heartache parenting with this person?

 

Too many people are controlled by emotions (fear of rejection, need for love and acceptance, desire for power)  All of those are also in the bedroom.

 

It makes a difference who you are paired with.  The Bible talks about being unequally yoked.  This is more than just about marriage to an unbeliever--- this is about being on equal footing with your relationships.

 

 

So -- I want my children to be sure they have the right person to be with (married or not) I want them to be sure they can trust them with their selves.

With their emotions, feelings, any children that might come along.

 

S*x inside marriage is supposed to be this way, but not if you married the wrong person. 

 

.

 

I want my children to be happy afterwards, glad that shared themselves with this person. I want them to have picked an honorable person, who likes them and wants to continue the relationship. I want it to have been loving and not rushed and pressured.

 

This is not about virginity, or marriage-- but about being true to yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[I.Dup.]

This is not about virginity, or marriage-- but about being true to yourself.

 

Yes. Everything in your post was so true. So true.

[6packofun]

I "think" we'll be in the "If you think you need to do it, protect yourself" camp.

 

That seems like an interesting way to word it.  No one actually *needs* to have sex, particularly as a child, so why would I set them up for seeing it as such?  I can't imagine a hormonal teenager thinking anything BUT, "Oh yeah, I NEED it." after it being explained that way.  LOL!

 

We've talked about sex and relationships with our kids all throughout their lives and the reasons why we think, and our faith says, that it's not a good choice to have sex outside of marriage.  Teens aren't stupid and if they choose to willingly go down that route, we don't need to have had a condom on a banana demo at home for them to figure out how to protect themselves.  They have free will and brains, after all, but also a sin nature as we all do.

 

If they're too embarrassed to go to the drugstore or need mommy and daddy to provide birth control, then they're not mature enough to be having sex anyhow, regardless of the religious arguments.  We pray that our beliefs about the sacred purpose and meaning of sex will encourage them to keep themselves safe, both physically and mentally, from the burdens that can come from premarital sex. 

 

If you don't think there are any burdens or negative consequences, though, then that's your call, your standards.

 

[Joanne]

Many of us DO believe having sex with anyone "because it's fun" IS shameful. It can cause degradation, humiliation, diseases (1 in 2 or 3 people now has an STD?), emotional problems, and on and on. Since when did it become acceptable for people to go around having sex "because it's fun?" Are we animals?

 

 

Actually, yes.

 

I don't agree that  degradation, humiliation, and emotional problems result from *mutual* and *consentual* informed, mature choices regarding sexual activity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is what brought me back to this thread, and your comment, one that has received a lot of support and appreciation. Slut shaming is, sadly, a rather common thing in our society. 

 

The idea that sex before or outside of marriage is shameful is pervasive, and I think it begins with the idea that virginity is one's "most prized possession." I guess I don't have a question, but am throwing this thought out because it seems to me that the ideal you're promoting is the beginning of this shame, not the protection against it. I'd like to hear some opinions that explain this in an alternative way because I'm stuck here.  

 

I think that the elevation of virginity is a twisted symptom of patriarchy.  I believe IT is harmful to humans, especially women. The emphasis on *virginity* and Mary was yet another component of my deconversion.

 

My "most prized possession" was never the state of my hymen or my intercourse status. I wish I had been told by family and societiy that my "most prized possession" was my heart, my intention, my attitude, my power of choice, my intellect, my humor. Anything but a narrow, scripted part of sexuality. I'm much, more more than that - and so is sexuality.

[albeto.]

I don't actually think that your virginity is your most prized possession.   I do think that *you* are your most prized possession.  I believe that you are vulnerable during s*x.  You are naked-- physically emotionally and spiritually--.  I truly do believe you give a part of yourself away when you have s*x.

I want my children to understand that this is more than a physical release.

 

So you need to be with someone you trust to take care of you.--all of you.

If virginity is not the most prized possession, is it a prized possession? Does it have value in and of itself?

 

 

You can be injured physically by a more powerful person.  You can be belittled by someone who is callus with your feelings.  Too many times young people act without thinking of the consequences.  I think there are soooo many more consequences to s*x that have nothing to do with babies.  It has to do with you.  Are you strong enough for this?  I think that having s*x with "just anyone" can do a lot of damage to your self.

 

Your partner can:-- never speak to you again after one night--- can you handle that rejection?

They can:-- spread rumors about what you did--- can you handle that?

 

You could get pregnant--- do you want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life?  Will you have nothing but heartache parenting with this person?

 

Too many people are controlled by emotions (fear of rejection, need for love and acceptance, desire for power)  All of those are also in the bedroom.

In you opinion, can these skills (choosing good friends and partners, self-esteem issues, etc) be taught such that they are strong enough to help someone respond to having sex with someone they care about outside the parameters of marriage? I ask because I read your reasons and they appear to me to suggest finding a good husband will protect them from these unpleasant circumstances. It makes me wonder, what happens when they know women in marriage who are not protected from this? When marriage is no longer understood to be the safety net for one's esteem and respect. It also makes me think that this still paves the way for "slut-shaming" in that marriage/virginity is the outward "sign" of being a "good person," and sex outside the parameters of marriage (either in a monogamous or casual relationship) is the sign of a "bad person."

 

It makes a difference who you are paired with.  The Bible talks about being unequally yoked.  This is more than just about marriage to an unbeliever--- this is about being on equal footing with your relationships.

 It may come as a shock to learn that unbelievers can and do find equal footing in their relationships, even without the benefit of marriage. ;)

 

 

This is not about virginity, or marriage-- but about being true to yourself.

This sentiment is often expressed during "slut-shaming," which is why I wondered how yours differed. Again, I don't suggest that's what you're doing, but this argument paves the road for future shame, directed from the outside or in, even if your girls never pick up on that.

[albeto.]

Albeto, I wonder just how true this is.  In my experience growing up in a public school, I was shamed for just the opposite.  I was constantly ridiculed because I was a still a virgin...in 9th grade!  My son, at age 17, is considered an anomaly at his workplace and college because he is still a virgin (as are my older boys).  He is constantly reminded of it.  I simply don't see that "slut shaming" is pervasive in our society - perhaps in some circles, but not in general.

An ideal doesn't have to be experienced in 100% of the population for it to be pervasive in society. Slut-shaming is pervasive enough that schools organize assemblies around it, churches reinforce it (with lessons like teaching kids that getting married to someone who had sex is like chewing someone else's old piece of gum), whole schools are run by religious organizations that embrace it (the state of Louisiana helps to fund it with taxes!). It's pervasive in that it's wide spread, it's found in many, many places in our society.

[albeto.]

Many of us DO believe having sex with anyone "because it's fun" IS shameful. It can cause degradation, humiliation, diseases (1 in 2 or 3 people now has an STD?), emotional problems, and on and on. Since when did it become acceptable for people to go around having sex "because it's fun?"

Sex for fun has always been practiced throughout human history. In our culture it was simply hidden. In modern day, I think the roots of acceptability came when antibiotics first appeared. When we learned how to treat STDs as well as prevent them, it was no longer a valid reason to portray sex as potentially dangerous. Today, after generations of people embracing sex-for-fun without shame in our society, many people have learned how to separate emotional problems from the act of sex. These barriers no longer have to exist.

 

Are we animals?

Biologically speaking, yes. Yes we are. But we're highly intelligent, rational animals with amazing executive functions and the ability to recognize patterns, and make accurate predictions. This includes the patterns of human behavior. In other words, we're really, really clever animals. ;)

[jessicalb]

We did a health unit in junior high that covered everything I could think of, both in a straight up facts kind of way and in a this is what our family believes about ethics and good choices kind of way. Topics included: how your body changes, masturbation, sex mechanics, sex and how it affects relationships, consent, disease, babies, contraception, abortion, adoption, sex with different genders, different family structures, dating violence, drug use, alcohol use, self harm, medical care responsibilities for both partners once you start having sex, etc etc etc etc. Basically every hard thing I could think of about being a teenager that would be hard to talk about. We didn't usually make eye contact during these lessons but we got through them. The last thing I want for my child is for him to flounder, figuring this stuff out alone in the dark on a steady diet of sexism and violence in the media and in our culture at large. Probably the topic I think is most important, especially for young men, is consent.

 

For years he said he would wait for marriage. Currently he says he would like to have sex, but not yet, but definitely before marriage. I'm thrilled he is talking to me about it. I make sure he knows that whatever choices me makes along the way that he can come to me for help, and so can his partner or his friends if they are afraid to ask their parents. And I think it's time to stock his bathroom with condoms. Maybe I'll put them in his stocking in December!