Dance issues...ugh UPDATE 5/12

[BakersDozen]

This is the first time I've faced a situation like this so I need input, please. My older girls are performing at the upcoming Highland Games (Irish step dancing). Way back in February the idea was put out among the group to have new outfits ordered (right now they wear button down shirts, plaid skirts, poodle socks and dance shoes - very basic). A few ideas were presented yet met with resistance from one mom or another: too expensive, too short, etc. One mom's daughter is built a bit more stocky so none of the outfits met with her approval as they were a bit "curvy", if that makes sense. I bowed out of the discussion quickly as I sensed a storm brewing, and I was right.

 

These uniforms were to be ordered for their performances in March for St. Patrick's Day. Needless to say, March came and went and no new uniforms. In April it was decided by one of the more vocal moms that new outfits would be made. She secured a woman who would help and said she would take care of everything. By the middle of April, fabric had not even been ordered.

 

The Games are this Saturday and the outfits are still not finished. This woman and her daughters are working around the clock to sew the skirts and vests (which look like something you would see on a 3rd grader, btw). When we offered to take our skirts and sew them she told us 'no' as she wants to oversee everything. My 17yod was not even allowed to take her vest last night and lace it at home. It's a bit ridiculous.

 

So here's the kicker. The outfits might not be done for Saturday. Plus we are all supposed to chip in $ to pay the woman who is making the shirts. The $ for these outfits came from a performance the girls did last year and yet the girls didn't get the $ to spend on new dance shoes (which would have been a huge blessing for us!), rather the one mom decided how the $ was to be spent. There was over $500 for 6 girls and we are still being asked to pay $.

 

I could have purchased white shirts for next to nothing. I could have ordered a lovely dance dress for about $70. We could have had new shoes. Yet now the $ is gone on outfits that are ugly as can be, might not be available for Saturday, and we are still paying.

 

I am livid, yet because I bowed out of the brewing cat fight I guess I have no say, right? My girls are disgusted by the entire thing yet I don't know what to tell them or how to handle this.

 

Oh, and an email came through this morning that money is being collected as a gift for the mom who took on this enormous sewing project. I'd much rather have the money my girls earned back, thank you very much.

-----

 

Ready for this update??? My girls spent over 7 hours working on skirts two nights in a row. They got home at midnight on Friday, the night before the performance. When they left there was little left to do on only two skirts. The next morning they got a phone call from the mom's daughter who was so upset her voice was shaking. The mom decided the skirts weren't just right and so she took every.single.skirt apart. The girls danced in their old skirts and the shirts the other woman made - shirts that looked like kindergarten smocks. I refuse to pay a single penny for those ugly shirts and have yet to speak to the mom about the skirts. The vests are so ugly and don't even match the green of the skirts.

 

I am so stinking angry. My oldest dd stood and looked at me when she hung up the phone, then she burst into tears. I had to hold her for goodness knows how long while she sobbed in frustration.

 

Who does that?? Who in the heck takes such things upon herself and disappoints kids like this???????

[kroe1]

Someone has to be the leader in a big group or nothing will ever get done. It sounds like no one stepped up to the task except this one mom. You may disagree with her choices, but her actions allowed you to keep a calm life outside of a "cat fight". Try to look at it from that perspective and maybe the $$$ won't hurt so much. Hugs.

 

 

[Parrothead]

Why didn't the studio director put her foot down? Dd has never been involved with a studio where're the parents get a say in costumes. The costumes are decided by the director and the parent pays. If the parent does not like the costume, the child does not have to dance in the recital.

[dancer67]

Agreeing with the poster about the studio owner. Sorry, but the dance studio owner has the final say in costumes. Otherwise, no decisions would ever be made. Why was this so called vocal mother even allowed to do such a thing? That would never fly at my studio.

[J-rap]

What a fiasco! I really don't know what you can do about it this late in the game, however. And I agree about the white blouse...you could certainly have picked up an inexpensive white blouse so easily! Strange that she wouldn't even let anyone help her. Maybe by Friday afternoon she'll change her mind about that!

 

I guess I'd try not to let it completely ruin your (or your girls') attitude about the Saturday event. What's done is done.

 

Sounds like what will be more important is putting together a plan for the future so it doesn't happen again. Can you talk to the instructor about it? At our dance studio (which was not competitive and was pretty casual), the instructor either chose the outfit herself, or she picked three or so and had the parents vote when the girls were younger or the girls vote once they were high school age.

 

Maybe you can sell everything on eBay once you're done with them! Frustrating.

[BakersDozen]

It's not a studio, just an elderly Irish nun who offers free dance lessons. One mom has stepped up and sort of taken over in many ways, including her decision to make all of the outfits rather than order them. What angers me is that my dds earned this money from dancing privately with a group of other girls last year and the money was there, ready to be used as the group saw fit (which for most of us meant on new shoes as those are expensive!) yet now all the money plus some is gone for costumes that look childish and cheap. I saw one of the woman's daughters today and she looks awful. She said that she, her older sister and her mom have hardly slept or done anything but sew...and sew...and sew. No one can help because the mom is so controlling and ridiculous about details that no one would ever notice. I am so done with this whole stupid performance thing.

[QueenCat]

I would not contribute any more money to the fiasco. Just say "Sorry, can't do that."

[jhschool]

Don't contribute any more money...tell them you need it for new shoes.

(Not being snarky; I would be annoyed to have to give any more money for the

nonsense.)

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like you just have to suck it up with the silly costumes.

In future, maybe distribute ANY money the girls make immediately. Don't leave it

for group needs.

[BakersDozen]

Update in first post. >:(

[BakersDozen]

Update in first post. >:(

[unsinkable]

Wow. The update makes me think someone has a serious issue going on.

[Whereneverever]

Wow, that's awful.

[Moxie]

It really sounds like she has mental health issues.

[Pegasus]

It really sounds like she has mental health issues.

 

 

I must say, this was my first thought when I read the update about her taking all the skirts apart again.

[SarahW]

Oh my, what a nightmare. That lady sounds like she has major control issues.

 

If she really wanted to sew something I don't understand why she didn't do a simple flare-dress pattern. if you don't do interfacing they're darn simple to make. Or was that one of the designs nixed as too curvy? Those types of dresses can be made with a waist seam which solves part of that problem.

 

Sorry, I know that doesn't help at all now.

 

I'd say not to pay any more money for them. It works out to, what, $85 each as it is? I know buying fabric and notions can be pricey, but not that pricey. Tell the lady that if it was actually more expensive she should have budgeted better. And if she complains about man-hours point out that you offered to do the work, and that you did do the work. If she wants to make it "perfect" that's on her.

 

For the future, I'd say start putting down a basic "school dress" as a rule. If one person doesn't like it, too bad. Not everyone has to like a school dress 100% (my school dress had this iffy crochet on it that was a pita to care for, but it was pretty enough). Something like this, though you could change the color and applique:

 

 

If someone wants something else they can make their own dress for solos. *shrug*

 

And yes, you need shoes, how can you dance at all without shoes?

 

ack, crazy dance moms, it's so frustrating, I know.

[Harriet Vane]

This sounds like an issue that needs to go up the chain of command. Who runs the dance studio? Write an account of how much money was spent and have pictures as well (pictures of the ugly costumes and pictures of what you expected). Also include information on what could have been ordered at what price. Protest. This is ridiculous.

[BakersDozen]

The woman is...immature. Yes, immature. Meaning when I am with her I feel like I'm back in elementary school. She has a huge heart for serving and helping others yet no concept of overcommiting and time frames. Apparently quite a few people expressed concern that these outfits would not get done on time, including her own dds (whom she orders around and treats like idiots).

 

I was supposed to give $ for a gift for her which I didn't do. I was supposed to pay $10 EACH for the ridiculously simple white shirts, which I also didn't do. I have not seen or spoken to this woman for fear I will completely lose my temper.

 

As this is not a studio there is nothing that can be done. The money - every last dime - is gone. This woman is not financially able to repay the wasted money so that is not an option. This stinks.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[jhschool]

I am very sorry this happened to you.

 

It does stink...

 

How did the dancing go? I was worried your

girls stayed up late and it might have affected the dance.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter. I would get the other mothers together and confront her and tell her that she will have no more control over things. You will not allow her to waste your daugher's hard work and everyone's effort with her mismanagement. I would tell the teacher that this woman cannot be put in charge of anything again.

 

ETA: Although you say she has a servant's heart, it sounds more like someone who has control issues.

[Moxie]

Control issues and some crazy need for attention. Why would you take all the skirts apart the night before the performance unless you really wanted some attention? No sane person would do that.

[Hockey Mom]

Control issues and some crazy need for attention. Why would you take all the skirts apart the night before the performance unless you really wanted some attention? No sane person would do that.

:iagree:

 

:grouphug: to you Mama...it stinks when your kids are at the mercy of someone like this.

:grouphug: to your DDs.

 

I hope their dance went well at least?

[BakersDozen]

Their dance was OK. Their brother and his friends showed up and stood right in the front of the audience which so unnerved my oldest dd that she messed up badly.

 

I have initiated contact with the moms involved and hope to get some answers for both me and my girls. Should be interesting to see what responses come back, especially when I said I would gladly pay $1/shirt as that is what they are worth.

[Tammyla]

What a nightmare...

 

For future, I would 100% hissy-fit insist costumes be ordered and have two choices ready to choose from. Vote, get the money and order;no exceptions. Those needing more coverage, cleavage, bling or support can contract for customization.

 

Too many choices, or a pushy servants heart without the ability to follow through will always end in disaster. I'm sorry this ended so badly for the girls.

[elfgivas]

many nuns have remarkable peope skills. what does she think about it all? i would encourage you to let the money issue and the disappointing the girls issue go, and focus lots and lots of energy on putting in place things that will not permit this to happen again. something along the lines of how kind it is for this mom to offer, but how it clearly stresses her out too much, and how sewing so late at night right before the performance wasn't good for the girls. ie. thanks, but no thanks, its not good for anyone.

 

that said, this does not seem to be a "servant heart" or "immaturity" issue; this seems to be about control/martyrdom ..it may run deeper, but diagnosing over the internet, third hand, seems somewhat dicey ;).

 

performing can be fun; i'm sorry this wasn't!

ann

[kroe1]

My heart is breaking for your girls.

[celticmom]

:grouphug:

[QueenCat]

As this is not a studio there is nothing that can be done. The money - every last dime - is gone. This woman is not financially able to repay the wasted money so that is not an option. This stinks.

 

 

First, she does not show signs of having a servant's heart... Second, who gave her the actual money? Whoever did that needs to require the agreed upon product or the return of the money. Even if said person is the nun. The woman owes the money or the product. Not being financially able does not negate one's responsibility. Put her on a payment plan to repay the money the girls earned.

[Word Nerd]

The mom decided the skirts weren't just right and so she took every.single.skirt apart.

 

I agree. Who does that? This is bizarre enough to rank up there with the crazy stroller-walking woman and the napkin-stealing lady.

[BakersDozen]

One very good thing has come from this. A while back I posted about my 17yod comparing me/our family to this woman and her family. My dd said how generous and unselfish this woman is, always offering her time and services. The problem came when I tried to point out to my dd that there are also boundaries that keep people/families healthy - boundaries I did not feel this woman has. I agree that this woman has a martyr complex yet my dd did not see that.

 

Because of this incident my dd is now realizing the lack of balance in this woman's life. She is seeing the dreadful effect the woman's actions had upon her own dds.

 

The woman dropped off our sewing machine this afternoon however I am sick so did not see her. She did tell my dd that she would have the skirts finished by the end of the summer in time for dance to begin again. grrrrrrr

[hillfarm]

I would suggest you have an affordable substitute in mind for the end of summer and after the middle of summer, get one of each outfit and have the dancers vote. Definitely speak with the nun about this and explain your concerns to her. See if she has any ideas.

 

The money is gone and probably won't be refunded. I doubt there is any way to force repayment that wouldn't destroy the group. Is it worth losing the cohesiveness of the group (or its very existance) to get that money back? When you walked out of the initial planning meeting without participating in the discussion, many people probably thought you didn't care what decision would be reached. While it can be painful to sit in on these types of meetings, it can be equally painful to have to suffer through the consequences of choices made at them. This type of thing is one in which the beauty of anonymous voting can be a real blessing. It's hard to argue with majority rule. And if push comes to shove and the martyr lady confronts you, you can just calmly say, "I wasn't at the meeting and I should have been. I didn't care much for the styles that were selected and was quite upset at the time when they weren't ready when needed. I was also frustrated to see that so much money was being spent on something that could have been obtained for much less, when we have so many other pressing financial needs associated with performing. In hindsight, I can say that this project seemed doomed from the start. I'm sorry you had to spend so much time on it. I know my girls and I certainly regret the time we spent on it. But no use crying over spilt milk. Let's do what it takes to move on, learn more about dancing, and have fun."

 

I think the main thing to do here is to look forward instead of backward. What can be done to improve the costumes prior to this fall? What can you do to come up with the money for shoes? What can be done to prevent such a situation from happening again in the future? How can you interact productively with this misguided seamstress woman in the future? (Or at least in a civil manner?)

[J-rap]

I would suggest you have an affordable substitute in mind for the end of summer and after the middle of summer, get one of each outfit and have the dancers vote.

 

"...no use crying over spilt milk. Let's do what it takes to move on, learn more about dancing, and have fun."

 

I think the main thing to do here is to look forward instead of backward. What can be done to improve the costumes prior to this fall? What can you do to come up with the money for shoes? What can be done to prevent such a situation from happening again in the future? How can you interact productively with this misguided seamstress woman in the future? (Or at least in a civil manner?)

 

I think these are great ideas. Moving forward with a positive attitude and plan will be a good strategy for all involved. Sorry you had to go through all of that! :grouphug: