lisabees Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thank you for your thoughts, everyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Go talk to an attorney. ASAP. Don't let your DH make rules. It just doesn't work out. Don't leave the house just yet. I don't care if he is paying or not. You can talk to an attorney without separating just yet. Find out all your options. If you divorce, someone has to get custody. I had an amicable divorce and shared custody and it still turned ugly later on when my ex got married to a very controlling woman. I wish I had listened to my attorney in the first place. Best advice: really, get an attorney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supertechmom Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 you need a lawyer yesterday. Don't take his crap of what he will or won't do based on what you will do.. Change the locks while he is in rehab and pack his crap and put it on the front porch. But the biggie is YOU NEED A LAWYER TODAY. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Haven't been there, but I know it will look bad if you leave and used against you as abandonment.. Stay and change the locks. Get an attorney immediately. You should be able to stay in the house with the kids and he will pay support. Get an attorney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Get a good attorney. Stay in the house if at all possible. If all you are doing is talking to a male friend you should be fine. Keep it at talking until the divorce is final. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 LAWYER UP. NOW. You need to understand the legal and fiancial ramifications of your actions. This is the case regardless of whether you ultimately choose divorce or separation. Under the circumstances, should you go the separation route, you still need legal/financial advice, especially given your ds's college expenses being in the mix.And frankly, I'd stop seeing the other man, however innocent the circumstances, until this is all worked out, so as not to confuse the issues or change the focus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 And frankly, I'd stop seeing the other man, however innocent the circumstances, until this is all worked out, so as not to confuse the issues or change the focus. I'm sorry you are going through this. Yes to lawyers. Yes to stopping the relationship with the other man. Not only might it add a layer of confusion or complexity, but your kids don't need that right now. I didn't have kids when I divorced, but both my siblings did, and the kids needed an enormous amount of help and attention to get through it all. Other relationships in the mix didn't help but only made it worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Get a lawyer now. Your state laws are going to make a big difference in whatever you do. For instance, *in my state,* you can't kick him out of the house or change the locks on a house he pays for; you can take the children and leave as long as there's no custody order saying you can't. Also, *in my state,* there's no such thing as a legal separation, so if you are seeing someone else before the moment a divorce paper is signed, you are committing adultery. Unless there is someone on here in your state who is a lawyer or has been in your situation, we can't counsel you on the specifics of what you should do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 back away from the other relationship for now. As others have said, your kids need you. And, I think you probably need to have some personal healing before entering into another relationship at this point. If he's a great guy he should be willing to wait. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Talk to a lawyer ASAP. If you don't think you can afford one, contact a local DV shelter or hotline for advice. You need to get moving on a divorce and especially on a custody agreement/property arrangement. The legalities of stuff with the house depend a great deal on local property and family law, so a local professional experienced with the issues will be a huge help to you. Stay put in the house. It is your home and your children's and he can't force you out regardless of who pays for it. Ask a DV counselor for advice. Pack up your husband's personal possessions and have them ready for him to take. Based on my mom's experience, if this includes any firearms, you can probably have the police hold them for him--a safer option for you as well. You stand a better chance of things happening on your terms if you get moving on the legal stuff first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Yup, get a lawyer and if you haven't yet, I'd at least attend one Al-anon meeting in your area. I would try NOT to change anything in the kids' lives right now, at least until you talk to a lawyer. I also about cooling it with the other man, at least for the time being. Addiction sucks. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 As others have already said, get an attorney NOW. And back off on your relationship with the other man. I know you say you're just "talking," and I do believe you, but you need to keep your head clear while you deal with the separation and/or divorce from your dh. It is far too easy to see nothing but rainbows and unicorns in this new guy, because he appears to be helping you through a tough time, and because -- let's face it -- things haven't been going well with your dh. I know this is going to sound harsh, and perhaps others will disagree, but now is the time for you to be with your children and to help them deal with this huge change in their lives, not to be spending time with another man. The other man should not even be involved in your life right now -- and I find it incredibly troubling that you consider him to be the "catalyst" for your separation from your dh. I would have felt a lot sorrier for you if you hadn't mentioned the other man, because at this point, I'm not sure about your motivations and I am very concerned that your children may end up getting the short end of the stick on an emotional level -- and they may come to seriously resent the new man if they believe he is the reason you're leaving their father. Additionally, if there is any financial gain to be had through this divorce, like high support payments, nice cars, or a house, please be extra-cautious about the new man's motivations. Many people think that only women are golddiggers, but that is not necessarily the case. I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic. I'm not. I do believe that divorce may be your only option if your dh is as bad as you believe him to be. I'm just suggesting that you go through the process with a clear head, not with the prospect of someone else waiting in the wings. If the new man really cares about you, he will step back and let you and your children work through the separation and divorce together. If anyone should be the "catalyst" for this separation, it should be the welfare of yourself and your children, not some new guy, and that's not the impression I got from your OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 If anyone should be the "catalyst" for this separation, it should be the welfare of yourself and your children, not some new guy, and that's not the impression I got from your OP. Yes, I'm concerned about this too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Well, after years of suffering through my husband's alcoholism, I finally left! No more blaming myself. No more enabling him. No more decisions based on fear. From here on out, I will try to make decisions out of strength. And to disclose all, I started "talking" to another man recently. Dh found out and is completely focused on that issue. I was wondering if any of you have advice? Especially on the logistics. He is currently in rehab for ten days (doesn't change my decision; he is just hoping it will), so I am back in the house with the kids. He says that because I am with another man (I am NOT leaving for this man, but he was the catalyst) I cannot live in the house for which he pays. He says there is no money for either of us to live in an apartment. The only choice I have is to move in with my mom. I would take the kids, but the older ones would likely want to stay at the house. How do I approach this? I am sure this is very typical. I don't want to seem like I am abandoning my kids by leaving the house. Do I just accept what he says? A couple of friends tell me not to give up the house under any circumstances. Also, separation vs. divorce? Dh says separation is financially the best way to go. And he says that if I choose to separate (with the goal of getting back together) he will continue to pay for older son's college. If I divorce, no more Oberlin. Really - I'll take any advice at all. I am firm in my decision; a heavy, heavy weight has been lifted. I look forward to being alive again. I just wanted to add that I don't find it at all unusual that your dh is focusing on the other man. It seems perfectly logical to me. Maybe the fact is that the new man has helped you realize your own self-worth or that he has shown you what it's like to be with someone who isn't an alcoholic, or made you realize that your marriage hasn't been normal or acceptable, but your dh isn't looking at it that way. He sees his wife having an affair with another man. (He's probably imagining a physical affair, but emotional affairs are real, too.) Honestly, I don't blame him for being hurt, confused, and upset. I'm not saying he's not a complete jerk who doesn't deserve you as his wife -- I'm just saying that I'm not a big believer in shopping for a replacement while you're still married to someone else. Maybe this new guy will never be anything more than a friend, but I do think your dh has a good reason for fixating on the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I would consider editing your post, first of all. Second, I would reconsider getting advice on something so fact- and state-specific from a bunch of half-informed strangers with no legal experience in your state. Half of what everyone has told you is wrong, which is obvious because half of the responders disagree with the other half. But take steps to get custody of some liquid assets if you are not employed. It is irrelevant that it might look like you are taking "his" money. It is not his money; it is a marital asset. You do not have to take off with it, but get it where you can use it to support yourself and your kids and he can't. He has a job; he'll make more in two weeks. If you are not employed, you are going to need longer than that and will have bills to pay before a court can make him pay temporary support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Agreeing with everyone else. 1. Get a lawyer today. 2. Don't make any changes (moving out, etc.) until you've discussed them with your lawyer. 3. Decide to stop/not start any relationships with romantic potential until you are legally in a position to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I totally agree with the "get a lawyer a.s.a.p." comments. You need to talk to someone before your husband gets out if rehab. The lawyer can tell you your rights and how community property works in your state, and if you can lock him out of "his" house. Second, protect your access to your money. Open a bank account that he does not have access to and put some money in it. Do you have any credit cards just in your name? Go get a cell phone that he will not have control over. FYI, I do know a woman who had college support for her kid put in the divorce decree, so the ex is legally responsible for his half. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 You better wipe this thread before your husband's lawyer finds it. Ditto on your fb, twitter, Instagram, whatever. I am sorry for the troubles in your marriage. I agree with elegantlion, addiction is the pits. But if you don't pursue this wisely, you and your children could go from bad to worse. Be careful and smart! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadieMarie Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Another vote for lawyer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 As others have already said, get an attorney NOW. And back off on your relationship with the other man. I know you say you're just "talking," and I do believe you, but you need to keep your head clear while you deal with the separation and/or divorce from your dh. It is far too easy to see nothing but rainbows and unicorns in this new guy, because he appears to be helping you through a tough time, and because -- let's face it -- things haven't been going well with your dh. I know this is going to sound harsh, and perhaps others will disagree, but now is the time for you to be with your children and to help them deal with this huge change in their lives, not to be spending time with another man. The other man should not even be involved in your life right now -- and I find it incredibly troubling that you consider him to be the "catalyst" for your separation from your dh. I would have felt a lot sorrier for you if you hadn't mentioned the other man, because at this point, I'm not sure about your motivations and I am very concerned that your children may end up getting the short end of the stick on an emotional level -- and they may come to seriously resent the new man if they believe he is the reason you're leaving their father. Additionally, if there is any financial gain to be had through this divorce, like high support payments, nice cars, or a house, please be extra-cautious about the new man's motivations. Many people think that only women are golddiggers, but that is not necessarily the case. I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic. I'm not. I do believe that divorce may be your only option if your dh is as bad as you believe him to be. I'm just suggesting that you go through the process with a clear head, not with the prospect of someone else waiting in the wings. If the new man really cares about you, he will step back and let you and your children work through the separation and divorce together. If anyone should be the "catalyst" for this separation, it should be the welfare of yourself and your children, not some new guy, and that's not the impression I got from your OP. I agree with every word in this. Please careful attention to the fact that every single person is saying the EXACT same thing. Stop all talking with other man. If you don't you will not be able to keep it at talking. See an attorney immediately. Don't leave the house. Focus on your children, NOT the other man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Well I get the catalyst thing. When you live with someone with an addiction it's a daily struggle/balance to decide when enough is enough. Sometimes you're so wrapped up in walking on eggshells that it takes an outside catalyst (an event or person) to really see how much you've been dealing with. Lisa, I agree that I would edit or remove this post. You can PM me if you'd like, not sure if I have more than a listening ear. But you know, even if this man has helped open your eyes to the trauma you've been living in, you CAN do this on your own. Don't believe that you need someone else to make you strong enough to make a decision. Talk to a lawyer, get good counsel, don't make decisions in the heat of emotion. Now is the time to protect yourself and your kids. Take the steps you need to get yourself in a position of strength. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I would consider editing your post, first of all. Second, I would reconsider getting advice on something so fact- and state-specific from a bunch of half-informed strangers with no legal experience in your state. Half of what everyone has told you is wrong, which is obvious because half of the responders disagree with the other half. I agree she should edit her post or get the thread deleted. But I don't think people have told her a bunch of wrong info....mostly just get a lawyer, stop seeing the man, focus on your children. OP, you say your dh is focused only on you talking to another man.....wouldn't you feel the same if he was talking to another woman? Your involvement with another man negates the alcohol problem in many people's minds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 My advice is to delete your OP and get advice from a lawyer and/or other professional counselor in your area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 I agree she should edit her post or get the thread deleted. But I don't think people have told her a bunch of wrong info....mostly just get a lawyer, stop seeing the man, focus on your children. OP, you say your dh is focused only on you talking to another man.....wouldn't you feel the same if he was talking to another woman? Your involvement with another man negates the alcohol problem in many people's minds. There are at least 3 positions on the house, and the advice re. the friend may or may not be accurate. In most states behavior towards each other is irrelevant to the division of marital property or child custody. Also, if the thread stays up, people will start chiming in that "it does not look good" to make a cash grab. They always do when, in reality, it probably does not make a difference. There will be a lot of people urging her to take the high road when that is quite possibly not the best advice. This forum is great for ideas but not so hot when it comes to legal advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 There are at least 3 positions on the house, and the advice re. the friend may or may not be accurate. In most states behavior towards each other is irrelevant to the division of marital property or child custody. Also, if the thread stays up, people will start chiming in that "it does not look good" to make a cash grab. They always do when, in reality, it probably does not make a difference. There will be a lot of people urging her to take the high road when that is quite possibly not the best advice. This forum is great for ideas but not so hot when it comes to legal advice. Funny I took away that she needs to stop talking to another man because she is muddying the waters and she isn't focused on her children. At any rate the overwhelming advice she got was SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW because laws are different state by state. I do agree that she can take/ use marital assets to support herself and the children....it is only the hiding or squandering of assets that the courts care about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisabees Posted July 20, 2013 Author Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thank you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 Thank you all. I don't have time to write much - heading out with the kids for lunch. I now understand the importance of making a phone call on Monday morning to get legal advice. That is loud and clear. :) My original post must not have been clear. Of course I do not blame my husband for being hurt with me! Not at all. I just felt like I should have mentioned it. I live in PA... You are doing the right thing by seeking legal counsel -- you need to know your rights, as well as all of the steps you need to take to protect yourself and your children. One thing, though -- don't tip your hand to your dh about getting an attorney. I know it may sound silly to mention that, but the less your dh knows about what you're doing in terms of separation and/or divorce, the better it is for you. Hey, he may have already spoken with an attorney and not told you about it, but if he hasn't and he still thinks you will end up together, use that to your advantage and get a head start on him from a legal perspective. Above all, don't let your dh tell you what he will or won't do in the event of a separation or divorce, or where you will have to live, or anything else. That's what your attorney is for. Ultimately, your dh can say whatever he wants, but just because he wants things to be his way or the highway, that is simply not the case. Stay in your house with your children and see a good attorney who specializes in divorce cases on Monday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted July 20, 2013 Share Posted July 20, 2013 There is no reason to wait until Monday. DV shelters are prepared for this 24 hours a day. If you call, they will give you appropriate steps to take, and referrals for legal advice. Their business is not a Monday to Friday, 8 to 5 sort of thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 Obviously an attorney. Please, please, please get specific support and help to recover from the trauma/effects of having been married to an alcoholic. The *reality* is that those closest to an addict develop their own set of behaviors and thinking patterns that need intervention and treatment. If they are not treated, you will forever lack the ability to reach YOUR best. Your kids need help and support also. Spouses leaving an addict are at particular risk for a new relationship. (So is the addict). The reasons for this are complex, but no one at that stage chooses well. They often believe differently, but it is never a good choice. It would be of benefit for you to get information about the disease of alcoholism and recovery - if for no other reason because you'll need to know to parent your kids in whatever the aftermath of this looks like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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