Hypothetical question. . .

[4everHis]

If you were single, owned a pool for years, allowed relatives to use that pool pretty much without limits or asking THEN you got married, your new spouse was a little concerned about the public use of, what is now their, home & pool. What should be the actions of said relatives that would like to continue unlimited use of pool vs. new spouse that would like there to be less 'making yourself at home' in their home? I will reserve my thoughts until I hear some of yours.

 

clear as mud?

 

tia!

[IrishMum]

I would respect the wishes of new spouse, and sadly wave goodbye to my free ride :(

[Lawana]

Defer to the new spouse. Give them space. New rules.

[marbel]

The family should keep their mouths shut and give the newlyweds their privacy.

 

But I would be surprised that the issue didn't come up before the marriage. I'm putting myself in the place of the person with the pool, and thinking of my own family's reaction if they had free access to the pool and then the rules changed once I got married. Right or wrong, that might give them a bad impression of my new spouse. I think I would work on the family's expectations well before the wedding.

[Tita Gidge]

In my family, there'd be a compromise.

 

If I were the newly married one, I'd fight for my family TBH. A compromise would be my bottom line. I'm not cutting out my family for my spouse. But I wouldn't marry someone who expected me to. As big as my family is, nobody has yet. There have been glitches but nothing that couldn't be compromised (as opposed to a pissing contest between family and spouse). My compromise would probably be they can come over with notice, or to have a standing day that the pool is available (and a day my spouse can be prepared or be gone - her choice).

 

If I were the extended family, I'd stop coming over without warning and try to respect his new relationship. I'd probably call with some advance notice (at least a day's notice) and be sure to stay outside away from the house - no bathroom, fridge access, etc. unless invited in. That'd suck but I'd figure it would remove the in-laws headache about having me there. I'd assume the "public use" bit was an excuse to not come right out and say: I hate your family coming over unannounced whenever they want like you're a single guy. :lol:

 

My family tends to be very involved with one another, but we let fiance(e)s and significant others know well in advance before they commit to marriage LOL. In my culture you truly do marry the family. Not everyone is cut out for us, but at least they know what they're in for! My answer wont be the popular one, but we're not leave-and-cleave types.

[zoobie]

They should respect the new spouse's wishes and boundaries for his/her home. Pretend the person moved away and a new family moved in--would they expect to keep on coming over whenever?

[Rosie_0801]

I'd start minding my own business more often and would ring to see if it was ok to come over instead of just showing up.

[marbel]

They should respect the new spouse's wishes and boundaries for his/her home. Pretend the person moved away and a new family moved in--would they expect to keep on coming over whenever?

 

I agree with respecting boundaries, but in the OP's situation, it's a new person joining the family, not at all the same as strangers moving into the house! There is a reasonable expectation of relationship, or should be.

[bolt.]

If I was a relative, I'd abide by whatever the couple had agreed to between themselves... With cheerful gratitude for long years of unlimited use. I'd try to still come frequently, but within new expectations.

 

If I was the newlywed pool owner, and my spouse was sharing objections, I'd expect him/her to seek compromise with me -- not seek to have their own preference become the complete new picture. Spouses should seek to accommodate each other, neither over-ruling one another, nor deferring completely in most situations.

[Rosie_0801]

I'd probably start bringing food or other specialties when I came so new spouse saw me as an asset rather than a liability. ;)

[Unicorn.]

Newlyweds should work out some kind of compromise, and those rules should be forwarded to the family. Family should have to call first, to make sure it was okay, and try not to intrude on the home life of the newlyweds. I don't think family should be cut off though.

[bobbeym]

Sit down with the spouse and agree on pool rules, then share them with the relatives.

[Tiberia]

I would wait for an invitation before coming over. Or I'd call and ask what the new "pool rules" are. I would assume that things would change, and I would want to give the newlyweds some space. It's not my pool.

[Danestress]

When a family member marries, things change. Everyone needs to wrap his or her head around this. The family needs to be extra respectful and sensitive to the new spouse's efforts to make the home his or hers.

 

It's hard to move into an established household as a newly married person. I did it, and I am sure many things changed for my MIL. She was accustomed to treating DH's house as her own. When we married, that obviously had to change. She is awesome so I don't remember it being hard, but she probably made it easy by backing off graciously.

 

Anyway, I think the original homeowner needs to unapologetically lay down the law, and not tolerate anyone grumbling about how the rules were different before marriage.

 

 

[Danestress]

Double

[staceyobu]

I wonder if the spouse that originally allowed the free pool use could have been tired of others taking advantage and used the marriage as a way to reestablish some boundaries. I don't think the relatives have much of a case to be upset. It sounds like they were pretty lucky to have the previous deal.

 

Pools are a tremendous liability. I can totally understand someone disallowing others free use.

[Laurie4b]

Relatives: graciously accept new rules

New spouse: graciously allow relatives some access to the pool they've enjoyed for years, but switch to invitation only.

[Farrar]

Obviously they should graciously respect whatever the couple wants. That's a no brainer.

 

As to how the couple should handle such a thing... That depends on so many factors - how the family has treated the pool previously, what the two of them each want, etc. etc. I think that those factors may play into how it's seen by the rest of the family. It's hard not to feel resentful about the pool if you also feel that the new spouse is manipulative or pushy or doesn't want to be part of the family or something. However, in the end, as everyone is saying, you just have to accept it.

[Arcadia]

What should be the actions of said relatives that would like to continue unlimited use of pool vs. new spouse that would like there to be less 'making yourself at home' in their home?

 

Relatives - come only when invited.

New spouse - maybe have a pool day once a month or every two months.

 

Our first martial home was a new condo with lovely pools and a sauna room. Hubby's sibling and parents would pop by unannounced or at short notice, use the pools and sauna and then troop to our unit to have a "long" bath and wash out all the swim clothes. It was really annoying to be invaded early Saturday or Sunday morning when you had worked until 11pm on Friday night and they don't leave until after late lunch.

 

ETA:

The spouse before marriage would have the pool as part of a "bachelor pad". However the "bachelor pad" is now a marital home and the new spouse may want more couple time on weekends instead of having relatives "gate crashing". I like the noise of my and hubby's extended family but I also don't wish to sacrifice couple time without having relatives around. I am willing and happy to "throw a pool party" but don't ask to come at your own convenience.

[Murphy101]

That was my first thought.

New spouse is taking the heat for the related spouse who has probably felt uncomfortably taken advantage of for a long time but couldn't think of a way to stop it.

 

Bottom line:

New spouse isn't doing it without okay of relative to at least some degree. Family should back off and ask for invites/call ahead. They don't have any right to demand pool use. Maybe their relative just married someone who prefers more space. I wouldn't take it personal.

 

I wonder if the spouse that originally allowed the free pool use could have been tired of others taking advantage and used the marriage as a way to reestablish some boundaries. I don't think the relatives have much of a case to be upset. It sounds like they were pretty lucky to have the previous deal.

 

Pools are a tremendous liability. I can totally understand someone disallowing others free use.

 

[elfgivas]

i was the new wife of the bachelor whose family used his home as their own.... and his brother, wife and children lived next door.

i would come home to find people in my house reading my mail and eating my food.

i would discover i had houseguests when they arrived, having been invited by one or another of dh's relatives.

 

six months into our marriage i thought the only way it would survive would be if we moved to australia.

we didn't move, but dh's brother's family did. thank heavens.

 

i tried to set new boundaries (and i'm pretty good at it). dh tried. it was quite an adjustment for everyone.

so she has my sympathies. what would have helped me would have been if folks had actually listened to what we said, and respected it. barring that, what would have helped would have been someone asking, "how would you like this to work now?" followed by listening to what we said.

 

16 years later, i am feeling tense just answering this thread. healthy boundaries are a good thing.

 

ann

[Mrs Mungo]

Defer to the new spouse. Give them space. New rules.

 

I agree. I especially think it is a bad idea to just show up at the place of a newly married couple. *ahem*

 

[Mama Geek]

I have no understanding of people showing up unannounced on a regular basis and it drives me nuts. Part of the time we live too close to my IL's and they are really bad about this. No one ever considers that maybe my dd is asleep and that dh and I would like some alone time and it isn't like it is at a predictable time. They also are notorious for showing up right as we are eating. A phone call would really be nice.

[Melissa in Australia]

I agree with just about everyone else. the family should back off and let the newlyweds be.

[4everHis]

The family should keep their mouths shut and give the newlyweds their privacy.

 

But I would be surprised that the issue didn't come up before the marriage. I'm putting myself in the place of the person with the pool, and thinking of my own family's reaction if they had free access to the pool and then the rules changed once I got married. Right or wrong, that might give them a bad impression of my new spouse. I think I would work on the family's expectations well before the wedding.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, this (bold) is what has happened. The 'single' person is an uncle, the 'relatives' are nieces/nephews. I feel badly for new spouse only because I don't think she had a clue. . . .

[4everHis]

I wonder if the spouse that originally allowed the free pool use could have been tired of others taking advantage and used the marriage as a way to reestablish some boundaries. I don't think the relatives have much of a case to be upset. It sounds like they were pretty lucky to have the previous deal.

 

Pools are a tremendous liability. I can totally understand someone disallowing others free use.

 

 

 

before this other new spouse I was the 'newest' family member and for years, way before this uncle got married or was dating, I wondered if this wasn't happening. He should have spoken up but, either way, I'm on the side of he should side with his wife.

[4everHis]

i was the new wife of the bachelor whose family used his home as their own.... and his brother, wife and children lived next door.

i would come home to find people in my house reading my mail and eating my food.

i would discover i had houseguests when they arrived, having been invited by one or another of dh's relatives.

 

six months into our marriage i thought the only way it would survive would be if we moved to australia.

we didn't move, but dh's brother's family did. thank heavens.

 

i tried to set new boundaries (and i'm pretty good at it). dh tried. it was quite an adjustment for everyone.

so she has my sympathies. what would have helped me would have been if folks had actually listened to what we said, and respected it. barring that, what would have helped would have been someone asking, "how would you like this to work now?" followed by listening to what we said.

 

16 years later, i am feeling tense just answering this thread. healthy boundaries are a good thing.

 

ann

 

 

 

That would have sent me over the edge. For this scenario alone I'm glad they moved away from you. =)

[4everHis]

I appreciate the replies. As a newer member of the family I've often thought that communication, or lack thereof, was the main problem. Uncle should have spoken up years earlier and set some guidelines he was happier with. I always try to think how I would feel if I were the new spouse and my new dh wouldn't stand up to his relatives for my desires for new guidelines. I personally don't think they've been unreasonable in their requests and new rules. Most of it is common courtesy. Call and ask if the pool is available, etc. I was just beginning to wonder if I was the only one who really thought the new wife should be respected (whether I agree with her or not).

[elegantlion]

As an adult, I would have expected a change in the rules or at least the addition of her wishes. If the nieces and nephews are children, teens, or even young adults, I can see them being miffed. They've done it for years, why change now?

 

There is not simply one pool in the world. If they really enjoy a pool, put up their own above ground pool or join the Y. At least that would be my response, free rides don't last forever.

[LaCEmom]

It sounds like your uncle used his new wife as a scapegoat. That's really sad and disrespectful to her. IMO they should have made the decision together and he should have made the announcement regarding the changes, leaving his wife out of it. She should have been behind him on the decision and not in the middle of the issue, since it's his family that's the problem.

 

As for the rest of the family, they should grow up and stop feeling so entitled. They have no right to get mad because they stopped getting something for free.

[marbel]

That really puts a new spin on it, since it's kids who are disappointed. If bachelor uncle didn't think to clue the kids in that changes were coming when he got married, the parents should have. In the general buzz about the family wedding, people should have been talking about it. I can imagine myself saying "you know, kids, when Uncle Bobby gets married, you're not going to be going over there all the time." If I was the sibling of the about-to-be-wed uncle, I'd be asking him what he and his wife's expectations were. And I'd probably start looking for new swimming opportunities.

 

Or maybe not - hard to know never having been in the situation. But clearly when someone gets married, things change. I feel bad for the new wife, being blindsided by that. Still, it's hard to imagine she didn't have any clue. Was it a long-distance courtship or something? (Now I'm just being nosy.)

[poppy]

Are nieces and nephews kids or adults? Either way, they really need to learn some really basic courtesy. I'm disgusted by this story. Instead of being grateful for years of free pool use, they're making a fuss because they have to ASK to come over first? That is shockingly bad behavior, IMO. If I were the uncle, I'd be reconsidering having them as guests at all, for a while.

[Tita Gidge]

As for the rest of the family, they should grow up and stop feeling so entitled. They have no right to get mad because they stopped getting something for free.

 

If the established family culture is fluid, then to suddenly dam it up (even when justified) goes deeper than someone getting mad he's no longer getting something from free. It's a game-changer beyond the catalyst. I think that's a very different beast than you're accounting for.

 

Kids in particular - even adult "kids" who have known had that fun, easy-going uncle - aren't coming at it from the angle of entitlement. They're coming at it from having the (family cultural) rug pulled out from under them. It's not about the pool so much as it's about their uncle changing.

 

And that's not a bad thing, nor an unusual one - especially when a single relative gets married, be it aunt or uncle or parent or sibling or even child. But it's unfair to pin it on immaturity and entitlement. Relationships evolve but adjustments take time. All parties need to realize this and dance accordingly. That's why a compromise is ideal; it allows the parties time to adjust with respect to each other's relationships. At the very least, it allows for relationships to evolve with some sacrifice on each party's part ... but without the risk of alienating any single, one relationship. There are no winners there.

 

But again, we're not leave and cleave people. The checks and balances that present themselves when we pull our own marriage wagon into the circle of our extended family do us all well - individually, as couples, as extended family. And without regard or preference for "time in" so that no one is exempt - whether originating family or new-to family. It's not a perfect system, but it's the best compromise short of arranging marriages. And don't think I haven't tried that route with some of my siblings. <-- 98% kidding LOL

 

So in sum, family culture can't be overlooked here. No one is to blame for anything, there's no reason to point someone out as the wronged party. It's simply the evolving of a relationship and acceptance that all parties now need to adjust. The marriage is best served by allowing time for that adjustment, and the extended family relationships are best served by giving space for that adjustment. There will be kinks on all sides. It's life, and life is about living. And living is about growing. And growing is about learning. And learning is about making mistakes and forgiving the mistakes of others, as each of us figures out this living gig. Let's just call it the psycho-socio- circle of life. Cue Elton John ...

[Mom in High Heels]

When people get married, things change. Maybe the new spouse is uncomfortable having people in and out of what is now also HER house without notice. Maybe they're rude and messy. James Bond wouldn't have a problem if his nieces and nephews came over and made a mess, but you'd better believe *I* would. Or maybe she likes to walk around naked and can't do that with others dropping by unannounced. To be honest, what they want should be irrelevant, IMO. Family culture or not, she lives there now and her wishes should be respected.

[bettyandbob]

I assume these are adult aged nieces and nephews. If they were children a parent would be bringing them and should explain.

 

They are just freeloaders who never got out of the teenager/college student habit of showing up when you thought food was free. My guess they don't just walk around back and use the pool. I bet they make use of the refrigerator, microwave, case of beer, grill and at the very least they use the toilet and shower.

 

They are adults. They need to find another pool.

[marbel]

Wow, the relatives are freeloaders and intruders? I got the impression they had been made to feel welcome by their uncle. (Whether he really welcomed them or not is another story. If he didn't, he should have stopped the practice before he got married and his wife got involved.)

 

When I got married, I was nearly 40 years old and had very close relationships with my 6 nieces and nephews. They ranged from teen to about 8 years old. (I don't know how old the relatives in the OP's situation are.) There was no pool involved, but there were close relationships and it was hard for the those kids when the relationship changed. Even the older kids were unsure how they would fit into the picture after I was married. It was up to me to help them figure it out, not up to them. Of course everything changed, but not without some transition time and some "work" on my fiance/husband's part, and mine, to keep from hurting feelings.

 

Just feeling like there's a bit too much harsh criticism aimed at these family members, without such information coming from the OP. Or did I miss it?

[poppy]

It's not like it's some dramatic shift. The uncle is requesting that instead of coming over whenever they feel like it, they should call and ask first. The response to this, according to OP, is apparently bad feelings about the new wife and resentment. That is why my reaction was "these people have GOT to be kidding".

 

I could see calling for compromise if he was forbidding use of the pool, I suppose. What is the compromise between "make yourself at home anytime without checking first" and "give a call before you pop over, you may have to postpone your swimming until a time that works for us?"

[Tita Gidge]

Just feeling like there's a bit too much harsh criticism aimed at these family members, without such information coming from the OP. Or did I miss it?

 

 

No, I must've missed it also :coolgleamA:

 

The OP reads like the homeowner was fine with the pre-nuptial arrangment and the new wife was not. In that scenario, as set up, a compromise is called for - at least in my opinion and yours, Marbel! I was glad to read the update downthread that the uncle had arrived at a reasonable compromise.

 

What is the compromise between "make yourself at home anytime without checking first" and "give a call before you pop over, you may have to postpone your swimming until a time that works for us?"

 

I'm not sure there is one, but I don't think anyone suggested there be. It's not the same scenario as outlined in the OP.

 

Posts calling for a compromise between wife and family suggested relatives "give a call before you pop over ..." as one example of a possible compromise. It wasn't disclosed until well into the thread that the uncle had already made this compromise/request and that this compromise/request is what the relatives were actually reacting to. You joined the thread post-updates, which may explain the disconnect between your initial response and the initial responses of others. In fairness, the updates reveal a very different situation than the one presented in the OP.

 

We'll have to disagree on it being a dramatic shift, poppy. We're coming at it from two different angles :) but hey, that's what makes the world goes 'round. I think the pool is a surface issue and the evolving relationship is the crux of the situation - maybe consciously, maybe not, on the part of the nephews and neices. Marriage is a big shift. I see this as being more about a newly married uncle than about pool use. It's a shame because instead of focusing on how to nurture changing relationships within an extended family, focus is now on easing the tension between sides drawn - old family and new family. I hope it's short-lived!

[4everHis]

That really puts a new spin on it, since it's kids who are disappointed. If bachelor uncle didn't think to clue the kids in that changes were coming when he got married, the parents should have. In the general buzz about the family wedding, people should have been talking about it. I can imagine myself saying "you know, kids, when Uncle Bobby gets married, you're not going to be going over there all the time." If I was the sibling of the about-to-be-wed uncle, I'd be asking him what he and his wife's expectations were. And I'd probably start looking for new swimming opportunities.

 

Or maybe not - hard to know never having been in the situation. But clearly when someone gets married, things change. I feel bad for the new wife, being blindsided by that. Still, it's hard to imagine she didn't have any clue. Was it a long-distance courtship or something? (Now I'm just being nosy.)

 

 

 

 

the uummm kids? they are in their 40's. She had a clue if she was paying attention, not sure that happened.

[4everHis]

If the established family culture is fluid, then to suddenly dam it up (even when justified) goes deeper than someone getting mad he's no longer getting something from free. It's a game-changer beyond the catalyst. I think that's a very different beast than you're accounting for.

 

Kids in particular - even adult "kids" who have known had that fun, easy-going uncle - aren't coming at it from the angle of entitlement. They're coming at it from having the (family cultural) rug pulled out from under them. It's not about the pool so much as it's about their uncle changing.

 

And that's not a bad thing, nor an unusual one - especially when a single relative gets married, be it aunt or uncle or parent or sibling or even child. But it's unfair to pin it on immaturity and entitlement. Relationships evolve but adjustments take time. All parties need to realize this and dance accordingly. That's why a compromise is ideal; it allows the parties time to adjust with respect to each other's relationships. At the very least, it allows for relationships to evolve with some sacrifice on each party's part ... but without the risk of alienating any single, one relationship. There are no winners there.

 

But again, we're not leave and cleave people. The checks and balances that present themselves when we pull our own marriage wagon into the circle of our extended family do us all well - individually, as couples, as extended family. And without regard or preference for "time in" so that no one is exempt - whether originating family or new-to family. It's not a perfect system, but it's the best compromise short of arranging marriages. And don't think I haven't tried that route with some of my siblings. <-- 98% kidding LOL

 

So in sum, family culture can't be overlooked here. No one is to blame for anything, there's no reason to point someone out as the wronged party. It's simply the evolving of a relationship and acceptance that all parties now need to adjust. The marriage is best served by allowing time for that adjustment, and the extended family relationships are best served by giving space for that adjustment. There will be kinks on all sides. It's life, and life is about living. And living is about growing. And growing is about learning. And learning is about making mistakes and forgiving the mistakes of others, as each of us figures out this living gig. Let's just call it the psycho-socio- circle of life. Cue Elton John ...

 

 

Very wise words and counsel.

[marbel]

the uummm kids? they are in their 40's. She had a clue if she was paying attention, not sure that happened.

 

Well, then, sorry for getting that wrong. I didn't see where they were identified as being middle-aged adults. I thought I'd gone back and caught all your posts on the topic but I guess I missed that one.

 

Obviously having been through a somewhat similar situation I had another idea in mind.

[4everHis]

I assume these are adult aged nieces and nephews. If they were children a parent would be bringing them and should explain.

 

They are just freeloaders who never got out of the teenager/college student habit of showing up when you thought food was free. My guess they don't just walk around back and use the pool. I bet they make use of the refrigerator, microwave, case of beer, grill and at the very least they use the toilet and shower.

 

They are adults. They need to find another pool.

 

To their credit the bolded has never been an issue. No one goes inside the house except to a bathroom that is just right there. Toilet, no shower. No one used the house, food or grill or even went past the bathroom. . . . ever. There were years of the pool being used for youth group and family functions (asking first) where I think the uncle might not have wanted to say yes but didn't know how to say no.(his bad)

[4everHis]

Wow, the relatives are freeloaders and intruders? I got the impression they had been made to feel welcome by their uncle. (Whether he really welcomed them or not is another story. If he didn't, he should have stopped the practice before he got married and his wife got involved.)

 

When I got married, I was nearly 40 years old and had very close relationships with my 6 nieces and nephews. They ranged from teen to about 8 years old. (I don't know how old the relatives in the OP's situation are.) There was no pool involved, but there were close relationships and it was hard for the those kids when the relationship changed. Even the older kids were unsure how they would fit into the picture after I was married. It was up to me to help them figure it out, not up to them. Of course everything changed, but not without some transition time and some "work" on my fiance/husband's part, and mine, to keep from hurting feelings.

 

Just feeling like there's a bit too much harsh criticism aimed at these family members, without such information coming from the OP. Or did I miss it?

 

Thanks. It's true. The family members are well-mannered, helpful folks that always cleaned up after using the pool, etc. I think you hit the nail on the proverbial head when you said that the family had always been made to feel welcome. The abrupt, seemingly out of character, changes have unfortunately been blamed on new spouse when in fact it's just time for adult 'kids' to embrace the change and realize that possibly they had more freedom with the pool than was necessarily wanted by the uncle to begin with. BALANCE. Marriage definitely changed things, but then, I think that's normal.

[bettyandbob]

 

To their credit the bolded has never been an issue. No one goes inside the house except to a bathroom that is just right there. Toilet, no shower. No one used the house, food or grill or even went past the bathroom. . . . ever. There were years of the pool being used for youth group and family functions (asking first) where I think the uncle might not have wanted to say yes but didn't know how to say no.(his bad)

 

 

But still. What 40 year old hangs out in someone's back yard without being invited first. If that was happening at my home I'd feel like we could never have peace and quiet. I bet the uncle never knew how to say NO before. Everyone needs times when they knew no one is going to randomly show up. Suppose you wanted to read the Sunday paper alone by your own pool and one or two other people just walk in. 1. it's no longer your quiet pool to enjoy and 2. you feel like you have to talk to these people when what you really wanted to was be alone for a few hours by your own pool.

 

At 40 plus a person should know this. Does anyone show up at their house anytime of day? I could see this happening with 20 year olds--mom and dad previously took them to Uncle's to play in the pool regularly and Uncle says to the young adult "I'd still love to see you, please come swim" But as you grow and mature out of your 20s you start to realize you like privacy and maybe Uncle does too, and so you back off and start to call without being prompted. I don't see how you can get to 40 and think pool use is a free for all.

[4everHis]

Well I don't know that the relatives would know to act differently if they are not told about the new spouse's concerns. I think the relatives need to be told. Maybe some compromise could be worked out. Like they call before coming. Or they can only come on the weekends. Or something like that. Something the new spouse is ok with because it is now also the spouse's pool/home.

 

 

The relatives know the new guidelines, which all are pretty much just common courtesy stuff. There was a request to use the pool on a certain day, request denied with specific, sane reasons. Obviously, some are unhappy about this. My original post was mainly about the idea of it being 'OK' and normal for there to be change in how this pool was viewed considering there is a new spouse involved. I appreciate seeing the different and somewhat same views.

 

ORIGINAL POST

 

If you were single, owned a pool for years, allowed relatives to use that pool pretty much without limits or asking THEN you got married, your new spouse was a little concerned about the public use of, what is now their, home & pool. What should be the actions of said relatives that would like to continue unlimited use of pool vs. new spouse that would like there to be less 'making yourself at home' in their home?

[4everHis]

 

 

But still. What 40 year old hangs out in someone's back yard without being invited first. If that was happening at my home I'd feel like we could never have peace and quiet. I bet the uncle never knew how to say NO before. Everyone needs times when they knew no one is going to randomly show up. Suppose you wanted to read the Sunday paper alone by your own pool and one or two other people just walk in. 1. it's no longer your quiet pool to enjoy and 2. you feel like you have to talk to these people when what you really wanted to was be alone for a few hours by your own pool.

 

At 40 plus a person should know this. Does anyone show up at their house anytime of day? I could see this happening with 20 year olds--mom and dad previously took them to Uncle's to play in the pool regularly and Uncle says to the young adult "I'd still love to see you, please come swim" But as you grow and mature out of your 20s you start to realize you like privacy and maybe Uncle does too, and so you back off and start to call without being prompted. I don't see how you can get to 40 and think pool use is a free for all.

 

You probably hit on part of the problem in 2 ways. I believe the uncle HAD wanted to say no at different times over the years and didn't know how (he was asked and always said yes) and the main, offended party DOES have a more open door policy at their own home. So much so that when I came to the family I had to discuss with dh, before marriage, that I WASN'T the kind that wanted people to just walk in my door whenever. ``

 

All that being said. . . I just wondered if i were alone in thinking that uncles spouse trumps relatives in pretty much all things. i wasn't sure if that was just something I came away from my own family with or if it were the general consensus and it wasn't playing out that way here.

[Mom in High Heels]

 

 

The relatives know the new guidelines, which all are pretty much just common courtesy stuff. There was a request to use the pool on a certain day, request denied with specific, sane reasons. Obviously, some are unhappy about this. My original post was mainly about the idea of it being 'OK' and normal for there to be change in how this pool was viewed considering there is a new spouse involved. I appreciate seeing the different and somewhat same views.

 

 

So they asked to use the pool, were given a good reason why they couldn't (although as the owners of the pool, I don't think they should have to give a reason), and got upset? That's ridiculous. These are grown people using someone else's property. They need to get over it.

[4everHis]

So they asked to use the pool, were given a good reason why they couldn't (although as the owners of the pool, I don't think they should have to give a reason), and got upset? That's ridiculous. These are grown people using someone else's property. They need to get over it.

 

I agree.

[Lilaclady]

Wow, at first I thought these were teenagers you were talking bout but middle aged people should not have to be told. They should be the ones asking the uncle to let them know when it is convenient to use the pool. Come on.

[4everHis]

Wow, at first I thought these were teenagers you were talking bout but middle aged people should not have to be told. They should be the ones asking the uncle to let them know when it is convenient to use the pool. Come on.

 

They do ask, it's just been a 'surprise' that sometimes the answer is no now. :glare: