I can have babies...I just can't parent them.

[Sue G in PA]

I've posted so many pleas for parenting help here it isn't funny. Things were going well for a while and now...back to zero. My ds10 is so angry all.the.time. If he doesn't get his way, something doesn't go quite the way he planned, etc. He complains of not getting enough sleep, but goes to bed at 9pm at the latest. He wakes up grumpy, gets into fight after fight w/ his siblings, ending in said siblings running to me crying b/c ds10 hit them or punched them or tripped them, etc. You get the picture. I don't tolerate the violence and so after a conversation about what's bothering him, I send him to his room to "cool off". That hardly works...he just gets more irate. :confused:

 

Then there is ds5...the other "angry man". I've had it with him. It is so hard to be around him. He is always pessimistic, always angry, always a foul look on his face. Yelling at siblings, hitting siblings (gee...wonder where he gets THAT from!), name calling, the works. I have tried spending extra time w/ him, playing games, reading, etc. to see if he just needed more "mom time". Nothing. Still the same old rotten kid. I am simply ready to throw in the towel. This is my job! And I.can't.do.it. I'm not sure I'm asking for advice (though I surely won't turn it away) or just venting. We've tried to start school twice now and both times it blew up in my face. Bad attitudes, whining, complaining, etc. I've read so many posts recently w/ tips about this sort of thing and have been gleaming a lot, but nothing seems to work. Taking away privileges seems to make them more angry. Giving more chores, well you can see where this is going. Angry, angry, angry!

 

And then, guess what? MOM gets ANGRY! Our whole day is just thrown off and most of the time it happens before 10am! :confused: I don't know what to do. Do my children need counseling? Do we ALL need counseling? Thanks for letting me vent for the 100th time.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:

 

I've posted so many pleas for parenting help here it isn't funny. Things were going well for a while and now...back to zero. My ds10 is so angry all.the.time. If he doesn't get his way, something doesn't go quite the way he planned, etc. He complains of not getting enough sleep, but goes to bed at 9pm at the latest. He wakes up grumpy, gets into fight after fight w/ his siblings, ending in said siblings running to me crying b/c ds10 hit them or punched them or tripped them, etc. You get the picture. I don't tolerate the violence and so after a conversation about what's bothering him, I send him to his room to "cool off". That hardly works...he just gets more irate. :confused:

 

Then there is ds5...the other "angry man". I've had it with him. It is so hard to be around him. He is always pessimistic, always angry, always a foul look on his face. Yelling at siblings, hitting siblings (gee...wonder where he gets THAT from!), name calling, the works. I have tried spending extra time w/ him, playing games, reading, etc. to see if he just needed more "mom time". Nothing. Still the same old rotten kid. I am simply ready to throw in the towel. This is my job! And I.can't.do.it. I'm not sure I'm asking for advice (though I surely won't turn it away) or just venting. We've tried to start school twice now and both times it blew up in my face. Bad attitudes, whining, complaining, etc. I've read so many posts recently w/ tips about this sort of thing and have been gleaming a lot, but nothing seems to work. Taking away privileges seems to make them more angry. Giving more chores, well you can see where this is going. Angry, angry, angry!

 

And then, guess what? MOM gets ANGRY! Our whole day is just thrown off and most of the time it happens before 10am! :confused: I don't know what to do. Do my children need counseling? Do we ALL need counseling? Thanks for letting me vent for the 100th time.

[WTMindy]

No advice, Sue, just big hugs!!! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Danestress]

My Dad used to say that with three daughters, there was always someone crying. I can only imagine with seven kids! Some one is always going to be angry.

 

Can you create a schedule that manages to let the kids most likely to get into tussles bypass each other for much of the day? I know that takes time though, which is what you don't have! But I am imaging something like giving "angry 10 year old" a read-alone assignment in his room while you work with whatever other children normally share that room with him, and then work with him when the others have their "alone time" or are doing a chore or something. Try to limit how much time the most inflamatory kids have together when you can't be there.

 

I do think that older children sometimes set the tone for the rest of the family, so I would try to address your older son's needs with love and kindness and as little anger and punishment as possible. I have two boys this age, and they are lovely, darling, easy boys, but I will say that they seem quite sensitive at this age, and if I act at all angry, they tend to take it very personally and get angry back. Even if I am just frustrated or angry at the situation and not at them, I sometimes have to give them a lot of reassurance about that. Boys this age don't like Mom to be upset with them.

[Jami]

Sue, I really don't have any great advice to offer. I can imagine that you're feeling pretty worn out though! My three can do me in when we're all "off" at the same time and you have 7 little personalities.

 

I think using a schedule and letting it be the bad guy is a good tool as Dana suggested. Then I can commiserate somewhat, "I know guys, I'd rather play or do something else too, but the schedule says it's time for us to do math." It seems to help when they feel like I'm not torturing them for my own pleasure, that I have things *I* don't like to do, but a happy home requires us all to do our parts.

 

Here's one of my favorite posts from MFS. I find her words to be very true for our home. When things are breaking bad (and they do!) more often than not I've been reading a favorite book and shutting them out or online WAYYY too much and they need more direction and structure from me. Or I've let our environment get too cluttered and messy for all our tastes. But if I work hard at it and set the tone daily...things improve with consistency.

 

http://mentalmultivitamin.blogspot.com/2006/03/it-all-begins-with-me.html

 

:grouphug:

[~Tara~]

Maybe the 10 yr old needs some more physical activity.

I've noticed the same kind of stuff cropping up in my 11 yr old. I give him something physical/constructive to do..that helps. Maybe not immediately, but..as I have mentioned in a blog post after my husband enlightened me..it's like fiber. The effects aren't always immediate. (LOL sorry, guess you had to be there..annnnnnnywho...)

 

Get to the heart of the issue. Dig around and talk to him, find out *why* he's acting this way. It's likely it's just hormonal 10 yr old boy stuff, but still. He has to see that too and learn that he still has to get a grip.

 

Then kick his rear outside to run laps or SOMEthing :D

 

Really, that has helped the most around here. Not just going outside and being outside..but DOING something. Exerting some energy. They *need* that physical activity.

 

(oh, that works with 5 yr olds too...and 9 ...and 7 :p)

[Kelli in TN]

Sue,

When my kids were younger and all at home our life was total chaos. Picture a family where there was always screaming, always crying, always hurt feelings.

 

I bought into every parenting fad that came around. I was sure it was spiritual. I was sure we just needed more discipline and by discipline I mean punishment.

 

What we needed was the right kind of outside help. Parenting classes, family counseling in a non-threatening environment. Instead we put the child we had chosen as our scapegoat into counseling and we played the part of the competent, flawless parents.

 

We needed truth. If I could do it all again we would not accept a life of such sadness and damaging behavior. If I could do it again I would admit that we needed parenting help. We would have seen a family counselor to help with the sibling relationship issues that we could not seem to handle.

 

Some parents get the parenting thing right off. Maybe they were parented well, maybe they are more intuitive. But I was not in that group and neither was my husband. I wish we had not been too proud to get some help.

 

I don't know what your family needs to do, but if you need outside help please don't be ashamed or feel like that makes you a failure as a mom. Choose carefully and you could set yourself up for great success.

[Jami]

Maybe the 10 yr old needs some more physical activity.

I've noticed the same kind of stuff cropping up in my 11 yr old. I give him something physical/constructive to do..that helps. Maybe not immediately, but..as I have mentioned in a blog post after my husband enlightened me..it's like fiber. The effects aren't always immediate. (LOL sorry, guess you had to be there..annnnnnnywho...)

 

Get to the heart of the issue. Dig around and talk to him, find out *why* he's acting this way. It's likely it's just hormonal 10 yr old boy stuff, but still. He has to see that too and learn that he still has to get a grip.

 

Then kick his rear outside to run laps or SOMEthing :D

 

Really, that has helped the most around here. Not just going outside and being outside..but DOING something. Exerting some energy. They *need* that physical activity.

 

(oh, that works with 5 yr olds too...and 9 ...and 7 :p)

 

VERY good advice, Tara. I have a CD around here somewhere on teaching boys and the speaker talks about how boys just react negatively to parenting via nagging or too much discussion (Jami raises her guilty hand) and that hard, physical labor and swift discipline works much better for them. I tend to talk my poor kids to death, to see if I can't convince them they'd rather act sweetly of their own accord. And they really just prefer knowing the boundaries and quick, restorative discipline when the boundaries are crossed. And preventative exercise goes a LONG ways here. I've never been so thankful for a coolER morning than I was today. Out they went right away!

[Storm Bay]

I'm all for the segregation suggestion someone brought up. Sometimes my kids get along for hours; other times it's WWIII. We're passionate people, not to mention that 2 are crawling through puberty, & I'm crawling through the other end.

 

A book I've just started I've heard about here is called The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. Not sure if it will help, but it won't hurt. I also like The Strong Willed Child by Dobson; I have an older edition given to me by a friend with dc older than mine.

 

It takes a lot to raise challenging children, and, to be frank, some kids are more challenging to raise than others. I have learned to bite my tongue when I hear parents say that their teens don't argue with them because "They just don't put up with it." Some kids will argue anyway (having been a teen like that, and having a couple like that, I speak from experience.) Now I just let it roll, because all children can be challenging at times and some parents have never had to raise challenging children so they honestly haven't been there. I remember how critical I was before having children, and even when my eldest was a toddler and I got so much praise for how well I was raising her;). She's challenged my beyond my wildest dreams, yet when I read a book my sister recommended I learned that she was only 3/4 of the way between moderately challenging and the most challenging (toward most challenging at the time.)

 

I also find that in addition to consistency, discipline, LOVE, etc. that redirection can also be a very helpful tool. Not that that has worked in every category yet, but the progress is slowly & steadily there. I never, never, never give in to my children when they order me about (which is why dh had a vanilla birthday cake;), but he didn't mind) but that doesn't mean they've completely stopped. My kids have eaten many meals separated (food but not the fellowship if they refuse to eat with acceptable manners or be social), an idea I'm very thankful to Dobson for. But they don't have to do that nearly as often any more, thankfully. I also learned to order books from my library online because when they were little they rarely lasted long in the library--they're quite good now, but it's been a long time coming and there are still moments with my younger two who do like to be silly and horse around (we leave ASAP then.)

 

I don't post much about what my dc do anymore, because I'm seeing improvement, but it hasn't been easy. In case readers think I'm exaggerating, I've had more than one parent point out that their children are not as challenging as mine, a rare thing, but I've also seen children more challenging than mine. Still, I think that sometimes the greatest rewards can come from the most difficult tasks

[mommaduck]

I'm with the others. DS10 sounds like puberty. My oldest went through this. I validated his feelings, told him it was understandable that he felt the way he did, but that he can either choose to keep control or lose control and he better choose the keeping control. He can go hit a tree, whatever...but hands off the sibs. Also agreeing with the "let the schedule be the bad guy" of the house. My kids actually appreciate a schedule (some days not, but they act better when there is one). Summer stinks sometimes. It is difficult when you have kids our age. It was easy when they were just wee ones that did as they were told and hugged mama. Now they are more individualistic, hormones are hitting some, they are all learning to cope and speak up, and we are just overwhelmed. You will pull through this and it will be worth it in the end, hon :) I have to remind myself as well :) Time for some rockin' music and mama singing through the house ;) (and I'm not meaning that as a joke...music DOES effect the state of mind...Dr Laura says so :D )

[teamturner]

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time! I don't consider myself to be a great parenting expert or anything. I just thought I'd throw out some ideas to get you thinking of a possible plan/s. The angry boys...do they spend enough time with their dad? Perhaps they are needing more of him. Perhaps your dh could take an individual child out for a special outing (my kids love McDonalds, I-Hop, etc.) just with dad.

 

Also, when we have to correct for meaness to a sibling, we make the mean child do one of the chores for the injured sibling to make amends. I've also incoporated doing write-offs for breaking our family rules or writing an apology note. Sometimes the write off is a relevant scripture or it's just a simple "I will not hit my sister" kind of thing. They write it 5 times after the first offense, 10 on the second and so on. When they ask why they have to do it, I tell them so that they will remember next time not to do it. My children tend to hit in retaliation of some kind of displeasure and I try to point out the turn the other cheek example of Christ and that it is not their job to dole out punishment as they are not the parent. I think it's natural instinct for kids to want to met out justice immediately but we have to teach them that it is not their place to do so.

We too will send the person to their room to cool off, but for the correction to really be effective, it needs to be said with a spirit of disappointment that they will be missed and we look forward when they will have the right spirit to come back to be with us again. Not with a tone that says, "I can't stand the sight of you and you are driving me crazy so go away!" (Hey, I've been guilty of that too!) And I try to remember to tell them to pray and ask God to ______(whatever the specific need at the time is). I sometimes will just go to my room with the child who is being mean or fighting and remind him that this is sin and we are all tempted to sin in this way but we have to pray everyday that God will help them be nice or overlook the annoying thing his sister is doing, etc. And to point out that day by day, through the grace of God we will be able to overcome that specific sin.

 

As for not wanting to do school, last year I started something that worked for me very well. For each day that they did their work diligently and w/o complaining they earned 10 minutes of computer time. We school 4 days a week so they could earn up to 40 minutes of computer time to be used on Friday afternoon after co-op. I think rewarding for good behavior works much better than taking away privaleges which is punitive...although we do ground dc from things when it is appropriate. We have a Wii and they cannot play it until all school, house chores, and reading time especially have been completed. Sometimes I've challenged my dc to read for the same length of time they wish to play the Wii. This is mostly for my readaphobic ds.

 

I've often considered getting the book "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" that was written by 3 hs teenagers. I still may get it since we do have issues with this too. I would like to read it aloud to my kids during read aloud time or while they were eating, etc.

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Brothers-Sisters-Best-Friends/dp/0971940509/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1218045051&sr=8-1

 

I hope some of these suggestions help you a little. Sorry it was so long!

Blessings,

[Jugglin'5]

I'm going to give some unasked for advice, which you can choose to ignore. :DThere is definitely an increased need for physical labor around that age. I have a 10yr old boy myself. They need to work off some of that aggression.

 

I know it is tough, but I would encourage you to not get in a rut of habitually reacting negatively to him. Put him to work and give him extra hugs whether he wants to hug you or not.

 

I know a family that has a difficult to raise son. His mom learned to almost instinctively yell his name whenever anything happened. The rest of the kids caught on, and now it is a very difficult habit for all of them to break and he feels like the black sheep in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way, and they think of him that way whether they intend to or not. Sometimes I think homeschooling can exacerbate this type of situation, so it has to be dealt with very deliberately. Don't let this happen to you or your son (or sons). Even if they are the primary troublemakers right now, don't let that become their family identity, IYKWIM.

[Sue G in PA]

Yikes! I never thought that this could all just be HORMONAL! AAAGGHHHH! I'm dealing w/ dd11's hormones and now this? I didn't think this would start until, well..I guess I've been in denial. :001_huh: Physical labor is a great idea. Running laps around the house, shooting hoops, doing jumping jacks, etc. Ds10 and I went out the other day and had a "chat" about his anger. So much of it stems from his inability to do the same stuff his sister does b/c she's older. Can't change THAT, so why be angry? She WILL drive before you, she IS able to sit in the front seat of the car now, she WILL be able to babysit before you, etc. Just b/c she's older.

 

I have the book Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends and why I haven't read it WITH them..I don't know. Perhaps I feel so beaten down that I think nothing will work. I think the schedule will work, too. I just have to figure one out. I also like the idea of the offender doing the offended's chores for the day. I'll have to make an announcement of that ahead of time, though!

 

Thanks for all the suggestions!

[lighthouseacademy]

I don't have a child that old... you may remember my thread about the 6 yr old a week or so ago... Anyway, some pondering, lots of reading, and prayers and I came to a few conclusions. My son needed LESS time outs- they only made him feel more isolated and less loved and he was more likely to retaliate inappropriately. He needed to be taught HOW to respond appropriately, "E it is not ok to threaten to hurt me. I understand you are upset and that is ok. Please express that in a more respectful manner." E "I don't like what you are telling me and I am MAD!" Then I could sympathize with him and begin to cool things off. Lots of extra genuine one on one time (trying hard to truly want to be there and get interested in what HE wanted to do talk about which is really hard when the kid has been down right rotten for so long). He also needed extra hugs, kissed, knuckle heads (gentle to mess up his hair and make him smile), words of love, how much I am glad he is part of my life, etc to restore the love tank that through the punitive ways I was dealing with him had depleted. Life is not rosy right now yet, and he got better, then got extremely worse, but they are back on the upswing. Also, making sure he gets enough sleep is so important. I have given him some Kid-e-Trac (an herbal for emotional balancing for kids) to help him settle at night or when he is feeling out of control. I have also had to remain calm during his flare ups- hard work but worth it. I have also been changing the way I phrase consequences. Rather than if you do _______ I am going to _______ it becomes if you choose _________ you will also be choosing _________. Then when my son tells me to "stop doing that mean thing" I can calmly tell him that I am not doing anything. He has chosen ________ through his actions. The book Power of Positive Parenting is fabulous.

 

I have also been careful about nutrition. No processed foods, sugar, etc and extra raw fruits and veggies (especially greens). There are some kids who have rather violent and angry behaviors in reaction to artificial colors, corn byproducts, preservatives, dairy, or soy. Colors seem to be the most common followed by the others.

[Desert Rat]

Just chiming in with big hugs here. I'm reluctant to give advise because I don't have a 10 year old yet but I do agree with the ladies here that when my rather negative 8yo (and the 5yo for that matter) starts acting out there's usually a reason I can pinpoint. First line of attack here is to make sure he is fed and has had a good source of protein. If his attitude is still bad, he needs to run it off. We bought a trampoline a few months ago and this has been wonderful.

I'm also teaching him breathing techniques to help calm himself down. My mantra, "It's okay to have these feelings. It's not okay to act on them."

Hang in there. You're doing a great job, whether you feel that way right now or not. You're dedicated to your children and that's a great thing!

[Jugglin'5]

I just want to clarify something I said ....I'm not sure what other posters were thinking, but when I mentioned physical labor I was thinking along the lines of a chore that takes muscle power, not running laps, etc, though that is also good to have in your back pocket. Not as punishment, either, necessarily. If you could come up with a chore that takes some muscle, and makes him feel "manly", and something his sisters don't do, perhaps that would give the testosterone an outlet. Sometimes, my son gets bored and antsy, and he starts looking for trouble, and it is usually a younger sibling who catches his eye first (they are easier targets). I try to keep him busy enough that it doesn't happen to often.;)

[sdWTMer]

I'm so sorry Sue.

[Storm Bay]

Ds10 and I went out the other day and had a "chat" about his anger. So much of it stems from his inability to do the same stuff his sister does b/c she's older. Can't change THAT, so why be angry? Thanks for all the suggestions!

 

My sister's 2 boys are 2 years apart. Her younger ds had very, very serious anger issues when he was 3 & 4 because he couldn't do what his older brother could. It did get resolved, & he's been as tall as his elder brother for years & outweighs him, so there's not much he can't do that his elder brother can.

 

And, yes, hormones at 10 are very, very common.

[Sue G in PA]

I don't have a child that old... you may remember my thread about the 6 yr old a week or so ago... Anyway, some pondering, lots of reading, and prayers and I came to a few conclusions. My son needed LESS time outs- they only made him feel more isolated and less loved and he was more likely to retaliate inappropriately. He needed to be taught HOW to respond appropriately, "E it is not ok to threaten to hurt me. I understand you are upset and that is ok. Please express that in a more respectful manner." E "I don't like what you are telling me and I am MAD!" Then I could sympathize with him and begin to cool things off. Lots of extra genuine one on one time (trying hard to truly want to be there and get interested in what HE wanted to do talk about which is really hard when the kid has been down right rotten for so long). He also needed extra hugs, kissed, knuckle heads (gentle to mess up his hair and make him smile), words of love, how much I am glad he is part of my life, etc to restore the love tank that through the punitive ways I was dealing with him had depleted. Life is not rosy right now yet, and he got better, then got extremely worse, but they are back on the upswing. Also, making sure he gets enough sleep is so important. I have given him some Kid-e-Trac (an herbal for emotional balancing for kids) to help him settle at night or when he is feeling out of control. I have also had to remain calm during his flare ups- hard work but worth it. I have also been changing the way I phrase consequences. Rather than if you do _______ I am going to _______ it becomes if you choose _________ you will also be choosing _________. Then when my son tells me to "stop doing that mean thing" I can calmly tell him that I am not doing anything. He has chosen ________ through his actions. The book Power of Positive Parenting is fabulous.

 

I have also been careful about nutrition. No processed foods, sugar, etc and extra raw fruits and veggies (especially greens). There are some kids who have rather violent and angry behaviors in reaction to artificial colors, corn byproducts, preservatives, dairy, or soy. Colors seem to be the most common followed by the others.

 

I did read that post of yours and I totally sympathized! I don't think I posted in that thread b/c I was in the same boat! My ds5 has screamed the same things and worse. I like the "if you choose.....then you choose.....". Seems like a good idea. Foods. I must start serving more greens. Problem is? My kids don't eat them! They used to. When they were infants/toddlers. Then all of a sudden...they stopped. We kept serving them, they kept refusing them. We do limit sweets, processed food, anything w/ food dye. It is hard to do, though. Fresh food is more expensive than processed and we are on an extremely tight budget. I feel like I'm stuck. Well, I'm off to give my angry men more hugs. Do your boys act like statues when hugged? Mine get real rigid like they can't stand my touch or something. That's really hard...they used to be the best little cuddle bunnies. :glare:

[Brindee]

Some people have personalities that do NOT like touch. In that case, a wink, a quick pat on the back, or a 'Hey, I love you, you know!" would suffice for them, and they'd probably appreciate it more than a hug!

 

Have you read about the "Love Languages"? That opened my eyes as to how to better communicate with my family, and how some things they were doing were not bad, just the way they "speak".

 

Are you Christian? If so, these books are GREAT! Just scroll down to the "Parenting your ______ (Child, Teen, etc.) By the Spirit" section. We have some of these books and I've learned a lot from them!

 

http://www.empoweredlivingministries.org/OnlineStore.asp

 

 

Also, many times we think the child is acting so bad, but often times it starts with US! We need to be consistent and calm, and NOT react to wrongs the kids do. Have a family meeting, and let the kids help set rules for your family. Let the kids pick the consequences. Type it all up and give each kid a copy. Now they all know. If they do not follow the rules, they receive the consequence. No questions asked, no anger. They came up with the consequence, so they can't say you are mean!

 

Best wishes!

[mysticamethyst]

You have gotten great advice, there is nothing for me to add except :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[cjzimmer1]

I'm not sure I can offer much advice but my DS is also 10. He is a very serious kid, by the rules, black/white kind of kid. Honestly he's not a lot of fun to be around. He wants to be a little dictator and then blows his top when the younger siblings won't play or do something just the way "his rules" say they should (my rules are irrelevant most of the time). Of course this behavior has rubbed off on the younger ones and they think this is an acceptable way to deal with conflict.

 

I know many people are opposed to using food as a reward/punishment tool but it is the ONLY thing that has conistently worked with my kids. Morning chores have to be done by a certain time or no breakfast. Homework has to be done by lunch or no lunch. And Yes I have made each of my kids miss a few meals. But it did make a difference and I do get a bit better cooperation.

 

The one other thing that did give us some improvement with DS behavior was giving him MORE schoolwork. He is a very bright kid (and it took me a very long time to understand just how advanced he really is) and so when he got bored he would "create" things that invariably caused trouble for everyone. When I accelerated his grade level several years ahead, we had less of the troublesome behavior because I was keeping his mind better occupied on positive things rather than the things he just thought up.

 

I don't know if that will be any use to you but those where areas I had never really considered but when I tried them, they did bring some peace back into our home. We still have the daily "who's in charge" battle but it is so much better than a couple of years ago. I have hope that some day we will get past this.

 

Stephanie

[starlashine]

:grouphug: I don't have much in the way of advice, but know that I have felt this way many times with just one son. It is hard not to get angry, but the most change in his attitude has come since I stopped yelling. At all. I will talk in an extremely authoritative voice that toes the line, but I do not cross that line. Then I can calm the situation down by example. "I'm not yelling at you, why are you yelling at me? I can't talk to you if you continue to yell at me." It has worked for us. He whines a lot less now. The important thing is never to cross that line into the yell zone, however. Cross it one time and you're back to square one. HTH

[BonAmy]

when a few of my kids were diagnosed with food allergy problems, I put our whole family on a gluten free, caisen free, dairy free (among other things) diet.

The first thing I pulled them all off was milk.. and I found it EXTREMELY interesting that my children with no food allergies all of a sudden went from being constant complainers about homework, to almost no complaints at all. They were also less cranky in general. Their math homework in particular went from being the bane of their existence into something they were very good at!!!

just a thought. it was very easy to get rid of the milk and milk products. We just use rice milk and rice cheese.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I've posted so many pleas for parenting help here it isn't funny. Things were going well for a while and now...back to zero. My ds10 is so angry all.the.time. If he doesn't get his way, something doesn't go quite the way he planned, etc. He complains of not getting enough sleep, but goes to bed at 9pm at the latest. He wakes up grumpy, gets into fight after fight w/ his siblings, ending in said siblings running to me crying b/c ds10 hit them or punched them or tripped them, etc. You get the picture. I don't tolerate the violence and so after a conversation about what's bothering him, I send him to his room to "cool off". That hardly works...he just gets more irate. :confused:

 

Then there is ds5...the other "angry man". I've had it with him. It is so hard to be around him. He is always pessimistic, always angry, always a foul look on his face. Yelling at siblings, hitting siblings (gee...wonder where he gets THAT from!), name calling, the works. I have tried spending extra time w/ him, playing games, reading, etc. to see if he just needed more "mom time". Nothing. Still the same old rotten kid. I am simply ready to throw in the towel. This is my job! And I.can't.do.it. I'm not sure I'm asking for advice (though I surely won't turn it away) or just venting. We've tried to start school twice now and both times it blew up in my face. Bad attitudes, whining, complaining, etc. I've read so many posts recently w/ tips about this sort of thing and have been gleaming a lot, but nothing seems to work. Taking away privileges seems to make them more angry. Giving more chores, well you can see where this is going. Angry, angry, angry!

 

And then, guess what? MOM gets ANGRY! Our whole day is just thrown off and most of the time it happens before 10am! :confused: I don't know what to do. Do my children need counseling? Do we ALL need counseling? Thanks for letting me vent for the 100th time.

 

Does eldest son snore? Could he have apnea?

 

The hard work angle -- you could factor it in as the "eldest son" responsible for heavy, hard things. Not as opposed to the helpless female, but as "the possessor of superior muscles and as the killer of the bugs and varmits." Do you have a yard? Do you "need" a garden or play place dug out in the corner? Do you have a hammer and some nails in a contained space for the five year old? Do you have some really heavy rocks both can haul from one area to another to build a garden?

 

As to running laps, you might consider this PE for all the kids, but perhaps relays where they compete against their own best times? How far can they long jump today? Have them measure and report back on the list on the fridge. Sit with a stopwatch in hand and time the route that they run each day, watching for improvement and letting them track it. No praise -- just let the accomplishment of improvement speak for itself.

 

I also have to echo Kelli -- do what you need to do to reduce the stress in your house, whatever it takes. (And frankly, if that means urging your dh to get a job closer to home and bringing in more money -- well, put it this way, if it were me, I would be *urging*. With urgency. And with a crazed look in my eyes.

[Frelle]

Im right here with you.

 

I am really out of control right now. Sleep deprivation with a teething baby and an older child with sensory issues/early puberty is really kicking my butt.

 

Here is something I posted elsewhere today:

 

I am in such a bad place. I need to decide whether I should continue to try to model not yelling, keeping emotional control and stability, and not freaking out with what I am doing that is NOT WORKING AT ALL, or I need to get on some anti anxiety medication.

 

Rescue Remedy doesnt quite do it.. if I just needed it now and again, it works really well. But as an actual solution, it is not really helping me. I have done enough psychological profiles in my life to know that I tend toward the anxiety ridden/neurotic side of the spectrum as it is, and it is so tempting to see if I actually have some sort of imbalance that medication would help.

 

My biggest hold ups have been 1) getting on medication while breastfeeding, even though "they say" it is safe, I am also putting my baby on medication.... and 2) my husband really, in his heart, believes that if I was just better at devotional time and bible study, and spending time with God, that I wouldnt need medication. It is going against what he really thinks to okay my use of medication.

 

Out of the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks. Why is my heart such an awful, black, hideous place that I would scream things in my children's faces time and time again? Why do I react like a child when my children smart off to me?

 

If I can stop being a monster and model grace to them, maybe they will recover. But all 3 girls are just off the hook with the out of control emotions, pushing boundaries, and fit throwing when they dont get their way. It cant just be that they are all in a particular stage.. because its all 3 of them at once.

 

So many things, in particular finances, and occasionally sleep deprivation, are feeding my out of control behaviour and lack of ability to keep myself in check in regard to my kids. How can I train myself to be more gentle and less prone to freakouts?

 

"I have Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline", and it has been really helpful to me in the past, I need to revisit it, and maybe put some stuff in post it notes around the house. Is there any kind of study to go with that book, or an accountability that I can get in following the principles?

 

I am currently reading "Families Where Grace is in Place" but do not realistically know if it will help me.

 

Anybody got a stop yelling and start being more loving bootcamp resource?!

[Tree House Academy]

There is some reason your two boys are acting out. I have no idea what it is. My oldest son has an attitude, but homeschooling and getting that one on one attention from me has REALLY helped him tremendously just in the few short weeks we have been doing it. I have seen such a change in his behavior and I think MY attention is exactly what he needed.

 

It sounds like you are giving your two boys time and attention and they are still acting out. I would seriously consider counseling for those two to get to the root of the problem. I would also adjust school so that your others can learn without the negative conflict and influence of the two angry boys. I would either school the boys separately or find alternative methods for them if worse comes to worse. You can't sacrifice the education of your other kids to the disruptions of those two. :(

 

*hugs to you* and hopefully something will help. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. :)

[Aunty Social]

I haven't read all the posts, but you say your son says he's not getting enough sleep? His bedtime sounds reasonable...is something waking him at night? My kids get absolutely rotten if they don't get enough sleep or if their blood sugar gets too low. Early bedtimes and lots of snacks here!

 

Anyway, could he have sleep apnea, or be a really light sleeper and need a noise machine, or have low blood sugar? Or, for that matter, have allergies? Sometimes a very subtle problem can cause behavior issues. With my son, I know that if he starts being mean, calling names and hitting, its time for a shower, snack and bed. And if that doesn't work, a close look and maybe some sudafed...although he tends to get even crankier when medication of any kind wears off, so I try to avoid them if I can!:tongue_smilie:

 

Hope this helps! And lots of :grouphug:.

[SapphireStitch]

I can't give you advice myself; I only have 2 children and they are 12 years apart in age. My son is only 7, so we've not handled boy hormones yet, either. :)

 

But this summer at the NCHE convention I heard a speaker who has 6 boys, and one thing in particular she said *might* apply to your situation. She said she has learned to never punish her sons by sending them to their rooms or otherwise banishing them.

 

She said that it's a technique that usually works pretty well for girls, because girls are more inclined to want to be "in fellowship" with the rest of the family. Girls are often more inclined to use the time away to think seriously and feel remorseful about what they've done and work on changing behavior.

 

She went on to say that boys, in her experience, tend to be resentful of banishment tactics. And instead of feeling convicted of what they've done wrong and becoming repentant they will rather become resentful and angry. Her suggestion was to instead deal with the discipline issue immediately with some sort of discipline that allows for quick reconciliation. In some families (and probably with smaller kids than your 10yo) that would mean a quick spanking, followed by apologies and forgiveness and hugs. For those who don't spank it could mean some other immediate consequence...she mentioned making her bigger boys do push-ups. The expenditure of physical effort helps burn off the anger as well as some excess energy. (Hey, if it works for the military!?)

 

Anyway, just thought I'd pass on those thoughts. My prayers are with you, and I'll be watching to see what works for you...my time is coming too soon:tongue_smilie:

 

Beth

[Twinmom]

:grouphug:, honey. Hang in there. The fact that you are there and loving them regardless speaks volumes to them (and to me!).

 

As for the "angries"...we get a lot of them around here, too. When we get them, life gets amazingly simple, very fast, esp. for the boys. They run, period. Outside, around the house, up and down the stairs, laps at the Y, laps in the pool, whatever it takes to run the angries out of them. Once they are exhausted (but not so exhausted that they are whining for sleep ;)), it is much easier both to deal with them and to get to the bottom of what's going on. Usually, it's just a foul mood without much depth. Not to sound sexist or anything, but with my boys there just ain't too many deep thoughts going on! Usually, it's just testosterone that needs to be exercised out of them. Now, for my girl...totally different story. Hugs, cuddles, talks, etc. ensue until she feels better. Talk about deep thoughts...she's the queen of those! :svengo:

 

May I suggest that you try some of the same? I'll bet that if talking hasn't worked, exercise will. That, or what Pam suggests. More "manly" responsibility to feel puffed up about. They love that stuff. Does more for them than all the cuddles in the world, IMO! Kill a bug for you, help you carry something, reach something you can't, "save" you from something (like, the dog who is nipping at your heels, etc).

 

Best of luck...please don't get down on yourself. There's no magic formula to this stuff...we're all just muddling through.

[TracyR]

Hate to say it but it sounds like puberty. My 10yr old daughter is a sweet girl but lately she's been pushing it with being grumpy and grouchy.

One thing I noticed in your post was you said he feels he doesn't get enough sleep. It maybe time to see his pediatrician and bring this up as a concern. He may have sleep apnea and if he does that maybe why he is not feeling well rested. It could be from anything to simple as getting tonsils taken out to as complicated as a cpap machine to help him sleep.

I would definitley look into that and it may just help with some of the grumpiness.

 

I do finding sending my daughter outside helps a little or sending her to her room for a while so we can have some time away from each other. Also the hitting needs to stop. I would tell him that hitting is unacceptable.

I agree that maybe looking into counseling maybe in order. His body is changing and he maynot know how to deal with that and you may get some great tips on how to deal with his anger issues from a counselor as well.

 

As for the other child. Well I swear everyone has to have one negative child in the family. That is my 2nd daughter. Always a scowl on her face and is always negative. We are trying so hard and I wish she was more bubbly like her other three sisters. But its just Katie and we accept her for who she is. I encourage her to smile a little more and tell her things aren't as negative as she is making them out to be. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. All we can do is try as parents to do our best and what our children decide to do when they are older is up to them. Doesn't mean we won't love them any less but they are human beings with a concious and can make decisions too. The way they act is a choice and you need to let your 10yr old know that by acting in that way its his choice and his punishment for acting the way he did was his choice and nothing more.

 

I'm not a perfect parent by any means. We have up and down days like everyone else.

But one thing is for sure hitting is not allowed in our house ( even though it does happen ) and there is punishment and consequences for those types of actions and if they are upset about it well then its their fault because they made that choice to act that way.

 

Hope something there helps. Puberty is a tough time and children are starting it younger and younger these days and it starts I swear at the age of 7. Wether we want it to or not.

[Kathy in MD]

I haven't read all the other posts, but your 10 yr really may need more sleep. Right before a growth spurt and during puberty this is often the case.

 

Or your ds may also have problems sleeping. Though I think he's still a bit young, he may already have picked up a teen's sensitivity to light. Is his room pitch black at night? Does he avoid video games and TV before going to bed. He may also have a sleep disorder. Does he snore?

[PameliaSue]

Maybe the 10 yr old needs some more physical activity.

I've noticed the same kind of stuff cropping up in my 11 yr old. I give him something physical/constructive to do..that helps.

 

Then kick his rear outside to run laps or SOMEthing :D

 

Really, that has helped the most around here. Not just going outside and being outside..but DOING something. Exerting some energy. They *need* that physical activity.

 

(oh, that works with 5 yr olds too...and 9 ...and 7 :p)

 

VERY good advice, Tara. boys just react negatively to parenting via nagging or too much discussion (Jami raises her guilty hand) and that hard, physical labor and swift discipline works much better for them. I tend to talk my poor kids to death, to see if I can't convince them they'd rather act sweetly of their own accord. And they really just prefer knowing the boundaries and quick, restorative discipline when the boundaries are crossed. And preventative exercise goes a LONG ways here. I've never been so thankful for a coolER morning than I was today. Out they went right away!

 

There is definitely an increased need for physical labor around that age. I have a 10yr old boy myself. They need to work off some of that aggression.

 

:iagree:

I have a younger brother who terrorized everyone. It is just kind of his nature.. I dunno an Alpha dog type thing?? Anyway my mom made him haul firewood, stack firewood, move piles of rocks (we were building a rock wall), and run X# of laps around the outside of the house.

My BF has a 10 year old and her dh was in the Army for awhile so they assign push-ups. That works well. I have another friend that installed a punching bag outside under the 2nd story balcony and they send their son outside to take his frustrations out on the bag.

 

All of that to say I believe boys need an aggression outlet and some more than others, plus some seasons of life are more intense than others... Boys are just physical. I know my 8yo needs that physical activity or he is in way to much mischief.... And we deal with this alot because it RAINS 9 months a year here!!!

Yes, there are probably heart issues here to and I don't mean to play that possibility down but men just have this thing about them that women don't always get.... Did you ever notice in high school how 2 guys could get in a fist fight and beat the crud out of each other and then be friends the next day??? But not girls they are so catty and after a fight that's it they never talk again.

[Melinda in VT]

Im right here with you.

 

I am really out of control right now. Sleep deprivation with a teething baby and an older child with sensory issues/early puberty is really kicking my butt.

 

Here is something I posted elsewhere today:

 

I am in such a bad place. I need to decide whether I should continue to try to model not yelling, keeping emotional control and stability, and not freaking out with what I am doing that is NOT WORKING AT ALL, or I need to get on some anti anxiety medication.

 

Rescue Remedy doesnt quite do it.. if I just needed it now and again, it works really well. But as an actual solution, it is not really helping me. I have done enough psychological profiles in my life to know that I tend toward the anxiety ridden/neurotic side of the spectrum as it is, and it is so tempting to see if I actually have some sort of imbalance that medication would help.

 

My biggest hold ups have been 1) getting on medication while breastfeeding, even though "they say" it is safe, I am also putting my baby on medication.... and 2) my husband really, in his heart, believes that if I was just better at devotional time and bible study, and spending time with God, that I wouldnt need medication. It is going against what he really thinks to okay my use of medication.

 

Out of the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks. Why is my heart such an awful, black, hideous place that I would scream things in my children's faces time and time again? Why do I react like a child when my children smart off to me?

 

If I can stop being a monster and model grace to them, maybe they will recover. But all 3 girls are just off the hook with the out of control emotions, pushing boundaries, and fit throwing when they dont get their way. It cant just be that they are all in a particular stage.. because its all 3 of them at once.

 

So many things, in particular finances, and occasionally sleep deprivation, are feeding my out of control behaviour and lack of ability to keep myself in check in regard to my kids. How can I train myself to be more gentle and less prone to freakouts?

 

"I have Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline", and it has been really helpful to me in the past, I need to revisit it, and maybe put some stuff in post it notes around the house. Is there any kind of study to go with that book, or an accountability that I can get in following the principles?

 

I am currently reading "Families Where Grace is in Place" but do not realistically know if it will help me.

 

Anybody got a stop yelling and start being more loving bootcamp resource?!

 

I'm probably going to get negative rep for this, but I can't get your post out of my mind, so here goes:

 

If I were "scream[ing] things in my children's faces time and time again" despite my efforts to stop, I would see a doctor and see if there were medication that could help me. Regardless of what my husband thought about it.

 

And I would consider weaning my baby to be worth it in order to protect the emotional health of all of my kids.

 

:grouphug:

[Mom to Aly]

Well, I can't have them, but I can parent them, so I'll take 'em!!

[caitlinsmom]

I have noticed this is exactly what goes on between my 2 little ones (5 and 3) when they havent had enough protein. I know sounds dumb but there really is a difference. I always start them with something protein packed as soon as they get up in the morning, then snack is something packed also but with a fruit or veggie. This makes a big difference in our day here. I dont know if that will help with your 10yo but it might be worth a try.

Someone else mentioned exercise too.....that can make or break a kids day in a second. Make him get out and get busy.

No other advice here. <<<HUGS>>>

[Jami]

I'm probably going to get negative rep for this, but I can't get your post out of my mind, so here goes:

 

If I were "scream[ing] things in my children's faces time and time again" despite my efforts to stop, I would see a doctor and see if there were medication that could help me. Regardless of what my husband thought about it.

 

And I would consider weaning my baby to be worth it in order to protect the emotional health of all of my kids.

 

:grouphug:

 

Frelle,

 

I think Melinda's advice is really worth considering. I would also recommend some physiological changes to go with the spiritual/emotional work you're doing with the books you're reading. I find that my ability to be patient and gracious with my children is drastically affected if I'm eating a diet high in refined sugar and flours. Getting enough sleep is also critical for me, but I don't have a nursling right now, but I do know it can be hard with young ones. And then some daily exercise, hard exercise, not just a gentle stroll outdoors (though if that's what you can manage, that's what you do). It's not easy on top of all the other things we have going on in life, but eating well (frequent small meals of a high protein nature seem best for me), exercise, and then rest. Oh and good vitamins, especially the B-complex vitamins and essential fatty acids found in fish oil. If I'm doing those things, I find it is much easier to choose the kind, loving words my children need to hear.

 

Jami

[Sue G in PA]

Frelle,

 

I think Melinda's advice is really worth considering. I would also recommend some physiological changes to go with the spiritual/emotional work you're doing with the books you're reading. I find that my ability to be patient and gracious with my children is drastically affected if I'm eating a diet high in refined sugar and flours. Getting enough sleep is also critical for me, but I don't have a nursling right now, but I do know it can be hard with young ones. And then some daily exercise, hard exercise, not just a gentle stroll outdoors (though if that's what you can manage, that's what you do). It's not easy on top of all the other things we have going on in life, but eating well (frequent small meals of a high protein nature seem best for me), exercise, and then rest. Oh and good vitamins, especially the B-complex vitamins and essential fatty acids found in fish oil. If I'm doing those things, I find it is much easier to choose the kind, loving words my children need to hear.

 

Jami

 

I noticed my thread popped back to the front again and read your post, Frelle and want to offer my encouragement to you. I've been where you are...several years ago. We had just moved, were facing eviction from some nasty and vindictive landlords (they had no grounds to evict us), I was pregnant w/ #5 and going down hill....FAST. I was tired, depressed, in a spiritual slump and my marriage was falling apart. I was yelling at my kids...too much. I had some very good Christian friends who prayed me through this dark time and one who told it to me straight. GET thee to a dr. and get on meds to help you through this. It is NOT a "character" issue. This is CLINICAL. Depression is an illness just like diabetes and I don't think anybody would tell a diabetic to just study his/her Bible more and not take insulin. I agree to start taking a good vitamin supplement. B complex and fish oils have been found to really help w/ mood related issues. I'll be praying for you b/c I know just how painful it is to be in that dark place. Oh, and btw...I took antidepressants while pregnant AND while nursing with no ill effects to my baby. YMMV so please see a dr. and discuss your options. Perhaps you don't need meds, but don't be made to feel spiritually inferior if you do. It has nothing to do w/ God...trust me..btdt. I felt like if I just trusted God more, studied the Word more or prayed more then I would be fine. No deal. I'm not saying to stop reading the Word...hold on to Jesus now more than ever but don't feel bad for seeking help. Dh and I are about ready to seek real help in the parenting dept. My kids are out.of.control, as I posted.

[swellmomma]

I noticed my thread popped back to the front again and read your post, Frelle and want to offer my encouragement to you. I've been where you are...several years ago. We had just moved, were facing eviction from some nasty and vindictive landlords (they had no grounds to evict us), I was pregnant w/ #5 and going down hill....FAST. I was tired, depressed, in a spiritual slump and my marriage was falling apart. I was yelling at my kids...too much. I had some very good Christian friends who prayed me through this dark time and one who told it to me straight. GET thee to a dr. and get on meds to help you through this. It is NOT a "character" issue. This is CLINICAL. Depression is an illness just like diabetes and I don't think anybody would tell a diabetic to just study his/her Bible more and not take insulin. I agree to start taking a good vitamin supplement. B complex and fish oils have been found to really help w/ mood related issues. I'll be praying for you b/c I know just how painful it is to be in that dark place. Oh, and btw...I took antidepressants while pregnant AND while nursing with no ill effects to my baby. YMMV so please see a dr. and discuss your options. Perhaps you don't need meds, but don't be made to feel spiritually inferior if you do. It has nothing to do w/ God...trust me..btdt. I felt like if I just trusted God more, studied the Word more or prayed more then I would be fine. No deal. I'm not saying to stop reading the Word...hold on to Jesus now more than ever but don't feel bad for seeking help. Dh and I are about ready to seek real help in the parenting dept. My kids are out.of.control, as I posted.

 

 

ITA! I have been getting treated for severe PPD sinc e having my dd nearly 11 months ago. Even my kids notice the difference between me with depression and me on meds or better. When I start losing it over everything, yelling etc, my son quietly says, mom you have to ask the dr for your happy pills. My depression is made worse from the stress of dealing with my children's behavioural issues and simply praying about it is not enough to deal with it. I must take the meds, I am still nursing my dd and she has no effects of the meds. When I can control myself I can help teach the children self control.

 

One thing I have decided to do is sign my boys up for Taekwondo. My 10 yr old will train 3 days a week at the dojo. He is also joining navy league which will work with him physically and mentally. Navy league is like cadets but geared for 9-12 yr olds, so military based. My hope is that between those he will get the physical energy he needs to burn with a safe place to be agressive(taekwondo) with both teaching self control etc.

 

Between the behavioural issues the kids have from their "issues", to early onset puberty (which runs in my family) my 10yr old boy and 9 yr old girl are so moody and cranky it drives me batty. So far what I have started doing is if I do not see a smile and hear a cheerful "good morning" when they wake up I send them right back to bed until they can start the day in a better mood. This has cut down on alot of the fighting in the am. Typically one would wake up sour and be miserable to everyone until the entire house was starting the day in a foul mood. Sometimes they fall back to sleep, more often than not they just lay in bed until they are feeling more awake and cordial. Any sourness in the day I ignore. If someone is snarly at me I refuse to acknowledge them. My biggest challenge right now is the aggression and fighting among the kids so hopefully having a place to channel it with martial arts etc will help. DD is going to take horseback riding as opposed to martial arts. SHe has an obsession with horses and I am hoping by working with them she will strengthen her gentle side and learn that the horses can feel her angry feelings and won't like it, making her have to think about the feelings she is having and emitting.

 

Fingers crossed this works. I decided on all these plans for extra currics last night while praying for guidance on what to do as far as school/therapy/sanity go. I hope you can find a solution that will work for you soon too. When even 1 child is out of control it sends the family into a tail spin and they all start acting out and chaos reigns. Something none of us want.

[Storm Bay]

I have noticed this is exactly what goes on between my 2 little ones (5 and 3) when they havent had enough protein. I know sounds dumb but there really is a difference. I always start them with something protein packed as soon as they get up in the morning, then snack is something packed also but with a fruit or veggie. This makes a big difference in our day here. I dont know if that will help with your 10yo but it might be worth a try.

Someone else mentioned exercise too.....that can make or break a kids day in a second. Make him get out and get busy.

No other advice here. <<<HUGS>>>

 

Yes, protein is a biggie for my eldest. And my middle child has serious issues with behaviour if she hasn't eaten enough or goes too long between meals, and has always been like this. I remember when she was a year old and was having a temper tantrum every single day even though I handled it the same way that had worked so well for my eldest around the same age. A friend of mine asked me if she was having it at the same time. She was--half an hour before lunch. When I adjusted our mealtimes, they stopped.

[lovemyboys]

Sue, I really don't have any great advice to offer. I can imagine that you're feeling pretty worn out though! My three can do me in when we're all "off" at the same time and you have 7 little personalities.

 

I think using a schedule and letting it be the bad guy is a good tool as Dana suggested. Then I can commiserate somewhat, "I know guys, I'd rather play or do something else too, but the schedule says it's time for us to do math." It seems to help when they feel like I'm not torturing them for my own pleasure, that I have things *I* don't like to do, but a happy home requires us all to do our parts.

 

Here's one of my favorite posts from MFS. I find her words to be very true for our home. When things are breaking bad (and they do!) more often than not I've been reading a favorite book and shutting them out or online WAYYY too much and they need more direction and structure from me. Or I've let our environment get too cluttered and messy for all our tastes. But if I work hard at it and set the tone daily...things improve with consistency.

 

http://mentalmultivitamin.blogspot.com/2006/03/it-all-begins-with-me.html

 

:grouphug:

 

Those words really spoke to me, thank you, thank you.

 

eta: Forgot to add, hugs to you, Sue. Hopefully something here will hit you just right and you'll find the answer for your own dear family.

[The Governess]

I'm going to quote something from Dr. Sear's Discipline book that I read recently.

 

From a section titled "Disciplining the temperamentally difficult child":

 

"Nagging, yelling, and scolding intensify the oppositional behavior of the difficult child; abusive punishment, especially spanking, makes the child more difficult by making him angry. For example, if you demand that the temperamentally difficult child clean up his room, he perceives this as a challenge. The more you punish, the more he digs in and refuses to cooperate. You will eventually lose this game, so don't even start it. Once a temperamentally difficult child becomes chronically angry, you have a serious problem. Discipline must focus not only on preventing a lot of anger but also on helping your child learn mechanisms to relieve his negative feelings."

 

Recommendations he gives include staying positive, lots of physical activity, finding a sport or skill that your child can succeed at and channel energy into, and not using threats because they will start power struggle.

 

Perhaps at this point an anger management class or behavioral therapy would help? Even if you only went to a couple of sessions you may come away with some good ideas to implement at home.

 

One last thing: I've noticed that a lot of my dds bad behavior (pushing or hitting her sister, etc.) stems from her desire to control the situation. She likes to feel like she has things under control. I find that if she can satisfy this need for control in other ways (giving her a project or task that she enjoys and can have full control over) that she is nicer to her sister.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could offer some more specific advice. Sure, some of the bad behavior our children exhibit is due to our poor parenting. But some children are born with temperaments that would try even the most patient parent. And you are definitely not alone in this. I hope you find a good solution.

 

:grouphug: